naughty husband joke?
825203
A Welsh farmer walked into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and announced "This is the pig I have to sleep with when you refuse me sex".  His wife contemptuously retorts "I think you'll find that's a sheep"  The farmer replies "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep".
849868
heheheheeh........hoooooooooohoooooooooo\nmindblowing joke..................awesum................nicejoke
1034311
You realy want a dirty joke? okay heres one.
675239
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly. He walks into the house and\nsays to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" \n\nBessie looks him over, "Nope."\n\nFrustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots. Again, he asks,a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" \n\nBessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today,it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."\n\nFurious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"\n\nTo which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray."
872078
I'm  sorry he said that. if you haven't had any "romantic" dealings with this man, then he has no right to call you that. tell him that you were rather offended by him saying that, even if it was a joke. jokes are meant to be funny, and obviously, he was the only one who thought it was funny. if he does it again, then tell his wife.
1127693
Ok, I think I understand your question.\n\nThat is not cool for you husband to joke around like that. ~ Not during your most intimate and private moments together.  It is possible, if that is the kind of sense of humor there is in your relationship, that he was innocently joking.  But, I sense that you don't feel that way and are confused and rather offended that he makes any such comments.  The humor in a joke often stems from the truth of it...  You really need to sit down and talk with your husband and lay out some quidelines and expectations for your marriage.  What I would do, is tell your manboy husband that this kind of "joking" is hurtful or bothersome to you and you would rather he did not talk like that.  You may want to look into some counseling in order to get an outside perspective and some support.  Be sure and give your husband all of the things you would want yourself in the relationship, such as Trust, Compassion, Respect, Honesty and of Course good ol' fashioned L O V E.
284226
Get back with you in a minute...can't stop laughing.\n\n\nI'm back. I haven't laughed so hard in a long time. Thanks. Woke the husband up. And , no.
1183872
Read this joke for a change.....\n\nA couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, 'Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix.' The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. \n\nThe husband cringed and said, 'I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.' \n\nThey walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, 'Come on in.' They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' \n'Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.' the husband replied.\n\n'No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.' \n\n'OK, great!' the husband said. ' I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem - it's the least I could do. \n\nAnd you, what do you want?' the genie said, looking at the wife. 'I want a house in every country of the world,' she said. 'Consider it done.' the genie replied. 'And what's your wish, genie?', the husband said. \n\n'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't made love to a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.' The husband looks at the wife and said, 'Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care.' The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, 'How old is your husband, anyway?'\n'35.' she replied. 'And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing.'
466294
A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife \nin bed with another man. \n"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world." \n"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what \nif you came home one night and caught another man in bed with \nyour wife?" \nThe fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane \nand kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."
1120493
a white horse fell in some mud... But seroiusly...Theres this old immigrant couple who came here 25 years ago They got married just after arriving. As things go when you've been married for 25 years they began to take eachother for-granted. The wife not wishing to end 25 years of marriage decides they should see a marriage councilor. The Husband loving his Wife agrees to go. At the first meeting the councilor says that since it was the wife's idea to seek help that she should start by listing three things that bother her. \n\nThe Wife starts off " de first-a ting is-a he work-a all-a da time. He work-a day time, night time. He got-a no time for-a me an-a da kids cause-a he work-a all-a da time. Da second ting is-a if he's-a no work-a he's-a pickin he's-a nose. Can no take-a him anyplace, at da dinner table he's-a two knuckle deep! He make-a me sick He pick-a he's-a nose all-a da time! An da tird ting is-a" She gets real quiet" when-a we-a have-a sex... He got-a be on-a top. 25 years he's-a always on-a top. No variety it-a gets-a so boring! He make-a me crazy cause he got-a be on-a top!!" \n\nThe marriage coincilor turns to the Husband and says "These are all very valid points how would you like to address them?"\n\nThe Husband begins" When-a I come-a to dis-a country dey tell-a me tree tings. Firs-a ting dey tell-a me is 'If-a you wanna good-a life you work-a hard.' I godda big-a house an nice-a car an-a good-a family. I godda good-a life an I work-a berry hard-a for-a my good-a life. De second ting dey tell-a me is 'Stay out-a trouble. Keep-a your nose-a clean. Stay out-a trouble.' An de tird ting dey tell-a me is-a 'Don-a screw up!!'"
111594
The host of a fancy-dress party answered the door to find a middle aged man standing there completely naked except for a pair of briefs.\n"What are you supposed to be?", the host asked.\n"Premature ejeculation." the man replied confidently.\nThe host frowned, "I don't get it - all you're wearing is a pair of Y-fronts." \n"Exactly!" the man declaired, "I've come in my underpants!"
140839
Hey - You're cheating...  \n\n1 question per every 2 points  ;) \n\nI'll answer the one of my chosing   \n\nGet your husband some nice sexy outfit for YOU to wear for him... I'm sure he will love that.
353529
The joke is on us...  now\n\nand it isn't very funny...
1042208
this is a funny joke. your funny.\n\n**please god let this be a joke and not a real thought..amen.**
509133
A Dog Named Sex\n\nEverybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me. When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I would like to have one too!" Then I said, "But she is a dog!" He said he didn't care what she looked like. I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old." He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy." When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding was over. I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex." He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church. I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding. The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church from then on.\n\n \n\nWhen my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me. When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex. He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex. I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Me too!"\n\n \n\nOne day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around. I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest. He said that I should have sold my own tickets. "You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV." He called me a show off.\n\n \n\nWhen my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married." The Judge said, "Me too!"\n\n \n\nLast night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning. I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.\n\n \n\nWell now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw. Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?" I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me for ever. I couldn't live any longer so lonely." and the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so get yourself a dog."
910889
OMG this joke is one of my favorites!!! Got any more?
327380
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt.\nSeconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What\nsetting do I use on the washing machine?"\n\n"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"\n\nHe yelled back, "University of Oklahoma."\n\n\nAnd they say blondes are dumb...\n\n----------------------------------------------------------------------------\n--------------------------------------------------------------------\nA couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the \nhappiest\nwoman in the world." The woman replies, "I'll miss you.."\n----------------------------------------------------------------------------\n--------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he  stepped out \nof\nthe shower, "honey, what do you t hink the neighbors would think if I \nmowed\nthe lawn like this?"\n\n"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.\n----------------------------------------------------------------------------\n--------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nHe said - Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said - That's a \ngood\nidea... you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and \nfart.\n----------------------------------------------------------------------------\n--------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nQ: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?A: A \nrumor<\n/FONT>\n----------------------------------------------------------------------------\n--------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nA man and his wife, now in their 60's, were celebrating their 40th \nwedding\nanniversary. On their special day a good fairy came to them and said \nthat\nbecause they had been so good that each one of them could have one \nwish. The\nwife wished for a trip around the world with her husband.\n\n\nWhoosh! Immediately she had airline/cruise tickets in her hands.\n\nThe man wished for a female companion 30 years younger...\nWhoosh...immediately he turned ninety!!! Gotta love that fairy!\n----------------------------------------------------------------------------\n--------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nA PRAYER....\n\n\nDear Lord,\n\nI pray for Wisdom to understand my man;\n\nLove to forgive him;\n\nAnd Patience for his moods.\n\nBecause, Lord, if I pray for Strength,\n\nI'll beat him to death.\n\nAMEN\n\n----------------------------------------------------------------------------\n--------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nQ: Why do little boys whine?\n\nA: They are practicing to be men.\n----------------------------------------------------------------------------\n--------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nQ: What do you call a handcuffed man?\n\nA: Trustworthy.\n----------------------------------------------------------------------------\n--------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nQ: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and\ncalling your name?\n\nA: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.\n----------------------------------------------------------------------------\n--------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nQ: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?\nA: To stop the snoring before it starts.\n----------------------------------------------------------------------------\n--------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nQ: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?\n\nA: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.\n----------------------------------------------------------------------------\n------