Do you think once a spouse becomes abusive they can change?
817209
No, once that door is open, it never closes.
500399
I am so sorry to hear so. No one deserves to be abused no matter what. That is totally unacceptable!!! \nIt depends alot on the mans upbringing, they were raised to see their mothers abused and he was taught it was OK. And there are other types of men who think if a women is being loyal and submissive to their husbands that they are weak and have no self-worth. Let me tell you this, if you let a man abuse you once, he will keep doing it again and again, it's human nature.\nYou deserve to be with someone who will appreciate what and who you are. Someone to give you the respect you deserve and the love you dream of. Don't you EVER let anyone abuse you in anyway. You need to take are of yourself and love yourself.\nI wish you the best and I really do wish you find someone who deserves you and take care....
333184
He is a classic abuser. He won't change. The longer you stay with this jerk the more you will get hurt physically and emotionally. You could end up imprisoned and/or dead. So dump him. If you're having trouble doing that see a therapist to help you. Remember the sooner you get rid of him the sooner you will be happy.
1171786
no sure how long you two have been dating, but beware.  Guys who usually rush into marriage thinking should send up warning flags.  I was in a relationship that moved like that one, and he was very emotionally abusive, and would most likely have been physically abusive if we had gotten married.
861288
well a hard question, but if you have tried everything and talked to your husband about how you feel and he wont change then its time to end it.\nbe careful the fact that he digrades you and belittles you publicly is often the early signs of an abusive man. he is on a power trip and whats you to feel bad about yourself and make you think everything that happens to go wrong is your fault. once he gets you comfortablw with the he may get physically abusive to you. or else he may threaten to or actually harm your children. \nbe careful and make a plan for your exit. once you make up your mind you need to follow through and leave and don't ever look back\nif you want to talk to someone you can email me. ive been there and im out now.
1095562
All things change. That is the nature of life and reality.  The question is whether they grow or die. The difficulty in a relationship is that all parties are changing but are they changing in the same direction or in other directions. Learn to accept the change in yourself before you try to meaure the change in another.\n\nIt is not only possible but probabe to affect a change in another person. The impossibility is to intentionally direct the change of the other person. Even in the rare cases where someone allows themselves to be changed and guided like sheep will eventually rebel against the leash. A good example is adolesence. WIth multiple infuences telling a person what and how they should be, eventually they strike out on their own and become an individual as opposed to a sum of their influences (not that their influences will have no effect but less of one). I'm sure we all remember this point in our lives.\n\nThe question "why would a husband/father seperate themself from the family?" needs more clarification. What part of the family is the h/f seperating themself from? A quit from the family in entirely (dissapearance) is likely the h/f seeing a fault in themself that they cannot tolerate another to see. A h/f seperating themself from a specific member of the family likely shows that they see a fault in the other that they cannot tolerate.\n\nWhy would this situation result in that person blaming others? First and foremost, could the others possibly be to blame? You are obviously blaming the h/f for seperating himself from the family. Is it possible that they are driven away? Is it possible that the h/f has felt the leash of guilt to the point wher ethey are rebeling and trying to create their own idenity seperate of what you are trying to change this person into. You obviously accept no responsibility for the situation yourself which may be the reason this h/f is seperating themself not from the family but from you.\n\nBefore I am accused of trolling, know this, I am the accused husband.father in question. How dare I invade my wife's privacy, you ask. QUite easily when it is left on the screen of the computer for me to find and close when I return home from work. How dare I make our private issue so public? Because it was already done so.\n\nUp until the previous paragraph was a reasoned argument that I would give to anyone with the smae question. Here begins my diatribe.\n\nThis is the forum upon which I have had the most capability to speak to my wife about these issues so I will take thsi opportunity to do so. Why? You ask. Because we see each other for upwards of 40 minutes most days with the exception being the days one of us has off work. Our days off have rarely cooencided leaving us between 6-10 hours to grow together.\n\nHave you changed me? Most certainly. You have changed me to a man who sleeps on the couch ost comfortably (the most recent couch was even bought with this in mind). Did she kick the scoundral out of the martial bed? No. While I had found several couches to be comfortable previous I had never set up a permanant residence on one until now. I almost never sleep in the bed even when you're out of town. It began thus (from my perspective of course since I haven't got another): \n\nI snore. kill me now. I snore so bady that my wife would leave the bed and sleep on the couch. I snore so badly that my wife would even leave the bed complaining of snoring even beofre I fell asleep. Despite my wife's statement that she didn't mind, I noticed that she was looking more and more tired. So I stopped sleeping in her bed.\n\nWhy have I not changed in the ways you want me to change? Because the times that I have changed for you (you'll of course have forgotten them all) I have still never gotten the feeling once that you ever loved me back. I have never once gotten the feeling that you have accepted me mutch less loved me. Accept one of my faults, ever, and I may accept
1076470
people change..it all depends on how she changed........if you love her, you can deal with it
879748
It would depend on how many times he has promised to change and what happened before.\n\nIt is true that we all have faults.  However, some faults are easier to deal with than others.  I for one could not stick with someone with temper problems, whether he was violent or not, because I don't like being with someone who makes me nervous.\n\nEven at the end of your question you sounded like you were getting in a mood.
994567
My husband and I have been married for a year and have been together for 5 years.  The first year was fine...2 months after we started dating I moved to Texas with my parents...9 months later I moved back to where he was and we moved in together I'd say about 6 months later is when it started.  He would get really angry because I was complaining too much about his job or that he wouldn't do the dishes when I asked and he would throw chairs...at the time we had those little plastic picnic chairs...and clothes at me or near me.  He would yell and scream at me and get right up in my face.  I don't remember him ever laying a hand on me during that time though.  About a year or two later we ended up breaking up mostly because we needed to be our own people for a while considering I was 17 when we moved in together and he was 20.  We were apart for about 2 months then we got back together and I moved in with him and his roommate at the time.  About a month or so later we got our own place and soon after that is when the major abuse started.  I never chalked it up as abuse though until I was watching some show and realized that my boyfriend was abusing me.  When he would get really mad at me he would grab my neck and pin me to the wall or throw me to the couch or the bed or where ever we were.  He has only slapped me twice and I've gotten a few bruises on my neck.  After I realized it was abuse I started to fight back and when he would grab my neck I would kick at him and push him away...I only did that a couple times because it made him even more angry.  We did end up getting married about 6 months after we got back together.  A lot of the abuse happened soon after we got married.  I only remember actually losing my breath and struggling to breath once...and that was a couple of months ago when we were in a car and arguing about he wanted to change his oil in front of an auto parts store but there was a guy outside that when my husband was in the store kept walking past the car looking at me in a weird way so when my husband came back to the car I told him I wanted to leave and told him the reason and so he got all upset and acted like a total baby and so on the way home I told him that him being my husband should want to protect me and want me to feel safe and whatever and I guess I said something wrong and he reached over and grabbed my neck and didn't let go right away like he normally did.  We got home soon after that and I went in and started to pack my things to leave and he came in and threw me on the bed and told me I wasn't leaving so I decided to leave my things and just leave and he just kept stopping me grabbing my wrists and he pushed me and I fell over a foot rest and hit my head.  I don't remember why I didn't leave.  but since then we have gone to a counselor I think two times...but now he works so much that we argue on the phone.  He never did this when he was drinking...we don't drink very much.  I don't know how he could do this to me either...he always said it was because I knew what made him mad but I still did it.  I have changed because of this...I don't say as much anymore and I pick and choose my words...I can't say I am afraid of him though.  I still say what I want when I'm really angry.  I know hes more afraid of my step dad than I am afraid of him though.  It use to happen at least once a week to twice a month.  We don't have kids...we have animals...whenever he kicks the dog I kick him...so see I'm not that afraid of him...I am for a couple weeks after the events happen though but normally I'm not.  He is intimidating though because hes a foot and a half taller than me.
988583
Well, this is kinda hard, but there is hope. I had a similar problem. I didn't used to know how to deal with my anger. I hid it and covered it and blew up at stupid times, until finally I did something I really regret. My gf hit me so I hit her back, and I went to jail. She could have left me, I deserved it, but she stuck by me. She helped me turn my life around and now we are happily married with a beautiful baby boy, 4 months old. we've been together for 5 years, married for 3, and it's great. But it wouldn't have been if I didn't go to counseling and get the help I needed (that took some time to realize too, over a year of meetings once a week for a few hours in group therapy), and if she wasn't strong enough emotionally to deal with it. We've proved our love over time, and we've never been happier. So stick in there IF he's willing to fix how he handles his emotions (anger is a motion, just like happiness or sadness, etc). The number one ingredient that has made the long term difference in all our problems/challenges, is having God at the center of our life. Without him, we both have been too weak at times, and would have fallen apart. With him, our love will never fail!
116076
I have been through this same thing you are going through. (My husband is active duty in the military too BTW) When he got nice all of a sudden it was because he was having an affair. So I don't think he will keep the new changes. My advice is to be cautious.
871176
Recommend you see a professional marital counselor first, and a divorce lawyer, and "get your ducks in a row".\n\nI would recommend you do that as soon as you possibly can because your situation at home is not something a woman should be involved in.\n\nAs a nuetral third party observer I assume I'm one of many who have told you leave your abusive husband.\n\nI'm not familiar with the psychology of what you are going through and I understand from the few articles I have read you might be undergoing some sort of dependence or whatever. There are halfway houses or whatever, there are enough mechanisms society has put in place for these types of situations.
475891
Well he is stepping up the control and the abuse. Almost like testing the waters so to speak. He seeing how much he can get away with. He may have realized he took it too far, and my regret his actions. Unless he gets help he is not going to change.  You will change though.  Each time he abuses you he is taking apart of your soul. You won't even realize it. Before you realize your entire life will be based on his reactions. The cycle of abuse is hard to stop. The only thing you can do at this point is get out while you still can.
1079101
I was in an abusive marriage for 32 stupid years. I was taught that you stick it out no matter what. So I did. I wasted my whole life. The only thing I did get out  of the marriage was 2 wonderful children. They never knew what was going on. My husband rarely abused me when they were around.\n\nBut by the time the kids were in there teens, they would ask why I was taking the verbal and mental abuse they heard. Then I got tired of apologizing for his attitude all the time to others.\n\nI watched every thing that I could on abuse and self improvement, on T.V.\n\nWhen my dad, (who was like my husband) passed away, I saw my mom actually be happy. Kind of like Whooppee!!!!! That for me, made me decide that I would rather spend at least one year of my life HAPPY than another forty years miserable. So went to women's resource centre and asked alot of questions.  Less than 6 months later, I left. I went to a women's transition home, to get some time  on my own with counsellors, and then got my own apartment. \n\nI have never looked back. That was just over 2 1/2 years ago. I have really never been happier. A year ago I refound an old friend and neighbour, that is divorced and we have been together since, enjoying life.
725577
Yes, I was in a marriage very similar to that, and my ultimate goal was to leave also, but I did the same thing as u and that was to try to save the money to leave so I could survive on my own but u know what, it was the worst mistake. The longer I stayed the more of my self-respect and self-worth I lost. I became a shell of myself. I couldn't handle it anymore and I prayed that I recieve the strength and courage to find the right words to say and the strength I needed to walk out the door without turning back. Within 2 days the words were coming out of my mouth without effort and I had the strength I had never had before. He flipped out and tryed to intimidate me to stay with him, but I left anyhow. I left with no job and no money, but u know what u survive. Friends and family were there to help me as they would u too. You can rebuild materialistic things and money but it's very difficult to rebuild self-worth. It's been 3 years since this happened to me and I am the happiest I have ever been in my life. My only regret is that I waited so long to do it, and put my self through more abuse then I needed to. Money and stability doesnt bring happiness........that will come in time. Don't waste anymore of your life on this person. Good luck and I wish u the best.
1048752
get over it, he's human.  try being a wonderful loving wife, and less of a nagging, please be more perfect for me wife.  your already married, accept him for who he is right now, and you will be surprised how fast he changes.  if you want to change something someone is doing, change yourself first.  they will have to change to fit into the new equation.  what if you did something he did not like, do you really want to brow beat each other your whole marriage, or do you want to enjoy him.. what if he died tomorrow, you really think he will be on his death bed thinkin of women he looked at, or his loving wife and child?
424019
They have to admit there is a problem to change. From my experience I think most are not going to do that. My husband just keeps telling me he is not that bad why do I despise him so much? He doesn't see what he has done to me inside.