Confronting mom on poor parenting, any advice?
820869
Dear Erin,\n\nI know exactly what you are going through and exactly how you feel.  Lots of people are telling you to let it go, they are not wrong, but for me the piece that was missing was the HOW. \n\nI sat down with a pen and a notebook and I wrote my mother a letter.  The first one I wrote was scathing, mean, confrontational and a lot of finger pointing examples.  After I wrote that letter, I felt a little bit better inside.  I re-read that letter two weeks later and decided to write a new letter instead.  The second letter still held a lot of anger and frustration but was not near as nasty and spiteful.  I felt better after that one also.  Again two weeks later re-read and wrote a third letter.  \n\nBy writing the letters I was getting the anger, hatred and resentments out of my head and was able to not think about them as much.  Every time I wrote one of these letters it took more of the anger and hatred out.  I did confront my parents about the things that were really bad and wrong but was able to do so in a non-confrontational way because I had already done the confrontational part in my letters.  I never showed or sent the letters to anyone, and when I was ready to let go of the crap I put them in the fireplace and burned them.\n\nGood Luck and feel free to email me @ janesalladay@yahoo.com
722251
Therapy and Medications. Admit her into a phyc ward for a while. And I agree with the chanting of, "Jesus save my daughter". That's pretty funny. \n\nIf I were that kids mom, I'd give her ONLY what she NEEDS! Clothes to last a week. A blanket, pillow, and mattress. 1 towel,tooth and hairbrush, and she has to "check out" toiletries such as toilet paper, shampoo, conditioner, and soap. NO toys, posters. movies, games, t.v., phone. This is called "Tough Love", and is used often by many parents for kids who refuse to understand the concept of having respect for their authoritive figures/parents. My folks used it on me for 2 years. They even locked me up for that time period. I was better for it when I got out to be honest. It REALLY does work. I gained a way better concept of appreciation for what I received for free. I am 31 now, and I think I live a better life now than what I might have, had I not gotten that intervention.
96026
Try having a conversation with (and yes i am serious) Mom. Just talk to her and find out why she calls him all the time, don't be rude or ugly, just talk to her and find out more about their relationship and what his childhood was like. Could be that there are some reasons for her overinvolvement and maybe she is just as anxious to help him become less dependent on her too. If nothing else you might be able to get to know her well enough to ask her as politely as you can to relax a little. You might learn that maybe Mom isn't the clinger  and the guy is and the two of you can work on him together, and if she likes you and thinks you respect her enough to come to her with your issue instead of running to him and complaining you will earn her respect and maybe even her blessing. And while that might not matter at all to you I can assure you that it does to him.
213901
Be honest.\nYour mother wants the best for you; if you need help,\nshe'll be happy you came to her.\nFind a quiet moment when you can approach her without being interrupted.\nGood luck.
199535
Try to find out what makes her, happy, sad, angry, and relaxed. When you find out these things, then you'll know what to and not to do to press her buttons. People usually say try talking to herr, but if your mother isn't the talking type, write a letter, but try not to sound so dogmatic in the letter. Let her know how you feel, but in a respectful way.  Parents always try to say that we as young adults, we lack respect because we feel like we're practically grown, so make sure you give her the upmost respect, even you maynot think she deserves it at times, because as the bible says "Honor your Father and Mother, that way it may go well with you, and you may have length days upon the earth"
225439
I would call the mother and act real sympathetic and tell her how sorry you are that you got her daughter a card where she doesn't like to shop. I have a feeling it will embarrass the heck out of this lady and maybe that is what she needs to come off her high horse!\nP.S. Tailback needs to get a life! Walmart is awesome. Where else can a family go in todays economy and be able to afford to feed, cloth and entertain their family ?
526597
IM terribly sorry to hear this but it seems to me that you are trying to hard to be a friend and youve lost that line between friend and mother.. My own mother is the complete opposite, we have a great relationship but i cant be truthful with her about anything because shes doesnt agree with most of it and she would guilt me out..But in your circumstance, I would say that the only thing you can do is be her mother, like the old saying you can lead a horse to water but you cant make it drink.. you can tell her what you may think is the right way to go, but you cant make her do it. Its tough but at least if it doesnt end up well you can say you tried... I know its tough because ive been in your daughters shoes, and what she needs the most is your love and support, not neglect or guilt. \nMy mom is starting to accept the fact that im an adult and she may not support everything i do she doesnt realy try to guilt me out, and our relationship has grown\nso just be open, calm, and honest.\nI hope this helped
1138406
Talk to her and give her a deadline. Tell her that she needs to move by a certain day, no exceptions! If it doesn't work, remove all of her personal belongings and deliver them to her mother. \nBy reading what you have typed, sounds like you are the type of person who gives in easily to others distress. She needs to understand that you will not take any excuses. Sometimes tough love is just what people need.\nIt is hard to advise on this because we who reply do not know the full situation.\nMaybe the person you are helping is a moocher. Maybe she's afraid to move in with her mother. Without knowing the person's age and situation, it is hard to say whether this person needs a reality check, or compassion.
558777
You have been probably too lenient and do not always do what you say you will do to punish her when she is naughty.  That is my guess...At 11, children are beginning to test more and more boundaries with adults.  As her mother, if you are weak, she will learn that quickly and use it to HER advantage.  If you keep letting her be that way, she will continue to get worse.  Basically, she has no respect for you, more than likely.  You have to be make her REALIZE that YOU have the AUTHORITY...the upper hand.  She's a child, she does NOT know more than you, but if you keep letting her think so, she will keep walking all over you.  Before long, you will have NO control and MORE problems.  \nI suggest speaking to a therapist or counselor.  You can get counseling anywhere for free if you can not pay.  Ask you local  social services dept, a school representative, your doctor, someone at a church, the phone book has blue colored pages called "The Blue Pages" or "Government Pages" where you will find this kind of information.  Any one of these places, in your city or town or village, or county, can get you the help you need.\nGood luck...bad kids are not born, they are made.
15385
I was your daughter, once upon a time. What my mother did with me was to inform me of the consequences if I did something & then she carried it out...consistency is the only way to deal with this. I was an only child so I had just about everything a kid could want in my room. When I was bad, I was not allowed to play in my room; instead being relegated to the end of the couch in the living room where she could keep an eye on me while she went about her daily chores. There was nothing in this world that I hated more than being made to sit at the end of that couch because there was no TV, no radio, no nothing. I was told that, if I put even one foot on the floor & didn't sit there like a little lady, I would get a spanking...it worked wonders.\n\nAs for sharing - if your daughter has a problem with it - try the following. If I refused to share a toy with a little friend, my mother would take it from me. She'd put it away for later but she would tell me that if I didn't learn to share, she was going to give them away. It was just my mother's luck, I guess, that soon after this first incident, a friend of mine was having a birthday party & my mother had gotten her something that I also had & she knew the girl particularly liked. While it is true that she had to take me home from the party early because I launched into a screaming & crying fit (thinking the girl had been given my toy), you can bet that I learned that lesson immediately :) It wasn't until I was in my thirties that the subject came up one day & Mom realized what was behind my little fit...not fun to have your parent laugh at you when you are an adult :)\n\nBTW, a friend of mine uses a variation of the sitting on the couch routine when her child is bad. Difference is, she makes her kid sit on the sofa with the computer, radio & television all in the same room & turned off...drives her daughter crazy. Another friend has a kid who loves video games &, when he is being difficult, she takes them away & lets his brother play them in the other room; within the child's hearing. I, personally, think this is a little mean & somewhat harsh, but it seems to work for her son.\n\nI think that is really the trick to getting them to behave in that every kid is different & you have to find out what gets under their skin. Its not to be mean, of course, it is so that you have that leverage that you need to keep them in line. I can assure you that by the time & was six or seven, my mother only need look at me in a particular way & I would not only shut my mouth, but immediately try to make myself invisible. At the same time, I never lived in fear of her...only of her being angry with me...big difference...\n\nGood luck!
568353
I think that's a hard one.I'm sure that it does bother you but she probably will have a hard time changing this rather disgusting habit.Therefore I would suggest that you do your best to control your uncontrollable desire to smack the food right out of her mouth.She is your mother and she deserves your respect. I'm sure she could name a list of your less desirable qualities as well after all she was the one who wiped your bottom for two or three years when you couldn't do it yourself. If it bothers you that much and after talking to her about it without food in her pie hole she still insists on the seee food approach. Well perhaps its time to avoid dinner with her and your friends. Good luck!
922367
Sounds like you're doing all you can. Taking away her things is a good punishment, and not letting her use the phone or watch t.v. or use the computer. There's plenty you can do as punishment that aren't abuse it's called discipline. Just make sure her mom and her dad are on board to back you up. It won't take long for her to realize she's not going to win this one and start behaving, for the most part. \nGood luck.
402375
Mamma knows best, kinda thing.  Its hard for them to see us grow up and move away, it hurts them, while this is a joyous time for you guys, part of  your mom is realizing that your leaving the nest and she is sad.  While her controlling things annoys you, perhaps she sees this as a last chance sort of thing.  Humor her as much as you can, and try to be understand ing.  Sit down and let your mother know that although you are starting a new life with your soon to be husband (CONGRATS CONGRATS) she will ALWAYS be a apart of you and your life.  Tell her that no matter what you love her, and need her and want her in your life.  Because the real issue is the fact that your mom is hurting over what she considers "loosing her baby".  Your problem may be control, but her problem is far greater.  You obviously have a mom who loves you more than anything, so your off to a great start, just try to talk to her, reassure her that your not "leaving her" she is not loosing a daughter but GAINING a son!!  Best of luck to you, have a happy happy life.  God Bless your family and marriage!!
979470
It sounds like moms got your life all planned out all nice and neat for you doesn't it? I really hate to say it, but I am. This is like so totally typical of concerned parents, myself as well. What I have learned thus far from parenting teenagers is:\n\n1.) Don't sweat the small stuff. Meaning, it's their room and if they want to live in a pig sty, WHO CARES!!! If they can't find their favorite flip-flops because there is 8 ft. of clothes and crap on the floor, they have no one to blame but themselves! And us as parents are free of accepting the blame.\n\n2.) Let your kids pick their own careers. My mom wanted me to be a nurse to. Oh my God, did she want me to be a nurse! Me? If I saw blood I barfed. Not a good quality to possess if you have to work in the ER. Things would go from bad to worse in a matter of minutes, if I had a career such as that. I wanted to own a curiosity shop at the end of town. Nothing glamorise, just something to call mine. KEY POINT PARENTS: You can lead the horse to water, but you can't make them drink.\n\n3.) Don't push money over love. That just makes my skin crawl. Being financially responsible to pay for your bills, and have enough left over to eat, drive, play a little. What's wrong with that? It looks to me, that the people I see swimming in cash are lacking in a very vital organ. A FUNCTIONING BRAIN. I would much rather live in a card board box behind a gas station, then sponge off my parents investments and carry a chiuawa under my arm.\n\n4.) Ease up on the curfews, folks. That is UNLESS your teen has proved that they cannot be trusted. Then by all means, tug on the reigns till they get the message that when you say 11pm, you mean 11:00pm standard time, not 11:00am the next day or central time or in Pakistan. Whatever the excuse may be, and by golly, they can come up with some doosies. As long as their homeworks done, they have been in good standings with the family and they haven't broke too many laws, whynot bump up their stay out time? If it's their safety your worried about, send a cell phone with them. You may have a couple calls on there that you wern't expecting, but oh well. At least you can find them at all times. \n\nWell, my dear, share this with your mom and keep an open mind. All in all, she is your mom and it sounds like she cares about you a whole lot. Your very lucky....(yea, yea, yea I know what your thinking!) But us parents do strange funky old fashioned stuff because we care about you little brats. We just want to raise you to the point where you can function in society without drooling down your fronts, and then you on your own.........
646674
no your mother doesn't hate you! moms are just people and sometimes they make mistakes, but its not your place to tell her that she is wrong, she's the mom. often times if you want to be heard you have to make sure you are 'presenting your case' in a reasonable and respectful manner, even if what you are saying makes sense nobody is going to hear you if you are ranting and raving, i'm not saying that you are just letting you know. when you are both calm and reasonable tell her you'd like to talk to her, think about what you will say beforehand and stay calm.
62131
In the bible it says to not "drive the rod of correction" away from the child, Now, if you think about it in the exact context, most people would think that meant to spank them. I disagree, I believe that if she has seen that kind of behavior, it wouldn't be a good idea to tell her Not to do that, by doing it. Most likely, give her a system. Reward her for being good, Take something away that she likes if she's being bad... when I was younger my mom and I came up with a sticker game. For each good behavior, I recieved a sticker, after 10 stickers I would get something.. a treat. For each bad behavior, I would get a red sticker on my chart, which was a negative. Time outs can be helpful, if she is being loud, talk quietly, almost whisper, it will take patience, but it will work. I will pray that things work out with her. Give her attention, find a story book that promotes good moral and read it to her before she goes to bed at night. tell her you love her, and find some friends that are good influences for her to play with. And most of all, don't bend on time outs, or confiscation of items, or she will think it's okay, the younger years are the years where they learn morals, what's right, what's wrong. Choose wisely, and use your intuition as a mother. -- take care, I hope this helped.
790245
Oh yay, parents.\n\nFact is, she has no bearing on what you and your hubby do in rearing your children (biological or not). You are the functional unit. Tell her that. If she doesn't respect it...reduce the time she is allowed to be around you two. Tell her that you love her, but you have to keep the best interests of your family at heart and she is meddling in business she shouldn't bother with. Tell her that she either stopps or you will have to disallow visits with the kiddos to keep their best interest at heart.\n\nGrandchildren are a privlidge not a right. \n\n\nShe is your momma and I know you love her. I hate it when this type of thing happens. She is jealous of something, maybe it is because she wants to monopolize your love or maybe she is just alone. Tell her you want to help her and have her be a major part of your life and your childrens life. Offer family visits to the psychologist. Grandparents are a blessing and I know I wouldn't be the person I am today if I hadn't have had my Dad's Mom and Dad involved in my life. However, it was a healthy involvement...\n\nI am sorry you are stuck in the middle. That sucks so bad.