stuck in a marriage that can't get out for 17 years help!!?
828735
<sigh> I really can understand where you are coming from.  I was in a marriage for 15 years before I moved out.  I made a painful decision to leave my boys with my ex-husband because he was in the Navy; steady income and secure residence, whereas I didn't know what would be my plight if I took them with me.  I worked two jobs, saved my money and finally managed to move into my own apartment nearby.  The boys thought it was fun to visit me on weekends "to get away from Dad."  Things actually worked out for awhile.\n\nThe thing is, you have to look at your situation and see what it is you are financially, mentally and emotionally capable of.  The arguing is not good, especially if the kids get involved.  This is what motivated me most to leave my ex.  He and I were arguing over the most ridiculous things and it was affecting the boys.  I talked with them and asked them how they felt about my leaving, getting secure with finances and bringing them with me once I'd gotten myself "steady" and they told me I should do what I needed to do to be happy.\n\nI had family but I didn't want anyone to know my marriage was ending, so I did everything on my own.  It took time and sacrificing.  I did have one friend who supported me in my decision and was someone I could talk to, which helped me get through the frustration of an ending marriage.\n\nWhile you go through this, if you could find a local service that could assist you, try to avoid confrontations with him, even if it means your not going "out."  These battles will affect your children and someone should take precautions to avoid that as it is just unnecessary.  \n\nIn hind sight, I wish I had waited until my boys had graduated high school because now, they bring it up and hold me accountable for the things that have gone wrong in their early adulthood life.  I'm not telling YOU to wait.  You have to research this within yourself and make the best decision for both YOU and the children.\n\nI wish you the best - this is a hard road to travel and no one person has the answer.  Be patient - you will find that answer within yourself soon enough.
93595
If you're miserable in your marriage and you have tried unsuccessfully to work things out with your husband then there is only one thing you can do--SHOW HIM THE DOOR.  Trust me...I was in a dead-end marriage and was totally miserable.  The only reason I stayed in the marriage as long as I did was for the kids. But now I look back at it and realize that I should have left him long before we even got married, because there were signs there that things weren't going to be right.\n\nSo many times us women think if we just stick things out things will change, or even we can change the man.  But sadly that doesn't happen, and for you to stay in a marriage\nwhere you feel alone is only going to hurt you.  Life is short--you deserve to be happy and feel loved and like you have a partner in your relationship.\n\nRegarding your previous split with your husband, it sounds like he was almost over-doing it in fear of losing you.  It shouldn't take the fear of losing you to make him treat you like his wife.  Cut him loose, and when he comes a wooing tell him "Sorry, you had your chance."  Then get out there and find you a good man.  You'll be glad you did.
121113
Divorce is the easy way out. But it is a BAD choice.\n\nDo EVERYTHING that you can to make your marriage work.
1081449
I WAS married for a long time and it took me a long time to get the strength to leave him. I should of done it sooner. If you are scared find some sort of support group or email me. \nOnce I was away from him, I realized how crazy things and it was way worse then I ever imagined. I believe that marriage is a lifetime commitment. But, it can be broken if things are bad enough.  Find a friend who you can depend on to do what you must do. If you have exhausted all hope of improving things, then you need to gather your wits and be strong and do what you need to do. I stayed way to long and it really harmed my two youngest children. They paid a huge price.
670046
Listen honey I have been in a bad relationship myself and know where you arecoming from you have to stand up for yourself and move on you say you can't leacve Why? they have got you to the point where you are wallowing in self pity just as they like you. What is happening here is domestic abuse and it has to end before you end first. For your childrens sake leave him if he don't like it tell him where to go ****himself or tell him if he loves you to stand up to his family for you though from the sound of it he is week as s**t no man should ever allow anyone including his family to run you down. I wish i could do more for you but sadly I can't if you need to chat though send me an email and I will keep chatting and offering no strings advice I am a voluntary member of the samaritans and will make timwe to chat if you need me.
100863
You need to be stubborn, hard-headed and just decided from the start that you will not get a divorce.  You'll work through the problems, the drama, the inconviences.  You have to WANT the marriage to stay intact.
1151550
17 years is back far enough to b considered "common law marriage" get a good lawyer, and "show" that ur more responsible!   good luck
558110
I am thinking that he's become abusive because he really isnt back to where he was....in his eyes.  And that would be something that HE needs to deal with.  Perhaps he needs some counseling on how to do that.  If that is impossible than it may be time for you to return to MT to have some form of life for yourself. But in there, you too should have some outside help, sot that you can release any feelings of guilt. I can certainly understand your frustration.  He seems no longer the person that you orginally married. However, that's not abnormal either.  We all change, both mentally & physcially, thus the high divorce rate.  I sincerly wish you luck in finding yourself again. Please include YOURSELF in your care giving! :)
1058236
Contact social services and start some type of child support\nYou will need the help \nhe probably thinks he can get off scott free
1080971
Get out as fast as you can. He will have to pay child support. But he isn't faithful & why have your children grow up around a man who messes round.\nYour happiness seems to NOT be important to him.
359950
There are other occupations where spouses are seperated for long periods of time and alot of those survive. Tell him that you think the marriage is starting to drift because he isn't around much anymore. Ask him to prehaps take sometime off and possibily cut down hours (if it would allow him to see you). Also another soultion would be to move in with him.
492915
Contact the key wives club, or family assistance programs.  Those are designed to help someone in your situation.  As for does it get easier, it'll stay the same.  Especially if he stays in for 20.  You'll know the ropes and be teaching to the other new wives then.  But it could be worse.  Join, and you'll see how much harder it is on him than you.
461970
Well, if you're willing to leave her and can manage on your own, or have someone who can help you, you can file for divorce. Only you know if the pain is worth the wife and what she offers. However, I think she's wrong to do this, and if she ever blames you, because of your condition or something, she married you like this. she knew what she was going to be going through.
151466
WOW! What a situation...The advise given above is very good...You sound like a Christian, ( you chose my answer about "if today was your last day. etc". So, first of all, as you already know, prayers are a neccessary part of the answer. Pray very hard to keep your distance from the wife. That would really complicate matters, and you have a chance here, to show strength, in spite of "obstacles". As some of the others have said, move ASAP! When the arguing starts, either pray, read the Bible, try to talk to them and tell them how they are affecting everyone else, especially their kids. Remove yourself from the situation, call some other friends and go out, etc. or even take their kids somewhere fun. \nThis couple needs some real help, (Why does she stay wtih him, if he's messing around? ) Suggest that they get help, or temporarily split up, as the kids must be seeing some horrible behavior. Why do they fault you for their problems? If you feel like a time bomb, ready to go off, you gotta get outta there!!!\nGod must have allowed you to be in this situation, so you could do some good here....think of it as a "test or trial"... but do the right thing, stay out of their problems, and find somewhere else to live, as soon as you can.  Best of Luck, and God bless you...
253934
JUST get out go to family frinds, Get the LAW invalved!!!!!  There are place that can help you!!
841534
I know it's hard, believe me! It's not something you get over in one night, or one year. It takes alot of time and you have to ask yourself if you are willing to give yourself that time? Is the marriage good now? Is it worth working on? Your wife needs to work on rebuilding your trust. Is she willing to do whatever it takes to help you along with this? It really seems to me that she is, because 20yrs is a long time that you both have invested in. I know you are in pain right now, your wife has been in pain for the last 10yrs thinking about what she did and has lived with knowing that one day you would find out and maybe end the life she really wants. And that is to be wife and a mother to YOUR kids. I am not making excuses for her because what she did was wrong! I know you need validation right now and you have every right to feel that way. You (I am sure) are a great dad. So for right now, focus on that. Time will heal...I promise!
871176
Recommend you see a professional marital counselor first, and a divorce lawyer, and "get your ducks in a row".\n\nI would recommend you do that as soon as you possibly can because your situation at home is not something a woman should be involved in.\n\nAs a nuetral third party observer I assume I'm one of many who have told you leave your abusive husband.\n\nI'm not familiar with the psychology of what you are going through and I understand from the few articles I have read you might be undergoing some sort of dependence or whatever. There are halfway houses or whatever, there are enough mechanisms society has put in place for these types of situations.