I found out my ex was having an affair. We were married over 20 years. How do I learn to trust again?
813544
How do you learn to trust again?\n\nThe easy but true answer is the Nike Response:  "Just Do It."\n\nRemind yourself that your current partner is not the one who wronged you, and your current partner shouldn't pay for your ex's betrayal.\n\nOwn your feelings and actions.  You CAN help jumping to conclusions.  You steer your life; your life doesn't steer you.\n\nYou have to relive your past as long as you decide that's what you want to do.\n\nDecide to be happy instead.\n\nGood luck and best wishes with your new relationship!
4110
Not knowing the details, it is tough to answer, but there are various types of women out there, and for some, trust is everything. If you did enough to make her leave you, it must have been pretty bad. I would assume (since I don't know the circumstances) that either there have always been trust issues, or that your infidelity (of whichever type) was long standing and ongoing, and so she felt betrayed. In both cases, I don't know if there is anything you could do. If she left because of pure emotional reaction, you might have a chance, but if it was an intellectual decision, it is not likely to work. Emotion can be reasoned with - an overreaction can be dealt with, but logic is usually rock solid.  You could offer therapy for you both, however if you are already 'divorced', it seems a little too final to try that. Apologies alone won't really get you anywhere. Not much of an answer, but without any details, it's the best I've got. My main advice though is to know when to give up. Some battles can't be won. At some point, you might have to just count your losses, consider this an expensive learning experience, and don't make the same mistake next time.
256282
If you don't trust her things aren't going to get any better between the two of you.  My ex lied to me about something HUGE and when he was caught he apologized and I took him back but I NEVER trusted him again and it led to me breaking up with him again.  You deserve to be with someone that you can trust and that respects you.  The best thing that you can do is end this now and stop dragging it out.  The longer that you drag this out the harder that it is going to be on both of you.
775213
Some you win, some you lose.\n\nYou have to try & put this behind you otherwise you'll end up going out of your mind. I realise it must hurt like hell but you can't change the situation.\nOther people will do things at times that if we allow them (situations) will totally screw up our heads. Right now you need to find a way not to let that happen.\n\nUnfortunately there's no easy answer to this, you will feel right now as if you've been totally & utterly betrayed & of course you have. Made all the worse because it's come from someone that you loved & trusted (your wife & Mother of your Children)\n\nI don't think the fact that she was already your ex when you found out makes it any easier for you because you were still together when she did what she did.\nThe worst thing in situations like this is that your future relationships will (if you allow them to) be tainted with distrust & scepticism. You may have to get help to sort this out for you (counselling) before you even attempt to embark on another relationship. Stuff like this tends to rear its ugly head (in our heads) when we least expect it to. If left it can almost take over our lives.\n\nI'm sorry that this has happened. Fair enough if a marriage has broken down or one partner has an issue with the other & things can't be resolved, then arrangements need to be made to split as amicably as possible. To go off & have an affair without sorting one way or the other the relationship we're already in is rank out of order.\n\nDon't let people change you into the slimy scum that they are. \nit will only make you unhappy.\n\nYou can pretty much be sure of this fact though, & that is, once the relationship your ex is now in hits the bumps that hit every relationship at one time or another, she doesn't have what it takes to sort things out properly & will be moving on to her next beau.\n\nYou can feel pity for the Guy she's with now that he can't somehow see that the way she's treating her ex husband & father of her Children, she will one day treat him.\n\nI wish you the best of luck for your future,
722838
I dont think you should be talking to your EX at all. And the fact that you are sneaking around makes me think you want something from her. There is a reason she is your EX. YOu should quit contacting her. And when your wife finds out I hope she kicks your scandalous a$$!
265474
You are not doomed if you understand and learn from your mistakes. Sometimes that requires seeing a counselor or even talking with a friend who is insightful enough to give really good advice. (Not just someone who will say what they think you want to hear. You need someone who is honest with you.) Did you cheat on this woman before? Is that why she does not trust you? If you did, then you have to work really hard for her to believe you again. That means staying true and never giving her any reason to doubt you. It also could take a long time to make her feel that she can trust you. But no, you are not doomed to repeat your past... unless you don't learn from it.
89483
I am a female whose husband had an emotional affair.\nOne tiny white lie will lead to a road of destruction.\nI am currently trying to forgive him, but its not working so well. Any and all cheating is unforgettable. The true trust will be gone forever.
587795
Been there. Once a cheat ALWAYS a cheat!!! Would you rather you kids grow up in a home thinking that arguing and cheating is natural. If your unhappy you kid cant be happy. Those kids should come first. As for your trust you will NEVER be able to get back. You will always wonder when he goes to the store, you will constantly wonder. Is that how you want to spend your days. IF you are wondering all the time then when do you have the time to be happy. Once the trust is broken its gone FOREVER. You may be able to forgive but you will never forget. And if you can forget then you really havent forgiven.
436939
There are still memories of that person u still have ...\n\nAll i can say is ur being self-centered ... ur first mistake was getting married to ur current hubby ... n then ur second mistake was having a kid ..... ur third mistake is thinkin u can get ur ex back ..... \n\nur gonna keep on makin mistakes unless u stop thinkng bout him ... Frankly wud u rather risk ur entire life or b with ur hubby who loves u n ur child n have a family ??\n\nif u want out then do it asap be4 u hurt more n more people
374584
You need to back off and give your partner some space. He/she may decide that it is definitely over but it is their choice not yours you had the affair. You can't rebuild trust by playing games or taking quizzes on the internet. Try to be the best parent you can to your kids.
244799
like a fool i took mine back and we were married a week later, but i still find it hard to trust him. even tho hes the one who told me he was cheating. we have been married for 2 years now and together 6 and so far he hasnt done it again ( that im a ware of) if i had it to do over i would have left him.
182361
Man...that sucks.  My ex and I broke up after I discovered cheating...and then I was a sucker and feel for the "I am so sorry" speech.  Needless to say the next 6 months were absolute hell.  \nI was never able to forgive the cheating in the first place and made myself completely crazy.  If you are checking her email now, sounds like you may be in the same position I was.  Man, you gotta move on. Confront her if you need. SO WHAT that you have been checking her email!  What is she going to do?  Get mad?  She is the one who broke the trust to begin with.\nTime to bail my friend.  Good luck to you.
708594
Unless you had some interest in the Ex, why did you talk with him a couple times?  Obviously, you felt you were doing wrong, because you hid it.  Now, AFTER you get caught, you whine about how much you love your husband, and how you want things to work out.  so touching.  Odd that you weren't all that concerned about NOT doing something your husband would consider being unfaithful, when you expected to not be found out, but AFTER getting caught, you are sooo worried about your marriage.  Just a guess- Did your husband have a problem with this guy before?  Did he specifically ask you not to have anything to do with him?  Did you promise hubby you wouldn't have anything to do with that ex?  Lady, you may find that some things just can't be fixed, and saying "sorry" AFTER getting caught, means very little.
1155280
Hon, from what I am reading you really aren't ready for another relationship right now if you are still hanging on to the memories of your previous relationship with the hope that things will happen for you both someday. Honestly, the chances are that they will are pretty slim to none, especially if you both are not on speaking terms.\n\nYou need to take some time to yourself and sort out your feelings for this guy. You need to make an honest assessment of what was good in the relationship, as well as what was bad, so that you have a better idea of what kind of relationship you want in the future. You need to determine what you will and will not accept in a relationship in the future, as well as assess what you both did wrong in the relationship that caused it to fail. This is especially important because one person is never solely responsible for a relationship's failure; both people are and to move on successfully you have to take responsibility for your own actions. Additionally, you will eventually need to forgive your ex for his contributions to the failure of the relationship, as well as forgive yourself. If you don't, you will carry that baggage into the next love affair you have and nothing will ever get resolved.\n\nIf you rush into another relationship now, while you are still reeling from the other one, you are getting involved for all of the wrong reasons: you don't want to be alone, you are afraid of being alone, etc etc etc. It will be a classic rebound situation. You won't be getting involved because you really like the new guy. You are getting involved because you can't handle being alone or you want to replicate what you had (when it was good) with your ex. Relationships like this are DOOMED.\n\nTake some time for yourself. Relax. Read, or hang out with your friends. Write your feelings in a journal; get to know who you are, sort your feelings out, and then, when you are ready, forgive your ex and yourself. When you feel positive about things again (including yourself) then and only then are you ready for another relationship.\n\nHow do I know this? Life experience. I am 50 now and I had to learn the hard way. When I was your age I was involved with a guy who I THOUGHT was the love of my life. It didn't work out, so in my panic, I rushed into a relationship with a guy who paid lots and lots of attention to me. I thought HE was the love of my life, too. What did I do? 2 years later we got married. OY! What a mistake that was. We were married for 10 years, and after 10 years of his craziness I finally was brave enough to get out of the marriage and get a divorce. He was NUTS - verbally abusive at first, and then he became physically abusive. When we dated I saw these things in him, but ignored them. I ignored my intuition - my gut told me he was nuts and that he was troubled, but because I was scared of being alone, I married him anyway. Why? Because he was romantic. Ahhh, nothing like lessons learned.\n\nI stepped back, assessed my wants and needs, forgave him and myself for our mistakes, and decided what I wanted. 4 years after my divorce and a few lousy relationships later, I met my second husband and married him 6 months later. That was 6 years ago and we are happy. In the end it worked out for me, but the stress of a miserable marriage because of my fears of aloneness made me sick. So don't do it. \n\nTake time for you, and sorry this is so long.
1130673
Well, hon, unfortunately you are trapped in a self created mess and you will have to face the consequences of your actions when they are revealed. Do I think your husband knows? Of course he knows! He may not know about it in concrete, factual terms, but he knows something is going on based on your actions, behavior and the subtle clues you've left behind. Unfortunately, when we are thrust into the throes of lust and passion, even though we tend to think we are being secretive and subtle about it, we aren't. In fact, we are screaming it across a loudspeaker. How? By the way we dress, act, and so forth. According to a private investigator I know, 98% of the partners of people that are having affairs KNOW that this is what is going on because they have "intuited" it. Thus, your hubby is asking probing questions to verify what he senses in you. It is possible however, and you need to be aware of this, that others have seen you with your lover, and may have reported it back to your husband. Again, as subtle and as cool as we think we are, we aren't. People watch.\n\nDo I think you should confess? Yes I do. This is risky because he may become so hurt and betrayed by your actions he may file for divorce, but this is a chance you have to take. Remember, as an adult you have to be responsible for your actions in life, and you have to sometimes pay the consequences for your actions. He may want to divorce you, or maybe he won't. In fact, he may want you to go for marriage counseling together to work it through. But you won't know this for sure until you carefully and sensitively discuss this with him. \n\nChances are he is going to want to know why you did this and you are going to have to look deep within yourself to find the root causes of your actions. You absolutely must take ownership of your actions, and apologize accordingly. You can't change the past now, but you can remedy it by acknowledging what you did and taking action to resolve the problem, build trust again with your partner, and forgive yourself. Look within. On the surface many of us venture into affairs because we want a different kind of attention from another man than what we are getting at home. Sometimes, we are drawn to someone because they possess something that our partner doesn't and we find it captivating. Sometimes we want to spice up our lives and have a bit of adventure, just as you said. But usually the root cause of our actions, beneath the excitement and forbidden nature of it all, is that we feel unappreciated, unloved, and undervalued by our partners and think - hope really -that someone else will give that to us. What we want, in effect, is a boost to our low self esteem, which is something we can garner from within ourselves rather than having to get it from outside sources.\n\nThe bottom line is simple: You are going to have to face the music, hon. I know you are scared of this, but maintaining a secret will create a larger wedge between you. This is far more damaging to a relationship because relationships must be built on honesty and trust, and without that, you have nothing. Relationships with secrets are doomed to fail because secrets always have a way of coming to the surface. And finally, unresolved issues between the two of you will affect not only your marriage, but your kids as well, and that isn't fair to them.\n\nI wish you good luck.
585780
F No leave his *** now like you should have been gone the first time.  Once a cheat always a cheat.  You should not forgive just move on by yourself.  They pain will not go away until you leave and move on.  Will you ever trust him again I hope not if you say several times they have cheated then they are not trust worthy and you are waisting your time and energy on something that will no matter what end, whether it is today or 10 years from now.  The question is how long do you want to make your self misrable?  They do not love you as much as they say they do, and yes you will have you ups and downs when you finally leave but just know it is not that hard to make it on your own as long as you keep trying.   I hope you do not have kids with this person because that should make it that much easier.  Do you want you son or daughter growing up thinking cheating is ok?  Come on now lets be realistic, by you asking IF you should leave and when is enough enough you already know the answer.  Good luck I hope you make the right choice!!
524436
Listen to your heart and start looking for signs of cheating. I started to have the exact feeling about my ex from 9 years ago. The feeling was very strong and pretty positive. I confronted him, but he just laughed about it. Later he sort of let the cat out of the bag by telling me he was going to hang out with other women and that I should hang out with other men. \nHe wouldn't let me answer the phone, he would get mail from people in the area and hide it, I would come home and find jackets at the house that were not mine, if we went anywhere he would have me drive by the neighborhood floozy's house to see if she was home and things like that. Another thing is, he would sneak out in the middle of the night and think that I didn't know anything about it and one night I was home and this strange car pulled up, I opened the house door and they left in a hurry. \n\nIf he stays out late at night, if is on the internet a lot, if he doesn't let you answer the phone, if he prefers to go out by himself on a frequent basis. Those are some of the red flags. Listen to your heart and be on a look out!