How do you get over your husband/wife being unfaithful?
812904
The best way is to think about what you really want.  Ask yourself questions, and maybe you will find peace.  You're going to have to find it in your own mind.  \n\nWill life be better without this person in it?  Do you think it really probable that you would find someone else who would always be 100% faithful?  Do you think this was an occasional thing or is this person a constant philanderer?  Is being 100% faithful actually possible?  Are you, or have you been, completely 100% faithful?  (You never had thoughts about someone you worked with, or got too friendly with that person?  It went almost there but stopped for some reason.  Or there's something about you your spouse doesn't know?)  Are kids involved in your relationship?  Can you understand or think of any reason that led to this infidelity?  Could your actions in any way have been responsible?  Do you REALLY think there can be improvements made to keep this from happening again?  Is this person basically a wonderful person besides this infidelity?  How long into your relationship did this infidelity occur?\n\nI'm not trying to be mean, or blame one person or the other.  I'm just saying be honest with yourself, and think about some things.  My thoughts might not be popular, but I believe in being realistic.  We can't expect someone to be perfect and we all make mistakes.  I think a lifetime of fidelity, especially for MOST men, is very rare!  And somewhere down the road you might end up with someone who has much worse traits than being unfaithful!  I wish you the best of lives, and hope everything works out for the best.
1100451
Seek counseling immediately.  AACC can help you find a Christian counselor.  I don't understand from your question whether you have cheated or been cheated on by your spouse.\n\nThis is tough to answer, and much depends on the nature of the relationship you have and other factors.  I think your spouse should know.  You may need to get into counseling first in order to have a support system in place when the fireworks go off.  You may need to tell him/her first, because if your spouse finds out you've already been to counseling, he/she may feel betrayed further.  Hard to say.  Pray for forgiveness, that God will strengthen and encourage your spouse, and for wisdom in knowing how to proceed.\n\nIf you are the offending party, you're going to have to face up to it.  That means answering the questions and giving your spouse space to feel his/her feelings.  You have known about this, and he/she has not.  It will take time and it's perfectly normal for feelings to fluctuate.\n\nDo not demand forgiveness or expect it too soon.  You'll need to show that you are trustworthy (fruits worthy of repentance).  Remember that forgiveness is a process and not a magic spell that takes the pain away.  This may be an arduous process, but it can be worth it.\n\nThere are some really good books and resources, but I highly recommend counseling.  You need someone who can sit down with you and help you process everything.  You may need to go separately before it's okay to try to work through things together.\n\nAACC to find a counselor: http://aacc.net/resources/find-a-counselor/\n\nBooks:\n\nHidden Keys of a Loving, Lasting Marriage, by Gary Smalley:  http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0310402913/qid=1151721150/sr=2-1/ref=pd_bbs_b_2_1/002-2437303-6036011?s=books&v=glance&n=283155\n\nTorn Asunder: Helping Couples Recover From Infidelity, by Dave Carder:   http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0802471412/qid=1151721623/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/002-2437303-6036011?s=books&v=glance&n=283155  -  this is the workbook, but it will give you an idea what the book is like.   Hopefully you can find the book on eBay or another online bookstore.\n\nBoundaries in Marriage, by Henry Cloud and John Townsend:  http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0310243149/qid=1151721831/sr=1-4/ref=sr_1_4/002-2437303-6036011?s=books&v=glance&n=283155\n\nThis is a difficult task to undertake.  Do all you can to strengthen yourself and your spouse.  Get as much help as you can and is appropriate.\n\nMay God bless your efforts to restore your marriage to what He wants it to be.
601445
i hear your question because it's the way i hope the women that cheated with my husband one day will feel sometimes i think she will realize this too late as a punishment and she will be too old to start over in life unlike me because she knew he was married, but i have good and bad days for the most part i let it go and just feel sorry for her and think to myself she is even stupidier than me because he was married and was  showing who he was i'm so glad to hear you woke up but probably because he forced you to by actually ending the relationship thats what happened to me the best thing that could have ever happened Hopefully the next fool will wake up real soon so he will get a chance to be a better guy before it's to late because it's women that really allow these guys to be the assholes they are. I know exactly what your talking about when you say name calling ect my husband convinced the other women i was crazy ect which is a manipulation tactic that allows them to keep doing what there doing and not feel guilty about it anyways you should definitely apologize to his ex-wife even though she probably never thinks about him anymore because the days he consumed her are gone these guys suck the life out of women your consuming days will be gone soon too. She probably will tell you you don't have to apologize for jumping in and catching all the hell from him that was suppose to be hers she'll probably thankyou i know thats what i would do if my x's wife ever said sorry to me. Yes you should definitely apologize though it's nice to be validated and it's never to late to start doing the rite thing because as you just have learned you reap what you sow. It's never to late to start sowing good seeds when you get over all your anger and sorrow one day you might suprise yourself and start praying for him and the one he's with now thats probably what his ex did for you. After all he left you so somebody must be praying for you!!!!---when your 'happily' remmaired & have a man that loves you back you'll know what i mean by this. Godbless
173627
I am really sorry to hear that, and really hope you are doing alright. I just found out the same thing about my g/f of over 4 years, so feel lucky it happened now and not further down the road. \n\nYou have to realize that you cannot forgive a person for that. Can you imagine your relationship if you got back together? if you got married? Is that how you'd expect the person that you want to be with to treat you. What he did is total disrespect towards you and you deserve better. \n\nThe best thing you could do is cut all ties and abolish any friendship you have with the person...not calling or emailing will be the toughest part but it is important that he realizes that he really messed up and it is his loss...you'll be better off in the long run. Remember you can't be friends with a person that hurts you on purpose...cheating is never an accident. If you try to get him back with you, you lose all respect and degrade yourself, you make him feel like he is a great catch if you still want him (he doesn't deserve that), you make him feel like he can have you anytime and treat you like crap, and You Deserve Better!!!\n\nemail me if you need more advice...I have been through it all lately (apshawnhunt@COLDmail.com - change to hot)\n\nGood luck finding someone that sees you for the great person I'm sure you are.
1107324
Lots of things are not easy but many times it is important to look beyond the temptation and simply do the right thing.  Anyone who is in a committed relationship can do several things to avoid having an affair.  Make your partner your priority.  Think how you would feel if you were to lose your partner and how badly you would hurt your partner if you were unfaithful. Imagine how badly you would feel if your partner were unfaithful to you.  Make a list of all the things you love about your partner.  Then make a list of the things about your partner that's not pleasing to you.  Check the lists against each other and see what a great person it is that you are with.  Focus on their good points.  Tell them how important they are to you.  Tell them some of the things you especially love about them.  Be specific!   Another important thing you can do is to purposely avoid being around the person who tempts you.  And if you must be in their presence, mention  little things about your partner that show how important they are to you and how much you love them.  And no matter how tempting it may be, DO NOT FLIRT!!  Something that may seem innocent can be the catalyst that puts you in danger of losing your partner.  Avoiding temptation is so much easier than trying to clean up after a train wreck!  And pray for strength to avoid situations that will lead you into trouble.
914199
Wow,  see a councilor or you pastor.  If anything happened to your husband you would never forgive yourself.  You owe it to your marriage and each other to stay faithful.  Stay away from bars and build a network of female friends.  Scrapbook, learn a new craft or find a job to keep you connected with other people.  Break off the affair immediately and keep your self respect.
21348
If your husband kissed another woman what would you think.  You have already cheated yourself since you got to that point.  Now is the time to feel guilty.
654803
When you are married and are having sex with someone else. Otherwise it is all just wishful thinking. \n\nDepends what you want....a fling or another relationship. If it is a fling enjoy it for want it is but don't expect it to last forever. Do you want to get caught? If so, it is better to tell your spouse and not get caught in the act. Believe it or not, infidelity also has ethics. Use a condon always. No calling home at night. Make your lies believeable. Do not let the 2nd relationship interfere with the 1st one. You have to give equal sex or as much to satisfy each one. And lastly, ask yourself why this happened- maybe it is time to end the marriage.\n\nIf you are the third in the triangle. Don't expect much, most people do not leave their spouse. Enjoy it for what it is and be discreet and generous. Realize that you are also to blame since you should not be involved with a married person so this says A LOT about your morals also. Also, ask yourself if you in turn will be capable of being faithful in a monogamous relationship. \n\nIf you are being cheated on. You can either get out or try to work it out with your spouse if they are willing to do so. Can you live wondering when it is going to happen again if ever? Do you want to try it? The door has being opened so you could. And finally,.....how did you contribute to this? Did you see it coming? Honestly. Did you enable it?\n\nUnfortunately nobody is innocent in this situation. It's more like a 33.33% assigned blame for everyone.
68260
The general rule of thumb is that when a relationship breaks up, it takes half the amount of the duration of the relationship to get over it. IOW, if it was a 10-year relationship, it can take up to 5 years to get over it.\n\nAs far as infidelity goes, it depends upon whether you are planning to continue in the relationship or not and whether or not your husband is willing to participate in healing the marriage.\n\nSome good resources for recovery from infidelity and rebuilding the marriage are:\n\nhttp://www.marriagebuilders.com/\n\nhttp://www.divorcebusting.com/\n\nA good book for recovering from an ended relationship is Letting Go by Tracy Cabot and Zev Wanderer. Following the steps in the book reduces your recovery time to 12 weeks. i used this during my divorce, and it really helped.\n\nBeing on the receiving end of the betrayal of adultery is the worst pain i've ever felt in my life, so i know how you are feeling. An excellent description from another betrayed spouse is that it feels like someone took a floor sander to your chest. :(\n\nThough i divorced my 1st husband, that was such a horrible experience that when my 2nd husband also ended up cheating on me, i chose to try to save the marriage instead.\n\ni am now 4+ years out from D-day (Discovery Day), and doing much better. It is no longer a daily pain. Even when i purposely focus on it (as in cases like this), it doesn't have the power to hurt me anymore.\n\nYou can recover and feel good again. It will take some time, but actively pursuing recovery will enable you to feel better sooner.
277215
I would dump his sorry a$$. Once you know he is married, you are willingly contributing to his wifes heartache when she finds out (and trust me, she will find out).\nHow would you feel if you were married and your husband cheated with someone who knew he was married?\nLet's pretend he is going to leave his wife for you (which he will not), you will become the person he cheats on.
818888
I agree, it's very crazy that so many men cheat when their wives are pregnant. If they didn't want us in that condition, they should have kept a wrapper on it. \n\nSeek counseling. Passive aggressive behavior can be a real problem for some people, and in extreme cases, they turn violent during their "aggressive" phases. You don't ever want things to go that far where he might take out his insecurities on you, your son, or your new baby. In addition, his infidelity isn't something you are going to get over easily. It will take a long time, and a lot of work on his part, to re-build what he so carelessly threw away. A professional can help you both work through these issues, whether it's a clergy member, a psychiatrist, a licensed therapist, or whatever you choose. It doesn't really matter as long as you both are open and honest, the person can help you to find a way to get back what you two are missing.
204744
Tried the swinger thing...husband ended up falling in love and going from fun to affair...on the flip side he loves me again but i can't forgive him for falling out of love with me.  And i've found someone else.
624402
I have been almost in the same predicument as you, but my husband cheated on me first after 18 years of marriage. We have two children and not only did this effect me, it also had a great impact on the children as well. I did kick him out of the house and after a couple of weeks he realized that he wanted me back and to have life back to normal. Well that does not happen over night. The trust was gone, I was insecure with my self and felt that things could never be the same again. We remained living in the same house, seperate rooms, and trying to mend what happened, then he got into a bad accident as well. The accident was so bad that after leaving the hospital after 6 weeks, I had to nurture and nurse him everyday for the next year. After a complete year of this I cheated on him. I believe that I did this to fullfill the hurt,anxiety,and the insecurity I had about my self. He found out the same way by tapping the phone of reason's of suspition and confronted me. I did tell him the truth about everything. At that time I also said to him "How does it feel to have it happen to you, now we are even". Well set aside Love does hurt, and we all can be cruel either mentally or physically. We react weird to these typs of circumstances. But happy to say it has now been 7 years after this has all happened, and our love never died, it took a great deal of time for the trust factor to regain itself. I'm not saying that the trust will fully every be regained, but as your relationship heals and your thoughts and feeling are open and honest with each other this is a start. Marriage to me now is more important than I ever realized, I want to grow old together. Everyone is differant but place value on your love and family, and take baby steps. If all else fells and things can't be reconciled then be good friends for your children and yourselves. Good Luck. Good things take time.
241979
I'm sorry you had to go through this, I know how much it hurts when your spouse cheats on you.  I wish I could say you could trust him and that everything will be fine but the truth is he crossed a line and now that line really doesn't exist for him.  I'm sure he regrets hurting you but I doubt if he really regrets that he was with this other woman.  I tried to forgive my ex when she cheated and believe her when she said she wanted to work it out but ultimately she did it again and I realized I could never trust her again.  Trust is one of the basic foundations in a marriage and once it is gone it isn't easily repaired.  I think you need to decide what is right for you and if you don't believe you can honestly trust him again then divorce is your only option.
330618
You have every reason to feel hurt. The question you have to ask yourself is... do you really think that you can get over the past. Do you really think that he has put the past behind him? If you answer no to either one of these questions, then no, you will never be able to trust your husband again. I've been in your place and stayed with my husband for 10 more years, in the end, I cheated on him numerous times because I couldn't get over the fact that I believed he had cheated on me. A night while laying next to him in bed, I would have images of him with her... Or when he would touch me in a way that should be considered loving, I would wonder if he touched her in the same way. It is hard to get over the thought of someone you love, cheating on you and you end up building a wall between you.  Sit down and talk to your husband, calmly. Let him know what you found, and that it wasn't because you were snooping. You have to get your feelings out on the table and see how he responds to it, then together decide if you are able to rebuild the trust that was broken.
89483
I am a female whose husband had an emotional affair.\nOne tiny white lie will lead to a road of destruction.\nI am currently trying to forgive him, but its not working so well. Any and all cheating is unforgettable. The true trust will be gone forever.
62350
Well, has he ever said he didn't love you when he cheated?? People can love someone and still cheat on them. However, just because you don't trust him, doesn't mean he is cheating. Trust is something that people have to earn, and once that trust is broken it can take years to regain, if you ever do. My concentration would be on letting go of the past. You can't battle the present if you are still fighting with the past. You have to accept that in the past he cheated, and that you chose to stay with him. This means you have to give him a fresh start. This will not be easy to do, but remember, if he is getting falsely accused or reminded of his past that eventually the past will repeat it's self. This ia a time of rediscovering the love you have for eachother, and getting to know eachother better. He also needs to be doing everything he can to make you feel secure in your marriage and in his devotion to you. If he is doing certain things that r making you feel as he is cheating, it is best to tell him that these things are bothering you. If he continues with them anyway, then you might have to look at the situation a little more closely to be sure that he is not straying on you. But, don't let jealousy and self insecurity alone ruin your marriage. Yes, I agree that alot of women have an intuition about these sort of things, but, on the other hand, sometimes it is just a jealous heart looking for something that isn't there. And, when the latter of these two is happening, perfectly good relationships end. Talk to your husband, find closure for the past, and start new. Find out what each of you want and need from the relationship on every level and enjoy loving eachother. My heart goes out to you, I know you are not in an easy situation, and you have alot of hard work ahead of you. But, if you can rediscover the love and passion that once filled your marriage it will all be worth it. Good Luck tou you.