does anyone have a funny holiday story?
829870
No sorry all my stories are just sad.
966397
My boyfriend... spending Christmas just the two of us this year. no family. just us. sweet.... Guess the turkey won't be the only thing getting well and truly stuffed this Christmas! He he! \n(My boyfriend is like Santa... he can come up my chimney anytime! ...and he knows if i've been bad or good....)
591813
By far, best blonde joke I think I've ever heard. (it is long)\n\nCertain words have been changed to protect the censors.\n\nOkay so it's Dec. 24th and a postman is starting his walking route. He comes to the the first house and opens the mailbox and there is a envelope inside that says "mailman" on it. He opens it, it's a $10 bill with a note that says have a nice Christmas. He proceeds to the next house and there is a card that says "mailman" which he opens to reveal $20. He thinks to himself, "Wow, this is going to be a good day!" He comes to the third house and there is a note: Mailman, knock on the door for your Christmas present. He knocks and the door swings open to reveal a beautiful naked blonde woman. She grabs him, pulls him inside and well... anyway, the censors are watching, but you get the Idea.\n\nAs he is putting his clothes back on the blonde woman disappears for a minute into the kitchen and brings back a tray with a huge breakfast on it. Biscuits, gray, bacon, eggs, the works. He's like WOW, thanks and proceeds to eat it. \n\nHe glances at his watch and says, thank you, but I have to get going. As he is moving to the door the blonde hands him a dollar and says Merry Christmas. He's looks at the dollar and then at her and says no thanks, 'maam, you've done enough! She says, oh no, you have to take it, it's my husbands idea. The mailman pauses, "You husbands Idea?" "Yeah," she says, "Last night I asked him if I should do anything for the mailman for Christmas and he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar,' breakfast was MY IDEA!"
25086
i dunno....i liked this one...Its Christmas eve.  There was 3 car accident...3 men died...they all meet St. peter at the pearly gates to heaven....St. peter said you have to show me something that will represent christmas before i can let you in today...So the first guy looks and looks in all his pockets ...finds his lighter and lights it...there its a candle he says....St. Peter says thank you you may enter..and looks towards the next man...So the second guy has been lookin and finds his keys...jingles them and says there these are jingle bells...St. Peter says you may enter...The last guy has a worried look on his face while he searches and searches then he pulls out some womens panties...and says there are CARROLL's  lol (get it...christmas carols)
1105406
Okay, this one isn't all that funny, but it made my grandpa laugh:\n\nSo, the wife says to her husband "Dearest, since you're out of work, we've been a bit strapped financially. I think we need to go on a budget." And the husband says "Why?" The wife answers "Well, you spent fifty dollars on beer last week." To this the husband replies "That's funny. You spent fifty dollars on Avon last week." The wife comes back "Well, I need that stuff so that I can look and smell nice for you." The husband retorts, "Yeah, well after I drank that beer, you sure did look nice."
648365
My boyfriend's town plays Christmas music on one street all year round. The street lights and fire hydrants are painted and shaped like candy canes, there is a giant fiberglass Santa (50ft or so) in the middle of down town, every shop in town has a Christmas tree up 365 days a year, and there is a reindeer pen right next to Santa's house and workshop (I kid you not). \nI live 15 miles north of this madness, thank goodness!
779800
You just hold your taters, I'm going to tell you a story that happened a few years ago.\nIt was Thanksgiving Day and we had been cooking dinner for days, pies, rolls, etc.  We had invited a whole lot of people, but we wern't sure if Matt would be back in time or not, you see, he was out chasing down the Dalton Gang, cause they robbed another bank in a nearby town.\nAny hows, as we were sitting down to eat, Matt walks in with a smile on his face and Fetus pops up with, "Well, look who actually stopped working long enough to have a meal."\nNow Miss Sunshine was dying to sit next to Matt, cause she had a crush on him that wouldn't quit, you know there are some things that just can't be explained.\nAny way, Matt walks over and smiles at Miss Sunshine and then proceeds to go over and sit down next to Miss Kitty.\nMiss Sunshine realized then that it was just another day..another heartache and the sun'll come out, tomorrow, even tho it proved that her darling Matt still preferred Miss Kitty, and Sunshine would go home and dream about her beloved Matt, cause no one can take her dreams away from her.
424360
A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.\nPlaying with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't\nhave a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"\nGrandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit\nin my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."\nGrandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.\nShe started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem. The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood Grandma's minister.\nThe minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"\nThe little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."\nThe minister fainted.
78354
I have alot!!\n\nThis guy was painting a tall buliding next to a church. He droped the brush, said "son of a b***h", climbed down the ladder, got the brush, then climbed back up and continued painting. This happened a few more times and everytime he said "son of a b***h". Finally the preacher came out and said "next time you drop the brush say praise the lord". So he dropped the brush, said "praise the lord", the brush floated back up to him and the preacher said 'son of a b***h"\n\n\nWhy is halloween Micheal Jackson's favorite holiday?\nFree Delivery\n\n\nA Cowboy walking into a bar and ordered a coke. He took a drink and said "this tastes funny". So the bartender got him a new one. And he said "thats better" then the bartender said\n"Me Indian, Me play joke, Me go pee-pee in your coke"\nThen the cowboy said "Me cowboy, Me run fast, Me shoot bullet up your A$$"\n\nThis next one I heard on a stand-up comedy show...\n"Drinking and Driving is fun. But getting in a wreak isn't. I was with my friends driving and we hit something. I don't know what it was, but when I woke up I was in a tree, the car was upside down in a ditch and there was a cop there"\n\nCop-Who was driving?\nMan-It wasn't me cause that's not my parking, I park on the tires.\n\nCop-I am trying to figure out who was driving.\nMan-I'm trying to figure out how I got in this tree.\n\nCop-Have you been drinking and driving.\nMan-No, I was f***ed up before I got in the car.\n\nCop-The way you are acting I think I need to give you a drug test.'\nMan- Go ahead, ask me anything. I have been doing drugs for years.\nCop-Do you have a drug problem?\nMan-No, I have planty of weed at home.\n\n\nThis one is fun to do to your friends...lol\nPerson 1- Did you blow bubbles as a kid?\nPerson 2-Yes\nPerson 1-Well, he's back in town and wants you number.\nBoth- lol lmao
528931
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you".\n\nHe nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you. " Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.\n\n"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.\n\n"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you. "The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"\n\n"Moses," Replied the bird.\n\n"Moses" the burglar laughed.\n\n"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"\n\nThe bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!
801874
One fun thing we used to do at our Christmas parties is put the number of people present into a hat and say you are drawing for the order of gifts to be presented and opened. Then, once every one has their number....announce that the people who drew 1 - 12 have to sing "The twelve days of Christmas". It was always so funny, especially when someone real up beat got the "Five golden rings" part.\n\nHope you give it a try. Merry Christmas!
427131
Lol...\nThat was real funny...thanks, I need that.
869183
The Christmas that I remember as one of the best is last year. \nMy family had just simply stopped having Christmas together. \nBoth of our parents are gone on to a better world than this one \nand left us at young ages. After our mother passed in 1992 we \ndriffted away from each other but last year my neice decided that \nenough was enough and told our family that it was time to act \nlike we are a family and would not take no for an answer. I am \nglad that she was so determined. We had a great time and we \nare close to each other again. We will have a blast this year!
107870
Yes, someone knows one or more funny jokes.  http://answers.yahoo.com/dir/;_ylt=ArnzjuRlqSbxSa5yiGyF8SL4y6IX?link=list&sid=396546041
660189
I am not sure if you are looking for a story of kindness...if that is what you mean. \nBut if it is first of all let me say I am sure that sometime in your life someone has shown your kindness or you have witnessed an act of kindness. It is always better if you write from your heart not someone elses. \n\nHowever I will share this story with you just because I am quick to tell people how kindness has touched me.\n\nAbout four or five years ago I was going through a very hard time. It was December and I wasnt even sure how I was going to pay my bills much less buy Christmas presents for my daughter etc.\nWe live in a Northern state so it was cold. I did not have a car. Every morning I would bundle the baby up tight as can be in blankets etc stick her in the stroller and we would walk a mile to her daycare. Sometimes it was below zero but I always made sure she stayed warm.\nOne morning during our walk we had a lady pull over and get out of her car. She said to me that she sees us walking every morning and has been praying for us at her church. I said thank you. Then she said us at the church just want you to have this and she handed me an envelope. I dropped my daughter off and opened the envelope and there was over $100 in there. From strangers.\nThat same year God really must have been watching over me because the daycare donated a bunch of presents to us. \nAlso I got a letter on the stroller one day with two bags full of groceries. In the letter it said that they wanted to remain anonymous but to give a list of things we needed to this lady that we know and that they would make sure we got those things. I never did provide the list. I hope the person doesnt think I didnt appreciate it because I did...and still do. But I didnt want to depend on other people. Their kindness touched me so much that even now all these years later I am crying sharing the story.
322908
i think this one is funny:\nA little Mexican boy goes into the kitchen where his mom is\nbaking. He puts his hand in the flour and wipes it all over\nhis face. "Mom, look, I'm a white boy."\n\nHis mom slaps him in the face and says "Go show your\nfather".\n\nHe goes to his dad in the living room and says "Look dad,\nI'm a white boy."\n\nHis dad slaps him hard in the face and says "Go show your\ngrandmother."\n\nThe boy goes in his grandmothers room and says "Mira,\nabuelita, I'm a white boy " His grandmother slaps him in\nthe face and sends him back to his mother.\n\nHis mother says "See. Did you learn anything from that?"\n\nTo which the boy replies, "Sure did. I have only been white\nfor five minutes and I already hate you Mexicans."
612009
I laughed out loud when I read this one. Thanks!! I've had\na really crappy day. And, sure, why not. Look at the one\nwe've got!