how can i have a better relationship with my dad if he was once abusive?
819405
My dad used to be an abusive alcohol....It was a very painful childhood growing up with all the verbal and mental abuse.....When I turned 22, he completely changed, became a Christian and quit drinking, cold turkey....It took time to heal our relationship, but now I LOVE MY DAD and he really is the best dad anyone could ever want.....We are very close and has been a lot of healing from the past.....He never really apologized, but with his radical change in behavior, I didn't need an apology because actions speak louder than words.....We never talk about the past, because I have forgiven him and I know he is a different person and I choose to let the past go, I can't change it, but only learn from it.....Just be patient and all things will come together.....Best of luck and what a wonderful gift  you have, the opportunity for healing your relationship with your dad, most people never get that chance....
42533
I would talk to him and see if he is willing to go to counselling and try to work out this issue, try and see if the relationship can be salvaged , don't give too easily( unless he is abusing you, then get out of there, NOW) but if he's just a jerk then let him know how you feel and as i suggested  counselling and if this doesn't work then you really need to make a decision becuase you don't want to be unhappy and you don't want to teach your kids that it's ok be in this type of relationship, at least if you seek help to salvage the relationship and you honestly tried to make it work and it didn't , you can walk away from it and you can say to yourself that you honestly tried to make it work and you won't have any regrets.
864051
Dear Jessica,\nI'm sorry.  \n\nPray about the broken relationship and be patient with your dad.\nFor the time being just send holiday cards or Thinking About You cards and don't expect anything for the time being.\n\nWhen something your son does reminds you of your dad, write a note and tell him about it.  Send a picture.  Be genuine.  Love him.\n\nAbove all draw near to your heavenly Father who loves you, your husband, your son and your dad.
839273
call someone and tell tehm. believe me i went thru that for 16 years. you need help. i learned that i did not have to accept my father hitting us and everything else. there are lots of people that will help. what we finally did was we told a preacher at a church and he had the police come to the church and talk to us then the cops never made us go back again.
64596
WEll first off your granfather is prabably just being protective, I would know my dad is like that. Anyways just plain straight out tell him. Write him a letter e-mail,anything. If you do do that make sure to have some good reasons and keep poping up the question why can't you just let me be with him? make him understand you truely love this guy.
187709
Time heals. I was in a similar situation some years ago, and when I eventually spoke to someone else who had spoken to him 'near the end' I found out that a Father's love did not seek to judge me - just wanted me to have a good life after he had gone. He was of the opinion that we all have to go sometime and family guilt achieved nothing but took a lot away. Let the guilt lift as time goes by. I feel sure He would have wanted you to.\n\nHave a nice life.
340895
It is a terrible thing being abused by a parent.  You can deal with it andthough you think you have toughed it out, you still should get some professional help.\nYou just need to remember, that none of it for any reason was your fault.  You need to know that the abuser had issues and unfortunetly didnot deal with them except for lashingout at you.  Maybe as a child growing up, this parent was brought up in an abusive home.  Only she and possibly you will ever really know that but the deal is to forgive that abuser, and forgive yourself for there was nothing you did wrong and nothing you could have done to prevent it.  I am so happy you are out of that situation and would really like you to join a support group, or seek professional thereapy with a specialist because many times the cycle of abuse passes from one generation to the next, and many times, we don't realize this until it's too late.  These people help get inside of your head and really get to the core, and that does go a long way to being able to cope with it and not pass it on into your generation.\n  confronting the abuser is usually done at a certain point of the therapy and I would suggest not doing it until then.  It is very probable that you still have contact with this person and this person may still have an abusive nature, such as that which will come out more as verbal, emotional abuse as you are older now.\n  Please get someone to help you deal with it...they are trained and although you say you have pretty much dealt with it, you really haven't and you need to.............\n  Good luck and I am so sorry for what your parent did to you.  You were helpless and felt so unloved and so wrong all of the time, and believe me, this is not lawful and it is certainly not fair.  Good luck and stay tough.............
1123607
The things that have happened to you are terrible and of course it is abuse.  You really need a trusted adult to help you.  The fact that you were able to post on here means that you are ready to get the help you need.  I'm a licensed psychiatric social worker and I came from a really crappy upbringing too.  My dad was physically abusive and my mom was pretty depressed and didn't stop him.  I managed to get past the abuse and lead a productive life but even today, I remember the abuse and have to deal with the feelings surrounding it.  You are too young and your life is too precious to be lost in the cycle of child abuse.  The sooner you get help the more likely you are to move on successfully with your life.  You don't need your parents permission to seek counseling.  School counselors are an option.  I recognize that trusting adults right now is probably difficult and I'm sure you still love your parents to some extent.  What you need to understand is that if your parents are abusing or neglecting you, they are sick too and need help.  Right now you need to realize that you are worth saving and not all adults are bad.  Your life can and WILL get better.  I don't know where you live and what resources are available there but I would be happy to help you in anyway I can.  Please feel free to email me if you need more help or someone to talk to.  My email is jazzy_59602@yahoo.com.  Please stay safe and reach out to someone.
679790
i would go and visit him because he was my dad, not to just get something from him. if you sincerely want to meet him, then do so. after that, things will probably work out for the good of both of you.
1102008
Sounds like your dad has issues for real.But there is nothing you can really do except accept that he is the parent and you are the child.Sometimes parents really mess up.But you can sit him down and talk to him about how it makes you feel.Maybe his love for you will make the difference.If not make him stop,maybe at least make him take it in another room so you won't be exposed.
1180932
Given that you were sexually abused it is not surprising you had a sexual relationship with your father.  When sexual abuse happens a person's sense of themselves, esteem, their understanding of healthy boundaries are completely screwed up.  This is why THERAPY is SO important.  You cannot blame yourself for what happened with your father.  Your need to want to do anything to keep him comes as a product of your earlier abuse.  The line between appropriate and inappropriate - and being able to say NO - got lost when it happened to you earlier.  Generally people who go on for years without help will find themselves in positions where they are taken advantage of (and allow that to happen - because they don't realize it at the time) and until you get the help - this will continue to happen.  \n\nShame is a huge piece of this.  Your father is an adult too and he should have known better (if not more) than to have sex with his own daughter.  You cannot blame yourself. It sounds like you need to do a lot of forgiving of yourself.  Please go and get some help - if you don't you will continue to live in this cycle of pain and shame and only you will be to blame.  What happened to you was awful - but you are an adult now and have the means to get the help you couldn't when you were younger.  There are many support groups that are free, and counselling offered - talk to friends - your doctor - look in the phone book and call up different places.  Ask lots of questions. In the meantime you can't change what happened with your father - you made a mistake - but YOU are NOT a mistake.  Stop being hard on yourself.  The past is the past - try and put it there for a while and go and focus on your own healing.  Most of all try and have compassion for yourself.  We all have our scars and things to heal - you are not alone.
902552
First of all, know your boundaries with his dad in relationship to discipline his son. Then, try to find a common ground with the child, something that eliminates you as a threat.Because right now, he looks at you as the person who is taking away his daddy from him. Once he realizes you aren't the enemy, he will warm up to you and listen to you. Also suggest to daddy that he have a talk with him on respect, and that you're not going to hurt him.
162069
I'm sorry to hear that you're going through such a hard time.  I am also estranged from an abusive father, and I dont know how I would feel if he died.  I think about this all the time.  Perhaps the issue is that you never got a chance to resolve your situation with him.  Perhaps you're still waiting to hear him say 'I'm sorry'.  Or, more likely, you're not necessarily mourning for him, but for the father you never had and truly deserved.  I mourn for this all the time.
423222
Unfortunately when parents don't get along it is the kid who suffers.  They often refuse to tell you the whole story, and when you combine that with the fact that you only remember certain parts of your childhood there is simply no true answer.  The best thing you can do is talk to your dad and tell him that regardless of the past this is the present and you will always try to talk to and respect him, but he also needs to respect you and not put down your mom around you.
543728
WELL IF HE WAS ABUSE AS A CHILD THEN ITS SAD TO SAY THAT IS WHAT HE KNOWS BUT DONT KNOW WHY. GET HELP SHOW HIM THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO STICK BY HIM BUT HE HAS TO GET HELP IF HE DONT WANT HELP THEN DONT STRESS LEAVE HIM BE BECAUSE WHY SHOULD YOU BE UNHAPPY CAUSE ONE PERSON DONT WANT HELP EVEN THE BIBLE SAYS SO GOD WILL HELP THOSE WHO HELP THEM SELF SO NO NEED TO TRY AND PUSH HIM TO DOING SOMETHING HE DONT WANT MOVE ON AND BE HAPPY I WISH YOU LUCK
479571
I think that is awesome that you are so forgiving, and excited to see your dad.. It's really amazing how your daughter was born on his birthday to.. I think that sometimes fate has a way of making things work out..You should just be very open and honest with your dad.. Tell him all the things that you have thought about over the years, and how much you have missed having him in your life.. Be receptive to what he has to say.. I hope that he involves himself with you and his new granddaughter from now on too.. I kinda know the feelings you have.. My dad passed away when I was eight. I don't remember him, and God knows how much I needed him there.. it's like you are always looking for something to replace that bond with.. \nI hope everything works out just as you hope it will!
425017
you need to sit back down with daddy and let him know that although you may have put yourself in the relationship.. no one has the right to hit another. people always have the option to walk away.  tell daddy that even he has made mistakes in his life.. so it is unfair to judge you so harshly.  now you have to be more careful in choosing someone.. and you also have to make sure the ex.. is not around watching you.  you must stay safe. most importantly.. it is not your fault. now if you seek out the same type of man..again.. then i might blame you.  smile. look for the warning signs.. a man who wants to separate you from your family and friends.. a man who wants total control.. a man who is too  good to be true.  a man who calls you constantly and is jealous over everyone you come in contact with. a man who wants to question everything you have done in life. and remember there is mental .. physical and verbal abuse.  do not take it from anyone.  good luck