What's the best joke you've ever heard?
611995
- There was a bus full of ugly people. The bus crashed and all the people died and went to heaven. The man at the gates said "I feel so sorry for you because you're ugly, I'll grant you one wish before you go in". The first person said "I wish I could be beautiful" The second person said "I wish I could be beautiful" The guy at the back was cracking up so hard, he was rolling on the floor laughing. They finally got to the last guy and the man said "What's so funny? Never mind, what's your wish?" and the guy said "I wish they were all ugly again"\n\n- Three guys were in a car on Christmas. The car crashed, the three men died and went to heaven. The man at the gates said "Since it's Christmas, you all have to give me something related to Christmas before you go in" The first guy took out his keys, jingled them and said "They represent christmas bells" The second guy took out his lighter and said "It represents Christmas light and warmth" The third guy looked through his jacket and pulled out a pair of women's underwear. He said "Ummm..... They're Carol's"
452212
What has the world come to? People don't seem to make good clean jokes any more (keyword: good)! Sheesh...\n\nHere's one:\n\nA pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly 6 months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. \n\nThe doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." \n\nThe woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" \n\nExpecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" \n\n"Denise," the doctor says. \n\nThe new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" \n\nThen she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" \n\nThe doctor replies, "DeNephew" \n\n:o)
977574
LOVED the joke.  Haven't heard (or read) such a funny joke is ages!!!
872517
funny. thank you, i just heard the worst three jokes of my life but you saved me from sorrow. I appreciate it lol.
727147
I love reading his jokes they are some of the best I've ever heard
486366
Muahhahhhahhahahahahahah!  That's a good one.\n\nI guess some of you don't realize this is a joke?
993810
Look, these are not just jokes, but oh well.\n\nWhat goes up and never comes down?\nYour age. \n\nKnock, Knock... \n- Knock, knock.\n- Who's there?\n- Arthur.\n- Arthur who?\n- Arthur any better jokes than this?\n\nWhy can't centipedes play soccor?\nBy the time the put on a shield for their last leg, the game is over\n\nKnock knock.\nWho's there?\nYa.\nYa who?\nWhat are you so excited about?\n\n1. What is the easiest way to throw a ball, have it stop, and completely reverse direction after traveling a short distance? \n2. What is at the beginning of eternity, the end of time, the beginning of every end, and the end of every place? \n3. When things go wrong, what can you always count on? \n4. What is always behind you but you can never touch it? \n5. I am never the first to speak but I am always the last to be heard. Who am I? \n6. We were born of the same mother, on the same day, at the same hour and in the same year. Yet we are not twins. How do you explain this? \n7. Two fathers and two sons were seated round a table. There were four apples on the table. Each of them took one apple and ate it entirely yet there was still one apple left on the table. How was this possible? \n8. Before Mount Everest was discovered which was the highest mountain in the world? \n9. Here everything is not always in order. For example, Friday comes before Thursday, the cart comes before the horse, the driver comes before the employer. Where are we? \n10. When I am alive I stay put where I am. It is only when I am dead that I move about here and there. Who am I? \n11. How can you be behind a person when that person is also behind you? \n\nAnswers below.\n1. Throw the ball straight up \n2. 'e' \n3. Your fingers \n4. The past \n5. An echo. \n6. They are triplets. \n7. There were only three persons at the table comprising a grandfather, his son and his grandson. \n8. Mount Everest, of course. It was always there! \n9. In a dictionary. \n10. A leaf. \n11. Put yourself back to back of each other. \n\n1. There are six eggs in the basket. Six people each take one egg. How can it be that one egg is left in the basket?\n\n2. Acting on an anonymous phone call, the police raid a house to arrest a suspected MURDERER. They don't know what he looks like, but they know HIS name in John. Inside they find a carpenter, a lorry driver, a car mechanic, and a fireman all playing cards. Without even asking his name, they arrested the fireman. How do they know they've got their man?\n\n3. Three of the glasses are filled with orange juice; the other three are empty. By moving only ONE glass, can you arrange them so the full and empty glass alternate?\n\n4. There was once a recluse who never left his home. The only time anyone ever visited him was when the food and supplies were delivered, but they NEVER came inside. Then, one stormy winter night when an icy gale was blowing, he had a nervous breakdown. He went upstairs, turned off all the lights and went to bed. Next morning, he had caused deaths of several hundred people. HOW?\n\n1. She takes the basket as well with the last egg still in it.\n\n2. He is the only man - all the others are woman.\n\n3. Take the second glass from the left, pour its contents into the fifth glass from the left then return it to it's original position.\n\n4. He is a lighthouse keeper.\n\n5.The mailman did it, because there is no mail on Sunday.\n\nTongue Twisters\nIf you understand, say "understand". If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand".How do I understand that you understand? Understand!\n\n\n\nI wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.\n\n\n\nSounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds. \n\n\n\nA sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.\n\n\n\nPurple Paper People, Purple
180673
101? I ONLY HAVE MY BEST 3 JOKES...HOPE IT DOESN'T OFFEND U\n\n1\n\nFresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.\n\nInstead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."\n\nWilling to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.\n\n"How long will this take?" she asks.\n\n"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.\n\nThe wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"\n\n"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"\n\nHe lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again..\n\n\n2\n\nMan driving down road.\nWoman driving up same road\nThey pass each other\nWoman yells out her window, "PIG!"\nMan yells out his window, "B.I.T.C.H!"\nMan rounds next curve\nCrashes into a huge pig in middle of road.\n\nThought For The Day : If only men would listen. \n\n\n3\n\nThe mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's \nhouse. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her \ndaughter-in-law standing naked by the door.\n\n"What are you doing?" she asked.\n\n"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the \ndaughter-in-law \nanswered.\n\n"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.\n\n"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.\n\n"Love dress? But you're naked!"\n\n"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it \nmakes me \nhappy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home \nfrom \nwork any minute."\n\nThe mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the \nway \nhome she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, \nshowered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally \nher \nhusband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.\n\n"What are you doing?" he asked.\n\n"This is my love dress" she replied.\n\n"Needs ironing." he said.\n\nHEHE>>HAVE FUN 2 YA GUYZ READING
876037
my favorite joke is \nThree boy walked into a Candy shop.\nThe first boy said can I have ten cents worth of licorice\nSo the clerk took out a ladder and reached to the highest shelf and brought out 5 pieces of licorice and the clerk put the ladder away\nThe second boy said can I have ten cents worth of licorice the clerk sighed and brought back out the ladder and reached to the highest shelf and gave him 5 pieces of licorice and put the ladder back up with another 5 pieces of licorice for the third boy\nThen it was time for the third boy to get candy so the clerk said let me guess ten cents worth of licorice too but the boy said no 20 cents worth of licorice \n My favorite song is \nLondon Bridge by Fergie
405891
BINGO!!!! it is definately the funniest one i have ever heard and not b/c its mine i swear. anyone wanna explanation? i wil give it if you want, its really funny.
949951
Very nice one one, I loved it......I am rolling on the fllor right now. I just called up my brither and told him the same joke.
834192
OMG .................. excellent and really well thought out ..... LOL\nThanks for sharing once again and hope you post more jokes
108947
I have two: I love the second one.\nJoke #1\nA blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"\n\nIn a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."\n\nOur bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"\n\nThe blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."\n-----------\n Joke #2\nTwo women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are\n comparing stories on how they died.\n\n 1st woman: I froze to death.\n\n 2nd woman: How horrible!\n\n 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the\n cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a\n peaceful death. What about you?\n\n 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected\n that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to\n catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by\n himself in the den watching TV.\n\n 1st woman: So what happened?\n\n 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there\n somewhere that I started running all over the house\n looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down\n into the basement. Then I went through every closet and\n checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had\n looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that\n I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!\n\n 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd\n both still be alive.
1043700
hehehe...i like your jokes, they are giving me a good laugh for today!
278914
That is literally the funniest joke I've ever heard.  Ever.  In fact, I don't even think it was so much the joke, as how well you told it.  You, my friend, are a comedic genius.
804133
its gotta be the best joke on here if we could give a best question i would give it to you???????????
1135780
OK - have seen a lot of jokes on here.  THIS ONE MADE ME LAUGH.  Thanks........