some jokes....please explain them to me...?
597582
1- The second nun thinks the first nuns means she came sexually from the bumping and shaking from the sobble stone\n\n2-??\n\n3- Helen talks with her hands so she is not "heard" when you can not see her hands\n\n4- It means Severus Snape has a small penis that does not stick out futher than his nose hence why he hurts his nose rather than is erection\n\n5- Silly honestly but that the ethnics do not see or understand the purpose of the dog and are throwing them in the air rather than getting the dog to fetch the shot ducks\n\n6-??\n\n7- The beeper would be lost in the rolls of fat and then then she could not feel the pager or hear it so needs someyhing huge .
645190
You could try Googling 'Funny Jokes' then choose a topic.\nThere are millions of jokes out in ether land.
591813
By far, best blonde joke I think I've ever heard. (it is long)\n\nCertain words have been changed to protect the censors.\n\nOkay so it's Dec. 24th and a postman is starting his walking route. He comes to the the first house and opens the mailbox and there is a envelope inside that says "mailman" on it. He opens it, it's a $10 bill with a note that says have a nice Christmas. He proceeds to the next house and there is a card that says "mailman" which he opens to reveal $20. He thinks to himself, "Wow, this is going to be a good day!" He comes to the third house and there is a note: Mailman, knock on the door for your Christmas present. He knocks and the door swings open to reveal a beautiful naked blonde woman. She grabs him, pulls him inside and well... anyway, the censors are watching, but you get the Idea.\n\nAs he is putting his clothes back on the blonde woman disappears for a minute into the kitchen and brings back a tray with a huge breakfast on it. Biscuits, gray, bacon, eggs, the works. He's like WOW, thanks and proceeds to eat it. \n\nHe glances at his watch and says, thank you, but I have to get going. As he is moving to the door the blonde hands him a dollar and says Merry Christmas. He's looks at the dollar and then at her and says no thanks, 'maam, you've done enough! She says, oh no, you have to take it, it's my husbands idea. The mailman pauses, "You husbands Idea?" "Yeah," she says, "Last night I asked him if I should do anything for the mailman for Christmas and he said, 'screw him, give him a dollar,' breakfast was MY IDEA!"
993810
Look, these are not just jokes, but oh well.\n\nWhat goes up and never comes down?\nYour age. \n\nKnock, Knock... \n- Knock, knock.\n- Who's there?\n- Arthur.\n- Arthur who?\n- Arthur any better jokes than this?\n\nWhy can't centipedes play soccor?\nBy the time the put on a shield for their last leg, the game is over\n\nKnock knock.\nWho's there?\nYa.\nYa who?\nWhat are you so excited about?\n\n1. What is the easiest way to throw a ball, have it stop, and completely reverse direction after traveling a short distance? \n2. What is at the beginning of eternity, the end of time, the beginning of every end, and the end of every place? \n3. When things go wrong, what can you always count on? \n4. What is always behind you but you can never touch it? \n5. I am never the first to speak but I am always the last to be heard. Who am I? \n6. We were born of the same mother, on the same day, at the same hour and in the same year. Yet we are not twins. How do you explain this? \n7. Two fathers and two sons were seated round a table. There were four apples on the table. Each of them took one apple and ate it entirely yet there was still one apple left on the table. How was this possible? \n8. Before Mount Everest was discovered which was the highest mountain in the world? \n9. Here everything is not always in order. For example, Friday comes before Thursday, the cart comes before the horse, the driver comes before the employer. Where are we? \n10. When I am alive I stay put where I am. It is only when I am dead that I move about here and there. Who am I? \n11. How can you be behind a person when that person is also behind you? \n\nAnswers below.\n1. Throw the ball straight up \n2. 'e' \n3. Your fingers \n4. The past \n5. An echo. \n6. They are triplets. \n7. There were only three persons at the table comprising a grandfather, his son and his grandson. \n8. Mount Everest, of course. It was always there! \n9. In a dictionary. \n10. A leaf. \n11. Put yourself back to back of each other. \n\n1. There are six eggs in the basket. Six people each take one egg. How can it be that one egg is left in the basket?\n\n2. Acting on an anonymous phone call, the police raid a house to arrest a suspected MURDERER. They don't know what he looks like, but they know HIS name in John. Inside they find a carpenter, a lorry driver, a car mechanic, and a fireman all playing cards. Without even asking his name, they arrested the fireman. How do they know they've got their man?\n\n3. Three of the glasses are filled with orange juice; the other three are empty. By moving only ONE glass, can you arrange them so the full and empty glass alternate?\n\n4. There was once a recluse who never left his home. The only time anyone ever visited him was when the food and supplies were delivered, but they NEVER came inside. Then, one stormy winter night when an icy gale was blowing, he had a nervous breakdown. He went upstairs, turned off all the lights and went to bed. Next morning, he had caused deaths of several hundred people. HOW?\n\n1. She takes the basket as well with the last egg still in it.\n\n2. He is the only man - all the others are woman.\n\n3. Take the second glass from the left, pour its contents into the fifth glass from the left then return it to it's original position.\n\n4. He is a lighthouse keeper.\n\n5.The mailman did it, because there is no mail on Sunday.\n\nTongue Twisters\nIf you understand, say "understand". If you don't understand, say "don't understand". But if you understand and say "don't understand".How do I understand that you understand? Understand!\n\n\n\nI wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.\n\n\n\nSounding by sound is a sound method of sounding sounds. \n\n\n\nA sailor went to sea to see, what he could see. And all he could see was sea, sea, sea.\n\n\n\nPurple Paper People, Purple
200897
I think they're funny.\n\nHere's one for you:\n\nThis guy goes into a bar after a promotion to celebrate with his buddies. After a few drinks he notices, behind the bar, a big jar stuffed with $50 bills, so he asks the bartender about it.\n\nThe bartender replies, "Oh that's just a running bet we have here. You gotta pay $50 into the pot & if you complete 3 tasks, you win the whole jar. As you can see, no one has ever won."\n\nAfter a few more beers & 2 shots of Tequila, the man announces in a slightly tipsy voice, "Screw it, I just got a raise. I can afford to lose $50!" & he slams a $50 on the bar. "OK. What do I gotta do?"\n\n"Well," says the bartender "like I said, there are 3 tasks. First you gotta finish a whole bottle of our homemade 200 proof Fire Water, after that you gotta help my pit bull tied up out back. He's got a sore tooth & you have to go pull it out for him. If you survive THAT, you have to go upstairs & persuade the lady upstairs to have sex with you. She's a virgin & she's 106 years old. Raping her is obviously out of the question."\n\n"Fair enough" said the half-drunk man. The alcohol coursing through his veins had emboldened him. "Gimme that Fire Water!" & lo & behold, he managed, to everyone's shock to finish the whole bottle without pause. \n\nBarely able to keep the contents of his stomach down, he was turned & nudged, by the astonished bartender in the direction of the back door, where the dog was tied up outside. The man stumbled drunkenly through the door & bravely slammed it closed behind him. A fierce barking, accompanied by breaking glass, garbage cans smashing, yelling & groaning erupted outside. After a minute or so of this racket, a loud dog yelp, followed by it's whining was heard.\n\nShortly afterwards, the man stumbled back through the door, his clothes torn, blood dripping from multiple bite wounds & looking like he'd been hit by a truck.\n\nThen demanded in a drunken slurred voice, "OK. NOW WHERE'S THAT OLD LADY WITH THE SORE TOOTH?!!"
872517
funny. thank you, i just heard the worst three jokes of my life but you saved me from sorrow. I appreciate it lol.
418857
very funny.... i don't get it.....
977574
LOVED the joke.  Haven't heard (or read) such a funny joke is ages!!!
695118
That's the best joke I've heard on this site in a LONG time!\n\nThanks for the laughs! Keep up the great work!!\n\n(Gotta remember this one for the folks at work!)
1004198
http://www.callcentrehelper.com/jokes.htm\nhttp://forum.indya.com/archive/index.php?t-398.html
180673
101? I ONLY HAVE MY BEST 3 JOKES...HOPE IT DOESN'T OFFEND U\n\n1\n\nFresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.\n\nInstead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."\n\nWilling to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.\n\n"How long will this take?" she asks.\n\n"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.\n\nThe wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"\n\n"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"\n\nHe lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again..\n\n\n2\n\nMan driving down road.\nWoman driving up same road\nThey pass each other\nWoman yells out her window, "PIG!"\nMan yells out his window, "B.I.T.C.H!"\nMan rounds next curve\nCrashes into a huge pig in middle of road.\n\nThought For The Day : If only men would listen. \n\n\n3\n\nThe mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's \nhouse. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her \ndaughter-in-law standing naked by the door.\n\n"What are you doing?" she asked.\n\n"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the \ndaughter-in-law \nanswered.\n\n"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.\n\n"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.\n\n"Love dress? But you're naked!"\n\n"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it \nmakes me \nhappy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home \nfrom \nwork any minute."\n\nThe mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the \nway \nhome she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, \nshowered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally \nher \nhusband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.\n\n"What are you doing?" he asked.\n\n"This is my love dress" she replied.\n\n"Needs ironing." he said.\n\nHEHE>>HAVE FUN 2 YA GUYZ READING
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One day Johnny walked into the classroom, and the teacher said, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He replied, 'no ma'am.' She said, 'if you don't have it done by tomorrow then I'm going to make a call to your parents.'\n\nAs Johnny is walking home from school he looks to his left and sees two greyhounds racing,and one gets so far ahead of the other one that it just stops and the other one rams its head right up its @??.\n\nJohnny takes out a piece of paper and writes it all down, saying to himself, 'This is going to be my report.'\n\nThe next day at school the teacher says, 'Johnny, do you have your report done?' He says, 'sure do.' So he goes up to the front of the class and starts telling them what he saw. 'Yesterday I was walking home from school when I saw these two greyhounds racing, and one rammed its head right up the other's @??.' The teacher says, 'Johnny, we don't use the word '@??' in the classroom, it's rectum.' Johnny said, 'Rectum? Hell, it damn near killed 'em.' (1st ref.)\n\nThe actual joke you're asking about doesn't exist: "The punchline to an infamous joke; the actual joke, however, is unknown and, therefore, only the punchline is used. It's enough." See second reference.
513456
just stic to YA/jokes and riddles....
557105
Some funny sex jokes.  They're awesome!!!
108947
I have two: I love the second one.\nJoke #1\nA blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"\n\nIn a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."\n\nOur bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"\n\nThe blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."\n-----------\n Joke #2\nTwo women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are\n comparing stories on how they died.\n\n 1st woman: I froze to death.\n\n 2nd woman: How horrible!\n\n 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the\n cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a\n peaceful death. What about you?\n\n 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected\n that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to\n catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by\n himself in the den watching TV.\n\n 1st woman: So what happened?\n\n 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there\n somewhere that I started running all over the house\n looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down\n into the basement. Then I went through every closet and\n checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had\n looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that\n I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!\n\n 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd\n both still be alive.
855289
These jokes are sooooooooooooooooo bad
258497
go to funnyjunk.com, or jokes.com