whats the funniest thing you have heard someone say in place of swearing?
602045
rat farts or for older people...lord love a duck
881819
hahahaa\nps:this means i  laughed very hard
1070951
Many commonly used swear words have deviated from their original meaning in the mind the of speaker.\n\nPeace!
185073
LAMO!\nThat was funny!\nHere are some more:\n\n\nThings You DON'T Want to Hear During Surgery\n\n\n\n"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."\n\n"Wait a minute. If this is his spleen, then what's that?"\n\n"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."\n\n"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."\n\n"Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"\n"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!"\n\n"Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off."\n\n"What's this doing here?"\n\n"I hate it when they're missing stuff in here."\n\n"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!"
776568
A PIECE OF *ASSS* SO GOOD IT BRINGS TEARS TO YOUR EYES \n\nA teacher asked her students to use the word \n"definitely" properly in a sentence. Lil Susie goes first \nand declares "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher \nreplies "It's cloudy, today Susie ... the sky is actually gray." Bobby goes next by saying \n"The grass is definitely green", to which the teacher corrects him "No, Bobby .... it's late autumn and the grass is actually brown." ...... \nThen Lil Johnny asks a question "Teacher, \nDo farts have lumps in them" ? ........ \nThe teacher gives Johnny a very stern look, \nand says in firm voice "No Johnny, they don't" ! ........ \nLil Johnny replies back "Then I DEFINITELY shitt my pants" ! \n\nLOL
78354
I have alot!!\n\nThis guy was painting a tall buliding next to a church. He droped the brush, said "son of a b***h", climbed down the ladder, got the brush, then climbed back up and continued painting. This happened a few more times and everytime he said "son of a b***h". Finally the preacher came out and said "next time you drop the brush say praise the lord". So he dropped the brush, said "praise the lord", the brush floated back up to him and the preacher said 'son of a b***h"\n\n\nWhy is halloween Micheal Jackson's favorite holiday?\nFree Delivery\n\n\nA Cowboy walking into a bar and ordered a coke. He took a drink and said "this tastes funny". So the bartender got him a new one. And he said "thats better" then the bartender said\n"Me Indian, Me play joke, Me go pee-pee in your coke"\nThen the cowboy said "Me cowboy, Me run fast, Me shoot bullet up your A$$"\n\nThis next one I heard on a stand-up comedy show...\n"Drinking and Driving is fun. But getting in a wreak isn't. I was with my friends driving and we hit something. I don't know what it was, but when I woke up I was in a tree, the car was upside down in a ditch and there was a cop there"\n\nCop-Who was driving?\nMan-It wasn't me cause that's not my parking, I park on the tires.\n\nCop-I am trying to figure out who was driving.\nMan-I'm trying to figure out how I got in this tree.\n\nCop-Have you been drinking and driving.\nMan-No, I was f***ed up before I got in the car.\n\nCop-The way you are acting I think I need to give you a drug test.'\nMan- Go ahead, ask me anything. I have been doing drugs for years.\nCop-Do you have a drug problem?\nMan-No, I have planty of weed at home.\n\n\nThis one is fun to do to your friends...lol\nPerson 1- Did you blow bubbles as a kid?\nPerson 2-Yes\nPerson 1-Well, he's back in town and wants you number.\nBoth- lol lmao
857160
That's hilarious! Where did u get that?LOL! =D\n(That's the best one I've heard all day!)ThanQ!
180629
ok this is mean but funny i had some broken glass from a wrecked car and i took the keys of a coworker and rolled down his window and put the glass in the window edge and all over his seat and then went in and told him that i saw some guy messing around by his car he ran out there and flipped out started cursing and screeming and right before he called the cops i rolled his window up and everyone started laughing needless to say he was pissed but later found it funny
701992
*laughing* that was hilarious
793949
WHAT THE CRAP ARE YOU SAYING!!!
1013575
OK those jokes are pretty good and i also have one here waiting for you\n\nWhat did the pirate say after someone asked why there was a steering wheel in his pants.\n\nhe says: Argghh its driving me nuts! hehe sorry its kinda dirty but it was good (to me it was good)
1013315
that is the funniest thing i think i ever heard
878084
I have done this before. Its so funny because the start of the conversation is quite grown up and sensible and then after a few glasses it just turns to filthy talk and silly voices!!
1091159
Whats worse than coming home with lipstick on your collar?\nLeg make-up on your ears.\n\n\nTwo roosters in a rainstorm....\nOne did a bolt for the shed...\n the other did a duck under the house!!\n\nA young man making love to a very large lady. She knew he was getting close and asked, "Did you take any precaution?"\n"Yes," he replied, "I've tied my feet to the end of the bed!"\n\nTwo ladies chatting over a cuppa.\n"Sad about your husband dying, but why have you been telling people he died of gonorrhea when it was diarrhoea?"\n"oh," said the other, "I just wanted people to remember him as a great lover, not the big shitter he really was!"\n\nA man wakes in the hospital after a nasty accident.\n"I have good news and I have bad news," said the doctor.\n"what's the bad news?" asked the patient.\n"well we've had to amputate both your feet,"  said the doctor.\n"hell," said the patient, "what's the good news?"\n"well," said the doctor, "the bloke next to you wants to buy your slippers!"\n\nThat's enough from me!! enjoy!!
485067
I heard it as two guys were walking along one day when they came to a picket fence.  Rather than go around it, they decided to jump over the fence.  One guy made it, the other didn't.  After they got him to the hospital, the first guy asks the doctor, "Where is he hurt, Doc?"\n\nThe doctor, without looking up from his medical chart, replies, "Rectum."\n\nThe guy responds, "Rectum? Damn near killed 'im!"\n\n\nThe punchline alone is funnier than the joke, because with the punchline, you get the toilet humor without having to think about it.  Sort of like the "er?  I hardly know 'er!" lines, like:\n\nPoker?  I hardly know 'er!\nButter?  I hardly know 'er!\nSucker?  I hardly know 'er!\netc.
243865
ha,ha yes quite a few times and coughed and farted!\n\nive gotta add this today at work one of the apprentices was helping me lift a vanity unit and it was very heavy and as he bent down he farted it was the loudest fart ive ever heard i couldnt stop laughing!!
1041204
I swear a lot, but lately my favorite one is "douche bag", if that counts. I also like the F word, a classic! lol\n\n** and justnanous, just because I curse a lot does NOT mean I am ignorant or have a small vocabulary! Swears are part of the English language, and in certain situations, f*ck is the most effective word to use to get your point across! Also, I have above average intellegience, but I don't want to sound stuck up or anything, so I think that just talking like a normal person, cuss words and all, helps you communicate and connect with a wider range of people!