How do you let go of fear and  negative things said by a parent and live your life without feeling bound?
612356
Just Pray to your God who ever you believe in Your mom just say these thing because she doesn't want to loose you. She needs you around just move it's that age your mom will miss you alot for the first few months but she will get over it. You are her baby the only one that she has now so she don't want to see you go so whatever she is saying to you she doesn't mean she loves you and need you but she knows deep in her heart that it's time to let you go and live your life. So don't worry just move and start your new life.
228722
You need to put your foot down.  You need to sit down with her one afternoon (not on sunday morning right before services) and explain to her how you feel.  And inform her, NOT ask, that you will not be attending services as much anymore.  If she has a problem with that, she can force you out from under "her roof".\n\nIts been my experiance that most parents do not have the kind of follow through skills to dump one of their kids onto the street because of theological differences.  You have to be willing to stand firm and call her bluff.\n\nGrounding only works as long as you let it.  When they ground you, don't listen. Grounding only works if YOU let it. What are they going to do, lock you in your room? Rufuse to feed you? Bar all your windows? They can't legally do any of that.  If they say no computer, sit down at it anyway, make them physically drag you off it (like I said, just stop listening or responding, make them physically pick you up while you sit there silently -- freaks them out). If they say no friends, just walk right out the front door (or out a window). You gotta do it like Ghandi, non violent (often silent) protest.  Because most parents are not going to have the balls to go through with kicking you out of the house, and most will just freak out for a while when they realize that you're just stubbornly refusing to play by their rules.\n\nThe best way to do it is to combine responsibility with irresponsibility.  Stand your ground on the church issue, but get good grades. Be a good kid, but really make them work if they're going to punish you. Eventually they will realize they are putting a lot of time and effort into punishing your when you're really not doing anything wrong. People don't like to do work they don't have to and they'll eventually just give up. When they treat you like a person and not a child, don't hesitate to share information about your life and emotions with them. You can retrain them.\n\nAdult/child power relationships are fundamentally unbalenced and part of becoming an adult is a movement towards 50/50.  So get going on that if this is the battle you want to fight.  Take some of their unilateral power away from them.  Have the courage, have the will, and make it happen.\n\nYour life it your own, and there is no point in living it in a way that you do not like, espcially over something so personal as religion.
970590
Oh I struggle with this constantly but for different reasons. My parents are addicts. There comes a time in life when you must concentarte on you. If those around you, particularily family have reached toxic levels where they are poisoning your own life, it's best to back off and distant yourself. I would not write them off entirely, I've thought about doing it myself, but it all comes back to they are family and we cannot choose our family and like them or not, through them we are here. I don't know how old you are, but if you are younger I would suggest possibly just distancing yourself and speaking up with the issues you disagree with and make certain they know that it hurts your feelings and do not entertain their ignorant remarks and actions by giving any other reaction other than telling them that at this point and time you do not agree with their opinions. If you are young, there could be possibly something else going on that they are actually concerned about that you aren't seeing just yet. However if it's purely based on race, I'd keep my feet planted in your beliefs and hopefully with time after you stay away from them for awhile they'll realize their love for you is stronger than their hate for another.  I wouldn't give your father any special treatment either, because he is encouraging everyone around him by not speaking up if he truly is aware of their issues and agrees with you. Sounds to me like your father may be ignorant as well, and only agrees with you in private for fear of losing his little girl. All you can do is stand strong in your beliefs, distance yourself from how involved with them you are, but I wouldn't write them out entirely. Now if they begin to do anything harmful that causes extreme physical or emotional grief then I would cut them off entirely. Hopefully with time though and your distance from each other they'll see that they were wrong and have second thoughts on their ideas and opinions, especially if the man you love becomes a true gem and treats you the way they always hoped a man you'd find would. Good luck though, racism is ugly and deeply rooted in those who are and often continues on in people out of their own fears. Just be thankful that somehow by the grace of God their ignorance didn't rub off on you as you were growing up, as if often sadly the case with those raised by parents with beliefs such as that. Enjoy the love you have found and ignore what they say. Find comfort with the one you love and through his family until and if yours ever comes around to their senses! God Bless you dear. Oh and pray for them because it sounds like they need it!!
909319
I'm in therapy and it's the best thing that ever happend to me (I had demons to face too.. and, like you, they were related to my parents - specifically my mother)\n\nYes, it's scary to dredge up all those old painful memories, and it WILL HURT a whole lot.\n\nBut, if you don't bring those demons out in a controlled way, they will come out in an uncontrolled way and that will cause you a whole lot of pain and misery.\n\nSo, you should listen to your minister, and get yourself some therapy! You won't regret it, and you're life will be a lot happier as a result!\n\nGood luck!
1029913
I feel ya. While on one hand, that's a good thing, it is hard when you have overprotective parents. Try talking to them. Don't whine, complain, or beg; just ask them what they need from you so that they can feel you are safe and you can have a chance to exercise your ability to make good choices on your own. They might surprise you with their willingness to listen to a mature discussion, and that alone may impress them with your maturity. Offer to call from wherever you are, or to carry a cell phone, and remember to make those calls. Parents need contact like fish need water. :)  Other than that, just be sure to make mature choices in your daily activities, choices that show your trustworthiness and responsibility (do your work at home and at school, keep up your personal appearance, enthusiastically seek ways to improve your education and future). \n\nRegards,\n~Tia~
892738
From living in a similar experience, I know that you need to break away from your mom, both physically and emotionally, but especially emotionally.\n\nWhat she did is legal if you were threatening her, abusing her, or doing anything that affected her physical or emotional well-being, so as you can guess a lot of actions can be part of that definition.\n\nI know this is harder to do than to say, but I'll say it anyway: Just start living your own life.\n\nWhat doesn't kill you only makes you stronger, I know from experiences that almost killed me.\n\nPray to God that He will show you the path you need to take to become happy and at peace with yourself.
1150048
I'm not a qualified therapist or any thing so I can only offer an opinion...\nI think that regardless of what anyone says you feel this way and you have to acknowledge it.  There is no such thing a a wrong feeling. We have feelings whether we want them or not. Ever like someone (or dislike someone) for no real reason?\nWe all have that "moral obligation" embedded in us but there is a point when you can not overlook your own health (mental, emotional and physical). You probably need to discuss these feelings with your mother. Sometimes the simplest answer is also the hardest.  I suggest that in a reasonable manner start a communication with you mother. It may take time but communication  can often work things out better than drawing ultimatums. Start slow and work into the heavy stuff. \nI get the feeling that if your mother had a job and could support herself (or help pay her own way) things would be easier for you. This might also be a starting point for her to regain her own independence. She is not a child and would likely prefer independence over being dependent.\nTalk. Open lines of communication. While you may feel an obligation to family, you are no good to them if you don't take care of yourself. Trust you instincts.
60854
When they ask you to do something, do it right away.\nMake sure you are having a good attitude about it.  When a thought come into your mind like, "that's not fair", or things like that, push them out of your head.  When you start thinking that way, it will just make you mad at your mom, and dad, and you will not want to obey.  \nAlso, try to think often about the good things that they do for you, that will help you with your attitude, and will help you be more thankful for things.\nAnother thing you can do is tell your mom and dad that you love them.  Give them hugs, and thank them for things.  This will help you to have a better relationship with them, and will make you want to obey them.
746360
ok.. first of all, u are AWESOME. seriously, u should really be proud of urself for turning such horrible negativity into something Positive, and not letting it ruin ur life! :) and i bet u don't hate ur mother, u just feel sad when u think of why she treats u that way.. wow, good for you. it is SO HARD to think that way, so EASY to be angry and hurt and HATE people for that kind of stuff.\n\nmy advice to you is to continue what u are doing, but also add a bit to it:\n\nWork on your Confidence and how to meet people. this is so u can create a NEW life and family for yourself.. whether it be friends, or a boyfriend, eventually husband and kids, ok? :) In my opinion, confidence can be "worked on" in 3 steps:\n\nAppearance: exercise. work out. take care of ur Body. take care of ur skin.  get a new, flattering hair cut, makeup, and clothes. the better u Look, the better impression u make on others. also, exercising can get stress out, and give u endorphins (happy chemicals). and lastly, the better u look, the better u FEEL about yourself!\n\nMind:  study.  read more, learn more. keep an open mind.  develop interests and hobbies. take some classes. excel at your job.  remember, if u start joining classes and activities, more likely u can meet some friends who have Similar interests as you. also, u are being Productive and enhancing your strenghts and qualities. :)\n\nRelationships:  typically i say w/ Family and Friends.. but as u say, family is far away/mean, and friends u talk on the phone. that means NEW PEOPLE. u need to concentrate on peopel around you. try with coworkers or peers at school (or at the gym, or walking ur dog, etc).  remember, the better u Look and the more you Know, the less SHY or scared u will be when talking to someone!  also, try to get to know teachers, guidance counselors, etc.  the more people u can speak to with confidence, the better.  eventually u WILL make friends, and then meet their friends..and that is how u create a network of family/friends around you.\n\nAlso, remember to always seek Positive, Healthy and Happy people around you. if anyone is negative, mean, or tries to force u to do something uncomfortable, keep ur distance. u are working on ur life for the BETTER.  the stronger, happier, confident u are, the more opportunities u will have, more doors will open, u will Attract positive people, AND u will be able to get thru the hard times in life w/ ur positivity (case in point: u and ur family!).  \n\ngood luck, and taek care ALWAYS.  the future equals the Ability to Change! no matter what, u can change something little or big in ur life. so don't ever be upset at urself or others for the past. look forward to tomorrow, work hard, and play hard, be Happy and Healthy and u will find Positive things~
349499
Fix the leak on the roof before the roof falls. Half of the roof fell.\n\nTake care of gingivitis before you lose your teeth.  I lost many of my teeth.\n\nSay "I love you" to someone you love before that person dies. I never said that to my father.\n\nDon't burn your bridges behind you.  Someday you might have to go back.\n\nTake care of yourself first, then you will be able to take care of others.  I neglected my health while taking care of others.\n\nMost important, love yourself.  If you don't love yourself, you'll never be able to love others.\n\nDon't sacrifice your life for others.  You might one day resent them.  And then feel guilty for resenting them.  It's a horrible feeling.\n\nIf you like or love someone, tell him/her.  What's the worst that could happen?  Nothing can be as bad as wondering what might have been for the rest of your life.
198589
It is great to let it go but it won't work since the underlying resentment will remain.  The best thing to do is try to calmly explain to your mom how deeply her words have hurt you and how they are detrimental to the children.\n\nYou need to clear the air.  After that, you can then decide how much or how little contact your children and you will have with her.  \n\nYou were right to remove your children from such a negative environment.  It is wrong of your mother to degrade you to your own children.  The good news is that your children will love you and won't pay attention to what she said...especially since you are removing them from the situtation.\n\nGood luck!
1096604
I am sorry that you feel this way, how terrible for you.\n\n I think you need to sit down with your mom and have a dicussion--not a screaming match-- and tell her honestly how you feel. It may be that she honestly has not realized that the situation makes you feel like this. Nomother would deliberately make their child feel like that on purpose, but Moms are people who have have feelings  too, and of course they makemistakes like anyone else.\n\n I hope you can have a good talk about this, and work it out.
757380
Listen to your mom.  I know it can be very hard to have feelings for someone, or something, that you just don't have feelings for.  But, in the case of your dad, as long as you give him respect, that will be good enough for now.  It doesn't matter if you love him or not, just go through the motions and see what happens.  One day you will marry and hopefully have children of your own.  You will want to live by example.  What you are doing for your father, even though he may totally not deserve it, will help you be a good teacher to your children. You will feel good about yourself and you won't look back with regret. He may not have been there for you, but you certainly don't ever want to be like him.  And by cutting him off, you would (in a way) be like him.  Don't do that to yourself, your family, or anyone else.  \n\nYou sound like you have a good heart and you want to do what's right.  It won't be easy, but it will pay off in the end.  Also, it's very common for teens to get mad at their parents...especially one who hasn't "been there" for them.  Why your dad didn't work harder on a relationship with you all these years, I don't know.  But my guess is he has treated you the same way he was treated by his own dad while he was growing up.  So I will repeat myself and say "Don't become like your dad."  This type of thing has a tendency to be passed down from generation to generation.  \n\nJust show respect to your dad.  Also, try to do something nice for him.  You may not want to at first, but when you see how he reacts, it will make you feel good.  And do it even if you feel he doesn't deserve it.  He will be happily surprised, and maybe even a feel a little guilty.  Surely he knows you have been upset with him.  Maybe he doesn't know how to make the relationship right. But, since you have a heart to try to work this out, one way or another, you may be the one that gets it back on track. How good you can, and will, feel about doing that.  \n\nGive your dad a second chance and see how he changes. But don't expect it to happen overnight.  After awhile, you will wonder how you ever "didn't love him" and eventually be so thankful that you "do love him."  You will be blessed in more ways than you know if you and your dad work through this.
151875
This was in response to the other question that you removed:\n\nIt sounds like your parents have a lot of their own issues, and they may be taking them out on you.  You are just a kid -- IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.  Of course, if they ONLY yell and curse when you have done something against their rules, then you need to realize that they will get frustrated with you.  But they should NEVER threaten to hurt you.  If you really get scared for your safety or for someone else in the family, you have to tell someone.\n\nI would recommend talking to someone you can trust outside of your family (school counselor, priest/minister/rabbi, teacher, family friend or neighbor), who can help you learn to cope with what's going on.  In time, you'll want to find a way to approach your parents with your concerns; but that will take some preparation for you to think of a way to talk about it without setting them off.  Or maybe, in a moment of calm (riding in the car seems to be a good time for my son and I to talk) you could say that you are tired of fighting all the time, and suggest family counseling so you can learn better ways to communicate with each other.  \n\nRealize that you and they are humans, and we all make mistakes.  They probably do NOT WANT to hurt you, but they may have their own stress or pain inside of them that they haven't learned to deal with.  For now, try to behave within the rules and don't act out of rebellion (you won't like the result).  Hang in there and remember that with time and patience and love it can get better.
61299
Is there any neutral person you can talk to? Perhaps a trusted relative? Otherwise, if your parents are willing, perhaps they will let you talk to a counselor. A good counselor will act as your advocate and listen to you without judging you. He or she will also help you to put things in perspective.\n\nIf those are not possibilities, keeping a journal may help. Also, staying active with outside interests and activities can help to keep you away from the turmoil at home and give you something else to think about and care about.\n\nGood luck! I know how difficult it can be when parents fight. Sadly, they don't always realize just how much it affects their children.\n\nDr. Barb Nefer, http://www.bnlifeskills.com
969534
Know that as time passes by the pain will lesson. You always feel the void and nothing will fill its place but the pain is lessened with time. Allow grief to be. Allow memories to flow. Remembering can hurt but also help you heal. Talking about your parent will hurt also but will help you to keep their memory vivid. Don,t fear your emotions but know that they are normal. Keep yourself busy because when its somethings that's hurting you too much thinking time can be harmful. Remember that you are not alone in this emotion.
938491
You are only feeling the way you do because of the idea of leaving everything that you have come to know and love. I am alot older than you I am sure, but I have moved about 8 times when I was young. We as kids had no say in where we were going and I for one hated everytime we moved I had just made new freinds. If your father feels like this is the best thing for the family and it will improve whatever lifestyle you have I say relax , go with the flow and when you are old enough to get out on your own and you really don't like where you are you can make that change. But as for right now, If it is going to make all of your lives better I say go for it. Seems like your parents are doing whats best for the whole family and KUDOS to DAD for including everyones say in the matter. Good Luck!