Best Bill Clinton Joke?
477168
Q. what's the difference between Bill Clinton and the Titanic? \n\nA.only 200 women went down on the Titanic.
897551
Is Bill Clinton a mouthpeice for BJ's?\n\n\n\n\n\n\n.
452922
Just laugh.\n\n1\n\nThree kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some f*ckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more f*ckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the f*ckin’ French toast."\n\n2\n\nMy grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason)\n\n3\n\n\nLast night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright)\n\n4\n\n\nSaul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-f*cking-believable!"\n\n5\n\nA guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here."\n\n6\n\nI was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now." (Rodney Dangerfield)\n\n7\n\nA Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen)\n\n8\n\nTwo guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says.\n\n9\n\nI went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it." (Garry Shandling)\n\n10\n\nA car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living." (Henny Youngman)\n\n11\n\nJesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps
459430
*Two men walked into a bar and the other man ducked.\n\n*A duck walked into a pet store and asked the guy behind the counter "Hey! You got any duck food?"\n"No," the guy said, "now beat it."\nThe next day, the duck came back and said "Hey! You got any duck food?"\n"No," the guy said, "now beat it. And the next time I see you in here, I'm gonna nail your beak to the floor."\nThe next day, the duck came back and said "Hey! You got any nails?"\n"No," the guy said.\n"Good," said the duck, "you got any duck food?"\n\n*One day, a man died and went up to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, St. Peter asked him "Did you do any good deeds in your life?"\n"Well," said the guy, "I rescued an old lady from a gang of robbers."\n"Hey, that's great!" St. Peter said, "when did you do that?"\n"Oh, about five minutes ago."\n\n*One day, three men were in a cave and they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it, and a genie came out and gave each of them one wish.\n"That's easy," the first guy said, "I'd like to be ten times smarter than I am right now!"\nPOOF! He was suddenly ten times smarter.\n"That's nothin'" the second guy said, "I'd like to be a HUNDRED times smarter than I am right now!"\nPOOF! He was suddenly a hundred times smarter.\n"Nah, I got all you guys beat," the third guy said, "I'd like to be a THOUSAND times smarter than I am right now!"\nPOOF! He turned into a woman.\n\nAnd the inevitable dumb blonde joke (NOTE TO ALL BLONDES: I DO NOT MEAN TO OFFEND. I AM MERELY REPEATING A JOKE I HEARD ONCE FROM A FRIEND OF MINE):\n\n*One day, a dumb blonde decided she was sick of all the dumb blonde jokes, so she decided to dye her hair brown and go for a long drive. She drove out to the countryside, where there were farms; one of these had sheep. She thought to herself "oh, how cute! I want a sheep!" So she went to the farmer and explained her request. \nThe farmer thought for a minute, then said "well, girly, tell you what. I'll let you have one of my sheep if you can guess how old I am."\nThe blonde thought about it for awhile, then finally said "66!"\n"By god, you're right!" The farmer said, astounded. He didn't really expect her to guess it, but since she did, he allowed her to pick out a sheep. So she picked one out and drove off, the sheep in the back. Suddenly, she saw the farmer behind her, chasing her car and waving frantically. She slowed down, and the farmer caught up to her and tapped on the window.\nShe rolled it down, and the farmer said "If I can guess what color your hair really is, then can I have my dog back?"
578294
Let's see if I get this straight... "affair", "no 'heavy' sexual contact" OK what's your real name, Bill Clinton?
695118
That's the best joke I've heard on this site in a LONG time!\n\nThanks for the laughs! Keep up the great work!!\n\n(Gotta remember this one for the folks at work!)
399355
"were both farmers!" hehehe i love that joke!!!cracks me up everytime!
653613
A man met a beautiful woman and he decided he wanted to marry her \nright away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." \n\nHe said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." .....\n\nWhoops.\n\n\n\nOk, here is my real joke, the only other one I can remember in my flu delirium.\n\n...as told to me by my best friend when she was eight and I was ten...\n\nIf you are on the potty and you are not American, what are you?\n\nyou're-a-peein'.....
464229
George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One.\n\nThe President looks at the Vice President, chuckles, and says, "You know, I could throw a $1,000 bill out the window right now and make somebody very happy."\n\nThe Vice President shrugs and says, "Well, I could throw 10 $100 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy."\n\nNot to be outdone, the Secretary of Defense says, "Of course, then, I could throw 100 $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."\n\nThe pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, "Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw the three of them out the window and make 56 million people unbelievably happy."\n\n\n\nYo Mama is like a bus, she's big she doesn't smell very good and it's only a dollar to ride.\n\nYo' Mama is so stupid, she bought a video tape on how to fix your VCR!\n\n Yo mama's so dumb, she stuck the phone up her ass and thought she was makin' a booty call.\n\nYo Mama is so fat, the highway patrol made her wear ''Caution! Wide Turns!\n\nYou're so stupid, your mother told you to go buy a color television and you asked, “What color?”
910889
OMG this joke is one of my favorites!!! Got any more?
229486
I would invite Bill Clinton over, he is kinda cute.
886950
Billy Madison\nOld Farm Lady: If peeing in your pants is cool, consider me Miles Davis\nOr when he is at Veronica’s house and sees the penguin at the top of the stairs:\nOhhhh. I see whats goin on here. So soooory to interuuupt!
724546
Great Joke!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
124764
ooh! I almost missed this one =)\n\nOnce upon a time in Disneyland there was a Victoria's Secret model named Oscar Wilde. All night and all day her third cousin twice removed forced her to scrub the toilet. Then one day, she received a visit from the little old lady who lived it a shoe. The old lady says, "Hi! I am Papa Smurf and I am here to pump... you up. \nLost in an unbearable lightness of being, Oscar says to P. Smurf "how many licks *does* it take?", to which Papa replies, "They are the eggmen. I am the walrus. Goo goo g' joob!" \n\nSo then Oscar and Papa find a field of magic mushrooms and live happily ever after...or did they?
453466
While the pope was visiting the USA, he told the driver of his limo that he has the sudden urge to drive. The driver was a good Catholic man, and would not ever dream of questioning the pope's authority. So the pope sat at the wheel, while his driver got in the back.\n\n They were traveling down the road doing between 70 and 80 mph, when a policeman happened to see them. As he pulled them over, he called in to headquarters reporting a speeding limo, with a VIP inside it.\n\n The chief asked: "Who is in the limo, the mayor?"\n The policeman told him: "No, someone more important than the mayor."\n\n Then the chief asked, "Is it the governor?"\n The policeman answered: "No, someone more important than the governor."\n\n The chief finally asked: "Is it the President?"\n The policeman answered: "No, someone even more important than the President."\n\n This made the chief very angry and he bellowed: "Now who is more important than the President?!"\n The policeman calmly whispered: "I'll put it to you this way chief. I don't know who is this guy, but he has the pope as his chauffeur."\n\n A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this Breathalyzer tube."\n The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."\n\n "Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."\n "I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."\n\n "Well, then we need a urine sample."\n "I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."\n\n "Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."\n "I can't do that, officer."\n "Why not?"\n "Because I'm too drunk to do that."\n\n A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"\n\n The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"\n\n A man who is driving a car is stopped by a police officer.\n\n The Officer: "You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone."\n Man: "No sir, I was going 60."\n Wife: "Oh, Harry. You were going 80."\n\n Officer: "I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light."\n Man: "Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!"\n Wife: "Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks."\n\n Officer: "I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt."\n Man: "Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car."\n Wife: "Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt."\n\nThen the man turns to his wife and yells: "Be quiet!”\n Officer turns to the woman and asks, "Ma'am, does your husband talk to you this way all the time?"\n Wife: "No, only when he's drunk."\n\n Late one Friday night a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically through the streets of Dublin. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.\n\n "Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called "Happy Hour" and they served these mar-gar-itos, which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and O' course I had to go in for a couple of Guiness - couldn't be rude, ye kn
431962
A nice REFRESHING joke. LOL
83773
Not sure but Bill Clinton was pretty good at it. He was even caught up in his lies multiple times and had to go on the air to take some of them back.