Can a man who was emotionally and physically abused in a marriage, be affected so he does same to girlfriend?
477803
That is inexcusable and if he does not agree to counseling immediately and promises to stop the violence and rages leave. Get out. It is bad enough he is perpetuating the cycle of abuse, but he is trying to rationalize it because of what happened to him. Bad news.\n\nDon't get caught in the cycle. You are obviously aware it is wrong. Even if this doesn't work out, make sure you get your needs taken care of afterward in counseling or some kind of group setting for victims of abuse. Good luck and much love.
612276
If he is willing to go into counseling and see how to work out his problems, great, it says a lot for him.  If not, you really need to leave now while you can even though it would be hard...for your sake, you need to.  Your right, communication is the key to a great relationship, the way it sounds from what your saying is that it is a verbally abusive one and has the potential to turn into a physically abusive one.
912883
Yes because the person abusing is breaking their marriage commitment to treat the other as Christ treated the church. Physically hurting the other violates faith that the other will protect them. Matthew 5:32 "But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery." I believe abuse falls in the unfaithfulness. Matthew 19:8 "Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning." If someone is abusing their spouse then it falls into a hardened heart and under old testament law where a divorce is allowed.
852697
.\n\nYour question displays good writing skills and clear thinking.  Hence, you are NOT incompetent NOR uncapable.  All romantic relationships point toward marriage.  Marriage is a bonding of help mates, people who help each other.  Your current bf is NOT helping you by calling you names that do not apply.  This is grounds enough for you to leave him.\n\nBeing constantly subjected to abuse damages the psyche and the soul.  I commend you for wanting to consider your own faults.  But you should really do this after you have removed the external abuse from your life.\n\nLeave this person.\n\nTake a deep breath for 2 weeks.\n\nThen evaluate your own faults and cupability.\n\nGood luck.\n\n.
645445
Unfortunately the beaten wife syndrome has got a hold on her.  Its very sad to see these women who do this on a regular basis.  But they are the only ones who can change this.  Sure, you could have your buddies whoop on him, but then you are lowering to his level.  Until she realizes that she needs to make a change, this will continue.  Some women never get it and end up dead.  Maybe suggest that she go and see a counselor about it.  Then once they are no longer together, Have 6 of your Buddies kick the shyt out of him.
937265
Wow, kudos for the spouse for having a wonderful understanding of "For better or for Worse".  This person is a gem for staying with their injured spouse and not being selfish and cheating or doing other things to emotionally hurt the already physically injured spouse.  You can handle anything if you are able to be a compassionate, understanding, giving and totally unselfish person.  Unfortunatley, there aren't alot of people like that in this society.
879748
It would depend on how many times he has promised to change and what happened before.\n\nIt is true that we all have faults.  However, some faults are easier to deal with than others.  I for one could not stick with someone with temper problems, whether he was violent or not, because I don't like being with someone who makes me nervous.\n\nEven at the end of your question you sounded like you were getting in a mood.
388842
Please understand that I don't mean any of my answers to come across as "harsh;" I am a cut-to-the-chase kind of person and tend to come across as abrupt.  I apologize in advance if any of my comments seem abrupt ~ they are not meant to be.\n\nFirst of all, I don't think it is fair to men to lump them into one category.  Each person is an individual and not *all* men act like you have described your husband.  My husband and his behaviors are nothing like you have described your husband's actions and behaviors!\n\nSecondly, may I ask how "we (women) act the way we do after a fight?"  That is a broad presumption that all women act/react the same as you do.\n\nYou have lumped the genders into two categories as though everyone in each gender acts and reacts the same way.  This is not only untrue, it is not an emotionally healthy way to view the world.\n\nThe way people in a relationship treat one another is a matter of psychological health, emotional well-being, and love and respect for one another, among other things.\n\nThat being said, I will tell you this:  I was, in my first marriage, a mentally, emotionally, and physically abused wife until I came to a jaw-dropping realization:  After the first incidence of abuse, any further incidents of abuse were a 50/50 situation.  The abuser is half of the problem.  The person willing to take the abuse is the other half.  You can only be abused if you are willing to be abused.\n\nMany people use the excuse of "I have no where else to go," but that is nothing but an excuse.  There are shelters all over the place for people who need to escape an abusive situation.  These shelters have 24-hour help lines and are equipped to house, feed and assist abused people until they get on their feet.  They also provide access to counseling and other necessities, including clothing if someone is in such a harmful situation that they need to, for example, pretend they are going to the grocery store and just never return to their house.\n\nIf someone is willing to abuse you mentally and emotionally, and you are willing to take that abuse, then rest assured that the day will come when they will be willing to abuse you physically, too.  Domestic abuse is a progressive situation.  If someone slaps their spouse and the spouse doesn't enforce consequences such as calling the police and filing charges, or leaving the abuser, chances are very high that the abuser will eventually hit them with a fist, kick them, etc.  This is how domestic violence often tragically ends in death.\n\nWhy do you stay with this person?  If what you have said is true, then it is obvious that he doesn't want to remain married to you.  If he, by his own admission, wants to stay away from you, has female "friends," is checking out singles ads, tells you the marriage is shaky and accuses you of acting like his ex-wife, then it should be very obvious to you that you are already his ex-wife ~ nothing remains now but the formality of a Divorce action.\n\nRegarding your statement about him making the first move toward s*x, you need to ask yourself why you were willing to participate.  It seems obvious that your husband was using you to fulfill a need *he* had, but has no regard or concerns for any needs you have.  Further, if he has female friends and is checking out singles ads and staying away from home as much as he can, what is your assurance that he is not already having physical encounters with others?  Are you taking any precautions to protect yourself against the possibility of disease?\n\nLastly, if you are staying with him "because of the children" (another common excuse), please ask yourself (or a licensed therapist) what you and your husband are teaching the children.  Do you think your relationship is a healthy relationship in which to raise children?  Do some research and you will learn that the daughters of an abused mother have a very high likelihood of ma
671189
No, it is the same.  The only time, it is different if there is a relationship between them.  The defendant is treated harder if they are related or live together.  This would also apply to men on men, women on men, men on women violence.
261588
Yes - my ex-husband hit me three times during our marriage.  I was raised in a peaceful houselhold, so the first time he did it it caught me completely by surprise.  However, I realised that I didn't want my young son to think this was the normal way men should treat women, so I divorced him.  He's on his fourth relationship now.\n\nI married again 23 years ago.  When you are a victim of domestic violence (and mine was pretty slight compared to some stories here) it toughens you up not to accept it again, so the first time we had a row and my then fairly new husband raised his hand to hit me, I told him ' if that connects, we disconnect.'  And I meant it - and he knew I did.  We're very happy together now!
30061
A lot of time it doesn't really have to do with strength so much as insecurity.  There are a lot of different levels of 'torture', which I am assuming that you mean as domestic violence.  There is mental, emotional, sexual and physical.  All of these are abuse.  Typically they are accompanied by drugs or alcohol, though these 2 things do NOT make a person violent.  Abusive men are insecure.  They need to be the center of someones world, even if they have to beat that person into submission.\n\nAnd as for what another person said on this post, just because a woman stays around when she is being abused does not mean that she is sick or unstable.  In fact, typically victims of abuse start out as very strong women with a lot going for them.  they have good jobs or activities, lots of friends, and feel good about themselves.  Often in these relationships, the abuser has taken so much time to belittle the other person and manipulate them over a period of time so that they feel alone.  They feel like their abuser is the only person that cares about them.  They honestly think that it is their fault that they are being abused... "if I didn't do that, then he wouldn't have hit me. I know he doesn't like it when I do that."  "he just does it becuase he loves me and is afraid to lose me." etc...  You should NEVER blame a victim of abuse for what is happening to her.  That would be like blaming a cancer patient for getting cancer.\n\nNo one WANTS to be abused.  No one goes on a second date with a guy that smacked them around on the first date.  It doesn't happen like that.  The abuse is long coming, and it starts long before the hitting ever starts.
359684
yes you're absolutely right. if you marry him you're giving him all the power to continue hurting you because it's not fair to you or to him. He needs help...love doesn't hurt
894953
Not sure.  I'd feel pretty heartbroken, and probably would be very near to ending the marriage.  It depends on whether or not my husband was sorry.  Haven't had this happen to me, so I don't know.
360796
My preacher once told me that you are not obligated by God to stay in a relationship that is harmful to you.  He also said God forgives those who divorce due to adultery and that adultery is not limited to a betrayal of a physical nature but can also be a betrayal of the heart, etc.  Abuse is betrayal.  My opinion, it would probably be more harmful for the child to grow up with that type of role model than for the child to be removed from the situation. I will also pray for you.
847211
Hi........I was an emotionally impaired woman until I met my fiance. I put him through so many changes because I had been so hurt in all of my relationships. My biggest obstacle was trust. I accused him with no basis and on some level I think I tried to sabotage the relationship because in my mind it would be just like all the others. One day he looked me right in the eye and said " I know what you are doing; and just to let you know, I'm not going anywhere ". He saw something in me that I didn't see in myself and I did everything I could from that moment on to change and put my trust in him. I love him more than I could express. He is like no other man I've known and I am so grateful he stuck it out with me. I know it's alot to ask of you to put up with the emotional baggage alot of women bring in a relationship, but you may just turn out to be the man that touches her heart and shows her that not all men are users and scammers. You may end up being the man that shows her how to love and trust again. Even if the relationship doesn't last, what you will have taught her will last forever.
1077744
have watched so many friends make so many bad choices about the men in their lives.\n\nBut that's not really my business. Except for in cases of abuse, I've known to keep my mouth shut. Physical abuse is obvious, and demands to be addressed. I don't think anyone can claim to love a person, and then politely pretend to not notice black eyes.\n\nBut the topic is never as easy to raise at it ought to be. To watch her in physical pain hurt me deeply, but for her to respond to my concern with anger nearly killed me. My heart broke when this rational, intelligent woman looked me in the eye and actually uttered that sick joke of a cliché -- "But I love him."\n\nThere are a hundred ways to argue with that statement. None of them will work. For all of the women determined to stay in violent relationships, there is at least one person who has tried everything to get her out.\n\nI think why they stay is apparent. The abuse never starts out as physical. He doesn't break her jaw on the first date. If he did, he'd be a straight out psychopath, and not your everyday neighbor/wife-beater. \n\nMen, I understand and appreciate that the vast majority of you do not beat up women. But, the bottom-line is there are far too many of you fuckers who do. Perhaps it is unfair, but I am also left to wonder how many potential wife-beaters are out there, just waiting for a woman to stick around long enough. \n\nBy the time a man full-on hits a woman, he is comfortable that she's not going anywhere. He's confident because he has already put her through a courtship full of gradually increasing psychological torture. As any good misogynist knows, a broken woman is not born, she is cultivated.\n\nCareful observation can often identify an abusive man within 10 minutes of talking to him. Sometimes, it takes longer. But, by Date #3, I guarantee he has thrown out at least one neon-sign of a clue that he will someday drag her by her hair. \n\nSome women will dismiss the warning signs as being insignificant. Or, worse, an infatuated women could see the character defects as endearing. She may find his jealousy to be charming, or determine that his rudeness to the waiter is manly, in a take-no-shit kind of way.\n\nThe goal of a batterer is to convince this woman that she cannot live without him. He accomplishes this by stifling anything about her that is her own. With an abusive man, what begins as a jealousy will inevitably turn into raging paranoia. At first, she may find it sweet that he really wants her to be with him, and not join her friends after work. Soon, her friends will stop asking, knowing she "can't" go. She'll be grateful, because the lack of an invitation is easier than making up excuses. Eventually he will cut her off completely from her friends and family, leaving her with no support outside of him. She will be utterly dependent on him, which, of course, was his entire plan.\n\nShe will love him, and she will need him, because he will be all that she has.\n\nBy the time the actual physical abuse occurs, it's too late. The physical violence is simply the culmination of a long and carefully planned ego-trip. Proof, in a maniacal frenzy, that he can do whatever the hell he wants.\n\nIt is far too late for her friends and family to help her. Where were they when she said (again) that she couldn't attend the [fill-in-the-blank]? Why didn't they speak up when he openly insulted her at the last function they did make it to?\n\nThey were where I have been: biting their tongues, knowing it's not their business, and waiting for something bad enough to happen that could justify butting in.\n\nThey will wait for a bruise, and she will say "but I love him." Their hands will be tied, and their hearts will break.
731056
Yes but only if it is on the basis of abuse or adultery.