what should i do about  a child brought into our marriage by an affair my husband had a year ago??????
465635
My heart truly goes out to you and I know if I found myself in this situation it would totally crush me also.  You are perfectly normal reacting the way you are.  It would be extrmely hard to let this child into your life because its like a kick in the teeth each and everytime you see the child.  Its a constant reminder of what has happenned.  Try thinking of it this way:  You were seperated when this happenned so atleast technically it was not an affair.  Your husband thought his marriage was over and didnt think u loved him anymore so he turned to find comfort else where.  BUT he loves YOU and now u r back together and trying to work it all out.  I know it will be very very difficult for u cuz I know it would be for me but you are right- this child does need a father in his life.  You r right- he did not ask for this to happen to him- and he didnt pick his parents.  Take the time you need to sort thru your feelings and talk and confide ALL your feelings with your husband.  Let him know u need time to adapt to this major shock in your life.  You need to search your heart and soul.  If you truly love your husband and cannot imagine life without him- then some way some how you will eventually have to adjust to this child.  YOU DO NOT EVER HAVE TO ACCEPT this other woman.  In fact I suggest u never even meet the woman or see her!  Thats just TOO much to ask of your already broken heart!  But remember- this is an innocent child- after you have searched your heart- try to come to terms with this.  If you cannot you will have to end the marriage.  Remember:  U were seperated when this happenned!  Good luck to you sweetheart and my heart is with you.  Feel free to e mail me ANYTIME at cstinkerbell6969@yahoo.com  YOU DO HAVE A FRIEND and confidant out in this world!  I wish you the greatest success in all you do!
251839
well its a very hard thing to cope with. try seeking help. talk to your Dr or a consular about this. just remember once a cheater. always a cheater. i would say 90% of cheating leads to a divorce. so get your affairs in order. hide money,etc..
868537
no, what goes on in their marriage is really their business. he may already know, or she may choose to keep it from him. i hope that it was some one-time mistake on her part and that they've already worked through it, but it's not your responsibility to tell him.
1165308
Talk to that attorney of yours and have him get you out of the marraige but MORE IMPORTANTLY make sure you have him draw up papers regarding your children!
1130673
Well, hon, unfortunately you are trapped in a self created mess and you will have to face the consequences of your actions when they are revealed. Do I think your husband knows? Of course he knows! He may not know about it in concrete, factual terms, but he knows something is going on based on your actions, behavior and the subtle clues you've left behind. Unfortunately, when we are thrust into the throes of lust and passion, even though we tend to think we are being secretive and subtle about it, we aren't. In fact, we are screaming it across a loudspeaker. How? By the way we dress, act, and so forth. According to a private investigator I know, 98% of the partners of people that are having affairs KNOW that this is what is going on because they have "intuited" it. Thus, your hubby is asking probing questions to verify what he senses in you. It is possible however, and you need to be aware of this, that others have seen you with your lover, and may have reported it back to your husband. Again, as subtle and as cool as we think we are, we aren't. People watch.\n\nDo I think you should confess? Yes I do. This is risky because he may become so hurt and betrayed by your actions he may file for divorce, but this is a chance you have to take. Remember, as an adult you have to be responsible for your actions in life, and you have to sometimes pay the consequences for your actions. He may want to divorce you, or maybe he won't. In fact, he may want you to go for marriage counseling together to work it through. But you won't know this for sure until you carefully and sensitively discuss this with him. \n\nChances are he is going to want to know why you did this and you are going to have to look deep within yourself to find the root causes of your actions. You absolutely must take ownership of your actions, and apologize accordingly. You can't change the past now, but you can remedy it by acknowledging what you did and taking action to resolve the problem, build trust again with your partner, and forgive yourself. Look within. On the surface many of us venture into affairs because we want a different kind of attention from another man than what we are getting at home. Sometimes, we are drawn to someone because they possess something that our partner doesn't and we find it captivating. Sometimes we want to spice up our lives and have a bit of adventure, just as you said. But usually the root cause of our actions, beneath the excitement and forbidden nature of it all, is that we feel unappreciated, unloved, and undervalued by our partners and think - hope really -that someone else will give that to us. What we want, in effect, is a boost to our low self esteem, which is something we can garner from within ourselves rather than having to get it from outside sources.\n\nThe bottom line is simple: You are going to have to face the music, hon. I know you are scared of this, but maintaining a secret will create a larger wedge between you. This is far more damaging to a relationship because relationships must be built on honesty and trust, and without that, you have nothing. Relationships with secrets are doomed to fail because secrets always have a way of coming to the surface. And finally, unresolved issues between the two of you will affect not only your marriage, but your kids as well, and that isn't fair to them.\n\nI wish you good luck.
684934
I understand completely my husband and I have a very similiar situation. And I too do not trust him and he does not trust me. I think to make things work you have to learn to let go of the past mistakes and learn to forgive even though that maybe in order to go on together you must try to trust. But if he continues to betray you then you need to do what is best for you and your child.
1011541
Yes! Tell someone! It happens more than you think, but no one tells. Start w/ his wife if he has one. Screw their marriage, save that kid! Follow up, if she doesn't do anything, tell the cops.
773565
Keep a paper record of the dates this happened and also write down how it upset the kids. Keeping everything on paper and dated is the best thing,then when you go to court take it all with you! Good Luck!
118931
Send her a certified letter about your intentions of picking up the kids. Actually show up at the designated time and have a witness.  Bring your written visitation decree along with you and notify the local sheriff's office of your intention to enforce the divorce decree.  Keep a written book of all of your attempts to visit your kids. If you find her new phone number, record all future calls.  Gather your child support receipts in a shoe box if you don't pay through the Court.  File contempt of court charges.  If you can't afford a lawyer, be willing to represent yourself in court.I spent $40,000 to get visitation for my husband.  I was the new wife and I kept good records and tape recordings and if I had to do it again, I would have represented him myself.  After 2 years he won visitation and it was very complicated...Don't stop paying child support and read the Book of Psalms in the Bible....
657563
Maybe you should continue to stay separated but start "dating" again and work on your issues. Having children in the relationship I feel it could be detrimental to them to have him continually coming and going into the home. I would continue being involved in your church, praying for him and your marriage and continue marriage counselling. If after a few months and giving it 100% there are still no changes in him/willingness from him to work on his issues then I would sit down and seriously contemplate if this situation is right for you and your children. But hopefully with prayer and God in your life you will see some changes. I definitely think baby steps is the way to approach this situation. God be with you.
158736
These are really hard shoes you are asking us to put ourselves in....I don't think any of us could say for sure what we would do unless we were actually in this postiton. Try to take time to think about the information you have learned, what were the circumstances in you marriage at the time. Determine how your relationship has been since then. Was the affairs with different women or one? How did you find out, by mistake or did he tell you? Why did he tell you after all these years? Is he looking for a way out or has he been consued with guilt all these years and wanted the truth to be told? You have alot of questions to sort through in your mind, and in your heart. The best advise I can give you, is to listen to your heart. Give yourself a little bit of time to digest everything, right now the hurt, humiliation, betrayl, and disgust are fresh wounds, and might cause you to lash out and do something you really don't want to do just to hurt him. I am sorry you have to go through this hurt, I wish you luck love and happiness.
649133
Tough situation.\n\nI, as one who's been there and done that, can only say you have to do what's best for you. My ex has been married for 19 years to the woman he fell in love with while we were married. I had to leave him in order to move on with my life and have never regretted it. We were not always friends but, in time, managed to find common ground for the sake of our children. \n\nYour child may or may not understand, in the beginning, but time heals all wounds. The main thing, where your son is concerned, is to make sure he understands it has nothing to do with him. Children have a tendency to absorb the guilt when their parents break up and you have to be prepared to deal with obstacles where he is concerned. Never leave him or his feeling out.\n\nThe marriage is obviously through and your wife seems to think she can keep you through your guilt. She knows you well enough to know this will hit a nerve and has no problem trumping you with it. That, in my opinion, is deceitful and manipulative. This being an indication of what the rest of your lives together must be like.\n\nI guess what I'm saying is, everyone will go task for this and the pain will be there no matter what, so why prolong it and take the chance of asking yourself, in years to come, "What if..."\n\nYou are obviously a kind and sensitive person who still cares about your wife as a person and as the mother of your child, but often this is not enough. A loveless marriage is a prison you can only wonder about being freed from. True love is something rare and beautiful. Cut your losses, let your wife go on with her life, without you, where she may have an opportunity to find true love which is obviously missing in your relationship with her.\n\nEach of you is responsible for your own happiness. You should grab yours while the opportunity is there. Your wife may choose to be bitter and angry or to be understanding and to put the child's happiness and welfare first. She is obviously not going to take it well, so be prepared for whatever may come.\n\nYou may think you'll feel nothing, but the break-up of a marriage is always emotional no matter the circumstances. Be sure you are prepared to deal with this aspect as well. Be sure not to leave your true love out of the emotional conflicts you may be going through during this time. You need to be able to share your true feelings with her and she needs to understand where you're coming from.\n\nGood luck and love. :)
403471
Leave him.\n\nChances are, it wasn't his first time, nor is it likely to be his last, especially if you let him "get away" with it.\n\nIf you think there might be a way to salvage your marriage, and possibly might be able to forgive him and forget it, and not let it come into your mind for the rest of your lives, you might try to work it out.
319321
Yes!  Your first priority should be to your kids.  They aren't safe with your husband and you need to get them away now.  Call legal aid or see if you make payments to a lawyer.  Or see if in your state you can file on your own.  Make sure you have proof of whatever accusations you are going to bring up in court.  Document everything, it will help you later on.  Also depending on the ages of the kids, I would ask for supervised visitation due to him still talking to the perp.
252367
Everyone grows up sooner or later.  However, that he had nothing to do with your child for seven years raises a big question in my mind.  Will he be there later?  Is he here to stay?  He owes the answers to your child and to you.\n\nObviously you have had a thing for him this whole time, and he for you.  People don't stop speaking to each other because of indifference.  \n\nGive it a chance, but make sure you know the answers to those questions.  You owe it to yourself and your kid.\n\nGood luck!
505807
The only solution to this mess you have gotten yourself into is to come clean with your wife. Your marriage couldn't have been that happy if you felt the need to cheat in the first place. Maybe through counseling you can salvage your marriage. \nThis casual affair is not asking that you call this child yours. It IS your child regardless of whether you like it or not.\nYou made a mistake by trying to bribe this woman or asking for an abortion. That would make any woman angry.\nYou need to come clean NOW, if you wait, it WILL  come back to haunt you later.  Make sure you tell your wife yourself. it will be so much worse if she hears it from someone else. And believe me she will hear about it. You upset the other woman and she will tell whoever will listen about you.\nGood Luck!
191404
I'm not sure about this, but I think that if you report her, your friend could face some consequences as well, if INS determines it was a sham marriage.  Sounds to me like the guy has been through enough.  Better that he should get this woman as far away from him as possible, and fight her for custody of the baby.  Sounds to me like you and your husband would be able to provide plenty of testimony against her in the custody hearing, so maybe that would be karmic justice in itself.  Unfortunately, the world is full of people like her, but we don't have to force their eventual karmic pay-back. It will take care of itself, every single time.