How can life get better after the breakdown of a 38 year marriage?
466504
Realize what went wrong.\nThere is no fixing this if the marriage ended but make sure it doesn't happen again by not repeating past mistakes no matter who was at fault.\nPick Yourself up.\nStart attending events that interest you.\nSince you must be older , possibly look for senior activities even at large senior centers where you can go have dinner in the dining hall and talk with people your age if you don't have a strong friend network.
1013435
Time will ease your pain, it isn't something you can't change over night, it took me 3 years to finally forget about a past love. We shared a lot of things and to get over home it is hard, I was married for two of the three years it took me to forget about him, it is part of the normal healing process. But remember, nothing is gonna change your situation. Life doesn't stop and wait for you to live it it keeps on going, so you are only missing out. The best remedy is to keep on living. It was better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.
1048271
Firstly must say you seem like a very special man. Secondary I shall say that it is time that you concentrate on yourself a bit more (to be able to move forward)\n\nBe respectful, always reliable, helpful, be understanding, be her shoulder to cry on (life is funny.. but wheel turns). But at the same time give her space at this time as you don’t want to loose her.\n\nI had a friend who his wife left him for another man. They have two kids together. He was always there for her (but had other girlfriend but did not commit 100%: in fact I was one J ). If she was sick, or needed something, or pick their kids up: he was always there, kept nice contact with ex-in laws because of the kids.. She went back to him when she was in trouble. He let her. He let her leave him again for yet another man (even married) He was her friend, warned her about the guy who ended up to be an abuser. She left this guy in the end, she matured, and they now together (but he did not remarry), He is now 48, his wife 8 year younger. He married he as she was only 19.\n\n*******************************\nJust remember:\n*******************************\n\nForming a relationship with your ex is entirely separate from the process of ending a marriage; if you work through the process to achieve your "emotional divorce," you can cultivate something entirely new. Your old relationship is over; take the steps to heal so that you can invest your energy elsewhere.\n\nGood luck.\n\nps meant to say: and you get a new hobby and have fun with other people as soon you will feel better and might make new friends and will not feel lonely. The reason why we LOVe or MISS people is beuase we miss that comunication. Once you communicate with others it will be better for you. And who knows, maybe your ex -wife seeing how popular and outgoing you are might ant to herself be your friend asap.........  show her your new side that she did not see before :-)
1107740
Yes. It gets better.  But sometimes you have to choose to make it better. You decide from the beginning that you are in this for the long haul. There are times you wish you were anywhere but here. But that is the same in any relationship. You don't get married and assume all will take care of itself. You have to work at being thoughtful of someone besides yourself. You both have to give in sometimes and shrug off things that don't really matter in the big picture. After we had been married a few years I got brave enough to ask my husband what one pet peeve he had about me that he would really like me to stop doing. Then I told him mine.  We both tried to stop doing it. Worked for a while.\nAnd now it doesn't really matter.  I love him. And he loves me. Only when we are in a bad mood does stuff really bother us and the other one knows that. So its OK. A hug fixes a lot for us. Or just some space to allow us to be in a bad mood a little.
565300
May I suggest a book?  "Recovering Love" by J. Richard Cookerly (available through Amazon)\n\nThis book is essentially about how to build/recreate/rebuild/recognize a healthy loving relationship.  It, not incidentally, will also give you a perspective to tell if your problems and his are valid or off in left field.  \n\nIt certainly sounds like you are resenting some of the sacrifices that you made and that is coming out subconsciously in the form of unreasonable demands. OTOH, it may be that he has been unwilling to make sacrifices for you, and now he's trying to sort of pad his account, so to speak, to make it seem like the relationship is more equitable than it really is.\n\nI applaud you both for going to a counselor.  They can really help sort out marital problems. It can work very well.  It worked for my first marriage for a long time(my husband had very severe emotional problems and when he stopped going to counselling for those problems, so it fell apart.)  That it held together for so long was a testament to our counselor.  (I hope that didn't discourage you, trust me that my ex was severely emotionally stunted)\n\nOne final note - what I really learned from my first marriage is that any two people can have a happy relationship during the good times - it's how you react to the bad times that determine if it is truly a healthy relationship.  If you get nothing else from the counselor, try to get practice on handling arguments, and working together during times when you have a problem.
464168
i guess you are putting up with it,after 13 years have you not learned anything.why do you do this to yourself.you need to move on and take care of yourself and find yourself.it is not right to live like that you deserve to be happy.
100137
It took ten years for my poor poor heart to mend after I divorced my husband of 13 years b/c he had a baby with an aquaitance of mine and I felt sorry for her not being married and all gave her a baby shower and gave her all my childs things (i did not know it was his child til later). It just takes time. I dove into my work and made new friends (seeing as how all my old friends knew it was his child and did not tell me) and spent some quality time with myself. I got to know me really well and decided I really liked the new me. Just give yourself time to heal and get involved with work and friends. It does help. Oh and try not to drown your sorrows in alchol and drugs. I tried that I lost everything I had AGAIN and had to start over. Good luck to you and try and hang in there the world has a lot to offer if you will just stop and look around. I am happily married now to a wonderful and caring man that adores me! I am living proof that your heart can and will mend. I may stil be cracked but it will heal.
710209
From my own experience, I say go and get a better life, as you only have 1 life to live. You try and try, until you spin your wheels.\n\nI was married to a guy for 13 years and we had 3 kids.  He drank every day, and our life was hell.  Life goes on, and now I have a wonderful husband, and we've been married for 15 years.  I bailed and it turned out good.   I went to counseling and Alanon befe I made my decision.  You may find someone wonderful.\n\nThe best thing you can do when dealing with an alcoholic spouse is to detach from the abuse of the alcoholic. You can do this if you truly love your spouse and want to help them to possible sobriety. The more you focus all your energies on the alcoholic, the less likely he is to get sober. This article focuses on how you can detach and remain healthy mentally.\n\nDon’t Make Alcoholism Your Problem\n\nIf you have never read any of the Al-anon material then you probably don’t know that you are making the disease of alcoholism YOUR problem. One of the sad facts of living with an alcoholic is we become just as mentally and emotionally sick as the alcoholic. This happens because every step of life we take, and every breath of air we breathe has some involvement with the alcoholic. Our emotions overtake our own mental health as we try and cope with the deterioration of the alcoholic in our life. What are we doing wrong? We are concentrating too much on the disease, instead of concentrating on our mental and emotional health. We may as well be tipping the bottle for them. Better yet, we may as well be drinking with them!\n\nDon’t Enable\n\nMost spouses of alcoholics don’t realize they are helping their spouse drink just by a few simple behaviors and actions. Several ways in which you may be enabling your spouse to drink is by buying them alcohol, drinking with them, calling the boss and or family members for him because he is too hung over or too drunk to do it himself. Lying to friends, boss, family and co-workers about him and his drinking problem. Taking them to the store, arguing with them, and behaving like a victim. You are not the victim of alcoholism until you make yourself BEcome the victim.\n\nGet Off The Pity Pot\n\nGet off of the pity pot and begin living for yourself, instead of living for the alcoholic. “Oh poor me, everyday I am suffering and I can’t take it anymore” attitude won’t get you anywhere. You need to take care of yourself and that cannot be done if you are focusing all of your attention on the alcoholic and what he is doing or what he isn’t doing. Start focusing on what you can do for yourself. Get out of the house, don’t hang around the alcoholic, and don’t let them abuse you with their words. If you care about the alcoholic in your life, this is what helps them more than anything else.\n\nDetach With Love\n\nYou are powerless to getting your loved one to stop drinking. The first step in being able to detach is by realizing that the shenanigans of the alcoholic is not your problem. Don’t try and fix their messes for them. Not only does this enable them to continue drinking, but also it justifies their drinking. Don’t have any interaction with the alcoholic while they are drinking; that includes, talking and arguing with them. Why fuss and fight with someone who has lost the ability to make any sense? Don’t become ensnared in the alcoholic trap with them. Stay out of the trap, so you can help them. Ninety-five percent of what an alcoholic says is manipulative and hogwash anyway. Don’t start believing in the lies of the disease. Separate yourself from the antics of the alcoholic.\nhttp://www.mayoclinic.com/health/alcoholism/DS00340\nhttp://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bipolar-disorder/AN00920\nhttp://www.maricopa.gov/benefits/pdf/AA/Living_with_Alcoholic.pdf\nhttp://www.connexions-direct.com/index.cfm?pid=152&catalogueContentID=420\nhttp://web4health.info/en/answers/add-living-with-an-alcoholic.htm\nhttp://www.dooyoo.co.uk/archive-lif
940279
I would suggest you go to counseling to see if you can mend your marriage; it might even be better than before.  Losing a job can be devastating for anyone, but it's especially tough for men.  It sounds like your husband fell into a depression and is just now climbing out of it.  The fact that he still wants to try with you and has made some improvement says a lot.\n\nIf the counseling works, then give the marriage an honest try before you decide to throw in the towel.  \n\nDon't stay together because of the kids.  I've seen that happen with disastrous results.  The children wind up seeing their parents live a life of tolerance, not love.\n\nHe's making an effort; with some new communication skills and both of your working at your marriage, you may find that you love him again.
1013419
Yes I meant it. 12 years of a not so great marriage, but now it is better than ever. I am glad I have the commitment and morals that helped me hang on for 12 years to where things are better. You are a great guy don't sell yourself short for anyone. Keep your morals and you commitment, you may not know it, but, they mean so much to you and always will.\nCongratulations and keep up what you have.
282735
I stayed for 5 years longer than I should have.\nIt was an abusive relationship but it started slow and I kept believing his promises to stop and how sorry he was.  We found what I thought was a good church and things seemed to get better for a while but it was back to the 2-3 times a year yelling and shoving dominance establishing routine.  Nothing I ever did was good enough but I did not want my marriage to fail.  I kept hoping that this really was the last time he was going to be so horrid to me.\nSomeone eventually asked me "How much more of your life are you going to waste?" right around the time that he really lost it.  So I hit my f**k this s**t point and moved in with mom.  (Oh my god I had to move back in with my mommy.  I was an adult and I had to move back home.  How big of a loser was I?)\nAfter I moved out and all of a sudden he was really sorry and he did want to go to counciling after all and he really was going to change and we could take that trip to the mountains (3 hrs away) that we never had before.  I was angry that he was willing to change after I had left but I wasn't worth it before.  And that church I thought was so cool told me that I should forgive him amd move back in.  And they are supposed to be so supportative of women.  Guess I know better now.\nOn the up side, after I left I met the love of my life and we have been together for over a year.  Nothing like marrying your best friend.  And with what I have been through in the past I am well aware of how lucky I am to have a REAL husband and not just a spouse.
1146702
The idiots always tend to answer first.  \n\nLife WILL get better.  I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your wife.  Speaking from some experience, I am "seeing" a widower who was married to his wife for 20-something years.  I did not know him or her when they were married and it will be one year this month since she passed away and he has two teenage children.\n\nIt will be hard and it will probably get harder for you as holidays come and go but you have to hang in there.  You should be so thankful that you met the love of your life, many of us never get that chance.  My guy never thought he would be with another woman, never wanted to.  It is still difficult for him at times and I have difficulty dealing with it at times too.  He pulls away from me to deal with it and I kind of freak out (read my posted questions).  He tells me that it is kind of hard for him to believe that his marriage is over and he sometimes feels like he is cheating.  Give it time.  Time is the only thing that will heal your pain.  Hang in there and live life for that baby of yours, she needs you to be happy.  If you need to talk, feel free to contact me - I kind of understand.
565728
The older you get, the greater you realize what life is all about.\nExample. A person never marries. That person looks at his life as a failure. One day, his eyes suddenly open and he sees things a little clearer. He has given so much to so many people. He has an overabundance of friends and loved ones. He has no biological children but many who call him dad because he has been there for them when nobody else was. \nThere is realization that there has been many reasons for his abused past. All of his life he grew up being abused by his parents and siblings. He could never find the love of his life. However today he found answere that he never thought he could find answers to. He saw two couples who were in their seventies. The wives of the husbands were using canes and the mens arms were used to help the spouce walk. Those older individuals had great lives in their younger days. Now that they are older, they must give their all to their diseased spouce. They use most of their energy to help their spouce to survive. \nThose who have rough lives from the beginning, may end up being alone. However, they are able to finally have peace and relax. All of those years that he was being abused and being alone has paid off. Love from others that he cared for is there and he has many who love him and care for him. Peace is here for him. Life has many purposes. It is up to us to live as we feel we are supposed to. One day, the light shines on us and we know why bad and good happen. The greatest thing is that the older we get, the better insite as to all of the good in our lives. Get It?
287435
Probably not like the first year of being together. That's a wish that we all have. But 4 years of problems? Have you seen a counsellor together? You shoudl do that before thinking of leaving him. You owe the relationship that much. Also you have a son together so try a bit harder to fix the problems before leaving. The first thing I can think of is seeing a counselor together, the second thing is seeing one alone, the third thing is reading a good book on saving your relationship, and the fourth thing is to go on "date nights" with your husband. Get a babysitter once a week and go out to movies, to dinner, to a bar they way you did the first year you were together.
594840
start getting in to things that you have always wanted to do and coudn't while you were married. it will help you alot faster and move on with your new live.you can do any thing you want to do now. just have fun with the thing you choose to do. and who knows you may find love again that if you want that. good luck.
643238
Try putting post it notes around your house that you'll read. On these notes, put positive things about yourself. Start telling yourself when you wake up and before bed that you are a wonderful, smart person and you deserve happiness. The mind is a powerful thing. If you believe it, then its reality. So constantly telling yourself positive things should help give your self-esteem a boost. On another note, don't keep people around you that are negative. Start trying to find a silver lining in everything. examples...\nYour car won't start that morning...at least it failed at home, and not while you were out and about!\nIts raining on a day you planned outside activities...gives you a chance to read a good book or see a movie.\nA person you love died....at least they are no longer in pain.\nA person you really liked dumped you...better to know now than before marriage and a painful divorce.\n If you wake up every morning and try to be a confident, happy, positive person, one day you'll wake up and no longer be trying. It'll just come naturally. Its all about what you want, and how hard you are willing to work for it. And not letting people take your power from you. Others can only make you sad or upset if YOU allow them to. Life is all about how you spin it.
726853
I'm sorry for you.   I'm going thru something similar, but with 20 years together.  You might never have a reason why this happened.   I've found accepting that I can't MAKE him give me an answer or tell me the truth takes away a lot of the stress.  \n\nThere must be some little things that are better with him gone, though.   Something as small as having your room the way you like it now.   You may never stop loving him, but you will move on.  If you don't, you're wasting the life you have left!   There's so much more to do and see yet.   \n\nStrengthen you relationship with your kids (if you have any), and with your friends.   If you don't have friends, get out and do something you love and you'll meet some new ones.  \n\nI don't know how longs it's been for you, but at 2.5 month for me I can say that I'm really happy most of the time.   I couldn't have imagined that only a few weeks ago!\n\nGood luck to you, and don't stay home or in bed all day!  Force yourself to get out and do things or go places