Can you tell me some old wives tales or catch phrases?
465182
I can give you a list, I don't know how useful any are.\n- If you nose itches, you are about to kiss a fool\n- If your palm itches, you are coming into money\n- If you see a shooting star, someone you know is pregnant.  If you see two shooting stars, you are pregnant
170909
As a teacher the best one I ever heard was, "I squeezed the toothpaste too hard and it took me half an hour to get it back into the tube."\n\nAlso a good laugh was the boy who told me, "Last night while I was asleep my dog peed on the clothes I had ready for school and I didn't have any more clean clothes so my mom had to wash them and dry them before I could come to school."\n\nHOw about, "My dog ate my alarm clock"? That's a common one ...I see you already have it.\n\n"Our toaster is really old so it takes a long time to get all the toast made and this morning it was my turn to be last."\n\n"Last night our house was invaded by ants and it took an hour this morning for us to kill them all."\n\nReally, we teachers have heard lots of them, and we usually know that the real reason is that you overslept or something like that, so the truth is usually the best option .... unless you can think of something really funny that will give everyone a chuckle and if your teacher is the sort of person who will appreciate it ...they'll still know it's just a story but it might help .... if you don't make a habit of being late!!
1096044
Search for commonly used idioms.
1047871
I like this one: "Ich würde ihn nicht von der Bettkante schubsen."\n("I wouldn't kick him off the side of the bed," used to describe a guy you find attractive.  Use "sie" instead of "ihn" for a woman)\n\nDon't use online translators---they don't generate correct language.  I wish people on Yahoo! Answers would quit referencing them---if you don't know the language, just let someone else answer!
680412
i still do my bit for the woman on this world, doors, seating, help with heavy items, etc..\n\n\nthere is some tips to help avoid problems in the future...\n\n============================================================> In the world of romance, one single rule applies to\n> the men:\n> \n> Make the woman happy.\n> Do something she likes, and you get points.\n> Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. \n> \n> You don't get any points for doing something she\n> expects. Sorry, that's the\n> way the game is played.\n> \n> Here is a guide to the point system:\n> \n> SIMPLE DUTIES\n> You make the bed (+1)\n> You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow\n> (0)\n> You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)\n> You go out to buy her what she wants (+5) In the\n> rain (+8) \n> But return with Beer (-5)\n> You check out a suspicious noise at night (0)\n> You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing\n> (0)\n> You check out a suspicious noise and it is something \n> (+5)\n> You pummel it with iron rod (+10)\n> It's her pet (-10)\n> \n> \n> SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS\n> You stay by her side the entire party (0)\n> You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat \n> with a college buddy\n> (-2) Named Tina (-4) Tina is a dancer (-6) Tina has\n> silicon implants (-80)\n> \n> \n> HER BIRTHDAY\n> You take her out to dinner (0)\n> You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar \n> (+1)\n> Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)\n> And it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)\n> It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and\n> your face is painted the\n> colours of your favourite team (-10) \n> \n> \n> A NIGHT OUT\n> You take her to a movie (+2)\n> You take her to a movie she likes (+4)\n> You take her to a movie you hate (+6)\n> You take her to a movie you like (-2)\n> It's called 'DeathCop' (-3) \n> You lied and said it was a foreign film about\n> orphans (-15)\n> \n> \n> YOUR PHYSIQUE\n> You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)\n> You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to \n> get rid of it (+10) You\n> develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy\n> jeans and baggy Hawaiian\n> shirts (-30) You say, "It doesn't matter, you have\n> one too." (-8000)\n> \n> \n> ENJOY THE 'BIG' QUESTION\n> She asks, "Do I look fat?"\n> You answer it frankly (-5)\n> You hesitate in responding (-10)\n> You reply, "Where?" (-35)\n> Any other response (-20) \n> [Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT]\n> \n> \n> COMMUNICATION\n> When she wants to talk about a problem,\n> You listen, displaying what looks like a concerned\n> _expression (0) You \n> listen, for over 30 minutes (+50) You listen for\n> more than 30 minutes\n> without looking at the TV (+500) She realizes this\n> is because you have\n> fallen asleep (-10000) Now what chance do you \n> have???
1091159
Whats worse than coming home with lipstick on your collar?\nLeg make-up on your ears.\n\n\nTwo roosters in a rainstorm....\nOne did a bolt for the shed...\n the other did a duck under the house!!\n\nA young man making love to a very large lady. She knew he was getting close and asked, "Did you take any precaution?"\n"Yes," he replied, "I've tied my feet to the end of the bed!"\n\nTwo ladies chatting over a cuppa.\n"Sad about your husband dying, but why have you been telling people he died of gonorrhea when it was diarrhoea?"\n"oh," said the other, "I just wanted people to remember him as a great lover, not the big shitter he really was!"\n\nA man wakes in the hospital after a nasty accident.\n"I have good news and I have bad news," said the doctor.\n"what's the bad news?" asked the patient.\n"well we've had to amputate both your feet,"  said the doctor.\n"hell," said the patient, "what's the good news?"\n"well," said the doctor, "the bloke next to you wants to buy your slippers!"\n\nThat's enough from me!! enjoy!!
984741
" Go piss up a rope."\n\n"You should really consider having a Plexiglas's window installed in your stomach so that you can actually see first hand what your head looks like while up your as*s."  \n\n"Go die or something."\n\n"Did your mother use you as bait to distract vicious dogs or something."\n\nand my most favorite one of all times...  "People are not chocolate, but if they were, they would be Bastard coated bastards with bastard filling."     \n\nI got that from Scrubs!  \n\nGod...I have a million of these...  I speak smartas(s...  I really don't have very much vocabulary beyond the come back...
606597
Never Trust Your Toaster!\n\n*spooky music rings in the darkness....*
153659
My personal favorites (you can copy them if you like them:\n-Toothpaste on the telephone's ear piece\n-Pepper gum\n-Shocking computer mouse (don't try this if you're dealing with someone with a possibly weak heart)\n-Same-coloured tape over the infrared receiver on the remote-controlled TV\n-Word processor freak out (the victim types a common word in, for example, MS Word, and AutoComplete substitutes it with "I AM WATCHING YOU!!!")\n-Altered photos of "Jim with Trevor's girlfriend??!!"\n-Red or brown food colouring in the shower-head (good for Halloween too)\n-Locked wheels on the rolling chair\nAnd an all-time popular favorite:\n-Change your voicemail greeting so that it seems like you answered your phone, like "Hello? Oh, hey. I've been meaning to call you. How are things? etc."\n\nIf you must use these please use them responsibly, and remember to say 'April Fool's'\nDon't say all_2_true told you. ;)
729586
dont be put off with the old wives tales do what you both want and at whatever times are available to suit both of you
865702
Slang terms are:\ndough, bread, coin,
321810
Tell them the old stand-by. Opinions are like as*holes, everybody has one.\nYou could also throw rocks. That usually works.
537338
Watch out.....for talking snakes and apple trees,\nOr you ...will burn in hell for all eternity.\nWhen you ...lie on Sunday\nYou'll have a yabba dabba do time\nAdabba do time \nYou'll have a gay(if there allowed)old time!
729822
Well... I ran to the bathroom after reading these...\n\n *Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke. When it started to rain, one of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking\n\nLady 1: What's that?\nLady 2: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.\nLady 1: Where did you get it?\nLady 2: You can get them at any drugstore.\n\nThe next day Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.\n\nThe guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age) but very delicately asks her what size.\n\n"Doesn't matter son, as long as it fits a Camel"\n\nThe pharmacist fainted. \n\n\n\n\n   *A police officer pulls over a guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."\n\nThe man says, "Sorry officer, I can't do dat. I am a asthmatic 'n if I do dat, I'll have a really bad asthma attack!"\n\n"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."\n\n"I can't do dat eeder! I am a hemophiliac. If I do dat, I'll bleed to death!"\n\n"Well, then we need a urine sample."\n\n"I'm sorry officer, I can't do dat eeder. I am also a diabetic. If I do dat, I'll get really low blood sugar."\n\n"All right then, I need you to come out here and walk this white line."\n\n"I can't do dat, officer."\n\n"Why not?"\n\n"Cause I'm drunk as a skunk!" \n\n\n\n\n*A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."\nA little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.\nThe blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen.\nThe cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.\nSeveral days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."\n"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I'll take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli."\nOnce again walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.\nHe returns the following week, but this time the owner see's him coming and runs to the kitchen.\nHe tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around down your pantys before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.\n"Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."\nThe blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?" \n\n*A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boy friend now that Grandpa went to heaven?\n\n"Grandma
1129093
lol ... y'all stole my favs! uhm....\n\n"I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long."\n\n"I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before."\n\n\n"I wrote a letter to my dad- I wrote, I really enjoy being here. But I accidently wrote rarely, instead of really. But I still wanted to use it, so I crossed it out and wrote I rarely drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot you don't know about me. Quit trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator. This letter took a harsh turn right away."\n\n"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away."  \n \n "I like rice. Rice is great if your hungry and want 2000 of something."  \n\n"I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're going and hook up with them later."  \n\n"I was walking down the street with my friend and he said "I hear music" As though there's another way you can take it in. Your not special. That's how I recieve it too. I tried to taste it, but it did not work."\n\n"One time a guy handed me a picture of himself and he said. "Here's a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. Here's a picture of me when I'm older. How'd you pull that off? Let me see that camera."  \n\nI think thats enough - those are the ones that make me laugh :)
651652
Karma! Move outta that darned trailer park! Otherwise, I would go 1 of 2 ways:\n1. I would agree with 'themom', and 'nice her to death'...\nor\n2. Hop into your duds, you know, the cut offs with fringe, the halter with the muffin hangin over the tops of the cutoffs, bare foot, blue eyeshadow,liberal amounts of dirt on and in between toes, dyed blonde wig, ultra frizzy  with black roots showing, (cuz X-Tina got away with it, and so can you!) cigarette in hand, baby on hip, diet coke (with Jack) in hand...and walk over with some store bought muffins and say,"Hi, mah names Karma, this here is little Joe..he ain't Cooters, the oldest one is, but this here one i got knocked up with when we was goin through a rough patch and i woke up at the Bandito club house and well, 9 months later...here's Lil' Joe! Anyways, I wuz lookin ta be kindly and neighborly to ya, since you already done pissed me and Cooter off, so here's a peace offerin (thrust badly smooshed muffins into her arms and enjoy the look of horror on her face).."i know you think yer better than us, but we is good nay-bors, i jest wanna git along." Turn on your dirty little foot and head home. Scour 'paint' off face, toss wig, wash feet,burn clothing, pray over child....Hopefully, you will have frightened her to the  point where she will never annoy you again!
282038
here's one \n"If i'm not on birth control and I just use condoms will I beable to conceive"\n(must be a smart person!!)\n\n"How big of a bulldozer do i need to push my neighbors trailer off the cliff?"\n(her neighbors across the street, LOL She's cool though)\n\n"do you know god spelled backwards is dog?"\n(wow really!!) \n\nWell thats all the time I have could go on forever~