Does anyone know any hilarious sexual innuendoes????
467954
-vulcanize the whoopee stick in the ham wallet.\n-cattle prod the oyster ditch with the lap rocket.\n-batter dip the cranny axe in the gut locker\n-retrofit the pudding hatch with boink swatter\n\n-marinate the nether rod in the squish mitten\n-powerdrill the yippee bog with the dude piston\n-pressure wash the quiver bone in the B I T C H wrinkle\n-cannonball the fiddle cove with the pork steeple\n           \n           *Bloodhound Gang*\n\n\n-"im gonna blitz your league"-\n           a little sumpin from my bro
803902
One of my personal favorites is from "Zoolander":\n"You can derelict my balls, capi-tan." LOL!!!\n\n*Edit*\nOh, I just thought of another funny one from "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective":\nLois: "How would you like it if I made your life a living hell?"\nAce: "Well, Lois, I'm not quite ready for a relationship right now, but maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911?" LOL!!!\nPs. Thanks for the great question. You should get some funny answers.
124764
ooh! I almost missed this one =)\n\nOnce upon a time in Disneyland there was a Victoria's Secret model named Oscar Wilde. All night and all day her third cousin twice removed forced her to scrub the toilet. Then one day, she received a visit from the little old lady who lived it a shoe. The old lady says, "Hi! I am Papa Smurf and I am here to pump... you up. \nLost in an unbearable lightness of being, Oscar says to P. Smurf "how many licks *does* it take?", to which Papa replies, "They are the eggmen. I am the walrus. Goo goo g' joob!" \n\nSo then Oscar and Papa find a field of magic mushrooms and live happily ever after...or did they?
759941
A white bloke had a Jamacian work mate, \nOne day he asked him "Is it true you Black guys are better in bed than us whites, and if so can you give me any tips?"\nThe Jamacian replies \n"Yeah , you whites are too eager to get it over and done with, take your time, two long slow stokes follwed by two short quick stokes followed by two long slow stokes and so on. \nThat makes em scream every time"So that night the white bloke starts making love to his wife,two long stokes, two short stokes two long strokes ect ect..\n Eventually he asks his wife\n "do you notice anything different dear"
1006825
Random humour is by far the best!\n\nchocolate pants!
1162825
Hm...Is there?\n\nMan: So, how do you like your eggs in the morning?\nWoman: Unfertilized.\n\nMan: Do you want to dance?\nWoman: NO\nMan: Sorry, I think you misheard me...I said, You Look fat in those pants.\n\nLittle Sister: Your Ugly.\nYou: And your quite good looking...for a Gorilla, that is...\n\nDo you notice how I've kept my youthful complexion?\nYeah, so I see...all spotty\n\nMan: So, what's your sign?\nWoman: No Entry\n\nMan: Please whisper those 3 little words that would make my day!\nWoman: Go to hell\n\nBrother: Why do you smell funny?\nYou: It's called Soap - don't think you've ever smelt it before...\n\nWife: Darling, do you think I'll lose my looks as I get older?\nYou: With luck, yes\n\nWork Colleague: Do you find me entertaining?\nYou: I reckon you are too dim to entertain a thought\n\nOld Wife: Shall I put the TV on? \nOld Man: Well it would certainly improve the view in here...\n\nHow many people work in your office?\nAbout half of them\n\nMan: "Haven't we met before?"\nWoman: "Perhaps. I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic."\n\nMan: "Haven't I seen you someplace before?\nWoman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore."\n\nMan: "Is this seat empty?"\nWoman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down."\n\nMan: "So, wanna go back to my place ?"\nWoman: "Well, I don't know. Will two people fit under a rock?"\n\nMan: "Your place or mine?"\nWoman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."\n\nMan: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?"\nWoman: "It's in the phone book."\nMan: "But I don't know your name."\nWoman: "That's in the phone book too."\n\nMan: "So what do you do for a living?"\nWoman: "I'm a female impersonator."\n\nQ: Is it true that there's no such thing as a stupid question? \nA: Yeah, it's true, but you can always give intelligent question stupid answers
1111244
This one is on the front page at eBaumsWorld.com: \nMike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown." Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK??" In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around!'"
1091159
Whats worse than coming home with lipstick on your collar?\nLeg make-up on your ears.\n\n\nTwo roosters in a rainstorm....\nOne did a bolt for the shed...\n the other did a duck under the house!!\n\nA young man making love to a very large lady. She knew he was getting close and asked, "Did you take any precaution?"\n"Yes," he replied, "I've tied my feet to the end of the bed!"\n\nTwo ladies chatting over a cuppa.\n"Sad about your husband dying, but why have you been telling people he died of gonorrhea when it was diarrhoea?"\n"oh," said the other, "I just wanted people to remember him as a great lover, not the big shitter he really was!"\n\nA man wakes in the hospital after a nasty accident.\n"I have good news and I have bad news," said the doctor.\n"what's the bad news?" asked the patient.\n"well we've had to amputate both your feet,"  said the doctor.\n"hell," said the patient, "what's the good news?"\n"well," said the doctor, "the bloke next to you wants to buy your slippers!"\n\nThat's enough from me!! enjoy!!
527416
One I know goes like this:\n\n"Pablito clavó un clavito. ¿Qué clavito clavó Pablito?"\n\nBy the way, myindigostar. Do you really think you're funny? You're not offensive to us Spanish speakers. You're just ridiculous.
426500
hahahhahahahahaa wdf .... ffs asl ?\n\nFYI LMFAO: laughing my fuck*ng as* off\n\n\nROFLMAO\n\n\nhttp://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Internet_slang
680952
From 'Planes, Trains & Automobiles' - John Candy and Steve Martin when they wake up in a cuddling position after having to share a bed in a motel (lack of money)...\nMartin:  '...Why did you just kiss me?\nCandy:  'I did?'\nMartin:  'Where's you're other hand?'\nCandy:  'Between two pillows'\nMartin:  'Those aren't pillows!!!'\nThen they jump and tear out of the bed and act all macho and discuss the 'Bears (football) Game'...all grossed out and embarassed!  These two guys together make it impossible not to laugh...I'd giggling just thinking about it all...
1162351
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL!!!\n\nIt's such an A M A Z I N G Joke :)\n\nGreat one Gurl!\n\nWe Want More, We Want More!
436537
Was that you, you son of a b*tch.  \n\nI was sneaking over to my best friends house to get some off his wife while he was at work.  \n\nShe was rather bold when she invited me over in a whisper right in front of him and their young son to party.  I thought to myself - sh*t yeah,  all my smooth well rehearshed lines combined with those years in the gym had finally paid off.\n\nI had fantasized for years about exactly what I would do  with her and was prepared to take full advantage of the situation.  \n\nI dressed in my very best clothes that I had just picked up from the tailor and started over to her place.  \n\nAs I am crawling through some bushes (her and her husband live right behind me) rather stealthily, I hear this whirling noise so I look up.  All of a sudden, literally out of the blue,  f*cking splat!!!!!!!!!!!!\n\nA godd*m cake came crashing down all over me, my clothes, my flowers, and my 20 pack of condoms.  Everything was covered.  \n\nTo make it worse,  birds started swarming down on me like locust and apparently your f*cking cake gave them a case of the sh*its.  \n\nBy the time they had pecked all of the frosting off me, I was covered with whelps and looked like one of the gargoyles on Notre Dame cathedral, completely covered with runny bird sh*t.\n\nHaving just taken half a bottle of Viagra before I began this f*cking nightmare, nothing was going to stop me from relieving my now raging erection.  I persevered only to find out the b*tch was serious when she said come over and lets party.  \n\nIt was her 5 year olds birthday.\n\nA pretty lousy day all around - thanks for nothing you f*cker.
699568
LMFAO :)) Where do you get all these great jokes? Absolutely hilarious
216059
AM I FUNNY ENOUGH? HOPE SO...\n\n1\n\nFresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.\n\nInstead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."\n\nWilling to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.\n\n"How long will this take?" she asks.\n\n"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.\n\nThe wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"\n\n"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"\n\nHe lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again..\n\n\n2\n\nMan driving down road.\nWoman driving up same road\nThey pass each other\nWoman yells out her window, "PIG!"\nMan yells out his window, "B.I.T.C.H!"\nMan rounds next curve\nCrashes into a huge pig in middle of road.\n\nThought For The Day : If only men would listen. \n\n\n3\n\nThe mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's \nhouse. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her \ndaughter-in-law standing naked by the door.\n\n"What are you doing?" she asked.\n\n"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the \ndaughter-in-law \nanswered.\n\n"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.\n\n"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.\n\n"Love dress? But you're naked!"\n\n"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it \nmakes me \nhappy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home \nfrom \nwork any minute."\n\nThe mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the \nway \nhome she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, \nshowered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally \nher \nhusband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.\n\n"What are you doing?" he asked.\n\n"This is my love dress" she replied.\n\n"Needs ironing." he said.\n\nHEHE>>HAVE FUN 2 YA GUYZ READING
405891
BINGO!!!! it is definately the funniest one i have ever heard and not b/c its mine i swear. anyone wanna explanation? i wil give it if you want, its really funny.
635835
YEAH, GO TO THE JOKES CATAGORY!!!