I feel very confused about my marriage, can you help?
409093
"I don't want to divorce him over something this minor. (He would be left alone)"\n\nThis doesn't sound minor to me.  I'm 34 and going thru a divorce right now for similar reasons.  My wife and I have been married for 5 years, and I've never loved another person so strongly and intimately; but I've discovered that I'm not sexually attracted to her.  I tried to tell myself that it was a simple problem, and that it wasn't worth ending the marriage; but over time (and through therapy) I've learned that I was manipulating myself, and her, trying to keep the working parts of our marriage in tact at all cost – and damaging our relationship along the way.\n\nMy opinion: you are not responsible for his feelings, and you are not a bad person if you "leave him alone".  He's an adult, and can only benefit from facing this situation honestly.  How rewarding is this marriage going to be for him (or you) if your relationship isn't completely honest?  \n\nCHEAP ALTERNATIVE TO THERAPY\nTry 12 step meetings.  Not AA, but AlAnon, or better yet, CODA if it's available in your area (Codependents Anonymous).  You'll find yourself in a room full of people who are facing similar problems head-on, supporting one another without any bullsh*t.\n\nHope this isn't too preachy.\n\n:^|
560058
Before you take advice from people you don't know.  You need to first listen to you.  If you love him and think you can make this marriage work, then try to work things out.  \n\nYou are right, the 1st year (and a few more) are hard, but that doesn't mean give up! I read your other question, and I don't think you got the "best" advice.  Consider the sources... (and here I'm talking and you don't know me from the rest of them!) \n\nBut I will say, go to someone who knows the two of you, someone who can be a voice of reason. And have that person mediate the issues you are having with your husband.  A good councilor will be able to help you there.  Find one. \n\nMy marriage ended over stupid stuff.  Things that could have easily been handled in an adult way, and fixed.  If you love your husband, go the hard road and try to forgive and get to the bottom of your issues.\n\nFor the fourth time tonight, I will suggest a few books that I believe could have saved my marriage if I had them before it was over...\n\n1. The Five Love Languages- Probably my favorite... it talks about the different "languages" of love we can offer to each other. Everyone has one or two that are their main love language, and if you are not communication to you spouse in THEIR love language, then they probably won't feel loved... great book.\n\n2. Love and Respect- it talks about the different needs of a husband and a wife. It relates to each of you. It's split in certain areas to directly talk to you and to your husband. It talks about how women see things thru "pink glasses" and men see things thru "blue glasses". It's eye opening...It's wonderful.\n\n3. Friendship Factor- This one is SO basic. It was like a light going off in my head each time I turned a page. It helps you realte to others better as WELL as your husband.\n\nI would read them in that order...together with your husband. You can find them in the Christian/ Religious section of most bookstores. And don't worry, they aren't overly "holy" if you are weirded out by Christian books. It's just that God designed man and woman for each other, and boy oh boy does HE have some good principles to build on. The books are very relatable and easy to read quickly.\n\nGo get advice from a source that you can trust. Know that my heart is with you as you are suffering.  And I hope that you can see past this incident, and try to make some sort of sense of the issues you are having.
447946
I just answered your other question and I felt the need to answer this one too! Girl you are in a very emotional state right now, you need to cut all ties to this other man, this is why you are being so hard on yourself! You need to FOCUS! Stick to the topic at hand and that is that of your marriage! You need to start talking more to your husband and let him know you feel no emotional support from him and let him know how you are feeling (if you haven't already)!\n\nThere are alot of people that both of you have involved involuntarily, they did not ask to be in the situation, you need to be the adult here and finish what you started right? Do what YOU KNOW is right not what every one tells you too! I hope you do get some answers here that will help in your decision making, but ultimately the decision is yours to make. Good Luck to you!
1171086
It sounds like you're lonely and craving an understanding and intimacy that you're not getting from you wife.  Before you make a huge decision that will alter yours and many other people's lives, really think about what you're thinking about doing.  My guess is that you and your wife had a very passionate relationship that cooled down after you married.  Once you married, life's monotonous routine got in the way of passion and communication.  Now you're looking outside the marriage for that spark.\n\nBefore you act, do yourself and your wife a favor and talk to her.  Be honest about your feelings.  Maybe her job/friends/family etc... consume all her energy.  Maybe you'll find that she's just as lonely as you are.  Give her a chance to work with you to make your marriage work.  If you feel you can't talk to her, then suggest couples counseling.  If that fails, then I would consider the possibility of ending the marriage.  But before making that decision, please please please give you and her a chance.  Don't give up yet!
344145
Hmmm...I can not advocate that cheating on your husband no matter what the circustances are is right because if you are unhappy you at least owe it to him to voice your emotions and to move on. Just because you don't have a good relationship does not mean that his feelings should be neglected just to satisfy your own. Since you two have been together for quite some time don't you think that you owe him that much to be honest? You say that he treats you badly and that you are unhappy but I'm sorry that doesn't justify your cheating in anyway especially considering that you have no children involved that might cause you to be stuck in staying. As for the guy that you are seeing now, maybe you are in love and perhaps a future with him will be great but you are more or less in that fairytale stage of a relationship where they can do no wrong and this will fade. If this is something that you honestly feel is worth pursuing in order to make yourself happy then go for it by all means. Just remember that your happiness does not need to be based on a man and that you can find it yourself no matter what the outcome. I think that the betrayal and hurt is going to be worst for your husband who has no idea of what is about to surface and that for you it might be hard but that you'll make it since you have realized that this marriage is no longer what you want. I'm in no way trying to put you down or belittle you for your actions because it happens to the best of us since we are all only human but I would definitely consider your situation a little further and make sure that this guy just doesn't look like a better option because you dont really have the repsonsbilities and obligations that you share with your husband. There are no stings attached at this point with this new guy so it makes it all light-hearted and fun and if you do both embark on a relationship (especially a long distance one) there will be difficulties that will eventually come along. I would suggest taking some time out for yourself once you get a divorce and not rush into anything too quickly. I think that you need to hash out somethings with yourself instead of seeking comfort from a man that is merely supplying what is lacking in ur current relationship. Obviously if you decided to get married to your spouse, these feelings at one point or another were there with him and look at what has become of that. I think you need to just really spend some time with yourself and getting to reaquainted with your independent single self before finding an identity in someone else. I'm sure you are a good person and I hope that whatever choice you make that you will find the happiness that you seek. Just remember the feeling of everyone else involved and don't let your heart do all of the thinking for you during a time when you need to use your head. Best of luck to you:)
552507
An infatuation which wll ruin your marriage. You're supposed to be a grown man, yet you sound like a child who can't control himself. Do you really want to ruin your marriage, his marriage and your friendship with him? Not a good idea at all. I think it's best to see a therapist as they can help you understand what you are feeling and you can think a little clearer on the issue. Then hopefully you can make the best decision, but trust me, making a pass at him could freak him out and the last thing you want is for him to feel uncomfortable around you.
158736
These are really hard shoes you are asking us to put ourselves in....I don't think any of us could say for sure what we would do unless we were actually in this postiton. Try to take time to think about the information you have learned, what were the circumstances in you marriage at the time. Determine how your relationship has been since then. Was the affairs with different women or one? How did you find out, by mistake or did he tell you? Why did he tell you after all these years? Is he looking for a way out or has he been consued with guilt all these years and wanted the truth to be told? You have alot of questions to sort through in your mind, and in your heart. The best advise I can give you, is to listen to your heart. Give yourself a little bit of time to digest everything, right now the hurt, humiliation, betrayl, and disgust are fresh wounds, and might cause you to lash out and do something you really don't want to do just to hurt him. I am sorry you have to go through this hurt, I wish you luck love and happiness.
1060538
dont wry i think u had ur marriage in a hrry did u n ur hubby think about it 4 enuf tym????\nwell if he did then jst believe in him sweety i know guys r lyk dat try 2 convince him dat ull b always happy 2gether\nmake him believe dat ur decision 2 marry was ryt!!!!!!!\nn try 2 bring back the spark o ur lyf vich i think must b lost in ur marriage!!!!!\nor he realy luvs u lyk nethin n dats y hes insecure dat hes not able 2 giv u proper tym n thus u may not b happy wid him n he really wants u 2 b happy coz he really luvs u!!!!!!!!!!
634090
Many things.  \n\nA couple I can't tell you about (but praise God for forgiveness and second chances).\n\nThe thing I can tell you about is being an absolute rubbish husband for about 4 years of our marriage.  I was controlling, uncaring and put down my wife.  I even made her do all the work with the baby.  Thank God He changed me (though it took my wife being hospitalised for clinical depression to realise it) and for the marriage course that also helped my wife forgive me and helped me to see what a git I was.  http://themarriagecourse.org/marriage/\n\n4 years on we are now a different couple - and very much in love. When she talks about some of the stuff I said then, I simply can't believe it - it seems so alien now!
279374
Well ive never been threw it but ill be more then happy to give you my 2 cents with out calling you a slut, i think part of it is your husbands fault for not making sure you have what you need, now i know alot of people are going to scream for me saying that but its the truth, in a marriage part of our job is doing everything possible to make sure our partner is getting everything we need from them emotionally or sexually. Thats just the way it works for a healthy marriage, The only bit of advice i could give you not being actually in that situation is to eather pick on or the other, i can see you feeling even more torn when your feelings for this other guy are fostered even more and you cant act on it, not to mention the emotional and sexual frustrations that can easily bring. I can understand why you turned to this other man for support you wernt getting at home. But i can only see you hurting yourself in the long run if you dont cut ties with one of them. That is unless you totally dont love your husband anymore and your just in it for everything youve envested on a tangable level that you dont want to lose. But honestly do you think if you bumped this relationship up with this other guy you would be able to continue this double life, i hate to label it that way but thats the only thing i can think of to call it right off the top of my head, but i think you understand where im coming from. You need to set a game plan in your head on where you want to go in life if things with this other guy keep developing, what happens if this guy says ok ill chuck my marriage will you chuck yours? what if he talks about you guys meeting and making a full flaired affair? What if your husband finds out about whats going on how will you respond? How will your husband? Im not saying i know what you should do or what you need to do, but if i were you i would get a clear picture of what i wanted from your husband or from this other guy. Do you think there would be a possiblity you would be more happy in your marriage if your husband started to work with you on your problems with the marriage? Do you think there is any hope for you marriage now? Do you think your husband is doing the same thing you are on some sort of level? IF he was how do you feel about it? I think you need to ask yourself these kinds of questions and in deep deep detail figure out what you want to do, i dont think anyone in here can really answer those kinds of questions and give you any much more of a clear picture then you seriously thinking about this i wish you all of luck and i really hope you get something figured out on this *HUGS*
791334
Sounds like your husband should go to counseling with you.  Try and ask him if he'd go to marriage counseling with you.  It might just save your marriage.
720270
ok, if you have to ask then you already know. NO IT"S NOT RIGHT!!!! Ugh, you are destroying your own family out of selfishness. Women like you are called house-breakers. Ever heard of that? Your husband obviously loves you, he married you!! It's clear that the feeling isn't mutual though. You are causing so many problems for yourself and you don't even know it. I feel sorry for your husband...he deserves better and you deserve a reality check. Wake up....you're wrong!
115769
When did your feelings change?\n\nWhat happened outside of your marriage at that time?\n\nYou may simply be looking for an excuse to leave him.  Your likely some where around 30 and that is a tough time in a marriage or out.\n\nKeep in mind that marriages take a great deal of work and nearly all of them have challenging periods.  That’s when you knuckle down and find a way through the tough times.  Your feelings changed once and they can change again.  Just imagine yourself ten years down the road after you have left him, simply because you didn’t try to work through a tough patch.  \n\nIt sounds as if everything else is okay and since you’re the one disturbed, maybe it is you.  If it is you, you might consider that your feelings toward him are relative to your feelings toward someone else.  \n\nMy wife and I have been together 51 years and married 46 years.  It has taken lots of work through tough times, but somehow it has maintained.
816869
Hi, has he always been like this or is it just the spell you've been arguing.\nMarriage is hard work and needs constant nuturing from both sides to feel loved by the other side.\nSome people (men and women) have difficulty in expressing themselves, is this your husband?\nIf so, maybe you accepting this as him and noticing the other ways he does express love will help, but there is nothing like a hug and hearing how we are loved so do understand where you are coming from.\nA husband and wife will either knit together over the years or move in opposite directions (like my ex and I) but for it to work you must be moving in the same direction. \nTalking to him and continuing to express yourself, your love is all you can do really, and hope he hears you before you change, because you will in time.\nMaking time for those special moments will also help, there is always another little trick we can pull out the hat to surprise him, reveal another mystery about yourself-try it-remind him of why he got with you. ;)\nJust keep trying until he either wakes up or loses out with the woman he fell for and married, I wish you both luck xxx
1088074
Oh! Dear, mh!. You are suffering from a so-called “blindness of nature and reality”. The background of friendship lines and marriages, are far-far apart. You cannot feel the hotness of a liquid without a media. \n\nThe very same mistakes, many of us committed before we got married which result to an endless selectiveness efforts. You know why, many of us lied standardizes lines, that Our lovely ones must contains,  and get stuck if one least line misses. Hopeless thought.\n\nListen now, I assure you, that is a best husband for you. The inner of you confess it but surroundings doubts. Those surroundings disappear as the momentum of marriage life set to operate.  I suppose you close some tool monitoring your standards, co’se your mind-knowledge filled with blank entities you don’t fully defines them.\n\nI Evidently assured you that, People who are living together without an authorized marriage (no matter how long they are or how many kids they produce) , people who share a “hidden love”(day-night see you..bye.), and all the “fonicas” committers, all such groups knows nothing within authorized marriage. They define marriage as a fucking game. That is all.\n\nMarriage is a decree, principled from God, from there now, definitely you can get the divinity; 1+1=1\n\nContact me via  Bihagaze@yahoo.co.uk    for more
1128849
Take the time to sit and talk about your feelings. Make sure he understands that you care about what he doing, not just nagging. It is you right to know what is happening and when. If he loves and cares for you as well then he will listen and be compassionate of your feelings. Don't ever be afraid to show true emotions. Healthy relationships and marriages are based on emotions and feelings. If both parties are misunderstood then solutions become harder to achieve.\n\nHope this helps\nMatt
106635
of course first of all you must talk to your husband. tell him all that you know about his computer "games" and tell him how he makes you feel and how he has been treating you. give him time to talk. be open honest and blunt. if you are blunt to him he will be to you. don't spare andy feelings this is your life if things don't work out with your husband then take it from there but don't betray him even if things turn for the worse (divorce) my advise is spend less time with the friend ( i know it will be hard) and more time with the family. Try to salvage your mariage before you indulge your short term desires. Be patient and have will power. GOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS