What can I add to this essay to improve it?
403418
I agree that you should have something in there other than academic related material. People who give away scholarships want a well rounded individual not just someone who has done well in school. They want to know you excel socially also. What extra activities have you participated in: sports, clubs, jobs you've had for example. You say you want to give back to society. Well I feel the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. What things have you done to already give back to your community? Anyone can write, "This is what I will do" however not many people can say, "This is what I have done and will continue to do." Dont get me wrong. I like your essay however if you want to win there needs to be more. Something on that paper has to catch someone's attention. Honestly, I feel what you have written will get lost amongst the other entries. They all will sound about that way. Have you thought about including personal stories about yourself within the essay?\n\nAnother thing, the following sentence you wrote doesnt totally make sense to me - "By informing the encouraged students of today and tomorrow, we are allowing for them to establish a better future for all mankind." Does encouraged students need to be informed or discouraged ones need to be informed? If someone is already encouraged arent they already informed? They already know what they need to know so they dont need encouragement. Discouraged individuals are those that need information. I could be reading this wrong, however, if I have a problem with that sentence someone else might also. Just something to think about. I like how you used the word catalyst though.... very good use of the word. Well with all that said, you did a great job on your essay. It is nothing to be ashamed of, however, if you want to win, there needs to be something more. I could be wrong though.... You never stated what the essay was suppose to encompass. Go to a teacher like another poster stated who has experience in regards to this scholarship. I could be totally off of what is expected of you. I hope what I stated helped....
377212
What does the essay have to be about?
768124
The key to writing an essay is inspiration and structure. Assuming you have a topic, gather what information you can about it, allow your mind to explore the boundaries of that information and see what intersts you about it, then write down a list of those things in th eorder that they appear to be connected. Think of how you can interst your reader in that subject, a catchy title and a few words of introduction. Then work your way through each of your main points (depending on essay length there shouldn't be more than three or four) saying something engaging about each. Now think how you can wrap up what you are saying to finish off with a neat ending. For me the ending always referred back to the introduction in some way and included the words of the title. That brings the whole to a satisfactory conclusion in arounded sort of way. You have posed a question for your reader and and answered it. Try to vary your sentence lengths so as not to be too clunky and keep the language simple. Use of long or obscure words may seem clever at first sight but if they are not in common use can look like bragging - and if you get the wrong meaning of them will only make you look silly. Write in a manner that can be easily read aloud without tripping over or hesitation and you should do well. Good luck - essay writing was my favourite.... And remeber to check your spellings!
863393
go back to your introductory paragraph. You should be rephrasing the introduction to tie it all together.
1027748
Form an outline of what you want the essay to cover. (You can do this while your at work.) Figure out what you want to cover in each paragraph, figuring this is a five paragraph essay you should have your Intro, then 3 supporting paragraphs then your conclusion. You should also get plenty of sleep, drink lots of water and just suck it up and jump in. =) I know I procrastinate and overanalyze and get down on myself for not doing instead of just doing it. Good luck!
179665
What will you be addressing in your essay?  I'm assuming you are addressing the pros/cons?  \n\nAdd more detail to your question and I will come back and respond.
47653
If this a formal essay paragraph, stay away from idioms such as "pick of the bunch", "friend for all seasons", and "fair-weather one".\n\nDoes the prompt to this paragraph deal with religion or God?  If not, abstain from mentioning that.\n\nAs the other guy said, your conclusion should summarize what you said and restate your thesis, or main point.  You could possibly be relating each characteristic listed in your conclusion to a support previously mentioned, but those don't relate too well.\n\nAnd don't use big words when nice, smaller ones will do.  When people see big words such as cordiality and magnanimity, they just think "huh?" and move on.\n\nExplain your support a little better and clearer.  What does it mean to have one's "moral principles" "in conformity with each other so you have the minimum contrast"?\n\nIf you're going to say a proverb, be sure to explain it and how it supports your thesis.\n\nGood luck editing and hope this helps!
452839
In the introduction, give a general idea of the issue, question, or ideas you are going to write about. It's especially good if you can get in a "hook" or attention grabber to capture people's interest. For example, "By the year 2060, ninety percent of the country of Bangladesh may be underwater."\nIn the conclusion, summarize your point of view and bring closure to the essay.  \nHere's a website with hints on essay writing.\nhttp://members.tripod.com/~lklivingston/essay/
939126
I agree with the poster above, try to come up with an interesting fact about TJ, then weave that into your intro while at the same time introducing what's to come.  Try to pick a fact that you could use at the end to close and summarize in the same way.
849448
First disregard everything people have said up to this point. I hope you havent even read it yet. If you listen to me you will have no problems. If you go by the guidelines im posting then your paper should be brilliant.\n\n\nYour argument essay should be writtin in this format:\n\nIntroduction-\n Your introduction is the first paragraph in your essay. In an argument essay this will be that part where you explain the status quoa of your topic.. If your topic was was obeisity(the world wide epidemic of being over weight) then you would start of along the lines of saying how many people are overweight and how many people are estimated overweight in your country or in the world. Use some statistics or good information to get the reader engaged in the reading. Then explain why everyone is obeise, for example we have more fast food places and they are using more preservitaves. But your argument essay must be arguing something.... So... the last sentance in your introduction has to be your thesis. This will be your argument... In this case it could be "All fast food resteraunts should be required to adopt healthy foods" The next three paragraphs will be your body.\nBody- All of the body paragraphs are in the same format. Your first line in each will be the other side of the argument. For example the first sentance can say "Many people say that its not the fast food companies fault for making people obeise its themselves". The next 5-8 lines can be your side saying that the average american adult has barely any free time in their life etc etc.\nDo this for the next three paragraphs. Make sure your side is always stronger. After all the only point in an argument essay is to persuade the reader to think the way you do, and making you "win" their idea on the argument.\n\nConclusion-In the conclusion your first sentance can reflect back on the essay in a question. Your question could be in this case " Should fast food resteraunts add healthy foods?" Then give supporting evidence to support your side of the question. We could say "If Fast food resteraunts dont add more healthy options many humans including kids will die from obeisity and over weight related problems" etc etc. I hope you have read all of this and it was clear. \n\nIf you have any more questions email me. whatthefarick@yahoo.com
996969
Your question is PERFECTLY illustrates the point of this assignment.  The whole idea behind the essay is:  THINK FOR YOURSELF.\nCan you do that? Look at how dependent you are on extracting info from the Internet without actually processing it. Can you learn to think for yourself or even evaluate what you read?\nHint: If you describe your own struggle to research this essay assignment, you'll have a good place to start.
747465
write about what makes the school a great school and why you want to go there.   Include all the educational type stuff you can think of instead of things like "because it's the closest".\n\nWhat's the essay for?  If it is a class placement type thing where they want to see what level English you need, write about whatever you want to.  Double check your spelling, punctuation, run on sentences, etc
846368
HI!\nThe very fact that u r using the net to find homework help, should give u ideas. I could probably give u a brief that u need to elaborate upon. Since your essay is about change, you could have both the pros and cons mentioned in it. And you can make it humorous too. I will write the brief and post it in the next hour, till then u could do a little thinking too.
506741
As justcurious said, first just begin writing.  Get some thoughts written down.  Try to make it very personal.  Don't try to use lots of complicated words and phrases - remember that the people who have to read the essays will probably have to read hundreds of them, so you want to find a way to make yours stand out.  Your writing must be clear and to the point.  Definitely don't go over the word limit - shorter may be better.  When you start deleting and editing, make sure that every word you keep in your essay has a purpose and conveys something about your intent and need.  Have you been given a specific topic, or is it a general essay about your eligibility for aid?  That makes a difference.  Get someone who is a good writer to help you edit as it can be very difficult to edit your own writing.  Print your essay in a good clear font on good paper if you have to send a paper copy.\n\nI hope these thoughts help.
922487
It will help to organize your essay and ensure you answer all parts of the question if you divide your paragraphs like the question.  You could have a paragraph about Mulan and Chinese History (writing about the Huns, emperors, methods of fighting, etc.), Mulan and Chinese Beliefs (beliefs about their ancestors, family roles, etc.), and Mulan and Chinese Culture (the tea with dinner, the house of the ancestors, the statues in the garden, the way Mulan is expected to act, etc.).  Because many of the categories overlap (ie. History/Culture and Culture/Beliefs) it will be easier to connect the ideas of your paragraphs.  Good Luck and I hope that helps!
218298
Is this your own assignment?  What I would do first is see if there is any certain topic you have to find for class.  Let's use English as our subject.  So, find a book that you like and find a long paragraph!  The main idea is the main point that the author is trying to get across.  This is usually in the first or the last sentence.  Then the supporting details are the ones that give more meaning to the main idea.  \n\nAn exmaple:  A main idea would be, "Tom Thumb is a small man."  and your supporting details would be, "He is so small that he is only the size of someone's thumb.  He got lost in my pocket once!  A cat mistook him for a mouse!"\n\nAfter you read the supporting details, you understand exactly how small Tom is.  The next paragraph might have the main idea about how Tom is funny.  The next might be about how Tom eats a lot of food.\n\nThe other post is a good way of showing how when you write an essay or a book that all the main ideas get put together to form one big idea.  All of my examples put together could be an essay with the main idea, or subject, about, "The Man Called Tom Thumb."\n\nHope this illustrates your questtion!  Good luck with main ideas... you are on your way to being a great writer!
928903
If you read a newspaper or go to a site like cnn.com, you will see US and world current events.  Choose one that interests you.\n\nNext, write down some words or phrases about the event.  Are the similar, or leading in a particular direction?  This would be your thesis statement, which should be at the beginning and conclusion of your essay/paper.\n\nHere are some ideas - \n*Sending more US troops to Iraq will hurt not only Iraq and the US, but also the entire MidEast region.\n*US consumers have become more materialistic in 2006, spending money and time on things that are shallow and temporary.  (PS3 and wii come to mind . . .)\n*Coastal regions are very anxious about tsunamis, and overreact at the slightest indication of a "killer wave."  [Or, the opposite - look at what happened recently in Crescent City, CA.]\n* Money spent rebuilding New Orleans without putting effective flood control in place is wasted.\n*If NASA keeps losing Mars vehicles, they shouldn't be trusted to take us back to the moon or to other places.\n\nChoose something that you feel strongly about, and it will make your paper better.