Funniest story about You and wildlife...?
404582
I used to live on a farm that had a lot of cats...one day far off in the field i see one and start saying "here kitty kitty kitty"..walking towards it...then it starts not walking, but running towards me. When it gets close enough, I realize it's not a cat but a mother GROUNDHOG with a den nearby. I never knew that groundhogs could run that fast, but what's more amazing is that I didn't know I could either. LOL Needless to say, the groundhog got tired of chasing me and I got safely in the house. Moral of the story? Just cuz it looks like a cat don't mean it's a cat.
355315
One fine sunny day the Lion felt rather strong and wanted to test his prowess. As he went about the African Jungle with thick canopying trees, the Lion met the Monkey, stopped and asked him: "Who is the King of the Jungle?" The Monkey bowed and answered "You Sire".\n\nFeeling proud and reassured the Lion saw the Hyena and repeated the question to the Hyena who again confirmed that indeed the Lion was the King of the Jungle.\n\nThe Lion then noticed an Elephant two storeys high. Resting under the shed of a Mopani tree, chewing cud.\n\n"Who is the King of the Jungle?" the Lion briskly demanded of the elephant. Before the Lion could finish asking the question, the elephant swooped the Lion off its feet and threw it against the Mopani tree.\n\nBefore the Lion could shake his senses back, the elephant picked it up again and beat it against a rock.\n\nThe Lion managed to extricate itself from the powerful grip of the elephant truck, stood at a distance and said: "No, no, no, you do not have to be so nasty and violent, just because you do not know the answer".
822360
Hehe...I LOVE SICK JOKES!  Sexy bear that wont die...hilarious and original!  I give u a 100 on a scale of 1 to 10!  I'd like to meet that bear sometime!  But im just a sick person, anyway, lol...
846048
funny =) gave me a giggle!
486402
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding\nthe plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.\nEager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"\n\nShe turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."\nHe swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!\n\nStruggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he said. "What myths are those?" "Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who\nis most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men\nof Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."\n\nSuddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this\nwith you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
528931
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you".\n\nHe nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you. " Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.\n\n"Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.\n\n"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you. "The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"\n\n"Moses," Replied the bird.\n\n"Moses" the burglar laughed.\n\n"What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"\n\nThe bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!
1073136
Once upon a time there was a stupid llama, who wanted to be a platypus.\nthe Platypus asked"Why do you wabnt to be a platypus,especially since they are ugly?"\nThe llama replied"because they have poisonous skin and can kill my enemies"\nA duck walks in the forest carrying Platypus juice.\nthe llama sees him and drank it.\nThe Platypus travelled time to turn into a human.\n\nThe llama waited and waited to turn into a platypus, but instead he turned into a duck.\nThe duck was happy to have a companoin, but the llama wasn't.\nThe duck lived happily ever after,but the llama was sad.\nThe damaged you've inflicted to my hair is bad.\nThe platypus said"I'm coming back for all the dead"\nthe duck said"Will I take you home with me"\nthe platypus replied"I'm taking back the life you stole"\nWe never got that far and we'll be together again, will survive throught the night.\nJust you and nothing else remains.\n\nTHE END!!!
433965
here's a joke: \n\nThe Old Poodle \n\n A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in\nAfrica, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles,\nalong for the company. \n\n One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and\nbefore long, Cuddles discovers that she's lost.\nWandering about, she notices a leopard heading rapidly\nin her direction with the intention of having lunch. \n\n The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep shit\nnow!"  Noticing some bones on the ground close by, she\nimmediately settles down to chew on the bones with her\nback to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard  is\nabout to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy,\nthat was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are\nany more around here?"  \n\n Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in\nmid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he\nslinks away into the trees.  "Whew!", says the\nleopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had\nme!"  \n \nMeanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole\nscene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this\nknowledge to good use and trade it for protection from\nthe leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees\nhim heading after the leopard with great speed, and\nfigures that  something  must be up. The monkey soon\ncatches up with the leopard, spills the  beans and\nstrikes a deal for himself with the leopard. \n\nThe young leopard is furious at being made a fool of\nand says, "Here,  Monkey, hop on my back and see\nwhat's going to happen to that  conniving canine!"\n \nNow, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the\nmonkey on his  back and thinks, "What am I going to do\nnow?", but instead of running,  the dog sits down with\nher back to her attackers, pretending she  hasn't seen\nthem yet, and just when they get close enough to hear,\nthe old poodle says: "Where's that d@mn monkey? I sent\nhim off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!" \n \n Moral of this story..\n  Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will\nalways overcome  youth and skill! B@llshit and\nbrilliance only come with age and  experience!
183885
Here is a story I told someone on here recently that wanted a laugh....it usually cracks people up. It is totally true...\n\n\nOne day, my brothers and sister in law were driving down a country road. They were behind a pick up truck for quite a while and noticed he was driving pretty slow. It was really windy out that day, so they just assumed it was an old man driving the truck and he was scared to drive fast in the wind, lol....\n\nanyway, all of the sudden a big gust of wind came and tore the plastic bed liner out of the back of the pickup truck. It goes flying up in the air and was spinning in circles all over the place. They slowed down and just watched it flying in mid air for a good 30 seconds. All of the sudden it went flying toward the ground and ended up hitting this guy on his lawn mower in the back of the head! The poor guy was just out mowing his lawn and all of the sudden something hits him from nowhere! Can you imagine what he was thinking? \n\nJust picturing the whole thing happening is hilarious.\n\nOh, by the way....long story short, the guy was ok.
1091812
Nature sure has a sence of humor. I had a dog that was so gay. He was in love with my Redneck neighbor's dog. They were totally in love. My neighbor couldn't handle having a gay dog and built a pen so his dog couldn't jump my fence anymore. His dog wouldn't jump into anyone elses yard or out into the hood. He would come over and make sweet love to my dog. I had another male dog in my yard then as well and my other neighbor had two females. The females would jump my fence and get down with my other male dog. My gay dog and the Redneck's dog would have nothing to do with them. Thinking back on it, I had a backyard brothel.....
535730
FLESHSNAKE!! ROTFLMAO\n\nThat is f@ckin hilarious!
207680
what do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhino?\nElefino! Ha Ha corny I know, but did you laugh?
464772
You're super duper crazy!!!!!That is the funniest story I've ever heard!hahahahahahahahah.
803902
One of my personal favorites is from "Zoolander":\n"You can derelict my balls, capi-tan." LOL!!!\n\n*Edit*\nOh, I just thought of another funny one from "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective":\nLois: "How would you like it if I made your life a living hell?"\nAce: "Well, Lois, I'm not quite ready for a relationship right now, but maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911?" LOL!!!\nPs. Thanks for the great question. You should get some funny answers.
399355
"were both farmers!" hehehe i love that joke!!!cracks me up everytime!
1110872
My mate likes to use cheesy chat up lines here is some of his favourites.\n\n     Hey Baby. I may not be Fred Flinstone but I'll sure make your bed rock\n   \n     Are you a parking ticket?\n-Why?\n    Because you've got fine written all over you.\n\n    Did you here the one about the polar bear and the iceberg?\n\nSad hey\n-No\n    Neither did I, but it broke the ice. Didn't it?\n\nAnd the ultimate worst one he uses is\n\n    I might be the ugliest guy in here but I'm the only one talking to you
653613
A man met a beautiful woman and he decided he wanted to marry her \nright away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." \n\nHe said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." .....\n\nWhoops.\n\n\n\nOk, here is my real joke, the only other one I can remember in my flu delirium.\n\n...as told to me by my best friend when she was eight and I was ten...\n\nIf you are on the potty and you are not American, what are you?\n\nyou're-a-peein'.....