A friend of mine is having problems with her children. Can you help her ?
356088
I wrote and lost a very lengthy answer, (NOTE to all:..use sign in before answering anything to avoid this problem)\n\n I will try to summarize my previous thoughts.\n\nThe children are successful, and are most likely overwhelmed with their own daily pressures in their professions, they do not need more pressure from family.\n\nA mother who tends to be 'too caring', is one that may see their children's every success as her own, that is an unfair pressure to place or expect to be respected. She needs a focus of her own importance, children are not a hobby.\n\nThose specific words used to hurt may be because the children have been told how important their mothering bearing them was, or made to feel guilt because of their being born, hence the opposite words used to cause pain.\n\nFreedom should not be GIVEN, it was their right to have it all along, and way overdue. \n\nShe does care about them, she hurts from her own pride of not being seen as the most important influence at these moments in their lives. Many adults seem to want the relationships that they mold, instead of what they see being molded around them. She may need to find her own sense of accomplishments other than grasping on to her children's accomplishments being "IT", being proud of and taking pride in are two different things.\n\nSad, I do not doubt it, when you place all your focus so profoundly on a certain thing, and it causes pain, you want to run away, even cause pain back. She will survive, and even be stronger for it, and maybe even respect her children's wishes without adding more pressure to their lives. The children can not and should not base their own happiness on if they are pleasing their mother, they must please themselves first. They should not be asked to change themselves to please her either. \n\nWould I have said the same things in anger, probably, I did after all explode the night before being married, saying I would not have grandchildren to be pressured in the ways I had been.....Aaaahhhh.... Pressure... things are said, hurt is done, but family is family, and the PAST is the PAST, loved ones must be supported without adding a negative pressure or an expectation to live up to, a mother knows this, and should respect it at all times.
59069
I understand your worry.  How disabled is your daughter?  Is it possible for her to get along in a group home with others with her same condition where they have people to help and monitor the situation? Maybe to start introducing her to prospective situations or people now so that she is familiar with them.  Do you belong to a religious community?  Since I don't know how much help your daughter needs its hard to think of ideas but you are welcome to e-mail me - I will try and help you think of ideas for the future.
1029837
I suggest being straightforward with the people and tell them right off that they cannot use those words around youre children. whether theyre youre friends or not(i dont know) you should still tell them immediately to stop
789614
I suggest the school counciler or maybe someone in your church. The best thing that could happen would be if they did tell. What if this same person has moved on to another child now? And you can be the one to help that child. God Bless you and have mercy for what some jackass has put you through.
118522
The best thing your friend can do for both her and her kids is to LEAVE this jerk.  I am assuming that they are married,\nin which case she needs to go and file for divorce ASAP.  Most judges will award custody and other things asked for by the petioner (the person who files), unless it can be deemed that she is not fit.  If she cannot afford an attorney there should be legal aid to help her.  Also, there should be some sort of spouse abuse organization that she can go to and they can offer her help to get out of this relationship as well as support.  There doesn't have to be physical abuse for this organization to help--any kind of abuse that anybody suffers will qualify for help, it doesn't even have to be at the hands of a spouse.\n\nYour friend is going through a real hard time and it's going to be hard for a while.  Having support from people such as you will help her get through this.\n\nThe best thing she can do is when he's at work pack things up that she and the kids need and that mean the most to her and split AFTER she has filed for divorce/custody and BEFORE he is served the petition.  She will need a safe place for both her and her kids to go, and it would be helpful if it's someplace he wouldn't think about looking for them at.  Keep things on the down-low....only the key people need to know where they are at and other details.\nIf he fights things in court things could get ugly, and she will need even more support from people like you. You and other people who are close to the situation may even need to testify that you have witnessed this man's abuse.\n\nWith the support of friends like you, your friend will be able to leave the abuse and make a better life for her and her kids.
675364
i would try to talk to her, what she thinks the way she lives now will lead her to and if she really wants that, also to be surrounded by people that are like her,...I've seen on TV where a nanny dealt with a child like that, and the nanny stole something from her, just to make her see how it is if something gets stolen. Then the nanny gave it back. The child didn't know for a long time where it was.\nI dunno? Tell her she must reason for her own good?...hm..
686051
This is really really tuff!!! I was once in a similar situation. The mom decided to raise baby on her own however the out come was a beautiful child who is being raised by her now independent mom. You are not God nor are you blood family. What if you help her and she later tells her mom are you willing to risk the friendship you have with the mother.  What if you help her and something goes wrong? Your Friend will never forgive you. Tell mom and be there for both of them if they need help. Honesty is always the best way to deal with things. Problems are always bigger until out in the open where you can deal with them.  A MOM Myself.
331339
Your right this situation is very hard on kids! When both parents have dual physical custody it's usually because one parent doesn't want to pay child support, so they fight for joint physical custody. The kids aren't thriving in this environment because it offers no stability. The rules and expectations change from house to house! Have your friend talk to a professional at her local courthouse (they offer free legal advice). If the kids are in school and are having any problems, she needs to get the school and district involved. Another option is having the children see a therapist/play therapist to work out their frustrations with their living situation. Therapists are great advocates to have! In the meantime continue to support your friend and listen when she needs to talk. Tell your friend I said good luck!
805799
contact her/your doctor, childline, social services, her parents or anyone who has a close and/or professional medical relationship with her who can talk to her and give her the support and advice that she needs
1109783
It is your house you have the right to set limits.  And since there are children involved, I say ABSOLUTELY give her the boot.  This is not healthy behavior and could be damaging to your children.  Tell her she is a grown woman and needs to stop acting like a lovestruck teen and deal with this in a mature fashion, and in her own home!
923591
Ask a good friend to babysit for you...in exchange, you could watch her kids when you can, or find another such local babysitting exchange
1108582
Turn her a_s in. By doing nothing you are feeding the problem and by not ratting her out you are allowing one more bum the ability to dig into our pockets. The fewer people we have to support the more we get to keep for our families. Let the Welfare fraud line know that she is living with a man that makes enough to support her and her 3 kids; they will investigate and act if necessary.
543233
I know what your Friend is going thru. Prayer is the only thing that can help her. I was surprised more people did not answer this. Maybe they did and maybe they did pray for her. Either way please keep me updated if at all possible. I am interested to know the outcome. I will pray for her!
929554
It sounds as if your friend suffers from serious depression. I know your intentions to help her are good, but if her condition is due to psychological causes there is nothing you can do for her. She definitely needs professional help. Can't you talk to her parent about this? They have to do something less it ends in a tragedy. I admire you for being such a wonderful friend to her. And believe me, one day she will be grateful too.
1024755
It is a huge change for them at such a early part of their life.  They feel that THEY are the reason for it.  Try to hang with your mate while the kids are so vunerable, but if you can't, at least be honest with them, so they know it's not THEIR fault.  Ron
749961
your her friend and this is going to be tough but don't try to help her pass her drug tests by giving your sample of pee  Drug addicts are very manipulative people.Set some guide lines sit her down and tell her you will not lie for her and tell her not to treat you like a idiot by lying to you. Tell her you are only too happy to support her to help kick the habit. As for the baby i really feel sorry for the child especially when there are so many people who are childless out there and would love a child. Maybe it would be better to have the child placed in care until she gets her act together and cleans up. I know this sounds like tough love but you have to be for her sake
1071092
Yeah.  Here is one for everybody.\n\nLord, even though this young lady may not want to expose why she needs help, we pray that she gets over whatever is troublign her.  Please tocuh her and her family and help then get through their time of despair.\n\nAMEN