hi peepz.. k:... What did one grape say to the other grape...................?
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:) im here \n\nuhm nothing b/c grapes cant talk!\nor\nif it wasnt for you i wouldnt be in this jam!
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MAN YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE THIS.....I was going to give u some of my fine wine, but as i was typin to u, it spilled on me...damn.....so i guess i have to ask.....do anyone have some extra wine or anything i can get a buzz out of? lol
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Stinky,\n\nYour goldfish is sleeping with my guppies in the Big Fish Tank of the sky, but I'm sure he enjoyed the beer and pepperoni we gave him.
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1) Joseph interprets the wine steward & the baker's dream\n\nOnce the wine steward & the baker had offended the Pharoah.The Pharoah put them in prison.One night in the prison the wine steward & the baker, each had a dream. When Joseph came to them they were upset as nobod cold explain their dream.\nThey explained their dreams.In the dream of the wine steward there was a grape wine in front of him with three branches on it. As soon as the leaves came out, the blossoms appeared, and the grapes ripened.He was holding the kings cup.So he took the grapes & squeezed the cup and gave it to him.Joseph said that this meant that the three branches are the three days. In three days the Pharoah would release & pardon him and he would give him his cup as he had been giving when he was a wine steward.\n\nIn the baker's dream , the baker was carrying three bread baskets on his head.In the top were all kinds of pasteries for the king, and the birds were eating them. Joseph answered that the three baskets were the three days and in three days the king would release him and have his head cut off! Then he wol hang his body on a pole, and the birds would eat his flesh.\n\nFor more information refer Genesis 40:23\n\n2) Joseph interprets Pharoah's dream \n\nThe Pharoah had dreamt that he was standing by the River Nile,\nwhen seven cows, fat & sleek, came up out of the river and began to feed on the grass.Then seven other cows came on the river-bank, and the thin kcows ate up the fat cows. Then the king woke up.He fell asleep again and had another dream. Seven ears of corn, full ripe, were growing on one stalk. Then seven other ears of corn swallowed the full ones. The king woke up & realized that it was a dream.He was worried in the morning & sent for all magicians & wise men of Egypt.He told them his dream but no one could explain it to him.Finally the wine steward suggested that Joseph cold explain his dream as he had also explained the wine steward & the baker's dream.The Pharoah called for Joseph & the Pharoah explained the dream.Joseph explained the dream to Pharoah.He told that both the dreams meant the same.The seven fat cows & seven ears of corn were seven years.The seven thin cows which came up later and the seven thin ears scorched by the deset wind are the seven years of famine.There will be seven years of great plenty in Egypt. After that, there will be seven years of famine, and all the good years will be forgotten, because the famine will ruin the country.The repitation of his dream was that the matter was fixed by God. \n\nFor more information refer Genesis 41:36\n\n3) Daniel's vision\nIn the dream of Daniel, the winds were blowing from all directions and lashing the surface of the ocean. Four huge beasts came out of the ocean, each one  different from others.\nThe first one looked like a lion, but had wings like an eagle. While he was watching the wings of the lion tore off. The beast was lifted up and made to stand like a man. And then a human mind was given to it.\nThe second beast  looke like a bear standing on its hind legs. It was holding three ribs between its teeth and a voice said to it," Go on, eat much meat as you can".\nAnother beast appeared. It was powerful, horrible, terrible flying.\nWith its huge iron teeth it crushed its victims and then it trampled on them. While Daniel in the dream was staring at the horns, he saw a little horn coming up among the others. It tore out three of the horns ther were already there. This horn was human eyes and a mouth that was boasting proudly.\n\n4) Vision of One who has been living for ever\nWhile Daniel was looking, the thrones were put in order. One who had been living for ever sat down on one of the thrones.his clothes were white as snow.His throne mounted on fiery wheels, wwas blazing with fire and a stream  of fire was pouring.Millions of people stood before him.The fourth beast was killed and its body was thrown in flames and detroyed.The other bea
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Ernie, where did you *dig* this one up? Thinking minds want to know!\n--Charles, "That Cheeky Lad"
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chuck girlfriend asked him how much would a wood chuck chuck if a wood chuck could chuck wood?\nchuck was so offended at her rhyming in her presence he killed her screaming don't fuck with chuck. three months later he realised the irony of the situation and laughed so hard a mountain fell over
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Me: (hands shaking, been trying to do this for weeks, been practically giving myself ulcers, so so nervous) Well there is something that I've been meaning to tell you and I'm sorry that it took this long for me to say it.  Maybe I should have said it sooner, but I can't take it back now... Diana is not my friend, she's my girlfriend, we've been together for almost two years now.\n\nMom: yeah, and?\n\nMe: And I'm bisexual\n\nMom: Well duh.  I'm not stupid.  (rolls eyes)  You two are just terrible at hiding it.  Every time she looks at you, you practically swoon and you hold hands under the table when you think no one is watching.  It's just about the most disgustingly cute thing I've ever seen.  \n\nMe: (long pause)  oh.  Well then.  So everything is ok?\n\nMom: Yeah (duh tone of voice).  Do you think we should have chicken ceaser salads for dinner?  Or maybe we should grill fish...
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There was a fox and a bear talking one night in the middle of the forest. The fox says, "Hey bear what kinds of animals did you eat today?" The bear answers, "I only had a dear and I shared it with my cubs. How about you?" \nThe fox replies, "I had a chicken from old McDonald's farm and sheep earlier today. I am stuffed."\nThe end
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Q: What do you get when you cross the pilsbury doughy boy and Raggety Ann???\n\nA: A little Redheaded B*tch with a yeast infection!  haha\n\n\nOK so a little sick but still funny :o) LOL
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*what do you call a four-hundred pound woman with a yeast infection?????            a whopper with cheese\n\n*what did one gay sperm say to the other?  \nhow we gonna find anything with all this shit around here?
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At the bar:\n(barkeep doesn't know how to make a Holy Bartender)\nAzrael to group: Anyone who knows how to make a Holy Bartender?\nHm. Well I do.\n(shoots bartender with uzi)
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i would say\nVan Der Sar:ma' cutie i missed u sooo much!\nReferee:not now pumpkin'...go!\n\nps:this is a joke dont take it so seriously
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A little girl ran crying to her mom asking for a glass of cider. "What do you want a glass of cider for ?" asks mom. "I've cut my finger on a thorn." ..... "So why the cider ?" asks mom. ..... "Well, I overheard my big sister saying whenever she gets a prick in her hand she cant wait to get it in cider." \n\nLOL
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electirc train can't blow smoke\nDes-my name\n\nQuestion: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?\nAnswer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. \n\n"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked, \n\n"Where did you get that?"\nThe pig replied, \n"I won her in a raffle!"\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.\n\nThinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.\n\nShe showed him the instructions on the tin, \n\n"For best results, put on two coats".\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.\nFirst Blonde: \n\n"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!\nSecond Blonde: \nWell you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.\n\n\nThe first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, \n\n"I think they could be bird tracks."\n\nThe second blonde went to look and said, \n\n"No, I think these are deer tracks."\n\nThey stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,\n\n\n"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling, \n\n"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.\n\nSure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said, \n\n"I can't take this, you're my friend."\nBut the blonde insisted saying, \n"No. A bet's a bet."\n\nThen the redhead said \n\n"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."\n\nThe blonde replied \n\n"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.\n\nWhen she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in
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What.................Did you say something...........
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I think the second time around the man should pull his waist line out for the donkey to actually see. How could the donkey see if the man was whispering in his ear? I know it could be implied it was done afterwards but the joke would run smoother if it were rewritten. Still not a bad joke. It's been a while since I've heard it.
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kind long but funny\n\n\nJohn invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother \ncouldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.\n\nOver the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started \nto wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye.  Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."\n\nAbout a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother \ncame to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. \nYou don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but \nI'll write her a letter just to be sure."\n\nSo he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."\n\nSeveral days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear \nSon, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that \nyou do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping \nin her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."\n\nLesson of the day: Don't lie to your mother.\n\n\nShe spent the first day packing her belongings into\n> > boxes,\n> >\n> > crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had\n> > the movers\n> >\n> > come and collect her things.\n> >\n> > On the third day, she sat down for the last time at\n> > their beautiful dining\n> > room table by candlelight, put on some soft\n> > background music, and\n> > feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a\n> > bottle of Chardonnay.\n> >\n> > When she had finished, she went into each and every\n> > room and stuffed\n> > half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar, into the\n> > hollow of all\n> > the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen\n> > and left.\n> >\n> > When the husband returned with his new girlfriend,\n> > all was bliss for the\n> > first few days. Then slowly, the house began to\n> > smell. They tried\n> > everything, Cleaning, mopping and airing the place\n> > out. Vents were checked\n> > for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.\n> > Air fresheners were hung\n> > everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set\n> > off gas canisters, during\n> > which they had to move out for a few days, and in\n> > the end they even paid\n> > to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing\n> > worked.\n> >\n> > People stopped coming over to visit.\n> >\n> > Repairmen refused to work in the house.\n> > The maid quit.\n> >\n> >\n> >\n> > Finally, they could not take the stench any longer\n> > and decided to move.\n> >\n> > A month later, even though they had ! cut thei r price\n> > in\n> > half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky\n> > house.\n> >\n> > Word got out, and eventually, even the local\n> > realtors refused to return\n> > their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum\n> > of money from the\n> > bank to purchase a new place.\n> >\n> > The ex-wife called the man and asked how things\n> > were going.\n> >\n> > He told her the saga of the rotting house. She\n> > listened politely\n> >\n> > and said that she missed her old home terribly and\n> > would be\n> >\n> > willing to reduce her divorce settlement in\n> &