What do you do when you are not in love with you husband at all and in love with someone else very deeply?
157340
The statistics say that 78% of people in unhappy marriages will find their marriage "very" or "quite" happy within 5 years if they stick it out.  Also, only 25% of single and divorced people find that they are “very” or “quite” happy with there life, this includes people who remarry.  So statistically speaking, your chances of happiness increase if you stay married to your husband.  However, you will never be happy or be able to fall back into love with your husband without putting in some work.  You can take the statistical chance and leave him for your other lover and risk being unhappy or you can cut the other relationship off and have a better chance of being happy and in love with your husband.  You are also running the risk of finding yourself in the same predicament that you are in now with your other person if you don’t tackle the underlying issues that you have.  You need to find out what causes you to fall in and out of love with people and deal with your issues with fidelity,  Bottom line, you are the only one who can make that decision, but weight the risks and benefits of each very carefully.
619782
Well first i would say that talking to him is all fine and well, but if you are not feeling the love he should relize this without haveing to talk to him about it. I trully believe that it would be nice to mention it to him but he overall reason may not be solved by just talking. If he is not makng you feel loved there is a real problem, and the harsh reality is that if someone comes along and starts paying you a little more attention than your own husband it may lead to problems.I trully believe that if a husband truly loves a wife unconditionally he will never have to have his wife feel not loved, if she does then he is not a good husband.Sorry if this sounds pretty rude but i like to be foward. I would close in saying that you will have to love your self first and if he does not appreciate you then he dose not deserve you.
433922
I'm sorry to hear your situation but I'm sorry too that you have a men like that. He dousn't deserve you, he should at least had cheated when he was away and not while he was station in your home town. That sure tells you something.\nWell it all depends what do you feel for your husband?\nask your self do you feel in love with your husband, do you like when he touches you and that will sure tell you the truth. From there you can easily tell if you are in love with the other guy or just getting  back at your husband. Lovers tend to make  you feel like your the only one and that they r your soulmates, but beware because its usually a big flame of passion \nI'm also in that situation and I have found out that I don't feel that I'm in love with my husband no more but I also have 2 little girls who I think about there well beign.\nMy husband also cheated on me but the difference here is that I cheated with my ex. He is married and has 3 kids and he told me that he loved me he asked me to go live with him that he would leave his family but I never agree I was afraid. Good thing I didn't left with him a month passed and he went back to his family. That show me he wanted only one thing and like I never gave it to him he grew tired and left\nSo my adviced to you is talk it through with your husband see where he stands but don't tell him you cheated too!!!\nand if you want to keep on with your lover cvuz I know is fun ;-) kind of makes you feel alive don't fall so easily be open minded that way you won't get hurt\na friend that cares\nsweet angel
72571
if you truly love your wife/husband, you wil undoubtedly want to keep them.  if you don;t know then you don;t love.  counseling won;t work.  seperation might give u a chance to fall in love with this person again.  if you're not game for that, divorce them.  it's unfair to both of you to stay married if there is no love.
1141366
don't runaway from yourself...try to face your problems...everything is in your mind...good or bad...if you don't want to do something nobody can help you...life's worth living...I know there are ways of dealing with problems but you are you a solution to my problem may not be the one for yours...try to see your innerself...the real you behind the borders...anger...sadeness...be honest to yourself...feel your power...try to find out the real reason that makes you feel this way...don't hide yourself ...the only thing that matters is you...if you are not happy you can not make anyone happy...you say you don't care about yourself,you don't like yourself....but you love your husband and this means you have love in your heart and this means you are a good person because you care about your husband and his feelings...you know you want to feel good...maybe it's easy to say I don't like myself but I feel you do like yourself so you write here and ask for help...if you are angry with someone try talking to him/her.you say that your mother has depression too and she didn't care about you...this is a bad thing isn't it not be cared by your mother but worst thing would be that you become just like someone you don't want to be...maybe you see yourself as if you are like your mother...you don't want to be in depression so try ...it may not be easy or fast to heal but it is not impossible ...sure you can...I feel you can...good luck.believe in yourself..you are a gift !
447946
I just answered your other question and I felt the need to answer this one too! Girl you are in a very emotional state right now, you need to cut all ties to this other man, this is why you are being so hard on yourself! You need to FOCUS! Stick to the topic at hand and that is that of your marriage! You need to start talking more to your husband and let him know you feel no emotional support from him and let him know how you are feeling (if you haven't already)!\n\nThere are alot of people that both of you have involved involuntarily, they did not ask to be in the situation, you need to be the adult here and finish what you started right? Do what YOU KNOW is right not what every one tells you too! I hope you do get some answers here that will help in your decision making, but ultimately the decision is yours to make. Good Luck to you!
642159
Your husband has put a huge strain on your marriage and you just finally had it, and now that you took it serious he wants to try. I don't blame you one bit. Counseling can help when two people love each other and their just having problems where they both want to work out. But he is a mental and physical abuser. He needs counseling by himself first to face his demons. But if you don't love him anymore then you just don't, you can't stay with someone you don't love and counseling is not going to make you love him. It's not only that you don't love him you probably don't even like him either. Feelings can come back when you see a change in a person but you have so much resentment towards him it's not going to take your healing awhile. That man has done some serious damage and that's hard to heal. I know everyone wants that everlasting marriage but you never think your spouse is going to turn on you, no one knows what the future has to hold for them when it comes to their marriage. Sorry this is happening to you, I wish all the luck and girl stand your ground, you'll be just fine.
179038
I am sort of in your situation, but in reverse.  I have started falling out of love with my husband.  I don't want to, and am trying very hard to prevent it.  I will tell you right now, I know why I feel the way I do, and have tried to tell him, but he just sees it as my nagging him.  When someone does something that hurts you, I believe that you should let them know so that he/she has the opportunity to recognize when it happens again, then stop it, or apologize if it does.  Well, the way it started with me: The failed attempts at communication and the fact that he acts like he doesn't have to lift a finger to keep this going...keep the flame alive so to speak.  I can tell you right now that the main reason why I am here is because I made a commitment to this man, but if I had not, I would have left him already.   Have you "listened" to your wife?  Does she feel loved?  Don't think that just because you come home to her every night she should feel priveliged.  Actually "make" her feel loved by doing the little things.  Open her doors (even as independent as some women are, this is still a sign of wanting to take care of her), write her a note, buy a card or flowers.  Take her out on "dates" even the movies is great.  Just hang out with her and talk about nothing, but have have fun.  She should be your best friend, the person you can joke and carry-on with...act dumb and laugh at and with each other.  Just let her know every day that you love her...genuinely.  Do not ever leave her or hang up the phone with a "byeloveyou".  Tell her "I love you and I will see you soon".  A lot of times the way you say something and the tone of voice say a lot.  If you are geniune, and let her know in your actions that you want to be there with her and be the one to take care of her, then she will do the same for you.  I may know what she is going through.  My husband says he loves me but more than not, I feel taken for granted and like an annoyance.  I can feel myself not wanting him anymore, and I can honestly say that I love him, but I am no longer in love with him. If you love your wife, give it everything you can with all of your heart.  Don't let her leave you (either physically or emotionally) thinking "I should have".
1070570
Be miserable, like I am. It wouldn't be so bad if the man I married loved and respected me. I guess that doesn't help you, but these things happen. Do what you need to do to make things right, if you can.
456068
You said that *you* want to work things out with your husband and that *you* realized that you still love him and he still loves you. What about the husband? Does he feel the same? That isn't clear.\n\nWhether or not you like breaking up with people, if you are going to date, it's something you must be prepared to do. Naturally things with the boyfriend went great, and of course he's in love with you - you're both on the rebound. That makes you more sensitive and considerate in a relationship. You don't have years of history with him yet, with the little unintentional hurts that can poison a wonderful relationship. \n\nIt's imperative that you break up with the boyfriend immediately if you don't plan to see it through with him. Children are involved. Be honest. You've only been with him 4-5 months, and it sounds like it started immediately after your husband left. Simply explain that while you like him, and things have been great, you started your relationship too soon, while you were still reeling from your husband leaving. Tell him that the time that has gone by made you realize you want to give it another chance with the husband. Be gentle but firm. If it helps, write out exactly what you want to say in a letter, and keep it handy. Then keep it in your pocket. When you tell him, if it becomes too... emotional... give him the letter and excuse yourself.
280894
Wow, that's tough.\n\nFirst off, are you having problems with your husband? Because the grass always looks greener if there are issues. If you do have issues with your husband I would suggest counciling, if problems are resolved then see how you feel about the other guy then. Concentrate on your marriage first, if you really love your husband then I would try to fix what you have and see where it goes from there.
726181
Once the passion has faded and you've been living under this bad cloud, it's hard to change your feelings about someone.  It's been a lot of water under the bridge.  With respect to you family and children, it might be too much to expect that you will find the magic again with your husband, even though you've become able to stand your own ground.  Contrary to those that will advise you to go to counseling and turn to religion, my guess is that it is a lost cause.  Thus your choice is to remain, yet life a double life which includes a discrete affair, or just part ways and move on.  Good luck with this decision, it's not easy for anyone.  Enjoy!
983837
Find a support system. Though a husband is supposed to be part of it. Get out there and make friends, people who share your interests and viewpoints. On the husband, make mentions of whats going on in your mind. He may feel as insecure as you do about living in this new place and may not know how to comfort you if he cannot do it for himself. Most people keep things inside and queitly seeth. Its rare to find people who can communicate well in a relationship. Find someway to open the lines.
1088474
I have decided after two marriages that there are different kinds of love, you do what makes YOU feel the best.  You won't be able to change your husband, and I know from experience, they may try to change, but it rarely works out, and if so only temporarily.\nIt ends up not being fair to either one of you.  Don't take a chance on losing your new love...........
1013251
Let's see . After thinking about this for a bit i would have to say it is because you are closer to your spouse then any other person usually in life. It hurts much more when someone you love and cherish hurts you then if it is someone you don't know as well or feel such a deep love for. God however commands us to forgive others or he won't forgive us and he won't even hear our prayers if we choose not to forgive. I would want to forgive my husband because if i were to do something to hurt him or make a mistake I would want him to forgive me. Forgiveness is a choice!
1118548
What about the rest of us who are not in love? What would you have us do? Really, I want to know?
724036
dont be so push and selfish, the man does not want to commit yet, \nbut then again you feel that you are going nowhere you love him but then you are not happy with that kind of situation, so i suggest move on to the other guy,test the waters see if you can be happy with him,you and the first guy you seem to be going nowhere find someone who makes you happy,and someone who is complete when he is with you,no need to get stuck with the first guy set him free, and let him set you free