I have an elderly aunt who doesn't think she needs to go to a retirement home..how do I handle this?
153985
I would never leave her in a retirement home, no matter how difficult it is dealing with her. Retirement homes are cruel as a concept, even if many of them are very nice, because you're basically sending people away from everybody they love. What the elderly usually want is to be with their families and friends.\n\nMy parents are still too young for retirement homes, but all of my grandparents died at their homes, with their family around them. I'll make sure the same happens to my parents, when the time arrives. And I hope the same for myself.
959312
First of all...God Bless your mother!  I commend her for what she is doing for your Grandmother!  We went through this same thing with my Grandma a few years back.  What we found what the best answer for us...and the least costly was...we hired a lady to live with and care for Grandma.  Most of her pay was room and board...paid her a small weekly wage, and she stayed 24/7 and only taking off 1 afternoon a week and every other weekend.  Then, we called an in home health nursing facility to come in daily for medication, bathing, anything the live in was not qualified to do.  The live in was responsible for meals, house cleaning, companionship, making sure her bed was clean.  (My Grandma was bedridden for the last 8 months she was alive)...this live in companion/caregiver enabled her to stay in her own home until she passed.  We found the live-in by running an ad in the newspaper. Please feel free to send me an email and I will go into more detail.  By the way..we are in Indiana.  I would be glad to help you research and answer any questions I can.  This is a very tough situation for everyone involved.....My Prayers and thoughts will be with you!
689425
It is very hard. I am on that road too. Father is in the same boat. You have 2 basic choices, you take guardianship and to heck with their wishes and make the decisions for them. Not the nicest way to go. Or you find out who deals with the seniors in their area and you have them set up things that make life more manageable, if not perfect for them. Hire helpers, volunteer drivers and visitor. Can you get nursing aid to visit for medical checks and medication management? It a long and winding road at best, but  really all they want is as much independence and dignity as they can  muster at their ages. Here we have a commission on aging that will help you review your options, they can asses your parents and see what the underlying reasons are for missed medication (lack of money, forgetfulness, too cheap to buy it, difficulty taking it) When the send out a worker list here i know that background checks have been made and references are checked, it is still a hard match to get personalities to mesh. In reality I make the drive myself several times a week, do shopping, get meds, do heavy cleaning, fix televisions ( remotes baffle him he keeps locking the features out). Life would be far easier if he would move into a assisted living or agree to live here, but alas he has rights to stay where he is and be independent as long as he is mentally fit and not a lear danger to himself and others. You have to realize a large portion of their life was in that house, it marks their history, accomplishments and memories. You may just have to dig in and make it as safe as you can for them. Talk to  a senior center, social worker, aging speialist and know what options are there and what rights they have and what benefit they get from not moving. Its complex, do a lot of asking and research. And talk to them plainly about how much stress and worry you have about them, but listen to them too. Good luck.
1076590
Please do not lose it and please be patient w/ grandma, remember we all will get old one day.  Now it seems as if she is aware enough for you to get her to have a DNR drafted as well as give you durable POA.  I suggest you contact your local law school and see if they have a legal clinic that handles these kinds of matters, based on your grandmother's income they may be able to help you and do it free of charge.  I would also advise call Adult Protective Services to ask about any programs they have for the care of older citizens.  And finally, check to make sure grandma is taking her meds properly, sometimes when they are not taking them properly this effects their mental abilities.  Next doctors appointment go in with her and discuss any issues w/ him/her regarding grandma.  Also review www.webmd.com to review the medications she is on.
429329
you have to call the facility, each one has its own social worker on sight they can help with any suggestions or questions. what ever you do before you place your loved one in a retirement community . do a pop up visit, go in during lunch and just walk around to see if the residents appear to be getting proper care. this is the busiest time of daay for the staff and you can see for yourself if they are well enough equiped to care for your family member
138378
She knows but she needs time to soak up all that information,and  she needs time to figure out how to tell you how much you will be missed.And she needs time to figure out how to apologize to you, then on top of all that she will then have to figure out how to let you go and grow up without it breaking her heart. Give her a break you just gave her a lot to think about and probably in a short amount of time. but alas i think things will work out sooner than you know, you have a very special Aunt. count your blessings.
64323
Absoultely not. I can just see it..poor Aunt Mae is the nursing home that WE are paying for.  How happy can she really be, shes blind and has a terminal disease.  Shes going to die anyway.  Shes old and doesnt think clearly.  We need to decide for her.  We think its best for all that she be put out of her misery.  No more having to chip in to help pay for Aunt Mae's care.  No more having to go visit her or feeling guilty when we dont. And then, there is the issue of her inheritance that surely will be coming my way in the even of her death. Yes, we took a vote and the family thinks its best to put her out of her misery.\n\nYou see, first it would be put in a way that we would leave it up to Aunt Mae to make the decision.  Then the argument would be made that the "family" of Aunt Mae really should be the ones to make that decision.  Its a slippery slope that we need to stay away from.
660843
I'm sorry to hear about your grandfather. It's very unfortunate that some nursing homes are either lacking in good help that they can't possibly take care of the patients that they have or else just don't have the compassion that it takes to care for the patients. I swear that my dear mother will never go into a nursing home because I've seen one too many homes in my life that treated the patients poorly. \nIf there is someone who is in charge of your grandfather's affairs, then you should consult with them and together go to the D.O.N(Director of Nursing) at the home where your grandfather is at. Let them know that your extremely upset over finding him sick and lying in his own body waste and that you plan on taking action. Tell them that when you admitted him into their facilities, you expected the best of care and am very disappointed that it's not up to even the lowest of standards. Be sure to follow up with whatever action you've chosen to take. I would also consider talking to an attorney.
928842
Let her know that you will not get the money until you turn age 35. It will give you more time to learn how to judge the intentions of this one and others. Do not broadcast you inheritance to any more people!
895945
Take her out for dinner. \n\nVisit her,  give her flowers and a cake. Tell her to give you a call if ever she needs help around the house (things that an old woman can't handle, emergencies etc). It's good that she has your phone number and you hers in case you need to look out for her or help her. Older women are prey to intruders and robbers. Always keep a look out for her safety. \n\nIf she doesn't have relatives over on special occasions such as Christmas, Thanksgiving etc, try to include her in yours at least once a year or once every other year.\n\nYes, you are a very thoughtful young man. Your parents are a success having a son like you and you are a great success for who you are. Bless you.
1127800
Very badly I live in Fla and some old folks don't here from family members for years you should be asshamed of your selves if this applies to you .When they die you don't even come down here you just want to know where all the money is . You even hire someone to have a yard sale to sell their stuff shame on you yea right you are busy. Sorry about the rant but maybe someones gram or gramps will get a call I hope you feel bad call them even if they live near by!!
926399
I HAD TO MAKE THIS SAME DECISION ONCE, IT WAS FOR AN AUNT, GRANTED NOT AS CLOSE AS A MOM BUTSTILL REAL DIFFICULT!!  YOU HAVE TO HONOR YOU MOM'S WISHES, SHE TRUSTED YOU WITH HER LIVING WILL!  IF IT'S A MATTER OF STOPPING LIFE SUPPORT, THEN DO AS SHE ASKED,  IF SHE'S ABLE TO BREATH ON HER OWN, AND YOUR CHOICE IS HOME OR A NURSING FACILITY,  TAKE HER HOME.THERE IS PLENTY OF HELP OUT THERE, HOSPICE WOULD BE THE BEST!!  GOD BLESS YOU, IT ISN'T EASY, BUT DO WHAT MOM ASKED......REMEMBER SHE TRUSTED YOU TO MAKE THIS DECISION!!
149
How active is she? If she's confined or in a nursing home, keep it simple. Make her a photo album or frame a favorite picture. Bring her a favorite treat that she can't get on her own.  \nIf she can get around, experiences are better than things. Take her to a play or an outdoor concert or to a museum exhibition. If she has a favorite kind of food, treat her to a special meal. \nThe best gift you can give your grandma is time with you! Visit as often as you can, and promise to do so on a regular basis.
841465
You are a good son,don't ever think you are a terrible person.I am a disabled mom,my son lives with me and helps me also.Is your mom able to do anything for herself?If so,perhaps you have a senior apartment complex in your area she could go to.Disabled people are also eligible for this even if they aren't yet a senior.They pay 1/3 of their income for rent and utilities,not a bad deal.We have a senior complex in my area of Pa,that is where I will be living once my son wants to move out.You get your own apartment,can have a car,just like living anywhere else.Or,if she needs some help,a assisted care facility might be the answer or even a nursing home if she needs alot of help.Although I'm sure you don't want to think of these options for your mom,you have to think about yourself too.I am still able to get around,and my son helps me a great deal,especially financially.But,as a mother,I would never want to be  burden to him,after all,he does have his own life.I hope your mom isn't making you feel guilty and making you think it is your responsibility,because it really isn't.There are options out there.My best advice would be to talk to the agency in your area that deals with aging.They should be listed in the blue pages or government pages in the phone book.Good luck to you.
204395
I am sorry, but you are not clear on several things:\n1. What brought up the fight about your mom needing to go to a nursing home? \n2. Where do you live? Are you living in your mom's home or do you have a place of your own?\n3. What are your mom's health/mental conditions? \n4. If you are doing the work, why would your siblings care where she lived? Does she need a safer environment?\n\n    I think you need to find someone who would be willing to arbitrate this problem without bias. You may check with a local church to see if the pastor/priest/etc. would be willing to help arbitrate it. I think you need the honest opinion of someone who does not know any of you to come to a solution.
717826
That's stupid.  At 70 she has had enough tests.  Perhaps you may get a pleasant surprise and they may just go soft on her.  I am definitely for the test for someone who is of working age but 70...that's just a waste of resources.\n\nPerhaps you could devise a simple test for her of common American questions and answers, etc.  Make it fun and make sure she is comfortable while this is happening.  Make it a bit of a game so she isn't threatened by it.  She probably can still learn some things.  Make up some que cards with pics, etc.  \n\nPS: If your whole family turns up to immigration they may realise she has a big family and lots of support which could help her.\n\nGood luck anyway.
1038735
Having lost family, I can suggest the following:\n\n1.  First, know the prognosis. How long is she expected to live? What can be done to improve her chances of longer life?\n2.  Know your mother's wishes. This is her life. How does she want to approach this? Is she willing to fight? Does she just want to accept this and settle her affairs and live the rest of her life in peace?\n3. See to your mother's comfort and her state of mind first. Believe me, you will have time to dwell on your own grief later. Consider this a healthy postponement of your grief.\n4.  Accept the fact that sooner or later, we lose our parents. It is a part of life and how we deal with it will be an example to our own children and grandchildren. We want them to live on and thrive, not spend their lives in heartache and sorrow.\n5.  Create more memories now! Enjoy your time together as much as possible. It is difficult to watch a loved one struggle through hard times, but being there for her, just holding her hand, showing your love will send her off with a feeling of deep satisfaction and leave you with fewer regrets.\n6.  Say what you've always wanted to say now.\n7.  Cry. Allow yourself to feel the sorrow, helplessness, even anger at this situation that we have no control over. Grieving cannot be denied. Cry it out.\n8.  But have hope. Always. Cling to the hope that there is a higher purpose for all things. Hope that the truth is we will be together again with our loved ones who have departed. This is only a short separation. They will be able to see us, visit us and whisper softly to us even though we, in our earthly bodies, will not be able to see them. We will be able to feel their presence. We will be reunited again.\nYou see, my grandmother, my father and my little boy died within one year. I can't describe the heartache. But I can describe the hope. And I have heard their whispers to me! So joyful, so hopeful, so encouraging! I feel their love. They can't wait until we are together again!\nUntil that time, please, please, spend your moments together caring, loving, laughing...then weep in dark rooms when you are alone. Have courage, my friend. And always hope.