what is the funniest bar joke?
138006
Take your choice:\n\n1)\nScientists were doing research to see how pets resemble thier owners.\nThey gave the engineer's dog a bone... he built a doghouse with it.\nThey gave an architect's dog a bone... he drew intricate buildings in the dirt with it.\nThey gave the bartender's dog a bone..... he broke it up, smoked it, f--ked some b---h and called in sick the next day.\n(Sorry to you sensitive people for the offensive language)\n\n2)\nMan's in a bar in Scotland to have his first European beer.\nSits down to order and is amazed at how comfortable the stool is.\n"You have GOT to tell me where I can buy stools like this!"\nBarkeep says, "See that guy at the end? He's yer lad."\nMan walks over and compliments him on his fine craftsmanship.\nLeaned over his beer with a somber look in his eyes he says, "You see that fence outside? Built it with me own two hands... you think they would call me McGregor the fencebuilder but nooooo...."\nAttempting to cut in, the man barely takes a breath and...\n"You see that bar? I built that too! Blood, sweat and tears went into that... you think they would call me McGregor the barbuilder but noooo...."\nGrabbing the inquiring man by the collar, he pulls him closer. McGregor whispers in his ear..\n"But all you have to do is f--k ONE sheep..."
78354
I have alot!!\n\nThis guy was painting a tall buliding next to a church. He droped the brush, said "son of a b***h", climbed down the ladder, got the brush, then climbed back up and continued painting. This happened a few more times and everytime he said "son of a b***h". Finally the preacher came out and said "next time you drop the brush say praise the lord". So he dropped the brush, said "praise the lord", the brush floated back up to him and the preacher said 'son of a b***h"\n\n\nWhy is halloween Micheal Jackson's favorite holiday?\nFree Delivery\n\n\nA Cowboy walking into a bar and ordered a coke. He took a drink and said "this tastes funny". So the bartender got him a new one. And he said "thats better" then the bartender said\n"Me Indian, Me play joke, Me go pee-pee in your coke"\nThen the cowboy said "Me cowboy, Me run fast, Me shoot bullet up your A$$"\n\nThis next one I heard on a stand-up comedy show...\n"Drinking and Driving is fun. But getting in a wreak isn't. I was with my friends driving and we hit something. I don't know what it was, but when I woke up I was in a tree, the car was upside down in a ditch and there was a cop there"\n\nCop-Who was driving?\nMan-It wasn't me cause that's not my parking, I park on the tires.\n\nCop-I am trying to figure out who was driving.\nMan-I'm trying to figure out how I got in this tree.\n\nCop-Have you been drinking and driving.\nMan-No, I was f***ed up before I got in the car.\n\nCop-The way you are acting I think I need to give you a drug test.'\nMan- Go ahead, ask me anything. I have been doing drugs for years.\nCop-Do you have a drug problem?\nMan-No, I have planty of weed at home.\n\n\nThis one is fun to do to your friends...lol\nPerson 1- Did you blow bubbles as a kid?\nPerson 2-Yes\nPerson 1-Well, he's back in town and wants you number.\nBoth- lol lmao
459430
*Two men walked into a bar and the other man ducked.\n\n*A duck walked into a pet store and asked the guy behind the counter "Hey! You got any duck food?"\n"No," the guy said, "now beat it."\nThe next day, the duck came back and said "Hey! You got any duck food?"\n"No," the guy said, "now beat it. And the next time I see you in here, I'm gonna nail your beak to the floor."\nThe next day, the duck came back and said "Hey! You got any nails?"\n"No," the guy said.\n"Good," said the duck, "you got any duck food?"\n\n*One day, a man died and went up to heaven. When he got to the pearly gates, St. Peter asked him "Did you do any good deeds in your life?"\n"Well," said the guy, "I rescued an old lady from a gang of robbers."\n"Hey, that's great!" St. Peter said, "when did you do that?"\n"Oh, about five minutes ago."\n\n*One day, three men were in a cave and they found a magic lamp. They rubbed it, and a genie came out and gave each of them one wish.\n"That's easy," the first guy said, "I'd like to be ten times smarter than I am right now!"\nPOOF! He was suddenly ten times smarter.\n"That's nothin'" the second guy said, "I'd like to be a HUNDRED times smarter than I am right now!"\nPOOF! He was suddenly a hundred times smarter.\n"Nah, I got all you guys beat," the third guy said, "I'd like to be a THOUSAND times smarter than I am right now!"\nPOOF! He turned into a woman.\n\nAnd the inevitable dumb blonde joke (NOTE TO ALL BLONDES: I DO NOT MEAN TO OFFEND. I AM MERELY REPEATING A JOKE I HEARD ONCE FROM A FRIEND OF MINE):\n\n*One day, a dumb blonde decided she was sick of all the dumb blonde jokes, so she decided to dye her hair brown and go for a long drive. She drove out to the countryside, where there were farms; one of these had sheep. She thought to herself "oh, how cute! I want a sheep!" So she went to the farmer and explained her request. \nThe farmer thought for a minute, then said "well, girly, tell you what. I'll let you have one of my sheep if you can guess how old I am."\nThe blonde thought about it for awhile, then finally said "66!"\n"By god, you're right!" The farmer said, astounded. He didn't really expect her to guess it, but since she did, he allowed her to pick out a sheep. So she picked one out and drove off, the sheep in the back. Suddenly, she saw the farmer behind her, chasing her car and waving frantically. She slowed down, and the farmer caught up to her and tapped on the window.\nShe rolled it down, and the farmer said "If I can guess what color your hair really is, then can I have my dog back?"
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A woman goes into a restaurant in a small town in the South. She orders some chicken and starts to eat. Eating too fast, she starts to choke on a chicken bone. Buford and Buck, two country boys in the next booth, notice she is choking. So they get up and go over to help her. Buford drops his overalls and bends over and then Buck starts licking his butt. The choking woman watches these two go at it and is so grossed out that she launches forward and throws up all over the place, dislodging the chicken bone from her throat. Buford pulls his overalls back up and says to Buck, "You're right, that 'hind-lick' maneuver works like a charm."\n~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~\nA boy was meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time for dinner. After dinner, his girlfriend and her mother left the room to do the dishes, leaving him with the father and the dog Duke, who was sitting underneath the boy's chair. Unfortunately, it was a large dinner and he really had to fart. He stealthily let out a quiet, but audible, fart. \n"Duke!" the dad yelled. \n\n"This is great!" the boy thought. "He thinks the dog is farting!" So he let out another one. \n\n"Duke!" the father barked. The boy thought he was home free so he let everything out at once in a really loud and smelly fart. \n\n"Duke! Get out of there before the boy shits on you!"\n~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~\nA guy walked into a bar one day and said to the barman, "Give me six double vodkas." \nThe barman says, "Wow! You must have had one hell of a day." \n\n"Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." \n\nThe next day, the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today the answer came back, "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" \n\nOn the third day, the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said, "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" \n\nThe man downed the first drink and shook his head, "Yeah, my wife!"\n~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~\nThis guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes. A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, 'Did you hear that Fluffy died?' The guy stammers and says, 'Um...no...um...what happened?'. The neighbor replies, 'We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!'\n~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*\nOne day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business. \nWhile she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream. \nThen they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in."\n~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~\nMAN: I'd like to buy some dog food.\nCHECKOUT LADY: Do you have a dog? \nMAN: Yes. \nCHECKOUT LADY: Where is he? \nMAN: He's at home. \nCHECKOUT LADY: I'm sorry,
662600
A guy walks in to a bar, and see a sing on the counter that says, "make my donkey happy and I'll pay you £200"\nThe guy asks what it all about, and the bar man tell him that his donkey has been very sad for week, and that nothing that he dose seem to make him happy.\n\nSo the guy walks over to the donkey and whispers in something to him, the donkey starts to laugh.\nThe bay may pay him the £200 and he go off on this way.\nA week later the guy goes back to the bar, and see a now sing. "Please help stop my donkey laughing and I'll give you £200" the bar man tell him that since he made him laugh he has not stopped, and that it is driving him mad.\nThe guy goes over to the donkey, and comes back to the bar man 30 sec later, the donkey is now crying.\nThe bar man give him the £200, and asks "how did you do it, he was crying, you make him laugh, he is laughing, you make him cry, what did you do?" The guy tells him, "well the first time I told him my dick was bigger then his, and this time i proved it."
200882
TRY THESE...\n\n1\n\nA bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in comes four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"\n\n\n\nSoon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices join in raising the roof, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"\n\n\n\nFinally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"\n\n\n\nThe bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful child's puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"\n\n\n\nThe blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. The side of the box said 2 - 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"\n\n\n2\n\nA blonde was driving down the motorway when her mobile phone rang .It was her\nhusband, urgently warning her: "Honey, I just heard on the news that there's\na car going the wrong way on the M25. Please be careful!" "It's not just one\ncar!" said the blonde, "There's f***ing hundreds of them!"\n\n\n3\n\nA blond gets tired of it all and dyes her hair. She's now a brunette and feels *much* smarter. Everyone tells her she's smarter. So she goes for a drive in the country one day and stops in a lane which is blocked by a herd of sheep. She gets out, talks to the farmer and says, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I have one?"\n\n\n\nHe looks perplexed but says, "Sure."\n\n\n\nSo she says, " Uh....157?"\n\n\n\nHe says, "My God, that's correct. Take a sheep. "\n\n\n\nSo she wanders among the herd. She likes this one and that one and finally is very attracted to one that wags its tail and likes her. She picks it up and puts in it the car.\n\n\n\nThe farmer says, "Can I make a deal with you?"\n\n\n\n"Sure, " says she.\n\n\n\nHe says, "If I can guess what color your hair really is,\n\ncan I have my dog back?"\n\n\n4\n\nA man entered the bus, with his pockets full of golf balls and sat down next\nto a blond. The blond kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging\npockets.\n\nFinally, after many such glances from her he said, "It's golf balls."\n\nThe blond continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally asked, "Does it\nhurt as much as tennis elbow?"\n\n\n5\n\nA blonde is roller-skating down the board-walk one day. She's just skating along in her lycra pants, smiling at everyone, listening to her Walkman. \n\nShe decides that she really needs a haircut. She skates into the first salon she sees and goes up to the hairdresser and says, "I need a haircut." The hairdresser checks her out and says, "OK, sit down and take off your headphones." "No way!" shouts the blonde, "If I take off my headphones, I'll die!" "Then I can't give you a haircut," replies the hairdresser. \n\nSo the blonde gets up and leaves and skates further down the board-walk. She sees another salon, goes in, and says to the hairdresser, "I need a haircut... but you can't take off my headphones or I'll die!"
722206
once there was a guy named david. one day he asked a question. he asked whats the funniest joke ever? hehehehehhehe :)
321193
What do you call a drunk Teletubbie?\nTipsy!
1092433
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that it, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home."\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nQ. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?\nA. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.\n\n \n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nQ. What do a Rubix cube and a penis have in common?\nA. The longer you play with them, the harder they get.\n\nQ. What does an old woman have between her breasts that a young woman doesn't?\nA. A navel.\n\nQ. What is the difference between a woman and a washing machine?\nA. You can bung your load in a washing machine and it won't call you a week later.\n\nQ. Why did god create Adam before he created eve?\nA. Because he didn't want anyone telling him how to make Adam.\n\nQ. What is a lesbian's favorite thing to eat?\nA. A Klondike Bar\n\nQ. What did the elephant say to the naked man?\nA. "How do you breath through something so small?"\n\nQ. Why don't women wear watches?\nA. There's a clock on the stove!\n\nQ. What doesn't belong in this list : Meat, Eggs, Wife, Blowjob?\nA. Blowjob: You can beat your meat, eggs or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.\n\nQ. Have you heard about the new super-sensitive condoms?\nA. They hang around after the man leaves and talks to the woman.\n\nQ. What's worse than getting raped by Jack the Ripper?\nA. Getting fingered by Captain Hook.\n\nQ. What do a walrus and Tupperware have in common?\nA. They both like a tight seal.\n\nQ. What's the difference between a wife and a wheelie bin?\nA. You only have to take out a wheelie bin once a week.\n\nQ. What did the two lesbian frogs say to each other?\nA. WE DO TASTE LIKE CHICKEN!\n\nQ. What did the banana say to the vibrator?\nA. Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.\n\nQ. What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys?\nA. We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving.\n\nQ. What's the difference between love and herpes?\nA. Love doesn't last forever.\n\nQ. How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?\nA. Call her and tell her.\n\nQ. A man noticed that his credit card had been stolen but didn't report it.\nA. The thief was spending less then his wife.\n\nQ. Why do women have small feet?\nA. So they can stand closer to the kitchen sink.\n\nQ. Why do men die before their wives?\nA. They want to.\n\nQ. How do men sort out their laundry?\nA. Filthy, and filthy but wearable.\n\nQ. What's the difference between a man and ET?\nA. ET phoned home.\n\nQ. Why haven't they sent a woman to the moon yet?\nA. It doesn't need cleaning.\n\nQ. Why is a pap smear called a pap smear?\nA. Because women wouldn't do them if they were called cunt scrapes.\n\nQ. What's the difference between your paycheck and your cock?\nA. You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck!\n\nQ. What do you call kids born in whorehouses?\nA. Brothel sprouts.\n\nQ. What's the difference between a 40 year-old man, and a 40 year-old woman?\nA. A 40 year-old woman dreams of having children, a 40 year-old man dreams of dating them.\n\nQ. What's white, smells, and can be found in panties?\nA. Clitty litter\n\nQ. I married Miss Right.\nA. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."\n\nQ. Why is psychoanalysis quicker for me
476514
Man and Woman in a bar..\nMan:"can I buy you a drink?"\nWoman:"No thank you,alcohol is bad for my legs"\nMan:"Sorry to hear that...do they swell?"\nWoman:"No,they open."
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Here's one for you:\nThere's a trucker driving along the highway in Nevada, and he starts to get really horny. He then sees a sign for a Brothel (whore house) 10 miles away. He begins to get very excited when he spots a note at the bottom of the sign which says: "Beware of Sandpaper Sally." He thinks this is a bit wierd but keeps driving and gets hornier and hornier. He finally gets to the Brothel, throws money down on the table, and says: "I want a whore." to which a woman repeats: "Okay, but the only girl we have left is Sally." He decides to take the offer and runs up to the room he's told Sally is in. He opens the door and sees the prettiest blond he's ever seen in his life, throws her down on the bed and procedes to have his way with her when he notices that she is a bit rough and dry down there. He asks what's wrong with her and she gets up and goes to the bathroom. She comes back and they start again. He says that it feels great and asks what she did. To which she replies:"I picked the scabs." \n\nHere's another:\nTwo men are sitting at a bar, one turns to the other and says:"I f*cked your mom."\nThe bar goes silent as everyone looks at the two men to see what is going to happen.\nOnce again, the first man repeats:"I f*cked your mom."\nTo which the other man replies:"Shut up dad, you're drunk."
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An English cockerel,Irish cockerel and a gay cockerel sat in a bar looking to pull a bird.\nThe English cockerel says "cocka doodle do "\nThe Irish cockerel says" doodle doodle co*k"\nThe gay cockerel says" any co*k will do "
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A little duck waddles into a bar. He waddles up to the bar, flies up onto the bar and yells to the bartender, "HEY!"\nThe bartender is perturbed but he sneers out "Whaddaya want?"\nThe little duck asks, "Hey man, you got any duck food?"\nThe bartender gets mad and tells the little duck, "Hell no I ain't got no duck food. This is a people bar. Now, hop your little white ass off my bar and leave. I never want to see you in here again."\nThe little duck says "Thanks", hops down off the bar and waddles out.\nThe next day, that same little duck waddles into that same bar. He waddles up to the bar, flies up onto it and yells to the bartender "HEY!"\nThe bartender sees him and gets immediately irate.\n"Whaddaya want now?" growls the bartender.\n"Hey man, you got any duck food?" The little duck asks nicely.\nThis further enrages the bartender to the point that he grabs the little duck around the neck and lifts him off the bar.\n"I done told you once, this is a people bar and we ain't got no duck food. Now, get out of here and don't come back because the next time I see you in here I'm gonna nail those flat-ass orange feet of yours to this bar, got it?"\nThe little ducks nods and the bartender lets him go. He hops down off the bar and waddles out, shaking his head.\nThe next day that same little white duck waddles back into the bar. He flies up onto the bar, looks at the bartender and yells "HEY!"\nThe bartender sees him and grins. "What'd I tell you I was gonna do to you next time I saw you in here?" He starts walking toward the duck.\nThe little duck asks very quickly, "Hey man, you got any nails?"\nThe bartender stops short with a confused look on his face. "Hell no, I ain't got no nails."\n"Well then," drawls the little duck, "got any duck food?"
1039005
The bartender looks up and says, "What is this, some kind of joke?!"\n\nBa-dum, chhh!
323395
Ha Ha Ha Ha....Good joke..lol
886850
Laughter. Or kegs upon kegs of alcohol. Just kidding, laughter.
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Thats cool.\nI've got one.\n\nThere's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.\n\nThe poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying."\n\n"No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."