What is the best joke you've ever heard in your life?
152787
this one I got via e-mail:\nDear Dog and Cat,\nWhen I say to move, it means go someplace else, not switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.\n\nThe dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate of food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.\n\nThe stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.\n\nI cannot buy anything bigger than a king-size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue to sleep on the couch to ensure your comfort. Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up in a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.\n\nMy compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.\n\nFor the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge.and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. (In addition, I have been using the bathroom for years... canine or feline attendance is not mandatory).\n\nThe proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dogs' or cats' butts. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.\n\nThese things are simple enough to understand so I ask that you please stick to them!\nThank You\nYour Owner/Chef/and Personal Valet
876037
my favorite joke is \nThree boy walked into a Candy shop.\nThe first boy said can I have ten cents worth of licorice\nSo the clerk took out a ladder and reached to the highest shelf and brought out 5 pieces of licorice and the clerk put the ladder away\nThe second boy said can I have ten cents worth of licorice the clerk sighed and brought back out the ladder and reached to the highest shelf and gave him 5 pieces of licorice and put the ladder back up with another 5 pieces of licorice for the third boy\nThen it was time for the third boy to get candy so the clerk said let me guess ten cents worth of licorice too but the boy said no 20 cents worth of licorice \n My favorite song is \nLondon Bridge by Fergie
872517
funny. thank you, i just heard the worst three jokes of my life but you saved me from sorrow. I appreciate it lol.
755859
that was toooooooo good , i wish i could think of jokes that good. hahahahahahah rotfl lol, lmfao
479920
worlds funniest joke:\n\nA couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?"\n\ntwas hilarious when i first heard it.\n\ncheck the link below for full details, theres heaps ;) took part in the survey myself (back in da days)\ncheers
769601
You probably have heard this one>>>>>Yep\n\nbut it is still funny!!?>>>>>Yep\n\nThat's really a good one>>>>>>lmao
797214
Actually , that was one of the funniest jokes i seen all day , if that tell's you anything .
923847
LMFAO great jokes!!! Love your sense of humor it is wonderful!!
699568
LMFAO :)) Where do you get all these great jokes? Absolutely hilarious
857160
That's hilarious! Where did u get that?LOL! =D\n(That's the best one I've heard all day!)ThanQ!
1172944
Where have you been my whole life? I nominate this question\nfor "best question ever"! \nYes, I am serious. (if I could stop laughing)
764425
that was a great joke 2 thumbs up
555676
yeah OK I have a great 2 jokes for you here but be prepared that they are somewhat well just wrong hehehe ok here we go! enjoy!\n\n#1- A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife,so he went to a psychiatrist,who told him he needed to build self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness.\n   After reading the book on the way him,he stormed into the house and declared, "I want you to know I am the man of the house,and my word is law."I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight.THen after dinner,you are going to draw my bath so I can relax ,and when I'm finished with my bath,guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?"\n           His wife responded, "THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR."\n\n#2-A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey,could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now"He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light" NOw does it look like I have a G.E.O Logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."\n   Well then,could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right". To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have WestingHouse written on my forehead? I don't think so"."Fine," She says "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break".\n"I'm not a damn Carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps." "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so.I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!"\n   So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.\nHe starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife,and decides to go home and help out.As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed.As he enters the house,He sees the hall light is working,the fridge door is fixed.\n"Honey, How'd all this get fixed? She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried.Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.He offered to do all the repaires,and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."\nHe said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "HELLOOOOO..... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"\n\n#3- A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vagina lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze.Out of emabarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.\n  A wakening from the anesthesia after the surgery,she found three roses carefully placed beside her bed.Outraged,she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"\n   The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this by yourself."\n   "The second rose is from my nurse.She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."\n   "And what about the third rose?" she asked.\n"Oh,that rose is from the man upstairs in the burn unit.He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
910889
OMG this joke is one of my favorites!!! Got any more?
1181097
That is a perfect joke!! I could tell anyone and they all laughed! And what do you mean by old..? It's new as ever~!!! I'm gonna tell that to allllllll my friends and my dad and I bet you--they will laugh!!!
790952
Ha Ha Ha....Pretty  old joke!!! Still as fresh as New Born Baby !! Yes ! This is one of my favorite joke and i Often use it in my 'Ventriloquism' Show its more than 20 years now !!! This one is undoubtedly my favorite and I always liked it !!!
732058
dude youre the funniest guy tell somemore jokes plz that one waz funny as hell i'm still laughing