"My cat 'Minton' ate all my shuttlecocks! I said,'Bad Minton!"\n\nOr his other one, "I was watching 'Origami Tv' last night. It was 'pay-per view'!"\n\nFantastic!
128540
got a link?? i want to check it out!mhee hee:)
522032
thanks, the yaholes!  What was your answer.  I asked a similar one.  The yahoos don't like me and watch everything I do.  Aren't I SO lucky!\n\nOh, I did, but now he says it more.  Ad nauseum almost.
276750
bad gimick but seems to be getting over with the fans, everyone hates them. \n\nI think they are semi entertaining
520556
omg! I haven't heard that one in a while. . . Thanks 4 giving me a good laugh after a long day!!!!\nAm I the only one who wants this week to be over? omg!
226819
Heres some funnies for ya...\nNO PARENT LEFT BEHIND \n\nI promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been left intact.) Most of them are funny, but some are just sad. \n\n\n1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM. \n\n2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT \n\n3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33. \n\n4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING. \n\n5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP. \n\n6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE. \n\n7-- \nCARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART. \n\n8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS. \n\n9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE. \n\n10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS. \n\n11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT. (Love it!) \n\n12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK. \n\n13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST. \n\n14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!} \n\n15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR. \n\n16-- PLEASE \nEXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY. \n\n17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!} \n\n18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL. \n\n19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS. \n\n20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER. \n\n21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR. \n\n22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE \nSOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT. \n\nNOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS. \n\n\n\nQUESTIONS ABOUT 2010 OLYMPICS \n\nNow that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website (frightening, isn't it!) \n\nQ: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)\nA. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die. \n\nQ: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)\nA: Depends on how much you've been drinking. \n\nQ: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)\nA: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water. \n\nQ: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)\nA: So it's true what they say about Swedes. \n\nQ: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)\nA: Let's not touch this one. \n\nQ: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)\nA: What did your last slave die of? \n\nQ: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)\nA: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
420682
Hope you feel better soon K.\n We had our cat "oscar", for a long time but old age crept up on it and we sadly had to have Oscar put to sleep. Everybody was really upset so i said i would bury the cat as soon as we got home, it was a dark cold wintry night. When i got up the next day my partner was looking out of the window crying her eyes out and calling me everything. As i looked out of the window i cringed, i had not buried the cat deep enough in the dark and its tail was sticking out of the ground as rigid as a stick with a Robin sat on top, embarrassing or what.
617450
Barbara hiring Rosie .  I hear the Death knell for the show.\nStar leaving.  I hear the sinking of the ship.  Now out of view.\nTwo moves and Barbara killed her show.\n\nBy by
181187
I didn't report him, but I have found myself at the center of one of his childish temper tantrums.  I answered one of his questions with an answer that didn't agree with his opinion.  I found that he then went to my questions that were open and bashed all of them....  I did some clicking and found that he did this to anyone that didn't share his narrow opinion. After that day, I would goto his Q&A just to read it.  A source of entertainment!  I hope he gets to read this, just for him to know that I see him as a comical source of entertainment... and the fact that he has been suspended... He is just another angry stupid man hiding behind a bible.
360504
Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00\nbetween them.\nLarry said, "Hang on, I have an idea"\nHe went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.\nBob said, "Are you crazy??? Now we don't have any money left at\nall!!"\n>Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."\n>\n>They went into a pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.\n>Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"\n>Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry - I have a plan. Cheers!"\n>They downed their drinks.\n>Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you geto on your knees and put it in your mouth."\n>Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.\n>\n>They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"\n>Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage after the\n>third pub!"
517352
Ernie, where did you *dig* this one up? Thinking minds want to know!\n--Charles, "That Cheeky Lad"
547080
LOL.  Well, I liked it.  LOL. \n\nBeing subtle has it's merits.\n\nThank you for the laughs, and have a great new week!
391830
A little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.\n“Tyson,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where\ndid you hear it?”\n“My daddy said it,” he responded.\n“Well, that doesn’t matter,” she explained, “I don’t want to hear\nthat language in here again.”\nAfter a moment, she thought she whispered aloud, “At least he\ndoesn’t know what it means.”\n“I do, too,” Tyson corrected. “It means the car won’t start.”
389551
The cheek of the man fidgety.Very clever though!\n"If you really loved me,you'd buy me a nice mink," said the wife sulkily.\n"All right," groaned the husband."I'll buy you a mink if it's that important to you,but only on one condition."\n"Condition? What kind of condition?"\n"You have to keep it's cage clean!"\n\nI was with my wife and she was reading a magazine and she showed me a photograph of a fur coat. She said:"I'd like that." So I cut it out and gave it to her.(One of Tommy Cooper's little gems.)
188255
Okay, I was had, and I am dumb A couple of readers have written in (and my thanks to them) to tell me that the “fight” between Michael Strahan and Tom Arnold on The Best Damn Sports Show was, in fact, an April Fools Joke. My congratulations to everyone involved. I didn’t think those guys were capable of such a quality ruse.\n\nSome commentors made some pretty good points about the inauthenticity, too. You’re a clever bunch, Deadspinners.\n\nThe entire set-up was a ruse, too. Tom Arnold didn’t even write a book. They went all out with this thing. Giants head coach Tom Coughlin and general manager Ernie Accorsi were briefed ahead of time that it would be happening, so they wouldn’t flip out.\n\nWell done, Best Damn Sports Show.
101760
I am sorry, I can not believe a thing this man says.   My cat is more intelligent, however I have no idea what he said.\nIt really doesn't matter if I hear him or not, I still think he is lying. \nThis war had no moral justification. I can only hope it will be his undoing.
663273
Doughboy Accident, he poops.\n\nhttp://www.guba.com/watch/3000001804?category_id=523&duration_step=0&pp=20&premium=0&sb=5&sf=0&size_step=0&o=111
64737
I've seen quite a few funny things in my time, but what first came to mind when I read your question was an incident involving my new husband Graham who was not really into dogs, and Sam my dog who I had had for over eight years.\n\nWe had taken Sam for a run around the park and were on our way back to the car when I saw an ice cream van arrive on the road at the bottom of the park. With it being quite a warm day, we decided to treat ourselves to one.  When we got down to the van I decided to have a "lolly" whilst Graham chose a "99" which is a wafer cornet with a scoop of ice cream in it and a chocolate "log" inside that.\n\nKnowing Sam's liking for ice cream I said to Graham:\n"Shall we get one for Sam too?"\n"Certainly not," said he whilst paying the vendor,....."you don't buy ice cream for dogs!"\n\nWhereupon he promptly dropped his change on the floor and in bending down to pick it up presented his ice cream cornet right in front of Sam's face.....\n\nNow come on...if you were in Sam's place what would you have done?\n\nYep, you got it.....Sam helped himself to a big lick of the ice cream and a chunk of the chocolate log...... \n\nGraham's face was an absolute picture, and I doubled up laughing as did a few other people who had heard what Graham had said and seen what happened.\n\nOf course Graham had to get himself another one whilst Sam ended up eating the rest of the first one minus the chocolate, which went in the bin cuz we know dogs aren't supposed to eat it. \n\nSam 1 - Graham 0\n\nThat's what you call poetic justice. It was really funny and Graham never refused to buy Sam an ice cream again.....