this is getting nasty I know---she wanted a divorce, never before had an issue with sleeping on the couch---she now "rotates" the kids for her sleep.  She has been advised by her attorney and mine that this has to stop, but she has made no effort to stop.  The kids are 9, 5, and 3---The 3 year old now takes over an hour to fall asleep, unless she is with her that night.  The house is in my name so Im not leaving--she is not leaving because she is thinking she will get the house.  I am going for full custody of my 2 the 5 and 3 year olds, she has said she wants joint.   Will this help me win??  also she has been leaving work early and instead of spending time with the kids she goes out with her "friends" either to a bar or "shopping" never calls or takes the kids with her.\n\nadvise? comments?
138474
Write everything down that she does document all,time place what she did what she said EVERYTHING.\nThe sleeping arrangements are wierd, exactly what is she up to? she is going to make it worse for the kids,not you.If you owned the house before you were married I dont think she can get it. If you can get full custody of ur 2 but if you cant go for the joint  otherwise  she can and probably will try and turn the kids against you. Good luck
416708
I think you both need to quit the games where you are trying get prove the other is a worse person.   What is in the best interest of the child?    I have not heard anything about what is best for the little girl.    Too often people get caught up in their own divorce battles to even care about the child.    Act like an adult and think of the child first which may mean you hold your tongue around your daughter, maybe it means joint custody.    I can't believe you irresponsible people and your selfish behavior.    Makes me sick.
297384
Heres the thing man, I went through it to. There is nothing you can do; in respects to what she does with the money.  She does not have to provide and accounting to anyone of how she spends her child support check.  All she has to do is provide a home evironment for the child/children, you know feed and cloth them, get them to school ext.  If she is neglecting the children and you can prove it then call CPS or hire and attorney to take her back to court and win custody.   But before you do that, put yourself in the judges or a third parties shoes, how do you think others are going to see you case when you present what you have.  Most often emotions come in to play.  Good Luck
500093
I  think  you  already know what you  have to do.     In  the  first place  how  do you know -besides  what she has told you -  that  her husband was abusive?      One  way or other, it is  absolutely clear to anybody with half a brain  the woman is using you ...   and  using  her  own  children as a   weapon  against you  if you  try to  stand up for yourself.    Well,   the ONLY  thing  possible  for you to do..  unless you want  to   stand there meekly  and let her destroy what should be the peace and  tranquility  of your and your husband's  lives -  is  take a  stand  and Tell  this selfish, self-centered, self-serving piece of  garbage  whom you so unfortunately  have as a daughter,  that  you have already done all -  and in fact  more -  than you have  the means to do..   She is;pulling one of the oldest  games in the book  with those who feel obliged to fall over backwards for her  because of blood relationship   .....emotional blackmail.... and you have  allowed yourselves to  fall for it hook, line, and sinker.    Enough  already.    You  can't   "save the world"  and   those are  HER children,  so you  cannot  be held  responsible for  them  either.      You  have  already allowed this outrageous situation  to go on  waaaaay  too long,  and the  very behaviour that you have  described,  defines her   exactly for what  she  really is....  a  mean,  selfish, ungrateful,  freeloading opportunist  who needs  to be made to  hit the road  before  she  succeeds in  ruining   your  and your husband's  lives,  and  your health.
367146
your friend needs to find time for her self.get the husband to keep the baby,even is she wants to sleep.she needs to get out the house,go to the mall or go get her hair done,etc.when I get like that it helps me to get away from the kids for 1 hr.then I,m fine
588302
In all honesty, its not a matter of turning off the charm.  She is probably quite tired most of the time from household and baby.\nI bet that if you help out around the house and help her with the kids you will sooon have your intimate relationship back better than before.\nShe needs you to help her have time to have a life of her own that isn't just about you and the kids.\nHelp her out!
225470
OMG!!!!!!!!!! I hate her already. First, tell her no calls past ____ (fill in the time). Say it wakes the kids. Next, if she goes to the store for you, tell her you need the exact change back, because you are saving up for ____. If she wants her kids to play with the toys, let her know that she can have them come over and play, (just watch that they don't leave with them). You have to be upfront with her and let her know that you feel that she is taking advantage of you. Explain all of the reasons. Ask her if she would like to be treated that way. Let her know that your household will no longer support her alchol problem......if she sneeks three beers out the back door that is stealing. Alchol (misspelled, sorry) is a legal drug, if she feels the need to steal it.....then she has a problem with it. Also, tell her that you will not support her smoking habit. If she is bold enough to buy smokes with your change again, aks to see them, then when she hands them to you, put them in your pocket, and say "Thank you". I'm sure she will wonder what you are doing. Say that she bought smokes with YOUR money, there for they are your to keep. I bet she will never do that again. As far as her saying stuff to get your husband in trouble....Let's say she saw your husband look at another chick, if she comes to you saying that, say, "Was she ugly? Cause I heard ugly rubs off. Tell him not to look at the ugly ones." (LOL) And, about bumming toilet paper, why would your mom let someone live there if she can't afford the bare essential??? Sounds like you sis-in-law has a problem about getting something for nothing, no matter what it might be.
52003
The other posters have given some really good thoughts on this issue, which is always a complicated one.  For certain no one should falsify records, but in many places if she is living with the father she could be considered a step-parent.  Better that children have an extra person in their lives to show interest in them and give them attention and kindness and caring than they have a mom and a dad who fight about what should happen.\n\nWhatever happens in these situations should always be in the best interests of the chldren - not in the best interests of the custodial parent or the non-custodial parent.  Is it the children, or is it you, that doesn't want her at the school events?  I get a little sense of some anger and bitterness here, and that is not unusual, but don't let it cloud issues.  If this woman is important in their dad's life it is best that you try to have at least a civil relationship with her.  Why do you say the children did not want her at the school events?  Did you tell them they shouldn't want her?  What harm does it do for the children to have an extra person clapping for them and cheering them on at school events?  Children need all the love and support they can get.\n\nTry to set aside your own feelings about this, and approach it from the perspective of doing what is right for the children.  I am not trying to decide for you what is right, but in many cases it is best to come to peaceful terms with the new woman, and accept that she will be in your children's lives.  Encourage the children to accept her and get along with her - she may be with their dad for a while, and kids need their dad too.\n\n\nYou may have a chance here to be the one who steps up and refuses to put the children in the middle, and does only what is in their best interest.
666423
I was in the same boat about 2 years ago.  My wife was depressed, slept on the couch almost all day, I worked 2 jobs and took care of my daughter when I was home ... I would say that my wife was a glorified babysitter, but in reality, I was often worried about my daughter's safety while I was at work.  The horror stories I could tell you ...\n\nI know you won't like this answer but, here goes: You can't get your wife to go to the doctor for help.  There is nothing that you could say or do that would ever alter the will and/or mind set of a clinically depressed person.  The decision has to be theirs, which, funny enough, is the same advice that Al-Anon would give to a spouse/child of an alcoholic.  I had spent the first year of her depression trying to help her through it, taking her to relaxing places, doing the house chores, taking care of my daughter, that did not work, I had threatened divorce once, but it did nothing, After an incident with my wife she was put in the hospital for about 5 days to "straighten her medication out", but, because she didn't believe in medication, that was the only time she took it.  She made 1 out of 12 scheduled pyschiatrist appointments and 8 out of 40 scheduled pyschologist visits.  She simply didn't want to go or get help.  That was her decision, and unfortunately all the best intentions in the world won't get her to change it... for my x wife or for your wife unfortunately.  \n\nIn my opinion there are 2 solid questions that you have to ask yourself.  \n\n1. Do you still love her and could you continue to make it work?  (assuming that you were alone and without kids.)  If the answer is yes, continue to the next question as it is the deal breaker.  If not, then you have your answer with regards to divorce.\n\n2. I think most parents, including you would agree that their children are the single most important aspect of their lives, and their most important responsibility.  With that said, what do you feel is more harmful to your children, a "messy" divorce (which it will be, trust me on that one) or living every day watching Mom sleep away her life, not having her in their lives because she's too depressed, bringing the family down because you are too overworked and stressed out, not having enough money (and yeah - I know about that one too, my x was racking up nearly 3500 in overdraft charges almost every year for 3 years....) I'm sure you could add a few examples to this list...   Simply put, what is best for your children?  Your kids at 10 and 12 are old enough to engage in a serious discussion about divorce and depression.  Their thoughts and feelings will more than likely be an included factor for a judge during a divorce and I would recommend talking to your children about their thoughts and feelings about your family dynamics - how do they feel about their mom's depression, and seriously consider taking your kids to a pyschologist for some family therapy, unfortunately, if you're stressed out and hurting, your kids are too - only many times worse.  If your kids experience more happiness during and after divorce, it is better, especially if the divorce forces the parents to put their kids number one.  If your wife is missing out on their lives, then they are not number one in hers, and therein lies the problem.  If Divorce is better for them in the long run, File, and make sure you get a calm attorney.  I'll cover that in a second....\n\nI'll tell you what happened with my divorce, as it might give you a bit of hope, as it certainly turned out well for everyone I would say... after a long 2 year battle, with every settlement offer from my side getting worse every time her "hot-shot" attorney (thus the find a calm attorney)  decided he wanted something else like a GAL (Guardian Ad-Litem) and a Pysch Evaluation, I finally landed up with full custody, my X had visitation once a week, had to pay me child support a
461392
I agree with you 100%! I am so sorry for what you are going through but I am heartbroken that she is using the kids like that. She not only ruined her marriage but she is destrying her children. If this is any consolation to you, your children will end up hating her for what she is doing and one day they will turn on her for that. I am sure that doesn't make you feel better because you don't sound vendictive at all, and I am sure you don't want your children to hate her. But in all honesty, that will happen. I have seen it happen quite a lot. \nTry a mediator.Document everything! Tape phone calls if you have to cover yourself. Communicate with her in writing, so everything is documented. Reassure your children of your love and do not resort to her ways. Give your children and extra hug when you see them and find a good attorney to help maitain your visits with your children. Be the better person out of this because you are right, the law does seem to side with the mother more often, so you, unfortunately will have to work even harder.\nI am a female, married with a wonderful son and I have made mention to this abuse by women over and over. There are some women who live through hell and back and deserve to fight tooth and nail for what they deserve and then you get these type of women who abuse the system because they feel they can.\n(I don't know the whole story and I am only going by what you said, truly there are two sides of every story.)\nGood luck to you and your new marriage. And keep in mind, she is jealous, that even though she cheated on you, you moved on and are happy now. She thought you would fall apart. That's why she is acting that way. \nBe there for your children, they should be the main concern.
13893
How painful!  Have your attorney push for a way to get him into parenting classes before he even gets a minute alone with your daughter.  Make the hoops he needs to jump through cost him something.  He's not been a parent and it stands to reason that he should learn something of the skills required before he takes your child even one day.  At one time my husband and I were discussing divorce and custody and he told me he was going to fight for custody and I told him to be ready to pee in a jar ***** which backed him RIGHT off.  Have a talk with your daughter and let her know that she can tell you anything at anytime, even if her father tells her to keep it a secret or he's threatened her.  Let her know that she can always tell you anything and that the only reason grown-ups make little kids keep secrets is because the grown-up is doing something he's not supposed to.  That way, if he does do the unthinkable, you stand a much better chance of knowing soon and getting help immediately.  Just something to keep in mind.  Also, he will not now or ever get full custody of your child as long as your own nose stays clean.  The courts reeeaaaaalllllly see no reason to remove a child from their primary custodial parent unless there is some darn good reason.  It should be mentioned that he's chosen not to have any emotional attachment to this child by choice and that though he is her father, he is a stranger to her too.  Push for supervised visitation for a term of not less than 8 weekly visits.  Really.  It can be pointed out that it is not just in the child's best interests but also in the father's.  Talk to your attorney about a guardian ad lidum.  If the father is not current in child support, see if you can defray his visitations until he IS current.  Your attorney should know allllll this and should be able to fight hard on your child's behalf.
579917
WOW!!!  Well, the sad thing about the son is that at 24, he's already been affected by her craziness.  Children begin getting affected by these neuroic behaviors at around age 2!!!  The fact that he still lives at home suggests she's been very controlling and he just doesn't have the confidence to move out and be on his own.  First and foremost, get him to move out ASAP.  He needs to see what life is like with normal, healthy people.\n\nCan you have her commited?  You should but you can't.  Unless she's harming people physically.\n\nThis is very frustrating though , I sympathize with you.   I would not answer  your phone anytime the caller ID doesn't come out,  If they want to talk to you, they'll leave a message.  Just do this for a while and she will get tired of getting your VM, she'll get sick of calling.  She is obviously beyond desparate for attention.  \n\nWow, I'm curioius as to what your parents are like and how you ended up with such a loony toone for a sister!!!!! You seem very grounded~
266585
"I have developed a safety plan for the kids in case he really loses" ...\n\nIn my opinion, the fact that you make this statement indicates you feel the need to give forethought to the possibility of domestic violence. If this were just about you and your husband I would say one thing but it's not. That being the case coupled with your concerns of his reactions then I would suggest leaving based on a trial separation. While you may find this an inconvenience for you and the children to leave your home, the fact is you're making the decision to end the marriage so you will have to be willing to accept some initial inconvenience for the sake of the children and to promote less conflict through the divorce process.\n\nBy filing for legal separation you can request a Temporary Restraining order (not a Protective Order), put some initial space between you to provide a 'cooling off' period on his part. I would suggest allowing this 'cooling off' period some amount of time before actually petitioning the courts for the final divorce. While this process will take more time and some additional costs it will also allow time for some acceptance of the situation on his part and, in my opinion, ultimately decrease his animosities over the break up by giving him time to let it all sink in.\n\nBest Wishes & Good Luck!!
127380
Okay, first... I understand the wife had an affair and your friend is hurt & angry.  That being said, what is it that the wife wants?  Is she prepared to participate in a legal battle that could drag on for years, draining income?  \n\nYour friend and his wife should make an attempt to settle this between them without a costly court battle.  Perhaps the wife is willing to compromise, and shared legal/physical custody could be arranged.  I'm certain there is much more to this story than you could tell in a paragraph.  For example, did she work to put him through university?  Did he work to put her through school?  There are many different circumstances, but it is not unheard of for a woman to pay spousal support to her ex.  She will definitely fight that, but they may agree on shared custody of the kids and if the husband babysits the children while the wife is at work, I can certainly see paying him for his time instead of spousal support.  Compromise is the name of the game when it comes to a dissolution of marriage.  \n\nMy condolences to your friend.
262722
You should take food over there (healthy food, no kool aid) and talk to her about getting a job. There is no reason for a young woman to stay home and live on child support. Make it clear to her that this is the last time you will be feeding her and her kids. Help her get the phone number to an employment office, a bus schedule, a resume.. what ever it is that she needs to get employed. Talk to her about finding day care for the kids. If she is receptive to this then great. If not then you need to walk away with the understanding that someone else will feed that family. They ate before she met you. Ask her what kind of an example she wants to set for her children. A user or a go getter? There was something about her that you liked at the start. let her know what that was. \nIf, on the other hand, you get over there and find that she has more than milk and eggs walk away and never look back.\n Good luck.  and God bless.
652478
If she really is interested in trying to be a better mom and making her kids have a good life, she won't shut you out or be jealous.  You can help her by being open and honest about your intentions with the children.  Tell her you love her children and just want to be an addition to their lives...if she truly loves them she will welcome another adult with her children's best interst at heart.\n\n I've been step mom for 15 years and even AFTER the divorce I still see the children and their mom and I are friendly because she knows that I cared for her children as my own and I still feel that way about them.  I recently remarried and my step children from my previous marriage were in my wedding and their mom attended!  Now that is a blended family....with only the best interst of the children at heart!
432726
YUH! I couldn't agree with you more. She brought it upon herself. How naive can you get? She wanted kids while she was young SO bad that she married a TOTAL poser who can't open his eyes enough to even see her, 2 kids with another woman who he LEFT to be with her because she was more popular than her! He probably was seeing one of the recent most popular women, he's a sick, poser, playing freak and she's just stupid. Two kids with that guy. Oh boy.... can't wait to see how those kids turn out... and HA!!!! He's trying to get full custody for them!!! Do you HONESTLY think he'll get any custody of them?? he has no money and sold close to no CDs. She is suffering this, she made her bed, now she can lay in it. Ha ha, I'm ranting on, but COME ON! It's so true! You're awesome. You took the works right out of my mouth. ;-)