Ok, this isn't a split your pants kind of joke, but tell me what you think of it:\nA mushroom walks into a bar, sits down, & orders a beer. Bartender looks him up & down, & says " We don't serve your kind here!!" Mushroom looks at him and says: "Why not? I'm a FUN-GUY" HAHA< HARDEE HAR HAR!!!
138813
So my first reaction was that this joke was kinda cheesy, but when I tried to tell it to my dad, I started laughing so hard that I couldn't tell it any more.  Thanks for the great joke!  I hope you have more to tell us :)
305296
JOKE TO UPLIFT YOUR SPIRITS:\n\nThere is this guy in a hospital bed just coming out of anasthetic haze.\n\nThe Doctors asks him: "Do you want to hear the GOOD NEWS or the BAD NEWS first?"\n\nPatient thinks for a while then says: " Let's hear the BAD NEWS."\n\nDoctor: "We had to cut BOTH YOUR LEGS!"\n\nPatient starts sobbing and then after a few minutes asks: "Doctor what is the GOOD NEWS?"\n\nDoctor: " The guy in the next bed has offered to BUY YOUR SHOES for 10 Dollars"
186900
Two men were drinking in a bar when one looks at the other and asks,\n“What are u drinking?”\nThe second one looks at him and says\n“Magic Beer”\nThe first guy exclaims, “Magic Beer?!?” The second guy says:\n“Yup, I can prove it by jumping off that cliff over there and flying right back up.”\n“Yea right,” Says the first guy. The second guy jumps off and comes back up perfectly unharmed. “Do it again.” The first guy said, and the second guy did it again.\n“Well, Im drunk enough to try.” He said. The first guy takes a sip of the Magic Beer and jumps off and falls to his death. The bartender just looks at the second guy and says:\n”You know, you can be real mean when your drunk Superman.”
89594
A bartender was working one day when a group of blondes enter the bar. They order a couple drinks and gather around a table chanting "51 days! 51 days!" Soon another group of blondes enter the bar and do the same, all the while chanting "51 days! 51 days!" The bartender became confused but didn't bother asking. Soon another blonde walks in with some sort of picture under her arm and joins the rest. The bartender becomes very curious so he waits until the shouting dies down and walks over to the table. The picture he saw was a children’s puzzle that was glued to cardboard. He asks what was with all the chanting. A blonde answers, "The box of this puzzle says 2-4 yrs. we finished it in 51 days!!"\n\nA blonde is in Florida and goes into a shoe store. She asks the guy at the counter to show her his best alligator (skin) shoes. So he does, and the blonde likes them. She asks what the price is, and the guy says $1000. She’s shocked and begs the man to lower the price. He doesn't. “Perhaps you should go make your own,” he says sarcastically. The blonde leaves the store without replying. Later that day the salesman is driving back home and sees the same blonde in a swamp with a shot gun. Suddenly an alligator swims up to the blonde. The blonde shoots at it and hits it. She pulls it up on shore next to a pile of other dead alligators. She flips the alligator over and yells, “Drat, this one doesn’t have shoes either!”\n\nThere was a blonde who wanted to earn some extra money, so she figured she would be a handywoman. She started early to her neighbor's on Saturday morning, knocked on the door and told him that she was the new local handywoman. "Do you have anything you need done around here?" she asked. "Well, I've been meaning to get that porch painted for awhile. How much will you charge?" The blond quickly responded, "$50!" "All right!" said the man "Paint and brushes are in the shed. If you need anything else, let me know." His wife, overhearing the entire conversation, thinks that this is a reasonable, fairly intelligent blonde, but wonders how she can charge so little for painting the porch that wrapped around the entire house! About an hour later, the blond returns to collect her money. "Done already?" said the man. "Yep," the blond replied. "And there was enough paint to give it two coats!" "Wow, that's great" he said. He hands her the money and as she turns to go she says, "Oh, and by the way, it’s not a porch, it's a Lexus."
540487
cool! Nice, clean, funny original joke - well, I hadn't heard it before any way...\n\nThanks for the chuckle and the 2 points
288371
Good one ;)\n\nOne of the few GOOD jokes I've ever heard!
572949
Strange but Quite Hilarious!!! Good Joke!!! Rating-9/10!!! Continue posting some other jokes!!!
631821
good one...Here's one....Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.\nThe first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."\nThe first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.\nThe second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.\nThe first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
317661
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!"\n\nThat won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!\n\nHe went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"\n\nShe said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"\n\nJohn said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."\n\n"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.\n\nThe next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."\n\nShe said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know,he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come ."
195156
Joke was really good and its " Fresh "..\nthats more importent..!!\nha..ha...!!\nplease post more jokes..!!\ni rate it as 1/1 =10/10 =100/100=10000/10000.........!
49385
I thought it was very funny.  I'm not a gay man (or a gay woman) but I assumed the joke was that Red Lobster is a middle-America chain restaurant that unsophisticated people  go to when they have a night out.  Come to think of it, I know some straight people that would also find the idea of ever setting foot inside a Red Lobster howlingly funny.
391683
lol, it was a very cheesey joke. . .but i laughed anyway lol, ive had a really bad day >_< i need jokes brign them on!! please??
359925
I got one for yah.... a man goes to a sky bar and orders a shot of tequila, then walks over to the window and jumps out. A few minutes later, the man enters the bar again. Another patrion at the bar see's this and asks the man how he is still alive. The man answers: the taquila give's you buoyancy. So the patron orders a shot of tequila and jumps out the window and..... DEAD!! The bartender looks at the other man and says... Your an a$$ hole SUPERMAN!
404265
Very funny, but even funnier that some people didn't get it!!!!\n\nSuperb.
666080
dirty but funny:\n\nThere was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.\n\nHe was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.\n\n"Except what?" the man asked.\n\n"Nothing, nothing."\n\n"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"\n\n"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"\n\n"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.\n\nThe old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"\n\nThe old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.\n\n"I'll take it!" said the businessman.\n\nThe old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.\n\nAfter he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.\n\nGasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
44102
The host of a fancy-dress party answered the door to find a middle aged man standing there completely naked except for a pair of briefs.\n"What are you supposed to be?", the host asked.\n"Premature ejeculation." the man replied confidently.\nThe host frowned, "I don't get it - all you're wearing is a pair of Y-fronts." \n"Exactly!" the man declaired, "I've come in my underpants!"
536343
THESE ARE GREAT ENJOY!!!\n A guy in a bar leans over to the guy next to him\n  and says, "Wanna hear a Michigan joke?"\n The guy replies, "Well, before you tell that joke, you should know something. I am 6' tall, 200 lbs. and I am a Michigan Graduate.\n The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", 225 lbs. and he  is a Michigan Graduate.\n The guy right next to him is 6'5", 250 lbs. and he is also a Michigan Graduate.\nNow, you still wanna tell me that joke?"\nThe first guy says, "No, not if I'm going to have\n to explain it three times"\n  > >************ ********* ********* *********\n\nIt was reported that the Michigan Football Coach Lloyd Carr will only be dressing 20 players for the Ohio State game\n ...the rest of the players will have to dress themselves!\n  > >************ ********* ********* *********\n  \nDid you hear that the University of MichigaN library burned to the ground? All five books in the library were completely destroyed... .\nthe football team is really upset by the fire; they\n hadn't colored in two of the books yet!\n  > >************ ********* ********* *********\n\n \n What's the only sign of intelligent life in Ann\n Arbor?\nColumbus : 187 Miles\n  > >************ ********* ********* *********\n What does the average University of Michigan\n student get on his SAT?\n Drool\n  > >************ ********* ********* *********\nHow do you get a Michigan Graduate off your front porch?\nPay him for the pizza\n  > >************ ********* ********* *********\nFour college Alumni were climbing a mountain one day:\nA OSU grad, a Michigan grad, a Penn State grad, and a Notre Dame grad.\nEach proclaimed to be the most loyal fan of their alma mater.\nAs they climbed higher, they argued as to which of them was the most loyal of all.\n They continued to argue all the way to the top when the Notre Dame grad hurled himself off the mountainside shouting, "This is for the fighting Irish!"\nNot wanting to be out done, the Penn State grad  threw himself off the mountain proclaiming, "This is for the Nittany Lions!"\nSeeing this, the OSU grad walked over and shouted, "This is for the Buckeyes!" and pushed the Michigan grad off the mountain.\n\n  > >************ ********* ********* *********\nWhat did the Michigan grad say to the OSU grad?\n  > >"Welcome to McDonalds. May I take your order please?"\n\n  > >************ ********* ********* *********\n A young man hired by a supermarket reported for hisfirst day of work.\nThe manager greeted him with a warm handshake and smile, gave him a broom and said, "Your first job will be to sweep the\nstore."\nBut, I'm a Michigan graduate," the young man\n replied indignantly, "I even played football there!"\nOh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the\nmanager.Here, give me the broom, I better show you how."\n\n  > >************ ********* ********* *********\n Two Michigan football players were hootin' and\nhollerin' while partying on campus when a bartender asked them why they were celebrating.\nThe smart one said proudly that they had just\n finished A  jigsaw puzzle and it only took them two months.\nTwo months?!" exclaimed the bartender.\nThe Wolverine proudly replied, "Yeah, the box said 4 -6 years!"\n  > >************ ********* ********* *********\n A Wolverine football player was almost killed today in a tragic horseback riding accident.\nHe fell from the horse and was nearly trampled to death. Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out an unplugged the horse just in time.\n  > >************ ********* ********* *********      A little boy and his mother were walking through a Michigan cemetery, when they came upon a headstone that read:"Here lies a\nMichigan graduate and a good man."The little boy asked his mother, "Mommy, wh