I once drank a soda that had two hornets in it. Both wound up in my mouth for a short period of time till i spit them out. They dried off and flew away.\n\nSo yeah thats my story and Im stickin to it...whats yours?
138021
Castor oil!  I almost got sick from that stuff!  Liver would be a close second.  :o(
585313
Did you ever do it? If so I'd like to know how funny the counter person thought it was. I work as an A.M in a fast food place and I think it would have been freakin hilarious!
333019
i one had an ant cleaning my deposited bacteria.. oh how i loved that ant it was my pride and joy however 1 day i was walking in the forest and a giant bear attacked me... ill never forget that day when i lost my ant quite sad really...
464832
That ranks right up there with mine.  I was in a wedding a few years back and nothing to eat + drinking waaaaay too much = not a pretty picture.  First of all remember this is a wedding and I'm in this beautiful red dress and there is a videographer taping everything.  So, after downing a few beers, and 8 or 9 jack and cokes, and then being stingy with not 1, but 2 bottles of champagne I decide to dance and hop around like the friggin easter bunny, after getting tired I suppose,  I head down into the ladies room to get some cold water and I end up laying on the floor (yeah, yuck) with an audience watching as someone is trying to make me drink some coffee and eat some bread.  Now, I must tell you this part so I can tell you the next part, this wedding was a friend and co-worker so keep in mind that ALOT of co-workers were there as well.  After having a few sips of water my boss....yes you heard right, my boss picks me up off the floor of the ladies room and takes me outside, so there I sat like a lawn ornament for a little while, I believe I had my picture taken with anyone who was out there at the time.  So on to how I get home....my boss puts me into the back of his pickup truck and sits with me while his wife drives me home.  As we pull into the driveway and the tailgate comes down....right there in front of everyone who followed me home to make sure I was ok it happened.   I puked on my boss and his brand new suit....not once, no, not twice, no, but three (3) times.   The story does not end there, my boss, his wife and the maintenance guy from where I work were all at my house and to this day I have no idea how I got out of the now ruined red dress and into my pajamas.  Oh I also woke up on the front porch of my house with my head in my nephew's car seat.  The great thing about all of this is....I still have my job.   Hope you enjoyed the story ;)
650635
This actually happened to me.  True story.  I was coming back from the 7-11 after buying a hostess twinkie when this rather disheveled man approached me.  He kept trying to touch me.  I kept pushing him but the more I pushed, the more aggressive he got.\n\nthat's when it hit me.  there was no more room in hell.\n\nI immediatly sprang into action.  I shoved the twinkie in his mouth and kicked him...in a very awkward place.  I ran screaming down Ventura Blvd (in LA) that the zombies were attacking.  Much to my horror, every face that looked at me was that of another zombie.  I was surrounded.  They were everywhere.\n\nNow I am a BIg fan of the (original) film Dawn of the Dead, but I saw what happened to those people...both times.  So I, screw the mall, I'm going to Universal City.  There has to be some safe haven there (hell, Spielberg had his offices there for the longest time).  Sure enough, I make the journey.\n\nSure enough, I was wrong...again.  Nothing but blank stares, lumbering bodies and mob mentality.  When I tried to explain my position to the woman in the booth that she shouldn't charge me three day's salary (hey, I'm underpaid) just to get in, she just looked at me like I was lunch and there was no way for her to crawl through the glass.\n\nI lost it.  I started screaming for asylum and broke through the gates.  I was like Andrew McCarthy in Invasion of the Body Snatchers scremaing, "They're here!  They're Here!"\n\nThey let me out of jail this morning.  Apparently...and I know this is becoming a recurring theme...I was wrong.\n\nIn fact, I think the guy who I stuffed the Twinkie in the mouth was trying to say, "thank you" through all that sponge cake.
366967
i almost died cause i burned myself with noodles...... so a manatee that will eat them all..\n\nthis is actually pp#2s story but i told it
650132
Apart from confessing my attraction for and want to be with you for everyone to see on Yahoo Answers? Probably it was this-when i was 3 i was sitting up on my Dads's chest and he was really tired. He kept drifting off to sleep but i wanted to play, so i had a biscuit in my hand. So, to wake him up and get his attention i said "Daddy, eat this" and with that plunged the half eaten jegged edge of the bisbuit DEEP into his eye, half blinding him. He did recover but i think the point is-i got his attention.\nWhose attention you after-an alien's, a leprechaun's. MMm?
322838
Oh boy, I happened to have a few. My first one was when I was about eight or nine. I was very best friends with Mary. Well, Mary's family had to go to church every single Sunday. This one particular Sunday I had the worst case of gas I have ever felt!! And of course, you can probably guess the rest, but I'll tell anyways. During a prayer; there was dead silence, you could have heard a pin drop, I let one go, and as you know pews in a church are made out of wood. That makes it echo like you wouldn't believe! Well, the whole church turned around and looked right at me, my best friend Mary, and her sister who were trying so hard not to laugh,it was obvious who did it. The Mom was horrified and kept telling us to shhh, but every time she did, we'd laugh harder. Very embarrassing...\nAnother brilliant move was; at a party. A grown up party as I seen it, I was 17 and the average age at this party was hmm..around 21 or so, so I felt like a big girl!! Well, everyone was out on the deck. I was drunk (when wasn't I?) and wanted to go out on the deck with all the "big girls". So what did I do? The doors going out to the deck were glass, I thought the door was open, everyone was looking although to this day I don't know why, and I, looking cool with my beer, smiling, walked smack dab into that window falling on my bum, making everyone laugh hysterically! Another very embarrassing. But before I go, I have to tell you ONE more. THis time I was a bit older, working at a bar helping out with my college funds. I was about 26, it was busy, PLUS this bar had two sliding glass doors going out to the deck in this bar. Now, I was carrying food, and about 15 beer on one tray. I knew everyone was looking at me, seeing if I would drop a beer. I knew I wouldn't as I was a good bartender, but little did I know, that my boss changed the door that was open, and closed that one, but opened the other one. Needless to say, she was just yelling out to me to "be carefu......." when SMACK! The tray I was carrying got pushed into ME, the beer all fell, the food was smushed right into my clothes, and the bar was packed!!! It took all of my being not to run out and never ever come back, but I knew I couldn't do that. So, I just left for a minute, trying to clean up my clothes, and just carried on. I then looked to make sure what sliding door was open and which wasn't. Everyone was still kinda snickering, so I told them "ok..laugh and get it out of your system!!" Which they did, but whenever I waited on them, they would all say things like "oh boy, look out...here she comes again"..I didn't live that one down for YEARS! So, there ya go. THREE embarrassing moments, not just one! Thanks for asking! lol.\nGOOD LUCK AND GOD BLESS!!
280155
How big was that cup?! I've found dead flies in my drink, but never, never a dead squirrel. I think you should contact Guiness Book of World Records.
574149
A spider damn near killed me. I was nineteen, and had gone from being super-fit, to contracting rheumatic fever that made me seriously ill, not too far from pegging out.  About two weeks after, still house-bound, I managed to stagger down the stairs to the bathroom, feeling very ill, with a slow, weak pulse and very low blood-pressure.  I wanted to use the toilet, but first wanted to splash my face and rinse my mouth.  I leant over the basin, and WAAAAH! LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THAT THING! My heart rate jumped to about 200beats a minute, instantly, I staggered, felt a terrible chest pain, and fell over backwards, hitting my head on the wall. Nice.\n  Another time, in Australia, getting some tables out of a friends garage, my eyes were struggling in the gloom with what appeared to be eight-fingered Workman's gloves, slowly moving on the floor... HOLY CRAP THEY'RE ALIVE!!! I was out of there instantly.  They were Huntsman spiders, known for descending onto birds' nests in trees, and eating young chicks! Vile, leathery-bodied freaks that actually drag their centres around, they seem too big and heavy to actually walk on their legs.\nYuck!
171829
Err why not made up, i am a good story teller. fine. you want a real story that is funny?... i was playing baseball/golf. i was hitting the golf ball as far as i could with those plastic yellow golf clubs. just plastic. i was so strong as a child ( i was 8 or so) that i swung so hard that on the follow-through i accidently hit my friend who was for some stupid reason standing right behind me. So this was plastic golf club, nothing should have happened, but as i said i was so strong that i cracked his head and made it bleed. ahahahahah. kinda sad. but whats funny is he asked me if anythign was wrong , and i said no man its all good. and like 2 minuutes later he says are you sure? so i look and say.. uhhhh i think its bleeding. and his whole face was covered in blood.
38393
cool... mad libs for one\n\nI got up one morning to the smell of mayhem and butterflies and I saw an ugly yellow shoe.  I thought to myself, "I could have had a V-8!" But then it hit me, I had to have been dreaming, because last I recall, I was in the darkest depths of hell doing Richard Gere's hamster and having the time of my life. I really don't know how I got here, but I wish I'd known then what I know now. I knew iambic pentameter didn't have to rhyme.
179608
I was shot in the left bicep with a .223 british military round. What did I think before? Well before it happened I thought, my god I hope I don't get shot, I hope I shoot the other guy first. When it happened it felt like a really big bee stung me on my arm, and then it started to burn really bad. Afterwards I thought, I hope somebody shot that son of a byatch, and somebody had already.
303984
yes a nice one:\nRead on the true incident of a lady and just keep on laughing !!!! \n\nOne day I met a sweet gentleman and fell in love. When it became apparent that we would marry, I made the supreme sacrifice and gave up eating beans.   \n\nSome months later, on my birthday, my car broke down on the way home from work.  Since I lived in the countryside I called my husband and told him that I would be late because I had to walk home. On my way, I passed by a small diner and the odour of baked beans was more than I could stand. With miles to walk, I figured that I would walk off any ill effects by the time I reached home, so I stopped at the dinner and before I knew it, I had consumed three large orders of baked beans. \n\nAll the way home, I made sure that I released all the gas.  Upon my arrival, my husband seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight."  He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat and just as he was about to remove my blindfold, the telephone rang.  He made me promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned and went to answer the call. The baked beans I had consumed were still affecting me and the pressure was becoming most unbearable, so while my husband was out of the room I seized the opportunity, shifted my weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of a pulpwood mill. \n\nI took my napkin from my lap and fanned the air around me vigorously.  Then, shifting to the other cheek, I ripped off three more. The stink was worse than oked=20cabbage. Keeping my ears carefully tuned to the conversation in the other room, I went on like this for another few minutes. \nThe pleasure was indescribable. When eventually the telephone farewells signalled the end of my freedom, I quickly fanned the air a few more times with my napkin, placed it on my lap and folded my hands back on it feeling very relieved and pleased with myself. My face must have been the picture of innocence when my husband returned, apologizing for taking so long. \n\nHe asked me if I had peeked through the blindfold, and I assured him I had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and twelve dinner guests seated around the table chorused: "Happy Birthday!"  I nearly died!
327954
in the USMC some people would get bored and especially the crew members for our helo's.... well they would have gross out contests one would do something disgusting and the other guy would have to best him....well the worst is when one guy went into the crew's shower poped the cap to the drain and scooped a spoonfull of muck from inside the drain and ate it... one guy even threw up that was watching him do it.  Just the thought of all that buildup of pubes and dirt and greese... :X  I was 20 when i saw it.  I don't do gross really i do alcohol lol i'm the only one to take two tall shots of everclear (190 proof grain liquor that has a warning on it to only use to mix drinks with lol)in a row in all my parties.  I threw up like the exorsist though lol i was 21... ahh memories.
287525
Why did the blonde sniff Sweet N Low?\n\nShe thought it was diet coke.\n\n((no offense to lbonde.. it's just really funny)
249937
this lady threw up on and down my boots.\nblood i could handle, but bile - yuck !\n\ni was an e.m.t. for about a year.\n\ni never got a s.i.d.s. call (thank god)