Okay... part one must have been too easy because someone got them all right away. I will try to make this one a bit more difficult. \n\n1. Don't make me take away your mastur bation privileges! \n\n2. We can love our pets, we just can't LOVE our pets. \n\n3. According to the map we've only gone 4 inches. \n\n4. He must have thought it was white boy day. It ain't white boy day, is it?\n\n5. You aren't really anybody in America if you're not on TV.\n\n6. Me ma still needs a caravan.\n\n7. Put that coffee down. Coffee is for closers.\n\n8. First of all I would like to make one thing perfectly clear. I never explain anything.\n\n9. Kids these days. They just don't get scared like they used to.\n\n10. That's pretty dangerous building a road in the middle of the street. I mean, if frogs couldn't hop, I'd be gone with the Schwin.
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Damn, I really should find something better to do...\n\n1. Saving Silverman\n2. The Truth About Cats & Dogs\n3. Dumb & Dumber\n4. True Romance\n5. To Die For\n6. Snatch\n7. Glengarry Glen Ross\n8. Mary Poppins\n9. Monsters Inc.\n10.The Muppet Movie
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a. Dick finally decided which boat to buy.\n    Dick made his decision while on the boat.\n\nb.  We were shocked that they appointed the professor.\n      The results of the professor's appointment with his\n      doctor were shocking.\n\nc. The design has big squares and various sizes of circles.\n    The design has big squares and big circles.\n\nd.The sheep dog has too much hair around his mouth so \n    he  cannot eat his food.\n    The sheepdog is too hairy for us to eat him.\n\ne. Could this be the hair tonic that the invisible man uses?\n     Could this be the man's hair tonic which is invisible?\n\nf.  The governor is a street fighter who fights dirty (uses unfair tactics)\n     The governor is a street fighter who is not very clean.\n\ng.  I really cannot give him a good recommendation.\n      I have more good things to say about him than I have time\n      to say them.\nh  Terry loves his wife and I love my wife.\n     Terry loves his wife and I love her too.\n\ni.  Yesterday, they  told me she would go soon.\n     They said yesterday was the day she was supposed to leave.\n\nj.  There is a section available where no smoking is allowed , \n     apart from the smoking section.\n    There is no section available where smoking is allowed.\n\nHope this helps you out.  Please study these so you will understand what is meant by ambiguity.\nEnjoy your Sunday!
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* Q: How many months have 28 days?\nA: All of them!\n\n* Q: What kind o kitchen applianence is the Titanic Famous for?\nA: The sink.\n\nWillie: My uncle started out as an unwanted child.\nDillie: Have things changed?\nWillie: You bet! Now he's wanted in 50 states.\n\nQ: night watchman was watching the owners prize horse. One night he dreamed the horse was run over by a train. He told the owner it was a sign that something bad was going to happen to the horse. What did the owner do? He fired the night watchman. Why?\nA:  The night watchman was sleeping on the job. (he is the NIGHT watchman every night so if he was dreaming... he had to be sleeping)\n\nPatient: Doctor, doctor!\nDoctor: Yes?\nPatient: My legs are blackening!\nDoctor: Hmm. Have you tried washing them?\nPatient: Why? Will it help?\n\nThis paragraph is so ordinary that you would think that nothing is wrong with it at all, in fact, nothing is. But it is unusual. Why? If you study and think about it, you may find out, but i am not going to assist you in any way. You must do it without any coaching. No doubt, if you work at it for long it will dawn on you-who knows? Go to work now and try your skill.\n There is no E in the paragraph.\n\nQ: What is NBC?\nA: A dumb way to start the alphabet.
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-- Angel Gutierrez, \nProfessor, University of Texas, Arlington- \nFounder of the La Raza Unida political party - \n"We have an aging white America. They are not making babies. They are dying. The explosion is in our population . . .They are shitting in their pants with fear...I love it. We have got to eliminate the gringo, and what I mean by that is, if the worst comes to the worst, we have got to kill him." \n\n-- Art Torres \nCalifornia Democratic Party chairman - \nAt the Latino Summit in Response to Prop 187 at U.C. Riverside (Jan. 14, 1995): \n"Power is not given to you, you have to take it! People say to me when I was on the Senate floor, when I was in the Senate, ' Why do you fight so hard for affirmative action programs? ' And I tell my white colleagues: because you're gonna need them. Remember, 187 is the last gasp of white America"\n\n-- Jose Baca \nCalifornia State Senator - \nIs Quoted 'THE LATINO's ARE COMING, THE LATINO's ARE COMING", Mocking The American Revolutionary Paul Revere- \n\n-- Richard Alatorre \nLos Angeles City Council - \n"They're afraid we're going to take over the governmental institutions and other institutions. They're right...We will take them over...We are here to stay." \n\n-- Augustin Cebada \nBrown Berets - \n"Go back to Boston! Go back to Plymouth Rock, Pilgrims! Get out! We are the future. You are old and tired. Go on. We have beaten you. Leave like beaten rats. You old white people. It is your duty to die . . Through love of having children, we are going to take over". \n\n-- Jose Pescador Osuna \nMexican Consul General - \n"We are practicing 'La Reconquista' in California." \n\nTaken From "Excelsior", The national newspaper of Mexico, \n"The American Southwest seems to be slowly returning to the jurisdiction of Mexico without firing a single shot." \n\n-- Fernando Guerra, \nProfessor, Loyola Marymount University - \n"We need to AVOID a WHITE BACKLASH by using CODES\nunderstood by Latinos . . . "\n\nTranslation Of OUR Anthem\n\nLOOK AT THESE WORDS FOLKS\n\nWhat so proudly we hail as night falls?\nIts stars and stripes floated YESTERDAY\nIn the fierce COMBAT, the sign of victory\nThe flame of BATTLE, in step with liberty.\nThroughout the night it WAS said, "It is being DEFENDED."\n\nOh, say! DOES IT STILL SHOW its beautiful stars\nOver the land of the free, the sacred flag?\n\nWe're brothers, it's OUR anthem.\nIn the fierce COMBAT, the sign of victory,\nThe flame of BATTLE, in step with liberty.\nThroughout the night it WAS said, "It is being DEFENDED."\nChorus: \n"Oh, say! DOES IT STILL SHOW its beautiful stars?\nOver the land of the free, the sacred flag?"\n\n\nPAY ATTENTION PEOPLE\n\nThis Is NO JOKE\n\nLOCK - n - LOAD
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(1)\nA couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?" \n(2)\nSherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. \nSome hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." \n"I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" replies Watson. \n"And what do you deduce from that?" \nWatson ponders for a minute. \n"Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" \nHolmes is silent for a moment. "Watson, you idiot!" he says. "Someone has stolen our tent!" \n\n------------------------------
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Carpe Diem and Viva la Independencia!\nIt's eight in the morning, I just got off work, and this Bud's for you!\n\nThis is the happiest I've been since, well, November 6, 2000, the day before the Bush Nightmare started.  \n\nI'd say celebrations are in order and WAAAAY overdue!\n\nJust think: in two years, two months, and one week, the evil lowlife bastard will be back in Crawford, unemployed, drunk, and smoking crack... just like he was before Daddy Warbucks bought him the governor's job.\n\nI look forward to the day the Smirking Baboon of Doom packs his bags and heads home.\n\nI wonder who he'll pardon in his last week?  You know damned well that all those Enron prikks will walk... makes me want to puke just thinking about it.  But at least HE'LL be gone!\n\nAnd the fun starts in just a little under two months!  I can't WAIT to see him start having those tantrums again!  It ought to be really good after the way he's been spoiled rotten for the last six years.  He'll be so bummed out he'll make Sally Struthers look like the Bluebird of Happiness.\n\nWork really sucked bad last night, but I laughed my @ss off for twelve straight hours.  And I still am.\nROTFLMFAO!!!!!
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Reporter: sir, are you aware that 3 Brazilian troops were killed in Iraq yesterday?\nBush: WHAT!? Oh that's terrible how horrible...\nReporter: Sir?\nBush: What?\nReporter: Only 3 Brazilian troops were killed\nBush: well how many is in a Brazilian\n\nAlso\n\nReporter: Mr. President! Do you wear boxers or briefs?\nBush: Depends\n\nand these top ten Bushisms\n\n10) "Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream." —LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000 \n\n9) "I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." —Greater Nashua, N.H., Jan. 27, 2000\n\n8) "I hear there's rumors on the Internets that we're going to have a draft." —second presidential debate, St. Louis, Mo., Oct. 8, 2004 \n\n7) "I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully." —Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000 \n\n6) "You work three jobs? … Uniquely American, isn't it? I mean, that is fantastic that you're doing that." —to a divorced mother of three, Omaha, Nebraska, Feb. 4, 2005 \n\n5) "Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNs aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country." —Poplar Bluff, Mo., Sept. 6, 2004 \n\n4) "They misunderestimated me." —Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000\n\n3) "Rarely is the questioned asked: Is our children learning?" —Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000\n\n2) "Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we." —Washington, D.C., Aug. 5, 2004 \n\n1) "There's an old saying in Tennessee — I know it's in Texas, probably in Tennessee — that says, fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again." —Nashville, Tenn., Sept. 17, 2002\n\nalso love the song parody\nI'm george dubya bush: leader of the free world\nI wanna bomb Iraq and when the world says no I say\nWHATEVA\n'cause this is my united states of WHATEVA\nand this is my united states of whateva\nand this is my united states of WHATEVA\nI talked to collen powel he said "sir maybe we should give the inspectors more time." I said no you know why?\n'cause this is my united states of WHATEVA\nand this is my united states of whateva\nand this is my united states of WHATEVA\n*beep**beep*\nHello?\nthis is Poten, Russia will veto war\nhmm I see... *click*WHATEVA\n'cause this is my united states of WHATEVA\nand this is my united states of whateva\nand this is my united states of WHATEVA\n*beep**beep*\nHello? \nThis is Binladden, You have not caught me yet.\nYou know what the Dubya stands for? Yet..\n'cause this is my united states of WHATEVA\nand this is my united states of whateva\nand this is my united states of WHATEVA\nSir, Korea's got nucs\nOh... tong tang ting tang tong. Translation: WHATEVA\n'cause this is my united states of WHATEVA\nand this is my united states of whateva\nand this is my united states of WHATEVA\n'cause this is my united states of WHATEVA\nand this is my united states of whateva\nand this is my united states of WHATEVA
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Spent an hour on you tube this morning watching clips of Bushisms. Was some of the funniest things i've ever seen.\n\nWhen he said all Gyneacologists should be able to practice their "love" on the women of America, i swear i nearly p.issed myself.\n\nI would've thought that was illegal, even in America..\n\nLOL Maybe he waved in Braille.\n\nI think Jane l wants you. You smooth talker.
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Let he who is without sin cast the FIRST stone-  Jesus of Nazareth.\n\nI have seen your postings over the last few days, honey, so don't even go there.....\n\nThey are always using the term neo-con....which doesn't apply to anyone I know...not entirely sure what it means. \nIs it that hard for them to spell? ----Lou bean\n\nI said the FIRST stone, or is that word too hard for you to understand, bean?\n\nMore intelligence than you , two college degrees, and my own business.\n\nOH and my Avatar and name is cooler than yours,  u bean.\n\nI doubt you have a law degree, since you claim to have NEVER seen a response from a liberal democrat that is thought provoking. Not even once, huh?\n\nWell here's another thing I have over you, bean. Experience. \n\nI would NEVER make the same claim as you about republican conservatives, because I have heard thought provoking questions from everybody, in college and in the world.\n\nWhere do u practice law bean. In your garage?\n\nWhat are you, about 3 ? Better get off the computer before your big bad daddy spanks you and sends you to bed without your cookie!\n\nBye bye sugar cakes. No more time to waste on little BEANIE BABIES !
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"I, I don't have a whole lot of time. Um, OK, I'm a former employee of Area 51 video tape imbedding project. I, I was let go on a medical discharge about a week ago and, and... [chokes] I've kind of been running across the country. Damn, I don't know where to start, they're, they're gonna, um, they'll triangulate on this position really soon.\nOK, um, um, OK, what we're thinking of as, as aliens, they're extradimensional beings, that, an earlier precursor of the, um, space program they made contact with. They are not what they claim to be. Uh, they've infiltrated a, a lot of aspects of, of, of the military establishment, particularly the Area 51 and.\nThe disasters that are coming, they, the military, I'm sorry, the government knows about them. And there's a lot of safe areas in this world that they could begin moving the population to now. They are not! They want those major population centers wiped out so that the few that are left will be more easily controllable." Faaip de Oiad -Tool\n(From transcripts of the Art Bell AM radio show, and Mother’s own edit.)
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my friends, mothers, friend:\nold guy with gray hair got into car, wearing a big black coat.\nkindly got into seat and bukled up.\nI ask what his name was and he said "Paul."\nhe would not say a last name though.\nhe said he would like to go to the edge of texas wich was okay because i was heading to california from alabama.\n3 hours into the trip we stopped at a chillies and had lunch. we where in a small town. it took him a while to get out of the car. after the meal. he kindly said to me "I do not need to go any further."\nI left him there. when i got to the car i found only a note on my seat saying "I was going to kill you, I planned to do it right before you said 'r u hungery?' but you were to nice. You are lucky you remind me of my mother. Anyone else I would have killed nyway.\n-Paul"
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MR. PRESIDENT, I'M HEADED TO MEXICO (Humor? You decide!)\n\nSubject: MR. PRESIDENT, I'M HEADED TO MEXICO \nDear President Bush: \nI'm about to plan a little trip with my family and extended family, and I would like to ask you to assist me. I'm going to walk across the border from the U.S. into Mexico, and I need to make a few arrangements. I know you can help with this. \nI plan to skip all the legal stuff like visas, ports, immigration quotas and laws. I'm sure they handle those things the same way you do here. \nSo, would you mind telling your buddy, President Vicente Fox, that I'm on my way over? Please let him know that I will be expecting the following: \n1. Free medical care for my entire family. \n2. English-speaking government bureaucrats for all services I might need, whether I use them or not. \n3. All government forms need to be printed in English. \n4. I want my kids to be taught by English-speaking teachers. \n5. Schools need to include classes on American culture and history. \n6. I want my kids to see the American flag flying on the top of the flag pole at their school with the Mexican flag flying lower down. \n7. Please plan to feed my kids at school for both breakfast and lunch. \n8. I will need a local Mexican driver's license so I can get easy access to government services. \n9. I do not plan to have any car insurance, and I won't make any effort to learn local traffic laws. \n10. In case one of the Mexican police officers does not get the memo from Pres. Fox to leave me alone, please be sure that all police officers speak English. \n11. I plan to fly the U.S. flag from my house top, put flag decals on my car, and have a gigantic lebration on July 4th. I do not want any complaints or negative comments from the locals. \n12. I would also like to have a nice job without paying any taxes, and don't enforce any labor laws or tax laws. \n13. Please tell all the people in the country to be extremely nice and never say a critical word about me, or about the strain I might place on the economy. \nI know this is an easy request because you already do all these things for all the people who come to the U.S. from Mexico. I am sure that Pres. Fox won't mind returning the favor if you ask him nicely. \nHowever, if he gives you any trouble, just invite him to go quail hunting with your V.P. \nThank you so much for your kind help.
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Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:\n\nJust after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.\n\n"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. I'm serious dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,looking stressed I immediately knew what to do.\n\n"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"\n\n"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute "She's having babies!"\n\n"What?" my shocked son demanded, "But their names are Bert and Ernie,Mom!"\n\nI was equally outraged. [duh]\n\n"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.\n \n"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.\n\n"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).\n\n"Yeah! Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed..\n\n"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with that sarcasm, in her voice)\n\nBy now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.\n\n"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We'reabout to witness the miracle of birth."\n \n"Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "yuck!"\n\n"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.\n\nWe peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tinyfoot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.\n\n"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.\n\n"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.\n\n"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.\n\n"Okay, okay." Squeamishly! , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.\n\n"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)\n\n"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.\n\nWe drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,Ernie, breathe," he urged.\n \n"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)\n\nThe Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.\n\n"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.\n\n"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr.. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"\n\nI gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.\n\n"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.\n\n"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. Infact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species,they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."\n\nHe blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr..Cameron."\n\nWe were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just....just...excited," my wife offered.\n\n"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.\n\nMore silence.\n\nThen my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh l
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1. I don't know how much do you make? Give me that much. \n2. How easy it was to steal stuff. \n3. Getting caught. \n4. Ha, being able to do virtually nothing and getting paid for it. \n5. Depends on your definition of 'good'. Hitler was good at making speeches. That doesn't mean he was 'good'. \n6. Ah screw them, I'm supposed to be working there right now. They won't care if I stop showing up. \n7. You listen here you son of a bitch. I want top quality health care and I want it now! Otherwise YOU are going to need a doctor. \n8. Kids, I love kids. I have one in every state. Luckily, I'm a dead-beat dad so you don't have to worry about me missing work for them. Then again, that would be a good excuse if I wanted a day off..... \n9. No, how about you give me a company car and pay for the gas? Ok slappy? Good. Glad you agree.
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Mav got up and went to church even though she really wanted to be on top of a mountain looking out over creation.  \n\nPreacher was the long winded one, and Mav has a short attention span, but she got to say goodbye to her friend that is moving.\n~~~~~~~~~\nEDIT\nEri - NEVER skip breakfast! Just eat it later. :D
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A man met a beautiful woman and he decided he wanted to marry her \nright away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." \n\nHe said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." .....\n\nWhoops.\n\n\n\nOk, here is my real joke, the only other one I can remember in my flu delirium.\n\n...as told to me by my best friend when she was eight and I was ten...\n\nIf you are on the potty and you are not American, what are you?\n\nyou're-a-peein'.....
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Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her, "Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?"\n\nShe was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. "It's called sexual intercourse, darling."\n\nLittle Tony just said, "Oh, OK" and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids.\n\nA few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It's called Bunk Beds! And Jimmy's Mom wants to talk to you!!"\n\n---x---\n\nJane caught her husband Bob searching high and low all around his living room.\n\nJane: 'What are you searching for?'\n\nBob: 'Hidden cameras!'\n\nJane: 'And what makes you think that there are hidden cameras here?'\n\nBob: 'That guy on TV knows exactly what I am doing. Why every few minutes he keeps saying 'You are watching MTV! How does he know that?'\n\n---x---\n\nThere was a priest and a minister on the side of a road. There was a sign that said, "Beware! The end is near!"\nA man drove past them and said, "You religious freaks! Get a real job!" After that, he turned a corner and the priest and minister heard a big splash. "Do you think," said the minister, "that we should just write "the bridge is out?"\n\n---x---\n\nTwo men are sitting drinking at a bar at the top of the Empire State Building, when the first man turns to the other and says "You know, last week I discovered that if you jump from the top of this building, the winds around the building are so intense that by the time you fall to the 10th floor, they carry you around the building and back into a window".\nThe bartender just shakes his head in disapproval while wiping the bar.\nThe second guy says, "What, are you nuts? There's no way that could happen."\n"No, its true," the first man says. "Let me prove it to you."\nHe gets up from the bar, jumps over the balcony, and plummets toward the street below. As he nears the 10th floor, the high winds whip him around the building and back into the 10th floor window and he takes the elevator back up to the bar.\nHe meets the second man, who looks quite astonished. "You know, I saw that with my own eyes, but that must have been a one time fluke."\n"No, I'll prove it again," says the first man as he jumps again. Just as he is hurtling toward the street, the 10th floor wind gently carries him around the building and into the window. Once upstairs he urges his fellow drinker to try it.\n"Well, why not." the second guy says, "It works. I'll try it." He jumps over the balcony, plunges downward passes the 11th, 10th 9th, 8th, floors. . . . . and hits the sidewalk with a SPLAT.\nBack upstairs the bartender turns to the other drinker and says, "You know Superman, you're a real jerk when you're drunk".\n\n---x---\n\nDialogues from a standard 3 class room (between two students Tom the smart and Johnny the genius & the teacher)\nTom: Teacher, teacher; is the bus is male or female?\nTeacher: Hmm…. (Thinks ….)\nJohnny: It’s female\nTom: But y Johnny?\nJohnny: B-coz everybody enters in it.\nTeacher is in trouble while Tom in doubt hearing this answer.\nTom: If bus is female and everybody enters in then y bus do not get pregnant?\nJohnny: B-coz all enters from back door.\nTeacher is now in deep trouble while Tom becomes more curious.\nTom insists: But driver and the checker enter from front door?\nJohnny: You didn’t notice ever!! They wear hat before entering.\n\n---x---\n\nAn autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. There are two things you need to make a ca