I have been with my mate for 10 years, we have 12 years age difference, he is older. I can't help but feel that I am somehow missing something. The levels of activity and interest are getting more noticable, at least to me. Life is comfortable and I have a free run of my time, except when he is not at work! He ignores my pleas for change and dismisses my emotions as a whole. I am tired of the indifference but am leary on the action I should take. Takling, crying and pleading hace got me NOWHERE~!
125119
Remember your marriage vows? For better or worse ..... You can't just walk out on a marriage just because it's done every day. It's not acceptable in God's eye sight. He instituted marriage. He won't dismiss us when we make him unhappy neither should you your husband. \n\nThat's why they say it is not to be taken lightly. It is a covenant.
277482
I think it is time to Chirp or get off the branch.  My wife and I had been dating for a while, I really loved her but did not ask her to get married.  She finally gave me a date by which to chirp or to get off the branch.  I chirped and it has been the best thing I ever did.  We have been married for many years and are more in love today then ever.  I would openly discuss your concerns with him and then let him know that you need commitment by say June 30.  If he doesn't make the commitment, move on to someone that truly loves you and someone that will make that commitment.  Too often, we stick with someone that we know is not right for us and then the years go by.  After it is too late, we realize that life is passing us by and we are in a relationship that is going nowhere.  I think people need to list the things that they want in a relationship/mate and then if after a few months they do stack up, they need to move on.  People really don't change much with time--if it doesnt feel right at first it probably wont get any better with time.   Good Luck!
381028
My husband used to be in the army so used to be away a lot, I tried to treat the time he was a way as time for me, and try to do things I wanted to do, evening classes, long pampering baths anything that is purely selfish that you don't usually have time to do.\n\nHe's no longer in the army but still works away occasionally, If we spend too much time together, especially when he works from home sometimes, it drives me mad, as I appreciate tme on my own as well as time with him.\n\nHe's been working from home for the last 3 weeks or so but is going on a course for a week tomorrow and much as I love him I can't wait, cos he's starting to get on my nerves, nothing major just a bit of treading on toes.\n\nI'll get loads done this week and feel much better in myself and closer to him too when he comes back.\n\nTreat Yourself, and think of it as ME time xx\n\np.s. we have been together 20yrs in all and it has always been a factor for us too, I guess it does get better, it did bother me more at first though
63302
I assume you are a female, it bugs me that you are comparing yourself to you mate. As human beings we all have something to offer, unique in our own way, you need to find what is unique and special about yourself.  Your confidence and self esteem seems to be a bit low and though your mate is saying all the right stuff now, if you don't feel it, then those words wouldn't mean a thing in the long run.   \nBe reminded that noone is perfect, instead of trying to find something to make him proud of you, find something that will make you proud of you and ultimately, he will be proud of you as well.
235127
I hear your frustration, but I also hear someone who is still in love with the person they married.  Sure, you don't feel for him the way you used but some of that is normal after 10 years, and some of that is from the financial frustration that is dragging you down.  Some times life just doesn't work out the way we had planned and we have to decide if it is best to adjust our expectations or change our lives.  This isn't easy as you have stated because you may find out that nothing changes or things are even worse without him.  Divorce is a huge step and a risk because it doesn't guarantee you that everything will get better.  I guess the big question is, can things change financially just because of a divorce?
541142
I sincerely hope you aren't confusing toughness for indifference.  I was married to someone who didn't express his feelings.  We did stay together for six years, but knowing how I felt and how similar it is to what you are going through, I hope you aren't in store for a world of hurt.\n\nPlease talk to him openly and let him know your concerns.  You should definitely do this sooner than later - when it would hurt even more if it isn't what you want to hear.  \n\nI wish you all the best and hope everything works out for you.  Just remember that sometimes when we look back it's the unanswered prayers that we are grateful for...
98195
I have been there...not exactly in the same circumstances but at 19 My relationship finished and i know the pain you are going through, i really do..it hurts so so much and you feel that there is nothing left for you...i am now ten years older and since my split up with that boyfriend, when i was 19, i have done so much with my life..much more than i would ever have done if i had stayed with him...i have more friends now...have had lots more boyfriend...have had an excellent time... going on girly holidays...travelling...meeting new people...i sometimes wish i could go back in time and tell my 19 year old self how wonderful my life was going to be...I can't do that but i can guarentee that your life will get better and better... you will get to know yourself better, you'll do different things, you'll get excited when you have a crush on some one new...believe me, it will happen i never thought it would when we first split up but i then went on to fancying someone different nearly every month...it was great fun. I am all settled down living with a boyfriend now, all grown up..but i look back on that time and smile..it was great...it will be hard for you but look to the future...don't let him string you along... get yourself dressed and go out with some friends...be with people you like. Life is great, you can make it great with out him. Hope this helps xxx
555508
The problem probably is that your not being direct enough.  You say your doing everything but you haven't done what needs to be done if you want to be with him.  You need to actually talk to him and tell him that it is him you miss and that you want to be a part of his life.  Right now he probably feels like you ended things and that he isn't willing to risk getting dumped again without being sure that this is what you want and that your willing to actually be with him through the bad times and not end things so easily.
602107
Have you tried to talk with your girlfriend about how you feel? When my sweetie feels like nothing is special, she talks with me and says "I miss when we used to ..." or "I feel like we are in a rut, do you think so too?" She usually gets the ball rolling and brings her dissatisfaction with the status quo to my attention. You can do the same. \n\nAnother idea is for each of you to list all the things you like and don't like about the relationship and compare your lists. You probably already know this, but when sharing your lists, do so in a positive and non-confrontational way.\n\nThen again, if this all sounds like too much work, figure out what you would like in the relationship and talk with her about that.\n\nJC
429609
Ok, as someone that's been with my favorite person for over 25 years...\n\n--I have toned down my temper--I pick my battles very carefully!\n--I am MUCH less selfish...I think more of how he will feel about something I am deciding on and I choose activities, etc. that we will both enjoy.\n--I TRY to work a little harder on house work stuff! I'm not great at it, but I'm still trying!
466180
How old are you guys? Maybe he's having a midlife crisis. 13 years is a long time. Don't throw in the towel if you feel there is still love in the relationship. One person can save the relationship even if the other person doesn't think it's what he wants. \n\nYou have to have faith in your relationship and find out what the issue is for him and show that you are willing to work on them. Go to counseling (see if your workplace offers anything employee assistance). Go to church more, get in tune with who you are and what you want. \n\nThe meds are a good start. But he won't see the changes for awhile so let them kick in and make a commitment to stay on them of they help you.\n\nI went through a similar situation and hubby and I restored our relationship. It can be done. He kept asking if we'd make it and I told him that people survived far more difficult obstacles.\n\nif you think it may be a midlife crisis try these sites..\nwww.midlifeclub.com\nwww.ojar.com
270878
So do i :-( you are lucky to have ur boyfriend by your side sometime. I feel neglected all the time by my bf. It seems he does not care anymore
117846
I warn my husband about this all the time.  I feel me and him don't have a deep mutual understanding of each other.  You know how with some people you have that love and understnading and emotional connection and with others you don't.  he and I don't have that - thought we did but we rushed into the marriage.  I keep telling him that if he continues to be that way - he complains and argues about everything that I am interested in and criticizes me for the way I do things ..doesn't understand the real me. We just doesn't have that real true love "connection" as your wife calls it and "emotional" understanding for one another ... he has no idea what i mean when i explain this to him; I tell him he's gonna be the guy that 10 years down the road the wife will say "i want a divorce" and the entire time he would never see it coming and would wonder "where did I go wrong - i thought everything was fine" ... but you know what .. I commend you for reading books and seeing a counselor.  I try to read books about this stuff to my husband and he gets mad and defensive or he'll just ignore what I'm reading to him.  If she doesn't give you that chance to work it out then she is just fed up and there is no hope.  Give her a little more time - although she probably feels less hurt becasue she knows you are still wanting to be with her so she's not scared about this time apart.  If you were to act like her and accept it - then it would scare her.  When I threaten to leave sometimes and he is beggin for me not to, I feel the urge to leave even more because I know I have the upper hand and he's wrong.  But .. if he would act like he wouldn't care for ex: one time he said "fine I'll pack your bags for you" I felt really vulnerable and hurt but it scared me ... and we ended up making up instead of me leaving.   Take everyones advice - just take it day by day - you'll be fine and she'll come around - if its over just let it go .. use what you have learned to help you out later.  Just note that women need emotional attention and understanding- we are weird like that.
337448
I feel that way all the time. I don't think I'm a big fan of change, and I find myself wishing I had done things differently, spent more time with different people and so on and so forth. \n\nMaybe you should look up your friends and give them a call to simply say "Hey, I'm alive, what's up?" :)
304814
war changes people and it is not an easy thing to go through.  I know of people who have made it work after war they are celebrating their 50th soon.  It was not easy but it was worth sticking it out.  Try falling in love with him again, find new things and try to be supportive.  I don't know what all the issues are but maybe counseling would help.
15818
Your partner might feel the same way.  Don’t be afraid.  Try to have a leave headed discussion.  Don’t drag in past fights.  Be fair, let them know you still care but that you are suffering and you know they are too.  You want them to be happy and you want happiness for yourself.  I hope this helps.
64571
Wow, that's a complicated problem.  It's going to be hard to try to answer this because I can't see the details when I'm typing.  \n\nYou say that you've been alone for about a month, which is long for you, but that you feel good about it.  Considering that you've been in a lot of unhappy relationships, that's probably understandable.  You sound like you're putting an awful lot of pressure on yourself to find "the one" before it's too late.  Then you take out this pressure, in turn, on your boyfriends.  I think in your concern to hurry up and find someone permanent, you're pushing yourself way too fast into relationships, and trying to stake a claim before you really know that you love them (otherwise, you wouldn't get over them in a couple of weeks...)\n\nHowever, knowing this about yourself isn't necesssarily going to help you change.  You could seek counselling, but that's expensive.  Here's what I would do, when I feel like I'm acting in ways that aren't in my best interest (and believe me, that's pretty often): \n\nFirst, take some more time off from relationships to get your head together.  You sound kind of panicky right now, which is not a good state to be in when you're starting to date somebody.  Try to balance yourself a little.\n\nWhen you are in a relationship next, and you want it to work out, you have to think *all* the time about the consequences of all your actions.  Being a good partner is work.  You can't just trust that you're going to act in a way that is good for you and the other person, you have to think about it.  Every morning, think to yourself, "How would I like this day to go?  Do I want to accomplish anything specific in my relationship?"  If you feel like talking about your partner about long term plans, etc., *stop* first and think:  "How is he going to react to this?  We've been dating for X number of weeks.  Is this an appropriate time to ask this question of him?"  \n\nAt the end of the day, think over what you and your partner have done that day, what conversations you have had.  Did anything upset either of you?  Can you do anything constructive to make it better?  Do you see yourself falling into your old patterns?\n\nI guess what I'm saying is, you can't always trust your instincts to work in your own best interests.  You have to put some control back into your mind.  This may not sound very fun, but it's often what relationships need most.\n\nTake your next relationship slowly.  *Think* about the moves you make before you make them.  Give yourself time to fall in love, without worrying for the moment about the future.  If you try too hard to grab it, it'll slip out of your hands.\n\nI don't know if any of this helps you, it's the advice I would (and have, at times) given myself, and it seems to help.  \n\nGood Luck