Mine is...\nOne day Jane met Tarzan in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and, during her questions about his life, she asked him how he managed for sex. "What's that?" he asked. She explained to him what sex was, and he said, "Oh,Tarzan use hole in trunk of tree."\n\nHorrified, she said, "Tarzan you have that all wrong! I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground, and spread her legs wide. "Here," she said, pointing, "You must put it in here."\n\nTarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "Why the hell did you do that?"\n\n"Tarzan check for bees!"
119715
got a job on a ship\nafter two weeks out i asked what do we do for sex out here?\nsomeone pointed to a barrel on deck and said "find the hole and use it"\nso i tried it and fell in love. then i asked how often can i use it.\nmonday,tuesday,thursday,friday,saturday, and sunday, i was told.\nwhat about wednesdays i asked?\nthey replied "that's your day in the barrel"
213761
Ha ha, Bobcat girl always had the best answers. I got kidnapped once - does that count (no, not really I'm just joking) - is love that dark murky awful thing that happens to your mind or am I getting it confused with something else?
416844
loved this one>> Needing someone is like needing a parachute, If he isn't there the first time, chances are u won't be needing him again!\n\nhere r some of mine\n\n"They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel."\n"Sometimes I wish I were a little kid again, skinned knees are easier to fix than broken hearts.  ~Author Unknown"\n"Can you imagine a world without men?  No crime and lots of happy fat women.  ~Attributed to both Marion Smith and Nicole Hollander" ...lol\n\nThanx
49160
The one about the girl who was tanning non-stop in tanning beds for like a week to look good in time for her upcoming wedding. She passed out, and basically dropped dead. They smelled something similar to meat burning and they found out she "cooked herself" from the inside out.
52009
One day... a girl was sick and her boyfriend had come over to fix her up and make her feel better... so he brought some soup, brownies, and a tape with some re-runs of the OC and Laguna Beach. He makes the soup and sets everything on a table next to her and pops in the tape. \n\nShe eats the soup and watches the video. Her boyfriend says that he's gotta go to meet a friend, so he leaves and she breaks out the brownies. She finishes them right as the video tape was over... right after Laguna Beach ends, it cuts to a scene with her boyfriend getting a blowjob from her best friend and she spits his cum into the bowl of brownie mix. \n\nHe looks at the camera and says, "You've just been dumped." \n\n\nI GOT THAT AS A FWD FROM A FRIEND, THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY SEND THAT TO HIM, MAKE HIM THINK ABOUT THOSE CHOCOLATES YOU SENT HIM, THE JERK.
43371
Three Girls Go Camping   \n \n  One day three women went camping - a blonde, a brunette and a redhead. The blonde suddenly had to go to the bathroom. She went into the woods with her toilet paper and did her business. \nWhile she was gone, the brunette and the redhead decided to play a joke on her. They skinned a rabbit and snuck up on the blonde, put the guts behind her and ran back to the campsite. Three minutes later they heard a scream. \n\nThen they waited another half an hour and the blonde came back, sweating. She said, "I had to poop so hard I pooped my guts out. But thanks to God and these two fingers, I stuffed them back in." \n \nNot Going To Try This Again   \n \n  A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and it immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. \nShe tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. \n\nFinally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. \n\nShe starts to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
447709
Tarzan! LOL\n\nIt was call "first born"
132205
Naugty like the devil! I guess.  LOL!\n\nWe did see a National Geographic show that the mating techniques of a frog may have been the Horny Toad. But like once a year they "did it " constantly.
616997
Here's some for ya:\n\n  A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left. \nWhen she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?'' \n\nShe looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.''\n \n\n  One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.\nEach of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.” \n\nCheer's
85476
Once upon a time a girl asked a guy, "Will you marry me?" And the guy said "NO!" the girl lived happily ever after and she went shopping and dancing and never had to cook, never had a dirty house and she never had a headache. \nTHE END\nNote to self:\n1)Girl talked to guy. 2)Girl asked guy a question. 3)Guy answered. 4)Girl lives her life happily. 5)Girl goes shopping. 6)Girl goes dancing. 7)Girl never has to cook. \n8)Girl never has a dirty house. 9)Girl NEVER has a headache. 10)I'm a single girl.
431029
Nice one fidgety .Reminds me of this one!\nWhen their marriage went through a rocky patch, a young couple went to see a marriage counsellor. The male counsellor listened while the wife outlined her grievances,the principal one being that her husband neglected her.\n"We've only been married two years," she said," but he never seems to take any interest in me. He never shows any affection. It seems as if he is bored with me already."\nThe husband simply shrugged his shoulders,so the counsellor decided to take drastic action.He went over to the wife and kissed her passionately. As the wife slumped back into her seat in shock,the counsellor turned to the husband and said:"Your wife needs that at least twice a week."\nThe husband replied:" well I can get here Tuesdays and Thursdays."
485308
Here's one for you:\nThere's a trucker driving along the highway in Nevada, and he starts to get really horny. He then sees a sign for a Brothel (whore house) 10 miles away. He begins to get very excited when he spots a note at the bottom of the sign which says: "Beware of Sandpaper Sally." He thinks this is a bit wierd but keeps driving and gets hornier and hornier. He finally gets to the Brothel, throws money down on the table, and says: "I want a whore." to which a woman repeats: "Okay, but the only girl we have left is Sally." He decides to take the offer and runs up to the room he's told Sally is in. He opens the door and sees the prettiest blond he's ever seen in his life, throws her down on the bed and procedes to have his way with her when he notices that she is a bit rough and dry down there. He asks what's wrong with her and she gets up and goes to the bathroom. She comes back and they start again. He says that it feels great and asks what she did. To which she replies:"I picked the scabs." \n\nHere's another:\nTwo men are sitting at a bar, one turns to the other and says:"I f*cked your mom."\nThe bar goes silent as everyone looks at the two men to see what is going to happen.\nOnce again, the first man repeats:"I f*cked your mom."\nTo which the other man replies:"Shut up dad, you're drunk."
195558
Was that you, you son of a b*tch.  \n\nI was sneaking over to my best friends house to get some off his wife while he was at work.  \n\nShe was rather bold when she invited me over in a whisper right in front of him and their young son to party.  I thought to myself - sh*t yeah,  all my smooth well rehearshed lines combined with those years in the gym had finally paid off.\n\nI had fantasized for years about exactly what I would do  with her and was prepared to take full advantage of the situation.  \n\nI dressed in my very best clothes that I had just picked up from the tailor and started over to her place.  \n\nAs I am crawling through some bushes (her and her husband live right behind me) rather stealthily, I hear this whirling noise so I look up.  All of a sudden, literally out of the blue,  f*cking splat!!!!!!!!!!!!\n\nA godd*m cake came crashing down all over me, my clothes, my flowers, and my 20 pack of condoms.  Everything was covered.  \n\nTo make it worse,  birds started swarming down on me like locust and apparently your f*cking cake gave them a case of the sh*its.  \n\nBy the time they had pecked all of the frosting off me, I was covered with whelps and looked like one of the gargoyles on Notre Dame cathedral, completely covered with runny bird sh*t.\n\nHaving just taken half a bottle of Viagra before I began this f*cking nightmare, nothing was going to stop me from relieving my now raging erection.  I persevered only to find out the b*tch was serious when she said come over and lets party.  \n\nIt was her 5 year olds birthday.\n\nA pretty lousy day all around - thanks for nothing you f*cker.
67910
A not-so-popular actor, recently out of work, found a prospecting lead in the want ads for a local zoo looking for someone with acting experience.  Taking a trip to the zoo, the proprieter explained the situation.\n\n"The zoo hasn't been getting very much funding," he explained, "and our prize Gorilla has been transferred from our zoo because we could not afford to care for him."\n\nThe proprietor explained that the Gorilla was the main attraction for most visitors, and as a temporary solution, needed someone to take the Gorilla's place.  He handed the actor a Gorilla suit and asked him to do as best as he could without letting anyone know that he was in disguise.  The actor accepted the job and was going to start promptly the next morning.\n\nThe morning started out slowly, but as people came by the gorilla pen, he began to act the part.  The larger the crowd became, the more zealous the actor became.  Before too long, the actor was jumping around, climbing up tree and swinging from branch to branch.  As the crowd began to clap louder at his antics, the actor became a bit too enthusiastic, swinging too far and landing outside of his pen into the lion's pit.\n\nThe actor got up and stared in fright as the lion got up, and starting at him began to walk slowly towards him.\n\n"Help! Help me!" the actor began to scream.\n\n"Shut up!" the Lion yelled, "or we'll all lose our frickin' jobs!"
318394
Bob was sitting across from his wife, Marlene, reading the paper when he noticed a story about a beautiful actress who was engaged to a football player known for his stupidity and penchant for fighting.\n\n"I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive women," he said to his wife.\n\nMarlene smiled at Bob. "Why thank you, dear."
70250
Let me tell you a story. This question was set to a knight who was very unhappy becouse he couldn't solve it, until he met an ugly old crone who said she would tell him the answer if he married her. Reluctantly he agreed, she told him the answer and the mystery was solved. When the crone arrived at his castle the knight was astonished to find her transformed into a beautiful maiden, she told him she was cursed to be a crone only half the day. He requested she be beautiful at night, which made her angry as people would mock her if she was a crone all day. He changed his mind and said be beautiful by day, which made her angry as she thought he didn't care what she looked like. So he said " I can't decide, you choose " At that moment the curse was broken as he had given her what every woman wants, HER OWN WAY.  (Of course every womans way is subtly different, and the exact details are something you will have to figure out. Mostly we wan't men to be able to read our minds and know what we are thinking)
280693
The English Patient....when he finds his love has died in a cave, he takes her up in his plane and crashes it.....\n\nBraveheart.......when his bride Marren had her throat slit and he goes for revenge...the deadness in his eyes, he didn't care whether he lived or died\n....and of course his death scene where they  quartered him and he sees his wife's ghost in the crowd smiling at him.\n\nI'm just such a schmuck for stuff like this....