At first it lead to huge problems with us as a couple, but he decided to go along with her as he cannot jeapordise his relationship with the children,I was very close to the eldest child but he has forgotten me now which causes my partner terrible stress.this daughter in law has fallen out with her mother and mother in law too but cannot stop them seeing the children. she has huge promblems to do with selfishness. I have children myself and many granchildren all of which I am very close to. Are their any words of wisdom out there in cyberland?
124311
I agree - it's selfish to use the children as 'tools' to hurt other people who love them and in return she is robbing them of a relationship with yourself and your partner. She's not only hurting you but her own kids too. Apart from that she is not setting a good example for her kids by manipulating and punishing people - it's cruel. Have you tried to resolve your differences with her?
197223
the mind is a terrible thing\n\nI have been lonely for a long time and have finally found a girl to love and marry so I am very happy but I have to deal with my children who are thinking I may be rushing it has only been two and one half years since wife died. And she wants her son to be there when we get married but he is in the service and cant come home for a long time. I guess i just have to learn patience.\n\nwell i have talked probably more than my quota\n\nGood luck and God Bless!!
613409
Sounds to  me like everything was kinda thrown together on short notice.  Also sounds like you were mighty gracious about the whole affair. I would have sat anywhere.  At least it is behind you now and you have learned something about your mother in law. Be proud your husband stands beside you but be ready to forgive if she comes and asks for it. She is his mother no matter what and you never want to be pointed to as the unforgiving, cruel daughter in law. By the way, I bet the bride didn't even know all that stuff was going on.
338899
My mother in law didnt like me either. She said it wouldnt last a year. Well its been 32 years and we no longer speak to her because she pulled some rel nasty stunts on our children. I say stay with him and ditch the mother in law too.
528655
Wow, that must be tough.  I think you should talk to your husband about it, let him know you respect his other family and children, but wish he would spend more time with you.  Tell him you love him and miss him.  Perhaps you are ready to start a family with him as well.  You could talk about this with him. Maybe you could befriend his first wife and do things with her and their children.  You could be more involved, help her out with the kids, etc.  Your husband might be even closer to you if he saw how much you love children that are his.  Instead of being jealous it would be better to put your energy into creating one big happy family.  This will be pleasing to your husband and when the time comes for you to have children his first wife might help you in return.  Develop a sisterly relationship with her instead of a competion for your husbands attention.  After all he probably spends more time there out of obligation to his children, something that will make him a good father to your own children someday.
385190
I live in a traditional asian home and my husband and I had trouble with his daughter for another marriage because she wasn't raisned traditionaly. Finaly it came down to him giving up the child and things became alot better. He could see that her being raised most of the time by another parent that is not traditional was making it difficult for us to raise our other children. He also felt bad for her for no reason other than the fact that things didn't work with her mom nand had trouble punishing her when she was bad. It was a mess and I was expecting our first child together. I was at the end of my rope. I told him to start going to see her somrplace else other then our house to see her. He ended up cheating on me while I was expecting and we almost got divorced. I told him If I took my kids to see someone else while we were together would he want me to keep the kids. He said no and stoped seeing her all thogether. It was the end of it, but we are now alot happier.\nSometimes things like this can ruin a marriage. Tell him how you feel it might turn into a fight, but you really need to lay down the law that this has to end with him letting the other kid rule your lives and not treating him the same as the others and that if he is unable to do that then you are going to lose it and it might end the marriage.
223363
Your wife caught you and her mother together, and that is why she took her life.  Don't you think you've provide enough uproar in your children's lives?  Do you really need to keep going down this road and make sure that your children are never able to have a happy home life and relationship of their own?  Do you really feel the need to make sure that your children spend the rest of their lives in therapy?  \nYou will never be a family again, their mother took her life as a result of your actions, she was their mother, and can not be replaced by their grandmother.  And subjecting them to the sick twisted relationship that you've gotten yourself involved in is not helping them.\nPersonally I hope someone in the family that you are now banished from, plucks up the idea of taking you to court and prove you an unfit parent and get those children away from you.  Your not mentally sound if you really truly believe that your wife has forgiven you.
653562
Having two kids is hard on you.  Life is full of responsibility and the grass will look greener on the other side of the fence won't it?  All I can say is that it will get easier as the children grow up.  Make sure that you still get out and see your friends alone and get out with your partner sometimes , alone.  Bein a Mum 24/7 with no chance to express yourself will grind you to the floor.  You don't say how long you were with your partner before you married but if you didn't know eachother inside out before you had children it is hard to find your new places in family life while keeping yourselves.....does that make sense?
216899
She is just feeling protective over her mother role.  She is their momma and she doesn't want you to try and fill her shoes or play mommy.  It is very delicate.  No matter what she did in her marriage doesn't matter.  Please be respectful not to push her about being around HER kids.  Respect the fact that she doesn't want you around them right now.  They shouldn't see you two together unless it is very serious.  I didn't introduce my daughter to her now step-dad until I was sure we were going to stay together.  They don't need to see different women in daddy's life.  You don't know how long you two will last just yet.  Give it time!!!!Don't tell her to back off or anything like that, you have no right to.  If you care at all about your b/f respect her wishes!!!  She'll come around if you do.  Don't make it worse, it is a delicate situation!!!  Why would you move in?  This isn't something that should be taken lightly.  Are you even engaged to him?  Like I said, the kids shouldn't see women in daddy's life unless it is serious enough as marriage is!  Sounds like you know you'll disrespect her wishes anyway!  Why ask then, if you are moving in?
519372
I would say she has  a serious problem.  She is very immature -- number one. She definitely needs help of the professional kind.  I know her family cares about her, but this kind of person only is concerned about her own self and how she can meet her own needs - no matter how odd they might be - and at the expence of her own families welfare. She needs a strong husband to stand up and say enough is enough.   And to tell her if she refuses to get the help she needs, then  he can no longer support her - emotionally or financially.  What kind of example is she setting for her children. Her husband should also think of that.  His kids are more important than the pathological relationship he has with his wife.
488376
Dear Mam, I was in a similar situation. I was in another state on top of it. He controlled everything, even the phone. When I got on he had to control the conversation, so my family quit calling. I was with him for 17 years.Because I was afraid of him. Now that is probably what is wrong with her, FEAR. He has probably threatened her and she feels she has no way out. Plus if you were close to her, dont you think she knows too? I missed my mom  sooo bad. Well she passed away before I got to see her after 2 years. He would never let me go visit any of my family alone so I feel for her. I don't believe that she knew what she was getting into. I didn't. He changed after we married.\nMy advise to you is wait and be patient. Believe me its killing her as much as you. To not see her mom I'm sure is hurting her. New Baby?\n She either keeps her mouth shut or they fight alot. Either way there will be heartbreak. Too bad you couldn't find a way to get her out of there but you see when you have more than what you grew up with, its hard to leave. Your daughters husband is nothing but an insecure bully that feels he has power over her. Makes him feel like a big man when you and I both know he's a very small man. Just has a loud voice and knows how to use his power.\nI too couldn't go anywhere with out my husband, he timed me when I went in the store, questioned me as to why it took so long and who was I talking to. He controlled the finances, He told my kids when and where they could go and who they could see and how long, that included church activities. I finally left after much proding from my church friends, 17 yrs later. I know exactly what is going on. I pray that she will come to her senses before that. I'm sure he is telling her that no one else will give her what he has and no one will love her either. Also He is probably demeaning her to keep her down and that she will have no friends no family or self esteem. So she will feel no one will want her so why leave? That is why I never left. I believed him! Why should'nt I? He was my husband and he would not hurt me. Trust me this man is a monster. He is narcisstic, anti social, among other things. \nTry putting an ad in the paper, classified, saying only what she will know. Maybe something can generate from that. Sounds horrible but it may be the only way. If she can't use her phone that will be very difficult to contact you. He keeps track of the phone records too. Believe me this guy is a scarey person.\nSorry this is so long, but there was alot to say. \nJust remember IF you reach her, let her know how much you love her NO MATTER WHAT.
56413
been there, done that.  your asking for a lot of grief.  just the age situation with the children is a burdon, not to mention the difference between your "going to be" and you.  you yourself said your not mature enough to make a decision...let that alone be a guide for you.  first time marrages are tough enough these days, let alone the second time around ones.  i have had experiance with taking on "the others" kids and it is very difficult to relate to them, win them over, have commonalities with them and just simply get close to them.  and if they are close to you in age i'd think there would be little for them to look up to.  kids are hard to win over when your trying to "replace" their mom or pop.  I'd think hard on this one before I jumped into the fire.  good luck.
102433
I understand your feelings.  Talk to Hubby about it.  Make him understand how it makes you feel.  He should be willing to help with your feeligns.  Some compromise is in order.  Because of the kids, they inlaws will be a part of your life, but how much a part is something you two can discuss.  Sounds to me like he can give a little, and you can as well.  Good luck!
500093
I  think  you  already know what you  have to do.     In  the  first place  how  do you know -besides  what she has told you -  that  her husband was abusive?      One  way or other, it is  absolutely clear to anybody with half a brain  the woman is using you ...   and  using  her  own  children as a   weapon  against you  if you  try to  stand up for yourself.    Well,   the ONLY  thing  possible  for you to do..  unless you want  to   stand there meekly  and let her destroy what should be the peace and  tranquility  of your and your husband's  lives -  is  take a  stand  and Tell  this selfish, self-centered, self-serving piece of  garbage  whom you so unfortunately  have as a daughter,  that  you have already done all -  and in fact  more -  than you have  the means to do..   She is;pulling one of the oldest  games in the book  with those who feel obliged to fall over backwards for her  because of blood relationship   .....emotional blackmail.... and you have  allowed yourselves to  fall for it hook, line, and sinker.    Enough  already.    You  can't   "save the world"  and   those are  HER children,  so you  cannot  be held  responsible for  them  either.      You  have  already allowed this outrageous situation  to go on  waaaaay  too long,  and the  very behaviour that you have  described,  defines her   exactly for what  she  really is....  a  mean,  selfish, ungrateful,  freeloading opportunist  who needs  to be made to  hit the road  before  she  succeeds in  ruining   your  and your husband's  lives,  and  your health.
499041
{sigh} probably just as well...the in-laws would never get along and that's not to mention the children and the terrible harassment they would get once they were old enough to go to the office organizer up in the drawer....mixed relationships are just so hard!
317436
Since you have a child together, the two of you will always be connected. You just have to learn to deal with it. Its hard, I know through personal experience. Good luck.
589591
Hi Beachbound,\n\nKudos on being a single mom for a teenager, that must be really hard (and especially from your description here). I have a lot of sympathy and respect for you and what you're dealing with, and I am grateful I have my wife to lean on during the rough times with our kids.\n\nI've never seen how you guys interact, I only have your description, but I did have some thoughts when I read your post. I also am focusing on you, since you are the adult, and you are the one who wants to resolve the issue, and the only person you have total control over is yourself: \n\n\n1. You say your daughter is well-behaved in many areas where she could cut loose -- except in the area of respecting you.  \n\nUsually a kid who is this disrespectful towards you as a matter of rebelliousness would also be indulging in lots of behaviors that you've told her not to do, as part of that rebellion.\n\nThe fact that she is MATURE (according to you) in those areas suggest that she has a problem with you and your specific relationship, not with authority per se. \n\n\n2. Yeah, kids hit teenager-dom and automatically become rebellious. This is normal and actually necessary to some degree, because they are trying to break things off as to be an independent adult. They ALWAYS have to go too far... and then come back as an adult and reestablish the relationship with their parents.\n\nIn a good parent/kid relationship, the kid will not have to push as hard to "escape" as they will in a relationship where the parent is trying to control things too much -- then they have to push harder in order to break free and establish their independence, before coming back (if they ever do).\n\nIt does sound like there are major control issues here. The more you dislike her behavior, the harder you try to control her, and she's just getting worse because of it. \n\nThis does not excuse her behavior -- yes, she probably is talking with a cruel tone, being snotty, and the like. But she's also a kid. She's immature, and still trying to figure all this out. She's not supposed to be perfect. She's still got stuff to learn.\n\nYou are the role model here. How you talk to her determines in part how she will talk to you. You have to somehow learn how to "guide" her behavior, yet give her room to mess up.\n\n\n3. To be honest, it sounds like you've cranked the screws too far. (No phone, no tv, punishing her constantly?) You also sound like the sort who really wants to make things work out your way. You have a clear sense of right and wrong and are not very prone to allowing people the flexibility to make mistakes.\n\nIf I were in her shoes (and I have three kids, btw, one who will be a teenager shortly), based on what you said here, I think I'd have a LOT of anger towards you for the way you'd treated me. I can see why she would react towards you this way.\n\nOverall, I think you've got such great intentions for you and your daughter, but you're trying too hard to control her and force her to do what you think is right. And you're SO exhausted right now. \n\nWhen a parent is doing what God wants, they are not exhausted in the way that you describe; they might get tired, true, and worry, but they also have a peace about them and trust that God's still in control of their kids, no matter how far they might stray.\n\nThis is going to hurt, I know, but I don't know any other way around it: First things first, you need to listen to your daughter, to find out what is going on. \n\nYou need to sit down with her with a clear head, promise you that you will not respond angrily to her or levy a punishment on her, and ask her to explain exactly why she is mad with you. \n\nAsk her for examples of ways she thinks you've offended her or disrespected her. Ask her what she wants in a mother. Ask her how she sees herself.\n\nDon't bother defending yourself right now. Don't try to justify anythi