I smoke and have commited to quitting.  I drink too much and have decided to quit that too.  I want to be a better mom.  How do I help my husband join me?  He is an alcholic and has been resently diagnose with copd.  I don't want to leave him.  I feel bad for him and don't think he could make it without us.
133632
You can't. You cannot make someone else change something about themselves, especially if they don't want to. You can only change something about yourself - with difficulty. Please don't think it is your responsibility to make sure that your husband makes it. You can only sort out yourself. Far be it for me to cite organisations but check out an Al-Anon meeting if you can. They can show you some signposts. It is up to you how you choose to follow them. Take care of yourself. Best of luck with your own recovery.
569406
Honey, you are not overreacting at all.  This man does not respect you.  I know it isn't an easy thing to do, but you need to get counseling.  Seems to me like he's manipulated you all these years.  You've lost yourself in this relationship.  I doubt very much that you are the same person you were before you married this man.  He's cheated on you so many times before, and your retaliation was to cheat on him again, of course, you felt terrible about this, because this was not in your nature.  You stooped to his level.  What you should do is leave.  It's going to be an extremely hard thing to do because you are, well, I guess I can say, you are pretty much addicted to this man.  Just like an alcoholic is addicted to alcohol, you know it's not good for you, but you keep drinking.  \n\nI don't know how old you are, but I can pretty much say that as you get older and you stay in this relationship longer, it's going to get harder.  I speak from experience.  I've been married now for almost 24 years with the same man.  And I am now realizing that I am an individual person. It took me this long to realize that I need to live for myself and not for my husband.  I've spent all my life trying to make him happy and he seems more miserable every day.  Why should I live with that, and why should you.  \n\nHow dare he stop you from working if you want to work.  That's a way of him staying in control of you.  Find yourself a part time job if necessary and open your own bank account, and every time you get yourself a little change put it in there.  Start planning your way out.  You will be so happy when you find yourself again.  And don't forget, God is there for you.  Ask him to guide you, believe me, He will.
350568
From my own experience, I say go and get a better life, as you only have 1 life to live. You try and try, until you spin your wheels.\n\nI was married to a guy for 13 years and we had 3 kids.  He drank every day, and our life was hell.  Life goes on, and now I have a wonderful husband, and we've been married for 15 years.  I bailed and it turned out good.   I went to counseling and Alanon befe I made my decision.  You may find someone wonderful.\n\nThe best thing you can do when dealing with an alcoholic spouse is to detach from the abuse of the alcoholic. You can do this if you truly love your spouse and want to help them to possible sobriety. The more you focus all your energies on the alcoholic, the less likely he is to get sober. This article focuses on how you can detach and remain healthy mentally.\n\nDon’t Make Alcoholism Your Problem\n\nIf you have never read any of the Al-anon material then you probably don’t know that you are making the disease of alcoholism YOUR problem. One of the sad facts of living with an alcoholic is we become just as mentally and emotionally sick as the alcoholic. This happens because every step of life we take, and every breath of air we breathe has some involvement with the alcoholic. Our emotions overtake our own mental health as we try and cope with the deterioration of the alcoholic in our life. What are we doing wrong? We are concentrating too much on the disease, instead of concentrating on our mental and emotional health. We may as well be tipping the bottle for them. Better yet, we may as well be drinking with them!\n\nDon’t Enable\n\nMost spouses of alcoholics don’t realize they are helping their spouse drink just by a few simple behaviors and actions. Several ways in which you may be enabling your spouse to drink is by buying them alcohol, drinking with them, calling the boss and or family members for him because he is too hung over or too drunk to do it himself. Lying to friends, boss, family and co-workers about him and his drinking problem. Taking them to the store, arguing with them, and behaving like a victim. You are not the victim of alcoholism until you make yourself BEcome the victim.\n\nGet Off The Pity Pot\n\nGet off of the pity pot and begin living for yourself, instead of living for the alcoholic. “Oh poor me, everyday I am suffering and I can’t take it anymore” attitude won’t get you anywhere. You need to take care of yourself and that cannot be done if you are focusing all of your attention on the alcoholic and what he is doing or what he isn’t doing. Start focusing on what you can do for yourself. Get out of the house, don’t hang around the alcoholic, and don’t let them abuse you with their words. If you care about the alcoholic in your life, this is what helps them more than anything else.\n\nDetach With Love\n\nYou are powerless to getting your loved one to stop drinking. The first step in being able to detach is by realizing that the shenanigans of the alcoholic is not your problem. Don’t try and fix their messes for them. Not only does this enable them to continue drinking, but also it justifies their drinking. Don’t have any interaction with the alcoholic while they are drinking; that includes, talking and arguing with them. Why fuss and fight with someone who has lost the ability to make any sense? Don’t become ensnared in the alcoholic trap with them. Stay out of the trap, so you can help them. Ninety-five percent of what an alcoholic says is manipulative and hogwash anyway. Don’t start believing in the lies of the disease. Separate yourself from the antics of the alcoholic.\nhttp://www.mayoclinic.com/health/alcoholism/DS00340\nhttp://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bipolar-disorder/AN00920\nhttp://www.maricopa.gov/benefits/pdf/AA/Living_with_Alcoholic.pdf\nhttp://www.connexions-direct.com/index.cfm?pid=152&catalogueContentID=420\nhttp://web4health.info/en/answers/add-living-with-an-alcoholic.htm\nhttp://www.dooyoo.co.uk/archive-lif
378702
one night you should tell him to take it easy, and you should cook like your favorite meal, and then pop the question.....make it a speech tell him "He's my homemaker, housewife and my everything when I get home from a long day of work. I manage a large portion of a company and have just recently been too sick to function. He has nursed me and been by my side the entire time, never leaving me for more than a few minutes at a time (he has to shower and go to the bathroom afterall.) We're a solid foundation together, and now that I'm feeling better (and I have a ring).. I want to do it." its very much from the heart i can tell, good luck sweety with everything and congrats on the baby!!
314847
I FEEL SO BAD! Where's the time for you? I didn't see anything for you at all. I didn't see any counseling for yourself. My fiancee has ADHD also and I know how that part of what you're going through. We're not married yet, but it's taken quite a bit to get his mom to finally accept our relationship but, your mothers treatment is UNACCEPTABLE! You ever watch the Nanny on tv? She says a childs behavior is UNACCEPTABLE quite a bit. She's not a child (which would be more Acceptable) she should be showing you more respect. You can only do what you can handle. You're first priority is to yourself and your immediate family. Meaning you, your children and your spouse. Your husband needs to stand up to the plate. (as my fiancee finally did) He needs to back you when it comes to his mother. His first priority is with you and your children. He also needs to be helping you with the children and around the house as much as possible. Even though he doesn't work, you two need to have a night out once-in-awhile by yourselves. Maybe, you can talk to your mother-in-law about a limit of times to help her and she in return watches the children for you night out. By this I mean EQUAL TIME. As far as the bills, reality isn't that your mother-in-law is going to pay the bills. First off, I don't see if you're living with your mother-in-law but, if you are that's going to be a majority of the problem. Which getting your own place would be greatly advised. There are places that can help with deposits and financial resources. In all, it makes me believe you are living with your mother-in-law and that's going to be a very hard and stressful situation. My advise is to move. Your husband may be ADHD (so is my fiancee) but, he still needs to know he is to be responsible. Write down what he needs to do and try to involve the children in all the chores. Watch "The Nanny." Or go online if you can't get that show in. She helps not only the children but, the relationship with the parents towards how to keep everything together. You're not a work horse and no one should treat you according. Good Luck!
292274
Yes it only gets harder the longer you smoke. What I would do is tell him if he is going to continue to smoke that you don't want to be with him anymore because it is not good for him and you are only looking toward his well-being.  Make him realize that life is too precious to let cigarettes kill him.  If he choose cigarettes over you then he never really loved you and you shouldn't be with him anyway, but if he chooses you and quits smoking then you are free!  Good luck!
350389
My husband thought he hurt his back at work. Went to hospital was told he had pneumonia and a cracked rib it got worse went back again. He was diagnised March 20th passed June 6th.  He went thru radiation chemo gamma knife procedure and took the drug tarceva. I miss himm so bad I cannot stand it. We threw barbeques for friends and family had parties went where ever he wanted to go ate what he wanted to eatwe even got up at midnight and played pool til 4 am. The hardest part was watching him disappear before my very eyes. And of course losing him. We do have children and thats the only reason I am still here. But it hurts so bad my heart is broken in a million pieces.I am still mad scared and empty. Yes do stay strong and let her know you love her and that she is important to you. So very sorry. Good luck
540802
Hey, you have my name!  J/K, glad to see another believer has my name at least.  My thoughts and prayers for you are that you truly seek God's face during this time.  Getting married will not solve your fiance's situation.  In fact, it might compound it with the newness of marriage and everything sexual involved with it.  I commend him for his want to overcome his situation, and I truly believe he needs to seek Godly counseling through the pastor or another strong believer with experience in these areas.  You, also, should attend counseling.  Don't let co-dependency conform you to "accepting" his addiction because your love is all powerful.  It can happen and that I believe is not God's will.  We should love God first, and our spouse second.  In this be on your face seeking God's will for your life.  Another thing for your fiance to keep in mind is that he doesn't have to prove anything to God, God knows every hair on our heads, I would think he knows what is in the depths of each of our hearts too.  He really has to live a different life daily and dissociate himself from everything to date that has caused his situation.  Counseling, support and accountability are what he needs big time.  Prayers and love =)
316494
The scorn that 'The Pilot' has just poured out on you in unjustified.  Your husband made marriage vows, you have needs, if he were in your shoes he would probably have done something about the situation long ago.  I think you need to take a complete break from routine, say go to a hotel, order in dinner, and talk to each other.  Remind him of the times he chased you around, tell him how lonely you are, how hurt you feel, how you need more than the nothing you are being given.  With his health problems, I'd be bothering my wife as if every day were my last!\nYou deserve to be loved, more than the love for a piece of furniture, which is all he is showing you.  He loves having you around, wouldn't know what to do without you, etc.  It's very difficult to think of leaving someone you have so much history with, and who is in poor health, but DON'T let guilt keep you unfulfilled.\nTALK!
30408
I've been battling this addiction for years myself.  It is not an easy thing to kick! But coming from someone who's been there let me offer a few suggestions:\n\n1.  Support, don't condemn. What I mean is realize he is acting on very normal impulses, but seeking relief in unhealthy ways. If you make him feel guilty about it, it'll only compound the problem.\n2.  Get him to agree to be held accountable for his actions.  If you are his wife/partner, encourage him to talk to you or someone else he trusts whenever he feels he cannot resist the temptation.\n3.  Get him to seek spiritual help.  I am a born again believer in the Lord Jesus Christ.  It's only by His strength I can and will overcome this addiction!\n4.  Encourage him to take it a day at a time (a minute at a time if necessary).\n5.  If he stumbles, encourage him to confess it, ask forgiveness from God, and get back on the wagon (knowing he's been forgiven).\n6.  NEVER give up on him! And do your best not to allow him to give up on himself.\n\nThere may come a point where there's nothing more that you can do for this man (save pray for him).  If that time comes, don't be afraid to leave him in God's capable, loving hands.  You can't heal him, but God is eager and well able to do just that! I, on my part will endeavor to pray for you and your friend as I'm reminded to do so.  If I can help you further, drop me an email.
208465
I agree that he should not be drinking and taking meds at the same time deadly combination!!! Now for you and your son need to GET OUT OF THE HOUSE!!!!!!!!! Your husband needs help the best way to get the right help for him is to have him admitted to a hospital so correct meds can be given and he can be monitored properly. UNDERSTAND YOU ARE IN DANGER AND SO IS YOUR SON UNFORTUNATELY YOU HUSBAND MAY HURT YOU OR CHILD OR BOTH TILL HE IS PROPERLY MEDICATED AND GETS PROPER COUNSELING
311655
Same here. I quit a month ago.  I've tried to quit like 100 times and it never worked.  Then one day I got sick from something I ate and didn't feel like smoking that day and then it was weird because that feeling just stuck with me.  I've even lost 2lbs.  Usually when I try to quit I gain 15lbs.  I guess God thought it was time for me quit.  I'm a true believer that He can do anything.  I smoked just about 2 packs a day from the time I was 13 unitl now at 36 and I questioned why I didn't have cravings or anything. My husband and kids can't get over the fact that I'm not bitchy either.  Well, I'm done questioning,,,I'm just thankful I am a non-smoker and you should be too!!
643061
After reading your question I have come to the conclusion that you don't want to stop drinking. #1. You don't want to travel for assistance. #2. You don't want to go to AA. These are excuses. You are not going to respect anyone's opinion. Let me tell you that you are a goner. I know that I am sounding pretty rough. Well, the reason is that I have been there. Thirty years of feeling sorry for myself. I tried AA and listened intently to every other person's problems. The one thing that I really picked up on was that only I could make myself stop with the wine. It made sense to me. The morning arrived that I awakened and was about to have a belt of port to get myself going], when I realized that I didn't want anymore. I am proud today because I did it myself. It has been thirty years since that awakening. My self esteem and confidence returned to the point that I was able to have myself elevated through the ensuing years to the position of Ballalion Chief in the fire service. Take both of your hands and grab your ass and get it done. God bless you for sharing your problem, it's a start.
325960
I feel you. I think he could have try harder if he wanted to. I know the excuse "i forgot" or I was going to do it relax" and you didnt see shit done. If it is going to be like that I feel you should move out and take a break let him know you are not happy at all and you are under a lot of stress. What will he do without you. He needs to appreciate the things you do as a mother and wife. You need a man not another child you have to take care of. You must feel really lonely and yearning for a man.Take a break and try to relax, go out with friends and take a deep breathe.Try not to overthink yourself cause you will go crazy. I know you have bills to pay but figure out how to get out of this rotation with him cause after awhile it gets pretty tiring. I hope nothing but the best for you and take it one step at a time.
565509
Record your calls if possible. Then you can hear when you're sober what you are saying and in what tone. It is possible he is trying to play some kind of guilt trip. Keep in mind though, that some people do become angry drunks. Some mellow, some cry, some get mad. I noticed in my earlier years that the mood I am in at the time I have a drink seems to be escalated if I continue to drink. If it is an issue with the alcohol, then why not stop? If he is this great love of your life, which would you rather have the bottle or him? Plus if you have an issue with the alcohol, think about what may happen if you do get married and have children?
172893
Sounds just like me and my now husband.  We changed everything. Our friends our jobs.everything. AA helps alot. Go to different meetings they are all different. Take some of it leave some of it, some of it is cheesy. Him and I both knew nothing other than drinking. It just seemed like the thing to do. Finally one day he screwed up really bad and it was done. Our lives are great..one year 2 days ago.SOBER. Give it a chance ....from one drunk to another give it a try !!!!!!!!!QUIT.
523521
Try a intervention group to sober up and help your hubby quit his drinking.\nThe love you had for him was strong enough to have two kids by him and stay in this situation for five years.\nI know you are lonely , need and crave a true help mate . your kids need a sober Dad. You need a sober mate who will be the kind of husband your desired to have when you married him.\nYou need to be the strong one and help not hinder him at this time.\nOnce he drys out he can once again be the wonderful man you fell in love with and gave your life to.\nYour children deserve at least this much effort.\n I know what I am talking about , My wife did this for me and I have been sober for 22 years now. I also know I put her through Hell for 14 years. She at one point before I sobered up was in the exact same frame of mind you are in now. \nFor yes you do deserve to be happy. And by keeping your marriage pure. It proves you believe in the purity of marriage it also proves you still have feelings for this drunk you live with or you would not care if you defiled you marriage by sleeping with this guy you can talk to. honsetly if you could do the same with your husband would you have ever gave this other guy a second look???\n Please try and get him help for your self ,for him and for your kids. If he refuses to get help , call the cops claim abuse have him thrown in the drunk tank .When he sobers up confront him and show him what he is about to lose .Then say Goodby if all efforts fail.