Today a co-worker was collecting soda cans from people. When another co-worker asked her what they were for she said "for the starving children". Then he said, "Oh yeah starving kids will eat anything..". : )  So what's the weirdest or funniest thing you heard today?
119368
"My security badge doesn't work."\n\n"Yeah, we're changing out the access control system.  You'll need a new badge to get into the office."\n\n"Okay...when can I get a new badge."\n\n"Some time next week. We just ordered them yesterday."\n\n"Next week?  How long have you known we were changing the system?"\n\n"It's been on the schedule since before Christmas.  Why?"\n\n\nD'oh!!!
471265
ROTFLMAOASTC LOL that is the best one i have heard all day LOL i am stil laughing at this LOL oh god i have tears in my eyes LOL you are too funny LOL
597587
Hmmm. It's time to take our studio audience all the way to Zimbabwe.\n\nNews Reporter (NR): What are the restrictions imposed on your country by the American Democracy and Economic Recovery Act?"\n\nCitizen(C): " I don't know good sir, but I am so hungry and thirsty, could you just give me a taste of your soda I see in your hand?"\n\nNR: "Sir, sir, will you just answer the question?"\n\nC: I am dying from thirst, please.\n\nNR: Well, I'll take that as a no comment.\n\nC: Sir, where are you going? I am thirsty. Do you think any of us knows what is going on? Sir? We are peons.  But rest assured that sh** roles down hill, so anything the US does to our government, it does to us first.  They wil not go hungry or thirsty, our government officials.  They are at the top. Sir?..........Sir..........oh for god's sake! I am thirsty!\n(Speaking to NR's back as he and his crew walk to van, ignoring C and load their equipment back into it.)
82121
LOL!!! OH MY GOSH!!! I HAVE A MOUTHFUL OF STORIES LOL!! I did inbound customer service, that is funnier than actually dealing with a person face to face. \n\nRoadside assistance: An old woman calls me up terrified. She had pulled her Cadillac Deville over on the side of a busy freeway because both turn signals were on. I had to stifle my laughter and tell her "Mam, you tripped your emergency blinkers, push the button below  your steering wheel that has the orange triangle on it and you are good to go"  That call was not uncommon, I dealt with a lot of older folks who were not used to all the fancy stuff on cars. \n\nI had a tow truck driver call me who was scared to death because he was at a customer's house who had a flat tire. The guy lost the key to his tire, the car had to be towed into the dealership because the tire could not be removed without the key. (it was Thanksgiving day) of course nobody was opened on THanksgiving. The guy was trying to hold the driver hostage and you could hear the guy yelling in the background. I'M NOT LETTING HIM GO!! BESIDES I THINK I LIKE HIM IN A VERY SPECIAL WAY!!" \n\nI worked for Nestle consumer services. A woman calls in a panic asking me what to do because her kid snuffed coffee mate up his nose. Don't call me, call your doctor. \n\nI had another woman call because her kid was throwing up severely after drinking some of our Juice, the woman said the can was rusty and when she gave the kid the juice. I told her that is why the child was sick. She then said "well I am not a bad mother, I just didn't want to waste the juice" :S  HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S YOUR SIGN. LOL\n\nAnother time some guy called screaming at me because his daughter fixed herself some hot cocoa and the cocoa had little worms in it you know the ones that get into flour and oatmeal and stuff. SHe drank it anyway and was sick I began to question WHY She would drink cocoa with worms in it and all the guy could say is he took a drink of her cocoa after she got sick and he was a little sick himself. He wanted to sue NEstle > LOL the dork had the stuff on his shelf for over a year with the excuse that they only drink it during the colder seasons. LOL HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERE'S YOUR SIGN ! LOL!\n\nI can keep going LOL BUT ISN'T OUR WORLD A CRAZY PLACE.
594367
That is SOOO funny --- and I've NEVER HEARD it, before.....\n\n(Kudo's to you --- that's one I'll be telling........)  LMAO!!!!!!
515210
Hey. Thats real cute.\n\nI got\n\nI MURDERED A CANNIBAL BECAUSE I ENJOY IT\n\nThanks for that so one for you to laugh\n\nSchool days\n\nA young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class\none day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on\nthe chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in\nthe class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"\n\n"I just saw one of your garters!"\n\n"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"\n\nThe teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten\nto title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the\nchalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male\nstudent. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"\n\n"I just saw both of your garters!"\n\nAgain, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment\nis more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"\n\nEmbarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around\nagain. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of\nlaughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little\nJohnny leaving the classroom.\n\n"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.\n\n"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"\n\nBYE - Imtiyaz G
196258
A blonde heard that taking a bath in milk makes you look beautiful. So she left a note to her milkman telling him to leave her 15 gallons of milk. When the milkman received the note, he thought that there must me some mistake, so he knocked on the blondes door to clarify the order.\n\n"Excuse me, miss, but...is this request written correctly?"he asked.\n\n"Yes it is," replied the blonde."I'm going to fill up my bath tub with it.\n\n"Would you like that pasteurized?"inquired the milkman.\n\n"No,"said the blonde. "Just up to my waist."
113278
Zen master order at the hot dog cart...."Make me One with everything"\n\n\n\n\nok, i stole that joke, but it is funny :)
7382
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had \ngreat seats right behind their team's bench... After the game, he asked \nher how she liked the experience. \n \n"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and \nall the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." \n \nDumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" \n \n"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest \nof the game, all they kept screaming was: Get the quarterback! Get the \nquarterback!' Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!"
390696
Captain and Coke. And thanks. I'll get the next round.\n\nHey, should we all order up some nachos or something?
253807
I just barfed - thank you for helping me to clean out my innards.\n\nKeep dreaming, buddy boy!
473673
LOL.  I liked it.  Best joke I've heard all day. :)  Thanks for cheering me up, I had a shitty day so far.
339432
That's the best joke I've heard on this site in a LONG time!\n\nThanks for the laughs! Keep up the great work!!\n\n(Gotta remember this one for the folks at work!)
140968
That was so funny. My kids cracked up.  Now I am worried that they will try, but thanks I needed a good laugh today.
190637
LMFAO! Ha ha ha, thats the funniest think I've heard all day. That reminds me of this 'Poopy Poem' I read once. Ha ha ha. I am so totally The Scamp! Ha ha ha!
168125
*what do you call a four-hundred pound woman with a yeast infection?????            a whopper with cheese\n\n*what did one gay sperm say to the other?  \nhow we gonna find anything with all this shit around here?
537934
funniest joke I've seen today.lol