A man visits a small country church. He notices that the single pastor works alone all day with an incredibly beautiful and shapely young secretary. He cannot help but wonder if something is going on between them. About two weeks later he receives the following letter:\n\nI'm not saying you stole our communion cup, and I'm not saying you didn't steal it, but the fact remains that ever since you visited our church, our silver communion cup has gone missing.\nA few days later the pastor receives the following letter:\n\nI'm not saying your sleeping with your secretary, and I'm not saying that you're not sleeping with her, but the fact remains that if you'd slept in your own bed even once in the last two weeks, you'd have found your silver communion cup.
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I don't really know for sure if that's a sin, but it's really funny! LOLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL
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LMAO.  You have great humor.  Here's one for you.  It isn't about a pastor but one is mentioned.  The kids in the story are the main characters.  But they are not the only ones who are "always blamed".  It happens to many of those who have been awarded "legend" status by others.  It's all so amusing ;) .\n\nTwo little kids, ages 8 and 10, were excessively mischievous and full of laughter. This sometimes annoyed others and it seemed they were always getting into trouble, whether they were to blame or not.  Everyone believed that, if any mischief occurred in their town, those two were probably involved.\n\nThe mother of the children heard about one pastor in town who had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her kids. The pastor agreed but said he wanted to see the children individually. The very next morning the mother sent her two children to see the pastor.  She told the 8-year old to go in first when they got there.\n\nThe pastor, a huge man with a very deep booming voice, told the younger child to sit down and then asked sternly, "Where is God?".\n\nThe kid's  mouth dropped open and she made no response; she just sat there with her mouth hanging open, wide-eyed. The pastor repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God!!?" Again the child made no attempt to answer.  Finally, the pastor raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the child's face and bellowed, "WHERE IS GOD!?"\n\nThe child screamed and ran from the room; she ran directly home and dove into her closet, slamming the door behind her. When her silbing found her in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"\n\nThe younger child, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time, dude. God is missing - and they think WE did it!"
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*News: 3 chimps escaped from the zoo. 1 was caught playin football, 1 was caught watchin tv and 1 was caught readin this sms.\n*I miss you and I want to be with you but this stupid secruity guard want let me in the zoo without a ticket.\n*A boy and his girlfriend are watchin a movie in a theatre, a mosquito enters into the girls skirts and gues where it bites.....guess in the boys hand.\n*God made whiskey god made pepsi god made me so damn sexy. God made rivers god made lakes god made you well everybody can stand to make one mistake.\n*A *smile* is a sign of joy, a *hug* is a sign of love, a *laugh* is a sign of happiness, a *friend* like me is a sign of "your damn good choice\n*Wakey, wakey, rise n shine out of bed into mines Ur so sexy, ur so fine need ur body on top of mines if u want me in the sack lick ur lips n text me back!\nIf you like these and want more contact me and let me know.
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Mav got up and went to church even though she really wanted to be on top of a mountain looking out over creation.  \n\nPreacher was the long winded one, and Mav has a short attention span, but she got to say goodbye to her friend that is moving.\n~~~~~~~~~\nEDIT\nEri - NEVER skip breakfast! Just eat it later. :D
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watching the video made me sick to my stomach. i can't answer why he made that joke. it is something you would have to ask him yourself. i believe all people are to be loved and not singled out because they live contrary to what the bible says. to be honest, i'm just speechless as to a pastor behaving in such a manner.
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There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money.\n \nJust before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me.  I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."\n \nAnd so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died she would put all of the money in the casket with him.\n \nWell, he died.\n \nHe was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her.\n \nWhen they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!"\n \nShe had a box with her, she came over with the box and put it in the casket.\n \nThen the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away.\n \nSo her friend said, "Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."\n \nThe loyal wife replied "Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word.  I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him."\n \n"You mean to tell me you put all that money in the casket with him!!!!?"\n \n"I sure did," said the wife.  "I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check.  If he can cash it, he can spend it."
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Here's some for ya:\n\n  A couple just got a new house. The husband turned to his wife and ask her to go to the hardware store and get a door hinge for him. She kindly agreed and left. \nWhen she got to the hardware store, got the hinge, and put it on the counter in fornt of the clerk. He noticed that she didn't have any screws for it, so he asked her ''Do you want a screw for that hinge?'' \n\nShe looked back at him and said ''No, but I'll blow you for that toaster in the window.''\n \n\n  One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.\nEach of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.” \n\nCheer's
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The eminent surgeon was walking through the local churchyard one day when \nhe saw the gravedigger having a rest and drinking from a bottle of beer.\n“Hey you!” called the surgeon. “How dare you laze about and drink alcohol on the churchyard! Get on with your job, or I shall complain to the vicar”.\n“I should have thought you’d be the last person to complain,” said the gravedigger, “bearing in mind all your blunders I’ve had to cover up”.\n_______________________________________________\n\n\nIt was a dark cloudy night and the drunk staggered into the cemetr and fell \ninto a hole which had been dug in preparation for a burial the following day. The \nhiccupped and fell asleep.\nHalf an hour later another drunk swayed into the cemetery. He was singing loudly \nand his raucous voice woke up the drunk in the grave who suddenly started to yell \nthat he was cold.\nThe singing drunk tottered to the edge of the grave and peered blurrily down at \nthe complaining drunk. “Its no wonder you are cold,” he shouted down to the \ndrunk. “You have kicked all the soil off yourself.”
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To daredevil pup:  of course that's not God.  That's the EYE of God.  Actually, the sixth eye of God, I guess.\n\nMr. Eye of God:  I can't speak for others, but I forsake your Son for a very good reason:  it was his turn to buy at the pub over the weekend and he "forgot" his wallet.  Something about not having any pockets in his white robe where he could put a wallet.  Frankly, I'm just a little sick of that excuse!
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A Christian man had just died and was on his way to heaven. When he got to the gates of heaven he met an angel. The angel asked him what God's name was.\n\n'Oh that's easy,' the man replied, 'His name is Andy.'\n\n'What make you think his name is Andy?' the angel asked incredulously.\n\n'Well, you see at Church we used to sing this song 'Andy walks with me, Andy talks with me.'
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Heres some funnies for ya...\nNO PARENT LEFT BEHIND \n\nI promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been left intact.) Most of them are funny, but some are just sad. \n\n\n1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM. \n\n2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT \n\n3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33. \n\n4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING. \n\n5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP. \n\n6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE. \n\n7-- \nCARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART. \n\n8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS. \n\n9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE. \n\n10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS. \n\n11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT. (Love it!) \n\n12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK. \n\n13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST. \n\n14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!} \n\n15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR. \n\n16-- PLEASE \nEXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY. \n\n17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!} \n\n18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL. \n\n19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS. \n\n20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER. \n\n21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR. \n\n22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE \nSOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT. \n\nNOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS. \n\n\n\nQUESTIONS ABOUT 2010 OLYMPICS \n\nNow that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website (frightening, isn't it!) \n\nQ: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)\nA. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die. \n\nQ: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)\nA: Depends on how much you've been drinking. \n\nQ: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)\nA: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water. \n\nQ: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)\nA: So it's true what they say about Swedes. \n\nQ: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)\nA: Let's not touch this one. \n\nQ: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)\nA: What did your last slave die of? \n\nQ: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)\nA: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
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my friends, mothers, friend:\nold guy with gray hair got into car, wearing a big black coat.\nkindly got into seat and bukled up.\nI ask what his name was and he said "Paul."\nhe would not say a last name though.\nhe said he would like to go to the edge of texas wich was okay because i was heading to california from alabama.\n3 hours into the trip we stopped at a chillies and had lunch. we where in a small town. it took him a while to get out of the car. after the meal. he kindly said to me "I do not need to go any further."\nI left him there. when i got to the car i found only a note on my seat saying "I was going to kill you, I planned to do it right before you said 'r u hungery?' but you were to nice. You are lucky you remind me of my mother. Anyone else I would have killed nyway.\n-Paul"
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lol Idk what religion you are but here's something:\n\nlmao this one's funny:\nA man dies and goes to Heaven. He gets to meet GOD and asks GOD if he can ask him a few questions.\n"Sure," GOD says, "Go right ahead". \n"OK," the man says. "Why did you make women so pretty?"\nGOD says, "So you would like them." \n"OK," the guy says. "But how come you made them so beautiful?" \n"So you would LOVE them", GOD replies. \nThe man ponders a moment and then asks, "But why did you make them such airheads?" \nGOD says, "So they would love you!"\n\n\nhaha this is good too:\nThe two thousand member Baptist church was filled to overflowing capacity one Sunday morning. The preacher was ready to start the sermon when two men, dressed in long black coats and black hats entered thru the rear of the church.\n\nOne of the two men walked to the middle of the church while the other stayed at the back of the church. They both then reached under their coats and withdrew automatic weapons.\n\nThe one in the middle announced, "Everyone willing to take a bullet for Jesus stay in your seats!"\n\nNaturally, the pews emptied, followed by the choir. The deacons ran out the door, followed by the choir director and the assistant pastor.\n\nAfter a few moments, there were about twenty people left sitting in the church. The preacher was holding steady in the pulpit.\n\nThe men put their weapons away and said, gently, to the preacher, "All right, pastor, the hypocrites are gone now. You may begin the service."
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Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:\n\nJust after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.\n\n"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. I'm serious dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,looking stressed I immediately knew what to do.\n\n"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"\n\n"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute "She's having babies!"\n\n"What?" my shocked son demanded, "But their names are Bert and Ernie,Mom!"\n\nI was equally outraged. [duh]\n\n"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.\n \n"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.\n\n"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).\n\n"Yeah! Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed..\n\n"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with that sarcasm, in her voice)\n\nBy now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.\n\n"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We'reabout to witness the miracle of birth."\n \n"Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "yuck!"\n\n"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.\n\nWe peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tinyfoot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.\n\n"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.\n\n"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.\n\n"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.\n\n"Okay, okay." Squeamishly! , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.\n\n"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)\n\n"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.\n\nWe drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,Ernie, breathe," he urged.\n \n"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)\n\nThe Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.\n\n"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.\n\n"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr.. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"\n\nI gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.\n\n"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.\n\n"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. Infact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species,they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."\n\nHe blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr..Cameron."\n\nWe were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just....just...excited," my wife offered.\n\n"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.\n\nMore silence.\n\nThen my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh l
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A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife\n interrupts, " Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's\n been flickering for weeks now." He looks at her and says angrily,\n "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my\n forehead? I don't think so."\n Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To\nwhich he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have\n Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so".\n "Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front\n door? They're about to break." "I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't\n want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace\n Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had\n enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"\n So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to\n feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and\n help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already\n fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As\n he goes to get another beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed.\n "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"\n She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a\n nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered\n to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with\n him or bake him a cake."\nHe said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"\n She replied, ""Hello............. Do you see Sara Lee baker written on my\nforehead?"
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>A man is going to dinner at his in-laws with his new bride\n>They want to prove they can make it on their own, so they decide to buy a motorcycle.\n>They are at the shop and both like a bike that has leather seats.\n>The man asks the clerk if there is an effective, but cheap way to keep the leather in good condition if the bike is in the rain.\n>The clerk replies that vasaline is good for that....\n>Later on, as the couple is walking to the door the woman tells her husband that it is a tradition in her family that the first person to talk when the meal is over has to do the dishes. \n>When they knock on the door everyone rushes out to greet the, and to see their bike.\n>During dinner everyone catches up. Their talking, laughing, and having a good time.\n>As soon as the last person takes the last bite the room goes dead quiet. It was a big dinner, and there were alot of dishes.\n>After a while the man starts thinking.....What can I do to get these people to talk?\n>He grabs his wife and bangs her right there on the table. No one says a word.\n>After another hour he gets another idea........He grabs his wifes sister and bangs her. Still, no one says anything.\n>He waits awhile, then thinks.....D@mn, I don't have all night!\nSo he bangs his mother-inlaw too. But nobody says anything.\n>As soon as he was finished he heard thunder.\n>He's thinking.....$hit, I just bought that bike I not about to let it get ruined in the rain.\n>So he whips out the vasaline, about to head for the door, when his father-inlaw screams......Fu<kit!! I'll do the dishes!\n\n____________________________________________________\n\n>A couple wants to go out on a romantic date, so they here a babysitter to watch their 5 year-old daughter.\n>When the couple gets back, they go into the living room to have some fun before the babysitter leaves.\n>The babysitter is careless and doesn't notice untill it's too late that the girl is gone.\n>She runs downstairs and finds the little girl peeking into the living room.\n>She grabs her and drags her upstairs.\n>The babysitter asks....What were you doing?!?\n>The girl replies.....I heard some funny noises, so I looked into the living room. What were Mommy and Daddy doing?\n>The babysitter tells her that they were making a cake.\n>The next morning the girl asks her mother.....Did you and daddy make a cake last night?\n>Her mother says....Why do you ask?\n>The girl says.....Well, because I licked the icing off the couch this morning.\n\n____________________________________________________\n\n>The devil has run out of room in hell.\n>There are three men who are not so bad, so he calls them to him.\n>He tells them the situation, and then says that whoesever doesn't melt in his hand could go to heaven.\n>The first guy is Asian. He doesn't have much of a dick anyways, so it melts on contact. He's thinking...Great now I have to spend eternity in hell with no dick!\n>The second guy is white. His dick is on the small side, so it melts pretty soon. He says.....D@mmitt! Now I can't even fu<k while I'm down here. $hit!\n>The third guy is black. He has a pretty big dick. So he walks up and slaps it in the Devil's hands. Nothing happens....They wait and wait, but still his dick won't melt.\n>The Devil says looks like you get to go to heaven, and you can keep your dick. But how come your dick wouldn't melt?\n>He replies, as he's being pulled upwards by a beam of light..."Chocolate melts in your mouth baby, not in your hands"
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The Lord helps those who help themselves. \n\nExample:\n\nIt had rained long and hard. Floods were everywhere in the town and one man sat on the porch of his house. A policeman came by and said,  "It's starting to flood. You should leave."\n\n"The Lord will provide. I'll stay." The homeowner replied.\n\nThe rains increased and the homeowner was forced to sit on his roof. A boat came by and the rescue workers said the man should go with them, to safety. "The Lord will provide. I'll stay."\nhe replied.\n\nFinally, as the waters lapped at the eaves of his perch, a helicopter flew over. A man called out through a bullhorn, \n"Climb into the harmess when it's lowered and we'll pull you up."\n\nThe stubborn man again replied with, "The Lord will provide. I'll stay."\n\nFast forward. The man is dripping wet and glaring at the Lord. "I trusted you! I had faith that you would provide for me!"\n\nThe Lord smiled indulgently at the disgruntled man. " I sent you a police officer, a boat and a helicopter. What more did you want?"\n\nThe point I'm making is, God sent us Doctors and scientists to help us keep healthy. We should use them when needed. I'm not denying that the mind is a wonderous thing and it has enabled some people to heal themselves. But not everyone has that capability. \n\nMiracles can and do happen daily but too often people fail to recognize them.\n\nreply to \namylr620;\n\nWhat would you call this, then?  \n\nMy husband and I were lost in the desert in the middle of the night. The gas in our pickup was fast being used up, as we attempted to find a road leading to civilization. I prayed and asked God to send angels to help us find a gas station. Suddenly two brilliant glowing beings appeared. One on each side of our pickup. They each put one hand on the side of the pickup nearest them. I watched in awe for an hour and fourty five minutes as the sagebrush outside flew past our moving vehicle. The gas gage never moved during the time the beings towed us. Just as suddenly as they appeared, they were gone. Our pickup stopped and the gas gage read below empty. We stayed where we were and in the morning, discovered a gas station fifty feet from where we sat.\n\nMiracles? Yes!\n\nI truly feel sorry for you. It must be frightening to not believe in miracles.