Hello people \nI am new to this thing so please be patient with me .I have been involved with someone for 7 and 1/2 years we have a 3 yr old daughter ,and I love him alot .The only problem is he is a alcholic he drinks daily ,and has recently become verbally abusive .althrough this is not the issue.The problem is we have cheated on each other so much I know about his affairs but he doesn't know about mine .and recently I had the worst affair ever ,see all this time I Justifeid it with the fact he cheatd on me also .but now I cheated with his best friend ,and it not just sex I been had a crush on him for years .Now we are falling in love  HELP
122062
Well you better prepare yourself to leave your man but stay away from the friend for a while. If this friend really likes you and is willing to give up his friendship with your man then time will tell and he will wait. But I would get out very soon before someone gets hurt - think of your child first how will all this effect her? Just remember - once a cheater, always a cheater. Good luck
648133
Amazing. Boys! Can't live with them, can't live without them. What he did to you is not only emotionally and physically draining to you, it's just plain wrong. Deep down, I think you know what you need to do. You have a lot of what I call "but" statements. "I dont like it, but....," "I left him behind, but....,"  "I really love him, but...." For every good, I would venture to guess that you can count 10 bad. He smokes pot, so that tells you he is killing his brain cells, and doesn't respect himself as well as you. He engaged in sexual intercourse with another woman. Therefore, not only is he a pothead, loser, deadbeat, and moron, but he is also unfaithful. Because he is willing to engage in risky sexual behaviors, if you continue to be with this loser, you too could possibly contract a nasty std. \nNow, it's easy for me to play armchair quarterback. When you love someone it's difficult to let go. Here is a man that you spent 2 years of your life with. However, you stated yourself that it was "off and on" for the last two years, which is an indication of an unstable relationship. He lives in Florida, you live in Georgia. Not to say that long distance relationships do not work, but this one cannot work for the fact that this loser is too immature to be in a relationship, nor deserving of your love, time and attention. Take a moment to write a list of all the qualities that you desire in a boyfriend and stick to it. Have stringent requirements. Why? Because you're worth it. When you end the relationship with your boyfriend, state to him the reasons listed, and inform him that "NO" you two cannot be "just friends." Once you end the relationship, do not take his calls, do not reply to his emails, and do not see him in person. It's time to begin the healing process and move on........ Best of wishes to you.
264423
Wow sounds like theres not enough trouble in your life if your going out looking fot what might have happened...I'm sure there are ways of figureing it out. altest at the time the possible incident possibly occured ....geeeeee..how bout chalking it up to experience and not getting so drunk you dont know what happened while apparently being with someone you obviously dont trust.........again i say geeeeeeeeeeeeee
299251
I have been almost in the same predicument as you, but my husband cheated on me first after 18 years of marriage. We have two children and not only did this effect me, it also had a great impact on the children as well. I did kick him out of the house and after a couple of weeks he realized that he wanted me back and to have life back to normal. Well that does not happen over night. The trust was gone, I was insecure with my self and felt that things could never be the same again. We remained living in the same house, seperate rooms, and trying to mend what happened, then he got into a bad accident as well. The accident was so bad that after leaving the hospital after 6 weeks, I had to nurture and nurse him everyday for the next year. After a complete year of this I cheated on him. I believe that I did this to fullfill the hurt,anxiety,and the insecurity I had about my self. He found out the same way by tapping the phone of reason's of suspition and confronted me. I did tell him the truth about everything. At that time I also said to him "How does it feel to have it happen to you, now we are even". Well set aside Love does hurt, and we all can be cruel either mentally or physically. We react weird to these typs of circumstances. But happy to say it has now been 7 years after this has all happened, and our love never died, it took a great deal of time for the trust factor to regain itself. I'm not saying that the trust will fully every be regained, but as your relationship heals and your thoughts and feeling are open and honest with each other this is a start. Marriage to me now is more important than I ever realized, I want to grow old together. Everyone is differant but place value on your love and family, and take baby steps. If all else fells and things can't be reconciled then be good friends for your children and yourselves. Good Luck. Good things take time.
285671
Is he an alcoholic? If so he has worked hard to stop. If not I think you are over reacting. He didn't drink for 3 years. I think you should give him an other chance. He came and told you he has been drinking. Give him credit for his honesty. Tell him why you don't want him drinking. If you really love each-other, you will work it out.\n\nGood luck.
215012
Oh boy...you need to just leave him. He's playing mind games with you so you won't leave life is way too short to stay in a relationship out of pity and guilt. If you make the first step in leaving him maybe he will clue in that you are serious.Leave him a letter explaining why you have left as well as some Alcoholics Anonymous pamphlets maybe he will clue in and get help and if you feel like things could be worked out seek counselling alone as well as with him. I have a Friend who went through a similar situation and she finally left the guy and he used to say he'd kill himself if she left...well she left and he's still alive.He too has a major drinking problem but won't admit to it. It's really sad, I think, that anyone would chose booze over their spouse.try your best to get him help but don't do all the footwork for him make him see that he's hurting you and leave asap.
181326
"I don't want to divorce him over something this minor. (He would be left alone)"\n\nThis doesn't sound minor to me.  I'm 34 and going thru a divorce right now for similar reasons.  My wife and I have been married for 5 years, and I've never loved another person so strongly and intimately; but I've discovered that I'm not sexually attracted to her.  I tried to tell myself that it was a simple problem, and that it wasn't worth ending the marriage; but over time (and through therapy) I've learned that I was manipulating myself, and her, trying to keep the working parts of our marriage in tact at all cost – and damaging our relationship along the way.\n\nMy opinion: you are not responsible for his feelings, and you are not a bad person if you "leave him alone".  He's an adult, and can only benefit from facing this situation honestly.  How rewarding is this marriage going to be for him (or you) if your relationship isn't completely honest?  \n\nCHEAP ALTERNATIVE TO THERAPY\nTry 12 step meetings.  Not AA, but AlAnon, or better yet, CODA if it's available in your area (Codependents Anonymous).  You'll find yourself in a room full of people who are facing similar problems head-on, supporting one another without any bullsh*t.\n\nHope this isn't too preachy.\n\n:^|
208091
Do you really need anyone to answer this question? He's a douche bag and doesn't deserve either of you. Why would you want to be with someone who lies to you and is seeing someone else? I know it can be hard because at least your feelings are pure and honest but it will never work when this jerk only thinks of himself. He might be 26 and you might be considerably younger, but let's face it I have seen 10 year old boys act more mature then this moron. Your young and you have many years to find someone else, so don't waste your time on him because that great guy who will treat great and be the love of your life might pass you by. Think about your child too, would you want him to be a role model for them or to learn about relationships by seeing the abuse that he is putting you through? This man clearly does not know your worth and hopefully you do and will be smart enough to pursue a life without him. It might be hard to be on your own but its probably alot lonlier being with a scumbag like him. Take care and I wish you the best of luck with whatever decision that you make.
604450
Oh my god girl seems like life has taken a very hard toll on both of you guys. The thing to remeber is that is has taken very long for you to become clean, am I  right, with that being said, every day is a new day, which means you fight harder as each day passes to keep your demons away. I say 3 strikes your out in my book, yes it is very possible for him to be clean and sober, but you know what your daughters have already been thru enough physical and mental abuse they could ever endere and now that your sober and you how this has affected them you have to work extra hard everyday to keep them motivated and guided towards the right direction, you also know that addiction is heredity and it is very likely that they will  grow to use drugs as well. But remeber you have the chance to change that life style for them ax you already have buy getting sober and doing the right thing by them girls, you are to be commened for that, but also try to remeber how hard it has been to let him come back into your life after you have already chosen and begin another  cleaner lifestyle, i mean we all know that people can get drugs in prison and quite frankly if the man has been in prison for the littlest thing i wouldnt want him around my daughters at all and only becuase men get reaped in prison, and some totally rehibailt themselves completly but in your situation he wont ever become clean becusae its his lifestyle, Dont you think that children need not be around that if we can prevent it, well you have had your chance to become sober which you have, you have been the chance to give your girls more in life then most people get, be lucky the state has taken them away from you, and placed them with total strangers, do right by them, no matter how hard it might be, yes there are challenges every day and you are lucky to have beaten the biggest one this far. Why would you even consider letting him back into your CLEAN alife after 3 years, dont you see the pattern this man will always follow, and i know its hard to put those feelings aside and yes the girls do need fathers but after everything they have been through, if your strong enough you will not let him back in youe life as your husband, now id down line he cleans up and i mena really cleans up then i would consider supervised vistation becuase you are different now he will be differnt and the girls are different, do you really want to upset your lifestyle now because you think  you owe him something, are the girls, I would say you have done the right thing thus far and you will conintiue to do the right as long as you keep this man out of your home along with his friends that he will BE back in contact with as soon as he can, I mean if i were you and were given this chance  to become and outstanding mother and to prtotect the children you gave birth to, i woulkdnt allow anhone to take the away ever again becuase next time if there is ever a next time you will not see your girls becuase they will hate for you for the life you have chosen with him, I would file for divorce and be done with him altoghter, yes you have children but there are ways for him to be a dad other than living in your household, and quite franl=kly if he has only sent a few letters to you guys after 3 years who needs that stress wondering and waiting on letters he has already dissapointed you and your gilrs why let all the drama start allover no matter what he says, Do the right thing and let him go for good, and keep wotking everyday to the new begining that you and your girls deserve, you will do the right thing no matter how hard it is, the hardest was admitting you have had a problem and allowinng yourself the treatment to get better you deserve a standing ovation for that, continue to work hard and show the and theach the girlds everyday about the lifestyle that lead you to your sobriety, as they get older you know how us girls can be they will need you to be strong for them, and with him i think you will fiall back
74671
I just ended a relationship after almost 7 years.  My ex is incapable of trust, and I destroyed myself trying to prove that I was worthy of it.  But his baggage from the past makes him believe that he does not deserve the love I have for him, and he does not love himself, so I had to let him go.  I have a child to raise and I wasted too much time focused on my ex's insecurities.  My son's father also had issues and abused alcohol and drugs - it took 9 years for me to work up the strength to end it with him, and he died of liver failure less than two years later.  These are both beautiful men whom I love dearly, but who are not capable of having a mature relationship because they haven't fully grown up yet.\n\nI've read some your Q&As, and your bf's - you are BOTH too young and immature to be talking about marriage.  Don't rush into something just as a way to feel "grown-up" and to get away from your parents.  Especially with an insecure, jealous, possessive guy.  This is HIS problem, NOT yours, do not allow yourself to get pulled into his game.  His mistrust either means he's too insecure or he's on the down-low himself.  No matter what, the issues MUST be ironed out before you take it to the next level, or you will develop resentment.  I'm sorry to sound so negative -- it's just that these relationships NEVER succeed without major intervention. \n\n**NEVER COMPROMISE YOUR VALUES AND SELF-ESTEEM FOR ANYONE!!  YOU DESERVE UNCONDITIONAL LOVE AND SECURITY- NOT THE BLAME GAME**
61002
well if she could forgive you then you should beable to do the same for her , not that you have to but thats what is right . the both of you have to make agreements to who and how you wil get drunk with others when the other one isnt around , i had to do that with my gf for the same reason , by doing that we removed the abilities of people we dont trust to take advantage of the situation of a drunk mate , but its up to you and her to make the rules up to what sutes each other , but only if you think you can handle it . staying with some one who has cheated on you can prove to be very hard to hold suspisions back , and not let them eat you up , because it wouldnt be fair to both of you to string her around when youknow you cant handle it , and if she didnt mean for this to happen she will live with guilt for a long time , so dont rub it in if ya know she is hurtin over it
487786
Hello:\n\nOne of the hardest things I have ever had to realize is that loving someone isn't enough to make a relationship work. \n\nI was in a long term relationship with a guy, whom I was in love with. The only problem was that he was insanely jealous, and I am a little too trusting. He would assume I was cheating on him, if I had a conversation with a guy friend (a guy friend that I had been friends with long before I met my boyfriend). And if I saw him chatting with a random girl I would just assume they were chatting, and nothing more. I should also say that I have never cheated on a boyfriend, much less cheated on this guy. \n\nEventually he started to push the limits more and more when it came to making me jealous, so much so that he started making out with a girl at a party we had gone to together. Even though afterwards he told me that it didn't mean anything, but that he wanted me to feel jealous, it was too hurt to try to make the relationship work. \n\nWe had a long talk and learned that we had spent so much time trying to hurt each other, that we didn't have anytime to enjoy each other. Obviously our relationship was disfunctional, and I'm happy to say we are both in relationship and are successful and we are still friends with one another.\n\nThe relationship I have now is fantastic. But we still do have problems. The best thing I have done in this relationship is that we face issues head on. But we both know how we each deal with stress. When I am stressed I like to be left alone, where as he likes to be distracted and just take a break from it all. We are able to recognize when we are stressed, and how we can help the other one deal with the problem. \n\nI would suggest that you wait it out. You've been in a relationship that has been successful for so long. Wait until he has started school and starts feeling comfortable there. But be supportive and if he doesn't want to talk to you about his feelings - just let him know that you are there for him if he ever needs to talk or a distraction. \n\nI hope this helps and good luck!
652862
Well I'm confused about a couple of things. Is he your husband of 18 years or your boyfriend or is the boyfriend someone else other than the other two guys you were unfaithful to your significant other with. YES of course you cheated. You engaged in a sexual act with not just one but two other men.\nAlcohol is no excuse for a lack of self control. You may not remember in the morning( though you did) but you certainly know what you are doing at the time it's happening know matter how intoxicated you are. Where exactly did your husband or whatever he is crash out? Was he in the camper van also.? My Gosh what were you thinking? I'm trying not to be judgmental here, because I hate that and it serves no purpose but heavens above, I can't find a reason to condone infidelity. 18years is a lot to throw away, you should have thought about that before you cheated. I would not want to stay with a person that was unfaithful. If your man does find out the responsibility is yours and yours alone.
644722
I understand what it is like to live with an alcoholic and it sucks.  I don't know why I let it last as long as it did (5 years).  He took off on a weekend too and I had no idea where he was, but to make matters worse my car was in the driveway but waiting for him to fix it and as for my motorcycle, he purposely took my key so I couldn't go anywheres (lived way out in the country on a dead-end road).  He constantly made promises with the kids (we each had one) and broke them because he was drunk so I had to do the promised things with them by myself.\n\nIf he is indeed changing then give him another chance.  You need to stop thinking about the other guy.  Do not talk to him or see him for the next few months at least.  See how it goes with your bf at home.  You may have to take the kids and leave for awhile.  But don't jump into anything new yet.
270491
been there husband was the same way...I was 15 when we were together and I slept with his best friend...we went our separate ways for about 10 years got back together and did not trust me at all..I was only 15 and he kept bringing it up 17 years later. He would get really upset if I wanted to go out with my friends, and alcohol was like poison to him he would always go back into the past about all the bullshit and he would start fights over the stupidist things...any way to make a long story short I divorced him in january
592890
Your situation sounds very similar to my life story.  My wife and I got married very young, and I was not always very nice to her.  I drank a lot, and though I never physically abused her, I did emotionally.\n   She ended up becoming distant and looking for emotional relief in other men.  Never physical, but emotional hurts just as much.  I ended up meeting a woman, straying, and falling for her and it almost destroyed my life.\n   My wife and I go to counseling, which I suggest for you, and are working extremely hard to repair our marriage.  We are doing a good job, and things in many ways are better than ever, but there is still work for both of us to do.  In the end, ideally, we will have both grown stronger and love each other all the more because of all we have been though with each other.\n   This man is probably more of an infatuation than love because you are feeling things that you have missed.  Devote yourself to your husband, and him to you and remake better than before the love you had.\n   Get counseling, work it out.  Find you flame again.  If this does not work, than the only option left is to divorce, but this should be your last option, not your only option.\n\nGood luck.
497380
I had the same problem he loves you he has been hurt before and thats why he wont express his feeling sober but when he is drunk he lets his guard down and it all comes out me and my man been together for 8yrs now and he was the same way going into the 2nd yr he started telling me how he felt when he was sober and it was the best feeling in the world that he finally shared his feelings good luck honey