Almost 5 years ago he sustained a tramitic brain injury. He is now permantly disabled. I am his caregiver. I'm in a perpetual waiting pattern which causes me to get very little done with my life. How do I break this cycle. I see my 18 year old son doing the same thing. We just keep waiting for dad to come back. He never will. ( I have tried support groups but they just depress me more) What is the magic secret?
131764
Take this for a grain of salt.\n\nYou're longing for what is no longer here.  We hold on to things, especially one another.  But we are very fragile, and we break easily.  But for some reason we always assume that everything will go well, and are shocked when it doesn't.  You're problem is reconciling the facts with your internal concept of the way things should be.\n\nNot to sound stupid, but remember Forrest Gump and his box of chocolates?  It's kinda like that.  And sometimes the chocolate we take is not what we wanted.  \n\nI think that you are probably in a very sad situation, and your life has been permanently disrupted, and this is what's causing you the most heartache.  You need to take care of you just as much as you take care of him.  JUST AS MUCH!  If that means going away on a vacation by yourself or with friends, then so be it.  Also, find others in your community that may help you with the burden.  You have to find a release for yourself.  \n\nGood luck.
463724
1 ask yourself why? Is he hard to please because of illness that he can't help? Or just because he's a jerk?\n\n2) Does he need med care? if so can you provide it? \n\n3) if you are married how does your parnter feel? If not, can you actually DO IT ALONE?\n\nYou may find that even if you had no reservations it may just not be feasible for you to care for him and still work - provide for yourself and keep your relationship healthy.\n\nDoes HE WANT to go to a nursing home? or to be with you?\n\nI helped to take care of my grandparents until they passed away. I lived with them (to allow them to stay in their own home) and when they got worse had to get (hire) fulltime caregivers for while I was working and just to give me a break so I could care for myself and my son.\n\nIt's a lot of work... and older people who are losing their ability to be in charge and command the respect they once could, as they find themselves having to be dependant and unable to meet their own basic needs - they are grumpy, difficult, hard to please - so if he is that way to begin with - you may find him too bitter at this loss to accept any warmth love & help - I HOPE NOT! \nIt's a scary time for them - and knowing it's getting toward the end of the time you will have to share with them - I would not trade the time I spent with my grandparents for anything! I learned so much as did my son.\n\nIt's going to be hard for you - I'm sorry to say that - it's just reality.\nWhatever you do will be painful. Parents are not perfect - BUT MOST OF THEM do the very best they can for their kids... They may have had crappy parents/childhoods too - and just didn't know any better. If you are all he has and his last and only resort - whatever you do I urge you to do what you can to help him and to find all the understanding and tolerance you can possibly muster - maybe if you just keeping showering him with love, you will smother his difficulty and help him to be happy in the time he has - it would be so great if you could find a whole new level of freindship.\n\nBut that requires his participation too - he may be past the point of being able to offer you anything - I don't know.\n\nYou're welcome to email me if you have any questions about govmnt programs, finding in-home help, picking a nursing home, dealing with medicare - all that stuff - I have some experience from helping my own.\n\nGood luck -= I wish you the best and it's great that you care and are considering - so many just don't - straight to the home to die alone and afraid... you are a good person
508377
i sympathize with you, as my mother too suffers from mpd, or multiple personality disorder.  it caused my family a lot of strain, especially with a father who was always gone for the military, and my sibling who is gay.  i suffered through my family's break up, as my father left my mom for her best friend.  he wanted me to go live with him but he told me that i could never speak to my mom or brother again.  because of the disfunction in my home life, i took to a life of drugs, and a history of bad relationships with men.  after years of wondering why i got the bad end of the life stick, i realized that it was up to me to change the cycle.  you may have endured some mental trauma, like me, due to your familys disfunction-however, no matter what, the past is gone and it is time for you to pick up the pieces of yourself, and live in today.  it is not your reponsibility to "fix" your family.  there is help available to you through mental health centers located in your city.  they can help you sort through the past so that it does not wreck your future.  by the way, because of my decision to turn my life around, i am now almost 18 monhths clean and sober, and i am able to write u this from the college that i am attending!  as for my family, i put my foot down and stopped letting them put me in the middle of their mess.  i have a decent relationship with all of them, and life is slowly getting better.  good luck in your journey, and remember to take care of yourself, first.
542250
You don't say how old your son is.  I think that one day he will want to meet you and have you be a part of his life.  I can't even imagine how you must feel not being able to see him and get to know him, but he's been with this family for so long, I'm afraid that it might really confuse him if you showed up out of nowhere.\n\nIs it possible for you to wait until he's an adult, and then send him a letter?  I applaud and admire you for getting control of your life.  I'm sure you've been in recovery long enough to know that sometimes the family members of addicts are so fearful and distrustful of the addict that the bridge can't be repaired.\n\nI hope this is not true for you, but in any event, you have proven yourself and done well for yourself.  Continue to do everything you can to live a better life, and for the sake of your son, wait until he's an adult and then contact him.\n\nI wish you the very best.  You've accomplished a lot.
108172
Talk to some one that you trust.If this isn't possible go to a psycologist. Don't be surprised by him.  I would exercise all possibilities befor putting him on meds. You could do some research on stress reduction.  I hope this helps.  Love him and support him at this rough time.
105169
I lost my son 10 years ago on Nov.25 and I still think of him daily. It took a long time but now when I think of him I can laugh at the warm good times we had and it doesn't hurt so sharply. I know the pain and it is almost a physical thing, isn't it? It starts in your stomach and it feels like you want to scream and scream and scream. This will pass. He knows you love him. Trust that fact. And you will always love him trust this fact. And you will see him again when it is time to do so. Until that time you are responsible to him not to waste the life you have grieving for his loss of life because his life began again that day. He is in a wonderful place, God can take a lot better care of him than you or I ever could. He has all the answers. I know how much you miss him , and I believe they miss us too. He is busy and so should we be. the time till we are with them will seem shorter that way and we will be doing what is our reason to still be here, that is to be busy and to love others by giving help to those we can help. Bless your heart and Bless your Loving Parents heart. It will all be answered someday and you can trust that fact also.
12681
Your son is an adult now and needs to make his own way in this world. I don't know his living situation, but I would recommend if anyone is supporting him financially it is time to stop. Enabling him to continue the lifestyle he is living is not in his best interest. When he is on his own, he will be made accountable for his actions. If he cannot hold a job, he will be fired. If he cannot pay his bills, he will be evicted. These things will show him what it takes to survive as an adult in this world. If you truly believe he is suffering from a mental illness you can recommend he go to counselling. However, unless he is a danger to himself or others, no one will be able to make him go to counselling. If it gets to the point where you fear for his safety or the safety of others, dial your local distress line or crisis team. They are located in your phonebook in the Emergency section. They will assess him and transport him if needed to a safe place until he is stabilized. Aftercare and follow-up will typically follow his progress for a brief time after his discharge. I wish you and your son the best of luck and good blessings.
584505
Gee, my mom is 80 or so, and I have similar problems. The only thing that has helped me is reading the Crankshaft Cartoon in the newspaper. Seeing that the problem is not unique to my circumstance has enabled me to find some humor in it. \n\nI think perhaps we can learnhow to be patient and not become hateful or angry by having to deal with these situations. I purpose in my heart not to expect my mom to do what I consider logical, or best for her, and condition myself to drop down into the "peace that passes understanding" whenever she refuses to keep track of her holdings. Sometimes it doesn't work, but I am worse off when I allow myself to get upset. \n\nI have started to clean up my own affairs so that I don't do this to my own son as I age. Why, just a few weeks ago, I actually gave away 4 books! (lol) It seems really difficult to fight the process of becoming my mom.
622460
This is a very uncommon situation, since it deals with a 21 year old male..\nHe does need to get help before it is too late..\nThis can ultimatly lead to heart failure and shut down of all of his other vital organs..\nI guess you could all just sit down together and hold a support meeting, point out the issue and let it be known its not a secret and let him know why you all care..\nSuggest he get help, if not your parents might have to get a lawyer and bring up his welfare is at stake and get him put into treatment..\nThis is going to be a long hard road ahead..\ni wish you the best of luck and my prayers are with you..
551532
You can get him back to the doctor for more help.  If he won't go you should leave him.  He has been wasting his life and yours for 3 or 4 years.  Is that fair?  You are not his mommy - he needs to grow up and get back on track.  Can he work in this state or are you aupporting him?  To be honest he sounds like he is mentally ill or doing something stronger than pot.  Don't stay in this abusive situation. You deserve something better.
571412
First off, I'd like to extend my premature condolences and am sorry that you're even going thru this. \n\n       Talk to your father and see if you and him can put your head together and consider legal action. I'm not saying sue. There's no one to sue, not until you get a case. There should be an investigation with this place. Take it from there, but also.....\n\n        On the other hand, my father's in the medical field and 1 day before my grandmother passed on last November she was doing fine for a couple of days after having complications. She was talking like her usual self until she slipped into a coma of sorts... My father termed that "the calm before the storm" and that he had seen that all the time at his hospital. He has been dealing with patients for almost 30 years now, so I definitely take incentive in that. This is likely what it was....she was doing ok for a time following her malady, but whatever was the underlying cause of her condition went in and took over even when she appeared to be up and around. It's a sad and confusing part of death. Apparently, it's also common.
610218
Hats off to you. My condolences. My nephew also sustained a spinal cord injury. He is a quadraphelgic. He is 25 years old. He was diving and hit his head on a rock. He is otherwise healthy and adjusting well. Stem cell research and treatment is a great way to get going on finding a treatment and possible cure. If you want to get involved follow this link :http://www.paralysis.org/site/c.erJMJUOxFmH/b.1169107/k.BE3A/Home.htm.\nKeep up the good work. Bless you on your journey!
176299
Mine is waking up after months in a coma.  Not having any memory of anything except my kids and husband.  I was then told I was no longer married and then I begged to speak to my Mom and I was told my Mom died 1 year earlier.  I wasn't even in the State where I had gotten ill.  Now, I still have amnesia and my short term memory is barely there.  I write a lot of things down.  I then was told I married again and I do not remember getting married again (after the West Nile Encephalitis).  The man took advantage of me and my very serious condition.  I am still trying to find a lawyer to get it annulled.  My life has been hell ever since I woke up. Sometimes I wish I never woke up.  And I also had to be brought back to life 2 times, I do not recall anything.  I do believe this is a good thing in the long run.  But I had to teach myself how to write, add, subtract, type, etc. again.  I did not get any help from anyone until about 9 months ago.  The rehab program is wonderful and I am not the same person, but I know that I just have to survive differently.  Your Dad was a very lucky man.  He didn't get any brain damage from that incident.  He would have been in the same situation as I am now.\nI'm glad he is okay and you didn't have to endure a great loss.
466299
As hard as it may be, you need to forgive them.\n\nFood for thought:\n1) Do you know that your father would have survived and come out of his coma? \n2) Why do you think there was money involved; no one would pay them to cut life support.\n3) How do your siblings and mother feel?\n\nForgive them and be the better person--you can't undo the past, but you can control the future.
608300
What you can do to help him is be a friend. Let him know he can talk to you and listen to him if he decides to tell you his feelings. \n\nI don't think the ADHD is causing the problem as much as the grief over losing his father.14 is an age that is very hard to lose a parent. He may not feel normal for a whole year. \n\nHe needs to discuss this with his doctor. His doctor will tell him if he needs to visit with a therapist or if he needs medicine to help with sleep or with his bad feelings.\n\nSince he's a guy, he may not have told his mother yet. She can help him figure out what to do, but if she doesn't know, here's what you do. \n\nWait until all three of you are in the same room and all discussing something together and turn to your friend and ask him in front of her, while she's listening if he is still having trouble sleeping at night. She will find out. He won't have to talk about it and you won't be in trouble for telling her behind his back. He might be irritated with you at the moment, but the important thing is his mom finds out so she can help him.
25344
I Know What you mean my dad had a stroke 5yrs. ago and since then I've kinda become his personal assistant. There are a few companies that provide personal nursing care but these are usally expensive. There are also some assisted living places that help people when they need it but allow them freedom the wouldn't have in a nursing home. I know both these options are expensive. However, other than these all I really can suggest is for a family member to stay with him. I know I help my dad with a lot of things he used to do everyday I make sure he remembers to take meds and help him go to bed. Its a difficult job, and I'm still going to school, but if you or one of your family members wants to help him sometimes this is better than letting a stranger.
410065
My heart goes out to you and your family. I've been married to the same wonderful man for thirty-one years. Twice prior to my knowing him he tried to kill himself. Since we have been together he has made 4 more attempts on his life. I don't know where you are from but most places have mental health assocations. They can help you to understand medications, patiants rights. For my husband I am his health care rep. when he can't speak-up for himself I have the legal right to do this . I got him to give me power of attorney so I can deal with his disabilty money and all the red tape that goes along with it. Your Mom's illness if she does have Bi-polar suicide is attempts can be a part of her illness. It is a long hard road and you need to seek help yourself so you can stay healthy enough to be an assistance in getting her the help she needs. There are support groups for families going thru what we both are. When my husband gets what I call imbalanced with his medicine it takes me giving him his meds. because he gets confused about days and times to take them. As we both turn 50 this year it seems like second nature to us to deal with his illness. His last attempt to take his life was last November. He was missing for 2days before he was found in a coma in our truck at a reststop we use to stop at a lot. It was very sad, I still am seeing a counslor myself to deal with learning who I am outside of his illness. Be careful not to become so involed you stop living like I have at times