My husband says he loves me exactly how I am, but I recently tried dieting and although it worked I didn't feel like my husband appreciated all the hard work.  I thought that if I lost some weight he might have more interest in sex.  Anyhow, last night I told him I was quitting my diet and he said I shouldn't.  He swears he is trying to encourage me, but I feel like he is saying I'm still too fat and ugly for sex.  I think I would feel encouraged to stay on the diet if I thought he liked what he saw better.  How can help him to help me be encouraged?  Any guys out there ever had a problem with your wife trying to loose weight and her thinking you don't love her?  Anyhow, we have faught all day and now he is at work.  Before he left he said he hoped I would still be here when he got back, but I still feel like he doesn't even want me here.  Any advice would help.  Thanx
132312
Looks like your letting how you feel confuse you to how things really are. Seems like your husband tries hard to let you know he appreciates you, at least from what it sounds like.\n\nIt sounds to me like you are insecure about your weight, and that you veiw yourself as unattractive. You are trying to solve the problem without, when the problem is within. No ammount of encouragement from your husband will help you unless you make up your mind to be encouraged. It sounds to me like he loves you dearly, finds you very attractive, and wants you very much in his life. Don't let your feelings lie to you and tell you otherwise. It seems to me like you are interperating things from him that he doesn't really feel, because that is really how you feel. It's not him that thinks you are fat and ugly, but you are afraid he does. Again, from what you've told me, I'm fairly sure he thinks just the opposite!\n\nNow, if part of the problem is, as you said above, that he isn't more interested in sex, don't nessisarily look to yourself as the cause. He may be busy at work, which leaves him tired and stressed at night. He may have some difficulties in that area, perhaps something clinical. You should both sit down and talk about this, together, and be patient with him, not nagging, whiney, or demanding, but letting him know how you feel, and listening to his side patiently.\n\nIf you are contributing to this part of the problem at all, it is probably from your insecurity, not your looks. If you feel ugly, and act like you feel ugly, you will make yourself seem less attractive. Don't keep thinking of yourself as unnattractive! Remember that your husband loves you, he wouldn't likely have married you if he didn't think you are attractive! Be confident, quit looking at what you think are your flaws, and concentrate on what makes you attractive. Think of yourself as attractive, and you will BE more attractive simply by how you act from it.\n\nI hope and pray everything works out well, and God bless!
598980
Sounds like he's trying to let you know what's going on...you're not listening.  If he's in good health overall (not overweight, smoker, etc) then it could be due to him holding out for you, preoccupied, stress, etc.  There are a lot of reasons why men lose an erection.  A lot of the time my b/f holds out for me and then when I'm good..he's good with that.  He's held out so long, it goes away.  He's usually ready to go again in 10 mins, though.  The fact that you cheated on him really doesn't help.  He may be picturing you doing some of the things you do with him, with someone else.  He's going to be questioning every new thing you do in bed.  "New tricks?  New man?"  It's all about communication.  Let him know you're concerned and really LISTEN to his responses.  You two will work it out if it's meant to be.  He needs to truly forgive you for your mistake and move on if he wants to make it work...you'll need to bring his trust level back up.  Hope I helped...
423303
I know how you feel. I have / is going through something similar to your experience. I married young, I wasn't a very religious person neither was my husband at that time. As months went by he started to get more religious and more involved with our church and he started dictating the way I should dress and the way I should act. Forcing me to do many things in the name of religion that I hated.. subsequently, because of this I started slacking of on my religious duties.. I know it is wrong but he made me hate the religion and everything that has to do with it. Religion stops at the bedroom door.. God did not dictate what you can and what you cant do with your wife/husband . It's bringing pleasure to the person you love and in doing so you are being a good person. Trying a different position or trying something new is not sacrilegious. The problem is.. you have wonderful sex with your lover, but that is scars .. and you are left in the meanwhile with an unwilling partner and many temptations.. I say don't get tempted to have another affair.. you will only complicate your life with the lies, hiding and sneaking. And believe me it will only make you despise your husband more and you feel more frustrated with the relationship. Try to talk to hubby again.. explain to him the severity of the lack of passion. If that doesn't work my advice is, consider your options.. are you willing to scarifies the marriage and your position in the society to fulfill your sexual desires or can you find means of self satisfaction..an uncomplicated affair ? You might be a better person because you won't feel as guilty as you do right now and have some peace with your self and with God... Best of Luck...
597722
don't diet with him if you really don't need to. if he's exercising too then you should do that with him because everyone needs exercise. for the beginning of his diet, until he gains some willpower, it would be better if you don't eat tempting foods in front of him
260466
Until you said "When I am more than willing to have sex and try new things all the time?" I thought I had the solution for you.  If he's not fulfilling your sexual needs you need to drop him.  Let him play in cyber land and find someone that can appreciate a real woman.
8143
Is he depressed, stressed or something else?  Will he see a doctor.\n\nA healthy man will usually have a healthy sex life.  I think you should be honest and tell him this is destroying your love for him and you would like him to address the issue.  \n\nIf he doesn't know how, then suggest that he start with the source of being tired.\n\nOne other thing that popped into my head.  Does he just say that to avoid a long conversation.  Perhaps he doesn't feel "safe" talking about what he really feels and thinks because he is judged or criticized.
399562
i think you 're the one who needs to decide if it stays or goes.if you're happy with it then dont worry.if you think it's a turn off then do something about it.  Personally my hubby gained a little around his belly and it just gave me more to hang onto to....his personality didn't change....and hes not sloppy fat so we're good...
55720
FitGuy ... ever hear the story of the jar full of jellybeans?  Yea, you know the one ... take a full jar of jellybeans and take one out for every time you have sex prior to marriage.  Then after the wedding you put back a bean for every time you have sex ... and the jar will never be full!\n\nWell that's just garbage and don't fall for it!!\n\nBut let me give it to you straight from a woman.  A woman's sexual desire is more tied to how she feels about herself than how she feels about you ... no matter how good you look!\n\nI've been married for 17 years and we are having the BEST and most frequent sex of our lives!  Only because I finally started being more selfish and less selfless!  As one of your responders said, woman have a habit of taking on the world's problems and making them her own.  It's hard to feel sexy when your stressed about the kids, the bills, the job, his feelings, does he still find me attractive, etc!!!\n\nMost of us get caught in this trap, even I did for many years.  It wasn't until I hit the gym, lost 65 pounds began bodybuilding and seeing myself as Hot and Sexy that I was able to get rid of that baggage.  If a woman feels fit and sexy on the inside, she will have the need to express that on the outside and her sexual appetite will totally increase ... it's just natural ... trust me!!\n\nMy husband actually likes the fact that I have this selfish side as he is the one who benefits from the overly active sex drive it created.\n\nOK, why am I telling you this?  Well, it's obvious from your photo that you are in great shape ... could she be a little self concious about that ... is she in as good of shape?  The reason I ask is because it doesn't matter how many times you tell her she is beautiful if she doesn't feel it for herself!  She just won't believe you.\n\nAlso, does she share your fitness lifestyle?  Working out together can be very uplifting and sexy ... couples who work out together stay together!  \n\nIf you feel this is not her problem, and she has a great self image, then perhaps a little variety could jump start things.  Try initiating sex in an uncharacteristic place ... be spontaneous ... use a toy ... tell her she is the best sex you've ever had ... find out her fantacies!  Spice it up ... you're her main squeeze so you should know what turns her on the most.\n\nMost of all, do not think a woman's sexual appetite is tied to marriage.  Sex and marriage are two totally different things and each takes work to make them last.  A woman's sexual appetite is tied to how she feels about herself.  No matter what is going on around her.  If she feels sexy, she will want sex!!!  \n\nTrust me, we women love sex ... we want to be told we are the sexiest, and best lovers there are out there ... and a man who can tell us this and make us believe it will have all the sex he can ever dream of!\n\nBest of luck!
98908
Hey since this is for an English paper then I guess I can spill my heart out.  Being overweight makes me feel unimportant, undesirable, unattractive, unintelligent, unappreciated among other things.  I have been on only 3 or 4 diets.  But I've given up because nothing seems to work.  I hear about other diets from friends and other people. I am thinking about my weight 50% of the time.  While it is mentally painful sometimes it is physically pain also.  My friend her knees hurt because she has a lot of weight on them.  My back hurts a lot and it's hard for me to stand still in one place for a length of time.  I have to be standing against something.  The only reason I feel I can say that I only think about my weight 50% of the time is because I'm married and my husband makes me feel desirable and attractive and like I'm perfect the way I am.  So inside of my home I feel safe but outside, it's very hard.  My self-esteem probably drops- as a matter of fact I'm positive it does.  Hope I helped a little bit.
672676
They are saying you don`t matter enough to me to be kind and understanding!There is a possibility your husband is mad about something you don`t even know happened and needs to discuss it with you in a reasonable kind fashion.Also at certain ages some men louse sexual drive,he may be embarrassed and is hiding it with avoidance and anger.I would lean towards keeping a close eye on his activities and try to find out what he is so interested in other than his hot wife.There are some real weird people out there and it is amassing how well they can hide there deviant behavior.An acquaintance of mine, husband,liked little girls and left her alone one to many times and she found out.Here is a good rule for married people,if you can`t show your spouse what you are doing on your computer you most likely should`nt be doing it.Get some help ask a counselor in the mental health dept.of a clinic or hospital. Do it,DO IT NOW!
411747
Dear Omar,\nAm sorry to hear about your wife. It must really be tuff to hold out like you have. In my opinion, I dont think she would damn you for taking on a female friend. I realize it gets lonely especially for a guy. I empathize with you.  You know, I understand you want to stay faithful and probably have thought, what if it was me. Well, my friend, you ARE being faithful, as far as I know. Only God is the judge of what you do. And God knows your heart, whether you are being malicious or not. I don't believe he wants you to be with out companionship. Now sex is another story. You will be taking on alot of guilt because you are not free of your wife in your mind or heart.And suppose you get so involved you fall in love with this person. Then what? Do you chuck your wife and go with her? It is such a fine line as to what to do in this case. I mean what do the docs say about your wife? Is she brain dead? Is she losing body mass by laying? Is she deteriating, What? I say, just be careful not to add additional problems to your life that you may not be able to handle. Choose someone that clearly understands the situation and keep it plotonic(yeah right, huh?). Its nice to know you have someone to talk to and go to dinner and have conversation with, right? To go for walks and the movies. I know what you are talking about. So really you have to make that call and when you do make sure you have a clear conscience.
598445
I went with my husband several times to strip clubs in an effort to try and fix some of our intimacy problems.  I even bought him a lap dance one time.  However, afterwards, it doesn't make me feel good or cool or sexy, even thought it might make him feel that way about  me.  How you feel about you is more important.  After a strip club, part of me really hates him for not wanting to just explore with me.  I keep trying to tell myself that I should just go with the flow.  That men look at women like women look at shoes...but it never seems to make me feel any better.  Before you go, remember that you can never erase that memory once it's there.  On the other hand, at least you know who your husband really is and what he really wants.  Yes, you'll be the coolest wife in the world (like me), but then soon his affection towards you over it becomes empty.  My girlfriend is so jealous that my husband is so affectionate with me...but his affection doesn't make me feel cared about by him anymore.
502058
Maybe he is having problems preforming and he is insecure about it. I am 20 and my husband is 34 and we have been together for 2 years. Sometimes you still love each other and you still find one another attractive, but you just need a break from the sexual part of the relationship. Are you feeling pressure from the idea of marriage? Are you both stressed out in any way more than usual, maybe from planning a wedding? It all factors in, as long as you still love each other, it's OK. Sex isn't everything.
639115
Steph,\n\nI'm sorry to hear how things are turning out.  Someone earlier said you need to copy & paste this question and send it to him.  Basically I agree.  Marriage takes work - sometimes a lot of work.\n\nI wouldn't pretend to know how your relationship was before the pregnancy, but a lot of marriages struggle when the mad, passionate sex starts to subside.\n\nI think it is time you got these issues out in the open in a non-threatening way - not during a fight.  Many couples deal with similar issues - a pro might be a lot of help.  If that isn't practacle, you might start off by being more up-front with him.  Tell him what is on your mind and ask him to do the same.\n\nYou might be surprised by his answers.   Hopefully, you will both reach a better understanding of each other.  It is sometimes tough for a guy to be "involved" but it is a legitimate need you have and one he needs to work to fulfill.  \n\nHe has needs too, do what you can.  My guess is that he will be more receptive to working to please you if he senses you are making a concerted effort to do the same.\n\nAlso, recognize that you both are under a lot of stress.  Marriage, a new baby, job, etc.  It is a to deal with.  You also need to ask him some hard questions about your weight.  Is his love for you conditional on your appearance?  If so, what happens when you get old?\n\nWell, good luck.\nC
270128
First, he should be supportive of you and understanding.  Tell him when he puts you down, your self esteem suffers, hence that could lead to the use of food as a self medicating ritual for you.  Next, there is no shame in wanting to be proud of someone that you are with.  I am not saying that a shallow man is a good man, but as a woman, try to take some prise in yourself.  There can be a lot of little things that you can do to cut and burn calories.  For example, try not drinking so many sodas, do some little excersises while you are watching TV.  Utilise little Jrs nap time for you to do a fast job cleaing the house- the faster you go, the more calories you burn. DO not skip any meals, try drinking a large glass of water before you eat and even haing a bowl of soup before your meal, that will help you feel full faster.  Don't think divorce over a weight issue.  There is alcoholism, abuse, adultry- those are very serious!  If his nagging you about wieght makes you feel mental abuse, you should point that out to him and seek help for the both of you together.  Also, let him know that it can take a woman up to two years for her body to get back the way it was before baby, and most of the time, the saggy tummy never leaves without help from a plastic surgeon.   If your unhappiness lasts for a long time you could be depressed, and that happens a lot after the birth of a child, so that's normal.  If he doesn't want to go out with you or go for a walk, have HIM watch the baby, and you go for a walk without him.  Hope this helps a bit.
260055
I understand. My husband was like that with me , but he soon saw that i just don't eat as much as he does. Tell him that you love him but you don't need to eat all the time. You have no problem with how much he eats so he should not have a problem with how little you eat. Stay strong and stand your ground.
673855
Hello Prissy, it sounds like the two of you are world's apart on your desire. You do love him though and he loves you.\nCan you talk to each other and reach some sort of compromise?\nI take it that he is good about pleasuring you or does he?\nThat could be a part of it also. I would suggest that you two sit down somewhere comfortable and have a honest and open talk about this. I wanted sex more than my wife did for many years.\nOne of the things we have done is one night each week,  I give her a complete body rub using oil or cream. After this she is so relaxed that she is ready for anything, including me!\nIt's not 3 times a day but he is going to have to lower his expectations a bit here and find ways to get you interested too!\nJust talk, stay positive and know that you love each other.\nGood luck!