We were together since 1997 & married since 1998. He was abusive to me & I am finding it hard to start trusting guys.
135425
Do something that you've always wanted to do but couldn't do when you were married, this will certainly make you look on the bright side of being single with no commitments.  As for trusting guys, there are plenty of good ones out there, unfortunately the good guys don't always meet the good girls first time round.
550960
My sister, \n\nLet me first say I am so sorry that you are going through this.  It takes courage to post a question like this and risk hearing answers you may not want to hear.\n\nYou need to get away from him.  I know this because I was in an abusive situation but I was married.  \n\nPlease open your heart to hear this the  best way you can.  You are a beautiful queen with a spirit who deserves the best in life. \nPhysical abuse and emotional abuse is wrong. Regardless of the reasons that he gives you for his actions.\n\nHe has real issues with anger and abuse because he was probably abused himself.  It still does not give him a right to abuse you.\n\nMy concern is with you.  Your heart knows that something is wrong.  I had to ask myself after I left my relationship.  What was it in me that allowed myself to stay even after I recognized something was wrong?  I ask you the same question.  No matter what has happened in your personal past that makes you feel bad about yourself, you can recover and build your self esteem to heal the wound.\n\nI say that because I have been there.  I will pray for you.  Get out and now and allow yourself to heal before entering another relationship.  You don't need to be with anyone.  Love yourself first.  Learn how to do that.  You deserve it.  Once you start to  love yourself you will be able to see exactly why leaving this relationship is a blessing.  \n\nFeel free to email me.  Call your local family violence shelter. I would also say to call a church.  Unfortunately there are a lot of Churches that don't have experience in domestic abuse.  So if you call there and it seems like no one understands you, that's one reason why.\n\nI know you can do this.  He has messed with your mind for 4 years and he knows how to get to you.  My heart hurts with you.\nTake Care of you.  Know that you are not alone.
285785
It's very difficult to win trust back I'm afraid. However, if you love him and he loves you then work on it, nothing is impossible.
469247
Recommend you see a professional marital counselor first, and a divorce lawyer, and "get your ducks in a row".\n\nI would recommend you do that as soon as you possibly can because your situation at home is not something a woman should be involved in.\n\nAs a nuetral third party observer I assume I'm one of many who have told you leave your abusive husband.\n\nI'm not familiar with the psychology of what you are going through and I understand from the few articles I have read you might be undergoing some sort of dependence or whatever. There are halfway houses or whatever, there are enough mechanisms society has put in place for these types of situations.
141981
He is a classic abuser. He won't change. The longer you stay with this jerk the more you will get hurt physically and emotionally. You could end up imprisoned and/or dead. So dump him. If you're having trouble doing that see a therapist to help you. Remember the sooner you get rid of him the sooner you will be happy.
671573
Well, something has changed. I was in a crazy horrible relationship for way too long, let me help you out. First, have you tried talking to him about this?  Regardless....No one and I mean no one has the right to make you feel second class. No matter how long you have been together. It is sad and scarey when things start going down hill after years together but just because you have invested time is no reason to stay and find out if he is really going to hit you. Love doesn't behave this way. My guess is that he is doing something wrong and all that hiding is making him guilty and he is projecting that onto you. It is a pretty standard jackass tactic. You are better than that.....I wish you the best in making a decision that is safe and fulfilling for you. We only get one life.
117248
I stayed for 5 years longer than I should have.\nIt was an abusive relationship but it started slow and I kept believing his promises to stop and how sorry he was.  We found what I thought was a good church and things seemed to get better for a while but it was back to the 2-3 times a year yelling and shoving dominance establishing routine.  Nothing I ever did was good enough but I did not want my marriage to fail.  I kept hoping that this really was the last time he was going to be so horrid to me.\nSomeone eventually asked me "How much more of your life are you going to waste?" right around the time that he really lost it.  So I hit my f**k this s**t point and moved in with mom.  (Oh my god I had to move back in with my mommy.  I was an adult and I had to move back home.  How big of a loser was I?)\nAfter I moved out and all of a sudden he was really sorry and he did want to go to counciling after all and he really was going to change and we could take that trip to the mountains (3 hrs away) that we never had before.  I was angry that he was willing to change after I had left but I wasn't worth it before.  And that church I thought was so cool told me that I should forgive him amd move back in.  And they are supposed to be so supportative of women.  Guess I know better now.\nOn the up side, after I left I met the love of my life and we have been together for over a year.  Nothing like marrying your best friend.  And with what I have been through in the past I am well aware of how lucky I am to have a REAL husband and not just a spouse.
322125
My abusive ex.  I won't go into details but the physical and mental damage done by this man is something I carry with me all the time.  Because of him I cannot have children and underwent 5 surgeries to fix the physical damage.  The paranoia I deal with on a daily basis because he has not been caught can be crippling at times, to the point I get afraid to go outside or go anywhere alone.  I cannot trust people like I used to nor do I let people close to me anymore, except a very select few.  It's left a feeling in me that seems to say people will suck you in by acting nice then they will turn on you like a rabid dog once you are sucked in and let your guard down.  I know, realistically, that isn't the case but it has left that feeling.  No, I'm not over this yet but I am working on it.  It just takes time to undo the damage done.  But it did take part of me and who I used to be away and I will never be able to get that back.
89128
Slow down and take it easy..to soon for something that is serious enough that might lead to marriage. You just came out of one relationship that was abusive please don;t get caught in that web again...Lady
611276
I was in an abusive marriage for 32 stupid years. I was taught that you stick it out no matter what. So I did. I wasted my whole life. The only thing I did get out  of the marriage was 2 wonderful children. They never knew what was going on. My husband rarely abused me when they were around.\n\nBut by the time the kids were in there teens, they would ask why I was taking the verbal and mental abuse they heard. Then I got tired of apologizing for his attitude all the time to others.\n\nI watched every thing that I could on abuse and self improvement, on T.V.\n\nWhen my dad, (who was like my husband) passed away, I saw my mom actually be happy. Kind of like Whooppee!!!!! That for me, made me decide that I would rather spend at least one year of my life HAPPY than another forty years miserable. So went to women's resource centre and asked alot of questions.  Less than 6 months later, I left. I went to a women's transition home, to get some time  on my own with counsellors, and then got my own apartment. \n\nI have never looked back. That was just over 2 1/2 years ago. I have really never been happier. A year ago I refound an old friend and neighbour, that is divorced and we have been together since, enjoying life.
196515
Well there are a couple ways to take care of it. If he lives with you, you can force him to move out (call the police if necessary). If you live with him, then you should move. If he hits you, then you should file charges on him and get a restraining order. Abusers were usually abused as a child so they don't see what they do as wrong. If he is young enough, some success has been found through drastic counseling measures. Maury Povich and Montel both have done the shock treatment on men like that. Taking them to see women in morgues who were abused to the point of death. If he loves you then he would stop. But you deserve much better. No woman deserves to be physically, verbally, emoptionally, or mentally abused. My advice is to send him to jail for awhile to see if he changes his ways.
28884
Not getting out of an abusive relationship sooner than I did.
573232
You have to go into this with an open mind. I had a similar situation arise and am still trying to correct it. I was in a relationship that lasted almost 6 years. I was verbally, physically and emotionally abused by my ex. I met a wonderful man who helped me get out of my situation and get my mind off my ex. But I still doted because I had grown a strong attatchment to him (my ex) even though I didn't love him anymore. By the time I realized I was in love with this new man, things were too late...I'm still praying for him to come back my way.  What I'm trying to get at is that you need to give yourself time to get over your abusive ex, because you won't be happy in your new relationship. Loving somebody else is a big sign that you're getting closer to that. Remember your ex is your ex for a reason and HE did all that bad stuff to you. Not your new guy. You will also realize quicker in a new relationship if he has abusive tendencies so you can move on.  I suggest calling him and trying to set something up such as    coffee, keep it casual and let him know face to face how you feel. I know your scared but you have to do it or you'll never know what could have been!
487126
I can help you out with this one. My now husband did the same thing you did in 1992.  He met a girl that was 10 years younger than he was, had had a past past, abused etc., He married her 6 months later. He gave her a job, an education, a house, a car  etc.  They got into a car accident 5 years later, and got a big settlement for it, ( it was in her name ), so they decided to buy things with it, but she also started to complain that he wasn't doing enough for her, his family wasn't liking her, etc...\nWell one day he came home and she told him to get th ehell out of the house that she didn't want nothing to do with him anymore. \nShe had had enough.  \nShe took him to court, took everything away from him, told people he was beating her up...Believe me she deserved it, but I know my husband he can't kill a fly...\nAnd at the end , he had nothing.  Except his self respect.\nSo my advice to you is get the hell out while you can, because after everything you've done for her, she will grow older want more and finally leave you with nothing.\nThere's someone else in this world that is worthy of your love, so don't waist it on her...\nGive her the booth, but be sure to have all your paperwork , ( money, bank account, receipts ) and everything else in order before you do...\nGood luck
582806
I was the some as you and it took me years to completely trust someone again and even then I still gave this guy a hard time. One day it dawned on me that he wanted to be with me and had suffered thru all that I had given him and was still there. He is now my partner of 3 years. He understood how I had been hurt and was prepared to work thru it with me. If the guy really wants to be with you and the feeling is mutual, he will stick with you. Tell him how you feel and why you feel like that. If he is worth his salt, he'll stick with you. You also need to realise that if you don't learn to trust again, you'll always be alone.
87117
With my ex, we were not married, but we were together for awhile - he was everything to me at first. I was 14 and he was 17, I ran away from home a lot and got messed up with my friends and eventually I ran into Drew. He worked in music and already made himself very successful at his young age so when he asked me out I was speechless. He had a gorgeous smile and the perfect body, after a few months of complete bliss I moved into his house. It was nice living independently when I was only 14. Not long after that he started getting jealous around some of my male friends and a few times grabbed my arm and dragged me to a private place where he could speak down to me but then start kissing me. Within that following year he began drinking heavily and the abuse got worse. I ended up in the hospital a couple times. I would try to leave but he'd always find a way back to me. It finally ended when he was arressted for attempted murder (amongst other charges), because he had an array of doctors in his defense he was sentenced to five years in a state hospital and probation. I know he did not try to kill me because he very easily could have if he wanted too. He got off on torturing me. I was unconscious for three days, I had four broken ribs, both wrists were fractured, a twisted ankle, I was on a ventilator for awhile because I couldn't breath from the swelling of my throat when he repeatedly choked me until I passed out, as well as multiple cuts and bruises. I also suffered a miscarriage, which is what hurt me the most.  This happened one week after my 16th birthday. I at least learned how to take care of myself and I don't hesitate to fight back.
309191
Sounds like you need to get some therapy !  Battered wife syndrome at the very least.  Did you like the abuse? Answering that question honestly to yorself will tell you to be or not to be friends with him.  DON'T MAKE EXCUSES FOR HIS ABUSE.