I've been with my husband for two years and we have a beautiful 5 month old duaghter.As of now i'm a housewife my husband works at a casino and he makes tips every night but when he finally gets home from work which could be up to five hours after he gets off work. He's drunk and broke. sometimes our daughter will need food but he doesn't care he tells me to borrow money from family to feed her and myself. he tells me he loves me and our daughter he doesn't know what he'd do without us but every thing he does tells me the oposite.I've told him how I feel and he says he's an alcoholic and he'll never change. \n\nNow that i've given you some history here's my question right now he's late as usual. Should i even let him in the house because if i do there's no possible way for me to leave him until tommorrow or the next night when he does this again to me. I'm so torn becouse I love him so much and I guess I'm hoping one day he'll relize he does love us and that we deserve a better life.
125610
this is what i would do. i would leave him a note and say i'm leaving you for a while. and when i feel that you want us to be a family and take care of us like you should than we can be a family again but i can't stand you being gone all night and everything else. just tell him how you feel in the letter and be gone for a few weeks or even a few months to see if that changes him. if you do go back to him and you don't see any changes than he isn't going to change and he don't want to be a family and he don't care about you or the baby. one thing i do see you can leave anytime and you said that you wanted to leave so that is telling me that you made up your mind and what your going to do. no one can really tell you what to do you really have to follow what your heart is telling you. and you have to think about what is best for you and your baby. so you do whatever you have to do girly and if you ever need to talk i'm here. i hope i have helped you out and i hope everything works out for you and the baby
44993
I think you should support him as far as the stopped drinking part, but also let him know as long as he has contact with the other woman that there is not a chance in he$$ that you will ever commit to him or trust him again.  It takes two to make a marriage work not one and although he has made a few changes he has not yet made the most important one of completly cutting all ties with this other woman.
73118
He has some serious problems with control. I would think if this is the way I wanted to live. He has no right to tell you that you can't do something. He is your husband not anything else. K
600733
Since the day my 6 week maternity leave ended, my husband has been a stay at home dad.  I had just gotten promoted at work and have a good paying career.  He is a landscaper by trade, and made less money than I do.  He also had no benefits, whereas I have everything from 401k to healthcare and dental.  He stays at home, does the dishes, laundry, cleans, vaccuums, and even makes me supper most nights (he's a great cook too).  The only real "job" I have at home is folding the laundry after he's washed it....and that's cause I'd rather do it myself than have him screw it up.  LOL.  It has really worked out well for us.  We've avoided the expense of daycare, not to mention having complete strangers caring for your child.\n\nMy family doesn't really approve...my sister actually called him a freeloader once.  But this is coming from a stay at home mom whose abusive and controlling husband won't "allow" her to work.  \n\nIf I could, I would choose to be the stay at home mom, and let my husband work.  For a while I was jealous of the idea that he got to spend all that extra quality time with our son.  But now that it's been a couple of years, we have made it work out well for us.
70199
If you are having any doubts now then I don't think you are ready to be trapped in a marriage especially when he drinks.  I know that you said he only gets argumentive when he drinks but even still - when you're married drinking is the stupidist thing you can do.  There's so many more important things to do, more responsibilities and priorities that you will need to worry about and take care of that drinking is definitely a bad thing to involve.  If you argue all the time about little stuff then it would definitely not be smart to take your relationship to the next level and be stuck.  I thought me and my husband would be great together - we never argued or anything while dating and as soon as we moved in together and were married .. all of a sudden we were arguing over every stupid little thing.  It was little stuff ... but all the time and believe me even that will make u unhappy and miserable.  Don't drag on your relationship just because you have been together for 2 years. I believe you deserve someone better honestly.  Give it your all in working it out so you'll know if it ends that you tried all you could do and wont have any regrets.  Please take care and I hope it all works out for you the way you deserve.  Marriage is not what I thought it was - you will know what I mean when that happens for you.  Please hold off on it. Please - u deserve to be happy.
247245
dear,\ni have been(in a way I'm still) for 5 years with a man who had, more or less, the same problem.I told me that he cannot be happy if he was going out and not drinking . So...when we were out with a group of friends, after a while the alcohol was more important than me.\nI don't remember how many times I left a place alone, leaving him there already drunk.\nThe point is: do u deserve this?\nNo darling, u deserve much more than a stupid man who cannot be happy without his drinking!find a man who is there for you!
355151
you are pretty selfish, i must say. let's pretend you're her and she's you, she's out drinking and doing whatever she wants, while you're at home all day long taking care of your daughter and worrying like mad? wouldn't you be kinda pissed too? \nshe's a human, you know? think about her too. her bf's drinking like hell outside not taking any responsibilities at all. raising a daughter all by herslf and she still has to worry about you. if you know that all you can take care of is yourself? you're a father now, will you act like one? gees, how can you have a daughter when you're still like an immature boy yourself? and then giving all this extra work to your gf? no wonder she's mad. and the answer to your question is YES! do you even need to ask?\ntelling her you love her is one thing but if thats it and you always cause her extra trouble, then of course the 3 words will start to lose its power. she's a woman. when she's tired, she needs a shoulder to lean her head on. when she feels lonely, she needs gentle yet strong arms to hug her and tell her you'll be by her side forever. when she needs comfort, she wants you to be by her side to comfort her. when she's about to fall, you should be there to catch her and help her stand back up. no matter how strong a woman is, there's a weak side to her. she needs to feel loved and cared for. these are ways to show her you love her. on the weekends, take her out to eat or stay at home and cook for her. let her rest for a while. then take her out to the movies or shopping. after dinner, take a stroll down the park. surprise her with her favorite flowers and chocolates or something that she likes every once in a while. let her go out with her friends while you stay at home taking care of your daughter and cleaning the house. it serously won't cost you that much but it'll make her realize that you do care about her. \ni recommend you first try to stop your addiction for alcohol. i'm not saying at once, little by little. if you want to show her you love her, start by stop drinking. its bad for your own body too. \ni hope these suggestions help. before she really loses faith in you and leaves you, win her back!
659350
The pain isn't going to stop until you deal with your feelings, tell him how this has made you feel, and finally forgive him for what he did.  What happened in your marriage is a big thing - getting counseling would be a wise thing to do.  \nYour husband obviously has a drinking problem that needs to be dealt with.  If he knows he gets stupid when he drinks - why does he still drink?  Seeing a counselor would be a good thing for both of you and it will help you both communicate with eachother.
205792
I know exactly what you are going through!  I've been married to an alcoholic for the past 23 years.  He has always worked and provided for us.  We have two children, one who is grown already(22) and a son who is 13.  You need to sit with him and have a heart to heart talk with him, when he is not drinking (that's very important).  He sounds like a good man with a problem, just like my husband.  If you continue to let this go, even though it's already affecting you, believe me, things will change and not for the better.  After so many years, our marriage has gone down the drain, he even left me for another woman for several months. (A woman that drank and partied with him, of course).  He's back home with me but it's never going to be the same, because he's still drinking even though he's detoxed several times now.  I wish you the best of luck.  And one more very important thing.  Make sure you have resources to take care of yourself and your children.  I was left without any, and I'm making sure this never, ever happens to me again.  I won't allow it.  Take charge of yourself, because if he doesn't change, it's not going to get easier.  Take it from a pro. If need be, look up an Al-Anon meeting in your area.  They are very good in making you realize ways you can help yourself.  If anything do this for your kids.  Even though they may be mentally challenged and he doesn't drink around them, doesn't mean it's not going to affect them.  They are still young, but they won't be for long.  And if this affects you, it will definitely affect them.  Children have a sense of when their mommy is not happy.  Believe me.
115737
Well ive never been threw it but ill be more then happy to give you my 2 cents with out calling you a slut, i think part of it is your husbands fault for not making sure you have what you need, now i know alot of people are going to scream for me saying that but its the truth, in a marriage part of our job is doing everything possible to make sure our partner is getting everything we need from them emotionally or sexually. Thats just the way it works for a healthy marriage, The only bit of advice i could give you not being actually in that situation is to eather pick on or the other, i can see you feeling even more torn when your feelings for this other guy are fostered even more and you cant act on it, not to mention the emotional and sexual frustrations that can easily bring. I can understand why you turned to this other man for support you wernt getting at home. But i can only see you hurting yourself in the long run if you dont cut ties with one of them. That is unless you totally dont love your husband anymore and your just in it for everything youve envested on a tangable level that you dont want to lose. But honestly do you think if you bumped this relationship up with this other guy you would be able to continue this double life, i hate to label it that way but thats the only thing i can think of to call it right off the top of my head, but i think you understand where im coming from. You need to set a game plan in your head on where you want to go in life if things with this other guy keep developing, what happens if this guy says ok ill chuck my marriage will you chuck yours? what if he talks about you guys meeting and making a full flaired affair? What if your husband finds out about whats going on how will you respond? How will your husband? Im not saying i know what you should do or what you need to do, but if i were you i would get a clear picture of what i wanted from your husband or from this other guy. Do you think there would be a possiblity you would be more happy in your marriage if your husband started to work with you on your problems with the marriage? Do you think there is any hope for you marriage now? Do you think your husband is doing the same thing you are on some sort of level? IF he was how do you feel about it? I think you need to ask yourself these kinds of questions and in deep deep detail figure out what you want to do, i dont think anyone in here can really answer those kinds of questions and give you any much more of a clear picture then you seriously thinking about this i wish you all of luck and i really hope you get something figured out on this *HUGS*
349349
First of all, I want you to know I strongly empathize for you and am so sorry for what you're going through.  It must be extremely difficult to love someone who can't give love back to you, and to love someone who is toxic for you.  You asked for "advice".  Obviously, he had a drinking problem before the 2 of you married.  I say that because you've been married 10 years, but he has liver problems (I'm assuming from his alcohol intake) which take a while to manifest--usually liver damage shows up after about 15 years of continuous heavy drinking.  Don't quote me on that being specific to everyone--all of us break down alcohol through our pancreas and liver at various levels.  This man is showing you through his own behaviors that HE LOVES ALCOHOL MORE THAN HE LOVES YOU.  Additionally, he is becoming increasingly abusive...how long will you stay with him before he begins physically harming you to the point you end up in a hospital emergency room or worse?  And about the amount of beer he's drinking...quantity of alcohol intake has no relation to whether a person has a problem with alcohol or not.  It's what happens to that person when s/he drinks.  And with your husband, what happens is that he experiences difficulties in his marriage, becomes another person (one who is abusive and dangerous), and he has a past history of failed relationships.  I would venture to say he's having problems in other areas of his life such as financial, spiritual, social, vocational, etc.  The bottom line is YOU MUST TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF!  And to do that means making some tough choices--IN SPITE OF HOW YOU FEEL TOWARD HIM!!  Go to Al-Anon (a 12-step group made up of family members just like you who have a loved one who is alcoholic).  Or call Al-Anon and ask that someone come to your house to visit with you, preferably at a time your husband is not at home.  And you're probably going to need to leave him (even temporarily), so you can think more clearly, have some peace of mind, and then be able to make more rational decisions for yourself.  REMEMBER: YOU CANNOT DO THIS ALONE.  YOU NEED THE SUPPORT OF OTHERS TO HELP YOU MAKE SOME VERY LIFE-CHANGING DECISIONS.  I do hope this helps you.  And know you are in my thoughts.
549863
He needs your love. To lose your love would be a blow to his ego. You mention he goes to strip bars, could be his own guilt is what he is taking out on you and I will tell you from experience, it does not change unless you both get consouling. (s) \nI had the same in my first marriage, thought it was me, I'm almost 60 now and know it sure as heck was not me, he threw an iron at me when I came out in a sexy nighty. Called me every name one would call a stripper all the slutty names, not anything to make me feel pretty or sexy, I was too young to use my head . . . use your head, he sure won't use his!   He is married, that carries responsability and that means he should not be in a strip bar, he should be with you, one flesh, eh? Please take care of your self, try to get help as a couple if not, you get help enough to get courage to be more independant from him and make some good choices for your future. I bet you are beautiful!  Please trust me, it is not you! Your words and caring show you are!
467740
Well, I wouldn't jump the gun here. My husband really doesn't have a set time to come home (since he works on the road some) however there are times when he leaves the shop and isn't home until two hours later (we live ten minutes from his job) he is a gabber mouth, he can talk to anyone forever. (My middle daughter gets this from him because she is often corrected at school for talking) Tell your husband that you miss him an awful lot, and if he could cut down on hanging out with friends after work maybe twice or three times a week. You still want him to have some "relax" time but you want to emph that you want to be with him, too.
203353
The man in the relationship wants to feel like the bread winner. Well thats what society tells all men... because they are petrayed as the hard workers who can keep the roof of the women and children's head. they are the stronger human being... As for wives... we are sensitive, we keep things nice and clean and the children bathed and fed... for one week tell your man to take off work for vacation... let him stay home and take care of children and clean house. you go so where for 8 hours or 10 hours aday... even if you don't have a job... and then come home.... I garuntee you the first day will be ok for the man... then the second day it will get harder.. then by the third day... the kitchen will be a dissaster, the kids haven't had their morning bath, they have food stains on the floor or carpet. they still have their pajamas on.... I'm telling you this because I have been there... now I work everyday for 10 hours a day and so does my husband... now when I pick up my children from the sitters house.. my husband has beet me home... dinner is cooked the house is clean... becaused I got fed up... and I told him about his self... my point is all men are on a ego trip.... they think women are supposed to do certain things... and men are just supposed to work.. watch the game &  have some drinks maybe go to the club and see strippers, eat, shower, go to the bathroom, have sex and go to sleep and do it all again the next day... Now when I pulled his daily routine, you better believe he had a lot of anger and things to say.... and I said to him why is it ok for you to do that and I can't... you know what his awnser was because you have to stay respectful to me and your children... I was like hold up. so you sayin you don't respect me and the kids... he didn't have nothin to say. I put him in his place... now he doesn't think a woman should stay home all the time. He wants me to keep working because he understands what ever I do, if I work or if I stay home... I still love him and have mad respect for him... he's learning
132445
"you just try to give him more and more love that he will forget everything."\n\n"Oh if I just love him enough, he'll love me then he'll change" NOT!!!! I'm sorry but that train of thought has trapped countless people in abusive and co-dependant relationships.\n\nYou loving him is not going to make him stop drinking. But if you confront him about his drinking, and he makes the decision to stop, then you can be there to love and support him during his rehabilitation.\n\nIf you tell him how much it bothers you and he just blows you off, then it's time to make a decision.  Is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?  Alcoholism only gets worse not better.\n\nRemember, you can't fix him. Only he can choose how he is going to live his life. All you can do is take care of yourself and be there to help him if he needs it. (and helping doesn't mean holding his head while he pukes)
242706
Wow, you're doing a wonderful job just by hanging in there. Your family is lucky to have you. \n\nBut yes, you will exhaust yourself trying to keep the family afloat alone (basically), and without anyone meeting your emotional needs.\n\nWhat your husband doing is very common for men. I know I can drift that way as well. It's hard to deal with the pressures of work, then come home and "depressurize" to meeting people's emotional needs. Chances are he is not skilled with relationships anyway, so it drains him to try.\n\nThis is not an excuse for his behavior. I'm simply saying it's understandable and common. Ultimately, he needs to change his priorities and realize that you are giving far beyond what is fair and that you can't do it forever -- you have needs as well. \n\nI think he thinks he does love you, but he's not "getting" that his actions aren't showing you any love at all.\n\nIs there any clear end in sight to his study/work schedule? Sometimes you can just let thing go, if he has one or two semesters left. If the end is far away or you can't see an end, then you need to fix things now.\n\nYou can't force him to talk, you can just give him opportunity. Ask him general questions about how his day went; don't push if he doesn't want to talk much; he'll see it as "nagging" (he'd be wrong, but that's how he'll probably perceive it). \n\nTell him the BASICS of your day, rather than tons of nitty-gritty details (those things will overwhelm him). If you can make conversation seem less overwhelming or intense for him, then maybe he will eventually open up.\n\nIs there anyone he is close to, whom you can confide in and who can talk to him? You don't want to manipulate, but he does need to hear that, although he is definitely doing good by working hard and studying hard, you and your son are dying inside and need his presence more than his work ethic. He needs to reprioritize things.\n\nYou also need to ask for 15 minutes of his time. Tell him, without pleading or begging or sounding angry, that you are proud of what he has done and how hard he works; and that you want to be as supportive as you can; but that even if he doesn't understand why, you feel completely alone and that your son misses him too. You can't live in such an emotionless vacuum. Something has to change. Your marriage is suffering.\n\nSet some practical time boundaries -- small at first if necessary, of what you need. Decide with him what things you need help with and how he can help.\n\nHe's going to have trouble shifting gears. I hope that he listens to you and senses your support for him, as well as how much you're hurting; and this will motivate him to change. He will not give you everything you need and deserve at first, but that's where he's at right now and needs time to change. \n\nHe might need advice from others who have been in his situation before. Some things will not be obvious to him.\n\nBless you for hanging in there and trying so hard to keep your family going.
282130
girl i am a mom of four kids and i had the same problem about 2 years ago he would take off drinking since thursday and come home sunday night finally when i would ask him he would say because of our finacial problems.  So i went out and got a job and when i told him iwas gonna start going out and drinking he calmed down a lot he still drinks but it nothing like b4.  U need to scare him and he will change we have been together 8 years and now we are happier than ever SCARE HIM DON'T BE AFRAID I WAS AT FIRST BUT TRUST ME HE WILL CHANGE.  \n\n\nGOOD LUCK LET ME KNOW WHAT HAPPENS K