If you have been physically, sexually and emotionally abused then is there a way that you can overcome your fear of men? I mean I am 24 and I have never been in a proper relationship because I fear these things happening to me again. If I stay this way then I will never get into a relationship will I. I just want to feel safe and not have to worry if it will happen again.
128269
One of the things that I have found to be common in so many people is fear. Fear is something that cripples people and keeps them from pursuing and reaching their dreams. This does not have to be so! I truly believe that a person does not have to have fear in their life. I can honestly say that I do not have any fear in my life. Now, I am not perfect by any means but fear is not something I have because I have dealt with it. \n\nThe main reason I do not have fear is because I have come to grips with the concepts surrounding fear. I have understood fear, primarily from two angles. The first angle is psychologically and the second angle is theologically. You see, I think that if we address the issues of life and the fears we experience from both a good understanding of psychology and theology, then I believe we can be free from fear. \n\nPsychology is the study of the mind and that is where most of our fears take place. Theology is the understanding of God and the world we live in as it relates to God and what takes place in this world. I know from personal experience, that as we settle just a few basic issues, we can be free from fear. A few weeks ago I spoke to a group on fear and here are a few of the insights I gave them on how they can get over their fears and get on with their lives. Look and see how each one of these principles fits either psychology or theology. \n\nDisciplining your thoughts. \nFear is an action of the mind. Fear is a use, or better said, misuse, of the imagination. In reality, when you fear something, you are simply choosing to imagine a future happening. You are fearful that your spouse will divorce you (future), or that the snake will bite you (future – it hasn't yet), or that you will lose your job (future – you still have it). So when we fear, we are simply letting our minds imagine a bad future. That is what fear is! Imagining a bad future. So what is the answer? \n\nWell, there are two things you can do. One would be to imagine a good future. The other would be to stop thinking about the future and just take one day at a time. If you are a fearful person, either one of these would be preferable to living in the prison you currently live in. The principle remains true in that we have to discipline our minds and choose not to think about a bad future. We can do that. We can choose our thoughts. It just takes discipline. \n\nAccepting the realities of life. \nMuch of what people fear are the realities of life. Some may think this cold, but people die, people lose jobs, people choose to do crazy things in relationships etc. There is nothing you can do about that. Period. For example, I know many fearful mothers who won't let their children play in the front yard because they are afraid the kids will get kidnapped. Now, what should they do? Do everything they can to make it safe and then let their kids play in the front yard! Some people are afraid they will go bankrupt or broke and worry endlessly about it. What should they do? Work hard, save, invest and live life. Could someone get kidnapped? Yes. Could you go bankrupt? Yes. These things happen and all you can do is work to make your life what it can be and accept that sometimes things happen, even tragic things. If they happen, you experience the pain and emotion then – there is no sense forcing yourself to experience it before it happens – IF it happens! This is a mental adjustment that we make that enables us to get over fear. \n\nGive yourself good information. \nMuch of what we fear is irrational and not based on good information. For example, someone afraid of snakes will scream when they see a gardener snake, even though the reality is that there is absolutely nothing that snake can do to them! Take the time to educate yourself about whatever it is you fear and see if that doesn't help you gain the mental edge you need. \n\nTaking control only of those things you can control. \nThere are things you can control and things
356768
Do not feel ignorant. Abuse comes in many forms, and unless your husband gets help FAST, things will escalate. He has control issues, and feels very insecure about everything. Most abusers are insecure, and feel that violence is the only way to keep the things they love from leaving. But in actuality all it does is FORCE the things they love further away from them. I strongly suggest getting help, and if he refuses...you need to leave before things get worse. Without help, eventually your relationship with him will crumble to the point of nonexistance. There is no excuse for being violent with someone, and stress happens to everyone. Not everyone gets ready to beat the crap out of their wife/ mate however when the situation gets hairy. Once again, get him some help before its too late, or leave and work on you. Huge hugs, and best of luck.
573232
You have to go into this with an open mind. I had a similar situation arise and am still trying to correct it. I was in a relationship that lasted almost 6 years. I was verbally, physically and emotionally abused by my ex. I met a wonderful man who helped me get out of my situation and get my mind off my ex. But I still doted because I had grown a strong attatchment to him (my ex) even though I didn't love him anymore. By the time I realized I was in love with this new man, things were too late...I'm still praying for him to come back my way.  What I'm trying to get at is that you need to give yourself time to get over your abusive ex, because you won't be happy in your new relationship. Loving somebody else is a big sign that you're getting closer to that. Remember your ex is your ex for a reason and HE did all that bad stuff to you. Not your new guy. You will also realize quicker in a new relationship if he has abusive tendencies so you can move on.  I suggest calling him and trying to set something up such as    coffee, keep it casual and let him know face to face how you feel. I know your scared but you have to do it or you'll never know what could have been!
110670
Unfortunately, your situation is normal.  I know that sucks.  I've been there too.  But as I got older, I had PLENTY of relationships (some I shouldn't have been so willing to rush into.)  Endure and have fun.  This soon shall pass for you.
205251
I just wanted to encourage you. I have serious dating anxiety. I really like people but I always just give and give and so therefore I have trouble even considering dating anyone right now.
299830
Your either scared to get into a real relationship for fear of getting hurt so you pick men that are emotionally unavailable OR maybe you dont like yourself and question any  man who does ??
93655
I'm sorry about what happened to you and your family.  \nI can't understand why women put up with abuse, either.  I can only imagine that it's because those men have a power over the women's minds.
633076
GET OVER IT\n\nit's part of growing up. it's part of being a woman. there is nothing to be afraid of it.
12085
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN.I ALSO HAVE FOUGHT SO HARD TO WHERE I AM. I HAVE GONE THRU SO MUCH,AND FOR PEOPLE TO JUDGE YOU BY YOUR AGE. I'M 22 and feel as a 30 year old man, i have my own home, my own car and a good buissnes.i have no problems dateing,but i seem to find the wrong kind of woman that likes to control a man,i have a sense of humor and at times i like to release steam on programs like this yahoo answers,but i'm no kid. i also enjoy the good, silly OR deep answers and questions here at yahoo. i don't care about points,i just need to blow out a little steam and survive another day in this life. FIGHTING FOR AIR as you say. i thank you so much for this public thank you,for you gave me confort and i know i am not alone. THANK YOU!
72991
You have sexual anxiety that stems from this abuse earlier in life.  You  need to not be afraid to seek professional help in this matter.  Seeing a psychiatric professional does not make you crazy, or weird... and it shows that you are ready to get past the situation.  Until you can bring the topic to the surface and accept it then you will have intimacy issues for the rest of your life.  Please do not be afraid to seek help for yourself, because every minute that you avoid it is a minute of your life that you are allowing the sick and twisted individual that abused you to continue to control your life!  The longer this goes on, the more you are relinquishing your life to this horrible situation... swallow your pride and act on this before you waste anymore of your life living in fear
563242
I was molested from the early age of about 9 years to 17 years.....and it has effected my life in ways I would never have guessed. I have trust issues, I let myself gain alot of weight when I was younger(hoping to make myself as unatractive as I could in my teen years), I have anger, body issues now..and trouble with intimacy. I have wanted to commit suicide, and became depressed because I felt like the only thing I good for was sex. I am now in therapy and doing so much better. Its hard to discuss, because you feel ashamed and blame myself.....It never goes away, but you can learn to deal with it and love yourself again.
673347
I was once in the same situation for 10 years...I was verbally abused as well as physically abused...we had 2 children...in 60's we had no place to escape to...I eventually was given a way out.....our son is in prison because of his painful childhood....so I do know where you are coming from...people should never stay in an abusive relationship "For the Children" they are suffering that abuse with you....\nAs far as the healing...well its been nearly 28 years since I got out of that marriage...I have anger problems....I have memory loss... I have anxiety and post traumatic stress syndrome...but I have been holding out pretty good...healing takes time...I am still healing...one thing I did learn from all this...Men who do this sort of thing have a complex...they look to you as above them so in order to bring you to THEIR level they have to over power you enough to make themselves feel better about themselves..just hang in there...go forward don't look back....get a journal and write down your feelings..it really helps...and sometimes its better than trying to explain it to people who have never been there...time heals all wounds...but for some...it just takes a lot of time....let me know ...been there...done that...
118930
you need to learn more about yourself first, before you can connect up with someone else.  if you are scared, there is a reason.  talk with someone, write your feelings out, see if you can figure out why you are scared.   you are valuable, don't allow yourself to be pressured into anything you don't wish to do.
449293
I'm 31, and while not "terrified" of dating, it does stress me out a lot. Rather than putting a lot of pressure on yourself with "dating", I recommend simply focusing on having an active social life, on being involved in clubs and organizations where you can meet new guys. Invite them out on casual "getting to know you" type outings. If romantic potential is there, you can build to it.\n\nThere's no need to rush towards anything physical (in fact, it's better not to). If you find that you like a guy but want to take things slow, be open and honest with him about it. Same thing if you don't want a romance (and he seems to).
244426
my best advice would be to just go out on a date...it doesn't have to be with someone you're attracted to if that's easier...maybe a male friend...someone you know will me nice to you...so you can see how it should be.  Maybe meeting someone someplace like church would help...or a group in your area for people who've had abuse in their lives.
668683
Speaking form personal experience, it's both physical and emotional.  I had been bi from about the age of 12, so I have been in relationships with men before, after 5 years of no men I can honestly say that I am happier now and was probably straight up lesbian all along.  I was never in fear of what a relationship with a man would mean, nor am I now.  I just happen to find women much more appealing, who wouldn't want a woman's body?  Plus, the emotional connection is much different.  Women connect with women on a different level, as do guys.  Most of my friends are men, but I only date women.
513417
I think most of us have been there.  I'm glad you got out I know it isn't easy.  I don't know why we get and stay in those kind of relationships maybe we have to learn something about ourselves, that we are good enough to be loved and treated well.  I hope you see that about yourself now.  Make the next relationship a wonderful one you deserve it.