So, here I was updating my BIOS, when I came to use the floppy drive on my mum's computer.. and it's jam packed with dust!\n\nMy question is.. Whats the funniest was to tell her?! lol..\n\nShe's a Paincer you see.. So she'll suspect the worst..\n\nI'm currently going with - By the way Mum, >Raises Voice< YOUR COMPUTER IS F**KED - and seeing how she reacts lol.\n\n(This really is just a question for points.. just type whateva lol)\n\n=) Mikeo
122254
say a whole bunch of fancy made up words about computers, and then when she says, so what does that mean? say, your new computer is now officaly a peice of s*** and continue to exlpain that if you have cats , that they should not sleep in front of the computer fan. and actually check and make sure there is not a giant pile of dust in her floppy\n\nlol
378489
he he he he he, \nthat was great, i can't finish typing coz i'm laughing too much- hjsgkld ghskjdblkxcvn, bmxncbuwreolguihlk.\nThat was a good one, thanks!!!
211676
IF it's POOP, discard the laptop, burn it and burry it.  Disgusting man!  If its soda pop, then remove the keyboard, flush it with running water, let it dry and put it back on. I have done this three times. It works!.
156470
Thank you from a mom's viewpoint.  I think it's lack of supervision.  The computer may be in an area of the home that's is shut off from the adults.  Also I don't think some parents know what type of questions are being asked.
137945
Try this one here:\n\nCOSTELLO GETS A COMPUTER\nCostello: Hey, Abbott! \nAbbott: Yes, Lou? \nCostello: I just got my first computer. \nAbbott: That's great, Lou. What did you get? \nCostello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive, and a 24X CD-ROM. \nAbbott: That's terrific, Lou. \nCostello: But I don't know what any of it means! \nAbbott: You will in time. \nCostello: That's exactly why I'm here to see you. \nAbbott: Oh? \nCostello: I heard that you're a real computer expert. \nAbbott: Well, I don't know . . . \nCostello: Yes-sir-ee. You know your stuff. And you're going to train me. \nAbbott: Really? \nCostello: Uh huh. And I am here for my first lesson. \nAbbott: O.K. Lou. What do want to know? \nCostello: I am having no problem turning it on, but I heard that you should be very careful how you turn it off. \nAbbott: That's true. \nCostello: So, here I am working on my new computer and I want to turn it off. What do I do? \nAbbott: Well, first you press the Start button, and then . . . \nCostello: No, I told you I want to turn it off. \nAbbott: I know, you press the Start button . . . \nCostello: Wait a second. I want to turn it Off. I know how to start it. So tell me what to do. \nAbbott: I did. \nCostello: When? \nAbbott: When I told you to press the Start button. \nCostello: Why should I press the Start button? \nAbbott: To shut off the computer. \nCostello: I press Start to stop? \nAbbott: Well, Start doesn't actually stop the computer. \nCostello: I knew it! So what do I press? \nAbbott: Start. \nCostello: Start what? \nAbbott: Start button. \nCostello: Start button to do what? \nAbbott: Shut down. \nCostello: You don't have to get rude! \nAbbott: No, no, no! That's not what I meant. \nCostello: Then say what you mean. \nAbbott: To shut down the computer, press . . . \nCostello: Don't say, "Start!" \nAbbott: Then what do you want me to say? \nCostello: Look, if I want to turn off the computer, I am willing to press the Stop button, the End button and Cease and Desist button, but no one in their right mind presses the Start to Stop. \nAbbott: But that's what you do. \nCostello: And you probably Go at Stop signs, and Stop at green lights. \nAbbott: Don't be ridiculous. \nCostello: I'm being ridiculous? Well, I think it's about time we started this conversation. \nAbbott: What are you talking about? \nCostello: I am starting this conversation right now. Good-bye. \n\n=============================\n\nand this one: \n\n\nTech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." \nCustomer: I don't have a P. \nTech support: On your keyboard, Bob. \nCustomer: What do you mean? \nTech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob. \nCustomer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!! \n============== \nCustomer: I'm trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn't work. What am I doing wrong? \nTech support: OK, you've got the CD in the CD drive, right? \nCustomer: Yeah.... \nTech support: And what sort of computer are you using? \nCustomer: Computer? Oh no, I haven't got a computer. It's in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen..... \nTech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!! \n=============== \nTech support: What kind of computer do you have? \nFemale customer: A white one... \n=============== \nCustomer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out. \nTech support: Have you tried pushing the button? \nCustomer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck. \nTech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note. \nCustomer: No .. wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... sorry.... \n=============== \nTech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on the left of the screen. \nCus
597218
~~ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 1265-\nCASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY~~\n\n A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat.\n\n This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused when On the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the Driver and he had the man arrested.\n\nThe case came up in court. The judge asked the Man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. \n\nThe man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat under a sweets sign that said: "The Double Mint Twins are Coming" and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign That said: "Logan's Liniment will \nreduce the swelling", and I had to smile. Then She placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick", and I could hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, "Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident"...I just lost it."\n\n~~"CASE DISMISSED!!"~~
655266
ya mum's so fat she makes free willy look like a tic tac\nKids: dont do drugs.. do ya mum, but the drugs are good too!
34576
Our new Macintosh computer will arrive soon.\nThe  12 inch computer monitor is too small.\nOur Christmas jewelry sale offers extraordinary values on gold heart pendants.\nMy two hour commute to work everyday takes too long.\nI completed most of my biology homework this semester.
654575
Try using your mother floppy...LOL only joking.  go to www.bootdisk.com then download the bootdisk maker and create bootable floppy's.  NOTE: This is only a boot disk and not the actual windows installation cd.
386312
Cute little 5 year old Daisy ...?\nSees a group of surly workmen turn up next door 2 build a house. She takes an interest & starts to talk to them. The builders with hearts of gold adopt her as a site mascot.\n\nAfter a week they present her with a pink hat & gloves, and even a wage packet of £5. Goodness says mummy smiling, are you working there next week ..?\n\nDaisy replies:\n\n"I think so mummy, provided the cnuts from Jewsons deliver the fcuking bricks!! "\n\n This joke brought to you by Bad B in the jokes/riddles section: hope you don't find it too offensive!!!!\n\nM  :  )
488590
That was freaking hilarious!! *picks self up off floor* \nGod that was great! Thanks for the laugh! I have to send this along to my bf!!! LOL
17599
Hi!\nRight now I can see my computer and its accessories....\nthe door in front of me is open and I can see one month old puppies (4 of them), and their mother yawning, sleeping and two of them fighting, while their mother (my dogee!)is sprawled in the sun enjoying the winter sun...\nI can see a few trees through the window in front of me... and the birds flying and a few crows crowing around ;)\nWhat else?\nI can't see much of the stuff sitting  here, but from here I can hear cars and scooters passing by on the road just behind my house.\nThe desk on which my computer is placed has a small pink scented candle which we hardly ever use! There are pink and white flowers which were very beautiful to look at when we had bought them but now the pot in which they were placed is broken. Also, there's a small green frog on the desk smirking at me, looks pretty clean and friendly (non-slimy!)\nWell, that's about it I guess!
226819
Heres some funnies for ya...\nNO PARENT LEFT BEHIND \n\nI promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are REAL notes written by PARENTS in a Tennessee school district. (Spellings have been left intact.) Most of them are funny, but some are just sad. \n\n\n1-- MY SON IS UNDER A DOCTOR'S CARE AND SHOULD NOT TAKE PE TODAY. PLEASE EXECUTE HIM. \n\n2-- PLEASE EXKUCE LISA FOR BEING ABSENT SHE WAS SICK AND I HAD HER SHOT \n\n3-- DEAR SCHOOL: PLEASE ECSC's JOHN BEING ABSENT ON JAN. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 AND ALSO 33. \n\n4-- PLEASE EXCUSE GLORIA FROM JIM TODAY. SHE IS ADMINISTRATING. \n\n5-- PLEASE EXCUSE ROLAND FROM P.E. FOR A FEW DAYS. YESTERDAY HE FELL OUT OF A TREE AND MISPLACED HIS HIP. \n\n6-- JOHN HAS BEEN ABSENT BECAUSE HE HAD TWO TEETH TAKEN OUT OF HIS FACE. \n\n7-- \nCARLOS WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE WAS PLAYING FOOTBALL. HE WAS HURT IN THE GROWING PART. \n\n8-- MEGAN COULD NOT COME TO SCHOOL TODAY BECAUSE SHE HAS BEEN BOTHERED BY VERY CLOSE VEINS. \n\n9-- CHRIS WILL NOT BE IN SCHOOL CUS HE HAS AN ACRE IN HIS SIDE. \n\n10-- PLEASE EXCUSE RAY FRIDAY FROM SCHOOL. HE HAS VERY LOOSE VOWELS. \n\n11-- PLEASE EXCUSE PEDRO FROM BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD (DIAHRE, DYREA, DIREATHE), THE SH**S. NOTE: [WORDS IN ( )'s WERE CROSSED OUT. (Love it!) \n\n12-- PLEASE EXCUSE TOMMY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD DIARRHEA, AND HIS BOOTS LEAK. \n\n13-- IRVING WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE MISSED HIS BUST. \n\n14-- PLEASE EXCUSE JIMMY FOR BEING. IT WAS HIS FATHER'S FAULT. {You know, this could be legit!} \n\n15-- I KEPT BILLIE HOME BECAUSE SHE HAD TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING BECAUSE DON'T KNOW WHAT SIZE SHE WEAR. \n\n16-- PLEASE \nEXCUSE JENNIFER FOR MISSING SCHOOL YESTERDAY. WE FORGOT TO GET THE SUNDAY PAPER OFF THE PORCH, AND WHEN WE FOUND IT MONDAY. WE THOUGHT IT WAS SUNDAY. \n\n17-- MY DAUGHTER WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY BECAUSE SHE WAS TIRED. SHE SPENT A WEEKEND WITH THE MARINES. {I absolutely LOVE that one!} \n\n18-- PLEASE EXCUSE JASON FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. HE HAD A COLD AND COULD NOT BREED WELL. \n\n19-- PLEASE EXCUSE MARY FOR BEING ABSENT YESTERDAY. SHE WAS IN BED WITH GRAMPS. \n\n20-- GLORIA WAS ABSENT YESTERDAY AS SHE WAS HAVING A GANGOVER. \n\n21-- PLEASE EXCUSE BRENDA. SHE HAS BEEN SICK AND UNDER THE DOCTOR. \n\n22-- MARYANN WAS ABSENT DECEMBER 11-16, BECAUSE SHE HAD A FEVER, SORETHROAT, HEADACHE AND UPSET STOMACH. HER SISTER WAS ALSO SICK, FEVER AN SORE THROAT, HER BROTHER HAD A LOW GRADE FEVER AND ACHED ALL OVER. I WASN'T THE BEST EITHER SORE THROAT AND FEVER. THERE MUST BE \nSOMETHING GOING AROUND, HER FATHER EVEN GOT HOT LAST NIGHT. \n\nNOW WE KNOW WHY PARENTS ARE SCREAMING FOR BETTER EDUCATION FOR OUR KIDS. \n\n\n\nQUESTIONS ABOUT 2010 OLYMPICS \n\nNow that Vancouver has won the chance to host the 2010 Winter Olympics these are some questions people the world over are asking!!!! Believe it or not these questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website (frightening, isn't it!) \n\nQ: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)\nA. We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around and watch them die. \n\nQ: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the street? (USA)\nA: Depends on how much you've been drinking. \n\nQ: I want to walk from Vancouver to Toronto-can I follow the Railroad tracks? (Sweden)\nA: Sure, it's only Four thousand miles, take lots of water. \n\nQ: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Canada? (Sweden)\nA: So it's true what they say about Swedes. \n\nQ: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed Beaver. (Italy)\nA: Let's not touch this one. \n\nQ: Are there any ATM's (cash machines) in Canada? Can you send me a list of them in Toronto, Vancouver, Edmonton and Halifax? (UK)\nA: What did your last slave die of? \n\nQ: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Canada? (USA)\nA: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of
240500
Short Story:\n\nAt work, we are all given cheap $4 mice and keyboards.  As a programmer, and someone who sits infront of the computer all day long, I am used to better equipment.  I asked for a new mouse and keyboard, and was turned down.  I asked again later, and was turned down again.\n\nThe same day I was turned down my second time, I went to my bosses assistant, instead of my boss, and told her I wanted a new mouse.  I showed her which one.  I now have a $60 Intellimouse Explorer with leather detailing.\n\nAs for the keyboard, I had to buy that myself, but I did, and tossed the old keyboard in a storage cabinet.\n\nPoint of the story:\n\nIf you keep getting rejected, turn to other sources, even if it's just yourself.
527864
I try not to do things I would mind seeing played back to me.  But I would strongly urge you to inform the police, this is called extortion and is a federal offence.  They may be able to help you and perhaps save some other fool from this humiliating experience.  That is, if this is for real.  Usually hard for a stranger to install hardware on a home computor without someone letting them in isn't it?  Hmmmmmmmmmmm?
398468
There,s life in the old dog yet fidgety!\nAn old retired Colonel was invited to a reunion dinner and halfway through the proceedings he rang his wife.\n"Agnes,this reunion is turning out more than I bargained for.They've got naked girls dancing on the tables and then giving their favours to anyone who's interested. What do you think I should do?"\nShe replied,"If you think you can do anything you'd better get home straight away."
254971
If you don't want people using these devices, then I recommend that you use an external USB floppy and USB CD and take out the internal floppy and CD drive.  Then, there's no CD or floppy on the system at all.  So, when you need to use these devices, go get them and hook them up.  You just need to make sure that the BIOS supports booting from a USB CD or a USB floppy so you can still use them in this capacity.  Most newer machines today, however, support this functionality.  You might find problems with machines that are 4 years old or older.\n\nAlthough, if the system can boot off of USB devices, they might be able to circumvent your removal of the CD and floppy by using a USB Flash drive that's bootable.