i met this guy on a phone dating service in may 2005. we talked constantly over the phone and i was always to afraid to meet him because i felt he wouldn't like me physically. now i'm not fat or ugly its just that he's latin and i'm half black and half latin but i look more black.  becuase i kept putting him off he got fed and stop calling 7 months after we met. we talked about everything and even shared strong feelings.  now recently we just started talking back to each other and back to when we going to meet. he's smart he has everything plan for the future and says he wants me to be a part of that. how can i get over my self consciousness and what i think low self-esteem? i really like him but scared of the rejection.
128609
If he's been willing to take as much time as you've said to really get to know you just by talking on the phone, he doesn't sound like the type to be put off by something as superficial as what shade your skin color is.  If you're concerned, start off the face to face with something easy, like a sitdown lunch, where you can enjoy the food and company, and just talk, only face to face.  It'll give you a chance to relax, and let him see who you really are in person.
60885
I don't understand the bit about fear that he'll get better, but look at it this way:  you seem like an outgoing talkative type and that makes you a good match for a quiet, introverted guy.  He doesn't have to strain himself to keep up the conversation, and you're probably entertaining to be around.  And you like having someone listen to you.  Two people who both want to talk a lot can wear each other out.  So opposites attracted, and it works for the most part.  It's no big surprise that--guess what--you're different.  Not every man is like your partner--some will talk your ear off and others are puppy dogs.\n\nIt's not a matter of being too affectionate.  If you want more sharing you might have to adapt to his style, and he might have to practice at it.  Try drawing him out, with follow-up questions, and realize that quiet types need time to think through an answer before they say much; if they feel rushed they resort to short answers, or aimless rambling.  \n\nThere's an interesting book called "You Don't Understand Me" that talks about the different ways men and women communicate.  Maybe that would be helpful.
52583
I'll put it like this: People are gonna judge you no matter what. If he wasn't black and he was white SOMEBODY would find SOMETHING wrong with the relationship. All you can do is live your life and if you like black guys, go for what you know, ya feel me? I'm black and I love women of all races so you can ALWAYS holla at me :)
113004
Sweetie, just be his friend. If you get a chance to get him alone, talk to him and just let him know that you like him as a friend but you usually don't talk to him around his friends because you know that they will make fun of you. You can't make someone like you so if you offer him friendship and he rejects it, then he's just a shallow jerk and who the hell needs him anyway? Hold your head up high and be proud. Don't let them make you feel less than you are. I can tell that you have a good heart and you're a very sweet girl, so if they don't like you, you know we do! I think you're very special and sometimes people in this world just don't know what to do with a good, genuine heart like yours. If they don't, then they deserve your friendship in the first place. It may not be much, but you do have us and we'll be your friend. The people on YA are good, caring people who don't give a damn what you look like. And don't say that you're unattractive. Email me and I'll give you a few tips to improve your appearance if you're really that concerned about it. Just realize that true beauty comes from within and from what I can tell, you are a true beauty. I've seen your answers and questions and your a sweet soul with a beautiful heart, so the one's that don't think so can just piss off! God bless.
400689
If you still like him, open up to him completely.  Tell him all that you feel about him, and it may take him some time to absorb all that, but he will find that under all that he was feeling during those past 7 months, he still likes you the way that you liked him.\n\nThe reason that he thought that you were a little scary is because he was intimidated by you.  If you told him how you truly felt and that it was okay for him to act completely like himself around you, then he would fine.  Tell him that the reason that you liked him is because he was awesome, and that he didn't really change, and since he didn't, you would always like him.  Good luck!
335456
There are other fish in the sea if you're afraid of being hurt, believe me. And besides, why would someone's color affect anything? If he says no, there are other guys, maybe even ones that look just like him and are a lot more open. Give him some time to get to know you(if you haven't already), and if he does prove to be color-oriented(kind of a turn-off, y'know?) show him that there is no difference between white and black. And truthfully, there really isn't. there's just shades of gray. \n\nIn other words, go for it. You certainly have my support. Besides, if he's really a racist dater, then he doesn't deserve someone as beautiful as you. Good luck!
148926
I think turning down the invitation to go out was a clue, don't even bother to call him, let it go.    I also think you shouldn't jump to conclusions, noone knows for sure if it's an ethnicity thing, maybe he has a girlfriend or wife in hiding somewhere, if he does not then maybe he just does not like you in that way or he isn't into interracial dating.  To each his own and he is entitled to date or not date who he wants but don't appear desperate, he isn't the only man in the world, I am sure you'll find someone else to like quite soon.
275781
The best thing you could do is leave him so he can find someone less shallow.  It sounds like you really don't care about this guy at all, or you would accept him for who he is.  Why did you get with him if you're embarrassed that he eats a lot, anyway?  You admit he's "really fat".  This is what really fat people do.  But even if he is really fat, he still deserves better than someone who is ashamed of him.
425195
Well here's what I think.... He should have already asked you out or asked you for your phone number BY NOW!!! BUT saying that  he's a church boy. Maybe he's a bit shy and his emotions/hormones could be RAGING and he doesn't know what to do. I think that you should just BREAK the rules and ASK him out to meet at STARBUCKS or come to your Play/musical. \n\nYou need to try to TALK to him just strike up a conversation and see where it takes you.  \n\nMy past experiences with guys like this is sometimes they are just SHY regardless of what the RULES books say some young men are shy and they don't want to get shot down but you know its ok for them to Shoot us down sometimes we're women and supposedly we can handle it but THEY can't.. But you know I don't wanna get all into that right now.\n\nThe thing is you could just strike up a conversation with him. Maybe give him your number. if he calls you invite him to the show.  But the bottom line is YOU really want to make the men ask YOU out and ASK you for YOUR phone number. If you start carrying them now you'll be doing it forever. Nobody wants a henpecked man. YOu want a man who goes for what he wants and not just STARING at you like a cow looking at a new gate. Good lord what type of looser does that?\n\nBUT if you must give into your emotions because the heart wants what the heart wants/needs.  Just break the rules  and TALK to him stop with this shy stuff. Break the ice and go for it. \nBut remember sometimes men like to be in control. That sucks but its the way it is. No matter what you have to let them be the AGGRESSORS they sometimes respect you more later. IF he wants a date with you let that turkey ask for it. If he wants your phone number make him work hard for your attention. \n\nBUT then again. Based on his teachings he may be to weak and to shallow to do it.  So you may have to help him by being more aggressive but once he gets his confidence up ..... well don't give him too much confidence that can be bad too. \n\nbut there's two options Take it or leave it. \n\nHolla
572439
You are much better off without him. Maybe he was nice to you but if he was constantly disrespecting others of your race then that is just hurtful and wrong. And who knows how long it would have taken him to start treating you badly? (And by the way, I am a firm supporter of interracial relationships, so I'm not implying you shouldn't go out with a white guy again.) Hang in there and you'll find a guy who deserves you!\n\n"he cant be to racist if hes into black women"\nWow, that's an ignorant comment. I know this is not a pleasant thing to bring up, but slave masters used to often rape their female slaves. Does that mean they weren't racist? You can think someone is attractive but still feel they're inferior to you.
492060
Tough situation. I'm afraid I don't have this wonderful recipe that will cure you instantly. \n\nBut there is something you should do, even if it is tough. Make sure you always look good, only wear clothes you like, smell nice (and I mean nice, so no cheap stuff and not too much of it !), maybe have a new haircut. That way, you will be both new as well as the same old you. If he sees you he has to have a good look at you because of the change and he may see what he misses. Even if he doesn't it helps you to boost your confidence and makes it easier to move on (yea, I know, this isn't what you want to hear, sorry !!). \n\nI have been through a few bad situations, it has always helped me to make very sure I was looking fresh and positive. Show the world what you are made of !
535408
you mean to tell me that for 1 1/2 years he never complimented you?and your still with this guy? whatever! do ya know if he even likes himself? low self esteem? there definitly is a problem here and bound to become a major issue, do you know if this guy has any love for himself to begin with? because you can't expect him to show you love if he dont love himself, you can always assure him that you are not like those he had to grow up with, that you see something in him that no body in his family does, and that you wont blame him when things go wrong, and ask him to  drop his gaurd and let you in,  tell him you not going to hurt him that you just want to help begin the healing process, teach him that if he looks past all those previous negative judgements, he will find some one that he never knew existed, some one I'm sure he'd like, just understand that those who  not by shoice had to  grow up in that type of atmosphere, will  only know rejection and to feel like they could never be nothing. he should start by feeling lucky that he's got you!  Good luck to you both!
146000
Well you really do have a self esteem issue,and if you keep pushing like you are you will lose him.\nWhat i want you to do is this,whenever you think of him doing anything that you haven't got just cause for,turn the situation around and ask yourself how you would feel if he was thinking this way of you.\nYou have to be honest with yourself and analyse this the way you analyse it with him.If you do you will se how pathetic it is and maybe you two will be together for life.If you can't do this then let the guy go and get some professional help,as you really have some blame issues to deal with.
539595
Hello, Well you could try to be his friend, but you couldn't have a normal friendship because there would allways be that feeling of rejection that he had toward you. And the fact that he's acted like an *** in the past probably means that that the future with him wouldn't be too solid. Really the best thing to do is find another guy to start new with - because I think what you really want is more than a friend relationship and that's a love relationship...right?  You can speak to him and have a casual frienship but look somewhere else for a guy who can make you feel special...Love is what you really want...and I hope you find it...good luck ...ok? ....bye bye
463707
Oh, I have the same problem, ever since I could remember. I guess it's the general thing of wanting to be liked but being afraid of rejection.\n\nYou don't have to splurge out absolutely everything about yourself in a first meeting, just smile and be polite (you can never go wrong with a smile) ask general questions like how are you, where are you from, do you have any family, what are your hobbies, what kind of music do you like...etc. and in return answer the person's questions. \n\nYou may not relate your deepest darkest secret but you can share general things, no one is going to condemn you for liking a particular band or the colour green.\n\nI've tried it and I think it works out pretty well, the key is to smile a lot ^^ (that way they can't tell if you're freaking out internally)\n\nsure it will be a tad bit uncomfy at first but as conversation progresses, you should naturally ease up and things should flow from there...\n\nGood luck for future endeavours ^^ I'm rootin' for ya!
273761
If he's not your boyfriend and you wouldn't feel comfortable going any further than you already have - TELL HIM, before you agree to go out again.  If you're honest with him from the outset, then at least he'll know where he stands with you and can make his own decision whether to pursue you as a sexual partner, to just remain friends or whether to fall away from your life.  You, too, will be able to feel confident that he understands what you (don't) want from your relationship with him.  \n\nHe might not like you (if he feels you led him to think he might get something back or considers you to be selfish) but he'll respect you for being honest.  From this base you could both agree a new direction for your relationship.\n\nKeeping quiet and getting anxious about what he might want of you, should you ever meet again, IS selfish and self-destructive. Selfish because you are not allowing him to know what you are thinking and to give his contribution in how your relationship proceeds.  Self-destructive because you are getting worried (stressed?) by excluding the one person with who you could resolve that anxiety.\n\nI guess what I'm trying to say is: no matter what kind of relationship you want to have with this guy, it'll be no kind of relationship if you don't communicate.\n\nBest wishes going forward
499026
I'm sorry, but it is clear to me that you have a self image problem.  You want him solely because you can't get him and you have dropped out of school because of him.\n\nYou are intelligent enough to realize the underlining problem.  Are you mature enough to act appropriately?\n\nIf he stayed with you, knowing how you feel, he would probably (human nature) take advantage of you and there is a very good possibility that he would sexually and physically abuse you.  This would further decrease your self image.\n\nSTOP NOW!\n\nIf you can not do it yourself, seek professional help.  This is not to belittle you.  I am impressed that you recognized the problem and am taking steps to seek help.\n\nWhat I did in a similiar situation was to recall something stupid that the person did and everytime I found myself thinking about that person I would force myself to recall the stupid things that person did.  After repeatedly laughing about the stupidity (we all do stupid things) of the person I found myself free of my self imposed connection to the person.\n\nI have since found a person that I truly love and who loves me.  The person respects me (and I respect myself) for whom I am.\n\nRemember everyone, no matter who they are, have good qualities.  You are a very special person.  No one else is exactly like you.  If you thought about it you would realize all that you contribute to the world through the people you know and those you don't realize you know.\n\nRemember the movie "While you were sleeping" with Sandra Bullock.  She was a ticket taker on the subway.  She convinced herself that she loved a man who did not know she existed, but in the end, she found her true love who loved her.\n\nBest of luck.