we moved back to the big city after living in a small town for 2yrs. since weve been back all he does is talk to his friends on his cell phone we have get togethers all the time. we found out his "friend" of 14+yrs had been buying my daughter and his niece alcohol and had kissed his niece. he admitted to those things. now the girls are saying he sexually assulted them.and of course we went to the police there is an investagation happening right now. the alcohol buying has been going on for at least a year. we suspected that he was and confronted him but he always denied it. now my husbend is acting like he dosent whant to be here with us we have 2 sons as well. but he is not supportive at all weve been married 10 years. and he still is talking to his "friend" the perp. i'm scared and do not have the resources for a lawyer. my sons love thier father to death and are starting to feel the tention in our home it is upsetting them.
134847
Yes!  Your first priority should be to your kids.  They aren't safe with your husband and you need to get them away now.  Call legal aid or see if you make payments to a lawyer.  Or see if in your state you can file on your own.  Make sure you have proof of whatever accusations you are going to bring up in court.  Document everything, it will help you later on.  Also depending on the ages of the kids, I would ask for supervised visitation due to him still talking to the perp.
45543
First of all, he is a grown up and you, even though you don't want to be, are still considered a child.  If he is doing what you are describing, it is illegal.  It has a variety of names, including sexual harassment, sexual abuse, child abuse, soliciting, corrupting the morals of a minor, abuse of power, etc.\n\nYou write as if you are a fairly intelligent girl, so you already know this is not right.  You have to tell someone, preferably your parents.  If that is not your best option, tell a counselor, a social worker, the principal, or the police, or maybe even all of those.  Know that things might get messy when everyone begins to find out what has been happening, but if he is doing this to you, he is probably also doing it to others.  So I suspect a number of people may already know, but like you, so far they are not doing anything about it.\n\nWhy do you have to tell?  You have to tell to stop it from happening to you and also to stop it from happening to others in the future.  You have to tell because it is the right thing to do.  You have to tell because if you don't, this will get worse, not better.  Do you have a younger sister or do you know younger girls?  Do you want it to happen to them?\n\nSome may say you brought this on yourself becsause of the clothes you wear, and while that may be partly correct, it still doesn't make it ok for him to do what he is doing.  He is supposed to know better, and is supposed to be mature and able to handle the sometimes not so smart things teenagers can do.\n\nNow girl, get some respect for yourself.  You say you don't mind some of the things he does.  YOU SHOULD MIND THE THINGS HE DOES.  HE IS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF YOU AND USING YOU.  The things he is doing should happen only between people who are equals and who both agree to them.  Whether you agree to them or not, you and he are not equals.  Whether you enjoy the feelings of some of them or not, it is still not right for him to do it.  He is in a position of power and authority over you.  He is doing something that could and should land him in jail.\n\nGet to someone as fast as you can and tell and stop this from happening.
241115
Anything you "do" is going to force her to defend him.  I know how frightening the situation is.  It could build in to full blown abuse. If this is what he does when drunk it will only get worse.  Sounds like you have already been through plenty with this relationship. It is so hard to stand by while our kids make big mistakes.  Been there done that! Just be there for emotional support, she will need you.
568847
First off, I hope this turns out okay for your daughter and family. I would do a couple things.  I would change all of the phone numbers to be unlisted and put the phone feature on the phones that traces calls.  If he calls and you don't want him doing it then you could press the *?? and  the phone co. trace the calls.  At least that would be proof from the phone company of all the calls.  Second, go to the police and press charges of stalking, harassment or whatever they will be willing to do and also file a restraining order against him and possible his older brother because he is driving.  If he breaks the RO then he could be arrested.  If all else fails, then go find a lawyer, prosecutor or victim advocate that might help your daughter out.\n\nI do have a question for you and maybe its something that you haven't thought about, but why hasn't someone done something about a 14 year old not being in school?  Even though he was kicked out, isn't he supposed to go to an alternative school or somewhere else?  That might be a starting point too.
423988
Most kids my age, I'm 17, I wouldn't trust alone for a few hours let alone an entire night.  Kids are quite disgusting and I remember back to when we were 14 was when things stopped being so innocent with most kids.  Some of the nicest, smartest and most responsible kids I know are the ones I have recently found out are quite irresponsible with their dating habits.  I was a bit shocked and hurt to hear some of their escapades from them.  \n       But I am quite proud of the fact that I can be trusted and my parents do trust me.  I know that you could leave me and my boyfriend in the same situation and nothing would go on.  \n\nSo it comes down to trust and responsibility...\nIs he like every other kid?  or is he an exception?  \n\nWhat is their relationship like?  Are they quite physical or no?  Have they been together for a while?  Are they thinking of being together for a while (and 14 is a bit young to be seriously thinking that... so much changes in just a few more years)?  What do her parents think?  They should be involved in this decision as well.  What are the other couple like?  A responsible parent should be concerned about them as well.  \n\nWhy do they want this sleepover?  Will they be alone at this house?  (hopefully not... if so I don't think their motives are pure)  If it is parentless... why can't they have it at your house?  You can promise to leave them be and have the peace of mind of knowing nothing is going on.  If they refuse some supervision I would throw out the idea.  They have to be willing to compromise if this is something they want to do and there are no hidden motives.  Even if it won't be a sex party... will it be a drinking/drugs party?  Kids were drinking before they were having sex.  Will they have access to a liquor cabinet?  Talk to the other parents.  \n\nIf he is as responsible as you believe him to be then he should recognize how much he is asking from you.  If he gets too upset about not going then he isn't that responsible.  \n\nBest Luck!  Put thought into it.  If you are terribly concerned then don't allow him.  Offer an alternative if you're cool like that.  Maybe check for some all-night bowling alleys or laser tag?  That's what we like to do after school dances.
380011
i am in the same boat. my exboyfriend still talks about his first wife about things she has done to him over 25-30 years ago. She emptied the house with all the furniture, and he came home after work to an emptied house. He has told me this story over and over again at least 1,000 to 2,000 in the past 6 years. Maybe it all about having an inflated ego.  He is so great he cannot imagine someone doing this to him.  I spent $3,000 to $5,000 on roses in  his front yard, and when he told me to leave his house, I pulled everyone up just to see how long he was going to talk about it or will he ever get over it. He still has it gotten over the roses being pulled up, and it is over 16 mos ago. Some people never let go.
125223
Well one thing is certain - you are going to have to get the hell out of there for your sake and the sake of your kids.  This guy sounds like he has the maturity of a seven year old, he is pure selfishness.  Sure he wants to go with other girls, but I bet he'll sit around drinking beer, playing with himself and watching TV.  You're better off without him.  You obviously have a lot of love to give, and you want love in return - you're NOT going to get where you are - so you have to face up to that and move on.
415895
I don't know what I can say that will help you but I can reassure you that you are not the only one. My ex disappeared for the first 6 yrs of my son's life and then reappeared acting like he was the best dad in the world. He constantly contradicts what I say (ex.: my son has dental sealants and can not have sticky candy because it will rip them off but he insists my dentist is a head job who doesn't know what she is talking about, he also tells him he doesn't have to listen to the stupid things I say, that my son doesn't have to be responsible for anything -he's 10, and so on). He also created a tape using one of his friend's to play for my son. The contents consisted of this impersonator telling my ex that I did not love my son, I did not want my son, my ex could keep my son, etc. My ex also has no problem with my son seeing pornographic materials lying about his household. My son told of this and more to a Children and Youth Services agent who told me even though what my ex was doing was inappropriate it was abuse. Now for the grand finale, I stopped my ex from seeing my son for 3 months because he informed me he moved back in with his child molesting mother whom my son was to have no contact with and while the investigation was taking place and I was trying to modify the custody arrangement. During this time he filed contempt charges against me, initially sending to the wrong address (one that didn't even exist) so I missed the first hearing. I later received a visit from a constable telling me if I didn't go to the next one I would be sentenced to jail. I had proof that he sent it to the wrong address before we had the hearing. At the hearing my ex couldn't decide where he was living or for what amount of time, stated I had denied him my son longer that occured, and brought forth info that his mother was recently forgiven for molesting her sons (my ex and his brother). The judge decided that he knew my ex had lied about the extended time but I was also in the wrong because I should have known (even though I lacked the resources to find out and frankly my ex should have informed me since he knew, I forgot we are still supposed to wipe their asses even after we are no longer together) that his mother was forgiven for her most heinous act and that he was no longer living with her. Never mind the fact that we had contact since I stopped letting him take him  and my ex could have mentioned it, never mind the fact that my ex couldn't even figure out where he was living, and never mind the fact that not once did I tell my ex he could not see him, that he could not take him, I WAS STILL IN THE WRONG. I was in the wrong for trying to protect my son. My fiance summed it up nicely, the courts are currently favoring the men. The court does not take the child's welfare into consideration just what they want as they are deciding.
331259
There is not much you can do for someone who is not willing to  help themselves.  You should be the one to drop off and pick up the kids.  SMART MOVE.  It is not a real good way to show parenting skills if he is a drunk.   I question is ability to take care of the kids?  Suggest AA or a treatment center in your area to help him regain his self confidence within himself.  It is better to help him out than to turn against him, if nothing else put for the kids sake.  Best wishes to you all
361990
You can't tell your daughter's father to stay out of her life, because this will create a lot of drama between the two of you! It seems to me that he doesn't want to take responsibilities for his actions and doesn't want to be involved in her life! I agree with you; not only is he hurting his daughter by not being there in her life, but he's hurting himself as well. What he's doing now will be full of deep regret later on in life! If he doesn't want to be in his daughter's life, let him continue to pay child support! Besides, as your daughter grows up in the years to come, she will learn more about her father and won't show any respect for him! Good luck to you and I wish you and your daughter the best!
473709
Oh my gosh......somewhere down the line......my exes must have mated! The first was a raging drunk and the second the porn king. I left my first and never downed him in front of my kids.........but as life goes on and they get older they will see the mother and father for what they truly are. If you care about your child You will not live with a drunk! Wait, and I hope you don't........until your child is standing with a phone in his hand as you scream, "Please call the Police." While daddy is holding your arm behind your back and hollering, "Do it I dare you, cause if u do i will crush her arm and then they will really have a reason to be here." I swear to you as I type this I am shaking remembering all those years ago. I can't tell you what to do...........but for your child's sake.....please....seek help....please don't ever let this happen to your child because I swear.........no matter how you try to cover it up..........they always remember and so will you.........and so far as the porn.......you will never ever get over feeling like your 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th..........100th best..I can't tell you there are no words I have for you that can tell you what you will have to go thru. Your man is the two men i was married to in one. I wish I could change the course of your life. I mean this from the bottom of my heart...seek help...and listen...learn...and don't become a victim. I'm almost 50 and refuse to date...because of what i have been throught. Don't make my mistake...care enough about you and your child to know that you  deserve better. Because the man who love so much right now will become you biggest nightmare....it a short few years.........please.......I know i sound crazy...but seek help, break the cycle before your child...starts a new one with someone else....
31060
Being a guy myself like cartes above me I would beat the crap out of the guy but I don't know what he's thinking you should never hurt your child no matter what they are doing. I would call the cops on the guy before she turns 18 and it's out of your hands but if you don't she will learn I'm a guy and I know how guys are. He's into drugs, alcohol, and he's divorced I wouldn't be surprised if he's cheating on your daughter eventually she'll find out and realize how stupid she was but that can be after he gets her into drugs, alcohol, and pregnant I would call the cops or get some one to kick his butt I live in new hampshire and I also have a place in los angeles if you want my help kicking his a**
205792
I know exactly what you are going through!  I've been married to an alcoholic for the past 23 years.  He has always worked and provided for us.  We have two children, one who is grown already(22) and a son who is 13.  You need to sit with him and have a heart to heart talk with him, when he is not drinking (that's very important).  He sounds like a good man with a problem, just like my husband.  If you continue to let this go, even though it's already affecting you, believe me, things will change and not for the better.  After so many years, our marriage has gone down the drain, he even left me for another woman for several months. (A woman that drank and partied with him, of course).  He's back home with me but it's never going to be the same, because he's still drinking even though he's detoxed several times now.  I wish you the best of luck.  And one more very important thing.  Make sure you have resources to take care of yourself and your children.  I was left without any, and I'm making sure this never, ever happens to me again.  I won't allow it.  Take charge of yourself, because if he doesn't change, it's not going to get easier.  Take it from a pro. If need be, look up an Al-Anon meeting in your area.  They are very good in making you realize ways you can help yourself.  If anything do this for your kids.  Even though they may be mentally challenged and he doesn't drink around them, doesn't mean it's not going to affect them.  They are still young, but they won't be for long.  And if this affects you, it will definitely affect them.  Children have a sense of when their mommy is not happy.  Believe me.
58628
I am so sorry to hear. It must be very difficult for you and your family. \nI hate to say this, but if my son had this many charges against him, I would have to let him deal with the consequences. Otherwise, the only thing he would learn is that "mom and dad (or one or the other) will bail me out." I've seen this happen to someone who I am very close to and she is on the verge on losing everything, including her mind, trying to keep her son from dealing with the responsibility of his actions. What happens when mom and/or dad are no longer there to bail him out? When does he start learning responsibility for his actions? Chances are that he will outlive you and if he doesn't learn now, then what happens to him? Not to mention the people he has harmed by committing these crimes. It is harsh, I know, and I'm sorry. I know this has to be extremely painful for you. \nHaving said that, if I were determined to try to help him, what I would do is contact an attorney for a consultation. Many atty's give initial consulations for free. I would contact Legal Services which is for people who cannot afford to hire an attorney and is usually located in the blue pages in your local phone book (if your phone book doesn't have blue pages, I mean the section for government phone numbers). I know in our area they have certain times each week you can call, speak to an atty and ask for legal advice, no charge. \nThe website is for a criminal defense lawyer in Lubbock. Don't know how close you are to him but his site says initial consultation is free.
409080
You should not blame yourself for this. The guy sounds like a jerk to me. I have not really had the best relationships with guys either, so I understand how you are feeling. My situations were not exactly like yours, but I still get how you are feeling. The only thing I can give you for advise is that if he is not "man" enough to keep a relationship with your daughter, then it will be him that loses out on a great little girl. As for dealing with her... I can only say I would try to have as little communication with HER as possible. If your daughter goes to visit him, make sure that you are talking with him to make the arrangements. If you feel that you two "are not suppose to be together" I think that you should make that crystal clear to him, there is nothing harder than letting him think that there is something between you when you in reality have no feelings for him. It will only make things more difficult for you in the long run. Another little tip is to keep someone in your life that you feel like you can always turn to for advise either a close friend or family member (this always helps me and plus you get a second opinion for free). I hope that this little bit helped :-)
142356
My heart goes out to you. I unfortunately have learned to live with the same type situation. Your daughter in law is probably suffering from low self esteem among other things and is probably really making things hard for your son as well. I have discovered that the sweet girl that I thought would be prefect for my son is the terror I hoped he would never have to deal with.  My daughter in law not only tries to manipulate my sons family life, but his work and social life as well. More than likely your son is going through the same thing. I dont recommend apologizing for things you didnt do though. She will try to manipulate you and your son forever, all we do is bite our tongues and let our son know that we love him, no matter what. We just pray one day he will take the upper hand and let her know that it is not OK to treat his family like she does.  (She also withholds our 3yr old granddaughter from us). Good luck to you, I know how painful this situation is.
270491
been there husband was the same way...I was 15 when we were together and I slept with his best friend...we went our separate ways for about 10 years got back together and did not trust me at all..I was only 15 and he kept bringing it up 17 years later. He would get really upset if I wanted to go out with my friends, and alcohol was like poison to him he would always go back into the past about all the bullshit and he would start fights over the stupidist things...any way to make a long story short I divorced him in january