what effect does it have in the mind, and how do you recover from a bad relationship
136633
I will guess the last part is the significant part of the question.  A bad relatioship is treated in the brain the same as trauma, but has an added component of self-doubt and feeling of inadequacy and self-loathing.  So, the major negative components emotionally are depression, which is an inhibition of various neuronal areas (it isnt particularly well understood).  Rest assured, if you are feeling emotionally devastated, it has a biochemical reason-just because thoughts and emotions are variable and somewhat controllable doesnt make them non-chemical.  For any depressing event, there are a few things that help to bring your brain chemistry back in order (or, in other words, make you feel better).  Social interaction is extremely important, as this is the primary way humans and other social animals deal with stress and loss- you dont even have to necessarily talk about the breakup or terrible things that happened, just being accepted and loved and interacting is important.  Get a lot of exercise-wear yourself out.  This is a very powerful treatment for depression and anger, and helps to calm your mind.  If you can, exert control on where your thoughts go-cognitive therapy doesnt have to be directed from outside.  When you start to notice your thoughts going in a bad direction, find ways to redirect it, to see the thing that is hurting you in a different light- This is the great therapautic angle of philosophy and religion...when you feel battered and abused, you may think that there is a higher reason you are being put through this, and it is a better way to think-or you may think of the horrors that others have lived through, so you can be objective about your own trials (without dismissing them).  You may realize the truism that we grow most, in intellect, wisdom, and strength, by being put through emotional pain, because it forces us to introspect, to come to grips with situations, and to learn ourselves...None of these things will cure you overnight, but they are all helpful and will speed your return to balance.  All of us have endured things, done things, that later we could not beleive, and later felt anger and guilt for-it is part of the human condition...not that it makes your own personal pain any less, but at least you most of us have been there.   I really hope this helps-good luck.
48162
I am sorry to hear that. The same thing happened to me a long with physical and mental abuse. \n\nI sought counseling and I am well again. Not everyone is bad and not eveyrone will treat you like crap. \n\nHave you explained the situation to your partner?\nthat helps as well , believe me.
503846
i kicked my ex out after taking to much of his controlling ways, lies and unreasonable behaviour in hope he would realise his mistakes, he acted differently for a few weeks, i took him back to discover one week after the split he jumped in bed with a nasty druggie who lived on the next street for two weeks +. we stayed together after that for almost a year but things were never the same, i wasn't turned on by him anymore as i saw him as 'dirty' which made me feel unclean. we have now permanently broke up and i can't wait to get a nice healthy sex life back on track with next man!
174508
What goes around comes around but we are not responsible for bringing it back around, that will only cause us to loose our spirit and balance.  Their cheating is not worth our loss of spirit.  What is inside us is all important.  This man will suffer in the next life.  Let go.  Nurture your pain by taking an art class, planting orchids, mediatating to beautiful music.  You matter and the evil in the world won't go away, it is an integral part of it.  You only separate yourself from it by being strong, separate in your mind of it, and remaining compassionate.
556450
Well, this is kinda hard, but there is hope. I had a similar problem. I didn't used to know how to deal with my anger. I hid it and covered it and blew up at stupid times, until finally I did something I really regret. My gf hit me so I hit her back, and I went to jail. She could have left me, I deserved it, but she stuck by me. She helped me turn my life around and now we are happily married with a beautiful baby boy, 4 months old. we've been together for 5 years, married for 3, and it's great. But it wouldn't have been if I didn't go to counseling and get the help I needed (that took some time to realize too, over a year of meetings once a week for a few hours in group therapy), and if she wasn't strong enough emotionally to deal with it. We've proved our love over time, and we've never been happier. So stick in there IF he's willing to fix how he handles his emotions (anger is a motion, just like happiness or sadness, etc). The number one ingredient that has made the long term difference in all our problems/challenges, is having God at the center of our life. Without him, we both have been too weak at times, and would have fallen apart. With him, our love will never fail!
229646
hey sweety,i know how u feeling.. how to move on? think about yourself! u deserve so much joy, ur killing yourself with the anxiety. fight it, keep that friend connection. grow as an individual, improve n develop yourself in the mean time. sounds to me like u will get back together!! wake up each morning n look in the mirror tell yourself that ur the best thing on the planet, dance n hear James Brown wen u walking.. Aaah, feel goood!!!\n\neven if things arent the way u want them, so wat? live life the fullest n enjoy yourself each moment. stop pinning away, be optimistic about yo ex- u will get him back!! relationship issues need time, be patient n it will come to u!! maybe your differences are being worked out by the space n at the same time look yummy for him (eat yo heart out, dude!!) n any other guy out there. u never know..Morris Chestnut, or Brad Pitt (ha!!) maybe watching!!!\n\nlove yourself to death, ur beautiful, talented n he thinkin of u twice as much! why else wud he keep in touch all this while?don feel sorry or wrong, u were right to discontinue yo relationship-u did say twas inevitable, ain it? so enjoy life girl!!\n\nu can do it!!! don u know u unstoppable girl??!!! hey- u got a cute smile..do that often!! smile, i mean!!
525016
When I was 16 (I'm 19 now) I was madly in love with a guy from school. He broke my heart, and I was so devestated. I was insanely depressed for 3 weeks and after 2 months appeared happy but I was still so miserable inside. I was obsessed. I couldn't stop thinking about him for even a SECOND. I spent a year of my life with him on my mind, 24/7. Sometimes I'd wake up in the night and not be able to go back to sleep because his memory was so painful and I couldn't get him off my mind. Even when the pain of losing him was gone a few months later, I still felt anger about the situation.\n\nYou want to know when everything disapeared? 2 1/2 years later while at work, I looked to my right and the most gorgeous guy walked in the room. At that moment, my ex's memory disapeared. My mind returned to normal. I fell in love again.\n\nUntil something of that nature happens to you, start going out with friends. Surround yourself with people. Keep yourself busy AT ALL times. TRY to not think about her (even though I know how impossible it can be). Eventually, time will heal your pain.
299251
I have been almost in the same predicument as you, but my husband cheated on me first after 18 years of marriage. We have two children and not only did this effect me, it also had a great impact on the children as well. I did kick him out of the house and after a couple of weeks he realized that he wanted me back and to have life back to normal. Well that does not happen over night. The trust was gone, I was insecure with my self and felt that things could never be the same again. We remained living in the same house, seperate rooms, and trying to mend what happened, then he got into a bad accident as well. The accident was so bad that after leaving the hospital after 6 weeks, I had to nurture and nurse him everyday for the next year. After a complete year of this I cheated on him. I believe that I did this to fullfill the hurt,anxiety,and the insecurity I had about my self. He found out the same way by tapping the phone of reason's of suspition and confronted me. I did tell him the truth about everything. At that time I also said to him "How does it feel to have it happen to you, now we are even". Well set aside Love does hurt, and we all can be cruel either mentally or physically. We react weird to these typs of circumstances. But happy to say it has now been 7 years after this has all happened, and our love never died, it took a great deal of time for the trust factor to regain itself. I'm not saying that the trust will fully every be regained, but as your relationship heals and your thoughts and feeling are open and honest with each other this is a start. Marriage to me now is more important than I ever realized, I want to grow old together. Everyone is differant but place value on your love and family, and take baby steps. If all else fells and things can't be reconciled then be good friends for your children and yourselves. Good Luck. Good things take time.
43986
Without more information, it would be difficult for me to say. \n\nIn my own personal experience, I've noticed that the more trauma a relationship survives, the stronger it becomes. As long as the two people are strong enough to forgive eachother and move on. Sometimes minor hang-ups turn into major problems when someone won't let go of their anger.\n\nI'm not the type to encourage people to "dump him, you deserve better" If you found someone who you can love, and loves you, problems are worth working out. \n\nIt sounds like what you need now is to define the boundries of your relationship. What kind of needs does he have? What about your own? What are you both willing to offer eachother?\n\nHas he grown from his mistakes, or is he regrouping to make more mistakes? Get him to start talking, and be prepared to repair the damage or cut your losses and move on.
375870
Its tempting to go back to your ex for consolation.  Especially since he's known you so well.  But its not worth the hassles.  When i have such an urge, i like to sit back in my room and distinctly plan on how to solve my problem - in a constructive and POSITIVE manner.  Chart out practial steps to solve your problem and follow it step by step.  It is quite empowering.  Dont get frustrated between steps.  everything is a process.  If you do need someone to talk to, slowly take someone into confidence.  its hard to find one person that you like to tell everything to.  you could share some things iwth a friend and some things with another friend - whoever you think will understand.  But its important not to dwell in your problems cos it will just make it seem worse than it really is.  Remember that nothing is really as bad as it seems.  its really that simple.  understand that first.
250515
i know it hurts right now. a lot. there's probably nothing anyone can say that will make the pain go away completely. just ease the pain by spending time with friends and family, who will give you support and get your mind off the situation for a little while.\n\nremember that sometimes people are in your life for a short time, for you to learn from them or for you to teach them something. and then they're just gone.\n\nsometimes the best relationships don't work out for one reason or another, but there are so many bright stars in the sky!\n\nkeep your memories! the good ones are yours to treasure forever. the bad ones are yours too, to learn from! sometimes relationships are just stepping stones to get us to where we are meant to be in the future.\n\nkeep smiling! i know it's hard. but soon you will begin to be able to laugh again and you'll be okay!
265234
This works for me:\nI go to a quiet place and I analyze why they upset me. (For this you must be true to yourself or it won't work).\n\nWhen I know why, I decide if I wish to continue the relationship or not.\n\nIf I wish to continue - I determine if there is something I need to do.  It may be to talk calmly to them or to ignore the situation.\n\nHowever most times when people affect me physically as you feel, I cut them out of my life all together.  The situation never gets better and I just get sicker.  Cutting them out always works for me.\n\nGood luck and feel better.
304062
yeh, it's possible. and you can try counseling. i fell out of love. and i don't think it's gonna work for me.
179964
Just take things one day at a time, and remember that if you were meant to be with him, you will be eventually.  Take some time to mourn the loss of the relationship; give yourself an hour or two on days that you feel you need it, to turn on sad music, look at old pictures, and cry.  Then drop it, and do something for yourself.  I've had times when I thought the world was ending because of the end of a relationship.  I didn't know how I'd make it.  Eventually after going through this a few times, I realized that I can recover from anything.  So can you.
450261
Here's the thing. When you fall in love with someone, there is no getting rid of them or forgetting them.  They will always be there in your head.  Now yes you do get over the fact that it hurts eventually, but you never forget them.  Love is that special thing that when you share it with someone it essentially is always there.  \n\nNow i know that everyone will tell you things like: relax, just get over it, take a bath, read a book, or go to God.  More or less you just have to figure it out on your own regardless of what people will say here.  Because dealing with heartache, its a natural part of life, its the bad side effect of love. But if i was to offer my best advice, i would say that you should chalk it up to experience.  Count it as a learning experience, so every time you start to think about him just think about what you learned from the situation, how it will make you a stronger person, and how it will help you in the future.  Love is a big part of everyone's life, and it shouldn't be forgotten, even when its bad.  Best of luck in your hard times...
274227
well its like this, i understand what you are saying because the guy that im with when we are on bad terms ans not speaking, i cant get him off of my mind, we've even broken up before, and that was so hard and painful, but i do know how to get someone off of your mind, meet someone else, its hard though because that how i met him, my last b/f and i stayed on bad terms, and he stayed mad with me and not speaking to me plus we worked together, so i got tired of this happening alot so i met this one that im with now, and dont have a feeling the first for the last one, but you just have to meet someone else..
159203
I don't know of anybody who didn't feel horrible after breaking up. A bond between two human beings is a valuable, special, particularly fragile link. Why not remember the good times you both had? Here's something else to keep in mind: there was probably a reason you both broke up. Was it something you needed to do? There may be a valid reason. And above all: these things take time. You can't expect to jump out of bed the next morning singing and dancing, but it's also equally unhealthy to obsess all the time your ex-boyfriend and your ended relationship. "If the problem persists, it may be necessary to seek professional help," we hear that all the time, but if the problem lasts longer than you think it should, it's probably a good idea to talk to a psychiatrist. ( A female psychiatrist would more likely have experienced what you're going through.)To occupy your time, you could go out with your friends, donate time to a charity, express your feelings through art or writing... however, and I am not trying to disrespect your feelings by any means, you seem a bit young to be dating. Enjoy life.  You'll have the rest of your life to worry about men and boyfriends. You're young, so why not not spend valuable time, instead of thinking of boys, learn to better yourself? Learn to speak German; learn Karate. You'll empower yourself and your self-esteem will rise. I personally wish you the best of luck.