My wife has BPD and is in angry 95% of the time. We have gone to hours of counseling, mentoring. . . She will not admit she has a problem it's always someone elses fault. I am currently reading "I hate you dont leave me" I have been dealing with this for 3.5 years and don't know how much longer I can deal with it.
126292
you shouldnt..may god have mercy on you
231427
I agree with your conditions and had the same in my marriage it lasted 28yrs. He cheated 3yrs in and I forgave him by the time we had been together 15yrs he was an alcoholic and I sttod by him and tried desperately to get him to go for help. Then 7 months ago he came in pissed and hit me.....end of the 28yr marriage!!!!! Haven't seen him since. Stick to your conditions.
80199
It is so odd to see how easily dysfunctional behavior and lack of conjugal dialogue can eventually lead to divorce procedures, yet only the very act of divorce itself can hammer home the agonizing emotional consequences!   Sort of like, it's all a GAME up until the moment that you actually have to sign the divorce papers.   Then it hits people like a ton of bricks - OMG what the heck have I done!   Many times a divorce is an utter letdown, and people cry, not because they lost a loving partner, but because they think they are a failure (i.e. they are besieged by a bruised ego and feeling of self-pity).   Perhaps, if they weren't in it with their huge egos to begin with, minor incompatibilities would not have culminated in a divorce.     In all, I agree with other people’s observations here, the time for simple reconciliation and baby-sitting of ephemeral sentiments has long passed.    Now is the time for individual reflections and healing – a time to move on and look to an emotionally less-codependent and otherwise healthier future.    Your ex should learn to seek psychological comfort in his own strength of character as opposed to compromising you even further by trying to find refuge in your recovering emotional state.       I’m assuming that you are not a trained mental health professional (e.g. a psychiatrist, a psychoanalyst, etc.) but even if you were you are simply too personally involved in this case to maintain your objectivity in helping your ex.    What you could do, however, in case he is suffering from anything more serious than a simple case of the “blues” is to suggest that he seeks professional help.     As it is, no doubt, you yourself have a lot of healing to as well.     Think positive, keep busy, mediate about what got you here and where you wanna go, and map out an attainable future goal in as much detail as you possibly can – then go for it and NEVER look back again.   Remember, future is the only thing that you might be able to influence and shape into your own design.     Good Luck!
639553
If you think your wife has bpd and she refuses to get diagnosed or help, it might be time for you to follow through on the divorce this time around.  She is not helping your current situation and is dragging you down further.  \n\nI would also explain the financial situation to the kids and let them know that "frills" are no longer feasible...that money needs to go strictly for what is really needed.  Usually, if kids know the situation, they are more understanding of being denied money for every little thing.  If you plan to get custody of the kids, plan a budget then sit down and show them where all the money is going.  When they can picture it in black and white, they will understand it more.\n\nGood luck!  I hope you finally find some peace from worry, from money issues and from your marriage.\n\nP.S.  If your company offers free counseling, you might want to make an appointment just to have a way to help with the stress.  Just talking to someone neutral can really help!
155717
people with borderline personality disorder can be very scary. they take on the feelings of others and are pretty much out of touch with their own bodies. i work with them and they can be the sweetest at times and then they can be the scariest, mouthiest people ever. i myself have also went to anger management and it really didnt do much for me. i was 17 and i thought that the world revolved around me and it wasnt until i was 21 did i realize that the way that i was acting was foolish and thta i could really hurt someone. so i really dont think that is effective. you have to find it within yourself and really see that what you are doing is dumb. and with the fact that he has borderline personality he probably wont find that. i think that you are putting yourself in real danger and i hope that there are no children involved in this. if there is i would ask you to please get them out of there!
410065
My heart goes out to you and your family. I've been married to the same wonderful man for thirty-one years. Twice prior to my knowing him he tried to kill himself. Since we have been together he has made 4 more attempts on his life. I don't know where you are from but most places have mental health assocations. They can help you to understand medications, patiants rights. For my husband I am his health care rep. when he can't speak-up for himself I have the legal right to do this . I got him to give me power of attorney so I can deal with his disabilty money and all the red tape that goes along with it. Your Mom's illness if she does have Bi-polar suicide is attempts can be a part of her illness. It is a long hard road and you need to seek help yourself so you can stay healthy enough to be an assistance in getting her the help she needs. There are support groups for families going thru what we both are. When my husband gets what I call imbalanced with his medicine it takes me giving him his meds. because he gets confused about days and times to take them. As we both turn 50 this year it seems like second nature to us to deal with his illness. His last attempt to take his life was last November. He was missing for 2days before he was found in a coma in our truck at a reststop we use to stop at a lot. It was very sad, I still am seeing a counslor myself to deal with learning who I am outside of his illness. Be careful not to become so involed you stop living like I have at times
335529
Rather normal marriage I would say.  Did you ever understand that it takes two to fight.  Have you ever thought about just listening to her and keeping your mouth shut.  I don't mean leaving either I mean stay right there and listen and be quiet and when you do talk do not speak in anger.  Is your pride so big you can't let someone have their time of anger.  We all get angry at times.  She should do the same for you hut I am writing to you not her.  I live with a woman that really gets angry and stays that way sometimes days.  I could really have some knock down drag out fights in this house.  I don't and won't.  I keep my mouth shut nd keep some distance between us but don't leave the house.  Yes it angers me but I also know she is angry and out of anger many things are said that at the time are ment and later are regrettedd..Most of the time she gets over it in a couple of hours but once in a while it does last two to three days.  Now she has learned from me that it works and now when I get angry and i do she keeps quiet most of the time but still has to put in a coment here and there that is like knife bladws.  She is getting better as time goes by though.  One thing for sure is that I never get really angry at just her.  Most of the time it is due to someone olse interfeering in her life.  \n     Just try to keep your cool and try to listen to what she has to say.  An all day fight is dangerous to both of you.
357303
She may not have done anything - that is often the case and sometimes we never will know - but all you can do is listen, offer comfort and encourage her to be honest with who she is and what she can do to strengthen her traits - his issues are his not hers.  Like any loss it will take time, but give it only the time it takes and then move forward and each time it resurfaces, give it only the time it needs and then go forward - it's a continual process.  In counseling after divorce I was told that for every year I was married to my husband it would take about two to overcome - it was pretty accurate - but each time I had to really go through the grief process it was faster and faster until eventually I don't grieve now at all.
530319
Really your not fighting, your probably just bickering. Its like adult going pains especially if you just moved in together. My fiance and I were the same way. I even gave my ring back!!! but we went to a communication specialist (couples therapist) and learned some tricks to communicating. I know its hard and you start thinking that things won't work out, but if you are truly meant to be, you'll be OK.  We had all the same issues you mentioned.Try this, sit and talk it out, if one of you is a blabber use a 5 min timer so you don't get off track of the topic at hand. Don't allow yourselves to deviate off topic nothing gets solved that way. Each of you should list your gripes with each other and go through the list,pick a time where you can really talk( no TV, no phones).  It will take a few tries before you can get through it with out yelling. No name calling and no blameing, start sentences like "going foward  blah blah blah"Cleaning? write up all the chores that need to get done and you together, divvy them up, then once chores are committed to on paper, its a non issue. The hard thing is  understanding that you don't get everything you want anymore it's all about 50/50( which sucks sometimes, but that's life) And there is no shame in meeting with somebody once a week if that's what you guys need, its not easy, it's one of the most stressful times in  your life. In some cases your insurance will cover it under adult therapy or under the the wide range of depression (even though its not,they just bill it that way and its legit because the situation makes you sad and stressed, don't feel labeled as depressed). Best of luck to you both
249423
I definitely would continue to pursue therapy.\nmake sure that while you in therapy that you \nget to the root cause of what made you this way\ni have found out for myself when you get down to \nthe root cause of any problem and deal with it\nhealing can begin.  I bid you Gods best\non the issue of your wife taking you back , I would\nallow time to tell where this is going.\nI personally believe however that God can turn things\naround if we trust him .
212264
Yes, as a survivor myself I can tell you that it does indeed help, but she has to be ready to admit that she was abused and it's not ok that it was done to her, but it wasn't her fault. Also she needs to be open to the idea that these surrounding issues that she is having may be related. I found that the more I talked about my rape, the less it bothered me to talk about it, and soon after, the nightmares went away, I was able to go out alone again, etc. Time doesn't heal ALL wounds, some wounds need to heal from the inside out, and that takes help, love and support. Thank god for my husband. You are a good man, don't give up on her, she needs you more than ever right now, it may be frustrating at times, but get her into therapy and get yourself into a support group. beg her every day if you have to, just tell her it's because you love her and you WON"T let this ruin your marriage. good luck!!
673032
My mother described suffering an affair like losing a loved one in death.   Really painful.  You have to morn and greive over the experience, but at some point (for your own sake) you have to let go or hatred and anger will eat you up inside and change you into a different person.  And no one, not even your husband of 9 years should have that kind of power over you.
485773
These people can be very, very needy. One minute, you're their world, their best friend, the next, you're their worst enemy. People with this disorder are hard to get along with, they need constant attention and if they don't get it, they will turn against you.\n\nEx. of what they might do - they might call you 20 times in one night to chat and if you try to tell them at 4am that you're tired and want to sleep, it'll be the end of the world for them, they'll feel like you hate them and want nothing to do with them.\n\nThese individuals are frienship extremists.\n\nI suggest reading up on this disorder in the DSM-IV.\n\nSweet's answer is right. \n\nPS multiple personality disorder (now known as dissociate identity disorder) and bipolar disorder are NOT the same thing as borderline personality disorder!!!!!!!!!!
603750
I am going through the same exact thing right now.  I kid you not, the whole age thing is a brutal killer.  Either they will learn to accept it with time, or what happened to me is I tried to burry it and move on as well as she, and it only works to a point.  I think this is one of those things which has to come with time.  It has been one of the hardest things for me to go through, and I hate it, and it has been over a year for me that this has been going on.   I wish you good luck with this.  Brando
224303
I know nothing of marriage problems, but my mother and I were physically and emotionally abused by her spouses.  She is still married to the one who has only caused her mental anguish.  I never liked him, because he abused me physically for fifteen years and I was afraid of him and no one did anything about it until I was about 17.  I have suffered manic depression for many years and I am probably borderline bipolar, but more than anything I am depressed a lot of the time, but I have found out through life's experiences that depression is something that everybody goes through.  It's the way we all handle it that seperates us all.  Therapists are all full of shit and know nothing of how to deal with it.  They tell you so many different things that end up just confusing the shit out of you.  The best way to deal with it all in my experiences is to take what life gives me and just smile and say, "I'm a damn good person and I don't have to take it."  I just keep on going.  My confidence came through when I took an acting class at Tulsa Community College in Tulsa, Oklahoma.  It was the best thing I have ever done.  It literally changed my life, because it was something that I enjoyed.  So, find a hobby or do something that you enjoy.  Find happiness through yourself.  Don't look to therapists.  Find something you enjoy doing and are good at and then you will find happiness.  You're better off not being married, in my opinion.  You'll find the one you're looking for someday, but you need to find yourself before you can find anything or anyone else.  Be true to yourself and you will be happy.  Meds are not always the answer.  They just screw with you.  Like "And Then" said, take a break from everything.  Pack a bag and get the hell out of Dodge.  Good luck and Best Wishes,\n\nJeremiah Douglas Ruddle\na.k.a.\nJ.D. King
467221
You can't change people.  You can try and change yourself first.    I would try and seek counseling?  It seems to me that you are at your rites end.  You do love her but for what? Some times  the heart grows fonder, if you are away?  Maybe that your wife suffers from some sort of depression?  I am sorry to hear this.  I wish you the best.
105032
coming from a woman point of view that has been where your wife is,"yes the same reasons get tiresome to the ear and heart,we have to leave with the kids somewhere safe until everything dies down and you calm down from being so angry! when we go as far as a restrain order,trust me it's not because we don't love you it's because were afraid,and we do what we can to protect the children as well as ourselves. I'm not upholding you for your wrong doing,yes you need time to get yourself together and give her time to regroup,and maybe she'll forgive you,but remember time brings about a change!get yourself together keep your hands to yourself,stay in counseling and let GOD work on you too!I am a firm believer that she hasn't thrown away 13 years overnight with kids.I pray that it works out between the both of you,but she has the say,now she's in con troll!! good luck "T"