We had brunch. Sean paid. Now we both see an attractive, well dressed man. It's the Devil and he says I have to go to H*ll with him. Sean's all out of hot buttered weasel, he used it to distract the scottish terriers, how can he save me now? And why does the Devil want me anyway?
138633
With cold cream! The devil doesn't want you in particular, he is trying to get Sean and he can't stand it when Sean is with another woman!
566573
OK, I got the drinks and the DVD. I want only a few slices of the supreme pizza, and did you order garlic bread like I asked? what, you didn't? Damn, its all ruined now!!! I can't believe you didn't order GARLIC BREAD!\n\nNo, no apologies accepted. I'm going home!!
618845
He's certainly not a gentleman, do you really want to lower your standards? i don't think so or you wouldn't have asked this question, so you already know he's a waster. This is a sign of thngs to come. A little walk in the sun "now", you making his tea and taking it to him every day for the "rest of your life". Don't waste your time on this loser. I hate modern day blokes, they're so CRAP. Makes it hard for decent blokes like me, ones with manners and etiquette, (yes we still exist),  because decent women won't give us the time of day as they think we are being pleasant for alternative motives. My little rant over lol, seriously, stick to your own standards and meet someone who is worth it. Don't waste your time on this guy!
651133
you are sprung.  you wrote, " but i know he's not right for me. he lies alot. but i cant help it."  so he's hot?  so he's 'the ladies man? sure.  what the f ever.  i've seen this 1000 times.  i've been there 100 times.  and you have to get the f over this man.  he's a bad boy for life and you'll be another trophey on his shelf.  just another story to tell at the bar before he picks up his next one.  if you are smart enough to connect to the internet, you are smart enough to get over this man.   if you do him/it once, you'll no longer be his object to be desired.  you'll be his object conquered..  stay a mystery.  it's so much more fun to smile at him and make him wonder, than to blush and make him proud.
317661
John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of my life, between the legs of my wife!"\n\nThat won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!\n\nHe went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night"\n\nShe said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"\n\nJohn said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."\n\n"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.\n\nThe next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."\n\nShe said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised meself. You know,he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come ."
546201
Wednesday is cattle market day in teuchter land he's probably selling his wife or going to buy one....scot_lad was that you asking fudgie out on a date there ya shirt lifter
545975
The bride walked down the aisle of the church toward her awaiting groom.\nPlease cancel my last order.\nThe student asked the math teacher for tutoring, as she could not figure it out.\nMany fossils are thousands of years old.\nThe large, barking dog really freaked me out.\nElton John is a gay man.\nI got this straight from the source.\nThe seeds were interspersed with the fertilizer.\nHer drink order was Patron silver tequila straight up and neat.\nWhen I win the lottery and become independently wealthy, I will quit my job.\nThey traveled to a secluded little cabin for their honeymoon.\nThe tire tracks of the truck were a very big clue in the murder case.\nPlease do not type all in caps, as it is presumed that you intend to yell.
316369
Someone called Bart Simpson asked whether god could make a burrito so hot that he couldn't eat it; that was kinda fun.\n\nBut I love all of jim_darwin's questions!  \n\n(Does this make me a troll, too? or perhaps a troll groupie?)
577018
Hi, I'm John Doe. Are you with someone?  No? That's great <GRIN> coz I think you're really hot!  Can I buy you a drink?
398468
There,s life in the old dog yet fidgety!\nAn old retired Colonel was invited to a reunion dinner and halfway through the proceedings he rang his wife.\n"Agnes,this reunion is turning out more than I bargained for.They've got naked girls dancing on the tables and then giving their favours to anyone who's interested. What do you think I should do?"\nShe replied,"If you think you can do anything you'd better get home straight away."
240478
Yes we poms are defnitely not the world's  most efficient people.  Time for Tony to go : I can't stand much more of that silly grin - what's he on : chocolate whisky or vanilla gin?
533033
how about saying....  i am sorry if i embarressed you friday...  i normally do not get that drunk and behave that way..  Hope we are still ok????   or\n\nsend him a questionaire (this worked for me once after a date which i didnt hear from him in about 4 days)  \n\nDear_______\nplease respond to the following survey ASAP\n\n1...  Had a wonderful time, not casey behaved like a true lady\n\n2...  Had a horrible time never want to see not casey again\n\n3...  Had a date Friday???\n\n4... Not casey appeared to have gotten a little drunk, would like to see her again though if she promises to behave\n\n5....  Friday was_(please fill in the blank)_____________________________________
10516
I think he must be hanging out with my ex-boyfriend because he did the same thing. Only problem ... I let him get away with it for longer than I'm willing to admit. Girl, I'm sure you are so sweet, smart and better than him. Just move on. I know I should take my own advice at times.. lol. This guy is doing one of two things or two of two things. He's either 1. Terribly immature and doesn't want to appear "whipped" in front of his buddies - AKA "Bro's before Ho's theory...or 2. Cheating and trying to keep you at the same time. AKA- having his cake and eating it, too. Either way, pls dump him,go out this weekend and forget about his immature, childish, sick, evil ass. Boys like him deserve to wake up with nothing but themselves,cheap beer and their dumb buddies drooling on them.
449075
I hate to tell you this Peanut, but he wants to get into your pants.\n\nBTW, did you know that there is another Peanut right here on Answers? I am appalled!
219033
"I need a man who is striving for perfection in every aspect of life. \n\nI am looking for someone who is striving for perfection mentally because I need conversation and mental stimulation. I don't need a simple-minded man.\n\nI am looking for someone who is striving for perfection spiritually because I don't need to be unequally yoked... believers mixed with unbelievers is a recipe for disaster.\n\nI need a man who is striving for perfection financially because I don't need a financial burden.\n\nI am looking for someone who is sensitive enough to understand what I go through as a woman, but strong enough to keep me grounded.\n\nI am looking for someone who I can respect. In order to be submissive, I must respect him. I cannot be submissive to a man who isn't taking care of his business. I have no problem being submissive... he just has to be worthy. God made woman to be a help-mate for man. I can't help a man if he can't help himself."\n\nThis was in an e-mail that I recieved. I think it pretty much sums it up for me.
636084
I have quite a few bad date stories.  But the one that takes the cake was the first guy I dated after my divorce 3 years ago.  I decided to be proactive and try the online dating format.  I corresponded with this guy for about a week and he asked me out.  I had not seen a photo (bad move on my part) but agreed to dinner. When I called him to confirm our date I got this really odd voice mail message that made reference to some obscure bible passage.  Now, please understand that I'm not what you would call religious.  My profile clearly referenced my musical tastes and what you would call "new age" interests  While I thought the voicemail thing a bit odd, I tried to maintain a positive attitude so we set up a time for us to go out.  The next night he picked me up at a friend's house and showed up in a mini-van.  Immediately, my reaction was "omg, this is not good".  I walked out to meet him at his vehicle and the inside looked like he lived in it...fast food remnants, sporting goods, etc.I knew this was no love connection but I tried to be a good sport and at least make it through dinner.  We went to a local restaurant where he started to spout off his very fundamentalist religious rhetoric.  He told me that "the government" has already developed "mobile execution stations", I think he meant that these are like the emissons testing vehicles but more sinister.  Basically he said that the end of the world is coming and people who refuse to have a bar code/mark of the beast would be executed.  He leaned into me and serious as a heart attack says "so, what are you going to do on judgement day?  Are you going to take the mark of the beast?" Needless to say "mark of the beast" is looking more appealing by the moment.  At this point, I'm thinking that this date can't get worse...but low and behold it got much worse.  There was a large group of people adjacent to us at this restaurant and were obviously celebrating a child's birthday.  There were helium balloons all over their table.  My date summons the waitress with whom he had been relentlessly flirting with and says "can I ask you a favor"?  Immediately I put two and two together and started praying "god please don't let him do what I think he is about to do"!  You guessed it...he procured a balloon and managed to suck helium and do his best Alvin and the Chipmunks impression.  I started inhaling my dinner in the hopes of getting out of there ASAP.  He managed to get the attention of the entire restaurant and then asked me out again for the next night.  I told him my to take me home and politely declined further dates.  After this fiasco I realized that dating takes a lot or work and a lot of humor.  I started giving my dates silly little nicknames.  This guy was affectionately called "Jesus Boy" by me and my friends.  This was one of many frogs I had to kiss.  Some of the others were "college professor guy whose kitchen looked like a nuclear waste dump",  "Yoga instructor that looked like Yoda" and "transvestite dude" (you figure that one out)! and countless other potential suitors.  I'm happy to say that I finally did manage to find a great guy and we both like to laugh about my very laughable dating exploits!
413035
I woulde tell the following joke and hope the punch line was understood:\nA famous English tea taster, believing he had tasted every tea known to man, decided to retire. At his retirement party, someone mentioned a tea made from the hair of a koala bear and only available in a small town called Mercy in the Australian Outback.\nWell, because he hadn't tried this tea, the tea taster postponed his retirement and set off for Australia. After his British Airways flight landed in Sydney, he switched to Qantas for a flight to Alice Springs then to a bus which took him to Mercy, deep in the Outback.\nWalking along the only street in Mercy, he found a small bar, went inside, sat down at the counter and asked the barman if he could have a cup of the famous tea made from the hair of a koala bear.\nThe barman went back to the kitchen an a few minutes later returned with a cup of the tea. The English tea taster took a sip and immediately spat it out.\n"This tea is vile, the worst I've ever tasted," he exclaimed. "It is also full of hair; the very least you could have done is strain it."\nThe barman, somewhat taken aback, said: "But sir, the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."