What would be your best one liner...Mine would be"I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming terrified like his passengers
137840
Take my husband....PLEASE!!!!!
270257
"Am I to spend the entire day wallowing around in my own feces? A little service here."\n\nDefinitely Stewie. :o)\n\n"I love God. He's so deliciously evil."
448816
You must be ZONKED, & BLASTED !!!! \n\nthat's how I would be, better relax & lie down.
357445
avian flu\n\npig flu\n\nive been carjacked\n\nYou’ve been mistakenly arrested during a random bag check and transported to Guantánamo Bay, and this is your only phone call, but not to worry, you hope to have the whole thing cleared up by, oh, tomorrow.\n\nSorry but I won't be at work the next few months. You know how i'm in the reserves? We'll I'm being shipped of to Norrath in the morning for some U.N peace Keeping mission... \n\nHey boss, I'll be out of office this week, I'm going on a honeymoon with my wife, we just got married\n\nHey boss i can't work cause i...errrr... i died! Gottagobye! \n \nUm yeah...I've talked with some of my coleagues and we've determined my absence from work isn't a problem, it's a "feature". Thank you for employing me, have a nice day! *click* \n \n\n" My guns are telling me to stay home today". \n\nI've been promoted to Manager by our Supervisor, making you Assistant Manager, & I am now taking a vacation leaving you in charge...& don't look for the Supervisor to question my new promotion, he's gone scuba diving with brick shoes, mwa hahaha!...Scratch the brick shoes part, hehe, woops. \n\nIm having a religous holiday for the week. Im an Eekyoo Tooh Witness...yeah, & our long foretold prophecy is coming true, we'll be fulfilling our religious destiny...Witnessing Eekyoo Tooh. \n \n\nMy wife was in a horrible car accident....yes for the 15th time this year.... \n\n\nI just won a contest for a trip to an entirely different world.....so i'll be needing a few weeks off... \n \n\nI'm sorry, but I feel that my productivity levels will be low today. Would you rather not pay me for a day or pay me for not making my Quota, and depressing everyone around me? \n \nI'm sorry, I won't be available to work today. Oh, I'll be AT work.. with my girlfriend/boyfriend in the supply closet. Please observe the 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door and don't check on us. We'll be fiiiiiiine. \n\nI can't come into work today. I have a fever of 85 degrees. \n\n(I tried that once many years ago with my father if I recall to avoid school. I for some reason had though 78 was the normal temperature. He calmly told me I was dead.) \n\nMe: "Hey boss, I need some time off. " \nBoss: "Why?" \nMe: "My wife in Everquest2 told me that if I don't spend more time with her, she will divorce me." \nBoss: "Oh, what about your real wife?" \nMe: "Didn't I tell you? She divorced me 4 years ago when EQlive came out because I didn't spend enough time with her." \nBoss: "Well for god's sake man, don't let this one get away! Take all the time you need." \n \nDigestive Issues" \nI can guarentee nobody wants details\n\nim sick\n\ni've been in a caraccident\n\nmy babysitter just quit\n\ni just had a misscarriage\n\nim hungover\n\ni just witnessed a robbery & will be at police station id ing the suspect
587301
I woke my wife up one morning with a shrug on her shoulder as we both lay  in bed.  She asked me if I was going to speak to her that morning.  She was referring to my ability to shut down from angst and misery, both what I consider a byproduct of poor choices, and my inability to admit It wasn't for me.  She was right.  Snide, but right.  It was a long time since we spoke.  You'd think we had been asleep for years.\nBut I did answer her.  \nI said, yes I am, I'm leaving. \nI said, I'm miserable can't you tell.  Do I even remotely resemble the man you first met?  You deserve to be wanted, not just a compromise.  \nThat was Eight years ago and we are very close friends.  Oh, she is still a bitch, just somebody elses.  I am happy.  She is too.\n\nI hope this answer just changed a life.  Peace.
509309
"The Ten Commandments" with Chuck Heston.\nThe line is uttered by the immortal Edward G. Robinson.....
507725
Spike Milligans' epitaph,\n\n"I told you I was ill," takes some beating.
560780
MY LIFE....\n\nand the line is , Let me LIVE!\n\nFab song.
144809
I love the one that is a poem about the monster under the bed and hobbes saves the day by just being there (cause the monster didn't know there was a tiger in the bed).  Best Line: "Hey wake up you stupid cretin! Are you gonna sleep while I get eaten!?!?!?"  I'll check my collection books and see if I can find page number for the rest of ya.
431583
I would choose my quotes.\n\nCoach
419319
One of my personal favorites is from "Zoolander":\n"You can derelict my balls, capi-tan." LOL!!!\n\n*Edit*\nOh, I just thought of another funny one from "Ace Ventura: Pet Detective":\nLois: "How would you like it if I made your life a living hell?"\nAce: "Well, Lois, I'm not quite ready for a relationship right now, but maybe I'll give you a call sometime. Your number still 911?" LOL!!!\nPs. Thanks for the great question. You should get some funny answers.
196672
Peacefully in my sleep..but my worst fear is to die under water gasping for breath, sucking in nothing but water... like going under with the titanic
454438
good one\n\n:> peace\n.
505662
My favorite has to be:\n"One dead wife, one dead husband that's enough for me"\nI'm not sure if I got that word for word.
450764
"It's Merely a flesh wound!"   CLASSIC\n\nI use "I shall taunt you a second time (in french accent)"  All the time...it cracks me up!!!
673006
i would say " I HATE YOU YOU F**KING BASTARD!\nYOU NEED TO DIE!" then i would shoot him.
674854
Haha! Omigosh! My grandpa is really sick and probably dying and I needed some cheering up. This made me laugh through my tears. Thanks.