Ok, here it is. I have two children of my own and two step children a total of four. And me and my husband have went through a lot we've only been together for 1 1/2 years. Now that I've been going through a lot of post portum depression from having my new baby (4 months old) and we've been having lots of fights about me being selfish. I've always tried to put my children first in my life, and I thought I was doing that (buying things for them when they need it instead of myslef exc.) But my husband says that I've been so selfish because I don't do things he sugests all the time, and stuff like that. And I know I'm no angel, I am in a way selfish I have been all my life, but I just dont' know how to sit down and figure out how I've been and how I can turn that around. I told my husband I want to change, for him and my children. I love my husband and my children very much and I don't want to ruin my marrage, nor my children's lives in the end. I can use all the advise you can give! TYVM
137165
Sometimes you have to put yourself first, especially if you have kids, you are always doing something for someone else. If you don't take care of yourself, you can't do a good job taking care of anyone else. Maybe your husband needs to understand what you go through.
220878
in my own point of view, your husband doesn't wants to have any kind of responsability what so ever, and the first mistake is that to keep details in the past to much time in the dark so once in the light they brought shadows into the relationship....was important is today, and today the things between you both are not been true at least mostly from his side....going to Europe and keeping that poor communication is not giving you and the kids the importance and value that you all have.....put aside that he might change because i see it very difficult to be, he is playing a doble life and he is to into it that he can't see the courage to walk away from it...you need to find the time and put on thought that you are a very precious being and so are your kids to still wanting for something that it might not come, at least from your husband....unbelieveble as it is there are still good men around, chances to look for a better oportunity for you to be TRUELY LOVED and care about and also your kids are possible in the matter of how you work with what you see is the right time and person to share with a relationship....of course your husband might not want to divorce since it will cost child support and (please understand this is my intuition and perspective) if he has another person in his life there in Europe if things doesn't work later on with her he knows you will be there waiting for him to the rescue........it is a very hard situation, but know that the desicions you make today will have an effect for what tomorrow might bring......fight for your own destiny and happiness, and believe in something, there is a Lord above in the Heavens that never leaves his children side, ask and you should received for the sake of you and your family.......lots of blessings and Good Luck
124311
I agree - it's selfish to use the children as 'tools' to hurt other people who love them and in return she is robbing them of a relationship with yourself and your partner. She's not only hurting you but her own kids too. Apart from that she is not setting a good example for her kids by manipulating and punishing people - it's cruel. Have you tried to resolve your differences with her?
664883
I spent 10 years with my first love who did NOTHING but accuse me of cheating. Even after two kids and finalizing my faithfullness with MARRIAGE (which I regreat every day of my existance) YOU dont have to do a DAMN thing to prove that you are what you are, faithfull and a proud mom. Look at how awesome you are with providing for your kids no matter what curve ball life throws your way. It took me to 6 years to stop my putting up with his claims and accusations that I finally dusted myself up one day and realized, (1)How the Hell am I going to keep on putting up with this and (2) why would I put my kids through this? They are such incredible sponges and you are their role in relationships, family and love. My last straw was relationship counseling, that brought out alot of hidden insecurities that I never knew he had as well as shed some light onto several of his accusations. He actually WAS cheating for awhile and guilt wouldnt let him life it down. After 2 months of "trying for the kids" I left. Me and the kids got our stuff together, I fought for full custody and I havent been happier in a long time. There is a sole mate out there for you and HE will FIND YOU, not that you have to force it to happen just because you had kids with the guy. That is the worst reasons. You are making it alone (emotionally, and financially) you can do it without the added pressure of his stupidity. I have all the faith and prayer in the world on your side and you can get through this. You wont be alone, You will be Happy and Stress Free With Your KIDS. They need you. How old is your youngest? How old is your oldest? Dont hesitate contacting me for questions or advice. My heart goes out to you. PrncssNiki@yahoo.com
168796
hey its your decision you can do whatever you want to do screw these people that say that you are too promicuious they just need to get some themselves!!! anyway i am the one that was asking about whether or not i should let my kids see their real dad ... and i agree with you ..i do let them see him whenever they want to and i will never keep them away from him no matter what my man knew this when he got married so he shouldnt have married me if he had a problem with it ..i was just trying to make sure that i wasnt being selfish!!thank you:)
168269
It's unfortunate that there is a third person involved because he is going to blind her and confuse her thinking.  You really need to remind her to think about the children.  This person she is seeing is not going to take her serious with two children; I just can't see that happen.  Definately discuss this issue with her as well.  She is being extremely selfish; I don't know what led you to seperate but either she wants a divorce or she doesn't.  Talking to another person is a terrible idea if she wants to make things work out with you and you have to put your foot down and asap.  Best of luck to you!! OMG!
317920
Maybe you should continue to stay separated but start "dating" again and work on your issues. Having children in the relationship I feel it could be detrimental to them to have him continually coming and going into the home. I would continue being involved in your church, praying for him and your marriage and continue marriage counselling. If after a few months and giving it 100% there are still no changes in him/willingness from him to work on his issues then I would sit down and seriously contemplate if this situation is right for you and your children. But hopefully with prayer and God in your life you will see some changes. I definitely think baby steps is the way to approach this situation. God be with you.
192179
He is a jerk and you did the right thing. Your kids should be your number one priority. I have 4 and they are the world to me. You are not the bad guy. The next thing he will do is try to get you to feel sorry for him to make you go back to him. Don't do it!
519308
I am a step mom to my husbands three children and he to my 3 children.  We both felt that when we married the other would have that right.  We each feel that if done in a proper way that the other should have that right.  We went thru the you are not my mom or dad things and that's ok but in the end what ever punishment was handed out was still there.  I do so because I want them to turn out to be responsible adults.  That's how we learn in life is by the punishments and rules in life are handed down by our parents and weather they are biological parents you will find rules suck but they have to be followed.  That's what works for us. I am mainly the one at home most with our last son at home so even though I am his step mom I punish more than his dad.  He does not like it sometimes but does abide by what I say.  Wish you lots of luck sweety!
78593
I have much REspect for you.Please be STRONG for your children!I am a married woman.I'm 34(he's 35)and I have been with my spouse since high school(15yrs old)!Lately,I have been thinking Alot about divorce!We have had our share of problems in this marriage!(we've cheated,seperated,etc!)Please don't fill like a Failure!You are a mother!Although you may not be a wife,anymore.A mother is the most IMportant thing you could ever do in your life!And you should REspect yourself for that!I have two beautiful daughters as well(ages 12&8).And,they do not want me to seperate from their father.However,I am not happy.I am miserable.It really seems as if we have grown apart throughout the years!Although he will NOT admit it.And he will not leave!Because,he would have to go and live with his mother.He was laid off,collected UNemployment for 6 mths.Now,He has ZERO income.But,it's not even about the money.I have a decent Income.But my money goes I pay all of the bills,etc,etc!With no help from him.He ignores me alot lately.He yells at me if I ask him when he's gonna start to look for employment.We do not sleep together,anymore.(Rarely)!But yet,I won't get rid of him because I am AFRAID!I am afraid of being alone!I am afraid of being a single mom!I do NOT have much support!No family or friends that wanna hear about it!My only family is my mother and she flips out when I mention his name!Because she despises him.And thinks he is an UNfit father and husband,she has even tried to fiX me up with others.Don't get me wrong,He has worked in the past.But there aren't alot of great jobs here in our area.But I thought since he isn't working he would help me around the house more!He does a lil bit but NOT much!He just sleeps constantly,OR plays that damn XboX,or watches Tv 24-7!And it is starting to drive me crazy!We could be tottaly broke need gas,need bread and milk,everything.And he would sit all day and play xbox/or watch tv and act like everythings all good??Please is anyone else out there eXperiencing this with their man/hubby?I would love to hear from you!I would go craZy without this site!lol.I am so ready to call it quits!But,I am just so afraid of being alone.But,It would be so GREAT to find a man who loves me like I love him!One who works,likes the outdoors,fishes,hunts,etc,etc!And one who is good with children!Believe me hun,they are out there!They are just hard to find!But,don't give up!Pray!I bet you time will heal the hurt you are feeling now!And,when you do meet someone else you'll be ready!And hopefully happier than you ever were with him!And I agree with the above look into some support groups they will definately help you!(maybe I should take my own advice,huh?lol)Plus,you may meet someone there you never know.Or at least make some NEW friends!Hey GOOD luck to you!And hey your not all alone dear!You do have us!lol Even though it's just a website.We are all here to help you and give you advice!Sometimes I think I would rather be ALone!Than be with someone who is abusive.And makes me feel Unloved,UNwanted and Neglected!But then again,I might freak out(seriously!)I am just so dependant on him.Even though the marriage is done.And it's stale.I continue to stay?Yes,I am in counseling.But, no that hasn't helped much either!I am on anti depressants,and a whole bunch of other meds.But,I still feel the same.Maybe I'm too afraid to be loved?I don't know what it is anymore.But think of it this way,At least you can be proud of yourself for standing on your own two feet,and raising your children!May I ask why you got divorced after so many years together?Was it your idea or his?If you don't mind sharing.I am really curious about what happened?Thanks!Take Care and good luck to you and the kids!
641310
Well, as a wife and mother of 5 children and married for 23 yrs...I can honestly say love is unconditional and is sometimes a rollercoaster...if you are not already married, you still have a choice...but do know this friend..."what once was, can be again"...sometimes you have to return to your first love..the things you did...what you said...how you treated each other...now, if those "things" you refer to are harrassing, violence, and such...a sit down talk in a "neutral" spot is the answer there. Be honest if this must be done...be specific..& don't leave it "open ended"...like "we'll see"...I need space for now...needs to be clean cut...best of everything!
83490
Oh can I relate to/with you on this one!!! I have four kids. He has one. I love this man dearly but making my four walk a narrow line and expect the best is great until it comes to his son who can do,say,etc. what ever in the heck he wants! I simply told him about it. After all, I can live without a man or find another one but my kids are all I truely have and can not be replaced. Equal...the whole house and everyone in it. No one is more special then the other when it comes to discipline! If you are in the wrong, it is our job as the parent to help set the child back down on the right path! Good luck and remember, eventually your kids will notice and hold it against you for not doing or saying anything! Good Luck!!!
258489
Children do not have the same capacity to express their emotions as adults.\n\nThey express their emotions through their behaviour. Both good & bad.\n\nIt seems that the conflict between your children & b/f stems from their [the children's] emotional conflict. \n\nIt's difficult enough for adults, to cope with change & adults have the choice. \n\nGiving your children time & support to come to terms with this change in their life, will be fundamental to their future development.\n\nThey have been through a very traumatic period in their life. They will have scars, that need healing. \n\nI suggest talking to your children. Try to discover their concerns, anxieties over your b/f.\n\nListen, to them. They need YOU. \n\nYou are entitled to personal happiness, but it should never be at the expense of your children.\n\nThey want to feel that you love them. You must make them feel loved and important to you.\n\nIf you resolve the issues pertaining to your children, you may find that your b/f comes over more frequently.\n\nWhy would anyone want to subject themselves to abusive comments and a negative enviroment.\n\nTalk to your b/f [when the children are not with you] about their anxieties. Ask him to be patient with them. \n\nIf you b/f can not accept that your children are your priority, I would seriously consider your relationship with him.\n\nIt can work out. My b/f and children got to know eachother very slowly [over 2 years]. \n\nThey are really fond of eachother & most importantly the children do not feel that they have to compete for my love & time. \n\nYour b/f seems to be acting responsibly by not sleeping over when the children are there. It sounds like he is considering their feelings. So, try to relax about him.\n\nGOOD LUCK
310324
We as people are easily blind--especially when it comes to something that will hurt us!! We want to believe the best in our partners (or even kids for that matter) if we just think happy thoughts than nothing can be wrong right?? Well this is what people do all the time! They think that if you can't see it isn't really there, it is away of protecting ourselves from getting let down, having a broken heart! No one wants to be hurt or get hurt, but it is away of life something we have to come face to face with eventually! Nothing is ever 50/50 although in marriage it should be--however there are always three sides to every story:HIS, HERS, and the TRUTH!! I am not here to judge-you or anyone-I have no right to that, and I am very sorry for what you are going through, I pray that you will be able to work this out with YOURSELF!! Remember, it is not forgive and forget-us as people never forget, and forgiving is something you have know you have in you, I am not a forgiving person, so he would be out the door for me, however, if you are please consider consoling for the family, not just you and your husband but for the kids to!! Good Luck to you all!!!:)
163086
Look I went through the same thing with my ex wife ....I started to realize it wasn't any thing I could do.... Cause it wasn't just up to me it was up to her too.....You can only carry some one for so long before you end up being the same person....I know it will be hard but maybe it is time to move on ....Don't be anybodies fool... You need to start a life that gives you some comfort and happiness..Sounds like you need it....And I know you have a child ,but wouldn't you rather have you child have all the love he/she could get from you ? Rather than you being so worried about what your husband is doing late at night.When you woory about what your husband is doing you take away the focus your child needs .... Hope that helps a little\nEXPLAYA here
337865
I think that you and your husband need to sit down and come up with a plan together. You don't want to hurt her feeling but at the same time you don't want this to ruin your marriage.  Explain it in a way that it would be better for her if she got a place of her own. This might sound wrong but if all else fails point out bad parts about living with the three of you----for example---- never quiet cause of the kid, too little space for all of you, things like that make it look all rosey and nice to live on her own.  Sounds like she needs to get a life outside of your family.  That sounds mean but what i mean is she needs to have friends of her own age.  Your husband and you need to be on the same page. How does he feel about the situation? does he want her gone too? I wish you the best of luck it is a tough situation cause its his mother.  GOOD LUCK!!!!
587768
Does he want to have kids?\n\nThe kids question is one of the important things for couples to work out before marriage. You need to sit down and talk to him to find out how he feels.\n\nIf he doesn't want kids - then selfish has nothing to do with it. You are on the same page. If he wants to have kids - the two of you have some difficult decisions to make. He would either have to decide that being with you is far more important than having kids of his own or you would have to decide that you are willing to try and have more children.\n\nYou are sharing two beautiful daughters with him. That's not selfish at all.