on a four yr old's bday, he asked his mom if he could go in the shower with her, his mom said sure, but dont look up or down.\nthe boy looked up... "mommy what are those?" (mom said) "those are my lights" the boy looked down "mommy, whats that?" (mom said) "thats my garage" when his dad came home, he asked if he could go in the shower with him his dad said sure, but dont look down. the boy looked down. "daddy, what's that?" (the dad said) "that's my car" then the boy was sleeping in his parents bed and they said not to look under the covers. he looked under the covers. "mommy, turn your lights on, dad's parking his car in your garage!" (really nasty, ain't it? and my friend thought it was funny!;-P
121241
i have heard that a million times .. that is nasty
318201
Hi, Honey, this is Daddy; Pick Up\n\n"Hello?"\n\n"Hi honey, this is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"\n\n"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."\n\nAfter a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."\n\n"Oh, yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy right now."\n\n**Brief Pause**\n\n"Uh, okay then. This is what I want you to do.\nPut the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."\n\n"Okay Daddy, just a minute."\n\nA few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it, Daddy."\n\n"And what happened, honey?" he asked.\n\n"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on, and ran around screaming.  Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser, and now she isn't moving at all!"\n\n"Oh, my gosh!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"\n\n"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared, and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool, and I think he's dead."\n\n***Long Pause***\n\nThen Daddy says, "Swimming pool??...Is this 486-5731??"
327953
An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly. He walks into the house and\nsays to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" \n\nBessie looks him over, "Nope."\n\nFrustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots. Again, he asks,a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" \n\nBessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today,it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."\n\nFurious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"\n\nTo which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray."
662429
Thats pretty funny. I have one too.\n\n\nA group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! \n \n"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. \n \nShe asked Chris what he had done over the weekend? "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words! \n \nShe then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words." \n \nShe then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" \n \n[You'll love this] \n \nAlex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the SH*T."
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A first grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, Boy, what is ur problem? \nBoy,I am too smart for the first grade. My sister is in third grade and I am smarter than her so I should be in 3rd grade. \nThe teacher had enough. she took d boy to d principal's office. Boy waited outside and d teacher went to the principal and explained the situation. D principal told he would give a test to d boy and if he failed, he would go to 1st grade. Boy was brought in and d conditions were explained to him and he agreed. \nPrincipal,What is 3x3. \nBoy,9. \nPrincipal,What is 6x6. \nBoy,36.And so the boy answered all the questions correctly which were asked by the principal.He recommended d teacher for his admission in 3rd grade. The teacher said, I hv some of my own questions. Can I ask him. D principal n boy both agreed. \nMs.What does a cow have four of that I hv only two. \nBoy, Legs. \nMs.What is in ur pants that u hv but I dont hv? \nBoy,Pockets. \nMs.What starts with C and ends with T, is hairly, oval, delicious n contains thin whitish liquid? \nBoy,Coconut. \nMs.What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft n sticky? \nThe principal's eyes opened wide n before he could stop d answer, boy was taking charge. \nBoy,Bubblegum. \nMs.What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down n a dog does on 3 legs? \nBoy, Shake hands. \nMs.Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, Okay? \nBoy,Yep. \nMs.U stick ur poles inside me. U tie me down to get me up. I get wet before u do. \nBoy,Tent. \nMs.A finger goes in me. U fiddle with me when u r bored. D best man always has me first. \nThe principal was looking restless a bit n took one large Vodka peg. \nBoy,Wedding Ring. \nMs.I come in many sizes. When I am not well, I drip. When u blow me u feel good. \nBoy,Nose. \nMs.I hv a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. \nBoy,Arrow. \nMs.What word starts with F and ends with K and that means a lot of heat and excitement? \nBoy,Firetruck. \nMs.What starts with F and ends with K and if u dont get it u hv to use ur own hands? \nBoy,Fork. \nMs.What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than on others, the pope does not use his and a man gives it to his after they are married? \nBoy, Surname. \nMs.What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, and is responsible for making love? \nBoy,Heart. \nThe principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send this Boy to the college, I got the last 10 questions wrong myself.
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Blonde Restroom\n\nOne day a blonde's husband said that he was going to divorce her if she kept going to the restroom on the side of the road, so she agreed.\nThe next day when she had to go to the restroom she crossed the road and went inside her neighbors shed. She went into the shed and saw a golden toilet. She looked around and didn't see anyone too ask if she may use it so she just went to the restroom. \n\nWhen she got back her husband asked where she went to the restroom, she replied "in the neighbors out house" so he said "that's interesting, I never saw an out house over there, they must have just got it."\n\nThe next day she had too use the restroom and again, nobody was there, so she just went to the restroom. When she got back her husband asked the same thing and got the same reply.\n\nThe next day she had to use the restroom again, this time their whole family was in there, she then said to a little girl "I hope you don't mind, but I have been using your out house."\n\nThe little girl then runs to her mother and says "mommy, mommy, I Know who has been pooping in your tuba!"
627285
I take it, that you don't want to stand up all evening, so I will give you a fairly short one.\n\nThe First Date\n \nA boy decided to have a dinner with his girlfriend parents. \nSince this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. \n\nWell, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. \nThe pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. \nHe tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. \n\nAt the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. \nThe boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. \n\nThat night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. \n"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" \n\nThe boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. \nThe boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. \n\nA minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. \n10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. \nFinally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." \n\nThe boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
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THAT IS THE FUNNIEST JOKE THAT I HAVE READ IN A WHILE...\nI JUST CANT STOP LAUGHING. (I AM 3) MAN OH MAN, MY MOMMY AND DADDY ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS.\n\nIT WAS A KIWI!!! HA HA HA LOLOL...\n\nYOU'RE KILLING ME!!! \n\nMAN, I JUST POOPED MYSELF! I CANT STOP LAUGHING!\n\nOH...HEHEHE.....HAHAHA...LOLOLO....\n\nWHEW...MAN THAT WAS FUNNY....\n\n\n......\n\n\n...........\n\nHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!
315652
A man met a beautiful woman and he decided he wanted to marry her \nright away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." \n\nHe said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." .....\n\nWhoops.\n\n\n\nOk, here is my real joke, the only other one I can remember in my flu delirium.\n\n...as told to me by my best friend when she was eight and I was ten...\n\nIf you are on the potty and you are not American, what are you?\n\nyou're-a-peein'.....
391830
A little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.\n“Tyson,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where\ndid you hear it?”\n“My daddy said it,” he responded.\n“Well, that doesn’t matter,” she explained, “I don’t want to hear\nthat language in here again.”\nAfter a moment, she thought she whispered aloud, “At least he\ndoesn’t know what it means.”\n“I do, too,” Tyson corrected. “It means the car won’t start.”
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That's great, but that ain't the way I heard it ...\nCatholic priest comes up on a group of teens sitting on the church lawn and asks them what they are up to.\n"Not much, Father," says one bold lad. "We're just seeing who can tell the biggest lie about their sex life."\n"Now, son, that's a sin," cries the priest. "Why, when I was your age, I never even thought about girls."\nIn unison, the teenagers shout, "Duh!"
317545
Okay,\n\nWillie was rolling down the hall of his nursing home like he was driving a car, when an aide turned the corner and seen him, the aide asked what are you doing Willie responded im driving to chicago for a week on vacation The aide chuckled and entered johns room only to catch john pleasuring himself, when asked what he was doing john responded im screwing willies wife while hes in chicago!\n\n\nAn elderly Lady bought a set of parrots, when she got them hold she couldnt figure out which was male and which one was the female, she called the pet store and asked, the employee said just watch them closely and it will become obvious. She watched for weeks when finally they did what comes natural she cut a ring from cardboard and placed it around the males neck.\nHours later the local preacher showed up at the womans home, The parrot took one look at the preachers collar and said she caught you in the act to!!!\n\n\nWhat did god say when Michael Jackson got to the pearly gates?\nNig*a i didnt make you this way!\n\n\nA little girl was walking through town with her mother when she picked up something off the ground and stuck it in her mouth. Her mothert warned her not to do that, it has germs on it and such. The girl asked how do you know. Of course everyone knows this stuff. She replied:You have to know that stuff to become a mommy its on the mommys test you have to know it to pass. They walked on a little longer in silence as the girl was pondering this new information, Suddenly the girls says with enthusiasm "I get it if you fail, you have to be the daddy!!!"\n\nHope you like it!
260448
yeah OK I have a great 2 jokes for you here but be prepared that they are somewhat well just wrong hehehe ok here we go! enjoy!\n\n#1- A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife,so he went to a psychiatrist,who told him he needed to build self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness.\n   After reading the book on the way him,he stormed into the house and declared, "I want you to know I am the man of the house,and my word is law."I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight.THen after dinner,you are going to draw my bath so I can relax ,and when I'm finished with my bath,guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?"\n           His wife responded, "THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR."\n\n#2-A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey,could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now"He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light" NOw does it look like I have a G.E.O Logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."\n   Well then,could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right". To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have WestingHouse written on my forehead? I don't think so"."Fine," She says "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break".\n"I'm not a damn Carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps." "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so.I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!"\n   So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.\nHe starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife,and decides to go home and help out.As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed.As he enters the house,He sees the hall light is working,the fridge door is fixed.\n"Honey, How'd all this get fixed? She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried.Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.He offered to do all the repaires,and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."\nHe said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "HELLOOOOO..... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"\n\n#3- A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vagina lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze.Out of emabarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.\n  A wakening from the anesthesia after the surgery,she found three roses carefully placed beside her bed.Outraged,she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"\n   The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this by yourself."\n   "The second rose is from my nurse.She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."\n   "And what about the third rose?" she asked.\n"Oh,that rose is from the man upstairs in the burn unit.He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
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LMAO  That one is too funny.\n\n\nA little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, "Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?" \nHer mum replies "I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning." \nSo off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again. Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed. \nThe following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted "Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again." \nSo the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said "But mummy, I still can't see." \nTo which the mother replied, "April fool!"
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there was a little boy and a little girl and they were at a playground there was a pond near by and they wanted to go swimming but they didnt have any bathing suit so they went skinny dipping the little girl asked the little boy whats that he said i dont know ill ask my mommy the little boy asked the  liitle girl he said whats that she said i dont know ill ask my mommy well the little boy asked mommy he said mommy whats this she said thats your fir truck said oh\nok well the little girl asked her mommy she said mommy whats\nthis she said thats your garage she said ok well they both went back to the play ground and told each other what it was alll of a sudden the little girl went running to her moomy and saidd mommy mommy that little boy tried to park his fire truck in my garage but dont worry i ripped his back wheels off !!!!!!
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guess they was more trouble lol not toooo funny but ok for a rookie to start being funny         here is mine hope you like  it   JUDGE MY JOKE 2 EVERBODY WHOS U LIKE BEST MINE OR HES\n\nthere was a 16 year old bringing his gf home  and  he went up stairs to find his little brother 9 yrs old was sleeping on the bottom bunk so him and his gf climbed on the top bunk for a little fun as u might except things start to heat up so he tell his gf by whispering if you want me to go fast say lettucre  cheese  for slow  tomato for a new postion  and maynoise for im too hot stop  so she goes lettcure tomato chesse lettcure tomato  cheese cheese    CHEEEEESEEE THEN SHE SCREAMS  tomato tomato and maynoiseeeeeeee mayoise   MOANS  MAYANOISE  so then with all the screaming her little brother wakes up and he shouts will you guys stop making sandwhices up there you got maynoise all in my face
155238
Why We Love Kids \n\n\n  NUDITY \n\n  I was driving with my three young children one warm summer evening when a \n  woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark \n  naked! As I was reeling from the shock, I heard my 5-year-old shout from \n  the back-seat, "Mom! That lady isn't wearing a seat belt!" \n\n\n  HONESTY \n\n  My son Zachary, 4, came screaming out of the bathroom to tell me he'd \n  dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. So I fished it out and threw it in \n  the garbage. Zachary stood there thinking for a moment, then ran to my \n  bathroom and came out with my toothbrush. He held it up and said with a \n   charming little smile, "We better throw this one out too then, 'cause it \n  fell in the toilet a few days ago. \n\n\n  OPINIONS \n\n  On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from \n  his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not \n  necessarily those of his parents." \n\n\n  KETCHUP \n\n  A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup to come out of the jar. During \n  her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to \n  answer the phone. "It's the minister, Mommy," the child said to her \n  mother Then she added, "Mommy can't come to the phone to talk to you \n  right now. She's hitting the bottle." \n\n\n  MORE NUDITY \n\n  A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women's locker \n  room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies \n  grabbing towels and running for cover. The little boy watched in \n  amazement and then asked, "What's the matter haven't you ever seen a \n  little boy before?" \n\n\n  POLICE # 1 \n\n  While taking a routine vandalism report at an elementary school, I was \n  interrupted by a little girl about 6 years old. Looking up and down at my \n  uniform, she asked, "Are you a cop?" "Yes," I answered and continued \n  writing the report. "My mother said if I ever needed help I should ask \n  the police. Is that right?" "Yes, that's right," I told her. "Well, \n  then," she said as she extended her foot toward me, "would you please tie \n  my shoe?" \n\n\n  POLICE # 2 \n\n  It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the \n  station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, \n  and I saw a little boy staring in at me. "Is that a dog you got back \n  there?" he asked. "It sure is," I replied. Puzzled, the boy looked at me \n  and then towards the back of the van. Finally he said, "What'd he do?" \n\n\n  ELDERLY \n\n  While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly \n  shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. \n  She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, \n  particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs. One day I found her \n  staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass. As I braced myself \n  for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, \n  "The tooth fairy will never believe this!" \n\n\n  DRESS-UP \n\n  A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw \n  her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, "Daddy, you shouldn't wear that \n  suit." "And why not, darling?" "You know that it always gives you a \n  headache the next morning." \n \n\n  DEATH \n\n  While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister \n  heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt. \n  Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. \n  Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small \n  box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal \n  of the deceased. The minister's