A man goes into a resturant and orders the soup of the day and when it is served he notices a fly in his soup so he calls back the waiter and says.\nOi waiter there is a fly in my soup go and get me a fresh one and i dont mean hook the fly out with a spoon either.\n\nSo the waiter takes the soup back and a few minutes later returns with another bowl of soup.\nThen the man calls the waiter back again and says get me the manager i told you not to hook the fly out with a spoon and thats exactly what you did.\n\n\nBut how did the man know?
123398
The soup was cooler than the first time the bowl was brought out.
248566
The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. \n"Hello." \n"Is your daddy home?" he asked. \n"Yes," whispered the small voice. \n"May I talk with him?" \nThe child whispered, "No." \nSurprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?" \n"Yes." \n"May I talk with her?" \nAgain the small voice whispered, "No." \nHoping there was somebody with whom he could leave! a message, the boss asked, "Is anybody else there?" \n"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman" \nWondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, \n"May I speak with the policeman?" \n"No, he's busy", whispered the child. \n"Busy doing what?"  \n"Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman," came the whispered answer. \nGrowing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, "What is that noise?" \n"A helicopter" answered the whispering voice.  "What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. \nAgain, whispering, the child answered, "The search team just landed the helicopter." \nAlarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for?" \n \nStill whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle: \n\n"ME."
254852
A down on his luck mathematician interviewed for a job as a fireman.  He was asked the question in his interview, "If there was a paper fire in a dumpster, how would you deal with it?"  The mathematician proceeded to describe how he'd get the fire hose and fill the dumpster with water, thereby extinguishing the fire.\n\nTwo weeks later, the fire company, with the mathematician as a new member, responded to a fire at a warehouse.  Arriving at the warehouse, they found a pallet of paper brochures on fire.  Quickly, the mathematician opened a warehouse door, grabbed a pallet jack, pushed the pallet into a dumpster outside the warehouse door, then grabbed a fire hose and fills the dumpster.\n\nThe fire chief was furious?  "What the heck you were doing?" he asked the mathematician.  The mathematician responded, "I simply re-expressed the problem in terms of a problem with a known solution."
555621
There were these three guys. They had been walking for 3 days and\nwere very tired. They found a hotel, rented a room and went to sleep.\nThen, this old guy comes in out of nowhere, and says there is a magic\npool just outside their hotel room. He tells them "Ok, you must jump\noff the diving board, and yell out what you wanna land in."\n\nSo the three guys go over to the pool. The first guy, a vegetarian,\nyells out "Bananas!" and lands in a pool of bananas. The second guy\nwas money hungry and yelled out "Money!" and lands in a pile of\nmoney. The third guy jumps, when a bird shits on his head, and he\nyells "Oh Shit!"\n\n---------------------------------\nA young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can\nhave a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride\nagrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has\nbeen left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.\n\nShe confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He\nexplains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in\nthe drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But\nwhat about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf\nballs, I sold them"
413035
I woulde tell the following joke and hope the punch line was understood:\nA famous English tea taster, believing he had tasted every tea known to man, decided to retire. At his retirement party, someone mentioned a tea made from the hair of a koala bear and only available in a small town called Mercy in the Australian Outback.\nWell, because he hadn't tried this tea, the tea taster postponed his retirement and set off for Australia. After his British Airways flight landed in Sydney, he switched to Qantas for a flight to Alice Springs then to a bus which took him to Mercy, deep in the Outback.\nWalking along the only street in Mercy, he found a small bar, went inside, sat down at the counter and asked the barman if he could have a cup of the famous tea made from the hair of a koala bear.\nThe barman went back to the kitchen an a few minutes later returned with a cup of the tea. The English tea taster took a sip and immediately spat it out.\n"This tea is vile, the worst I've ever tasted," he exclaimed. "It is also full of hair; the very least you could have done is strain it."\nThe barman, somewhat taken aback, said: "But sir, the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."
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Has anyone read the new etiquette book written by the pizza hut workers? What did you think of it? \nI personally thought the best tips were the ones that dealt with bathroom etiquette. It was really interesting, especially since Billy Bob wrote that section.\n\n\nPersonally, I did not agree with this one.\n\n\n5a. When in the bathroom, always offer the  people in the stall\n      to the right and left of you a slice of pizza by sliding it \n      under the stall to them.\n\nFirst of all, why should I offer them some of my pizza?\nThe last time I was in the John--no one offered me a slice and the two hogs on both sides of me were like sharks in a feeding frenzy--hot pepper packets and cheese packets were flying through the air and all you could hear was the gnashing of teeth and the crunching of pizza bones and an occassional ripper.\n\nI told the lady waiting in line to use the bathroom that they weren't sharing and she took her pizza and left.    \n\nI also didn;t like\n\n\n12c. " To promote patriotism, it will be the policy for pizza hut\n           employees to get on the intercom at least once an\n           hour to lead the customers in a pledge of alligance.\n           No matter where you are, please rise and place your\n           hand over your heart and join in. For those who are\n           in the restroom, there will be a employee to lead you\n           in the pledge of alliegance there."\n\n* Now that one can get a little messy don't you think?\n   What was Billy Bob thinking? and who in the world gave\n    him that authority? Was it Marge???? She must have been\n     drinking with the Toobogan club again.
500769
A pig is walking down the street and smells something so he goes there.\n\nAnd the man throws hm out some bacon and he eats it and he hears someone screaming when he did.\n\nThen the man throws out some ballony.\n\nSo he eats it and he hears another scream!!\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\nSo finally he gets scared and doesn't know what to do until his mom comes and asks what he's doing?\n\n\nSo he tells her i ate some bacon and ballonie.\n\n\nThe mother pig faints when he goes home and takes his mom back he asks what's bad about that???\n\n\nand his mom replies that That was his brother!
514523
Japanese man walked into a sushi restaurant and said he couldn't eat in but could he have his order to glow.\n\nYes, not too good but it is on the spur of the moment JJ.
68498
good ol dang question ya got der hoss. almoss loss my dang ol thought train tryin ta git past dem munchy vittles you wuz talkin bout.  gettin regular just da fact you be in da outhouse befer no long cleanin out da ol pipes.  dont mean no dang ol harm nor foul.  \n\nya mussa asked dang ol bocephus thar fer dem ways to da eatin shack cuz eryon knows he da one fellar dat smarter n hell ta know dat. \n\nTo digress from my previous rambling, you are an idiot.
448015
"Hello Newman "said Jerry, Jerry Dingleberry. "What brings you to this side of town". \n"Well, Jerry "he replied "the yogurt verdict is in...FAT .I was here to test theory but I couldn't find the stuff. I knew it must be around here somewhere. I thought the aroma of strawberry would send me in the right direction.  I'd thought, what am I...hard of smelling? "\n"You don't say, " said Jerry, "tell me more".\n"Well I was seraching high and low, you know really trying to sniff it out. Then out of nowhere here comes Elaine, jumping on my back and yelling "mmmm giddyup, giddyup. It seems it was all a joke. There never was any yogurt and this was the most public yet of my humiliations. "\n"Well, you know what they say" replied Jerry "no good deed goes unpunished"
462836
Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" \n\nLottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck.\n\nJock prays again: "Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"\n\nSuddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders: "Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a f#ck!ng ticket
228372
There was a farmer who raised watermelons. He was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat watermelons. After some careful thought he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure. So he made up the sign and posted it in the field. The next day the kids show up and they see this sign, it said, "Warning!! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."\n\n So the kids run off, make up their own sign and post it next to the sign that the farmer made. The farmer shows up the next week and when he looks over the field he notices that no watermelons are missing but he notices a new sign next to his. He drives up to the sign that read: "Now there are two".\n\n An agriculture student said to a farmer: "Your methods are too old fashioned. I won't be surprised if this tree will give you less than twenty pounds of apples."\n "I won't be surprised either," said the farmer, "this is an orange tree".\n\n A farm boy was drafted. On his first furlough, his Father asked him what he thought of Army life.\n\n "Its pretty good Pa. The food's not bad, the work's easy but best of all, they let ya sleep real late in the morning."\n\n There was a farmer who had a herd of pigs. One day someone went to the farm and asked the farmer: "What do you use to feed your pigs?"\n "Well, I give them acorn, corn, and things like that. Why?"\n "Because I am from the Animals Protection Association and I think you don't feed them like you should, they shouldn't eat wastes."\n Then he fined the farmer.\n\n Some days later, another person arrived and asked the same question. The farmer answered: "Well, I feed them very well. I give them salmon, caviar, shrimp, steak...why?"\n "Because I am from the United Nations Organization and I think it's unfair that you feed your pigs like that when there are people dying with nothing to eat."\n And he fined the farmer.\n\n Finally, another man came in and asked just the same question. The hesitant farmer answered after a few minutes: "Well, I give five dollars to each pig so they can buy whatever they want."\n\n Two cows were talking in the field one day.\n\n First Cow: "Have you heard about the Mad Cow disease that's going around?"\n\n Second Cow: "Yeah, makes you glad you're a penguin, doesn't it?"\n\n On a drive in the country, a city slicker noticed a farmer lifting a pig up to an apple tree and holding the pig there as it ate one apple after another.\n\n "Maybe I don't know what I'm talking about," said the city slicker, "but if you just shook the tree so the apples fell to the ground, wouldn't it save a lot of time?"\n\n "Time?" said the farmer. "What does time matter to a pig?"\n\n A farmer gets sent to jail, and his wife is trying to hold the farm together until her husband can get out. She's not, however, very good at farm work, so she writes a letter to him in jail: "Dear sweetheart, I want to plant the potatoes. When is the best time to do it?"\n\n The farmer writes back: "Honey, don't go near that field. That's where all my guns are buried."\n\n But, because he is in jail all of the farmer's mail is censored. So when the sheriff and his deputies read this, they all run out to the farm and dig up the entire potato field looking for guns. After two full days of digging, they don't find one single weapon.\n\n The farmer then writes to his wife: "Honey, now is when you should plant the potatoes."
77905
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.\n\n \n\n"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."\n\n \n\nThe blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"\n\n \n\n"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"\n\n \n\n"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"\n\n \n\nThe guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."\n\n \n\n"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"\nHope you find this one funny!!
466203
Real Funny.\n\nRead this one\n\nThe Deaf Genie\n\nA man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the\nbag on the counter.\n\nThe bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag.\n\nThe man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one\nfoot high, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag\nand pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well.\n\nHe reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench,\nwhich he places in front of the piano.\nThe little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful\npiece by Mozart!\n\n"Where on earth did you get that?" says the bartender.\n\nThe man responds by reaching into the paper bag.\nThis time he pulls out a lamp. He hands it to the bartender and\nsays..."Here. Rub it."\n\nSo the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke\nand a beautiful genie is standing before him.\n\n"I will grant you one wish. Just one wish...each person is allowed only one!"\n\nThe bartender gets really excited.\n\nWithout hesitating he says, "I want a million bucks!"\n\nA few moments later, a duck walks into the bar.\nIt is soon followed by another duck, then another.\nPretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming!\n\nThe bartender turns to the man and says, "Y'know, I think your genie's\na little deaf...I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks."\n\n"Tell me about it!!" says the man...\n\n"Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"\n\nBYE - Imtiyaz G
188720
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for\na nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through\nwhat was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the\nneedle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light\nbehind him.\n"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and\nopened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the\nreality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought\nand pulled over.\nThe cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and\nexamined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily\nat the driver and said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last\npull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an\nexcuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"\nThe driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a\nreply. "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was\nafraid you were trying to give her back!"\n"Off you go," said the officer.
189553
Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:\n\nJust after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.\n\n"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. I'm serious dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,looking stressed I immediately knew what to do.\n\n"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"\n\n"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute "She's having babies!"\n\n"What?" my shocked son demanded, "But their names are Bert and Ernie,Mom!"\n\nI was equally outraged. [duh]\n\n"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.\n \n"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.\n\n"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).\n\n"Yeah! Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed..\n\n"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with that sarcasm, in her voice)\n\nBy now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.\n\n"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We'reabout to witness the miracle of birth."\n \n"Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "yuck!"\n\n"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.\n\nWe peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tinyfoot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.\n\n"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.\n\n"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.\n\n"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.\n\n"Okay, okay." Squeamishly! , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.\n\n"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)\n\n"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.\n\nWe drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,Ernie, breathe," he urged.\n \n"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)\n\nThe Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.\n\n"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.\n\n"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr.. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"\n\nI gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.\n\n"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.\n\n"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. Infact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species,they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."\n\nHe blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr..Cameron."\n\nWe were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just....just...excited," my wife offered.\n\n"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.\n\nMore silence.\n\nThen my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh l
241553
An American touring Spain stopped at a local restaurant following\na day of sightseeing. While sipping his sangria, he noticed a\nsizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next\ntable. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He\nasked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"\n\nThe waiter replied, " Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those\nare bulls testicles from the bull fight this morning.  A\ndelicacy!"\n\nThe American, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the hell,\nI'm on vacation! Bring me an order!"\n\nThe waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one\nserving per day because there is only one bull fight each\nmorning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will\nbe sure to save you this delicacy!"\n\nThe next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and\nthen that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy\nof the day.  After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of\nhis platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are\ndelicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw\nyou serve yesterday!"\n\nThe waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si senor.\nSometimes the bull wins."