I have been in a s**t relationship for a long time. I am so use to living with him and my kids that i am afraid to do anything else. deep down i am so miserable here. I want to be free of him, but at the same time i am afraid of the impact it will have on everyone.I have been an at home mom. they all need me for everything. Thats the way i made it, by doing everything. what to do for me now?
121649
You can't just stop, but you can let go.  Unfortunately it doesn't matter who you are and how good or bad your relationship was, when it comes to change it is scary.  You have to figure out how you are going to survive on your own and while you have a responsibility to yourself to be happy and end this relationship, you still have a responsibility to your kids to make sure they are taken care of physically and emotionally.  Take your time and come up with a plan that you can live with.  Talk to a lawyer and make sure that plan is in the best interests of you and your kids.  Then execute the plan so that some day down the road you can find true happiness.
252269
Been there and done that...not fun!  I feel for you but you have to be strong enough to GET OUT!  I had family and friends to help me out behind his back.  I planned carefully because he was smart and inquisitive, very controlling.  Get mad and smart too!  Figure out his work schedule and get it all done in a short amount of time.  Get a restraining order against him before you go so that you are somewhat protected when you leave.  Go somewhere safe where someone is with you all the time and has speed dial.  Get a plan B so that if this is not an option you have somewhere else to go.  Don't make him mad.  Above all don't let him see you are nervous.  Keep him calm and level headed until you pull it off.  Don't change your routine or compromise yourself.  Be sure to delete all "help" calls off the phone and alert the police of what you are about to do and the day and time.  You can also have the police escort you out once they know the situation if you need to do it that way.  My prayers go out with you!
554685
My parents got divorced and it was the best thing they could have done for us. I also am divorced and have two children. Their father and I co-parent very successfully because we got out of it before we turned hateful. I knew that it was enough when he would come home and I felt like my day just got shot down the tubes. Life is too short to be with someone who is not right for you. Try to discuss it when he is sober. Try counseling for yourself as an individual first, then suggest it for family therapy. If that does not work, then at least you tried and you know that you are doing the right thing.  It is a difficult decision, but just try to think if this is the man who you want to be with for every day of the rest of yoiur life. There may be someone else better suited for each of you and you will not be able to pursue that until you straighten out things for yourself first. Good luck with this sweetie, I know it is hard, but you can do it !
462374
after all you and your family has done for him and he does this sounds like there is no respect for himself or for his family. He is a adult and he knew the consquences before he took his actions and now he must deal with them. There is no such thing as accidently sleeping or being with someone else while you are married. With him abusing you and then cheating on you and you already having one child and one on the way all you can do is make a grown decision and ask yourself do you want to raise your children to see this? I was in a relationship many years ago just like that and really loved my ex husband however 5 years of the physical abuse and the drinking and cheating was enough I finally got out. It does hurt but you have to be strong if he did it once and you take him back ask yourself will you ever be able to let it go and forget it? Will the relationship be the same? will he do it again? will you have to live your life constantly asking yourself is he out there cheating again? Do you want to deal with that? I know it hurts but why put yourself through it again? You may never get over him I know i have been married to my husband now for 13 years and still once in a while think of my ex husband but am very happy with who i got and where i am in life. So only you can make your decisions and have to live with them and only we online can give opinions so from experience my opinion would be you have been seperated for a while and i would suggest stay away and get a divorce I would not want to raise children thinking it was ok to cheat on someone you love or raise your daughter to be tolerant of someone treating her like that so plain and simple ask yourself this if it was your daughter and she was going through this kind of suituation what would you want her to do?? Good Luck and God Bless
343513
Ugh...what a mess. Look, no one is perfect and there are a ton of people on here who will tell you what a bad person you are because of this scenario. First and foremost, please remember no one has the right to judge you. Everyone makes mistakes and everyone hurts people...nobody is above this. Please don't listen to all the horrible words posted here. It doesn't make you a "bad" person...but you are troubled and confused and this situation is only going to lead to so much hurt and pain for so many people, especially the kids. I hate to say this, but most likely he will stay with his wife. I know you love him and can't imagine a life without him, but you have to right now. You're both obviously in marriages that aren't working. This is where you need to focus your efforts right now. If you're so in love with him wouldn't you want him fully devoted to you? I thought so. And if he truly loves you, then he'll want to be with YOU and only you. For your own health, well-being and safety, stay away from this right now. If there's any hope for the two of you, it will be later on when all the issues have been dealt with and all the pain has healed. I wish you all the best.
39926
Take this from my experience.  Move out and let yourself heal and your children too.  You will be lonley, but the time alone will allow you to think of what you really want and it take this time to spend with your children. You need to take care of YOU and your Kids most.
595155
I wish that I could tell you a wonderful answer where everything will be great, BUT I know how you feel, I was an abused child and married when I had just turned 17.  Well he started reminding me of my Mother before long.  I had no family, no one but his family as my friends, I had no place to go, so I stayed, It became very clear that he didn't love me, but I was so afraid.  But after 19 years I packed up and left, scared out of my mind, but you know what even though it was hard, lonely, I learned so much about myself, most of all I learned that life is to short to spend it with someone that makes you so sad, and doesn't treat you like a lover, friend or partner but more like something that they bought and paid for like an old car, then it is time to build a life that can be happier than you could ever imagine.  Even small things can make you smile or just laugh out loud especially when you have always been controled or felt like you were going to get in trouble for.  Like I would leave the bed unmade, didn't have to cook, and on Sat. morning I would lay in bed until 2 if that is what I wanted to do.  And I will tell you when you can go and come when you please and you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself, you too may find that life can be happy and full of good, instead of a life filled  with mostly bad and a little good every now and then.  Please take it from a woman that has been there no one can do this for you but you.  And somethings are so worth the risk.  And remember this, I had a friend one time tell me how stong I was, when I said no I am weak, she said look at what you have already been through, anything else should be a breeze.
441346
Sometimes people do get stuck.  But in the same breath some just get comortable.  Through personal experience I have found that the more you enable a man to be lazy, shiftless, and not do much, the less they will do.  If you accept him not helping out he will think that is ok with you.\n\nIt is hard with children, but they should not be made to suffer just because there is a grown child in the home who doesnt want to work and help out.  It is financially a bad idea for you to allow him to stay at home.\n\nMy fiance went to college and held a full time job just to make sure things at home were taken care of.  I also worked, even throughout my pregnancy.  With three kids, we needed all the money we could.  \n\nI left my ex first for all of the reasons you had listed above.  I no longer wanted to be around such a hateful person who didnt help.  I deserved better- so i left ang got better.\n\nmost people never realize how good they had it until it leaves!
205262
I hate to say this, as I am from a poisonous family, too, but the rot starts at the root. The first thing you have to do is get away from everyone and sort yourself out. That means cutting everyone off. Good and bad. It's like a drug addiction. A heroine addict can't get off the junk and live in the same neighborhood. \n\nFirst step is move away. Get a new home, apartment, tent, whatever. Get a new phone number and e-mail address. When these folks contact you, and they will, tell them very politely, that you need to straighten out your life for a while and that you will contact them when you are able to.\n\nStep two. When you have made a clean break, seek professional help. You cannot do this alone. You have been part of a disfunctional, abusive cycle probably your whole life. Time to end it. \n\nStep three. You'll know what to do when you get there and no one can tell you what it is or how to do it. It's a little different for all of us.\n\nI began at step two and went to step one and back to step two and bounced around like a ping-pong ball. Now I'm ready for step three. Good luck to you. I hope you are as successful in your journey and adventure as I have been in mine.
369065
Be alone for awhile. You need to figure out what you want and need. Sounds like you are trying to pressure yourself to pick. You don't want to make a choice you will regret. Just take some time to sort it out. You need time to let your husband go (if that is what you choose), and get your foundation again. Think of your kids too (I am sure you are), as this will be confusing for them just with their parents separating. You will feel better about yourself and your decisions if you get out on your own for awhile. Stay strong, I wish you the best.
446565
My wife and I divorced when our sons were 5 and 2 1/2.  It was a miserable experience.  The divorce was painful because I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere anymore.  There was no normality.  Even more painful was not being with my sons everyday.  The hurt will not disappear overnight.  You probably don't want to hear this but it just takes some time.  One thing that will help is to maintain a civil relationship with your ex, but while the hurt is still there try to restrict your conversations to the children.  As for the children, do whatever you can to make sure you have as much time with them as you possibly can.  Focus your energy on making sure they know you want them around and that your home is also their's and they aren't just visitors.  I know the pain you are feeling and my heart goes out to you.  This won't make the hurt go away completely, but it does give you something to sort of hang-on to that is positive.
284747
Go back to your therapist. Also look for a single-mom support group near you or online, (email me if u want!) Trust me girl I know from the bottom of my heart. My ex husband ASKED me for a divorce while i was in school. But I pulled through, we struggle every day but I thank God for my true friends that have held me up. If you are suicidal you definitely need to talk to someone. Biggest thing you can do is make it an absolute priority to take time for yourself. Put the baby to bed a half hour earlier and go take a bath, turn on a workout video, chick-flick, whatever, have a glass of wine, paint your toenails...anything you want as long as its just for YOU. Remember a happy mom makes a happy kid...NOT the other way around.
667642
He is getting to live his life, not only without parents but he has a whole new freedom he has never had before. I bet is he just has to get some things out of his system. I would let him go. Put things on hold to let you two live life apart for a while. From the sound of how strong you guys are everything will be fine. The saying, "Love is like a butterfly, let it go and if it is meant to be it will come back" is truer then ever in this senario. He is learning and seeing alot of new things and probably wondering if there is something else he should be doing with his life. He will experement with different things, realize nothing is better then what he has at home and come back. It is nothing agianst you, it's just someting people have to do sometimes. If he doesn't do it now, he may do it later and it could ruin your relatioship forever. My husband decieded to do it a couple of months AFTER we married, and if it weren't for me realizing what he was going through, I'd have left him. I almost did regardless. But I decieded to see if he had really come to the truth that it was me he wanted, he had and 5 yrs later, we're doing great. But it caused a lot of unnessary strain and stress on the realationship. If you really love him and want it to work, let him do what he needs and don't hold anything agianst him later. He'll come back. Good luck
114390
I am in that situation right now. I had a one night stand and got pregnant, which I was told I could never have children. The guy and I got together but we weren't in love. We made our bed so we are lieing in it. It isn't our son's fault that we didn't use protection. Besides I am happy I had my son. We feel that even though we are not happy, in order for our son to be whole with a happy life, that we are sacrificing our happiness. Divorce is really hard on the children and being raised by a single parent is sometimes difficult. All my son's friends are being raised by a single parent. Most of them come to our home to eat dinner and get dessert which they don't get at home. They hang out at our house cos their parents are out on the weekends trying to find another mate. One has gone down the wrong road, the other misses home cooked meals, the other one misses his dad doing father-son things even though there is visitation. If there isn't any abuse involved, I would say stay until they are out of high school.
412934
I am kinda in the same situation.  I am from Michigan and we are in California right now.  I am not happy here and I miss my family.  Our kids are here with us but I think it is going to come down to me leaving him.  I just want to do whats best for our children. They don't like it here either. I don't think he will ever go back there. I am just praying about it so maybe you should do the same.
319876
If it has become more than you can handle, then the choice is made.  Yeah, I know everyone wants you to do the noble thing and suffer a lifetime of misery, plus if you leave, you'll be the bad guy.  Hey, it's your life.  Just be true about your feelings and do what you've got to do.  Life is short for us all, so find your way to happiness either in this relationship or out, but don't just keep on keep'n on for no purpose.
248663
Please listen. He is NOT all you have. He has taken away your self esteem and your willpower so that you think that but it is not true. You have the strength to make a wonderful life for yourself. There is someone out there who will love you and protect you. Get to a shelter immediately. They have counselors who will help you. If you stay in this situation, it will only get worse, much worse. Bless you and get going.