I met my childs father 6 years ago we dated for two years then split up, have kept in contact over the past four years and it hasn't been the best years.. he was into drugs drinking, loose women, and other equally bad and sometimes worse things, while we have kept in contact i have not seen him in 3 1/2 years, i have always kept the hope alive that we would get back together, about 9 months ago i gave up all hope and moved on with my life, now he is acting completly differnt he moved awway from the people he used to know, has a full-time job and hasn't done drugs in over 3 months, he still drinks and smokes but i can deal with that... i'm just wondering do men realy change? could he have gone from that bad to this good? he calls me in the am just to leave me voice mails saying he loves me and to have a wonderful day...is is for real? or real fake?
126329
Go to him and find out. Men CAN change, no matter how rare or how many people say its impossible. He is... was... your husband, and deserves chance to show you that he still loves you, and to try to fix his life. We all deserve a second chance.
370058
You keep doing this to yourself like most of us do, we think that this visit will change her/his mind.  You are right though, it isn't going to happen.  I think that right now some of things that help me are focusing on others.  I chose to volunteer on days that seem to be the hardest on me.  I forced myself to do things that I blew off while I was in this toxic relationship.  I blew off my friends, I didn't give my 100% to my job, family etc.  You need to do things now that you really enjoy that did not involve your ex.  You really need to stop visiting your ex.  If you were a recovering alcoholic, would you go to a bar? If you were trying to stop smoking, would you go hang out in a smoky bar?  STOP seeing her.  You are so right about going out to find someone else. Right now all that would be is destructive.  If that didn't pan out, you would be heaping more hurt on top of this hurt.  I don't know what you can do to keep her off your mind.  I still haven't found the answer to that one.  I don't know if that is possible.  All I know that you should keep yourself busy doing things that are productive for you and others.  First things first, quit seeing her. Cut all ties.  This is the only way the healing will begin. Good luck.
637562
Maybe it's time to move on.  If he doesn't want to take your suggestions on how to make the relationship work, then maybe he isn't trying hard enough.  My relationship w/my daughter's dad got worse after I had her and I really struggled to make it work. After I realized that he wasn't doing anything to make it better, I decided to end it. It was hard and I cried alot. But you know what?  I got over that pain. I shudder to think what my life would be like for my daughter and I, if we were still together.   \nOr maybe after some time apart, you will two will become stronger, or you may realize it would be better to go your separate ways. At any rate don't waste time trying to make things better if he isn't doing the same in return. It doesn't make any sense that he would not talk to you if he moves out. That wouldn't prove anything.  He needs to decide if we wants to be a part of our life or not.
314473
I've been on both sides of this. I lost my mom when I was only 4 years old. My dad remarried almost right away. I was too young at the time to say anything. But later he divorced her and started dating again when I was like 12 years old. None of my siblings were happy about it. We wanted our dad to ourselves.  Well, they got married. We haven't always liked her or got along. But, my dad is happy and that's all that mattera. I've been on the other side too. I dated a man who had two teenage kids. Him and his wife had divorced recently. The kids did not want their dad to date. They made life very difficult and caused me a lot of heart ache. I really liked them and just wanted to get to know them. In the end I simply couldn't do it anymore and I left. He's dating again but I think he's talked to his kids since then and they are a lot more accepting. Moral of the story: If they make your dad happy try to be happy for him. I'm sorry for your loss.
372737
13 years is a really long time.  I don't think you are giving yourself credit because it has only been just a year. I am not sure about running out to meet other women is the best way.  I think that just makes a person vulnerable to more hurt.   I think that if you look over the year and think about how you were right after the 2 of you divorced and where you are at now, I bet you see that you have made  progress.  Time does heal it just may take a little longer for you so don't be so hard on yourself and I do believe that in another 2 months you will be even a little closer to smiling without faking it.  It has been 4 months for me since I had any contact and it has been a very happy time for me.  Somedays better than others.  I decided to volunteer my time on a day that seems to be the hardest for me.  I also got back in contact with the friends I blew off while I was seeing this person who was so toxic.  What a waste of my time on this earth.  You will eventually heal, I am holding on to that belief myself.  Good luck.
155309
I think he may have gotten scared, a baby is alot of reponsability, im sure he know's that and maybe he felt like he had to get something out of his system before settling down. However! be very carefull about letting him back into your life, you don't want to get hurt again but your baby does need a father. If his " calling hoes and bitches" is something you can get past this time i say give it another chance for the baby's sake at least but make it a point to tell him that this is it and either your gonna be a family or your not but you arent gonna out up with him cheating on you, you wouldn't be respecting yourself and he for sure wouldn't respect you if he did that! Good Luck:)
341730
he's acting like that because you are going to be divorced soon and I bet he is married.... just from the way he is reacting, so move on dear - and give yourself time to heal completely before trying to get into another relationship. (you have to resolve all the issues that lead to your failed marriage - if you don't you'll drag that old baggage into another relationship.) If there was anything there you two would of met in person.... you talked for a long time without meeting and that should of told you something about him. (I've only met one man online who wasn't married and he was honest with me about his personal life and that's the man I'm married to! We talked for about 2 months and then we met in person - he helped me with coming to Canada to meet him.... and we "clicked" - and got married 3 months later! We have been married for 4 yrs. as of Sept.28th).... While I was single and chatting with men online for years --- they all turned out to be married or living with someone(with whom they had kids with).
434917
I think you're blowing this way out of proportion. UNLESS he murder, tortured or deal drugs to kids or worse then I don't see how bad a thing he could have kept from you that would warrant a background check. I my wife were to do that I'd dump her and try my hardest to get custody of our son.\n\nI would have helped giving you an answer if we knew what it was that he lied about.  For a few years I lied to my wife about a girl I had dated when I was secure enough with our relationship I told her. She was a little takeb aback but quickly got over it. I claimed to have dated a really pretty girl she new in passing but in reality we were just friends. You my wife is very beautiful and I don't consider myself handsome at all. So I was insecure with regards to her physical attraction to me. So I lied to make myself look better. It was silly and stupid but I did want I thought was right back then. This was 14 years ago and we are now married with a beautiful 7 year boy.\n\nTry and get some perspective on the lies and see if they're worth getting worked up over and maybe putting your marriage at risk.\n\nGood luck to you.
493807
This is quite typical.  Coke "givers" don't EVER have really true friends who use with them... despite quite emphatic claims to the contrary made by most of those "friends" he's supplying.   So I give you credit for admitting at least that to yourself.  But more hard honesty is needed I'm afraid.   Just because you manage to go a few weeks without using it, doesn't mean you're not addicted yourself.  If you find yourself thinking about it, and desiring it, and doing something you otherwise wouldn't in order to get it (i.e., going out with him) then you've got your own level of addiction brewing, and the sooner you admit that, the better off you'll be.  We're talking coke here, so... do I really need to point out that you're ultimately just trading sex for drugs?  Newsflash!  He doesn't love you either!  Coke is absolutely and unbelievably addictive, so don't be too quick to make him out to be the bad-guy.  He's the coke "giver" -- knowing he can't "catch" you without it -- that probably being the closest concept he has to actual "love".   But you are the USER -- and fully responsible for completing this little equation.   Getting out of an addictive relationship can be torture for ANYONE.  Adding cocaine to the picture, and thinking you can do it yourself is just plain naiive.  Use your wisdom, get some help, and completely CUT OUT OF YOUR LIFE ANYONE WHO USES COCAINE.  That's why cocaine is such a problem... because it's such a social "thing".   Ask any truly recovered addict, (if you can find one) and they'll tell you... All those people they thought were their friends??  They were nothing but users.
285671
Is he an alcoholic? If so he has worked hard to stop. If not I think you are over reacting. He didn't drink for 3 years. I think you should give him an other chance. He came and told you he has been drinking. Give him credit for his honesty. Tell him why you don't want him drinking. If you really love each-other, you will work it out.\n\nGood luck.
59314
Wow. That's a long time. I'm sorry for your separation. I know it must be difficult for you. My parents separated when I was a baby and I never met my real father until I was 16. In fact he never communicated with me and only kept up with my progress through his mother who my mom stayed in contact with all through the years. I wrote to him and told him I would like to get to know him and it meant so much to him. He wrote me a very touching letter that let me know he regretted not getting to see me grow up and let me know he would give anything to spend time with me. He moved within the year from his home in California back to his mother's hometown in North Carolina and we visited back and forth from my home in Virginia for the next five years until he died in a tragic house fire. I was so very, very thankful for the time I spent getting to know him and the rest of his family. I learned that I inherited many traits from that side of the family and the oddities I thought I had were simply that I was more like his side of the family than my mom's side. As we get older we all want to know about our past, our roots, our history. If you are open and honest in your communication with your son I have no doubt that he will be thankful to get to know you. It might not feel like the traditional father/son relationship, but you will have your own unique relationship as my dad and I did and I will treasure it forever. My only regret is that he did not live to see his grandchildren. Just open your heart and let him know how you feel. Good luck!
141957
I don't know why you put up with that kind of treatment my lady.  First thing, if you have not yet done it, is to give up your drug habit.  Next, get rid of him completely.  He is a bad influence and you will not be able to reestablish your life again until you rid yourself of bad influences.  There is nothing wrong with starting over\n\nI also would suggest that he, and maybe you, get some treatment or at least see a doctor about depression.  I am a depressive and I know that I have felt the same way about myself and asked my wife the same questions, and often depression is masked, or dealt with at least with alcohol and/or drugs.  In my case it was alcohol.\n\nDo these things, a rehab if necessary, but at least a circle of people who you can talk to and share your problems with and get the support you need to help you along the way.\n\nYou are not masochistic, you are probably depressed and just need to feel better about yourself and get your life back on track.  You have taken the first step by reaching out for advice, that proves you want help.  I wish you all the luck and perserverance in the world.  remember, you are not alone.\n\nPeace and love
644722
I understand what it is like to live with an alcoholic and it sucks.  I don't know why I let it last as long as it did (5 years).  He took off on a weekend too and I had no idea where he was, but to make matters worse my car was in the driveway but waiting for him to fix it and as for my motorcycle, he purposely took my key so I couldn't go anywheres (lived way out in the country on a dead-end road).  He constantly made promises with the kids (we each had one) and broke them because he was drunk so I had to do the promised things with them by myself.\n\nIf he is indeed changing then give him another chance.  You need to stop thinking about the other guy.  Do not talk to him or see him for the next few months at least.  See how it goes with your bf at home.  You may have to take the kids and leave for awhile.  But don't jump into anything new yet.
664883
I spent 10 years with my first love who did NOTHING but accuse me of cheating. Even after two kids and finalizing my faithfullness with MARRIAGE (which I regreat every day of my existance) YOU dont have to do a DAMN thing to prove that you are what you are, faithfull and a proud mom. Look at how awesome you are with providing for your kids no matter what curve ball life throws your way. It took me to 6 years to stop my putting up with his claims and accusations that I finally dusted myself up one day and realized, (1)How the Hell am I going to keep on putting up with this and (2) why would I put my kids through this? They are such incredible sponges and you are their role in relationships, family and love. My last straw was relationship counseling, that brought out alot of hidden insecurities that I never knew he had as well as shed some light onto several of his accusations. He actually WAS cheating for awhile and guilt wouldnt let him life it down. After 2 months of "trying for the kids" I left. Me and the kids got our stuff together, I fought for full custody and I havent been happier in a long time. There is a sole mate out there for you and HE will FIND YOU, not that you have to force it to happen just because you had kids with the guy. That is the worst reasons. You are making it alone (emotionally, and financially) you can do it without the added pressure of his stupidity. I have all the faith and prayer in the world on your side and you can get through this. You wont be alone, You will be Happy and Stress Free With Your KIDS. They need you. How old is your youngest? How old is your oldest? Dont hesitate contacting me for questions or advice. My heart goes out to you. PrncssNiki@yahoo.com
297033
My Dad went to Jail for two years...Mostly drinking and driving related.  I was seventeen when this happened..It hurts to see someone you care about in trouble.  I Love my dad soooo much but be carefull..and make sure your taking care of yourself..This guy may or may not learn from his mistakes..Don't let him drag you down..even if you do love him.
10438
I would probably leave him or ask him to leave.  Tell him when he gets his sobriety and stays on a regular program, you will consider taking him back.  It's not good for the kids and it's not good for you to live with the results of another persons addiction.  You can't fix him, that's his choice and until he makes it you need to look out for those babies, and for yourself.  Good Luce
433295
think he has a drug problem, and honestly lucky u kept your job and didn't put too much credibility into the move. u may love him but staying with him will only bring u down also  where he is. he won't talk to u because he don't want to be accountable, and he doesn't want help, or changes. he will keep doing the same things, and he is putting your credit in jeprody.this kind of man will always blame others and never take responsibility for any of his actions. there is nothing u can do to make it any different, if u stay with him your hurting yourself, and your son. get out now before it gets even worse. he can't be trusted or helped until he is willing to come clean with whatever it is that's causing this. it is a pattern of behavior with him, loosing job's, not being responsible with money, he will destroy you. u still have your son and your job, be happy for what u do have. odviously his marriage and job's are not really a priority.