Story line: Middle age overweight couple decides to use $ to shape up instead of Hawaii trip to surprise their daughter that is in college.  Funny trials they went through to have hair plugs, plastic surgery, exercise, etc.
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Was it the Out of Towners?
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Nice one fidgety .Reminds me of this one!\nWhen their marriage went through a rocky patch, a young couple went to see a marriage counsellor. The male counsellor listened while the wife outlined her grievances,the principal one being that her husband neglected her.\n"We've only been married two years," she said," but he never seems to take any interest in me. He never shows any affection. It seems as if he is bored with me already."\nThe husband simply shrugged his shoulders,so the counsellor decided to take drastic action.He went over to the wife and kissed her passionately. As the wife slumped back into her seat in shock,the counsellor turned to the husband and said:"Your wife needs that at least twice a week."\nThe husband replied:" well I can get here Tuesdays and Thursdays."
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Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.\n\nLena to that guy in the boat: All my life, everybody has seen me a certain way. What do you see?\n\nBridget to Carmen: So um, are you gonna put them on yourself, or are we going to have to do it for you?\n\nBridget to someone at her moms funeral. I think it's Carmen: Hold my shoes for me. I think I'll run home\n\nCarmen to the lady selling her the dress: And unlike you and your daughter, she has an ***!"\n \nCarmen to her dad: I feel like an outsider who doesn't even belong to you anymore. Tell me dad, are you ashamed of me?!
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I take it, that you don't want to stand up all evening, so I will give you a fairly short one.\n\nThe First Date\n \nA boy decided to have a dinner with his girlfriend parents. \nSince this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. \n\nWell, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. \nThe pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. \nHe tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. \n\nAt the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. \nThe boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all. \n\nThat night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. \n"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!" \n\nThe boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. \nThe boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. \n\nA minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. \n10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. \nFinally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious." \n\nThe boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."
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A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.\n\n"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years . . .\nthere's nothing you can't tell me."\n\n"This one's kind of strange . . ."\n\n"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.\n\n"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and\nheard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water\nwas full of pennies."\n\n"I see."\n\n"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there\nwere nickels in the bowl."\n\n"Really?"\n\n"That night," she went on, "I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there\nwere dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me\nwhat's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits! "\n\nThe gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there,\nit's nothing to be scared about."\n\nYour just going threw the change, \n\nHope that could cheer you up some!!!
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Yeah it's an alright joke.... but this one's better I reckon\n\nA husband and wife had a small child, so for when they discussed makin' lurv, they used the codeword "washing machine" instead of sex.\n\nSo one night at about 2 in the morning the husband's feeling all randy, so he gently shakes his wife...\n\n"uhhhh, it's late what do you want?"\n\n"Washing machine" he whispers.\n\n"Washing machine? I'm half asleep, go back to bed!"\n\n"Pleeeaaasssee honey??" pleads the husband.\n\n"Argh! I'm serious Jack, I've got a busy day tomorrow so go back to sleep." and with that she rolls over.\n\nAbout 10 minutes later she's still awake and starts to feel bad, so she rolls over and nudges him...\n\n"Alright, I'm awake. Washing machine?"\n\nThe husband snorts awake and replies, \n\n"Huh? Oh... don't worry. It was a small load, and I did it by hand..."
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there wuz a family of a mom a dad and a young boy around 4. they were on vacation and while they were there the mom and dad wanted to visit a nudist beech. so not to distroy there sons view of art they told him that the men with big dicks were dum and the wemon with big boobs were dum. they were all there having fun but sum how they had gotten seperated. well the mom found the son and asked "have you seen your daddy" and the son replied "yes i just saw him, he was toking to this REALLY REALLY dum blonde and the more they toked the dumer and dumer daddy got.
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lmfao, ty... that was very funny... however, because I am very tough on ratings in general (makes ya wonder why I'm married to who I'm married to and why I've let myself go over the years, cuz I would only give myself a 4 or 5 right now)\nI give it only a 7.5 only because it is a little see-through.  However, a very funny joke.  Thanks.
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4 High School friends meet at their High School Reuion. Then the fourth High school dude goes to bathroom and the others start to talk about their sons...---\n\nHighschool Dude 1: You know my son? I'm so proud of him 'cause he was so successful. He became so rich that he gave one of his best friends a 2-million dollar Mansion for free!\n\nHighschool Dude 2: Really? My son's made me proud to. He's became so rich from acting and gave his closest friend 2 free Hummer H2's.\n\nHighschool Dude 3: Even my son got rich to. He won the 8 million-dollar Lotto and he bought his friend a private yatch and plane.\n\n---The fourth Highschool Dude comes back from the bathroom and overhears them talking about their sons. So he began to tell them about his son.---\n\nHighschool Dude 4: Yeah, well, my son hasn't been as successful like your sons have. He's gay and works at a gay stripping joint for a living.\n\nHighschool Dude 1: What a shame.\n\nHighschool Dude 4: No, not really. He lives in a 2-million dollar mansion, owns his own jet and yatch, and owns 2 Hummer H2's which were all given to him by 3 of his Ex-boyfriends
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here's a good one that isn't too short. \n\nA blonde and a brunette are watching the news, where a man is going to jump off a building. The brunette says "I betcha 10 euro that he'll jump". The blonde says "I betcha 10 euro that he won't". So they accept. \nThen the man jumps. The blonde starts to give the brunette the money when the brunette says "I can't take your money, i saw this on the 5 'o' clock news already". The blonde says "Yeah, I saw it too, I just didn't think he'd jump again"!!
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Not graduating from college. \n\n\nI also regret not loosing the weight I gained at 25.
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here's one for ya\n\nCheer's\n\nBlond on Airplane\n\nA blond was traveling to Huston by airplane and decided that since she was "beautiful and blond" that she would sit in first class event's her seating assignment was in coach. When the stewardess came but checking boarding passes she said to the blond that she was sitting in the wrong seat. The blond refused to change, so the stewardess went to get help. The other stewardesses couldn't get her to move ether. The captain came out and said that he had a blond wife and that he would handle it. The captain went over to the blond and whispered in her ear and the blond immediately got up and went to her seat. The stewardess asked what he said and the captain said that he told her that first class didn't go to Huston!
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1\n\nFresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.\n\nInstead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."\n\nWilling to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.\n\n"How long will this take?" she asks.\n\n"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.\n\nThe wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"\n\n"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"\n\nHe lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again..\n\n\n2\n\nMan driving down road.\nWoman driving up same road\nThey pass each other\nWoman yells out her window, "PIG!"\nMan yells out his window, "B.I.T.C.H!"\nMan rounds next curve\nCrashes into a huge pig in middle of road.\n\nThought For The Day : If only men would listen. \n\n\n3\n\nThe mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's \nhouse. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her \ndaughter-in-law standing naked by the door.\n\n"What are you doing?" she asked.\n\n"I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the \ndaughter-in-law \nanswered.\n\n"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.\n\n"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.\n\n"Love dress? But you're naked!"\n\n"My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it \nmakes me \nhappy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home \nfrom \nwork any minute."\n\nThe mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the \nway \nhome she thought about the love dress. When she got home she undressed, \nshowered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door. Finally \nher \nhusband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.\n\n"What are you doing?" he asked.\n\n"This is my love dress" she replied.\n\n"Needs ironing." he said.\n\nHEHE>>HAVE FUN 2 YA GUYZ READING
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little johnny is at school. the teacher asks. \nif you could have skin of any kind what would it be?\nWilliam puts his hand up.\nWilliam: id have gold skin. I'd go out in the sun and when i peel, I'd melt it down sell it and buy a Porsche.\nteacher: very good.\nPaul puts his hand up.\nPaul: id have platinum, go out in the sun and when it peels, melt it down and buy a Ferrari.\nteacher: very good.\njohnny goes next.\njohnny: I'd have pubic hair.\nthe teacher is confused.\nteacher: why would you want that?\njohnny: well, my sister only has a little bit and you should see the cars parked outside our house.
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Joke\n------\n\n4 High School friends meet at their High School Reuion. Then the fourth High school dude goes to bathroom and the others start to talk about their sons...---\n\nHighschool Dude 1: You know my son? I'm so proud of him 'cause he was so successful. He became so rich that he gave one of his best friends a 2-million dollar Mansion for free!\n\nHighschool Dude 2: Really? My son's made me proud to. He's became so rich from acting and gave his closest friend 2 free Hummer H2's.\n\nHighschool Dude 3: Even my son got rich to. He won the 8 million-dollar Lotto and he bought his friend a private yatch and plane.\n\n---The fourth Highschool Dude comes back from the bathroom and overhears them talking about their sons. So he began to tell them about his son.---\n\nHighschool Dude 4: Yeah, well, my son hasn't been as successful like your sons have. He's gay and works at a gay stripping joint for a living.\n\nHighschool Dude 1: What a shame.\n\nHighschool Dude 4: No, not really. He lives in a 2-million dollar mansion, owns his own jet and yatch, and owns 2 Hummer H2's which were all given to him by 3 of his Ex-boyfriends
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=A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" \nOver the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. \n\nOne day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. \n\nLittle Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" \n \n\n=A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him. \n"I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol." \n\n"Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober.' \n\nQ:How do you embarrass an archaeologist? \nA:Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.\n\n \n = A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. ''Hello there,'' says the man, ''and what is your name?'' \n''Hello,'' giggles the woman, ''I'm Stacey. What's yours?'' \n\n''I'm Jim.'' \n\n''Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??'' \n\n''Sure!'' replies Jim, ''Let's go!'' \n\nSo Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. ''Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,'' Jim says. \n\n''Yes? And what about it?'' asks Stacey. \n\n''Is it your brother?'' \n\n''No, it isn't, Jim!'' Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband. \n\nWhen he finally asks, ''Is it your husband?'' \n\nStacey giggles even more, ''No, silly!'' Jim was relieved. \n\n''Then, it must be your boyfriend!'' \n\nStacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, ''No, silly!!'' \n\n''Then, who is it?'' Jim asks. \n\nStacey replies, ''That's me BEFORE my operation!!'' \n \n\n \n= One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work. \nWay up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?'' \n\n''No, I guess not,'' says God. \n\nThe priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one. \n\nSaint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?'' \n\nTo this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?'' \n \nQ:What's the first thing to come out of a man's penis when he has sex? \nA:The wrinkles! \n\n\n=Once a lady wanted to leave the U.S.A. but couldn't get a visa. One day, she met a man who told her not to dispair. \n"l'll let you sneak aboard my captain's ship and take you to France, but you have to screw me every time I bring you food, okay?" \n\nShe accepted, and for about three months the guy brought her food and water and then she screwed him. This went on for about 3 months, at which point she was discovered by the captain. The captain asked what she was doing and she said a man was taking her to France if she screwed him every time he brought her food. \n\nThe captain replied, "He sure is screwing you - this is the New York Ferry."\n\n\n=Yo' mama so nasty, I asked what was for dinner and she spread her legs and said "Crabs!"\n\nQ: What do a Texas tor
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The bride walked down the aisle of the church toward her awaiting groom.\nPlease cancel my last order.\nThe student asked the math teacher for tutoring, as she could not figure it out.\nMany fossils are thousands of years old.\nThe large, barking dog really freaked me out.\nElton John is a gay man.\nI got this straight from the source.\nThe seeds were interspersed with the fertilizer.\nHer drink order was Patron silver tequila straight up and neat.\nWhen I win the lottery and become independently wealthy, I will quit my job.\nThey traveled to a secluded little cabin for their honeymoon.\nThe tire tracks of the truck were a very big clue in the murder case.\nPlease do not type all in caps, as it is presumed that you intend to yell.