My husband and I have been married for nine years.  We have one daughter together who is 6, and I have two daughters from previous marriage. We have been stuggling for years now with problems over money, and my husbands non-ability to have a loving relationship with my older two daughters. We have a marriage of convenience, and that's all.  I do care about him, and worry how he will handle things with losing us, however we have no relationship left other than the ties of our young daughter. We haven't slept in the same bed for five years, and intimancy is something I try to avoid at all costs.  He does not trust me in the least bit, as I often have to "sneak" money for things the kids needs, or even dinner, as he has control of the finances because I am not good with money.  I truly believe in my heart the only way to be happy is to be on my own for once, maybe I'm a co-dependant type, not sure, it's just I've always had somebody.  Problem is, I feel like total shit over my decision.
137148
Even though you know it is the only way for happiness, you feel guilty due to regret.  You regret that things had to end, that there was no happily ever after, that things didn't work out and for love lost.  This is all normal so please don't beat yourself up over it.\n\nThe guilt will pass in time.  I wish you my best and hope you find the happiness you want and deserve!
71807
I fully understand your crisis. My EX-HUSBAND of 10 years went into the military and we basically kepted in contact by phone. He would also come home once in a blue moon and finally after completing 5 years in the Air Force, he one day surprised me by appearing at the door step. Our daughter was 5 years old at the time and I had already built a complete seperate lifestyle without him. I was working full-time and a student along with caring for our daughter, home, bills, etc. \n\nUpon his arrival, I felt so claustrophobic and found myself everyday becoming more and more frustrated. Even my boss pulled me aside and told me about the change in behavior. AND I dropped out of college, just couldn't function. Finally, after (1) year living together...I hate to say it..BUT, I left him and went back to what I knew...went to what truly made me happy. Today, he's re-married and very happy with the women who worships the ground he walks on. I don't regret what I did one bit. \n\nI'm not telling you that the easy way out of a situation is to just walk away. BUT, from the sound of things, not only are you not thinking of having a family, but second guessing on living with your husband. Apparently, you are not ready to give up your privacy nor space. A marriage counselor would be suggested in this situation...but at the same time, YOU have to also sit back and soul-search, because only YOU know what your heart desires.\n\nI would suggest that you speak with him and in a hurry, before allowing yourself to be unhappy in this marriage.   Do yourself a favor and break it to him gently. Because as a married women age (35), within a year, you will end up looking (50) from stress, frustration, and unhappiness.
447393
I know it's hard, believe me! It's not something you get over in one night, or one year. It takes alot of time and you have to ask yourself if you are willing to give yourself that time? Is the marriage good now? Is it worth working on? Your wife needs to work on rebuilding your trust. Is she willing to do whatever it takes to help you along with this? It really seems to me that she is, because 20yrs is a long time that you both have invested in. I know you are in pain right now, your wife has been in pain for the last 10yrs thinking about what she did and has lived with knowing that one day you would find out and maybe end the life she really wants. And that is to be wife and a mother to YOUR kids. I am not making excuses for her because what she did was wrong! I know you need validation right now and you have every right to feel that way. You (I am sure) are a great dad. So for right now, focus on that. Time will heal...I promise!
69080
you sound just like me. i'm trying to work things out but i know the end result will be me leaving. i just want to be able to say that i gave it my all and totally mean it. sometimes we just outgrow them. have you ever tried to start some sort of hobbie with each other or do a date night? maybe that will get something going for you. i tried that. my husband didnt even care to go through with any of it. he just agreed to it and never did it. i'm writing a book on my horrible marriage. as soon as i get enough crap for my book i'm out. its not worth it to stay.
599137
Stacy,\n\nWhen you've spent as much time with someone you love as you have and during that time also struggle together through various dependencies then even those struggles become things we tend to hang on to, despite the bad times associated with them. They become a connection to what we learn to perceive as our own reality so we hang on to them because we find hope or security in them even when that apparent reality is in fact not healthy or secure at all. You've made changes in your personal life obviously to discard some of those dependencies while your significant other has not. Yet you hang on to the one dependency that in the last 5 years has been a constant in your life and that is him, his very presence of being there close to you, touchable and reachable. You still see each other, you sleep together and you do this because you choose to look past his unwillingness to change. Why? Because for you, despite the past, you still try to find hope in a situation that seems to never offer any in return and you can't see yourself either giving up or drastically changing your life to leave it all behind. Maybe this is because you feel you have put so much into it and because by still being with him in certain ways it allows you to believe it may all change. Or, maybe you're just afraid to look to a future of starting over and rebuilding your life without him. Starting over can always be a scary proposition for any of us and just taking the first step is the most scary of all. Not unlike when a child pulls themselves up to the coffee table and for the very first time takes that single step without holding on. We risk falling down but if we measure our risks to minimize the fall then we find security in that and pull ourselves up and take another step. Reading all that you've written and having somewhat experienced similar situations I would be inclined to believe that for you to move on, as you want to do, you truly need a whole new start. New surroundings, new friends and new opportunity and again in my experience I've found the best way to do that is to put distance between myself and the past somewhere new and start fresh in life. Maybe this is for you too or at least something to consider. Scary thought? Sure it is but for someone who's obviously been through as much as you have then I suspect you're a strong young woman who is more than capable of doing so. I will hope for the best for you and should you need a friend in the future then all you have to do is reach out.\n\nBest Wishes Always
584791
I know how you feel.  My husband used to be the same way.  It is a horrible way to live, isn't it?  Just remember that he has a problem and needs help.  Divorce was not an option for me so I stuck it out, hoping that he would change.  He did.   With a little maturing, antidepressants (for both of us I might add) and patience, we made it.\nI always wanted the kind of marriage my mom and dad have.   Loving, caring for one another, laughter and respect.  It took many years, but I finally got it.  We have been married 29 years this year.  It was soooo difficult though.  But well worth the wait.  Please try to talk to your husband about antidepressants.  It really helps my husband not be so angry and irritable all the time.  If you don't feel like you take it anymore (and I know how that is, too)  talk to someone.  It can help more than you realize.  If I can help in some way, please send me an e-mail.  I would be glad to listen.  I didn't have anyone that I felt comfortable enough with to tell all the sorted details to.  Didn't want mom and dad to know how bad things really were.  Good luck and I will say a little prayer for you and your family....:)
599102
Honestly, I'm not a marriage counselor or even close to it.  To me though, it sounds like maybe you and your husband aren't as connected on an emotional level if you ask me (which you did, haha).  Maybe the reason you feel this way for someone else is because you've lost those feelings for your husband.  I know it's hard, after marriage and two kids, but it's important to stay physically, emotionally, and mentally involved with each other.  Just try things like going on dates with your husband.  Try to reconnect with him and remember all of the reasons why you married him.  Maybe your husband has a great personality, wit, and a beautiful mind also.  Maybe you just need to remind yourself of it.
287586
Being married to my dear husband gives me such a sense of fulfillment and belonging. We have been married almost 20 years and are more in love than ever. It means we can rely on each other no matter what. We have been through some seriously difficult times but have always been there for each other. I don't know what I would do without him. I tell him he is my knight in shining armor. We have our disagreements, but they are much fewer in number now. We complete each other. Our marriage is a blessing from God!
209962
Hey, you know, I am kind of in the same boat as you are, except for I have pretty much gone through having to hear my ex-husband cry to me every single time that I spoke with him to let me know how much is missed me.  I have two young boys with him, and believe me, it has been really hard, but thanks to my dear boyfriend who I now love a lot I have made it through.  I have been thinking about living with my boyfriend too, as my divorce will be in June, but it seems like I can't wait that long.  I don't know, but I just know that women seem to want things done much quicker and we don't like to wait to get what we want.  I would say to do what your heart tells you to do.
593961
My husband and I at the same point in our lives..I am 37 and he is 36...My clock is almost finished ticking...I too am scared....(I don't understand why especially when 17 and 18 year old are having babies).   I find it especially hard when my friends and I get together...they all talk about their children and well I talk about my two dogs...I do feel uncomfortable...at times.  I think about having children on and off....I always put it off by saying it's not the right time or 'I say next year'...  I am happy at this point in my life and not sure after 17 years of marriage that a child would be a good idea...I just don't know...My husband says he does not want any children...but I do know he would make a great father....It is a hard choice  that I need to make quickly and I will have to make it soon  or time will run out....
322091
My heart feels for you and your family.\n\nFirst of all, I believe the problem is not really about where you are going to live.  You've stated that you love your husband with all of your heart.\n\nIt seems to me that your husband may be going through a very difficult time emotionally since his father is very ill, and since he's back in OK, the place where his roots and heart was from, emotionally, I think he's not prepared to leave OK.  Sounds to me he might be emotionally really upset with the possibility of losing his father, and he's clinging on desperately to what he's most familiar with - which is OK.\n\nI think that over time, you will win over his understanding and he's probably going to arrive at a point in time where he'll be ready to leave OK.  It's just that he's not ready NOW.  \n\nI think maybe if you really truly love him, love him with all of your heart.  Be there with him.  Your love is not about the geography.  Your love is about HIM, is it not?  \n\nSometimes, in life, it takes time.  Everything is a process.  With your husband in a fragile emotional state, he's pushing all the wrong buttons in you when he displays no desire to leave what he's desperately clinging onto - his home and life in OK.  He's hoping his father will not die.  He's scared silly his father will die.  I think he might be scared of his own mortality too.\n\nIf you can find it in your heart to do so, I know I'm just a stranger to you.  But, if you can LOVE him with all you have, then do so.  LOVE him.  Sometimes our love for each other really CHALLENGES our very souls because it triggers the worst fears in us.  But, it can also bring out great strength and love in us too.\n\nDon't let what should be a temporary situation in life be a life altering permanent decision just because of the fragility of the human emotion.  \n\nYour picture with you and the children - your children are beautiful.  I too have children.  If I had the chance to love my husband - I mean to really love him in this way, I would do so.  \n\nSadly enough, I won't have that chance again.  Save yourself and the children from more heartache - unnecessary and foolish.\n\nDon't worry about whether you are in OK or in Montana or Seattle.  I loved Montana when I visited, and I too am from Seattle.  But, if I had a man that I could say was my husband that I could love with all my heart, I wouldn't care much where we were...because it's all temporary.  \n\nThis time will pass, and you will be able to move again.  Don't worry.  Don't be too hasty in your decision.\n\nGood luck and God bless.
9181
This is a great question.  I will await all the answers.  I have the same question( except the marriage part-but we've dated for almost 6 yrs now, and have a planned 7 month old baby).  It hurts me, also. For me, it's also a trust thing. You feel like you don't want to leave the house ever. It makes me feel very trapped and stressed.  I don't mind him looking at it once in a while, but I'd rather he looked at it when I was around and included me in stuff like,  " Oh hey.. look at THIS! teehee" or whatever.  Good luck. I've talked to my boyfriend about this, and he just doesn't get it. I'm glad there are others out there that feel the same way. My boyfriend has slowed down considerably, and hides his tracks much better, now, but it doesn't stop the fact that I don't trust him while I'm gone.
134936
Let's see...you married a man who had failed at 5 marriages before you, right? And I assume it was always the woman's fault that the marriage went south, right? I suggest that you have learned, hopefully, a very expensive lesson...people do not change, regardless of how much you want them to. I am sorry, but where were you when all this money was disappearing? Where were you when he was living high on your expense account. Your were "smitten??" I think the proper word for it is, "you lost your mind." NOw, pay your bills and go one with life. Not much else you can do. But I would hope that your are much wiser in the "from now on" than you have been in the "way back then."
218566
Eight years is a long time to let go of. maybe she just needs some space. Try separating for a while. It seems that you both still have feelings for one another. Seems like she feels lost. I know, I'm going thru the same thing with my husband. I feel like I've lost myself. I'm not the same person I was when we first met. Give her some time. I'm sure she'll re-evaluate your relationship.
478230
Yes...I was married for 18 years and the last few years felt like this all the time OR didn't want to be at home when he was there.  As hard as it was I realized it was because we had outgrown each other and weren't making each other happy.  We have since separated and are living our own lives.  We are MUCH better off as friends then we were as a married couple.
362434
Basically, I think your mother is right. It is your job as a parent to protect both your children.  This situation is not good for either of of them.  This is your husband's father but If he is not able or willing to stand up for his children then you will have to take a stand with both your husband and his father.  He may feel more for one child than another but he should never let the children know that he has those feelings.  I brought two daughters into a second marriage, had three more children and my in-laws never made any difference between them.  It never occurs to my five children that they are anything but full blood brothers and sisters.
645903
No its not wrong! I was with my husband 10 yrs and had 2 lovely kids,we got married then within 18 mth of the marrage he slept with 2 others and moved out! He said he felt diffrent since we married and to tell you the truth so did I! we are working through stuff but we both agree that we wished we had left things the way we were! If you's are happy why take a chance and spoil things? Good luck to the both of you!!