My wife asks me, "Did you stop sleeping with your secretary?"\n\nMy secretary says, "Have you stopped beating your wife?"
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When a friends young daughter broke her leg, the social worker asked her "when was the last time she was here?"\n\nBy the way, it was for her birth
44102
The host of a fancy-dress party answered the door to find a middle aged man standing there completely naked except for a pair of briefs.\n"What are you supposed to be?", the host asked.\n"Premature ejeculation." the man replied confidently.\nThe host frowned, "I don't get it - all you're wearing is a pair of Y-fronts." \n"Exactly!" the man declaired, "I've come in my underpants!"
260448
yeah OK I have a great 2 jokes for you here but be prepared that they are somewhat well just wrong hehehe ok here we go! enjoy!\n\n#1- A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife,so he went to a psychiatrist,who told him he needed to build self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness.\n   After reading the book on the way him,he stormed into the house and declared, "I want you to know I am the man of the house,and my word is law."I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight.THen after dinner,you are going to draw my bath so I can relax ,and when I'm finished with my bath,guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?"\n           His wife responded, "THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR."\n\n#2-A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey,could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now"He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light" NOw does it look like I have a G.E.O Logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."\n   Well then,could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right". To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have WestingHouse written on my forehead? I don't think so"."Fine," She says "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break".\n"I'm not a damn Carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps." "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so.I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!"\n   So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.\nHe starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife,and decides to go home and help out.As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed.As he enters the house,He sees the hall light is working,the fridge door is fixed.\n"Honey, How'd all this get fixed? She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried.Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.He offered to do all the repaires,and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."\nHe said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "HELLOOOOO..... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"\n\n#3- A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vagina lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze.Out of emabarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.\n  A wakening from the anesthesia after the surgery,she found three roses carefully placed beside her bed.Outraged,she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"\n   The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this by yourself."\n   "The second rose is from my nurse.She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."\n   "And what about the third rose?" she asked.\n"Oh,that rose is from the man upstairs in the burn unit.He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
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My joke of the day:\n\nRumsfeld is reporting to the President and the cabinet. He says, "Three Brazilian soldiers were killed today in Iraq."\nThe President says, "Oh, my God!" as he buries his head in his hands.\nThe entire Cabinet is stunned. Usually George Bush shows no reaction whatsoever to these reports.\nJust then, Bush looks up and says, "How many is a brazilian??"
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ME ME ME lol\n\nher is the joke ..hope u like it\n\nThe FBI had an opening for an assassin.\n\nAfter all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists.\n\nTwo men and a woman.\n\nFor the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.\n\n"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.  Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.\n\nKill Her!"  \n\nThe man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."  The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.  Take your wife and go home."\n\nThe second man was given the same instructions.\n\nHe took the gun and went into the room.  All was quiet for about 5 minutes.  The man came out with tears in his eyes,  "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."\n\nThe agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."\n\nFinally, it was the woman's turn.\n\nShe was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room.  Shots were heard, one after another.  They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.\n\nAfter a few minutes, all was quiet.  The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow. \n\n"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
77066
would have to be having sex to my then wife on my boss, well everyone was one.  Did I mention I am military, oh and the next day he just laid his sandwich on the desk nothing underneath. I laughed
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Would you like to come home to a new wife?\n\nIt's like sleeping with somene new, except you're not cheating.\n\nWhen the guys see her photo in your wallet, do they stare?
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Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.\n\nInstead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."\n\nWilling to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.\n\n"How long will this take?" she asks.\n\n"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.\n\nThe wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"\n\n"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"\n\nHe lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again..\n\n\nMan driving down road.\nWoman driving up same road\nThey pass each other\nWoman yells out her window, "PIG!"\nMan yells out his window, "B.I.T.C.H!"\nMan rounds next curve\nCrashes into a huge pig in middle of road.\n\nThought For The Day : If only men would listen. \n\nHEHE>>HAVE FUN 2 YA GUYZ READING
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There,s life in the old dog yet fidgety!\nAn old retired Colonel was invited to a reunion dinner and halfway through the proceedings he rang his wife.\n"Agnes,this reunion is turning out more than I bargained for.They've got naked girls dancing on the tables and then giving their favours to anyone who's interested. What do you think I should do?"\nShe replied,"If you think you can do anything you'd better get home straight away."
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A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor\ntakes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes\nout the window. He immediately tells her to undress. After she\nhas disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. \n\nAs he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm\ndoing?"\n\n"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or\ndermatological abnormalities."\n\n"That is correct," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her\nbreasts.\n\n"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he asks.\n\n"Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast\ncancer."\n\n"That's right," replies the doctor. He then begins to have\nsexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know\nwhat I'm doing now?"\n\n"Yes," she says. "You're getting herpes, which is why I came\nhere in the first place."
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A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:\n\nTo: My loving wife\nSubject: I've arrived\nDate: October 16, 2004\n\nI know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Hope your trip is as uneventful as mine was.\n\nYour loving husband.\n\nP.S. It sure is freakin' hot down here!\n\n\nAnother one: If girls with big boobs work at Hooters, where do girls with only 1 leg work?\n\nIHOP!
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A middle-aged woman seemed sheepish as she visited her gynecologist.\n\n"Come now," coaxed the doctor, "you've been seeing me for years . . .\nthere's nothing you can't tell me."\n\n"This one's kind of strange . . ."\n\n"Let me be the judge of that," the doctor replied.\n\n"Well," she said, "yesterday I went to the bathroom in the morning and\nheard a plink-plink-plink in the toilet and when I looked down, the water\nwas full of pennies."\n\n"I see."\n\n"That afternoon I went to the bathroom again and, plink-plink-plink, there\nwere nickels in the bowl."\n\n"Really?"\n\n"That night," she went on, "I went again, plink-plink-plink, and there\nwere dimes and this morning there were quarters! You've got to tell me\nwhat's wrong with me!" she implored, "I'm scared out of my wits! "\n\nThe gynecologist put a comforting hand on her shoulder. "There, there,\nit's nothing to be scared about."\n\nYour just going threw the change, \n\nHope that could cheer you up some!!!
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Now, Now!!  Mr. P.D., did you let your wife read this?  LOL. LOL.  ......I bet Not!  LOL.\n\nGood one!
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B: they both are drived by a woman!
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Bob was sitting across from his wife, Marlene, reading the paper when he noticed a story about a beautiful actress who was engaged to a football player known for his stupidity and penchant for fighting.\n\n"I'll never understand why the biggest jerks get the most attractive women," he said to his wife.\n\nMarlene smiled at Bob. "Why thank you, dear."
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How is this:-\nDick Cheney walks into the Oval Office and sees The President whooping and hollering. \n"What's the matter, Mr. President?" The Vice President inquired. \n"Nothing at all, boss. I just done finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!" The President beamed. \n"How long did it take you?" \n\n"Well, the box said '3 to 5 Years' but I did it in a month!"
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A white bloke had a Jamacian work mate, \nOne day he asked him "Is it true you Black guys are better in bed than us whites, and if so can you give me any tips?"\nThe Jamacian replies \n"Yeah , you whites are too eager to get it over and done with, take your time, two long slow stokes follwed by two short quick stokes followed by two long slow stokes and so on. \nThat makes em scream every time"So that night the white bloke starts making love to his wife,two long stokes, two short stokes two long strokes ect ect..\n Eventually he asks his wife\n "do you notice anything different dear"