My husband has been out of work for about 3 months, (out of his control, not his fault to loose job).  He is looking for a new job like crazy, but he hasn't found any leads.  I am working full time, making more money than he can (because of my expertise), and it is about driving him crazy to be a "house husband'.  It is affecting his self-esteem, and also affecting our marrage.  I think he's depressed.  So, my question is, what can I do to make him feel good about himself?  What kinds of things can I say and do to support him thru this time? How can I help him feel like a "real" man.  Any men with suggestions, or women who have been thru similar situations, please help!  Thanks.
138768
Whatever you do, dont give him too much pity! A man likes to feel in charge, he wants to feel like he is valuable, maybe you should suggest some little projects he could do around the house; upon his accomplishment of a project you should reward him ;). Try not to talk about his feelings or what you think about his situation too much, no doubt he is thinking about this all the time, let him know you will be there for him no matter what, not verbally to much, but just by your presence, the ambience of a woman is very nice to a man, but dont talk about the current situation too much whatever you do! your conversations should be future-looking, and if he doesnt want to talk, please respect that!
553135
I'm the one with depression in our marriage, and I can tell you it is a tough situation from both sides. But we have been married for 26 years and the last 5 years have been our happiest, so don't give up.\n\nYou say that medication used to help your husband. It sounds like he needs to change his medication if what he is taking no longer works. That happened with me - after a couple of years on one medication or a combination of medications, they didn't seem to work any more. Then my doctor and I would have to try a different medication or combination of meds. Sometimes it would take two or three tries to find the right one.\n\nIt is not an easy process, but don't give up on your husband, and tell him not to give up on himself. I know *exactly* how he feels, believe me.  But in order to feel better, you have to *do* something. And that's the hardest thing in the world when you're depressed. But for the sake of your loved ones, and most of all for your own sake (this is speaking to your husband), you have to do it - go see your doctor, go to your therapist, whatever might work.\n\nGood luck to both of you. Feel free to email me if you like.\n\nP.S.  Here is a support site that has message boards both for people with depression and for families and friends of people with depression:\n\nhttp://wingofmadness.com/
8132
1.  If you are having problems in your current relationship that you just run away from, they will come back on you.  Get counseling before you do something irrevocable.\n2.  It's not fair to your husband to dissolve your relationship without giving him a chance to make it work better.  \n3.  If you really feel that you should be single, price out how much it will be to leave your husband.  Can you get a place to stay that is safe and affordable?  Will your husband be able to stay where you live or are you going to force him to leave his home?  \n4. If you leave, do you have any single friends?  How are you going to meet these mythical lovers?  Are you being realistic in your expectations or are you daydreaming about finding the perfect lover?\n5. You say you want "freedom".  What kind of freedom are you looking for, and could you possibly find it within your marriage?  And if you can't get it within your marriage, why do you think you can get it outside of your marriage?\n\nWhatever you do, I recommend a book called "Recovering Love", by J. Richard Cookerly.  Ignore the subtitles, the book is really about what really makes marriages work.  It will help you and your husband rebuild your relationship if you choose that path, and it will help you choose future lovers better if that's the path you choose.
27772
I felt the same way alot! This may seem strange to say but maybe he should have his testosterone level checked. That is the age it gets low and my husband had those symptoms and that's what it was. Also, what do you need to talk about. I needed to talk about how to fix problems and my husband took unpleasant issues that we needed to discuss as wanting to start an arguement. Also men don't need the connection quite as much as women do I think. It is so hard to live with. There are so many women that are going through the same thing. Maybe there should be e-harmany for women who need to get connected with other woman in the same situations so they can go out, have fun and complain about their husbands. A support group or something. Just leave him on the couch and maybe take some classes and do fun things for yourself before you think there is something wrong with you. It is him not you. He should see a doctor to rule out a medical condition. He may also be suffering from depression. Have you sat him down and in a nice, loving way tell him your concerned about him and NEED his imput? Write him a letter of how you feel if he finds it hard to sit and listen to converstation. Good luck! My husband got treated for low testosterone and depression and it got a whole lot better. If he refuses to even try, leave. There is no point in being unhappy. Life is too short. Live life either way. Alone but married, or alone and not married but open to finding someone else and hope you find someone else. Some people tend to relax and not try to please the other person after awhile also.
512571
omg!!!! you have been sitting at home for the last 30 years, how did you do it, I take my hat of to you,how have you manged to stay sane........so now is the time for you to change, and get out there and do things, find a club, a women's club, look up a old friend, go to the movies, get your confidence back, get your life going again, i am sure you can do it, bet you have been the best wife ever, so know its your time. I think that your husband has been a bit mean, so you need to show him, that you are not going to put up with this any longer, and if he do sent start spending time with you, then you are going to make your own life, life is to short, and its a beautiful world out there, we just need to get out and find it.  There is nothing worse than feeling alone, even when you are married, its sad..........so sweetie get out there and do things, start of by going to the movies.........good luck and god bless.
242706
Wow, you're doing a wonderful job just by hanging in there. Your family is lucky to have you. \n\nBut yes, you will exhaust yourself trying to keep the family afloat alone (basically), and without anyone meeting your emotional needs.\n\nWhat your husband doing is very common for men. I know I can drift that way as well. It's hard to deal with the pressures of work, then come home and "depressurize" to meeting people's emotional needs. Chances are he is not skilled with relationships anyway, so it drains him to try.\n\nThis is not an excuse for his behavior. I'm simply saying it's understandable and common. Ultimately, he needs to change his priorities and realize that you are giving far beyond what is fair and that you can't do it forever -- you have needs as well. \n\nI think he thinks he does love you, but he's not "getting" that his actions aren't showing you any love at all.\n\nIs there any clear end in sight to his study/work schedule? Sometimes you can just let thing go, if he has one or two semesters left. If the end is far away or you can't see an end, then you need to fix things now.\n\nYou can't force him to talk, you can just give him opportunity. Ask him general questions about how his day went; don't push if he doesn't want to talk much; he'll see it as "nagging" (he'd be wrong, but that's how he'll probably perceive it). \n\nTell him the BASICS of your day, rather than tons of nitty-gritty details (those things will overwhelm him). If you can make conversation seem less overwhelming or intense for him, then maybe he will eventually open up.\n\nIs there anyone he is close to, whom you can confide in and who can talk to him? You don't want to manipulate, but he does need to hear that, although he is definitely doing good by working hard and studying hard, you and your son are dying inside and need his presence more than his work ethic. He needs to reprioritize things.\n\nYou also need to ask for 15 minutes of his time. Tell him, without pleading or begging or sounding angry, that you are proud of what he has done and how hard he works; and that you want to be as supportive as you can; but that even if he doesn't understand why, you feel completely alone and that your son misses him too. You can't live in such an emotionless vacuum. Something has to change. Your marriage is suffering.\n\nSet some practical time boundaries -- small at first if necessary, of what you need. Decide with him what things you need help with and how he can help.\n\nHe's going to have trouble shifting gears. I hope that he listens to you and senses your support for him, as well as how much you're hurting; and this will motivate him to change. He will not give you everything you need and deserve at first, but that's where he's at right now and needs time to change. \n\nHe might need advice from others who have been in his situation before. Some things will not be obvious to him.\n\nBless you for hanging in there and trying so hard to keep your family going.
199305
what do you do as a job? i found that i had to change my attitude in a lot of different areas of my life. i don't know exactly what i'd suggest for you since i'm not sure what type of work you do. are you religious at all? that is something i got away from and i found myself sinking deeper and deeper into anger and despair. have you talked to your doctor about it? i have had to stay on an antidepressant. my family has a history of depression. sometimes we just have chemicals in our brains that are out of whack. it is hard to deal with life if your brain isn't working properly. i have made myself always look on the bright side. i dont' know you, but as a starter, you can be happy that you have a roof over your head and at least some type of employment. i honestly know how you feel. please don't consider killing yourself. i don't know how many times i made passive/aggressive attempts to harm myself. i was wreckless and i did not care at all. it's an awful feeling. i really suggest you talk to a doctor. psychological sickness is the same as physical sickness. some people do not understand that. there are methods to heal yourself. please talk to someone. i'll say a prayer for you.
429049
Hi, has he always been like this or is it just the spell you've been arguing.\nMarriage is hard work and needs constant nuturing from both sides to feel loved by the other side.\nSome people (men and women) have difficulty in expressing themselves, is this your husband?\nIf so, maybe you accepting this as him and noticing the other ways he does express love will help, but there is nothing like a hug and hearing how we are loved so do understand where you are coming from.\nA husband and wife will either knit together over the years or move in opposite directions (like my ex and I) but for it to work you must be moving in the same direction. \nTalking to him and continuing to express yourself, your love is all you can do really, and hope he hears you before you change, because you will in time.\nMaking time for those special moments will also help, there is always another little trick we can pull out the hat to surprise him, reveal another mystery about yourself-try it-remind him of why he got with you. ;)\nJust keep trying until he either wakes up or loses out with the woman he fell for and married, I wish you both luck xxx
249018
OMG, i know what you mean, my house is a wreck and i feel like all i do is cook and clean, so how does my neighbor with 5 kids have a spotless house and well-behaved kids and still find time to do fun stuff.... ??? i was stay at home and now i have a job, its hard either way.....\nAnd when hubby doesnt help... i am too darn tired to be meeting him at the door with anything lol\n\nPlease email me when you find out :) \n\n((((((HUGS)))))))) i don't feel so alone now...lol
289871
I understand what you're going through. I've been separated from my husband for about 15 months now. I'm "lucky" enough to have a good, single girlfriend that urged me to go out clubbing with her on the weekends, so I didn't just sit at home. However, I didn't get into any relationships, as I was hurt so bad and I had been married for so long.\n\nTo 'satisfy' my physical needs, I used/use 'toys' and read erotica. Emotionally, it has been much more difficult. I started chatting online and made a lot of 'friends' and had a lot of fun 'flirting'. Gradually I began to recuperate and realize life will go on.\n\nTHEN a very unexpected and wonderful thing happened. I hooked up with a wonderful man online. I wasn't looking, and there he was. We have been developing our relationship for 5 months long distance, and are making plans to meet in the next few weeks. \n\nI have no idea if this will help you, but as time goes by it WILL get better!
166872
As a guy, I know that I want to be the one to give my wife what she wants. I don't want to be nagged, or reminded of how I messed up and didn't give her what she needed. (not to say you are doing this, but some women do) I think you need to back off. Let him miss you a little. Start doing things you enjoy with friends, or by yourself. Let him want to join your club. Or do something hot and freaky, and keep him coming back for more. Either way this should open things up.
351110
Congratulations on the dramatic weight loss!!!!!\n\nMy guess is that your husband is probably feeling a little left out.  What guy wouldn't, if you devoted that much energy into your weightloss.  Especially if he's used to you paying more attention to him.  Or maybe he is like most guys that have been married for a long time.....\n\nWhen we are together for a long time, we sometimes forget to keep flirting, dating, and making the extra effort to treat our partners like out #1 choice.\n\nWe sometimes tend to get a little self-absorbed with our own problems, obligations, and responsiblities.  We forget to actively try to fulfill out partner.  We assume that out mere presence fulfills them, that since we are there, then they should feel loved.\n\nWhen a new hobby, child, project, or habit moves in (in this case, your weightloss) then sometimes they feel slighted.  We forget that our perception of something is not exactly out partner's intent.  We react before giving them a chance to clarify their intent.  We assume that they meant something rather than just asking them.\n\nAnd sometimes we forget to pursue them like we did when the relationship was new.  When a relationship is new, our bodies go into overproduction of certain feel-good chemicals (adrenaline, dopamine, norepenepherine, endorphins, etc) and we feel that rush........which usually lasts for about 36 months, unless we take measures to stimulate those chemicals to be produced.\n\nAfter 36 months, that chemical overproduction usually subsides making way for new chemicals that promote long-term acceptance and comfort.  Kind of the way our metabolisms slow down by age 30, and we need to make extra effort to stay the same size and shape.\n\nThis is when it starts to take longer for our bodies to respond to each other, and we may even thing the fire is gone, or that we are no longer in love.  Big Mistake!\n\nSometimes, when one partner makes extra effort to take care of themselves or look good, then the other partner feels threatened, insecure, like they should be improving themselves, too (but they lack the motivation to).  It's like pulling the rug out from under them, once they got comfortable with the way things were.\n\nYour best bet is to not go tell him how you feel, but to change your behavior. guys are not socialized to talk about feelings, and often don't know how they feel.   Guys are more actions-oriented.   If you change your behavior, then he will automatically respond differently to you.\n\nRemember his ego needs.  We all want the same things from others, but guys especially are sensitive to things they would never ask us for or tell us about.\n\nRemember to appreciate him, to respect him, to challenge him, to admire him, to need him, to pursue him, flirt with him, treat him like you think he's sexy and deirable, that he is skilled and powerful, and sought after.  Treat him like your #1 choice, and that you are lucky that he loves you.  Do this daily.  Give this freely, without exception or conditions.  Even when he's a crabass, take the high road, and love him anyway.\n\nTry to walk in his shoes.  Tell him how you think he must be feeling once in a while.  Even if you're wrong, just guess how you would feel if you were him.  It shows him you are aboe to see beyone your own perspective.  Seek to understand before expecting to be understood.  This is how you teach him how to treat you.  He learns how to do the same with you.  You inspire him to act differently by modifying your own behavior.\n\nHe might possibly be feeling intimidated by your drive and your success, and maybe a little inadequate or emasculated.  Let him know that he's the man.\n\nIt would be self-defeating to let your self-worth be determined by his approval.  Don't change yourself too much to try to please him.  Make him come to you with what he needs, and be willing to give it to him.  Chances are he just wants to be the man, to be powerful, attractive
380729
i know the feeling believe me....(((sigh))) but we cannot make this men want us like the way we want them...you just have to get over it...yes it's hard but it doesn't leave us any other option than that...\n\ndon't make yourself miserable and prove to yourself that you are worth more than that man...it's his lost not yours...allow yourself to mourn for your heartache but don't indulge yourself in self pity...try out new things or maybe you can pick up that old hobby you have already forgotten when you were busy loving this man...cheer up and something good will definitely come your way, just be patient and believe!
428413
You need to ask him becuz i dealt with this same issue with my bf.  At first, i just got on here and asked the same question.  then, I said, you know what i am going to ask my man.  I asked him that same night and he told me that he was depressed and had too much stuff on his mind in regards to his life.  Read my blogs and see how that is going....he may be worried about something that is going on at the job or something, but guys wont tell you unless you ask
296740
Hey, \n\nI don't know if 'I can really be of much help cause I myself am not married, But I really am sorry for what you are having to go through. I just want to say that if you are not happy anymore and if you don't think things are going to work don't put yourself through that, cause it will make you start to feel more hatred towards him and make you miserable. It is normal for women to feel insercure when having to start over after that many years, but I don't think you will have any problems finding someone to love and who will love you back. If you don't try how do you know? I am a cosmetologist and I have many clients who are going throught the same thing and none of them regret there choice of leaving. Go pamper yourself get a makeover and make your self feel better then get out there and have fun. That's what they are doing. You may feel like you won't make it but trust me on this one you will be just fine. I hope this helps you! And sorry I couldn't be more help, but as much as you hate to hear it you are the only one who can make you happy!
546453
Tougher than you would think isn't it? You have to take your turn. Try to get enjoyment out what it makes him feel like. Just mount up and watch his face. I promise, you are making him feel better than anything in the world. Remember that and just smile because at that point he has no control over himself and it's all because of you. Work it girl. He will follow you around like a puppy. When it's over just lay there and smile but don't let him know why. When you figure out what you do to him and the control you have when your on top, you won't be able to wait till you can do it again. Don't forget about yourself, he has to take his turn too. Then he gets to watch you too. Cool huh? You wont need luck with this one. It is one of the secrets of life.
194156
First I have to say that kunjaldp's comment was completely uncalled for!  You put your question in the wrong section, but SO FRICKING WHAT?!  If he labels every person who ever makes a tiny little mistake a "loser," then my guess is that he's a really pitiful excuse for a human being and he'll be really lonely (if he isn't already) because NOBODY will ever want to have anything to do with him -- and guess what -- that makes HIM a LOSER!  OK, now that I've gotten that off my chest, let me answer your question.\n\nI have to let you know that I was in the same situation a few years ago.  I'd been with a man for 11 years (he was unmarried) and I was emotionally tortured by his escapades with other women, which he didn't even make an effort to keep secret from me.  I wasted so much time trying to figure out how to make him faithful and how to make him love me enough to treat me the way I longed to be treated.  When it started affecting other aspects of my life (I wasn't sleeping well or eating right, which, in turn, affected my job performance), I sought counseling.  It took a little while, but I finally came to realize that I deserved much better, and as long as I was with him, I was never going to be happy.  Loving somebody shouldn't make you miserable.  After some work on myself in counseling, I got the emotional strength to leave him -- the best thing I ever did for myself!  Yes, it hurt like hell at first, but the good news is that the pain was only temporary.  If I'd stayed with him, I would have been in emotional pain for however long I remained with him.  And a bonus -- I was free to live my life the way I wanted and to meet somebody else (which I did).  Now I'm in a very stable, faithful and incredibly wonderful relationship with a man who treats me like a princess!  So, my advice to you is to first get some counseling to work on yourself (not the relationship) so that you can gain the self confidence and strength to do what you need to do (which is leave the man).  From there, a whole wonderful world awaits you -- you'll see.  Good luck!