help me! i married the wrong man at 19 years old?
954247
Hi Charlie, well you and your man have both survived in this relationship for this long, have you learnt all you need to know from each other?  I think most people reading your question will see that you want out.  It could be easy to say maybe you have some post natal depression but it sounds like it has been bad for a long time.  I found the first six weeks with my first baby one of the most difficult in my life, it was like a slap in the face, so I can only imagine how hard it must be without the support and love you must be craving at this point in time.  \n\nStill, this is not about sympathy or feeling sorry, my answer is about being strong and moving on.... I can certainly relate to staying in a bad relationship with a man with a violent personality, getting together with him when you're both too young to know any better, changing the way you behave to keep a peaceful atmosphere in the house, doing what you can to keep him in a good mood etc.  You said it 'i thought id found the one' - you haven't. He isn't the one for you and you are not 'the one' for him, he needs some time on his own to learn and grow from his mistakes before he moves on to his next relationship, don't buy into any rubbish about suicide.  You care greatly about this man, and he knows it, just decide that you will not be manipulated into staying with him.  \n\nI believe you know what is best for you and your baby and I don't think you have any room for a needy, immature, selfish, bad tempered man in your life, even if you  love him.  I understand that you can feel for him, most likely a great deal of sympathy has replaced the attraction and love you once felt, you need to let him go.  You will be doing him a favour in the long run because he will then have the opportunity to learn. I also understand that it can seem safer and less scary to stay in a bad situation that is familiar than start down a path of the unknown, but your unknown has some certainties...freedom to be you, freedom to dress as you wish, freedom to see your friends, freedom to speak, freedom from fear, freedom from manipulation, freedom from guilt.  You owe each other nothing, you may feel you have made mistakes and the wrong decisions (many people have) but none of it is really wrong if you see what you have learnt and gained from your experience.\n\nI just want to add here that you must not base any of your decision on what others may think.  All those people who may think you are happily married, the people who may have given you presents at your wedding, his friends, your friends, parents, family etc.  It doesn't matter what they think.  What matters is that you create a positive environment for you and your baby.  If others understand and support you, that's great, if not keep focused on what you want.  My understanding of your question is that what you want is the freedom to be you, to live without fear, to live without the guilt and manipulative behaviour, to live as an adult making your own decisions, to not feel alone. \n\nIt was the last thing you wrote that prompted me to write.  You deserve to feel love.  I know being a new mum can be a very lonely place in itself, so I really want to encourage you to hold on to your courage and move on.  Even though you will be in an emotional turmoil write down an action plan for leaving and what you will do once you do.  Join mothers groups, plan time with your friends, contact support places, plan to do one nice thing for you each day.\n\nThe question you asked was 'has anyone else been in my situation?'  My answer is yes.  I hope that by reading supportive answers that you feel even just a tiny bit less alone.  Others have been there, and life can be all the better for what you have learnt, what you now know.\n\nGood thoughts and wishes to you.
293081
I married the perfect guy, but I still feel something for the man I was suposed to marry. I've contact him after 11 yrs and he is still mad at me, besides we have an ocean between us, and I dont want to leave my hubby! wilmary69@yahoo.com
910381
Someone else has agreed to marry is a*s with that hangingon his fridge?  Carry on and keep on.  Ignore him.  The more good influences in a child lives, the better. \n\nGood luck and good for you for leaving his sorry butt.
1039019
my wife was 13 years older than me....she had a problem with it...i didn't, sadly to say we are no longer together...she mistakenly thought i would prefer someone younger.So now i have lost her because of her false way of thinking.
93932
If I am right. You are 34 yoa.  With a 9 year old son. My guess is, that your husband was one of those who thought the grass was greener on the other side. But don't let it get you down. My guess it was not your fault. Just a nother dumb male. You are better off with out him. Your son will do the most suffering. But you can handle that too! First look and find or let him find you a nice gentleman that is looking for a relationship. Make sure he and your son hit it off as well as you and him. Then let nature run its course. When one door closes another opens. It won't be long and you will be the happiest woman in the world. Take care and good luck.
1106383
You showed him that you are not totally over husband and not strong enough (or smart enough) to leave him and go on living a normal happy life.  Divorce him. Talk to W and tell him that you defiantly do not want anything to do with H and see what happens. Just be real with W. If he still strays then wait for the next Ideal man to come along. There are plenty out there sister. Been there 2. Walk away and never turn back to your H, it's not worth your life. Hope all goes well and take care.
1080971
Get out as fast as you can. He will have to pay child support. But he isn't faithful & why have your children grow up around a man who messes round.\nYour happiness seems to NOT be important to him.
358780
Trust me at 19 you are gonna wish you had dated more, i was in a similar situation.  They guy and I dated for 4 or  rs although he was a good guy there was no motivation or goals I found out on my own and ended up leaving him for someone else. You have to ask what is your future with that person and is your family going o ever accept him?
313234
Well, I'm glad you too love other. But both of you are far too young to get married. You see, even adults make mistakes in marriage when they rush into these things. So, I would suggest that you keep your friendly relationship until both of you are adults. By then, you will be more mature and can decide whether you want to spend the rest of your lives with each other in love. So, hang on together and wait another 4 years (at least). Good luck.
369438
RUN!! Trust me, I've been there, I dated a guy for 2 years who was like that and it was a huge mistake on my part. But I let him control me to the point that I wouldn't even leave him when he told me not to. Don't get in that situation. You'll be very miserable. I'm now with a wonderful guy who I'm getting married to in a couple of months. So great guys really do exist, so you don't have to put up with jerks!
573341
In my opinion you do not want to marry this man but you feel like you have already invested too much time and you have a kid together so you probably will anyway.  When a man accuses you of cheating, he is usually the one who is cheating.  I didn't really want to marry the first time and it only lasted five years.  If you don't want to marry him, don't waste 5 years of your life being married to the wrong man like I did.  Look into your heart, only you know the answer, but if you are not happy with him, don't marry him.  Good Luck.
260928
Hmmm.  This is a tough one.  I can only give you a little bit of personal advice...take it for what it's worth.  I dated a man (and I am not proud of this by ANY means) who was in prison (for fleeing the police.  I know, I know. Please don't judge...I was young and stupid!) I went into this relationship thinking that I would be able to change him. That was the biggest mistake I ever made.  I've learned that no matter how much you try, that person will never change unless THEY want to.  If he doesn't want to change, it's not worth your unhappiness to stay with him. Life is too short to put up with the bulls*it!\n\nOn the other hand, have you tried talking to your man about these issues?  Does he know how you feel?  He may be willing to listen.  Maybe you will need to compromise with him.  Maybe he will be willing to change his ways if you're willing to change a little too.  I'm getting married in November and have come to realize that the only way a relationship will survive is if both people give a little and take a little.  Just be honest to him, and to yourself.  Go with your gut feelings.  Afterall, it's YOU that really matters in the end.  Good luck!!
452042
youre married. right, email him why not? you missed your ten years then rebond again but talk to him. make sure he respect you as a fren and only a fren. youre married remember that. and be happy for him if he has a soulmate already
534696
just one word of advice! You sound young, i got married at 19, and am about to get divorced (i'm 20) we rushed into things wayyyyy too fast. We barely knew each other well enough to move in together and be married. Take things slow! Stay engaged awhile!
154410
marry him!!\nowh wait..before that..\nfirst of all..only you can sort this out..if you think you can cope with problems you may face..(due to the 'no qualifications' thing)..then you should indeed marry him..\ni advise you that its the best anywayz..but ever heard of this?\nwhen poverty knocks on the door,\nlove and trust flies out the window..\n\nmake your own decissions..age is no issue!~
976646
u should keep Ur personal life away from Ur professional life. don't mix them up & as u said that he is 42 and married then u should not think that way.\nhe is secured in his life & if u have a relation with him in future with his consent even then ur relation as well as ur future will always be insecured.\nthe right way is to forget him & wait for the right person to approach u.
1155785
You are 17, when I was 17, now 27, I was madly in love and thought I had found the man I would spend the rest of my life with.  We stayed together for three more years and he cheated on me twice and beat me up once.  I'm not saying that all guys will do that, but when you're 17 you have no idea who or what you or anyone else will turn out to be.  Don't rush into marriage.  Find out who you are and let him find out who he is and if it's meant to be, it will be.