Is it better to have a father whoes a raging alcoholic and extremely abusive or not having a father at all?
964744
Be on your side thats all that matters. I haven't had a father for 27 years and I am 27. My mom made the smart choice and got out. My sperm donor is a raging alcoholic and hasn't changed to this day. So I can say I am better off that might make me sound bad but I can honestly say my life has been better without him.
570187
Hey I've been in that situation.  Sounds to me like the guy has a very big control issue.  He doesn't want you to have a life other than the kids and him.  I am telling you from personal experience.  It doesn't get any better.  The question is, are you willing to have no life at all, or are you ready to spread your wings and fly.  You are not doing anything wrong, so either he is doing something wrong to put the thoughts in his head that you are doing something wrong, or he wants complete control and when you go out, he is losing the control.  You need to be very careful in this situation, because it can and probably will turn violent.  Protect yourself and your children.  Right now, it is only verbal and mental abuse, but it will turn into physical abuse with not much provoking.
599457
Leave.  What example does this set your children for their adult lives. If you have a daughter, would you want her to stay with a violent and abusive man!  If you have a son, would you want him to become an abusive and violet man!  Worst still...Would you like your children to grow up without a mother!  These are possible scenarios that could happen.  I think you know what you must do.  You need to be strong for your children and break away.  There are people and places to go that can help you.  Be brave and make that first step to a brighter and happier life!
191787
Absolutely.  If his father is a drug dealer, than he is always running the risk of being involved in violence.  Users will do anything sometimes to get their drugs, including violence.  I used to deal drugs when I was a teenager, but I grew up and found the Lord.  I would never put my children in that situation.  I would say keep him away from his father as much as possible.  Kids are smart.  Don't expose your child to lifestyles that you don't want him to grow up and live in.  Plus, on top of that he is abusive....make the smart choice for your child.
696018
I think your concerns are legitimate, and I think it's a good idea to consider carefully whether you want to let this abusive man back into your lives.  (I assume he abused you and the kids based on what you said.)  I think that people can change, but you should look for evidence that he is really serious about changing.  Enrolling himself in anger management classes or psychological counseling might be a good start.  Also, I think you have a right to be concerned about the timing of this "change of heart" and it sounds like you feel like he's using you, which sounds to me like a form of abuse.  I'd say, if you need help, get help from a battered women's shelter, an ecclesiastical leader, a counselor, or somebody else who can help you make a wise decision.  Remember to keep your kids in mind when you are making this decision -- think about what will be best for them.  God bless you.
517748
better for both if you move on, your kids will love you, but this will cause them to have bad relationships if you stay in a bad situation just for them. they will do as they see you doing, to keep, the general psychological health, of all concerned, in good or fair condition,except for the husband, get out, you will find some one who cares for you for you, not just for the sake of the kids, i came from an adopted family and mother stayed with my father for this very reason, i wish she had done what i am telling you, good luck with your new life!
855756
Wow...I'm so sorry that your father is acting this way towards you. Since your an adult now, you have a choice to make. Cursing him out, no matter how satisfying that may be, really isn't going to help out your situation. If anything, all it will do, in his little brain,is prove him right. Hopefully your not living with him still. Because you need to on your own if at all possible, to put some distance between the both of you. It's so unfortunate that as someones child, YOU have to act as the 'mature-responsible-adult'. You have to be the one to set the example that his behavior is unacceptable, and your not going to stoop to his very lowly level and reflect what he is doing to you. He sounds like a very bitter man, and again I feel for you and your situation. If your able to find a good counselor to talk to, that may be of great benefit to you to help you work through this crap that he's dumped on you so that you do not feel as though it's your fault or that you deserve to be treated this way. The way a father treats his daughter, will greatly and directly effect the men she chooses to have in her life. I hope you know that you deserve better treatment from men, and that even through all this you still have a choice to make. Man, if I could just have 5 minutes with jerks like that....
1066756
the children of alcoholics have their own group. ask AA or al-anon to refer you. i know how hard it is to be a child of an alcoholic - i have two children from my marriage to one. it seems illogical to let the alcoholic be and leave him to his own destruction but the message really is to you- that you can NOT cure him. you can NOT control him. you can have a confrontation with him and your friends and family were all of you tell him exactly how you feel but in the end- he is going to make his own choices. it is a disease and one that is very destructive to everyone it touches.  good luck. i know it's hard.
275233
I was 20 and my low life ex left me with 2 baby girls.  It was very hard, now they are 13 and 14.  It is ever harder! But i have a great husband that helps me with everything.  Please learn from my mistake and wrap your life around your child.  Don't became wrapped up in looking for Mr.Right.  I was so focused on finding a father for them that I went from relationship to relationship and now they have a lot of bad feelings because I put them through it too.  Also, go to college.  There are MANY places that will help a single mother. They will even pay for your childcare while you go to school Take advantage them.  You just can't raise a child anymore on $5.00 or 6.00/hr.  That way you wont have to depend on anyone else. When have a degree and a good job then the right person will come along and you will be so secure that you wont have to depend on him.  I commend you on leaving your abuse relationship.  Remember God loves you and you deserve to be treated with respect and love.  If a man hits you one time, it is one time too many. You did the right thing!! Your going to be ok.  You will be a strong, independent mother and you baby will love you for that.  Just remember it's all up to you now, that baby's future is in your hands : ) Take care and good luck!
76540
You need to get your act together, but you also need to leave if you are that miserable. Additionally, you need to leave if he has hurt you. You have already describe emotional abuse. Has he physically hurt you? If you have family start there. Even if you haven't been close with them family will usually come though for you. There are also shelters (some good and some are not so good), but you can get help there. Once you have gotten away you can get help with getting a place set up. there are community, church, and government programs for everything from relocation to training to child care. It is unlikely that he could get custody of the child unless there are drugs or child abuse on your side of things. It is also, however, unlikely that he would not get visitation. if you believe that he might take the child you want supervised visitation! In any case, keeping your safety in mind you will probably have this person in your life for some time as he is the father so you will also need to stand up to him at some point. But do that when you are in a stronger position and stronger emotionally.
620453
My Dad went to Jail for two years...Mostly drinking and driving related.  I was seventeen when this happened..It hurts to see someone you care about in trouble.  I Love my dad soooo much but be carefull..and make sure your taking care of yourself..This guy may or may not learn from his mistakes..Don't let him drag you down..even if you do love him.
710209
From my own experience, I say go and get a better life, as you only have 1 life to live. You try and try, until you spin your wheels.\n\nI was married to a guy for 13 years and we had 3 kids.  He drank every day, and our life was hell.  Life goes on, and now I have a wonderful husband, and we've been married for 15 years.  I bailed and it turned out good.   I went to counseling and Alanon befe I made my decision.  You may find someone wonderful.\n\nThe best thing you can do when dealing with an alcoholic spouse is to detach from the abuse of the alcoholic. You can do this if you truly love your spouse and want to help them to possible sobriety. The more you focus all your energies on the alcoholic, the less likely he is to get sober. This article focuses on how you can detach and remain healthy mentally.\n\nDon’t Make Alcoholism Your Problem\n\nIf you have never read any of the Al-anon material then you probably don’t know that you are making the disease of alcoholism YOUR problem. One of the sad facts of living with an alcoholic is we become just as mentally and emotionally sick as the alcoholic. This happens because every step of life we take, and every breath of air we breathe has some involvement with the alcoholic. Our emotions overtake our own mental health as we try and cope with the deterioration of the alcoholic in our life. What are we doing wrong? We are concentrating too much on the disease, instead of concentrating on our mental and emotional health. We may as well be tipping the bottle for them. Better yet, we may as well be drinking with them!\n\nDon’t Enable\n\nMost spouses of alcoholics don’t realize they are helping their spouse drink just by a few simple behaviors and actions. Several ways in which you may be enabling your spouse to drink is by buying them alcohol, drinking with them, calling the boss and or family members for him because he is too hung over or too drunk to do it himself. Lying to friends, boss, family and co-workers about him and his drinking problem. Taking them to the store, arguing with them, and behaving like a victim. You are not the victim of alcoholism until you make yourself BEcome the victim.\n\nGet Off The Pity Pot\n\nGet off of the pity pot and begin living for yourself, instead of living for the alcoholic. “Oh poor me, everyday I am suffering and I can’t take it anymore” attitude won’t get you anywhere. You need to take care of yourself and that cannot be done if you are focusing all of your attention on the alcoholic and what he is doing or what he isn’t doing. Start focusing on what you can do for yourself. Get out of the house, don’t hang around the alcoholic, and don’t let them abuse you with their words. If you care about the alcoholic in your life, this is what helps them more than anything else.\n\nDetach With Love\n\nYou are powerless to getting your loved one to stop drinking. The first step in being able to detach is by realizing that the shenanigans of the alcoholic is not your problem. Don’t try and fix their messes for them. Not only does this enable them to continue drinking, but also it justifies their drinking. Don’t have any interaction with the alcoholic while they are drinking; that includes, talking and arguing with them. Why fuss and fight with someone who has lost the ability to make any sense? Don’t become ensnared in the alcoholic trap with them. Stay out of the trap, so you can help them. Ninety-five percent of what an alcoholic says is manipulative and hogwash anyway. Don’t start believing in the lies of the disease. Separate yourself from the antics of the alcoholic.\nhttp://www.mayoclinic.com/health/alcoholism/DS00340\nhttp://www.mayoclinic.com/health/bipolar-disorder/AN00920\nhttp://www.maricopa.gov/benefits/pdf/AA/Living_with_Alcoholic.pdf\nhttp://www.connexions-direct.com/index.cfm?pid=152&catalogueContentID=420\nhttp://web4health.info/en/answers/add-living-with-an-alcoholic.htm\nhttp://www.dooyoo.co.uk/archive-lif
155498
Your safety is the most important thing. Alot of times the violence becomes more severe as time goes by. It's better to be alone than to be abused.If you really love this person you both could seek good counseling. Until then stay away from this person.Go to family, friends,Minister, anyone that you trust.Love is sometimes blind. No person male or female should ever put their hands on anyone out of anger.You have to love yourself more. Again your safety is the most important thing. Good luck to you.
604398
This will sound harsh but if you insist on enabling him and thereby losing control of your own life and thoughts ... I'd suggest buying him more booze and hope the end comes soon. On a more serious note, you could seek counseling for both you and him and for god's sake, get him to join AA.
164230
If he's not actively seeking treatment by his own choice, yes.  It only gets worse not better and if he's not willing to help himself their is not a single thing you can do. Doesn't matter how much you love him or how much he loves you, the alchohol will always come first.
567630
Been right where you are and I certainly feel your pain.  Truth is I did take him back only to be broken yet again. We have been apart for three years now and my life is so much better while he is still up to his same tricks of abusing the next one. Alcoholic behavior and tendencies will not change.  10 months is certainly not long enough to heal old wounds he has.  There is a better life...I found one.  You and your children deserve to be treated with love and respect, not something to be knocked around or controlled in any manor.  I wish you all the best.
59583
What a horrible situation, isn't it?? My mom and stepdad were both alcoholics. My stepdad still is and my mom is dead. Anyway, at first they would just drink on the weekends, then it was everyday. When I got home from school, I never knew what to expect. Would they be drunk or sober, would they be fighting, would my mom have had the crap beat outa her, or would they be in "love mode"??? I would sneak out quite often when they were drunk. Then after awhile, I just started walking out the front door without saying anything to them. Finally, when I was 14, yes 14, I left home and moved to AZ with a friend and her older brother and wife. It's so hard to deal with someone who drinks heavily. That seems to be all they live for--their next drink. Really, the only way to cope is by leaving. If they're not willing to sober up and go through the steps, really commit to quitting, then it's up to you to make a move. LITERALLY!!! It's not healthy for you to live in that environment. You may love whomever you're referring to, but you have to love yourself first. Just take care of you. Good luck.