In the last 40 years, how has the family dynamic changed within a family with a gay member?
926233
When I was young I remember people referring to an unmarried man as a "confirmed bachelor" or "bachelor uncle"  When I got older I figured out that these men were in fact gay.  I am a forty year old gay male and the majority of my family know I am gay.  \n\nEvery once in awhile I will meet an older family member that will ask when I will get married, have a family etc..   Usually another older person will then explain to the other that I am a "confirmed bachelor" and that is the end of that.\n\nMy point is that homosexuality was not a open subject years ago as it is today.  Families tried to disguise the fact that a member was gay by using such terms.  With groups such as PFLAG to help families who have gay family members it is easy for a family to stick togethey instead of torn apart.
226763
Well, there is nothing weird about the truth.  The only thing you must consider is the possibility that a family 'feud' could arise.  So if you care about both of them as people, maybe this is a situation you would want to avoid.  It could put him into deep depression, depending on his view of bi-sexuality.  So I encourage you to deeply consider what you are doing as you could turn a burst of wind into a tornado quick here.
35059
He was raised like many to believe gays choose their lifestyle. once people get past this myth it is relatively easy to accept gays.
845638
Hi Lucy,\n\nOnly you can decide this but I would agree with your husband. Marrage is not about: "lets stay together for the sake of the children". This is definitely not the right way. This will be a loveless marrage and if anything it will project a distructive and demonstate an even very negative image to the children on what relationships are about. You are better off being with a lesbian partner and as long as there is love, and love for the children then that is what really matters. Their father will always be part of their lives and arrangements to do so will take place after divorce.\n\nI know you must have soo many questions along side because this is one big step and it is a serious life changing experience.  There will be questions that keep repeating itself, especially about your sexuality and if this is the right thing to do. Can I recommend you check my profile and see some of the answer's I've written regarding why people are born straight, gay, or bisexual. I think it will make you understand those feelings better and make think sound much clearer. Life is too short and in the long run your husband, your family, and your children will know you had to do what you had to do. Your happeness is as important as well.
891285
You're right it is amazing how all these hetero couples have managed to raise gay children. That should give people a clue but it doesn't seem to. There is not a thing wrong with gay people raising children. Love is what a child needs it doesn't matter to them if you are gay or not.
1104274
Um... it's NOT antithetical to a health or stable family.  I would say that two closet gay people of opposite genders living together out of obligation is far less healthy and probably far less stable than two people who love each other and are happy, raising kids in a happy, open, stable home if they want to.\n\nIt is, however, inherently untraditional, in that a traditional family is defined as having two parents of opposite genders (plus 2.5 kids and a dog), but that's neither here nor there.\n\nBut of course, everyone knows that kids are better off with a mom and a dad who beat them and lock them in the basement every night than two moms or who dads who are loving and nurturing, because the most important thing is that the kids grow up to be straight (besides, a hard childhood just builds character, right?), and with gay parents they might get the impression that it's actually OK to be gay.
860908
I insist that it is not something you're born into - but results from a bad family dynamic.  A withdrawn, aloof father who shows no affection, love, concern & closeness & bonding with his son will do this to him, as will a dominant , bossy, loud-mouth & demanding & assertive mother who "wears the pants" while the father sits meekly & looks on and farts his time away.   when the boy doesn't bond with his dad & identify with him as a male role model - no doubt the boy will turn out to be a homo.\n\nFor lesbians, it happens with a nasty father, showing no love & respect for her - as well as a cold, detached, uncaring mother who doesn't bond with her daughter - but ostracizes the girl.\n\nProblem is that all this happens AT A VERY TENDER AGE - and that's why people always suspect they're "born" that way or that the genes did it to them.  \n\nNO One - in their full sanity & rational mind, fully competent mentally - would ever CHOOOOOOOSE to be homo.  It's not like on a certain morning a guy gets up from sleep & decides - "Well, I don't want girls, I want a guy to f-ck around with"  No -that's not what happens.  \n\nwhat happens is that viscerally, from within, the guy starts to feel physical & emotional attraction & need for a man's intimate presence - rather than for a female.   Parents bear the SOLE LIABILITY  for a lesbian daughter or a gay son.  \n\nthis has always been so - and is the undeniable truth !!!!!!!!!!!!
877341
That's a hard one. On the one hand if you know before your husband, and he finds out you have been keeping this from him or didn't prepare him, he may be upset. I am sure your brother in law is testing the water with you to maybe help him tell your husband.  Your brother in law is gay, that's the way it is, it will never change and the sooner your husband finds out the better. Sure a lot of people get upset over this issue, but you would be surprised at how supportive your husband will become. Your brother in law needs to be able to be himself out in the open, and I hate that you are stuck in the middle. You will have to feel your way through this one very carefully. Good Luck!
206075
BLUF: A lot of homosexuals do have bad relationships with there fathers, but I would not venture to say all!\n\nFYI: “While worldly fathers are so afraid to hug, kiss and cuddle their sons for fear they turn him into a sissy. The opposite is in fact true! Fathers in the world worry about their sons becoming homosexual and emotionally withdraw and become tough and macho with their sons. This will actually make your children more likely to turn into homosexuals! \nAs the Doc says: "A former homosexual who has carried on an effective ministry for five years among homosexuals reported, 'I have counseled over three hundred homosexuals and have yet to find one that enjoyed a warm love relationship with his father.'" \nInadequate Parental Relationships \nParents are easily the most important external force in the life of any child and, as would be suspected, contribute largely to the homosexual or heterosexual predisposition of their children. A professor of psychiatry at one of the nation's leading medical schools stated, "Current research indicates that the family most likely to produce a homosexual comprises a very intimate, possessive and dominating mother and a detached, hostile father. Many mothers of lesbians tend to be hostile and competitive with their daughters. The fathers of female homosexuals seldom appear to play a dominant role in the family and have considerable difficulty being openly affectionate with their daughters." \nMost of the new books on homosexuality contain the report by Dr. Irving Bieber, who studied the family backgrounds of 106 male homosexuals. According to his discoveries, eighty-one mothers were dominating, sixty-two were overprotective, sixty-six made the homosexual their favorite child, eighty-two of the fathers spent very little time with their sons, and seventy-nine maintained a detached attitude toward them.22 \nAs important as the father is in the life of a child, even he must take second place to mother during the first three years of life. she feeds the baby at her breast and spends far more time with him in infancy than does his dad. Consequently, mothers actually have more to do with producing a predisposition toward homosexuality than fathers. Two kinds of mothers are particularly harmful-smother mothers and dominating mothers. \nSmother Mothers \nEvery child needs love, but few things are worse than an overprotective, smothering affection that is showered on an infant, not for his benefit but for the mother's. Many a love-starved young mother satisfies her love hunger on her child until he is the primary object in her life. The more she bestows her affection, time, and attention on her child, the more she neglects her husband. This may turn him further from her and the child, compounding the problem.\nDr. Howard Hendricks used to say in Family Seminars which he and I held together that ' ' whenever a mother makes her son number one in her life, she begins to raise a pervert. " In other words, it is normal for a boy to be number two in the heart of his mother, for he doesn't feel threatened when he knows father is number one. But when mother and father cannot preserve a love relationship and she makes the child number one, he is in trouble. He may begin to identify with her, take an interest in feminine things, and develop effeminate mannerisms. Such concerns start early in life and are very difficult to break. One veteran homosexual in the counseling room complained that his mother was "overprotective and smothering.'' He illustrated the latter by saying, "She never hesitated to embarrass me. she thought nothing of unzipping my pants to tuck in my shirt. Between that and wiping my nose, she was all over me.'' \nThroughout history, researchers have repeatedly verified that homosexuals are ''mama's boys" whose mothers doted on them in their youth. Tchaikovsky, Michelangelo, and Freud are notabl
123683
I believe you are born with it.  My cousin is gay, and I swear by the time he was two years old you could tell he was going to be gay.  Before you say it was influence or whatever, let me tell you he was brought up in a perfectly average household, with a loving mom and dad, and a macho big brother.  We are born the way we are born.
822764
agree with you as the best times I remember were family orientated. seems as though modern society in having to make a living has taken over
926826
Cookie, I know what your talking about. And I believe that the coming out experience for some people are much different than for others.  Perhaps for some it was hard for them to be accepted at home, so they are out in public. Some actually hid for so many years that coming out is like a rebirth to them and their excited and it's like a new life for them. They can finally be free and not enslaved by being closeted any longer.  I don't think that some homosexuals really care who we think they have sex with. They know that straight people have questions and some are very helpful in answering our questions. Yes I am straight. But I have a gay son.  And I also have a straight son, that equals two great kids! What I can tell you is that it is a process that a family goes through. There are different stages that a gay person and their family goes through. And this is evident in their behavior when they become relaxed and can be themselves. I hope this helped abit. I am a PFLAG Mom. Parents Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. If you had more questions you can email PFLAG and they will be more than happy to answer your question.
1175505
Your situation is not unique. I lived with a woman freind of mine whose partner had been married twice both times for 10 years and had kids by both men.   They had a few lesbian friends who were in similar situation.  Married young and came out afterward.  Glad you found out early.
713615
family in some of the people u been around
1175866
I remember reading about this in college.  It's interesting to show how hetero and homosexuality changes with each culture and age.  It just goes to show you how wrong it is to say that homosexuality is a mental illness, as the military still defines it to this day.  Sexuality lays on a spectrum with hetero and one end and homo at the other.  Most people are neither completely one nor the other, but lay somewhere in the middle.  How we deal with this fact of human nature is determined by the social contract.  Some societies sanction it, some make it illegal, either way the human condition remains the same.  \n\nAlthough growing up in the US today makes us feel that this relationship is disturbing to say the least, there will be a time when future societies look upon our laws and say, "What the F*!@k"\n\n:D
670812
Did not have strict parents that watched my every move. Never wanted to be with a female, so never had to 'switch'. No abusive childhood. My childhood went pretty well. I am close to both my mother and father, who live in the same home. Growing up my mother stayed at home and was a stay at home mom and my father worked. It wasn't until I entered junior high that my mother went back to work part time and not until I graduated high school that my mother began working full time.\n\nAs a child I remember very much the desire I had to kiss and hug the boys. I always admired the girls who could do this. I had boy and girl friends growing up. Yet, it was the girls that I admired because of the one reason: society said they could kiss the boys and hug them. I had a few crushes on boys growing up. Once puberty hit those feelings got mixed in with sexual feelings and not only did I find myself emotionally and romantically attracted to guys, I found myself sexually attracted to guys. I've never had the desire to even kiss a girl, let alone have sex with one. Girls are....well they're pretty like flowers, but I have no real desire to be with them as anything other than friends.\n\nIf no one is born gay, then I am not sure how to explain myself. I can't think of a time when I was ever attracted to the opposite sex...emotionally, romatically, or sexually. So I'm not sure what's going on, but all my life I've been attracted to males. And from all the books I've read that people have given to me written by folks who say that gays aren't born it's enviromental, well none of the enviroments they describe fit the enviroment I grew up in. In fact, the enviroments they say are 'healthy' and 'traditional'...well that's exactly how I grew up. When I came out to my parents, both of them weren't surprised. They said that my grandmothers (paternal and maternal) had sat them down when I had gotten to be school age and told them that from what they could tell there were signs that this was a possibility and that they should perhaps atleast try to plan for it. My parents apparently did just that because when I told them they weren't surprised and told me what my grandmothers had told them. They were just happy that I am happy and healthy and they are very supportive and loving. In fact, they also embraced my beloved when I brought him home for them to meet.\n\nAs for why there seems to be an increase in lesbians and gays in America? From what I can tell, and this is just based upon a few studies that have been done and my own opinion of what those studies were concluding (because most studies just give you the facts and then leave you to judge what the information is saying) was that the increase isn't real, there isn't "more" lesbians and gays in America than there ever has been. Or for that matter, there aren't any "more" in the world. The reason that it seems like there are more, is because a lot more are coming out and becoming visible. They feel safe to be honest with society and don't want to live a lie. In some places in the world it's still not okay for gays and lesbians to be honest, so they have to live a lie publicly. Yet the studies say that within the overall population of the nations, whether gays and lesbians are allowed tobe public about it or not, the ratio of homosexuals to heterosexuals remains the same. Now this is how I conclude that if the ratio seems to be the same, then the "apparent" increase isn't really an increase, it's a steady ratio in the population and that what people are actually saying is an increase is really not an increase in the numbers of actual homosexuals, but the increase in visibility.\n\nSo that's my answer to your question. Not sure if it was any help to you, though. It may not be the type of information you were looking for. \n\nPeace be with you.
195556
1)  Parents once told me when we were teens that if we turned out to be homosexual, they would still love us and accept us unconditionally as their kiddos. :-)  I still remember it 18 years later. :-)  And I am hetero.\n\n2)  I am adopted.  Mom told me once that when they found that I am deaf (2 years old at that time), social worker came by and asked Mom if she wanted them to take me back.  8-o   I was "WTF?!?!?!"  I was THIS close to being in an orphanage / foster home system????  I counted my blessings each time I remember that. Watching "Adoption Stories" on Discovery Health Channel reminds me of that often. :-)\n\n3)  Was in ICU for suicide attempt years ago.  Nearly died. Glad I am here, tho!  :-D\n\nThanks for the reminder on how blessed I am!  *hug*