do you know the sadest quote said by the funiest man ever born on this planet?
922640
Spike Milligans' epitaph,\n\n"I told you I was ill," takes some beating.
485067
I heard it as two guys were walking along one day when they came to a picket fence.  Rather than go around it, they decided to jump over the fence.  One guy made it, the other didn't.  After they got him to the hospital, the first guy asks the doctor, "Where is he hurt, Doc?"\n\nThe doctor, without looking up from his medical chart, replies, "Rectum."\n\nThe guy responds, "Rectum? Damn near killed 'im!"\n\n\nThe punchline alone is funnier than the joke, because with the punchline, you get the toilet humor without having to think about it.  Sort of like the "er?  I hardly know 'er!" lines, like:\n\nPoker?  I hardly know 'er!\nButter?  I hardly know 'er!\nSucker?  I hardly know 'er!\netc.
823443
Hugo Chavez - he definitely makes me want to puke.\nOh wait, I forgot - kim jong il - he is almost cartoon-like in his ugliness.
284263
Quote:\nNever say a humorous thing to a man who does not possess humour. He will always use it in evidence against you. \n\nAuthor: Beerbohm, Herbert, Sir
423311
"he got slapped like a red-headed step-son"\n\n"I had to pee like a racehorse"\n\n"That will go through you like corn through a goose"
174661
*Half of the people in the world are below average. (Anonymous)\n\n*"A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket. 'You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?' she sneered. I replied in a psychotic tone, 'I didn't know there were any witnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too.'" - (Jake Johansen) \n\nYou have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking fivemiles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we doesn't know where the hell she is. - Ellen DeGeneris\n\nIf a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "probably because of something you did." --Jack Handey \n\nJoin the army, see the world, meet interesting people, and kill them. ~Unknown\n\nI'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.\n\nSmile, and the world will smile with you. Laugh and they'll all think your on drugs.\n\n"I didn't lose my mind, I sold it on ebay."\n\n"When they put unknown at the end of a quote, that means they probably don't no how to spell anonymous" -unknown\n\nDo not meddle in the affairs of dragons, for you are crunchy, and good with ketchup.
1069335
There is some thing so wrong with you dude, but that is one of the funniest things i have ever heard. Never mind the points thanks for a hell of a good laugh.
1111244
This one is on the front page at eBaumsWorld.com: \nMike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown." Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK??" In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around!'"
1059013
You've got to be kidding me, this is the funniest thing I have heard all day! Sorry to break it to ya...but you are far, far from best of the best! hahaha LMAO  LOSER!
340301
lol man there are so many ummm ok here's my list\n\n“I'm not normally a praying man, but if you're up there, please save me, Superman!”\n\n“You tried your best and failed miserably. The lesson is: never try.”\n\n“Alright brain, you don't like me, and I don't like you. But lets just do this, and I can get back to killing you with beer.”\n\n“'To Start Press Any Key'. Where's the ANY key?”\n\n“Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.”\n\n“Marge, it's 3 AM. Shouldn't you be baking?”\n\n"America's health care system is second only to Japan ... Canada, Sweden, Great Britain ... well, all of Europe. But you can thank your lucky stars we don't live in Paraguay!"\n\n"Aw, Dad, you've done a lot of great things, but you're a very old man, and old people are useless."\n\n"I saw this movie about a bus that had to SPEED around a city, keeping its SPEED over fifty, and if its SPEED dropped, it would explode! I think it was called, the Bus That couldn't Slow Down."\n\n"No, no, no, Lisa. If adults don't like their jobs, they don't go on strike. They just go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American Way."\n\nlol ok im finished
63625
One of 50 Cent's best lines:\n\n"Some days wouldn't be special, if it wasn't for rain \nJoy wouldn't feel so good, if it wasn't for pain \nDeath gotta be easy, 'cause life is hard \nIt'll leave you physically, mentally, and emotionally scarred" from "Many Men" off the "Get Rich or Die Tryin'" album.
84777
I have two.  Julia Roberts.  Chiding the woman staff who told her that her time is up.  "Shut up lady............"\nAnd Roberto Benigni, the Italian actor director for "Life is Beatiful".  Obviously hes not good in Egnlish....me too.\n"I am so happy......all parts of my body is shaking"\nAnd Richard Gere, lambasting the Chinese Government against the Dalai Lama. Bono......oh wait. that's four
952476
My favorite is by Abraham Lincoln:\n\n"I guess a man is just about as happy as he makes up his mind to be."\n\nThen there's the common quoted:\n"Happiness is chocolate."\n\nB. Franklin said, "Every man is entitled to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness."
449991
Martin Luther, a German religious reformer said that one (not to be confused with Martin Luther King)!\n\nWonder why mathematics makes people sad?  Oh well...not me though...I love math!
431669
The correct quote is actually:\n\n "Laughter is good for the soil"\n\n                 - Gregor Mendel
822485
The quote is attributed to Les Brown. The specific person not identified. \n\n- From http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Anonymous#S\n\nSee also http://www.quotationspage.com/quote/27276.html
971818
Sad, true, funny but sad.