how can i help my boyfriend forgive his self and get the anger out from 10 years ago?
342122
All these suggestions are good-- I also suggest counseling or therapy. . . Whatever he's angry about, he needs to forgive himself for, or make amends if it's possible.  After that. . . this is what Homer Simpson says, and I don't even like the Simpsons!\n\n"You can't keep on blaming yourself. Blame yourself once and then move on. . ." pretty good advice, now that I think of it.  Finally, your boyfriend is lucky to have you care about him.  Convince him that you both deserve a hopeful future, and that he needs to get help and move on.  Take care. . .
486983
Go to his home. Knock on his door, and tell him how you feel.\n\nIf that's too bold, then send him a light note... an invitation to coffee.  Maybe send him a note in the mail and inside a starbucks card... inside a note say "Let's meet for coffee... my treat"\n\nTell him that you have a confession.  You never knew that the answer was in front of your face, and hope that its not too late for a 2nd chance.  You don't want to lose a dear friend, and want him to forgive you.\n\nI would say that its now in his court. If hes willing to forgive,then you will meet him more than halfway.... and wililng to mend the hurt.
129670
You had him for five years and now want to know if to get mad or not? Interesting. I think if it's really affecting you that the best thing to do is mention it to him and talk it out.  Getting mad wont solve the problem and staying passive when it's bugging you wont solve it either.
807034
Sounds like you both are trying to work through this. Unfortunately sometimes arguments do occur, the only thing is when the dusts settles what then? I believe that by him not telling you right away that this or that was not exactly what he expected seems he is trying to be tolerant. Where he is trying maybe not to impose on you all the time what he think or how he thinks things should be. But if he bottles it up and then waits to explode letting you have it all at once, you are right he really should tell you then and there. Not bottle it up and make him resent or get so angry.  He has to realize you fess up to things you tell him "Oh I had no idea I was coming across that way" so he has to know you are not intentionally doing things to  irritate him. Keep talking, keep telling him to tell you.  Tell him "Hey let post this or that and have people who don't know you and don't know me, tell us what they think is going on. People who have nothing to gain"  People who do this just because we've all been there and think Hey maybe someone else can benefit from past mistakes.   Good Luck to you and him I really hope it works out for you two.
293078
Leave it alone! He does not need to relive this with his girlfriend. I'm sure you've made it clear that if he WANTS to talk, you're ready to listen and that's ALL you should do. You're not his therapist and you are not qualified to be his therapist. You're his girlfriend and need to respect his boundaries and quit prying into pieces of his past he does not want to dwell on.
702668
I don't really understand why you would dump someone that had done something like that to you... i don't get it...\n\nit's as if.. you expect him to forgive you... and if you were in the situation.. you would dump him.. no second chance whatsoever... that is ridiculous...\n\nmaybe your boyfriend should do what you said you would do... maybe he should dump you, no second chance whatsoever...\n\nand yes... it was a terrible thing to do.. you're sort of a representation of today's corrupt society.. ignorance.. and phoniness... this is ridiculous... it's as if, you forgot about your plans with your boyfriend that day... it's like... forgetting an anniversary.. even worse... \nbut i guess i could understand... i mean, when someone is with a friend... lol, sh*t, we can get all hyphe and crazy out here... lol.. no doubt about that...\n\nbut listen mijita.. yea, you did a bad thing.. and if your boyfriend forgives you....  then you're lucky to have a guy like him...\n\nabout the "I won't do it again...." being a guy... i really wouldn't believe that, i would just let it all behind..\nhuman nature is savage.. you can't change it, only restrain it...\n\nthat's my opinion... take care
1138301
Getting in trouble with the law can cause a person to be angry at the person he thought was responsible. He need to grow up and accept responsibility for his own actions. If he really loved you like he said he did then he could get over this and prove everyone wrong, I know it's hurtful but try to delete him from your memory.
478604
Personally I think that is old history and should just stay in the past.  However the real question here is can you truly forgive him and not let this haunt you?  If you can't then this relationship will eventually crumble and you might as well get out now.
566491
It sounds to me that he has not regained the level of trust that you all had at another place in time.\nYou might try asking him, kindly and calmly, what it will take for you to re-birth that original trust.\nIt is a most important foundational building block for any relationship, and if you don't straighten it out NOW...you can build a leaning tower of Pisa in 20 years that won't support you emotionally or otherwise.\nAbove all, don't be tearful, that is unfair when dealing with men, they can't handle it at all and it is more like playing them, quite frankly!  So be centered and be up front with him. He will appreciate it more.  Good Luck!
381068
Sometimes it's easier pointing out our partners flaws then our own.But we all have them. Tell him that the situation opened your eyes on seeing how he felt towards it and ask him to forgive you. In the end he'll do the same even if it takes a while. Just note that every time you have an argument remember whats important like when you first met and how you would get those butterflies in you stomach and just reminisce. It really helps ease the situation and it reminds you that arguing with someone that you care that much about is stupid.
661706
:) forgiveness. it is not gonna be easy. but if you love him, it is possible. concentrate on your own life, live your life beautifully and earn back all the confidence, trust through yourself before you try work things out with him again. you definitely need time to make it happen. and if you were to always remind yourself about that lie, you'll never get over it because you have made it a part of your life. I've experienced unfaithfulness of my boyfriend, it happened about half a yr ago but everytime i think of it or when i see the girl, i can feel the hurt so fresh. it won't be healed fast but i believe that you have to start with forgiveness then only you can try forget. don't remind yourself about it, when the thought comes, push it aside. you don't need to familiarise it to help you to forget.
439938
If you figure it out, please let me know!  I am trying to do that myself.  It has taken me about a month of being on my own to actually be able to look back and realize little things in our relationship that could have been better, and that is helping.  It is also helping that I am starting to see him not as the perfect person I thought he was, and that I am getting angry with his behavior.  But even after being angry and noticing flaws in our relationship, I still love him, and I have no idea how to stop that.
1041495
As a Christian Pastor I must say that you have to forgive your father not for him but to rid yourself of those things.\nIf you feel that you have done everything that you need to do, and it sounds to me like you have, then you need to tell your boyfriend that's it, I'm done.\nYou are correct that a person can get sucked back into a life they have broken away from as illustrated by your father.\nIf this problem continues with your boy friend perhaps it's time for him to leave.
242687
It is absolutely vital for you to move forward with life and love. Being willing to trust again is key. Take things one step at a time. Don't try to make sense out of nonsense. Rationalizing your cheating ex's behaviour or sympathizing with him is pointless. It is never OK to go outside of your relationship to solve problems within a relationship. It's not your fault. \n\nDon't cling to negative feelings. Anger is nothing more than an outward sign of hurt, fear, guilt, grief or frustration. While the pain may never completely disappear, forgiveness can help you release the anger and bring those in your life closer to you. You can't change the things that happened in your life, but you can decide how you interpret and respond to them. If you didn't receive support when you needed it, give it to yourself now.\n\nConsider what you need to do to get emotional closure. Maybe you just need a simple apology. Someone may have said horrible things to you long ago, but it's possible you took over for them when it stopped.\n\nThere is no right timeline for recovery. For some people, making peace happens suddenly and spontaneously. For others, it takes time and effort. You may have to make a conscious effort every day to forgive. To say, "I'm letting this go. I'm not going to invest hatred, bitterness, anger, resentment in this person anymore." You can find closure in forgiveness.
635374
It is wonderful that you understand that he has been through so much as a military man, and at the same time, you see a very big difference in him, or is it? The anger may come from the issues that he dealt with in Iraq, but the way he treats you does not. If he has started to hit you, even once, and he got away with it, he will do it again.\nYou are putting yourself in a bad situation if you stay with him. He will eventually turn to more and more violence. Get out of there before you are hurt badly.\nYour parents and family aren't just over dramatic, they are trying to show you that they care about you, and want what is in your best interest. Listen to your instincts, not your heart. Your heart is misleading you into thinking that it was only once that he hit you. The next time your heart will tell you something else, and each time you will try to justify his behavior by convincing yourself that you did something wrong to make him do this. It isn't you, it is him. He needs to seek some counseling in regaurds to the experiences that he faced over there, and he needs to recognize that he has been exposed to some traumatic things in life that he can't deal with on his own. But you need to get away from him.\nI was also in the military and have seen first hand how things like this effect relationships. Believe me when I tell you he has lost himself, and needs professional help in finding himself again.
220792
You know what everyone deserves a second chance. In the first place why did you do that if you really love your boyfriend. Please don't make decisions because of your kid make them because of you. I would advice you to go for Counselling with Jeff before the hearing. If you love him as much as he loves you he will forgive you in time because all he needs is time to heal.
39591
I think you are referring to an affair in the past?\n\nI know from personal experience how hard it is to hear about this kind of thing. For you it has long been over, but remember that for him this is brand new, it almost might as well have been yesterday for him.\n\nIts too late to wonder whether you should have told him or not, and there are arguments each way... the important thing now is to think about how hard this was for you to come to terms with and share, and then think about how hard it is for him and the feeling of betrayal. It wasn't wrong to tell him... but he needs to go through the natural series of reactions for this and they will probably include disbelief, self-blame, anger, and possibly mild depression. This is a hard thing to accept and an even harder thing to let go of. This is really hard for him obviously. He needs time. I can't make you any promises about how things will turn out, but if you really love him, try to give him space when he needs it, you don't want him to feel like he needs space and never be able to get it because you see him pull away and you keep trying to fix things.\n\nHave patience, it will take time for him to accept this. Remember, this is all new to him. This just happened for him... knowing it was a long time ago doesn't make it any less of an impact. Hang in there and just keep loving him as best you can. If you have a good relationship then things will work themselves out in time.