Can you please check the introduction of my personal statement and give some advice,ty?
350819
"Uneased" isn't exactly a word.  You might as well go with "uneasy".\n\nAnd the section starting with "In our life..." doesn't flow from the preceding section.  You should start a new paragraph if you want to go on talking about that.  It would also be more proper to say "In a person's life, he or she...", as the impersonal second person voice usually doesn't have a place in formal writing.\n\nOtherwise, looks good.
837579
I like our background.  I thought you would be older than 480. lol\nYou might change your last line.  Remove the space between the me & the !.  It might let you finish the last exact line.
1050026
You could probably go down the path of writing, but the first piece that youve written needs work. It has some nice lines in it, but it doesn't flow perfectly, and there are some weaker lines that could be changed. Try not to use cliches such as "souls collide", and be careful not to jump back and forth between past and present tense. Aim to make everything you say relevant. It can be metaphorical or abstract of course, but some of your references seem a bit random, such as "so much wind" at the beginning. Also the repetition of the word "life" in the first 2 lines sounds a bit funny.\n\nDont take offense, just trying to help!
114698
Answer one question but do it well. Make sure you have someone read it over for you or read it backwards to make sure you didnt leave anything out, like punctuation or words.
1157846
I can't offer you any examples (that would be a violation of policy and ethics), but I can tell you what you should include.\n\nWho am I (education, experience, awards, skills, distinctions, etc.)?\nWhy am I interested in this field of study?\nWhy am I particularly qualified for graduate study in this area? How have I prepared for study in this field?\nWhy am I interested in this particular program?\nWhat is my potential specific area of interest? Why?\nWhat are my interests or influences in terms of theory?\nWhat are my long-term goals?\n\nAnd for goodness sake, PROOFREAD for grammar and spelling errors!\n\nIf there are any blemishes on your undergraduate transcript, or gaps in your preparation, explain them.\n\nAlso, it's always a good practice to show familiarity with current literature in the field, *especially* if you are not submitting a current writing sample.\n\nOne other piece of advice: Tailor each statement of intent for each program. Speak with your current professors before you apply, and ask about the strengths of various programs. You should already know which scholars are of greatest interest to you as mentors, but it is always wise to ask current professors if they know these scholars. (You may learn that Professor XX, while brilliant, is a lousy mentor for grad students.)
641435
the introduction is the last part that you should write.  in it, you give a snap shot of what your audience can read in your work.  You might want to make your opening sentence a question.
829376
the introduction should include relevant facts   and the history concerning your subject,,,if there are several viewpoints about your subject (ways to handle the problem, opinions on it, approaches to it etc) you should touch on those, then lead into your thesis statement by giving your rough opinion, your thesis, and three supporting topics for your thesis,,,,\n\nthis is a basic format,,, that can apply to almost any type paper you write,,,,\nexample: paper  concerning the physical punishment of children,\nintro: acceptance of it in america, how some opinions are changing, how it can often be taken into the area of abuse,,, brief history of childrens right and how this hasnt been "outlawed"     , my personal opinion that it is wrong,,,,, my thesis statement "physical punishment of children should be made illegal due to  we as a society do not accept this type punishment for anyone else other then children, its impact on the child, there are other types of discipline that work equally well, " \n\nthen your three paragraph topics can be your three examples\n\nyour conclusion should sum up your paper,,, the evidence in support of  your thesis, draw the reader to your point of view by linking all your "evidence"   and elaborate on your personal opinion.  \n\nyou dont want your conclusion to just be a repeating of what you said in the body of your paper,,,,,but you want to restate your main topics (points, ideas etc) , so basically you are repeating yourself to draw attention to your points,,,
817656
if you give me a day and a half i will write it for you, it's actually a paper i wrote last semester and got an A- on.\n\ni need to rework it just a bit and i'll post it Friday night. so go out and code up your myspace page or buy some shoes or go drink, whatever, i'll hook you up.
1035976
I can't offer you any examples (that would be a violation of policy and ethics), but I can tell you what you should include.\n\nWho am I (education, experience, awards, skills, distinctions, etc.)?\nWhy am I interested in this field of study?\nWhy am I particularly qualified for graduate study in this area? How have I prepared for study in this field?\nWhy am I interested in this particular program?\nWhat is my potential specific area of interest? Why?\nWhat are my interests or influences in terms of theory?\nWhat are my long-term goals?\n\nAnd for goodness sake, PROOFREAD for grammar and spelling errors!  Your application statement should be in PERFECT English (or whatever language the program favors).\n\nIf there are any blemishes on your undergraduate transcript, or gaps in your preparation, explain them.\n\nAlso, it's always a good practice to show familiarity with current literature in the field, *especially* if you are not submitting a current writing sample.\n\nOne other piece of advice: Tailor each statement of intent for each program. Speak with your current professors before you apply, and ask about the strengths of various programs. You should already know which scholars are of greatest interest to you as mentors, but it is always wise to ask current professors if they know these scholars. (You may learn that Professor XX, while brilliant, is a lousy mentor for grad students.) \n\nHope this helps!
610969
yo, JusWannaNo - always 4 writers block, brainstorm n put all your weird cards on the table (nobody sees this phase of your writing, so be completely free with it) write all your chickenscratch sloppy handwritten bullshitt  crazy notions, jot em all down on paper - theres no good or bad - one, this kind of sounds like ?job application type material - whats the position u're applying 4 about/ anyway, see, hark back on your life experiences, what you had to go thru to survive and make it til now (even if youre not "Made" - makes no difference: the skool of hard knocks is experience enough, even if all it got u was to still be standing right here and now.) so think what those experiences were, how they moved you and what u learned from em - think ball-park big, how to make that universal and accessible to ANYONE so they can dig your point of view (especially job point of view, so not too personal- sell the sizzle, not the flame. try to think what you integrated into your own thinking or used in real life, or whatever to further understand the material, taking it beyond whatever you learned in class - in real life theyre only interested what you gathered from all you studied - they are not academics and never give 2 hoots 2 hear u recycle and rehash like a parrot what your teachers already said before - think what works for you or whats clear 2 you frum all you learned, because you'll sound the best when youre explaining it in your own words. and think (i have no idea what position it is) how those can be JOB TOOLS, said in a language that people at that job understand - and also general universal personality trait descriptions that u KNOW would just impress anyone as reliable - but also specifically whats impressive in a work environment - not just "heres me- i have so many good qualities". i dont know what your cumulative work is, but keep it as all-purpose tools that can help you in whatever concerns the job (hell, i dont know what its all about - depends on the job - what have you, friendly and efficient customer service and how your attitude can brighten their day, office politics and how youre always thinking how to get along with your coworkers, proficiciency/expertise in whatever field that is and smart decisionmaking, always 2 steps ahead of the game always thinkin ahead, clear, focused leadership ability, reliability, honesty, punctuality, always putting the others ahead of yourself, standing your ground when it comes to job ethics or principle but always diplomatic, never going over superiors heads, how great you are at accepting authority, how well you understand how the machine of the company works as a whole and just love how your place in it all helps the whole system move on rite along (please, sound more sincere and less cynical than i do with all this but use your magination you get the picture) always discreet with and around customers, sidestepping issues, not making them, increased productivity, meeting deadlines - you know the drill of all the stuff they wanna hear in all jobs - think of your personal school of hard knocks/education/job experience and what u really learned/want them to know or think that you learned (bullshiit a little but articulately and to the point not like this long, drunken rant of mine) - and really get down to brass tacks and think what you really gathered from all your experiences - what you know better you'll explain better in the most to-the-point language. thanks for the liking the point of view comment - this answer might change that for you - anyhow, writers block is best destroyed by throwing out even wack ideas, but letting go of your self-criticism and just going with it - if you roll with the shiit and the chaff you might find some wheat or a gem of inspiration in the haystack of all the shyte - and re-edit many times til its short and sweet. well, peace. hope my garbled rant was at least helpful or tolerable. wow this answer was unfortunately
506741
As justcurious said, first just begin writing.  Get some thoughts written down.  Try to make it very personal.  Don't try to use lots of complicated words and phrases - remember that the people who have to read the essays will probably have to read hundreds of them, so you want to find a way to make yours stand out.  Your writing must be clear and to the point.  Definitely don't go over the word limit - shorter may be better.  When you start deleting and editing, make sure that every word you keep in your essay has a purpose and conveys something about your intent and need.  Have you been given a specific topic, or is it a general essay about your eligibility for aid?  That makes a difference.  Get someone who is a good writer to help you edit as it can be very difficult to edit your own writing.  Print your essay in a good clear font on good paper if you have to send a paper copy.\n\nI hope these thoughts help.
885821
Hi Kadie, you've done a fantastic job, you are honest and believable and seem very genuine.  Like eiremanne says, I would change the bit that says hanging out, there are 2 other things I would change - firstly, don't say 'I have not really made any ambitions yet', I would just take that bit out,and delete the word 'pretty' all the way through - just say you are good at things, it reads better that way. Other than that, its really great, well done! Best of luck.
419853
please post your CV or resume on job sites in good english. Ask someone to help you. Wish you all the best
675834
Dreams ... aspirations ... goals ... experience(s) ... desires ... career possibilities .... These are definitely things you should include ! You don't have to write page after page about them ... just show that you are ambitious and goal-minded !
995282
I had a professor in law school that repeatedly told the students that it shouldn't be called law school, it should be called "Fact School."   While he was joking, he was trying to stress the importance of the 'facts' in a story or case.  \n\nThe personal statement, of course is about the school learning something about the applicant.  However it also can be used to detrmine how well the applicant can organize thoughts and string them together to form a cohesive story....  much like you will have to do when you brief cases and later in practicing law.\n\nUsually the request for a personal statement allows a lot of flexibility and creative license in the topic.  It's common to describe story from your life that highlights one of your passions or thriving in a difficult station.\n\nWhatever you choose, just make sure you tell the "facts" of the story well.  Have an opening introduction telling the 'theme' or preview of the story.  Have a middle that develops the and tells that story in a logical sense.   Finally wrap it up with closure, noting why it was of importance and briefly recapping what it was.\n\nAs for the length, usually there is not one standard.  However think of the volume of applications the school is going through.  You want it to be long enough to display the skills of what I mentioned above, yet not too long that the review can not complete reviewing because he or she needs go get through the stack of others.  My best guess would be about 2 to 4 double spaced pages, but this will vary according to the story you want to tell and also any indication from the school.\n\nBest of luck to you and I hope that helps...\n\nFinally...\nJust make sure you really want to go... I'm glad that I did, but know two many lawyers a few years out of school that wish they had not gone.
744605
When writing, make sure to pay careful attention to:\n\n1.SUBSTANCE\n\nSubstance refers to the content of the essay and the message you send out. It can be very hard to gauge in your own writing. One good way to make sure that you are saying what you think you are saying is to write down, briefly and in your own words, the general idea of your message. Then remove the introduction and conclusion from your essay and have an objective reader review what is left. Ask that person what he thinks is the general idea of your message. Compare the two statements to see how similar they are. This can be especially helpful if you wrote a narrative. It will help to make sure that you are communicating your points in the story. Here are some more questions to ask yourself regarding content.\n\nHave I answered the question asked?\n\nDo I back up each point that I make with an example? Have I used concrete and personal examples?\n\nHave I been specific? (Go on a generalities hunt. Turn the generalities into specifics.)\n\nCould anyone else have written this essay?\n\nWhat does it say about me? After making a list of all the words you have used within the essay -- directly and indirectly -- to describe yourself, ask: Does this list accurately represent me?\n\nDoes the writing sound like me? Is it personal and informal rather than uptight or stiff?\n\nRegarding the introduction, is it personal and written in my own voice? Is it too general? Can the essay get along without it?\n\n\n2.STRUCTURE\n\nTo check the overall structure of your essay, conduct a first-sentence check. Write down the first sentence of every paragraph in order. Read through them one after another and ask the following: \nWould someone who was reading only these sentences still understand exactly what I am trying to say? \nDo the first sentences express all of my main points? \nDo the thoughts flow naturally, or do they seem to skip around or come out of left field? \nNow go back to your essay as a whole and ask these questions: \nDoes each paragraph stick to the thought that was introduced in the first sentence? \nDoes a piece of evidence support each point? How well does the evidence support the point? \nIs each paragraph roughly the same length? Stepping back and squinting at the essay, do the paragraphs look balanced on the page? (If one is significantly longer than the rest, you are probably trying to squeeze more than one thought into it.) \nDoes my conclusion draw naturally from the previous paragraphs? \nHave I varied the length and structure of my sentences? \n\n\n3.INTEREST\n\nMany people think only of mechanics when they revise and rewrite their compositions. As we know, though, the interest factor is crucial in keeping the admissions officers reading and remembering your essay. Look at your essay with the interest equation in mind: personal + specific = interesting. Answer the following:\n\nIs the opening paragraph personal? \nDo I start with action or an image? \nDoes the essay show rather than tell? \nDid I use any words that are not usually a part of my vocabulary? (If so, get rid of them.) \nHave I used the active voice whenever possible? \nHave I overused adjectives and adverbs? \nHave I eliminated clichés? \nHave I deleted redundancies? \nDoes the essay sound interesting to me? (If it bores you, imagine what it will do to others.) \nWill the ending give the reader a sense of completeness? Does the last sentence sound like the last sentence? \n\n4.PROOFREADING\n\nWhen you are satisfied with the structure and content of your essay, it is time to check for grammar, spelling, typos, and the like. You can fix obvious things right away: a misspelled or misused word, a seemingly endless sentence, or improper punctuation. Keep rewriting until your words say what you want them to say. Ask yourself these questions:\n\nDid I punctuate correctly? \nDid I eliminate exclamation points (except in dialogue)? \nDid I use capitalization clearly and consistently? \nDo the sub
1064989
Begin with Dear Formal Name.  Before you start, answer these 4 questions in complete sentences.  This might sound silly, but it is quite effective.\n\n1.  What is my topic?\n\n2.  What is the purpose of this essay?  Complete:  I want to _________________.  \n\n3.  Who is my audience?\n\n4.  Write your "working" thesis statement (to be tweaked in revision).  \n\nEven though it sounds silly, this is one of the most important parts of organizing an essay.  We often have an idea of what we want to write, and may think we are quite focused.  However, I often find that I wasn't really as focused as I thought when I complete this simple worksheet.  \n\nSince this is a letter, you want to keep it short.  Choose three specific points to argue.\n\nWrite an outline.  Yes, I really do write outlines for important letters.  \n\nDon't wait until the last minute.  Allow time for at least 3 revisions.  Also, you should allow enough time to "walk away" for 24 hours before the last revision.  That way you view it with a fresh mind.  \n\nPROOFREAD!!!!  \n\nUse the first person as little as possible.  That is sometimes difficult in a letter, but it can be accomplished.  Do NOT begin a sentence with "I think."  Ther reader knows you think it.  Otherwise you would not be saying it.  \n\nEven those this is a letter, it is still formal writing.  Therefore you should eliminate the 2nd person altogether during revision.  \n\nThis sounds like an important letter, so you should take the time to really polish it up.  The more professional you sound, the more seriously you will be taken.  \n\nGood luck!