RE:Handling abusive men.....I'm 52 years old. Starting over with a new life seems like a grim option.?
342079
First thing get out now!!! You don't need the abuse, been there done that, I got out and so can you.\n\nFile for divorce, do not give him a reason to get back in your life.\n\nSeek couseling so you don't do it again, it becomes a habit.\n\nLive alone for a while so you learn to strictly depend on yourself for everything and learn that you don't need a male to identify with.\n\nIf you don't want to get rid of him quit complaining and live with your choice.
742274
I hate to be the one to break the news to you but, I have no choice. I have felt exactly what you're talking about. There will come a breaking point where you decide whether you want to live in the present or die in the past. I'm sure you've had your share of sleepless nights and anxiety attacks. But you have the power if you take it back to pick up the pieces and move on. You may never be the same, but why would you want to be anyway? Hasn't this guy wasted enough of your life and taken enough of it away? I promise if you just get up and put your feet on the floor and walk out into your life it won't be long before all this just feels like a dream you had long ago. Get out, be seen, find better, move on.
890937
fiancee??  4 years?  Hmm.  blaming.  Hmmm.  throwing, slamming, yelling.... Not good.  He needs to learn how to manage his anger.  If you don't leave, then this may very well escalate into another domestic violence statistic.  Go explain your situation to the battered women's shelter.  They will appropriately advise you.  It's hard for you to see and understand that YOU DO have options.  Go tomorrow and find out what they are before you get physically hurt.  I know the emotional part is bad enough.... So go tomorrow.
1066754
I am going through the same exact thing right now.  I kid you not, the whole age thing is a brutal killer.  Either they will learn to accept it with time, or what happened to me is I tried to burry it and move on as well as she, and it only works to a point.  I think this is one of those things which has to come with time.  It has been one of the hardest things for me to go through, and I hate it, and it has been over a year for me that this has been going on.   I wish you good luck with this.  Brando
1156045
You don't need to be in that kind of marriage, you can do better than that, take pride in yourself, and get out, get away from him, because he may be emotionally abusive right now, but it can turn to physical abuse later, and then it may be too late to get out except by way of a coffin, please, don't make the same mistake I did, I left only after my ex- cut my throat with a piece of barb wire wrapped around my throat, and shot a double barrel shotgun off by my left ear(hard hearing in that ear now) in front of our children.  I thank God for nosy neighbors, that heard everything and called the police, so, I send out praise to all the nosy neighbors in Manchester, Tennessee.   Get out now while you can, ask a friend to help you get out, or you can call the domestic violence shelter, and ask them to help you,, don't become a VICTIM of domestic Violence, be a SURVIVOR.  Best of luck to you and God Bless, I will keep you in my prayers.
42541
Hello there,well i did have to stop to this question my dera!A question that i myself use to ask myself awhile ago,but for a long time now resolved!Now I really get the feeling that this questions also is asking for help and desperate mesures!Now i Do Not Know your Case..But I can Feel it!My Name is Smaara,I am from Canada a,Quebec,I am also Glad To answer this for You..But I am Also Offering You My Help!Now your Question Is Why Do Woman Always Get abused?-Well I have To say That in My entire life abuse was part of it..since i was 2 years old,You see i do not know you,and i know that you are living things that you do not deserve at all!In a Womans Life..She Who Has been Living With abuse,either Physical Or Phsycological is even if she doesnt want it seems to be attracted to it...If You had Abused since a very young age..when you reach teenager..you have the bad gift of usiing this vicious circle..that even without knowing!I Had a Really Rough Life Of Abuse...Believe me You Need To Get Out Of IT!Stop Now and Think About It...What Has Your Life Has Been Breing You With all The abuse You have Been Experiencing!I Lived it But Also Studied It and If You Do Not Btreak Up This Circle That Is around You,Following your Eveysteps Of Your Everyday Life Well...No Maen To Scare You But some Dont Make It OUt!Lots Of Woman Will Use The Help Hotline Our Abuse line..That is Not Your Way Out,And That My Dear Is What I Know,You need TO Get Out..Not Tomorrow,Not In a WEek,But asap.....Men Love To Abuse Woman Because Thery Feel It Gives Them Power,Yes Power Over You..He has a Nee To Feel that He Controls Youre Every Move And As Far As I KNow...I think That You Do Not Need That..Especially With The Life YOu Had!Mister Feels SO Important...But Let Me Tellk YOu,,Mister si Nothing But A Looser!Break it now while its Not To Late..You Need Help..I am There For You Even If You Do Not Know me.Read Below Plesae.
871176
Recommend you see a professional marital counselor first, and a divorce lawyer, and "get your ducks in a row".\n\nI would recommend you do that as soon as you possibly can because your situation at home is not something a woman should be involved in.\n\nAs a nuetral third party observer I assume I'm one of many who have told you leave your abusive husband.\n\nI'm not familiar with the psychology of what you are going through and I understand from the few articles I have read you might be undergoing some sort of dependence or whatever. There are halfway houses or whatever, there are enough mechanisms society has put in place for these types of situations.
1029998
Baby girl I've been in your shoes and been a counselor all my life. Move on from the ex. He made the choices that brought this on himself and he needs to live with the consequences of his actions. His punching bag is gone. He needs to grow up. Your child will be better not seeing the violence and the infidelity, which is not normal behavior. If your new man is a good one go to couples counseling before you get married. You have issues from the last time that will haunt you if you don't. Please get your child into a counselor too. Kids know much more than society gives them credit for. You can contact me any time if yu need to. This is what I do for a living. Please take care of yourself and know there are people out there who don't cheat and abuse. It is hard to find them when you have been in that cycle. Good for you that you are wondering about the new guy!!! It's called cycles. Get to know and recognize them, please. I'm here if you need me. Nana
275233
I was 20 and my low life ex left me with 2 baby girls.  It was very hard, now they are 13 and 14.  It is ever harder! But i have a great husband that helps me with everything.  Please learn from my mistake and wrap your life around your child.  Don't became wrapped up in looking for Mr.Right.  I was so focused on finding a father for them that I went from relationship to relationship and now they have a lot of bad feelings because I put them through it too.  Also, go to college.  There are MANY places that will help a single mother. They will even pay for your childcare while you go to school Take advantage them.  You just can't raise a child anymore on $5.00 or 6.00/hr.  That way you wont have to depend on anyone else. When have a degree and a good job then the right person will come along and you will be so secure that you wont have to depend on him.  I commend you on leaving your abuse relationship.  Remember God loves you and you deserve to be treated with respect and love.  If a man hits you one time, it is one time too many. You did the right thing!! Your going to be ok.  You will be a strong, independent mother and you baby will love you for that.  Just remember it's all up to you now, that baby's future is in your hands : ) Take care and good luck!
18695
It sounds like you do love this man but the old saying is good here.. "If mom isn't happy no one else is"  Yes I will be truly hard to start by yourself but I did it after I left a man that pushed me around and called me names and pretty much just made me feel like a piece of trash.  I have 2 children and I found a man the loves and respects me and my children.  I understand that love is hard to past especially when you have children involed. But you need to be strong. not just for yourself but for the children too. It is hard but you are a woman and just tell yourself when he comes around and tries to get you in his little trap "I am a woman strong and hear me roar" just keep telling your self that when he is around and hopefully you will be strong enough to stay out of the trap. I believe ppl change but at the same time the little pushing he does on you is just the first sign of abuse and with him doing mental abuse too it won't be long before it is so bad to where you are too scared to leave and if you need help there is so many places that have woman there to help you in your problems and I agree with you about counseling I don't see him going. I just feel that staying away from him is the best thing you can do for you and your children. And about him coming to see the children well you can have someone else there with you while he visits with the children he  has come to see them not you and make that clear to him. I think you can be strong and stronger then him if you have someone in your corner with you. Even just a friend or sibbling. Here is a website for you and there you can learn some things good luck and I wish you all the best.
325421
Hi Kels\nI'm glad you're getting better, and at 18 you really do have the rest of your life to move on and make a better life for yourself.\n  I had quite a turbulent, abusive past, and one of the things a therapist said to me at one stage, was to forgive myself.  i thought that was odd, but then I realised that all the time I had been living through this abuse and neglect I was only a child.  There was nothing I could do, I was dependent on the adults around me and not responsible for their actions.\nWhat she advised me to do was to see this little child, picture her in my mind and to hug her.  It's difficult to get there, but sooner or later you can do that.  You can give yourself the hug you wanted and didn't get, you can tell that little girl that this isn't her fault, you can give her the beginnings of self esteem and self worth that she needed then.  And you can forgive yourself and let go.\nIt works.  Once you can see that whatever happened in your life to make you lack self esteem  was something you had no control over and that letting go of the past is in your hands, you can begin to make plans to release the child and become the adult.\n  As for the shyness, that's a hard one sometimes.  Society puts such great store on getting out there and living the life, and partying and being in the thick of it, and really, some of us are just not meant to live our lives that way.  \n  Maybe think about joining a club, a small group that participates in something you enjoy, or even something you think you might enjoy but have never done.  It's amazing how many people do this and imagine everyone there is going to be brimming with confidence and then during the first coffee break you all discover you were all shaking in your boots and terrfied.\nStart small.  Set yourself a goal, something achievable, something you know you can do, if you just put in a tiny effort, and as your confidence increases you'll find it becomes so much easier to do the bigger things.  And sometimes there's nothing wrong with just saying, 'I'm feeling a little shy ...' people often prefer that to someone loud and arrogant taking over everything.\nYou can do it.  Good luck :)
660708
The tough choice in life, i was in a similar situation a long time ago, the first question is, do you have a good support system or the father of your children that can help take care of your children temporarily till you get your life together, it seems from this letter that you have to prioritize with  what you have to do before you end up homeless. My only suggestion is survival and a strong will get you through, and only you can help yourself even if there are tough decision you have to make in order to survive.  always, empathy in CT
393920
Dear Fallen,\n\nThe first thing to do is get out if that is what YOU truly want.  You shouldn't run off with the first thing that comes along either.  No man is going to make you happy until you can first be happy with yourself, on your own (I know that sounds difficult especially if you have always been with someone).  You will never be truly happy with someone if are not happy with yourself.  Move or get out but not because you met some guy you barley know, this could end up being worse especially if this man is married and or conflicted.  Do what is best for yourself and your children, that should be first and foremost! Do this and continue to speek and meet this man if it is safe after you have a better situation for yourself.  Maybe a True love will grow and not just the idea of better life/love because this man seems better than the one you have.  You may find this guy isn't that great or that he is great but, take time to really find this out.  Get yourself where you want be happy and healthy, and then you might find that there is even a better man out there.  If you have fear of violence from your current man, get help! Call the police if you are going to move out and tell them your concerns before hand and they will probably send out an officer to assist you.  If that is not an option you want to explore there are many groups that can assist women in that situation.  The main thing is to protect yourself, get a brother or other male family member that can help you move or help protect you.  There is no shame in telling family, friends or people who are willing to help that you have problems and need help.  The shame would be in not getting that help and bettering your life.  Weigh your options and make the best decision for yourself and children, just understand all that is involved and what, if any long term concerns could/can develop.  Good luck and God bless.\n\nThe Good Man
1075784
People who are abusive, whether it be physically, verbally, or emotionally, are number one, as a male, more likely to do this to a female.  Because they do not have the guts to go against a male.  And yes, they will come back and apologize, and then do it again, and apologize, and do it again, and apologize, and do it again, and apologize, and do it again, and apologize.  See a patten here?  People like that, depend on the kindness of others, to not go up against Them, and to demand that this type of behavior be stopped.  When You say a special friend, if You mean abusive, You are correct.  And You are not doing them any favors, by allowing this to continue.  His self esteem is real low, and chances are more likely than not, this stems back from His Childhood.  And there is also a reason in Your past, that allows this to seem like the norm.  Doesn't mean You can't try to help Him, You just have to be out of harm's way to do so.  He needs some Anger Management.  That is where I would start.  And Be Careful, this is only going to escalate, get bigger, larger, more difficult to handle, intensify, go awry.  Don't set Yourself up for a life like this.  If Your a Minor, get your Families assistance.  You have to shine light into the darkness, unless You want to be left in the dark, alone, one day, to deal with it by Yourself.  If You think that I am being overdramatic, don't do anything, let things stay the same way, and then write us back in a couple of months, if You can.  I have worked in this area, for many years, where this is almost an every day fact of life.  Some get lucky, some don't.\n\nGod Bless
665040
My abusive ex.  I won't go into details but the physical and mental damage done by this man is something I carry with me all the time.  Because of him I cannot have children and underwent 5 surgeries to fix the physical damage.  The paranoia I deal with on a daily basis because he has not been caught can be crippling at times, to the point I get afraid to go outside or go anywhere alone.  I cannot trust people like I used to nor do I let people close to me anymore, except a very select few.  It's left a feeling in me that seems to say people will suck you in by acting nice then they will turn on you like a rabid dog once you are sucked in and let your guard down.  I know, realistically, that isn't the case but it has left that feeling.  No, I'm not over this yet but I am working on it.  It just takes time to undo the damage done.  But it did take part of me and who I used to be away and I will never be able to get that back.
845029
You are obviously still young enough to find a better person.  This guy has waaaay too much baggage for you to carry.  Take it from someone who wasted alot of her young adult age on the same guy you just described.  Believe me, you're wasting your time.  At first, because we were "in love", he was all for the "help" and did alot to stop the bad habits he had.  But after a few years, he started to resent me, because I had "tied him down", "made his life boring"  you get the picture.  Then when he became depressed, because he wasn't having any "Fun", (If you call drinking yourself unconsious fun or getting arrested because you started a fight at a gas station, fun)  He was so pissed at me all the time, because he couldn't go "out" that he started to verbally, then physically abuse me.  I tried to stick by him,  help him, I always told him that "all I wanted to do was help him", he just said I was trying to control him.  He would purpously start fights with me just so he could leave and use me as an excuse to go "out".  The funny thing is , I refused to listen to my mom.  I paid for it with nine years in hell, and I haven't seen my family for twenty years.  Please while you still haven't been through hell, get out.  If you choose to stay, keep in touch and on good terms with mom, you WILL need her someday.  Watch out for the warning signs and take care of yourself.  Good Luck
988583
Well, this is kinda hard, but there is hope. I had a similar problem. I didn't used to know how to deal with my anger. I hid it and covered it and blew up at stupid times, until finally I did something I really regret. My gf hit me so I hit her back, and I went to jail. She could have left me, I deserved it, but she stuck by me. She helped me turn my life around and now we are happily married with a beautiful baby boy, 4 months old. we've been together for 5 years, married for 3, and it's great. But it wouldn't have been if I didn't go to counseling and get the help I needed (that took some time to realize too, over a year of meetings once a week for a few hours in group therapy), and if she wasn't strong enough emotionally to deal with it. We've proved our love over time, and we've never been happier. So stick in there IF he's willing to fix how he handles his emotions (anger is a motion, just like happiness or sadness, etc). The number one ingredient that has made the long term difference in all our problems/challenges, is having God at the center of our life. Without him, we both have been too weak at times, and would have fallen apart. With him, our love will never fail!