Detective Lady: (smiles) Are you flirting with me? I'm just kidding. Thank you anyway.\n\nMe: (looks her eyes).. Will you fall in love with me?\n\nDetective Lady: Are you serious? (laughs). Don't get me wrong, it doesn't mean because I invited for dinner you can just get under my pants that easy. But I like you. (moves closely to me, holds my hand)\n\nMe: I... (tries to kiss her)\n\n(suddenly.. the lights went out... room gets cold... the two felt something as if somebody is watching... someone whispers.. calling someone's name from a distance)\n\nDetective Lady: Did you hear that?!\n\nMe: Yeah. It sounds like a lady next door..\n\nDetective Lady: Nobody lives next door. It's been over 3 years now, after what happened.\n\nMe: Why what happened?!\n\n(then suddenly...)
206796
Ear piercing , mone-marrow chilling ' AAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH !!!!!!!!! '
205457
Sexy smile from across the room, a girls staring at me, like you are now. She is pointing her toe in my direction.\n\nAre you writing another E-Book from my info.\n\nI need to copy write this stuff.
145622
Females:\n1. You’re like a brother to me – Do you remember that geek in “deliverance” that played the banjo?\n2. There is a tiny age difference between us – I don’t want to date my dad\n3. You don’t attract me in THAT kind of a way – You’re the ugliest person I’ve ever seen\n4. My life is too complicated right now – I don’t want you there all night to hear my phone discussions with the other men I’m currently dating\n5. I have a boyfriend – I prefer my cat and 2l of Cola\n6. I don’t date my colleagues from work – I wouldn’t date you even if we were galaxy neighbours…\n7. It’s not your fault, it’s mine – It’s your fault\n8. I’m single – I sworn not to date men like you\n9. Let’s be friends – I want you to stay close by so that I can tell you about the men I am dating and currently having sex with. It’s the men perspective about things. \n10 I'm curentlly concentrating on my career - even something as boring and unsatisfactory as my job is better than dating you\n\n\nMales:\n1. You’re like a brother to me – You're ugly\n2. There is a tiny age difference between us – You're SO ugly\n3. You don’t attract me in THAT kind of a way – You're damn ugly\n4. My life is too complicated right now – You're Hideouslly ugly\n5. I have girlfriend – You're too ugly\n6. I don’t date my colleagues from work – You're UGLY\n7. It’s not your fault, it’s mine – You're... ugly\n8. I’m single – You're ugly\n9. Let’s be friends – You're U_G_L_Y \n10. I'm currentlly concentrating on my career - you're the most ugly person ever
365759
1)Theres a blonde and a brunette walking in the park. The brunette says to the blonde "look, a dead bird". The blonde looks up into the air and says "where?"\n\n2)Theres this blonde woman driving her car down the road and all of a sudden starts swerving. A police car behind her notices this and pulls her over. The blonde says "thank god your here officer, these trees keep appearing in the middle of the road and i have to swerve to avoid them." The officer replies "thats your air-freshener."\n\n3)Why shouldnt you let a blonde use your computer? You'll end up with tipex all over the screen. (cos shes usin the word processor, inevitably makes a mistake and tries to tipex it out) [do americans have tipex?]
125144
Translation:\n\nHi. Whats happening is this dang boy is getting on my last nerve. I hate it. Anyway, he says he wants to go out with me, and his friend says it too. His friend just called me to say that. Then, this girl that used to like him (but he wouldn't go out with her) said it was a joke. She said she asked him and thats was what he said. What should I do? I guess we're going out, but I don't know if we are or not.\n\nOk, now that people don't have such a hard time reading what you were trying to say, maybe they can answer.
367232
If you know that she likes you then grab her and lay a wonderful sexy kiss on her lips. Then ask her did that feel like a joke?
165454
Some parts didn't make much sense, but here it goes:\n\n"I'm' sorry I had to hang up today. My girlfriend was near and she is very jealous. I'm not enjoying this, I will send you the camera, all you have to do is wait a little bit, because I had a financial crisis. Did I tell you I'm coming back to  Florida? A (Kiss?)"\n\nP.S. I'm Portuguese.
459964
One evening last week, my girlfriend and I were getting into bed.\nWell, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says, "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."\n\nI said, "WHAT??!! What was that?!"\n\nSo she says the words that every boyfriend on the planet dreads to hear... \n"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man."\n\nShe responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?"\n\nRealizing that nothing was going to happen that night, I went to sleep. \nThe very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take, so I told her we'd just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said, "Lets get a pair for each outfit."\nWe went on to the jewelry department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings. Let me tell you... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. \n\nI started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis.\n\nI think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine, honey." She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.\n\nSmiling with excited anticipation, she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier."\n\nI could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."\nHer face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled,\n\n"WHAT?"\n\nI then said, "Honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while. \nYou're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."\n\nAnd just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"\n\nApparently I'm not having sex tonight either....but at least that b i a t c h knows I'm smarter than her
516562
She definitely didn't mean what she said. Very bad you didn't get the message. Next time she said something like that, you do something sexy to her like hugging or kissing her deeply with some foundling and so forth - trust me, you'll be surprised to see another "her" in love action (lol).
656690
Sex After 50 Years, In The Same Place\n\nThe husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this very tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you."\n\nYes, she says, "I remember it well."\n\nOkay, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old times sake?"\n\nShe says, "Oh Charlie, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but very good idea!\n\nThere's a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this, and having a chuckle to himself. \nHe thinks, "I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble." So he follows them.\n\nThey walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. \nFinally they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence. \n\nThe old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers.\nAs she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.\n\nSuddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the watching policeman has ever seen. \nThis goes on for about 10 minutes. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. \n\nThe policeman is amazed.  He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know.\n\nAfter about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. \n\nThe policeman, still watching thinks, this was truly amazing.  I've got to ask them what their secret is.\n\nAs the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must have had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" \n\nThe old man says, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
499789
I like a lot\n1."Elizabeth... It would never have worked between us, darling. I'm sorry. Will... Nice hat."\n2."Do us a favor... I know it's difficult for you... but please, stay here, and try not to do anything... stupid."\n3."You seem somewhat familiar. Have I threatened you before?"\n4."Me? I'm dishonest, and a dishonest man you can always trust to be dishonest. Honestly. It's the honest ones you want to watch out for, because you can never predict when they're going to do something incredibly... stupid."
22494
guy- do you wanna hear a joke?\n\nGirl- sure (if she says no your outta luck)\n\nguy- (grabs her hand a draws a line down the center of her hand using his finger.) Okay, the rabbit is on one side of this river.  The fox is on the other, the fox can't go around, across, through, over or under the river.  How does the fox get to the rabbit? (All the while holding her hand)\n\nGirl- I don't know how? (And if she comes up with any other answer, just tell her no!)\n\nGuy- He can't, I just wanted to hold your hand.\n\nHa ha ha!!  It sure got me!
338593
Ah the wiles of women fidgety.\nA police officer pulls a woman over."Is there a problem,Officer? she asks."Ma'am, you were speeding.Could I see your licence?"\n"I don't have one.I lost it four times for drink driving."\n"Okay," says the officer,"Can I see your registration documents."\n"Nope," says the woman."Can't do that either.I stole this car,killed the owner,and put his remains in the boot."\nThe horrified officer calls for back-up and within minutes five police cars circle the woman.A police chief slowly approaches,clasping a gun."Ma'am," he says,"open the back of the car please." She does so but the back of the car is empty."Is this your car, ma'am?" asks the chief."Yes," says the woman.\n"Here are the registration papers." The chief is confused."The officer claimed you don't have a driver's licence." The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out the licence."Ma'am this is a puzzle," says the chief."My officer told me you didn't have a licence,that you stole this car,and that you'd murdered the owner." "I don't believe it!" says the woman."Next you'll tell me the lying bastard said I was speeding too."
170554
Here's what really happened.  We'll call your boyfriend bob and you Jane and this other chick Sarah.\n\nSo Jane and bob are dating and Bob sees this chick Sarah who he thinks is really really hot and he's like OMG i would love to have sex with her.  But bob does love Jane and doesn't want to hurt her.  How do i have sex with Sarah and not betray Jane??  Bob asks himself.  Then he comes up with a plan.  "Jane" he says "me and you needs to take a break"\n"ummmm OK" Jane says :(\nring ring\n"hello?" Sarah says\n"this is bob.  OMG i want to have sex with you!!!!"&#92;\n"OMG Bob you are a total loser- aren;t you dating Jane??"\n"yeah but we took a break"\n"yeah, like YESTERDAY.  You loser!" CLICK\n\n\nomg.  bob thinks.  i AM a loser.  \n\nRING RING\n"hello?"\n"Jane this is bob.  i want you back."\n"but i heard about Sarah you loser."\n"oh i was just calling her for some other dude"\n"oh OK!  I love you!!!"\n\n\nPOSSIBLE ENDING:\n\nJane decides she's not so sure about bob.  she gets on yahoo answers and people let her know that bob is in fact a LOSER.\n\nRING RING\n\n"hello"\n"bob this is Jane,  i want to take a break.  A PERMANENT ONE."  :)\n\ntHE END\n\nand Jane lived a happy- loser free life.
633487
"I just scraped my knee when I fell in love with you."\n\nIt's not good--there are no good pickup lines--but it is funny.
233764
Well, they're pretty short to paraphrase, but I'll have a go:\n\n1. You'll look awful\n2. I saw her last with a man\n3. I was inspired\n4. He's a bit fake
498356
a tiny flirt banter ok!\nlots of flirting not ok you have a girl!