I have been in this relationship for a long time. My finace is sweet but he also has a temper and he cant seem to let go of his mother. Our family's dont get along and because he lost his job we have to live with his family with 12 people living in a 6 bedroom house. We dont have a room of our own, my things are being stolen when I go to work and everyone in the house treats each other horribly. My mother is willing to help me go to school and start a life as long as I move in with her and get away from my fiance. He doesnt want me to go to school because he is afraid I might find someone else. He also used to have a severe drug problem and I helped him through that but I am afraid he will fall back into the same pattern as he has done so before. Should I stay or should I go?
209851
I know this has to be a tough decision for you.  You have a lot invested in this relationship.  I don't know how old you are, but five years and helping someone quit drugs are big investments of time and emotion.\n\nHere's the thing.  He's too dependent.  Not only on you, but apparently on his mother.  That overdependence means that if you stay in the relationship, you will always be responsible for taking care of him and he will blame you if his life doesn't turn out like he wants.\n\nHis overdependence also means that he can't think of what's best for you.  Going to school would be best for you, but he fears losing you.  That's not really love.  When you love someone, you want what's best for them.\n\nI know it seems unloving to leave him to go back to school, but it may be the wake up call he needs.  As long as he has you to depend on, he may never grow up and get the help he needs.  By going to school and moving on with your life, you'll show him that it can be done.\n\nI hope you take your mom up on her offer.  You become like the people you surround yourself with.  It doesn't sound like  you are around people you want to become like now.\n\nWhat I would hate is for you to wake up five years down the road and find that your life is not substancially better than it is now, when in that same five years you could have an education and turn things around for yourself.\n\nI wish you all the best.
314847
I FEEL SO BAD! Where's the time for you? I didn't see anything for you at all. I didn't see any counseling for yourself. My fiancee has ADHD also and I know how that part of what you're going through. We're not married yet, but it's taken quite a bit to get his mom to finally accept our relationship but, your mothers treatment is UNACCEPTABLE! You ever watch the Nanny on tv? She says a childs behavior is UNACCEPTABLE quite a bit. She's not a child (which would be more Acceptable) she should be showing you more respect. You can only do what you can handle. You're first priority is to yourself and your immediate family. Meaning you, your children and your spouse. Your husband needs to stand up to the plate. (as my fiancee finally did) He needs to back you when it comes to his mother. His first priority is with you and your children. He also needs to be helping you with the children and around the house as much as possible. Even though he doesn't work, you two need to have a night out once-in-awhile by yourselves. Maybe, you can talk to your mother-in-law about a limit of times to help her and she in return watches the children for you night out. By this I mean EQUAL TIME. As far as the bills, reality isn't that your mother-in-law is going to pay the bills. First off, I don't see if you're living with your mother-in-law but, if you are that's going to be a majority of the problem. Which getting your own place would be greatly advised. There are places that can help with deposits and financial resources. In all, it makes me believe you are living with your mother-in-law and that's going to be a very hard and stressful situation. My advise is to move. Your husband may be ADHD (so is my fiancee) but, he still needs to know he is to be responsible. Write down what he needs to do and try to involve the children in all the chores. Watch "The Nanny." Or go online if you can't get that show in. She helps not only the children but, the relationship with the parents towards how to keep everything together. You're not a work horse and no one should treat you according. Good Luck!
433295
think he has a drug problem, and honestly lucky u kept your job and didn't put too much credibility into the move. u may love him but staying with him will only bring u down also  where he is. he won't talk to u because he don't want to be accountable, and he doesn't want help, or changes. he will keep doing the same things, and he is putting your credit in jeprody.this kind of man will always blame others and never take responsibility for any of his actions. there is nothing u can do to make it any different, if u stay with him your hurting yourself, and your son. get out now before it gets even worse. he can't be trusted or helped until he is willing to come clean with whatever it is that's causing this. it is a pattern of behavior with him, loosing job's, not being responsible with money, he will destroy you. u still have your son and your job, be happy for what u do have. odviously his marriage and job's are not really a priority.
305208
oh! i can definitely help you on that!\ni'm just like her! and you're just like my fiance.\nthough my trust issues are much better....\nhe messed up a few times in our relationship at the start, not cheating but we broke up and some other small things that added up so it got hard for me to trust, especially because the guys i had dated before him were the worst choices in males anybody could ever make.\n\nif she's had some relationships before you and she's always been the one hurt in them, she may be worried that it could happen with you both and she's a bit hesitant in letting the walls down complete....\n\nif you've done something in the relationship that's made her doubt.... compromise. my fiance and i have agreed on things i know will help, and i've told him "it's almost like a breakup, you just can't forget that easily, and it hurts so badly, but i knwo i can get over it with time"\nbe there for her, talk about it, dont let fights boil out of it, and if they do, don't end it just over that, relationships aren't easy (obviously) and they're meant to be very hard to show you "do i love this person" and if you can tolerate all of it then that's great.\n\ni'm just like her, i'm trying to forget things, but it's hard and so i read into every little thing and turn things around, or think too widely about them when really it just means what was said.\nsometimes women can overanalize things and sometimes we just would rather place judgement and be mad rather than think about it.\n\ngood luck, but please stick with her and talk to her about it.... you sound like my fiance and the world needs more guys like you who will (regardless of the tough times) stay no matter what becuause we're loved that much.\n\noh yes and how much do you know about her past.... if she had to be taken from parents, see why, maybe she saw how her father treated her mother, maybe he was abusive and cheated on her and such, and she saw it.... or heck maybe her mother did it to her father.... ther'es so many things that could be the underlying issue... stay with her and talk it out... you'll reach some agreement of what can be done and you'll be glad it's fixed in the end
477514
The situation is that his mom is pressuring you to work things out, but she has no idea what needs to be worked out.  \n\nManaging his parents is his job.  At a minimum, he should tell her to back off and leave you alone.  IMHO, he should come completely clean when he talks to her.  If he won't do it, then you can do it for him.  \n\nBe prepared for her to blame you for his infidelity.
541482
You didn't say how long you have been involved with him. His mom may think you two don't know each other very well, and doesn't want to see either of you get hurt. Be sure you tell mom that you are grateful to her for giving you a place to stay during the rough times, and you feel it is time for you to move out and get your life back on track. Tell her you are sorry that she doesn't agree with you guys moving in together, but that you guys care deeply for one another...maybe she just needs to hear it from you.
256870
Girl - are we related???  My brother is the EXACT SAME WAY and has done the same thing to me.  He's been this way since he was around 20 as well but he's freakin 31 now and still a bum.  However, my mother is still alive so he's lucky - and that's where he lives.  She enables him and that is why he will never change.\n\nI say you have to show him TOUGH LOVE.  Do not enable him to be unemployed, jobless, etc. or else he will never change. Some people have to learn the hard way.  Let him fend for himself.  Help him at a distance.  If you feel you need to let him live with you - place strong conditions on it - such as he must respect you and speak to you accordingly and the first time he doesn't - he's out.  Do not bend on that.  Then make his butt get a job and go back to school to get his GED.  Have an agreement with him before you let him back in that those are the conditions and if he does not do them - he will have to live elsewhere.  There are shelters in every state. Be strong and firm.  And pray for your brother as well.
305768
If you have exhausted all efforts to fix your relationship and you KNOW IN YOUR HEART that he is always going to be the way he is then leave.  One last ditch effort would be to go to counseling.  If he isn't willing to follow through with counseling, that shows he isn't willing to do "anything" to be with you.   Should you decide to leave him, so what if you have four kids and two exes.  You have no clue who would want to be with someone with four kids and two exes because you haven't been single, your life has been consumed trying to make your family work.  There is always someone for everyone.  A good friend gave me advice that she had to try EVERYTHING she could to try to make her relationship work before she walked out on it.  That way she would know in her heart it wouldn't work and could walk away with no regrets.  If you are to that point, then leave.  If you chose to leave, things will be difficult but I am sure you have a lot of friends that will be there for you.
427687
He is a control freak though he must be quite insecure for him to act this way.  Presumably you have confronted him with his demons and asked him why he acts the way he does towards you. And I would imagine that you have told him that you are not happy with how things are between you.  \n\nYou have allowed yourself to be manipulated for 6 years and have done nothing about it, so I presume you were head over heels with your boyfriend. It is so hard to see a person for what they really are when you have an all consuming passion for someone. However, thank goodness you have woken up to the fact that he taking over your life and not allowing you to be yourself.\n\nJust imagine how unhappy you would be if you decided to marry this man. Gradually his possessiveness will turn to violence believe me. Especially if you started a family as he would not be allow you to share your love with anyone else.\n\nYou are your own person with a job and independence, so use that you your advantage and start saving some money so that you do not have to be dependant on him. Can you go back to your folks until you get your life sorted out?. I am sure they will welcome you with open arms, until you have sorted your life out.\n\nPlease do not leave it until you have reached the point of no return and do not let him use the emotional blackmail bit by telling you he will kill himself if you leave him. Be strong for everyones sake and go now...that's if that is what you want and feel there is no way of salvaging this relationship.\n\nAll the best to you my dear. Ax
370501
I responded to your first question..but Ill say it again. Talk to him nicely and find out what the underlying issue is. I really think it is more than money. He resents you for something that may or may not have nothing to do with money. Sounds like the overall relationship is not so healthy. It may be time to move on. Do you have a family member to move in with. If you really want to try to make it work...see a counselor-but start with talking to him yourself. He might open up to you and tell you why he doesnt want to help you out.  Good luck.
534893
This is tragic.\n\nI am very sorry for what has happened.\n\nI feel frankly that you probably should go back with your momma. Your husband is being silly and throwing away a good woman. Moving your life is hard and he didn't seem to realize that not everyone can just pack up and leave. You were sick as well, so how dare he?\n\nIsn't he supposed to respect and love you? You have held your end of the bargan. He has failed with his. I would definatly move back with momma and divorce him. If he isn't willing to work it out and cheats...there really is little hope.
217857
tell your hubby how you feel. If your not comfortable living there anymore, tell him. Let him know that you have nothing against his mom, but you've also got your lives to think about. You two need time to yourself, need your own privacy, and need your own space. Tell his mom, that even though it's her house, you have rights to, and need your space. You could always move out to a place of your own, maybe your hubby will follow, maybe he just wants to support his mom for the rest of his life. Talk to him, he might have things on his mind about the situation to
587438
This is not about you or your boyfriend's son.  This is about your boyfriend.  I can pretty much guarantee you that he has made it clear that he is going to be with you and she is PISSED OFF!!! It has a little to do with what you do for the son, but it has more to do with what you are getting and have.  You have to remember that you have the life she would of had if she wasn't such a b*****.  There is no way that anyone can talk to her about this because she is too angry and irrational right now.  Basically, you cannot reason with crazy people.  However, your boyfriend does have some rights if he is paying child support.  She CANNOT keep him from seeing his son if he is paying child support.  If he has to take her to court to get visitation, then go to court.  If he isn't paying child support, then he's got a problem.  Of course you do not want to put the child through custody battle, but it might come down to that if he's not paying.  Most importantly, do not give up fighting to see him.  Bring in a mediator, go see a priest, hire a witch doctor, whatever, but do not give up on this child.  Even if his mother does not see it, I am sure that this little boy felt safe in your home with his two brothers, his father and you.  And no matter how this turns out remember that if she continues to do this, that little boy is going to resent and hate her.  Every kid needs to know their parents and when he gets a little older and understands what she's done, I pretty sure that he is going to go running to his father and she might be left with nothing.  So keep the door unlocked for him.
377815
Just be careful...you're still very young!  Living with someone and dating them are two different things.  Its very diffcult, even when you have a good relationship.  Why don't you just stay there for the summer and see how things go...and if that works out then move in with him.  I wouldn't just throw my bag over my shoulder and go down there without a plan (i.e. a job lined up, a school that's accepted you).  Your mom is right in being concerned b/c it seems to me like you don't have a real plan other than moving in with your boyfriend.  If you want your mom to accept this plan you need to show her that you actually have a PLAN.  Just moving in is not a plan.  Apply to some schools down there, and apply for some jobs, and maybe she'll be more apt to support your move.
169884
both. he is emotionally abusive, and you don't need to put up with it.  find a friend or someone to stay with while you save money to get your own place. then if he changes, then keep your own place, and allow yourself to Maybe hang out at his place with him.  that way if he acts bad in any way you can leave and show him it's not a permitable activity
269763
Your doing the right thing by going home. If he gets mad, too bad! if he really loves you, he would want what was best for you....Until he gets his shyt together and move you into a place you can call home, I wouldn't worry about it!
118716
Are you at his house? Is he at your house? Are you two living together? By reading your question, I will say that you put too much weight on this matter.  My mother is like that.  She will stay up all night waiting to see when my father or me will come home if we said something wrong that day.  This is normal human behavior. However, I like to caution you that a relationship which consist of arguing and one person staying up all night until the other person coming home (so that they can talk) is no real relationship.  He is probably seeing someone I'm sorry.  A man is not a REAL man if he can't be precise.  Men tends to excused themselves to get some free time or some space.  Sweety, in the long run, you are going to be the one who loses at the end.  You will never feel any better in the morning, trust me.  There are many other nice guys out there.  However, please look at the situation carefully and see why are you two arguing.  You may be the problem.  All your worries at night will just push him away instead of bringing him closer to you.  If I were you, I would talk to your girlfriends and your family about this.  This is SERIOUS matter.  A sweetheart like you does not need to be staying up all night and worrying like that.  Instead you should be sleeping well and warm and waking up to beautiful flowers next to you, from him.  Do not do anything more to stress you..   Serpeanta@yahoo.com