My husband left in Jan. and now I want to try and work things out. Well I have been seeing this guy since he left and things have been great but, I don't think it will work. He is so in love with me. How do I let him go easy? I hate breaking up with people. But he made a huge change to move here with me and everything and he is moving his son here too. There is an age difference of about 14 yrs. We both have been unhappy for the past 6 years in seperate relationships, but being away form my husband has made me realize I still love him and he still loves me. But we don't want to jump back into things. Any advise?
205724
You said that *you* want to work things out with your husband and that *you* realized that you still love him and he still loves you. What about the husband? Does he feel the same? That isn't clear.\n\nWhether or not you like breaking up with people, if you are going to date, it's something you must be prepared to do. Naturally things with the boyfriend went great, and of course he's in love with you - you're both on the rebound. That makes you more sensitive and considerate in a relationship. You don't have years of history with him yet, with the little unintentional hurts that can poison a wonderful relationship. \n\nIt's imperative that you break up with the boyfriend immediately if you don't plan to see it through with him. Children are involved. Be honest. You've only been with him 4-5 months, and it sounds like it started immediately after your husband left. Simply explain that while you like him, and things have been great, you started your relationship too soon, while you were still reeling from your husband leaving. Tell him that the time that has gone by made you realize you want to give it another chance with the husband. Be gentle but firm. If it helps, write out exactly what you want to say in a letter, and keep it handy. Then keep it in your pocket. When you tell him, if it becomes too... emotional... give him the letter and excuse yourself.
489191
DAY at a TIME. If you still love him then try reverse psychology. Be nice to him, agree with what he says, and he will not know what to do or say. Be mature and tell him, ....OH, I am so tired of us not getting along...it is so old. Interfere in your life? He is still part of your life because of the kids, and he will always be a part. Try it, what could it hurt? I went through the same things, my kids would say....she wants us to call her mom... Then I said ...how lucky...you have two moms. ... And honey, if something were to happen to me, then she would take care of you. IT works !!  I used psychology to get control of any situation..  Oh  and if you want to get him back , just tell him.. I had a dream of us, when we first met, do you remember or say positive things, like...the kids did something today and it reminded me of you, they sure are just like their father. If you are still married, there is still hope if that is what you really want. Good Luck !
237470
you are making an excuse "can't keep...living through him."\nif you wanted to be with him you would go with him.\nif you don't want to go overseas, don't.\nit seems completely reasonable that you simply prefer to stay where you are.\nyou are ready to settle down but feel awkward about pressuring him to do so.
8132
1.  If you are having problems in your current relationship that you just run away from, they will come back on you.  Get counseling before you do something irrevocable.\n2.  It's not fair to your husband to dissolve your relationship without giving him a chance to make it work better.  \n3.  If you really feel that you should be single, price out how much it will be to leave your husband.  Can you get a place to stay that is safe and affordable?  Will your husband be able to stay where you live or are you going to force him to leave his home?  \n4. If you leave, do you have any single friends?  How are you going to meet these mythical lovers?  Are you being realistic in your expectations or are you daydreaming about finding the perfect lover?\n5. You say you want "freedom".  What kind of freedom are you looking for, and could you possibly find it within your marriage?  And if you can't get it within your marriage, why do you think you can get it outside of your marriage?\n\nWhatever you do, I recommend a book called "Recovering Love", by J. Richard Cookerly.  Ignore the subtitles, the book is really about what really makes marriages work.  It will help you and your husband rebuild your relationship if you choose that path, and it will help you choose future lovers better if that's the path you choose.
43232
It (probably) means that it wasn't meant to be. You two have lived it up and have produced two lovely children. I'm sure the both of you love them more than life itself. But perhaps that's where it ends...It seems like you have tried everything. Hell, you even went to counseling. Good job on both of your parts. You two want it to work. Maybe you're going through a phase? Maybe you should spice things up a bit. Join a club together, join together in a new sport, go hiking, camping, maybe you could spend less time with each other. Mabe ALL you need is a BREAK. C'mon now...16 years together. THAT tells you something. It cannot just stop like that. Do not give up. There is a reason why the two of you are together. There is a reason why you met, why you got married, why you decided to create children. Reminisce together about the days when you were younger, the crazy things you guys did for each other, the first time you told each other 'I Love you', etc. Do not give up. If it's an attraction/physical thing, work it out (Literally). Get sexy, make him look at you like you're the hottest thing to have walked this earth. It's not over sweetie. I believe in you guys.
105709
If he was really into you and really wanted to be with you he would.  But maybe he felt that way about you and you blew it.  Sometimes we don't know what we have until it is gone.  That sucks.  He does need to stop jerking your heart around though because you will never move on if he keeps stringing you along.  NOT FAIR.  Either he wants to be with you or he doesn't.  Don't play games.  If you have children you are too old to be playing games!!!!   Tell him honestly one more time how you feel but this is the last time and then you are moving on.  And MEAN it.  If he decides to stay with the new one tell him that you will no longer discuss his feelings for you.  Don't let him jerk your emotions around.
289615
im not going to judge you like others...if you love him like you say then you cant help what your heart feels.\n\nhas he been with you while he has promised to leave his wife? how long has this been going on? you need to take these into careful consideration.\n\nin these cases there are a few options:\n1. he stays with his wife while you keep hanging\n2. he leaves his wife and he dumps you\n3. he leaves his wife and you have a wonderful life together\n...is it any wonder why youre so conflicted?\n\ndepending on how long your "relationship" has been going on and how he feels about you (if he claims to love you too) you will most likely have to give him an ultimatum. because if someone REALLY wants to leave the person they married they would do it regardless of what stands in the way. plenty of men have left wonderful wives behind for selfish reasons...so if its just not working out with him and her then he needs to face that and move on.\n\nwhen you give the ultimatum and he says that he cant leave her...then theres nothing more you can do. if he says to wait some more, explain how you cant keep putting your heart on the line to wait for him. and NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS you must walk away. perhaps it will make him understand the situation he's in and make an appropriate decision - whether its you or her. \n\nand who knows - maybe even if he doesnt make up his mind right away he'll end things properly with her and come back to you. still, unless you leave (even temporarily) he will find it easier to just deal with the two of you to avoid any more drama than whats insued.\n\nthe best of luck to you in this situation - my heart goes out to you! make sure to protect yours!
469090
Oh sister! If you love this man and he - clearly - loves you too...hang on to it. Do the best you can with the distance. Or just agree to email, write, talk on the phone and see where you both are after the 2 1/2 years are over. Real love between two people is too rare to let it go. If you believe in your heart and mind that you are in love with this man and you feel his love in return - do whatever you have to do to make this work...even if that means waiting for him.\n\nI hope he comes home safe. Best wishes for happiness!!
264927
I can completely understand the hurt you must feel because it is hard to be with someone that long and then suddenly all of your dreams are shattered when they decide that they need some space. No matter what, you have to face the fact that you are going to hurt for a little while but please know that it gets better with time.  It's better for your ex to decide that he needs space now than to wait until you are married to decide this.  My best advice for you is to not crowd him.  Give him the space he needs but don't completely disappear from his life.  You know the saying that absence makes the heart grow fonder and that if it is meant to be then it will be.  In the meantime, occupy your time so that you aren't thinking about this constantly and you will start to feel better.  I wish you lots of luck and I hope that he comes back to you.
247874
This is a situation that takes lots of time and consideration. I know what you mean I'm in the same boat. I'm 23 with 2 kids and I love my husband dearly, but there is one old boyfriend who makes my heart skip a beat but I know that we weren't meant for each other or things would have happened differently. You love your husband, if you didn't you would've left him by now. The only thing that's different now is the new guy. My advice to you is not to tear up a family of 3 years just because the grass looks greener on the other side, because it never is! Women are hopeless romantics and we would do almost anything to be swept off our feet and ride off into the sunset with prince charming on his white horse. But if you were to leave this man of 3 years what would be different with the new one? Three years from now will be the same story. You have to learn how to make things in your current relationship stay fresh and vibrant. You have to keep the flame burning. When a fire starts to die you just add more wood. Not wait till it burns out and then start a new one. Trust me, if both of you work at it and you keep open and honest communication between you and your spouse you will have a relationship that is almost unheard of now a days!
599028
Now my spouse makes me feel complete. It only took 30 years. All I can say is you have to compromise. If you fight, you can't leave , you can ignore each other until everything cools down. I watched my sibblings leave their spouses time and time again, they always went back. That was time wasted. Work things out. There are no 2 people perfectly compatable. You have to work at it. Even now , we are not even 80% compatable, but there was no way, even 10 years ago that I was gonna start over. You probably found the right person, but how would you know , now? Good luck.
355174
Here's our story...tell me what you think.\n\nWe originally met in 9th Grade, he was the new boy in school.  We became fast friends and soon became more than that.  We were inseperable, many crazy adventures and all that fun young love stuff.  We broke up just before the school year ended because of our friends...you know the only people you listen to when you are 15 years old.\n\nWe stayed friends over the years, going for coffe every month or so to catch up.  I had the travel bug so after high school I moved around a bit, when I was gone he met someone else and married her.  On one of my stops home I found out he had married this girl (who I knew & knew she was not a good person), I told him my concerns & in my heart I knew that if he said me wanted he back I'd go.  He didn't so I was off on my journeys again.\n\nWell when I was 31 I moved back to my home town.  As luck would have it we met up one night, he was still married to the girl but he had been living in his basement for the last 6 years and had little or nothing to do with his wife.  He was miserable. \n\nWe spent that night catching up, when it was time to go home he grabbed my hand and said he let me go once & he was never going to do that again.  He moved out the next day and we are now married and have a beautiful 3 year old little boy.  \n\nSo no, I don't worry about him leaving me for someone else.  I think it all depends on the situation, and the rest of the story.  People look for love outside of their relationships because there is usually something wrong within their current relationship.  Others are just really shallow and want a "trophy wife"...those relationships never work out.
113707
first of all . . . . you both married too young . . . unable to merge your life together.\n\nHe won't change until he has grown up . . . and I know you love him . . . but you either accept him the way he is . . . or you leave him.\n\nIf he runs away . . . when things get tough . . . imagine how it would be if you got pregnant and have children . . . it would be very difficult . . . and it would be unfair to the children.\n\nHe hasn't matured enough . . . and neither have you . . . as for divorce. . . .  you were married for less than a year . . . get it annulled . . . it is cheaper and would be like you two were never married.  If you wait until the year mark  . . . I am going to ask why . . . so you could collect 6 months alimony.\n\nEnd it . . . and keep your dignity.  You can date him . . . until he matures . . . but as for living together . . . forget it.  Also . . . use the time . . . to your best interest . . . focus on your career because you are being distracted by this.
71807
I fully understand your crisis. My EX-HUSBAND of 10 years went into the military and we basically kepted in contact by phone. He would also come home once in a blue moon and finally after completing 5 years in the Air Force, he one day surprised me by appearing at the door step. Our daughter was 5 years old at the time and I had already built a complete seperate lifestyle without him. I was working full-time and a student along with caring for our daughter, home, bills, etc. \n\nUpon his arrival, I felt so claustrophobic and found myself everyday becoming more and more frustrated. Even my boss pulled me aside and told me about the change in behavior. AND I dropped out of college, just couldn't function. Finally, after (1) year living together...I hate to say it..BUT, I left him and went back to what I knew...went to what truly made me happy. Today, he's re-married and very happy with the women who worships the ground he walks on. I don't regret what I did one bit. \n\nI'm not telling you that the easy way out of a situation is to just walk away. BUT, from the sound of things, not only are you not thinking of having a family, but second guessing on living with your husband. Apparently, you are not ready to give up your privacy nor space. A marriage counselor would be suggested in this situation...but at the same time, YOU have to also sit back and soul-search, because only YOU know what your heart desires.\n\nI would suggest that you speak with him and in a hurry, before allowing yourself to be unhappy in this marriage.   Do yourself a favor and break it to him gently. Because as a married women age (35), within a year, you will end up looking (50) from stress, frustration, and unhappiness.
641310
Well, as a wife and mother of 5 children and married for 23 yrs...I can honestly say love is unconditional and is sometimes a rollercoaster...if you are not already married, you still have a choice...but do know this friend..."what once was, can be again"...sometimes you have to return to your first love..the things you did...what you said...how you treated each other...now, if those "things" you refer to are harrassing, violence, and such...a sit down talk in a "neutral" spot is the answer there. Be honest if this must be done...be specific..& don't leave it "open ended"...like "we'll see"...I need space for now...needs to be clean cut...best of everything!
113239
"I won't let you leave"? That sounds a rather possessive. You should watch out for this guy. It doesn't sound like you got to know one another very well so I doubt if he came back in 2 years you two would suddenly know all about one another. Perhaps you should move on and look for someone you can get to know better before making lifelong decisions.
166212
Ask yourself the hard questions, take your time answering them, and then take action.\n\nIs this your forever man and you need him to get over a few issues, or were you guys pretty much on the way to breaking up until a child complicated things?\n\nWhat are you going to do for a job now?  Where do you want to be in the future?  How can you get there while making a living now?  \n\nWhich town would be better for you and your child?  (The dad doesn't count unless you are keeping him--two hours is not a long drive to visit your kid a few times a month.)  If there is plenty of employment in both places, you might want to move where you will be closer to the love and support of friends and family.  If you moved out of a town that only has jobs at WalMart and McDonalds, you might want to stay in or move to a city with more opportunity.  (Don't move back in with the folks if there is any way to avoid it--move close to them and get them to babysit.)  \n\nLife is a journey and you have to draw your own map.  It is tempting to wander through it without a plan, but most people that do stop wandering and stay in the same place forever.  You don't need to figure out the details, just your direction.  The details work themselves out if you keep pushing yourself in the right direction.