Two lawyers had been stranded on a desert island for several months. The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree. Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming. \nOne day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "WOW, I just can't believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction."\nThe lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, "You're hallucinating; you've finally lost your mind." But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunning redhead, face up, totally naked, unconscious, and without so much as a ring or earring on her person.\nThe two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.\nOne said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now without a woman. It's been such a long, long time. So, do you think we should screw her?"\n"Out of what?" the other lawyer responded.
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He heh..\nMore:\n\nThese are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.\n______________________________________\nATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?\nWITNESS: No, I just lie there.\n_____________________________________\nATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?\nWITNESS: July 18th.\nATTORNEY: What year?\nWITNESS: Every year.\n_____________________________________\nATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?\nWITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.\n______________________________________\nATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?\nWITNESS: Yes.\nATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?\nWITNESS: I forget.\nATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?\n_____________________________________\nATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?\nWITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.\nATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?\nWITNESS: Forty-five years.\n_____________________________________\nATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?\nWITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"\nATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?\nWITNESS: My name is Susan.\n______________________________________\nATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?\nWITNESS: We both do.\nATTORNEY: Voodoo?\nWITNESS: We do.\nATTORNEY: You do?\nWITNESS: Yes, voodoo.\n___________________________________\nATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?\nWITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?\n__________________________________\nATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?\nWITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one..\n______________________________________\nATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?\nWITNESS: Would you repeat the question?\n_____________________________________\nATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?\nWITNESS: Yes.\nATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?\nWITNESS: Uh....\n______________________________________\nATTORNEY: She had three children, right?\nWITNESS: Yes.\nATTORNEY: How many were boys?\nWITNESS: None.\nATTORNEY: Were there any girls?\n_____________________________________\nATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?\nWITNESS: By death.\nATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?\n______________________________________\nATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?\nWITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.\nATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?\n_____________________________________\nATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to \ndeposition notice which I sent to your attorney?\nWITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.\n _____________________________________\nATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on \ndead people?\nWITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.\n______________________________________\nATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?\nWITNESS: Oral.\n______________________________________\nATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?\nWITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..\nATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?\nWITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!\n_____________________________________\nATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?\nWITNESS: Huh?\n_____________________________________\nATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?\nWITNESS: No.\nATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?\nWITNESS: No.\nATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?\nWITNESS: No.\nATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that
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Okay,\n\nWillie was rolling down the hall of his nursing home like he was driving a car, when an aide turned the corner and seen him, the aide asked what are you doing Willie responded im driving to chicago for a week on vacation The aide chuckled and entered johns room only to catch john pleasuring himself, when asked what he was doing john responded im screwing willies wife while hes in chicago!\n\n\nAn elderly Lady bought a set of parrots, when she got them hold she couldnt figure out which was male and which one was the female, she called the pet store and asked, the employee said just watch them closely and it will become obvious. She watched for weeks when finally they did what comes natural she cut a ring from cardboard and placed it around the males neck.\nHours later the local preacher showed up at the womans home, The parrot took one look at the preachers collar and said she caught you in the act to!!!\n\n\nWhat did god say when Michael Jackson got to the pearly gates?\nNig*a i didnt make you this way!\n\n\nA little girl was walking through town with her mother when she picked up something off the ground and stuck it in her mouth. Her mothert warned her not to do that, it has germs on it and such. The girl asked how do you know. Of course everyone knows this stuff. She replied:You have to know that stuff to become a mommy its on the mommys test you have to know it to pass. They walked on a little longer in silence as the girl was pondering this new information, Suddenly the girls says with enthusiasm "I get it if you fail, you have to be the daddy!!!"\n\nHope you like it!
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Oooooooo that's Dirty. I love it. I got a good one too:\n\nA couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.\n\nThe wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.\n\nShe joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sidled up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.\n\nShe let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her\near and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang.\n\nJust before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.\n\nShe was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had. He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."\n\nThen she asked, "Did you dance much?"\n\nHe replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a real good time!"
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I dont think this one would kill anyone but i think its funny.\n\nThere once was a woman with no arms and legs sitting \non the beach crying,\na man walks by and says why are you crying?\nthe woman replies "i have never been hugged befor\nso the man bends down and huggs her and walks on.\nanother man walks by and the woman is still crying\nand he asks 'why are you crying?"\nthe woman replies "ive never been kissed before."\nso the man bends down and kisses her.\nAnother man walks by and notices the woman crying\nand asks "why are you crying?"\nthe woman replies "ive never been Fu**ed before"\nthe man picks the woman up throws her in the ocean\nand says "now your Fu**ed\n\nI no this is a cruel joke and i am not making fun of people with disabilities but i thought it was funny.
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2 greenbeans cross the road. 1 greenbean gets hit by a truck. They both get rushed to the hospital. First greenbeans waits in the emergency room for hours, the docotor finally comes out, and says: "I've got some good news and bad news... " The greenbean says: "Give me the good news first..." Docotor says: "The good news is he's going to live, the bad news is he's going to be a vegetable for the rest of his life......."\n\nA guy walks into a bar with jumper cables around his neck, and the bartender says: Okay dude, you can come in, but don't start anything!\n\nWhy did the turtle cross the road? To get to the Shell station.\n\nA company, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. \n\nOn a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means business!\n\nThe CEO walks up to the guy and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"\n\nA little surprised, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I make $300.00 a week. Why?"\n\nThe CEO then hands the guy $1,200 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"\n\nFeeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-off did here?"\n\nWith a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."\n\n\nAnd that is all I know!
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Was that you, you son of a b*tch.  \n\nI was sneaking over to my best friends house to get some off his wife while he was at work.  \n\nShe was rather bold when she invited me over in a whisper right in front of him and their young son to party.  I thought to myself - sh*t yeah,  all my smooth well rehearshed lines combined with those years in the gym had finally paid off.\n\nI had fantasized for years about exactly what I would do  with her and was prepared to take full advantage of the situation.  \n\nI dressed in my very best clothes that I had just picked up from the tailor and started over to her place.  \n\nAs I am crawling through some bushes (her and her husband live right behind me) rather stealthily, I hear this whirling noise so I look up.  All of a sudden, literally out of the blue,  f*cking splat!!!!!!!!!!!!\n\nA godd*m cake came crashing down all over me, my clothes, my flowers, and my 20 pack of condoms.  Everything was covered.  \n\nTo make it worse,  birds started swarming down on me like locust and apparently your f*cking cake gave them a case of the sh*its.  \n\nBy the time they had pecked all of the frosting off me, I was covered with whelps and looked like one of the gargoyles on Notre Dame cathedral, completely covered with runny bird sh*t.\n\nHaving just taken half a bottle of Viagra before I began this f*cking nightmare, nothing was going to stop me from relieving my now raging erection.  I persevered only to find out the b*tch was serious when she said come over and lets party.  \n\nIt was her 5 year olds birthday.\n\nA pretty lousy day all around - thanks for nothing you f*cker.
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I don't believe the Irish are that naive fidgety or are they?\nA pregnant Irish woman falls into a coma after a car crash.After a year she wakes up to find she's given birth to twins, a boy and a girl."Where are they?" she asks."It's all right," says the doctor, your brother came and took them. He's had them baptised and everything." "Oh God,not my brother," says the woman,"He's such an idiot.What did he call them?" "Well he named your daughter Denise,,,," says the doctor."Oh, that's nice" says the mother."........and he called your son Denephew."
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The Day I Died\n\nIt got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to \naccept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. \nPeter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first \nman, "Tell me about the day you died." \n\nThe man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an \naffair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all \nover the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out \nonto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man \nhanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a \nhammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some \nbushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony \nand it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, \nand I died." \n\nSt. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it \nwas a crime of passion, he let the man in. \n\nHe then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, \nsir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on \nthe balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and \nslipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the \napartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my \nfingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then \nthe guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" \n\nSt. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really \nstart to enjoy this job. \n\n"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. \n\n"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
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An oldie_\n\n3 sisters got married on the same day and all spent the night at their mother's home one last evening.\nThat evening after all had gone to bed the mother decided to listen at each door to see/hear what was going on.\nThe next morning the following conversation took place:\n\nMother to the first daughter:\n"darling I went by your room and all I heard was screaming, what happened to make you scream?"\n1st daughter to  mother:\n"well it was my first time mom and it hurt, that is why I was screaming"\n\nMother to the second daughter:\n"and you, all I heard was laughter coming from your room, what happended to make you laugh?"\n2nd daughter replies:\n"well mom, it tickled so I was laughing"\n\nMother to the third daughter:\n"YOU, I heard not a peep come out of your room, what happened for you to be so quiet?"\n2nd daugheter replies:\n"mom, you taught us not to speak with our mouths full!"\n\nLong but I hope you enjoyed.
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A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"\n\nThe husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to **** your brains out, and suck your **** dry."\n\nThen, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"\n\nHe replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."\n\n\n------------------------------...\n\nAs an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."\n\nShe removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"\n\nA man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!". \n\n\n------------------------------...\nThere was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.\n\n\n------------------------------...\n\nA guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."\n\n\n------------------------------...\n\nThere are four kinds of sex :\n\nHOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.\n\nBEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.\n\nHALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "**** YOU"\n\nCOURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer **** you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got. \n\nSource(s):\nThis beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionallism goes right out the window...\n\nHe tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.\n\n"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?\n\n"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.\n\nHe tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."\n\nFinally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"\n\nShe replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"\n\n\n------------------------------...\n\nThis couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her *****. "Put y
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Little Johnny was passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked in and caught his folks in The Act. \n\nBefore his dad could even react, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, Daddy agreed.\n\nJohnny hopped on and Daddy started going to town. Pretty soon Mommy started moaning and gasping. \n\nJohnny cried out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"\n------------------------------...\nLittle Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation for sex with his wife. \n\nJohnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. \n\nLittle Johnny asked curiously ‘What ya doin dad?’ His father quickly replied,\n\n‘I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.’ \n\nTo which Little Johnny replied ‘What ya gonna do, screw him?’ \n------------------------------...\nA young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.\n\nBut finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."\n\n"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."\n------------------------------...\nA Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds. \n\n"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar. \n\nTwo weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?" \n\nThe proud father answered, "10 pounds." \n\nThe bartender said, "What!" I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?" \n\nThe proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!" \n------------------------------...\nWhen NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.\n\nThe Russians used a pencil.\n------------------------------...\nA black, hungry, thirsty tramp was looking for food in a rubbish bin, when suddenly he finds a can of Coke. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out. ‘You get three wishes, be very careful and don't spoil them.’\n\n‘OK, OK,’ and without hesitation he says, ‘first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, naked girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink.... lots of water. \n\nBam, presto...the Magic Genie turned him into.....a toilet! \n------------------------------...\nA guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" \n\nQuite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. \n\nThen everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" \n------------------------------...\nAn English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. \n\nThe men wrote: "A woman, wi
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I have two: I love the second one.\nJoke #1\nA blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"\n\nIn a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."\n\nOur bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"\n\nThe blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."\n-----------\n Joke #2\nTwo women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and are\n comparing stories on how they died.\n\n 1st woman: I froze to death.\n\n 2nd woman: How horrible!\n\n 1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the\n cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and finally died a\n peaceful death. What about you?\n\n 2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected\n that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to\n catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by\n himself in the den watching TV.\n\n 1st woman: So what happened?\n\n 2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there\n somewhere that I started running all over the house\n looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down\n into the basement. Then I went through every closet and\n checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had\n looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that\n I just keeled over with a heart attack and died!\n\n 1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer. We'd\n both still be alive.
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The wife died while giving birth.\n\nThe guy realized that what he ate in the island was not turtle soup but his wife.
166215
THERES A PRIEST A RABBI ND A LAWYER ON A SINKING SHIP ND THEY RUN TO THE SAME LIFE BOAT ND START TO LOWER IT DOWN UNTIL THE RABBI SAYS "WAIT! WAT ABOUT THE CHILDREN??"\nTHE LAWYER RESPONDS "FUCK THE CHILDREN"\nND THE PRIEST SAYS "DO WE HAVE TIME?"
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Once upon a time, in an enchanted forest there live a magic frog.  Now this forest was so large, the frog had never seen another living creature.  One day, while traveling down a path the frog came across a bear chasing a rabbit for his dinner.  \nAt once, the frog stopped them and said, "since you two are the first creatures I have ever seen, I'm going to grant each of you three wishes.  Bear, you may go first."\nThe bear though for a moment and, being a typical male replied, I wish that every bear in this entire woods, except for me, was female."\n"Very well," replied the frog, "Rabbit, it's your turn."\nwith out any hesitation, Rabbit said, "I wish I had a motorcycle helmet."\n"Wish granted," replied the frog, "Bear?"\nWell Bear was a little confused at this seemingly silly wish from Rabbit, but it was his turn so he though for a moment.  Then he got a big grin on his face and said, "I wish every bear in the next woods over was female."\n"Wish granted," replied the frog.\nAgain with out any hesitation Rabbit wished for a motorcycle.\nWish granted," replied the frog, and a motorcycle appeared beside the helmet that was already there.  "Bear?"\nNow Bear was really confused by Rabbit's wishes, after all, he could have wished for money and bought all of this.  But it was his turn again, so he thought for a slightly longer moment then before, after all, this was his last wish.  Then he got a big grin on his face and said, "I wish that every bear in the entire world, except for me, was female."\n"Wish granted, replied the frog, "Rabbit?"\nRabbit did not respond right away.  Instead he put on his new motorcycle helmet, hopped onto his motorcycle, and started it up.  \nThen he replied, "I wish Bear was gay."
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great one........never heard it before.......I could not stop laughing.\n........waiting for such good jokes.......keep posting........hahahahaha.\n\nthanks for the days best laugh.......
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The bride walked down the aisle of the church toward her awaiting groom.\nPlease cancel my last order.\nThe student asked the math teacher for tutoring, as she could not figure it out.\nMany fossils are thousands of years old.\nThe large, barking dog really freaked me out.\nElton John is a gay man.\nI got this straight from the source.\nThe seeds were interspersed with the fertilizer.\nHer drink order was Patron silver tequila straight up and neat.\nWhen I win the lottery and become independently wealthy, I will quit my job.\nThey traveled to a secluded little cabin for their honeymoon.\nThe tire tracks of the truck were a very big clue in the murder case.\nPlease do not type all in caps, as it is presumed that you intend to yell.