For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His \nfather said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is \n$280,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford \nit."  The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front \ndoor with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little \nPatrick told him; "I was walking past your room last night and heard \nyou telling Mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait \nbecause she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by \nmyself with a $280,000 mortgage & no bike.
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so is this Site. :D\n\nhttp://www.computerpranks.com/download/online-fun/jingle_bells_reversed.swf
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Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:\n\nJust after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.\n\n"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. I'm serious dad, can you help?" I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,looking stressed I immediately knew what to do.\n\n"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"\n\n"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute "She's having babies!"\n\n"What?" my shocked son demanded, "But their names are Bert and Ernie,Mom!"\n\nI was equally outraged. [duh]\n\n"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife.\n \n"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired.\n\n"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).\n\n"Yeah! Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed..\n\n"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (again with that sarcasm, in her voice)\n\nBy now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.\n\n"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We'reabout to witness the miracle of birth."\n \n"Oh, gross!" they shrieked. "yuck!"\n\n"Well, isn't THAT just great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know.\n\nWe peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tinyfoot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.\n\n"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted.\n\n"It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified.\n\n"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.\n\n"Okay, okay." Squeamishly! , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.\n\n"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)\n\n"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.\n\nWe drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap. "Breathe,Ernie, breathe," he urged.\n \n"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)\n\nThe Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.\n\n"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.\n\n"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr.. and Mrs.. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"\n\nI gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.\n\n"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.\n\n"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. Infact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species,they um....um....masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."\n\nHe blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr..Cameron."\n\nWe were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just....just...excited," my wife offered.\n\n"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.\n\nMore silence.\n\nThen my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh l
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A miniapolis couple decided to go to get away from the cold winter.they were going to stay in the same hotel as their honeymoon 2 because of certain difficulties the husband flew on the friday while the wife was following on the next day. \n \nthe husband checked in to the hotel and found they now had computers unlike 20 years ago. he decided to send his wife a email, however he accidently left out one alphabet in the address when sending.\n \nmeanwhile some where in huston a widow had just returned home from her husbands funeral. he was a minister who had just returnd home to glory after suffering a heart atack. \nthe widow decided to check her emails expecting messages from friends and family.\nafter reading the first message she screamed and fainted. her son came in and saw the email\n \nto my loving wife\ndate friday october 05 \nsubject: i have arrived\n \ndearest love\n \ni know you are surprised to hear from me.\nthey have computers hear now and you are alowed to send email to loved ones.\ni have just cheked in, i see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorow, and look forward to seeing you then. \nhope your jurney is as uneventfull as mine was.\n \n \nps: sure is freaking hot down hear
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I don't believe the Irish are that naive fidgety or are they?\nA pregnant Irish woman falls into a coma after a car crash.After a year she wakes up to find she's given birth to twins, a boy and a girl."Where are they?" she asks."It's all right," says the doctor, your brother came and took them. He's had them baptised and everything." "Oh God,not my brother," says the woman,"He's such an idiot.What did he call them?" "Well he named your daughter Denise,,,," says the doctor."Oh, that's nice" says the mother."........and he called your son Denephew."
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Read this joke for a change.....\n\nA couple was golfing one day on a very, very exclusive golf course, lined with million dollar houses. On the third tee the husband said, 'Honey, be very careful when you drive the ball don't knock out any windows. It'll cost us a fortune to fix.' The wife teed up and shanked it right through the window of the biggest house on the course. \n\nThe husband cringed and said, 'I told you to watch out for the houses. Alright, let's go up there, apologize and see how much this is going to cost.' \n\nThey walked up, knocked on the door, and heard a voice say, 'Come on in.' They opened the door and saw glass all over the floor and a broken bottle lying on its side in the foyer. A man on the couch said, 'Are you the people that broke my window?' \n'Uh, yeah. Sorry about that.' the husband replied.\n\n'No, actually I want to thank you. I'm a genie that was trapped for a thousand years in that bottle. You've released me. I'm allowed to grant three wishes - I'll give you each one wish, and I'll keep the last one for myself.' \n\n'OK, great!' the husband said. ' I want a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.' 'No problem - it's the least I could do. \n\nAnd you, what do you want?' the genie said, looking at the wife. 'I want a house in every country of the world,' she said. 'Consider it done.' the genie replied. 'And what's your wish, genie?', the husband said. \n\n'Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, I haven't made love to a woman in a thousand years. My wish is to sleep with your wife.' The husband looks at the wife and said, 'Well, we did get a lot of money and all those houses, honey. I guess I don't care.' The genie took the wife upstairs and ravished her for two hours. After it was over, the genie rolled over, looked at the wife, and said, 'How old is your husband, anyway?'\n'35.' she replied. 'And he still believes in genies?....That's amazing.'
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How about: I was feeding my dog Hooch when my bra stap (on the left-hand side) got caught on the edge of his dog collar (on the right hand side) and whoops! Whoa there! We were suddenly hooked together.\n\nI reached over my right shoulder to try and unhook us when the telephone, which my dog always runs to answer, rang.\n\nIn running towards the ringing sound he ripped my strap and my other bras being in the wash, I decided there and then on the spot to do an impromtu laundering.\n\nWhile the water was running into the laundry machine, the hose connected to the hot-water tap, jerked lose. Hooch had still been attached to the bra when I threw it in the machine and in tugging to get free,  he pulled the washer off it's base and yanked the hot-water connecting hose from its moorings!\n\nThe water flooded my basement, and my soggy-shirted basement tenant, surged out of it and roared, "That's it! That's the last straw! Look what you've done! I was working on my end of year report cards and now they are toast! You will have to stay home today with me and help me rewrite them. After that, you'll have to find a new tenant to help you out with your gambling debts. Didn't anyone ever tell you that betting on Chicken Little to win it all on American Idol was an extremely dumb idea! And even if it wasn't, you didn't have to get me to help you rob a bank to pay off that loser, MacDougald who only made a lucky stab at Taylor in the first place! Heck, MacDougald, hides his money in an old sock under his bed. The last time he was in a bank, you were in diapers! That's enough hiding out for me! This time, I really am going to tell everybody the truth! And I really did go to Cleveland with you guys last summer!"\n\nAnd that's the reason why I've been away all week! It's also the reason I'll never be away again, no, no, no not ever! Except for maybe ..next Tuesday! You see  my tenant died suddenly yesterday, and I've got his funeral to attend next week. By the way, it's in Cleveland.
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=A few months after his parents were divorced, Little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!" \nOver the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. \n\nOne day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. \n\nLittle Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started stroking himself, and moaning, "Ohh, I need a bike! I need a bike!" \n \n\n=A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him. \n"I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol." \n\n"Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober.' \n\nQ:How do you embarrass an archaeologist? \nA:Give him a used tampon and ask him what period it came from.\n\n \n = A man was drinking in a bar when he noticed this beautiful young lady sitting next to him. ''Hello there,'' says the man, ''and what is your name?'' \n''Hello,'' giggles the woman, ''I'm Stacey. What's yours?'' \n\n''I'm Jim.'' \n\n''Jim, do you want to come over to my house tonight? I mean, right now??'' \n\n''Sure!'' replies Jim, ''Let's go!'' \n\nSo Stacey takes Jim to her house and takes him to her room. Jim sits down on the bed and notices a picture of a man on Stacey's desk. ''Stacey, I noticed the picture of a man on your desk,'' Jim says. \n\n''Yes? And what about it?'' asks Stacey. \n\n''Is it your brother?'' \n\n''No, it isn't, Jim!'' Stacey giggles. Jim's eyes widen, suspecting that it might be Stacey's husband. \n\nWhen he finally asks, ''Is it your husband?'' \n\nStacey giggles even more, ''No, silly!'' Jim was relieved. \n\n''Then, it must be your boyfriend!'' \n\nStacey giggles even more while nibbling on Jim's ear. She says, ''No, silly!!'' \n\n''Then, who is it?'' Jim asks. \n\nStacey replies, ''That's me BEFORE my operation!!'' \n \n\n \n= One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work. \nWay up in heaven, Saint Peter sees all this and asks God, ''Are you really going to let him get away with this?'' \n\n''No, I guess not,'' says God. \n\nThe priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one. \n\nSaint Peter watches in disbelief and asks, '' Why did you let him do that?'' \n\nTo this God says, ''Who's he going to tell?'' \n \nQ:What's the first thing to come out of a man's penis when he has sex? \nA:The wrinkles! \n\n\n=Once a lady wanted to leave the U.S.A. but couldn't get a visa. One day, she met a man who told her not to dispair. \n"l'll let you sneak aboard my captain's ship and take you to France, but you have to screw me every time I bring you food, okay?" \n\nShe accepted, and for about three months the guy brought her food and water and then she screwed him. This went on for about 3 months, at which point she was discovered by the captain. The captain asked what she was doing and she said a man was taking her to France if she screwed him every time he brought her food. \n\nThe captain replied, "He sure is screwing you - this is the New York Ferry."\n\n\n=Yo' mama so nasty, I asked what was for dinner and she spread her legs and said "Crabs!"\n\nQ: What do a Texas tor
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The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.\n\nThe mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.\n\nThe old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong tome or the machine?"
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A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.\n\n"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.\n\n"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."\n\n"Is that a record?" she inquired.\n\n"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
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Three guys, a white guy, black guy and a polock, stranded on an island 50 miles from shore after their boat sunk.  They are there for about a week when the white guy says "I have had enough im going to try and swim" he gets about 20 miles gets tired and drowns.  The black guy then tries to swim back to the main land.  He gets 35 miles, gets tired and drowns.  The polock is sitting there bored... and he finally decides to try and swim to shore... He gets 49 miles! He sees the beach of the shore just in front of him... but he thinks to himself... its just tooo far, there is no way I can make it... so he turns around and swims back to the island.\n\nWhat do you call a school bus full of white kids?  A twinky\n\nWhat do you call a white guy pushing a car up a hill?\nWhite Power\nWhat do you call a black guy pushing a car up a hill?\nBlack Power\nWhat do you call a mexican pushing a car up a hill?\nGrand Theft\n\nThere is a black guy and a mexican in a car..... Whos driving?\nThe COP!\n\nHow do you blindfold a chinaman?\nUse Dental Floss\n\nJohnny comes in from shooting his BB gun and sets the BB's on top of the stove... They fall into the soup his mom is making... At dinner the family eats the soup and goes to bed.  The next afternoon the father gets home and says to his wife.... "Honey, the funniest thing happened to me... I pissed BB's today.."  The wife says to her husband.  "Thats odd I also pissed BB's today".   A little later little Suzzie comes in and she says to her mom "I think there is something wrong with me... I just pee'ed BB's"  Just then Johnny comes running in yelling ... "DAD...DAD"  Johnnys dad says "What is it son... are you also pissing BB's?"  Johnny says ... "NO NO I was jerking off and I killed the cat!"\n\nWhat do you get when you cross a mexican and a polock?  Someone who spray paints chain link fence\n\nThree nuns die and go to heaven.  At the gates St Peter says "To get into heaven you each have to answer a question."  The nuns got very nervouse thinking that the questions will be extreamly hard.  St Peter says to the first nun "Who was the first man on earth?"  The nun says "Thats easy, it was Adam" , St Peters says "Go into heaven".  St Peter says to the other nun.."Who was the first woman on earth?"  The second nun says "Ahhh thats so easy, it was Eve?"  "You may go into heaven" St Peter says.  He then looks at the third nun who is thinking the questions are going to be easy now.  He asks her "What was the first thing that Eve said to Adam....?" The nun looked puzzled... and murmered..."Thats a hard one...."  St Peter then said "Thats correct you can go into heaven."\n\nWhat crawls around and bumps into walls?  A baby with forks in its eyes.\n\nWhats the differance between a lawyer and a skunk?  A skunk has skid marks infront of it.\n\nA man breaks into a dark house.  As he is robbing it he hears a voice yell out..."Jesus is watching you"  The man stops and waits a minute... doesnt hear or  so see anything else so he keeps robbing...again the voice says "Jesus is watching you"... The robber turns on his flash light and shines it around the room and he spots a bird cage in the corner with a parot.  He walks up to the cage and says to the bird..."Is that you making all that noise?"  "Yep" says the bird.  The robber says "And whats your name?"  "My name is Moses" replies the bird.  "MOSES!  What kind of stupid people name their bird MOSES!" says the robber.  "The same stupid people who name their rottweiler Jesus!" replies the bird.\n\nAnd my hand hurts so im stopping :)
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hey,ur rhyme joke was good!\nsee mine-\n1)son telegramed,from hostel-\n"no money,no fun,ur son"\nfather replied-\n"how bad,too sad,ur dad"\n and ya,i rate urs as 10 out of 10!\n \npls have mine as best answer,cause i dont have any!
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On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.\n\nThe florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is--it's some flowers!"\n\n"That's right!" Shouted the little boy.\n\nThen the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.\n\nShe held it up, shook it and said. "I bet I know what it is--it's a box of candy!"\n\n"That's right!" Shouted the little girl.\n\nThe next gift was from the liquor store owner's son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. "Is it wine?" She asked.\n\n"No," the boy answered.\n\nThe teacher touched another drop to her tongue. "Is it champagne?" She asked.\n\n"No," the boy answered.\n\nFinally, the teacher said, "I give up. What is it?"\n\nThe boy replied, "A puppy!"
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How do you laugh in any language after you read this letter?\n\nHere it goes:\n\nDear Billy Bob,\nI'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.\nWe don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read the paper that most accidents happen within 20mi. from home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last family that lived here took the numbers with them for their house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.\n\nThe coat you wanted me to send to you, Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with them heavy buttons, so we cut them off put them in the pockets.\n\nThree of your friends went off the bridge in pickup. One of them survived, he rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other 2 drowned they couldn't get the tailgate down.\n\nNot much more news this time. Nothing much happened. If you don't get this letter, pls let me know and i will send another one.\n\nLove, Ma
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I just wanted to remind you that this joke was posted many times.\n.\nA little editing would have shortened the joke.... See, 2 lines are reduced.\n\nfather passing by his son's bedroom, was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up.\n\nThen, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.\n\nIt was addressed, "Dad." With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
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Three kids come down to the kitchen and sit around the breakfast table. The mother asks the oldest boy what he’d like to eat. "I’ll have some fuckin’ French toast," he says. The mother is outraged at his language, hits him, and sends him upstairs. She asks the middle child what he wants. "Well, I guess that leaves more fuckin’ French toast for me," he says. She is livid, smacks him, and sends him away. Finally she asks the youngest son what he wants for breakfast. "I don’t know," he says meekly, "but I definitely don’t want the fuckin’ French toast." \n \n2 \n My grandfather always said, "Don't watch your money; watch your health." So one day while I was watching my health, someone stole my money. It was my grandfather. (Jackie Mason) \n \n3 \n Last night I went to a 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours." He goes: "Not in a row!" (Steven Wright) \n \n4 \n Saul is working in his store when he hears a booming voice from above: "Saul, sell your business." He ignores it. It goes on for days. "Saul, sell your business for $3 million." After weeks of this, he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Saul, go to Las Vegas." He asks why. "Saul, take the $3 million to Las Vegas." He obeys, goes to a casino. Voice says, "Saul , go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one hand." He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six showing. "Saul, take a card." What? The dealer has -- "Take a card!" He tells the dealer to hit him. Saul gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. "Saul, take another card." What? "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!" He asks for another card. It’s another ace. He has twenty. "Saul, take another card," the voice commands. I have twenty! Saul shouts. "TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!" booms the voice. Hit me,Saul says. He gets another ace. Twenty one. The booming voice goes: "un-fucking-believable!" \n \n5 \n A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words. He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That’s not surprising," the elders say. "You’ve done nothing but complain since you got here." \n \n6 \n I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?" She said. "No. I hate myself now." (Rodney Dangerfield) \n \n7 \n A Jewish grandmother is watching her grandchild playing on the beach when a huge wave comes and takes him out to sea. She pleads, "please God, save my only grandson. I beg of you, bring him back." And a big wave comes and washes the boy back onto the beach, good as new. She looks up to heaven and says: "He had a hat!" (Myron Cohen) \n \n8 \n Two guys are walking down the street when a mugger approaches them and demands their money. They both grudgingly pull out their wallets and begin taking out their cash. Just then one guy turns to the other and hands him a bill. "Here’s that $20 I owe you," he says. \n \n9 \n I went to my doctor and told him "my penis is burning." He said, "That means somebody is talking about it." (Garry Shandling) \n \n10 \n A car hits a Jewish man. The paramedic rushes over and says, "Are you comfortable?" The guy says: "I make a good living." (Henny Youngman) \n \n11 \n Jesus and Saint Peter are golfing. St. Peter steps up
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Cool joke:\n"Dad, what is politics?"\n"Politics? Well, consider our home. I am the wag earner, so let's call me Capitallism. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we'll call her Goverment. We take care of you and your needs, so we'll call you the People. We'll call the maid the Working Class and your baby brother the Future. Do you understand so far?"\n"I'm not really sure, Dad. I'll have to think about it."\nLate that night, the boy's sleep was disturbed by the crying of his baby brother. He got up and found that the baby had soiled its nappy. He went to his parents' room and found his mother fast asleep, and then discovered that his father was bonking the maid so vigorously that they didn't hear his knocks on the door. He returned to his bed and went to sleep.\nNext morning he reported to his father, "Dad, I now think I understand what politics is."\n"Good, my boy. Explain it to me in your own words."\n"Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class and the Government is sound asleep, the People are being completely ignored and the future is full of s**t."
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An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, are "snowbirds" in Texas. Ray had always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them, and wears them home walking proudly. He walks into the house and\nsays to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" \n\nBessie looks him over, "Nope."\n\nFrustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the cowboy boots. Again, he asks,a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT NOW?" \n\nBessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today,it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."\n\nFurious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!"\n\nTo which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray."