i have just meet  my father and he has been out of our lives  for 11 1/2 ywears niow iam about to be 12 on may 5  and i don't know what to do . every time i ask him something he is always saying i beg to much i also don't feel comfortable being around him he was abusive to my mother that is why i never saw him
209556
just make him clear if u r not important to than why he came .....  be brave and confront him for ur 11 and half yrs .... coz u too have right to know why he came now....and tell him that if he dont care for u than u dont  need him
297973
Hello Cooldure\n\nIt sounds like things are kind of tough on you these days. Are you the oldest child in the family? How long has your Mom been gone? Does your Dad's sister live there, too, and does she help you deal with the work it takes to look after everybody? Does your Dad help with the housework? If you are trying to do everything yourself that certainly isn't fair. If your Dad is working long hours to earn money to take care of you all, he probably complains about your mother not helping out. That's hard for you to listen too.\n\nIt's good that you are trying to teach your brothers and sisters how to behave and how to work to help you. I admire you for doing so. Lots of young girls would be trying to get away from all that responsibility. I'll bet you're tired a lot of the time, and you probably feel like nobody appreciates you. \n\nYou should relax a little and just be the young girl you really are. Let some of the work wait and have a big sister day with your little sis. Go somewhere together, just the two of you, even if it's just for a long walk. Take a lunch along and spend some time together just talking and playing. Let her know how much you care about her and how you only want her to learn these things so she can take care of herself someday. Also you should spend a little time together everyday, just the two of you. I don't know how old she is so it's hard to tell you what to do here, but fuss over her a little and show her your love. Give her a hug once in awhile and tell her she's a good girl when she is. She'll give you a few hugs in return and it seems to me that you need a few of those. She will listen better, and you will have more patience with her, when things are friendlier between you. As long as your sister knows you love her, it doesn't matter what your Dad says about it, does it?\n\nWhen you are getting along better with your sister, your Dad should stop saying these things to you. If he doesn't, remember this: nothing lasts forever. You are learning how to take care of yourself and other people. Someday you will be finished school and have a job. You will be able to move out and take care of yourself. You won't have to stay where you are treated unkindly. \n\nFor now also remember that your Dad is probably an unhappy man whose wife has left him. Unhappy people sometimes aren't very nice to be around. Keep your chin up and don't let this get you down. You have a whole life ahead of you and I know you'll make it a good one. A hard working girl like you can't help being a success. Don't forget to take care of yourself, too. I hope you have a friend that you can talk to and visit at times. You can email me if you want to. I had a step daddy who didn't like me much when I was your age, and I hated him, too, so I understand a little about your problems. I didn't hate him anymore after I grewup and he liked me a lot better, too. You and your Dad will work this out. Good luck, my dear.
519561
You are only feeling the way you do because of the idea of leaving everything that you have come to know and love. I am alot older than you I am sure, but I have moved about 8 times when I was young. We as kids had no say in where we were going and I for one hated everytime we moved I had just made new freinds. If your father feels like this is the best thing for the family and it will improve whatever lifestyle you have I say relax , go with the flow and when you are old enough to get out on your own and you really don't like where you are you can make that change. But as for right now, If it is going to make all of your lives better I say go for it. Seems like your parents are doing whats best for the whole family and KUDOS to DAD for including everyones say in the matter. Good Luck!
402036
I had a abusive childhood to, my father abused me, even now after 20 years sometimes it still hurts so much, bruses can be seen and heal but scars on the inside remain - they maybe hidden but remain for life. I think when you have been hurt and rejected by a parent it hurts so much because it's not meant to happen, your parents are meant to be the ones that love, support, care for, and protect you no matter what, they are the ones that made you! the fact that they are the ones hurting you is so confussing and wrong. Sometimes even now, i feel why me?  after my father, my mother became ill and rejected me, i had no other family or friends.\n My father contacted me again when i was 18, to confirm that he could find me where ever i was, and to remind me that the abuse was all my fault!, as i was "such a horriable child"! I know this wasnt the case, i was seen and not heard, to scared to be noticed, I went on to marry someone at 17 who was the same as my father, after 11 years of abuse from him too, i had a breakdown, he visited me in hospital just the once while i was on suicide watch to tell me to "go ahead as your useless and unwanted" i had hit rock bottom, so i decided to fight, fight against all the people that told me i was nothing, it has been hard, lonely, frightening sometimes, and like i said you have moments when you feel that twang of pain and desparation, dont dwell on it, they were the bad ones not you. turn your back and walk away, The hardest thing i find is with my little boy, knowing not only does he not have a grandfather,but his father repeated the rejection and fear that happened to me as a child, and that was something i didnt want. Now however, 2 years later i am married again, to the most wonderful man ever, there is happiness out there, but you need to take the chance to believe you deserve it, and fight for it. I dont think i will ever feel perfect, but i know my son and i have the right to happiness, Counselling has helped me alot to, so much so i am on my way to becoming a counsellor myself, Try talking to your doctor to, years of people telling you your nothing takes it toll, antidepressants can help give you that little bit of clear thinking that you need to escape. In answer to your question: Nothing, your human, alot more human than those who hurt you.Good luck
417765
Honey, my Daddy died a year ago in october.  It is so hard to get use to them actually being gone.  Dont call yourself a crappy daughter.  Remember him!  Love him! Cry laugh and do what ever you want to if it is helping you to grieve.  Talk about him as much as you need to.  Nothing can replace the father figure in your life so I think you still need to grieve.
461650
I used to and I thought it would never go away. Stangely enough when my father passed away recently I didn't feel as bad as I expected. It is hard when they have been with you for so long and all the things you have shared to know that one day they won't be there. I miss my dad terribly sometimes and although I can't talk to him in a physical sense I like to think that he is still around somewhere watching. Enjoy the time that you have with them as whenever they go it is always far too soon.\n\nTake care.
530044
What a great question!  You have a way with words as you describe the situation that you're facing so well.  I couldn't have done it better myself.\n\nI'm 26 yrs old and have been diagnosed with BPII/BPD and have have major substance abuse problems.\n\nI can completely relate as I've been struggling with the same issue with my father and I appreciate you sharing this with us.  \n\nIt's difficult to have other people see you while you're dysphoric and at your weakest.  This is a time where you expect compassion and when you're parents don't only fail your expectations, but go completely against them, it can be very hurtful.\n\nWhen things blew up with me, I got my a$$ handed to me by my folkes, because my behavior was simply wearing them out.  With the drugs, the police, the hospital visits, I was becomming a huge source of stress and anxiety for them.  They never took the time to understand.  That made things a lot worse for me, I was sad to be in the house, but didn't have any where else to go at the time.\n\nI knew I needed help and I didn't want to be complacent, so I reserached treatment options myself, they wouldn't lift a finger.  The dynamic in the house was as if everyone was walking on eggshells.  It was very uncomfortable.  I was very hurt that I couldn't get the support I needed and built a very strong resentment towards them, I was ready to write them off.\n\nThe emotional pain and quality of living was getting worse, so I had to do something.  I reconnected with my Psychiatrist, got my meds straitened out and began attending Pyschotherapy, support groups and getting support from people outside my family.  For the last three months, I've worked really hard in regaining stregth and my sense of self and it's done wonders for me.\n\nJust recently, my father was talking to me about his best friends daughter, who is suffering with mental disorders and receiving therapy.  He went on to say, that she was extremely needy and fucI(ed in the head - which was his way of taking a shot at me, as he is fully aware I'm going through the same thing.  Next, he talked about quitting smoking and I told him about Zyban, he said that his mind is strong enough to quit addiction without meds - ohhhhh another shot to your son who is in recovery, taking meds no less.   A few months ago, I would have left the room in a fit or put him in his place right then and there.  \n\nSince I leveled my moods out and get support outside the house, I was feeling really good about myself and sat there calm and collected.  I thought about how I was going to respond, I know that he's old school, he didn't grow up in the information age, he thinks psychiatry is a pseudo science and associates looks at it with the stereotypical stigma attached to it.  I also thought that this was his house and I'm not going to lash out and cause any trouble.  That was the last thing I needed amongst the scheme of things.\n\nI responded quite calmly, "Why do you think she's needy?  Do you think she's faking it or that she's using it as an excuse for attention?"  He didn't respond with any logical type of answer and changed the subject, but I stuck with it.  Then I asked him, "I'm under intensive psychotherapy right now and take meds and it's helped me a great deal.  Do you think I'm needy as well?"  He said no, he actually said he noticed a difference in my behaviors and he was proud of me and knew that I was working hard to get better.\n\nI think he feels really guilty inside for going off on me.  I think deep down inside he was scared and didn't know how to deal with me.  I think my parents paniced and saw flaws in me that live inside them and their natural defense mechanism is to take it out on me.  It's the age old habit of self loathing.\n\n I'm still not over it and he knows that and I can see it in his eyes that he was sorry about what he&
451871
I don't know really what to tell you.. have you talked to him about this?? I am a father myself... and I know often times I may seem to be preoccupied or not generally paying attention... sometimes people may just be under a great deal of stress... maybe it's hard for him being so far from home for so long... I wouldn't assume that he doesn't want to spend time with you... I don't know him personally... but I know with my kid... I can't think of anything I'm more proud of... I can't imagine that your father is much different... I'm sure he loves you... maybe talking to him about this would be a good start...
59314
Wow. That's a long time. I'm sorry for your separation. I know it must be difficult for you. My parents separated when I was a baby and I never met my real father until I was 16. In fact he never communicated with me and only kept up with my progress through his mother who my mom stayed in contact with all through the years. I wrote to him and told him I would like to get to know him and it meant so much to him. He wrote me a very touching letter that let me know he regretted not getting to see me grow up and let me know he would give anything to spend time with me. He moved within the year from his home in California back to his mother's hometown in North Carolina and we visited back and forth from my home in Virginia for the next five years until he died in a tragic house fire. I was so very, very thankful for the time I spent getting to know him and the rest of his family. I learned that I inherited many traits from that side of the family and the oddities I thought I had were simply that I was more like his side of the family than my mom's side. As we get older we all want to know about our past, our roots, our history. If you are open and honest in your communication with your son I have no doubt that he will be thankful to get to know you. It might not feel like the traditional father/son relationship, but you will have your own unique relationship as my dad and I did and I will treasure it forever. My only regret is that he did not live to see his grandchildren. Just open your heart and let him know how you feel. Good luck!
606413
First I want to say that your avatar does you no justice, you are a handsome young man!\nOkay, back to the subject.  Your father helped give you life, so that's just as simple as it sounds, he will always be your father, yes, even emotionally.  The emotional feedback may not be acceptable, but it's what he gives you.  I never had a father either.  Well, I had one, but he didn't give a fucc about me.  He lived around the corner from me growing up, and never even came to see me.  I think you should just go on with your life and dont let him spoil things for, dont sweat it.  It may be really hard, but the anger and resentment does nothing but waste time and create negative energy that life is to short to be bothered with.  \nFind happiness within yourself, and try to appreciate the things he has given to you.
386645
Be honest with you dad, set down and have a father to son talk. remember there are only a few moments we can treasure maybe you can make this the best trip he ever had with you and the family it may be his last of yours. It's your dad you owe it to go. at least you will have done something with him he likes to do and tell him he has to enjoy a trip the you would like to go on.
602153
I understand your problem and I think that no matter how much you talk to him thing are not going to change unless he wants too do it all on his own.  And since moving out isn't an option at the moment I suggest you find something to do with your time other than staying at home.  Like finding a job or going to school (assuming your not doing it already)  Going to the library or donating your time to charities.  Something you enjoy.  I know you love your family but YOU are 20 and you need to start making a life of your own Maybe when he sees what your doing he'll start appreciating you better.  As for your real dad start writing to him get that job and save up to go visit.  Where there is a will there is a way.  Good luck at what ever you do.
186598
sometimes it seeems worse then it is, have yout tried talking to your father about it, maybe there is a school counsellor that can offer advice if you dont have extended family to go to. if you live with your mum then you probably dont have to see much of your dads girlfriend.
200387
Sounds like my dad.  He will be around for a couple months then disappear.  You have to decide how much of this you want to deal with.  I dealt for a long long time but then my father did something so unforgivable that put my children in danger and I will never as long as I live forgive him for that.  Don't let it come to this!  But be careful and watch over the ones that are close to you!
491362
I know what it is to lose a parent whom you love and who loved you.  My father has been gone for 12 years and still I think of him.  We were very close when he died.  I took care of him in his last few years.  He suffered from cancer and it was terrible and I hurt for him everyday.  You never get over the loss of a loved one.  You can only try to live with the loss and only time will heal the hurt and the loneliness death brings.  The thing to always remember is the good times you enjoyed with your father whenever the hurt returns and you begin to really miss him.  Also, if he was a Christian as my father was, know that he is with God and his suffereing is over.  He is in the best place possible and I know I want to be there with my father and I am sure you want the same thing.  Pray to God to heal you of your hurt and bring to your remembrance all the good times you and your father had whenever you begin to miss him and the hurt returns.  Believe me....it will help more than you think.
458922
Perhaps you should be asking your father this. I can only say that in my life, I have always felt that it was very difficult for my father to relate to me, as I was the only girl of 5 kids. The only thing you can do is try to be as close to him as you want to be.\nAs for the strictness from age 12, well he was obviously that someone would violate his precious young girl. Thats a fear that I think all parents have of their daughters. Probably sons to a degree, but daughters more. Maybe now he sees youre ok and he is relaxed. Or maybe he has something else going on in his life you dont know about. Talk to him.
646433
I was always afraid of my father's death when I was growing up. My dad was my world (mom didn't want me so my dad raised me by himself). My biggest fear was him passing away. One night he left to go to the store for coffee, and was killed by a drunk driver. It hit me like a ton of bricks. No matter how much I tried to prepare myself for that day, it was nothing compared to how I actually felt. My world had crumbled the second that my step brother called me. I got depressed, and closed everyone out. No one understood me like my dad did. Everyone thought I had gone nuts, but it was my way of dealing with it. In two days it'll be three years since it happened. Things haven't been the same since. I got married and didn't have him there to walk me down the aisle, he never got to see his grandson. There's times I'm glad he's not here now because he would beat my husband to death for hitting me, and if he didn't then, he would've after we divorced. Anyways, the best advice I can offer is make the best out of every moment you spend with her and always cherish the times you've had with her. Her death is inevitable, and there is no way to prepare yourself. When it happens, talk to someone, anyone you think my have even the tiniest idea on how you're feeling. Talk about her because remembering her the way she was is the best way to deal with death. It won't get better immediately, but give it time. Since my dad's death I truly feel alone in this world, but I've found out that I do have some true friends who have helped me out through this. If you don't have someone you can talk to, if you like, you can IM me anytime...my yahoo ID is under my profile....think I'm making this too long winded as it is :D.