my husband will get realy frustrated when he doen't have any money to buy beer and weed.  and when i tell him that he has a problem he gets realy upset and tells me he doesnt. i also feel afraid of his reaction if i were to ask him to go to rehab.  i love him alot and want to help him out but a friend of mine advised me that if she were in my shoes she would just leave and not put up with his problems.
201036
no do not leave her\ndo an intervention\nmake her get help in a professional place even if she does not want it.\nthen after she is all clean ( and stopped being mad at you )\nsit down and talk calmly with her..\nGood Luck
633540
Lisa, this is a truly selfless act of generosity, but you cannot help this individual. He has got to have professional help. If he id denying professional help then he is not truly ready to kick the habit. He needs other medications besides the ones you listed above. All of those are not gonna help him with the intense withdrawals he is going to experience. All those meds he is on are gonna do is keep him sedated and groggy. I have no addictions, but I was given everything you listed above for insomnia. Now, insomnia and heroin withdrawals are a whole heck of alot different. Has he ever tried to get on methadone therapy? I am frightened that you are in a situation that is gonna backfire on you. If his last "fix" was this morning he has not even started experiencing the absolute worst yet. You called him an aquaintance. Right? Well, you need to remove yourself from being SO involved in the scenario. Really, for your safety. I have never experienced knowing anyone with a  heroin addiction, but I have been close to friends and family who have had alcoholism, pill addiction......and I'd never put me, my family or my belongings at risk again, especially when there are free or low cost clinics available to these people. If this man decides to go get another fix he is going to, no matter what you say. If he doesn't have money he will steal whatever he can from you. It doesn't matter how serious he is about quitting. When the wothdrawals and pain start to set in he is going to want that feeling to end and the only way it is going to end is another fix. If you truly want to help then talk him into going for professional help. Get yourself out of the situation. It is seriously so nice and thoughtful of you to want to help this man, but this addiction is bigger than anything you, me or most people could even fathom. This is going to totally disrupt your entire life if you do not get him out of your house. Love yourself. Don't put yourself in the position to get hurt and that is exactly what you are doing if you allow this "aquaintance" to stay with you. Remember this, too: an addict will lie to anyone and tell you exactly what you want to hear and turn right around and rob and steal you blind. The drugs have ripped away any conscience that these users once had. God bless you for trying, but this is way bigger than you are.
205792
I know exactly what you are going through!  I've been married to an alcoholic for the past 23 years.  He has always worked and provided for us.  We have two children, one who is grown already(22) and a son who is 13.  You need to sit with him and have a heart to heart talk with him, when he is not drinking (that's very important).  He sounds like a good man with a problem, just like my husband.  If you continue to let this go, even though it's already affecting you, believe me, things will change and not for the better.  After so many years, our marriage has gone down the drain, he even left me for another woman for several months. (A woman that drank and partied with him, of course).  He's back home with me but it's never going to be the same, because he's still drinking even though he's detoxed several times now.  I wish you the best of luck.  And one more very important thing.  Make sure you have resources to take care of yourself and your children.  I was left without any, and I'm making sure this never, ever happens to me again.  I won't allow it.  Take charge of yourself, because if he doesn't change, it's not going to get easier.  Take it from a pro. If need be, look up an Al-Anon meeting in your area.  They are very good in making you realize ways you can help yourself.  If anything do this for your kids.  Even though they may be mentally challenged and he doesn't drink around them, doesn't mean it's not going to affect them.  They are still young, but they won't be for long.  And if this affects you, it will definitely affect them.  Children have a sense of when their mommy is not happy.  Believe me.
30408
I've been battling this addiction for years myself.  It is not an easy thing to kick! But coming from someone who's been there let me offer a few suggestions:\n\n1.  Support, don't condemn. What I mean is realize he is acting on very normal impulses, but seeking relief in unhealthy ways. If you make him feel guilty about it, it'll only compound the problem.\n2.  Get him to agree to be held accountable for his actions.  If you are his wife/partner, encourage him to talk to you or someone else he trusts whenever he feels he cannot resist the temptation.\n3.  Get him to seek spiritual help.  I am a born again believer in the Lord Jesus Christ.  It's only by His strength I can and will overcome this addiction!\n4.  Encourage him to take it a day at a time (a minute at a time if necessary).\n5.  If he stumbles, encourage him to confess it, ask forgiveness from God, and get back on the wagon (knowing he's been forgiven).\n6.  NEVER give up on him! And do your best not to allow him to give up on himself.\n\nThere may come a point where there's nothing more that you can do for this man (save pray for him).  If that time comes, don't be afraid to leave him in God's capable, loving hands.  You can't heal him, but God is eager and well able to do just that! I, on my part will endeavor to pray for you and your friend as I'm reminded to do so.  If I can help you further, drop me an email.
370501
I responded to your first question..but Ill say it again. Talk to him nicely and find out what the underlying issue is. I really think it is more than money. He resents you for something that may or may not have nothing to do with money. Sounds like the overall relationship is not so healthy. It may be time to move on. Do you have a family member to move in with. If you really want to try to make it work...see a counselor-but start with talking to him yourself. He might open up to you and tell you why he doesnt want to help you out.  Good luck.
80102
I am a recovering addict that thought that getting married would solve my problem. Honestly- many guys become addicted, but society tells them that it is no big deal, all the other guys do it. Society tells them that MB is no big deal and everyone does it. Some men (and even some women) become addicted. Many of them think that once they get married and can 'have the real thing almost anytime' that the problem will just go away. Well for some it might but for many it doesn't. I did not marry my wife because I wanted her to fix my addiction (I didn't even consider it an addiction at the time)- but I thought that once I got married my urge to look at porn and mb would just go away. When it didn't, I spent a lot of time convincing myself that it really was not a big deal (and found plenty of sites like this one with people saying I shouldn't worry about it). I even started to think that my wife was the one with the problem, she should just relax and not get so uptight. \n\nLet me tell you how it affected me. The more I used- the more I became frustrated with my wife, and the less I tried to connect with her in any way other then sexually. I was not there for her in any way shape or form- emotionally, spiritually, and as a friend. I think she could sense that and it caused my marriage to discentegrate. She became frustrated with me and I needed an outlet and the cycle just kept getting wose. \n\nIt is a big deal. He may or may not be addicted- you can't tell at this point because you don't know if he has tried to quit. You do need to confront him for your and his sake. I suppose there are some people out there that can keep it under control- keep it from getting wosre but I guarantee that there are many who don't realize what it is doing to them as a person, and that they are getting worse. \n\nI can absolutly tell you that once I quit (after getting help - I couldn't quit on my own)- that my relationship with my wife improved drastically. You don't really know how much more sweat and wonderful your husband could be if he didn't use porn, because he has probably had this problem for as long as you have know him. I will guarantee you that if he abandons it he will be able to be there for you so much better then he is now. A man cannot look at that stuff and not have it affect his opinion of women, he cannot consume it regularly and not have it effect his ability to connect with people. It is distorting his perspective of women, it is distorting his perspective of intimacy, and it is keeping him from reaching his true potential. I am way more in tune with my wife's needs now that I have abandoned it.  \n\nI will tell you I am forever greatful that my wife didn't just let me have that vice (EG:She didn't let me keep living beneath myself). I am so glad that she was willing to be vulnerable enough to let me see how it really affected her, how it really hurt her. I am also glad that she gave me the chance to change my behavior, and that she was patient with me while I went through some relapses. She was also very open with me and didn't let me think that relapses were ok, she didn't let me keep giving her excuses. I had been trying to abandon it for years, and she finally came to a point where she left me because I was not really getting better. When she did, I finally 'hit rock bottom' and got serious about getting help. I made some dramatic progress toward recovery because I really did love her and did want to abandon the addiction and when she finally made it clear that I couldn't have both- I decided to choose her! (I sincerely believe she did not do this as a manipulation- but that she had finally hit a point where she just couldn't live with a man who kept emotionally cheating on her, and was not able to be there for her).  \n\n\nIn my opinion, the best thing to do is to be very clear and honest about how his decision to consume porn makes you feel
200137
[Edit: When I started answering, there were no other answers so PLEASE DON'T ACT ON THE NEGATIVE ANSWERS; they're all pessimistic & negative & don't really care about your problem! Be optimistic & the sun will shine eventually! [I'd hoped that you'd read my answer first]]\n\nI've been in the same situation recently (I'm a guy) and I realized that if I wanted to keep my fiancée, I had to give up the weed, it was as simple as that. She had the same line of thought as you did and I think that she had every right to think like that.\nFrom a personal point of view, I didn't find it that hard at all BUT everyone is different.\nIf you feel that he really cares for you & that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, you could probably ask him to check into rehab or something. I don't know the laws in your country but he could possibly get some sort of concession from the government - pls DO NOT quote me on that, I'm in Aus & I don't even have a clue about the drug rehab government concessions in here! - and I'm sure he could find an anonymous one...\nThe bottom line I guess is that, personally speaking, drugs are not good!\n\nP.S. Don't alienate him (point fingers) as it can make matters worse. Instead, try to understand where his addiction comes from. In many cases when the root of the problem is found, the solutions start to spring up almost by themselves!\nAll the best & wish you well with your love; if you want it, you gotta fight for it!
197324
I am 35 years old. I've spent about 91 months of my life in prison. I am now a hard working, tax paying, law ABIDING citizen. I never thought anybody owed me anything. Telling your husband you want a divorce while he's in prison is a hard thing for a man to take. I don't know if you have ever been in prison or not but when your there NOTHING changes but the faces. Same food, clothes you can probably figure the rest out. So if a person who is incarcerated is LUCKY enough to have another person care about him means more than you could ever know. When we lose those things like that while locked up, it can drive a man insane. Being on the inside are hands are completely tied. We can't come see you, comfort you and do what we should of been doing in the first place, being at home with the ones we love instead of out commiting crimes. I am not in any way defending convicts even though I am one. If your husband can not change his ways I agree you should be free from that lifestyle cause it's not a pretty place. IF he can change......??????  He still is your husband and like they ( whoever they are) say "for better or WORSE." You both made big commitments by getting married. If he can't fufill his commitment by being there as a good husband that's his loss. Does he deserve another chance if he can straighten out?????? I went to prison for a meth lab, 6 firearms and about 5 pounds of weed. I ran with a rough crowd. I've been shot and I've shot another human being ( for this I will never forgive myself) HOWEVER,,, I'm leading a good life now, we CAN change. I hope this helped.
658801
It takes it toll on all involved. I usually have maic episodes, so the first signs are my needing less sleep, wanting to go out all the time, spending money, and just bend very grandious. It's hard to hide those facts from neighbors and family. I think the one it takes the most toll on is my husband. My family is in a different country so we chat daily by phone.The kids usually get shielded by visiting my husbands family, or aunts, uncles, and cousins (something they love to do) in a neighboring town. With neighbors and the cleaning lady, if asked we say I'm not feeling well, but don't go into details. I have only a few friends and they all knoz about my condition, so I tell them and they understand, offering to come over to keep me company, or offering to give me my space. My husband has to be the hardest hit because he has the huge responsibility of working, taking care of everyday things, and on top of it all, he has to take care of me. He is great though and I am lucky to have him in my life.
283810
Damn, I wish I had his problems, I am a man and I am going through the exact same thing. It's hard when you want to be with a person and you feel they do not want you. I have tried going on trips just the two of you. If nothing else works ask flat out what is up? This was a good month for me, I got it more than once a week, I still had to beg a few times but at least I got it. I know for a fact it is going to be different this month, I will be begging more but I love her.
497380
I had the same problem he loves you he has been hurt before and thats why he wont express his feeling sober but when he is drunk he lets his guard down and it all comes out me and my man been together for 8yrs now and he was the same way going into the 2nd yr he started telling me how he felt when he was sober and it was the best feeling in the world that he finally shared his feelings good luck honey
120581
Some people don't want to associate with people who have helped them through troubled times.  It frightens them, because they remember how bad off they were. While you obtain strength and support from the program, he feels it is holding him back in some way--like it's not letting him move on with his life.\nIf he isn't drinking or hostile, let him be.  If he begins to act hostile, he should seek professional counseling.
48414
It sounds like a bad situation that your in.  I'm assuming that your husband isn't willing to get help with his drinking or seek couples conseling?  If he won't do thoe things then you may have to make a choice about what is best for you and your son before this situation explodes in to something really bad.  His not putting your name on things doesn't do anything to actually protect him from losing those things so don't worry about that.  The big concern is that this relationship is turning abusive.  Trust me, calling you a failure all the time is abuse and I suspect there is a lot more than that going on.  The abuse needs to end your you and your son need to leave.  I know this probably won't be easy but you both deserve a better life than that.  If you need help there are several comunity programs out there to help abused women and their families.
604450
Oh my god girl seems like life has taken a very hard toll on both of you guys. The thing to remeber is that is has taken very long for you to become clean, am I  right, with that being said, every day is a new day, which means you fight harder as each day passes to keep your demons away. I say 3 strikes your out in my book, yes it is very possible for him to be clean and sober, but you know what your daughters have already been thru enough physical and mental abuse they could ever endere and now that your sober and you how this has affected them you have to work extra hard everyday to keep them motivated and guided towards the right direction, you also know that addiction is heredity and it is very likely that they will  grow to use drugs as well. But remeber you have the chance to change that life style for them ax you already have buy getting sober and doing the right thing by them girls, you are to be commened for that, but also try to remeber how hard it has been to let him come back into your life after you have already chosen and begin another  cleaner lifestyle, i mean we all know that people can get drugs in prison and quite frankly if the man has been in prison for the littlest thing i wouldnt want him around my daughters at all and only becuase men get reaped in prison, and some totally rehibailt themselves completly but in your situation he wont ever become clean becusae its his lifestyle, Dont you think that children need not be around that if we can prevent it, well you have had your chance to become sober which you have, you have been the chance to give your girls more in life then most people get, be lucky the state has taken them away from you, and placed them with total strangers, do right by them, no matter how hard it might be, yes there are challenges every day and you are lucky to have beaten the biggest one this far. Why would you even consider letting him back into your CLEAN alife after 3 years, dont you see the pattern this man will always follow, and i know its hard to put those feelings aside and yes the girls do need fathers but after everything they have been through, if your strong enough you will not let him back in youe life as your husband, now id down line he cleans up and i mena really cleans up then i would consider supervised vistation becuase you are different now he will be differnt and the girls are different, do you really want to upset your lifestyle now because you think  you owe him something, are the girls, I would say you have done the right thing thus far and you will conintiue to do the right as long as you keep this man out of your home along with his friends that he will BE back in contact with as soon as he can, I mean if i were you and were given this chance  to become and outstanding mother and to prtotect the children you gave birth to, i woulkdnt allow anhone to take the away ever again becuase next time if there is ever a next time you will not see your girls becuase they will hate for you for the life you have chosen with him, I would file for divorce and be done with him altoghter, yes you have children but there are ways for him to be a dad other than living in your household, and quite franl=kly if he has only sent a few letters to you guys after 3 years who needs that stress wondering and waiting on letters he has already dissapointed you and your gilrs why let all the drama start allover no matter what he says, Do the right thing and let him go for good, and keep wotking everyday to the new begining that you and your girls deserve, you will do the right thing no matter how hard it is, the hardest was admitting you have had a problem and allowinng yourself the treatment to get better you deserve a standing ovation for that, continue to work hard and show the and theach the girlds everyday about the lifestyle that lead you to your sobriety, as they get older you know how us girls can be they will need you to be strong for them, and with him i think you will fiall back
325960
I feel you. I think he could have try harder if he wanted to. I know the excuse "i forgot" or I was going to do it relax" and you didnt see shit done. If it is going to be like that I feel you should move out and take a break let him know you are not happy at all and you are under a lot of stress. What will he do without you. He needs to appreciate the things you do as a mother and wife. You need a man not another child you have to take care of. You must feel really lonely and yearning for a man.Take a break and try to relax, go out with friends and take a deep breathe.Try not to overthink yourself cause you will go crazy. I know you have bills to pay but figure out how to get out of this rotation with him cause after awhile it gets pretty tiring. I hope nothing but the best for you and take it one step at a time.
441953
ive felt that excat same way! my boyfriend is an isolater, and wants to deal with his problems on his own. it really makes me mad because i want to help him, i want him to just talk and get it out, but you cant make anyone do anything that they dont want to. im the kind of person that wants to talk about problems, you know, get them off my chest, but because he isnt like that, he doesnt undersand my need to deal with things that way. he feels that nobody understans what he is feeling and by telling me, i will only worry and not be able to fix them anyway. he loves me more than anything, but since he doesnt deal with things my way, he doesnt really know how. it doesnt mean he doesnt care about me, it just means he doesnt handel things the same as me! i hope things get better hunny!
100755
I have a 24 yr old alcoholic boyfriend. His father was an alchoholic for years, but quit, and his grandfather was an alcoholic until he had a heart attack. One of his brothers is deep into alcoholism, and one is on his way at the tender age of 16. I dont know HOW alcoholic he is, but in the past, he would rather buy beer instead of paying bills sometimes. \n\nI thought I was tumbling down the same downward spiral for a while. But pulled myself out when he started becoming a mean drunk (after about 15 beers). I wanted to be sober enuf from then on to remember everything mean he said to me and tell him about it the next day. \n\nBut Ive found a way to make him slow down alot. I dont mention beer at all. And I just dont drink with him any more. I dont offer to drive anywhere when he does get drunk. I also wont have sex with him when he's drunk, and I tell him what a jerk he was the night before.\n\nI've discovered that without a drinking partner on the same drunken level, then drinking becomes boring and lonely to him. Especially if I ignore him when he gets really drunk. Alot of times, anymore, he'll drink a beer or three, and realize its no fun alone, then stop drinking for the night and start working on his music instead.\n\nBut I also have an advantage in this situation - all his friends and 4 brothers live a half hour drive away from us and none of them drive over to our house. So he really doesnt have any peer pressure TO drink in our home.