Unemployed Biologist \n\nAn unemployed biologist was starving and could not find a job. After weeks of searching, he finally gets an interview at a local zoo. The zookeeper tells him that the only job available is to dress up in a gorilla's suit and pretend to be a gorilla so people will keep coming to the zoo.\n\nOn his first day on the job, the poor biologist puts on the outfit and goes into the cage. The people all cheer to see him. After a while, he starts really putting on a show, jumping around, beating his chest and roaring.\n\nDuring one acrobatic attempt, though, he loses his balance and crashes through some safety netting, landing square in the middle of the lion cage! As he lies there stunned, the lion rushes toward him, roaring and snarling. The poor biologist is terrified and starts screaming, "Help, Help....someone help me!!!!"\n\nThe lion races over to him, knocks him to the ground, and quietly whispers "Hey it's me Sam, from your mammal class, shut up or we'll both lose our jobs!"
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A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks out into a house to look for money and a gun and finds a young couple in the bed. \n\nHe orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: \n\n"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." \n\nTo which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too!!"
592008
electirc train can't blow smoke\nDes-my name\n\nQuestion: If a blonde and a brunette fell off a building, who would hit the ground first?\nAnswer: The brunette - the blonde would have to stop for directions!\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n The assistant asked the blonde if she would like her pizza cut into six pieces or twelve. \n\n"Six please" she said, "I could never eat twelve!"\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n A blonde was walking down the road with a healthy looking pig under her arm. As she passed the bus stop, someone asked, \n\n"Where did you get that?"\nThe pig replied, \n"I won her in a raffle!"\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n A person went into the office kitchen one morning and found a new blonde girl painting the walls. She was wearing a new fur coat and a nice denim jacket.\n\nThinking this was a little strange, he asked her why she was wearing them rather than old clothes or an overall.\n\nShe showed him the instructions on the tin, \n\n"For best results, put on two coats".\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their car with a coat hanger.\nFirst Blonde: \n\n"I can't seem to get this door unlocked!\nSecond Blonde: \nWell you better hurry up. It's starting to rain and the top is down!\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n Three blondes were walking through a field when they came across a set of tracks.\n\n\nThe first blonde looked down at the tracks and said, \n\n"I think they could be bird tracks."\n\nThe second blonde went to look and said, \n\n"No, I think these are deer tracks."\n\nThey stepped aside and the third blonde went over to the tracks. She looked down, then got run over by the train!\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n A blonde asked someone what time it was, and they told her it was 4:45. The blonde, with a puzzled look on her face replied,\n\n\n"You know, it's the weirdest thing, I have been asking that question all day, and each time I get a different answer."\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n A blonde was driving down the road listening to the radio and was quite upset when she heard blonde joke after blonde joke. A little way down the road, she saw another blonde out in a field rowing a boat. The blonde stopped her car and angrily jumped out yelling, \n\n"You dumb blonde bimbo! It's blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name! If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's coming to you!"\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n A blonde and a redhead went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge, and the blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn't jump.\n\nSure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead $50. The redhead said, \n\n"I can't take this, you're my friend."\nBut the blonde insisted saying, \n"No. A bet's a bet."\n\nThen the redhead said \n\n"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."\n\nThe blonde replied \n\n"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\n A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.\n\nWhen she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in
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okk...\nA teacher puts a photograph of a Tomcat on the blackboard, and proceeds to ask the class, if they can tell her how the tail is attached to the cat?\n\nLittle Mary has the first attempt and answers "By fur Miss?"\n\nThe teacher replies "Not quite right Mary, but a good try."\n\nMeanwhile all during the lesson Little Johnny is sitting down the back raising his hand in the air saying "Me, Miss! Me, Miss!"\n\nThe next student the teacher picks is Peter, and he answers "Is it attached by skin Miss?"\n\nThe teacher replies. "Not quite right either, Peter, anybody else want to try?"\n\nFinally, the teacher had no choice but to pick Little Johnny. She said to Johnny "What do you think the tail is attached by?"\n\nJohnny replied, "Judging by the size of those nuts on the cat I'd say it would have to be bolted on!"
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The Hippie & The Nun! \n\nA Hippie was riding on the bus, and was sitting beside a Nun. \nHe said to the Nun, "I want to make love to you!"\n\nThe Nun replied to the Hippie, "I am a Nun, I can not have sex."\nShortly afterwards the Nun got off at her stop. \nThe Bus Driver calls the Hippie up to the front of the bus and says, "I know how you can make love to that Nun..." \n\nThe Hippie asks, "How?" \n\n"Well," said the driver, "Every Tuesday at midnight the Nun goes to the cemetery and prays. If you dressed up in robes and had some glowing stuff on your face you could pretend you were God and demand sex from her."\n\n"Good idea," the Hippie said. \n\nSo on the next Tuesday night he gets dressed up in some robes, puts some stuff on his face to make it glow and goes to the cemetery to wait.\n\nSure enough the Nun showed up just before midnight, kneeled down and started praying to God. \nThe Hippie steps out in front of the Nun, face glowing, robes moving in the breeze and said, "I'll answer your prayers Sister, but first you have to make love to me." \n\nThe Nun is shocked to see God in front of her. \nShe said, "OK, but it must be anal sex as I have to keep my virginity." \n\n"Fine," said the Hippie. \n\nThe Nun then kneels down, pulls up her dress and the Hippie does his thing. \n\nWhen he is done he stands up, whips off his robes and yells, "HA! HA! I am the Hippie!"\n\nWhereas the Nun stands up, whips off her clothes and said, "HA! HA! I am the Bus Driver!"
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I love it! lockerridge thumbs^up to you! IMAO! Now I got for you.......\n\n2 guys are in the woods hunting and one of them has to answer the call of the number 2 nature. So they stopped beside a stream and while his buddy was doing his thing behind some bushes he stretched out underneath a tree and relaxed.\n\nAll of a sudden he heard a scream and saw his buddy running toward him with his pants around his knees , and yelling bear, bear, BIG BEAR, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!\n\nHe jumped up and started to run for all he was worth, when his buddy got his pants up enough to run he started yelling hey wait what are we going to do to outrun this bear?\n\nTo which he replied." We hell, all I got to worry about outrunning is you sucker!"\n\nThe moral of this story is always go before you leave home.
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what happens when you come across a gorilla in the woods?\n\n\n\n\n\nyou wipe it off and run like hell!!!!  \nget it?  ''come/cum''   \n\nif u like this chose me as u best answer.
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Little Johnny was passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeked in and caught his folks in The Act. \n\nBefore his dad could even react, Little Johnny exclaimed, "Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?" Relieved that Johnny was not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, Daddy agreed.\n\nJohnny hopped on and Daddy started going to town. Pretty soon Mommy started moaning and gasping. \n\nJohnny cried out, "Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!"\n------------------------------...\nLittle Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only to catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding a condom onto his penis in preparation for sex with his wife. \n\nJohnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed. \n\nLittle Johnny asked curiously ‘What ya doin dad?’ His father quickly replied,\n\n‘I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed.’ \n\nTo which Little Johnny replied ‘What ya gonna do, screw him?’ \n------------------------------...\nA young mother paying a visit to a doctor friend and his wife made no attempt to restrain her five-year-old son, who was ransacking an adjoining room.\n\nBut finally, an extra loud clatter of bottles did prompt her to say, "I hope, doctor, you don't mind Johnny being in there."\n\n"No," said the doctor calmly, "He'll be quiet when he gets to the poisons."\n------------------------------...\nA Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and announced that his wife had just produced a typical Texas baby, weighing a whopping twenty pounds. \n\n"WOW!" was the response from everyone at the bar. \n\nTwo weeks later the Texan returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth? How much does he weigh now?" \n\nThe proud father answered, "10 pounds." \n\nThe bartender said, "What!" I know that babies lose some weight after birth, but ten pounds? He did weigh twenty pounds, didn't he? What happened?" \n\nThe proud Texas father said, "Just had him circumcised!" \n------------------------------...\nWhen NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in 0 gravity. To combat this problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.\n\nThe Russians used a pencil.\n------------------------------...\nA black, hungry, thirsty tramp was looking for food in a rubbish bin, when suddenly he finds a can of Coke. He opens the can and a magic genie comes out. ‘You get three wishes, be very careful and don't spoil them.’\n\n‘OK, OK,’ and without hesitation he says, ‘first I want to be white. Second, I want a lot of girls, naked girls, beautiful girls sitting on my face! And third, I want plenty to drink.... lots of water. \n\nBam, presto...the Magic Genie turned him into.....a toilet! \n------------------------------...\nA guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" \n\nQuite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. \n\nThen everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!" \n------------------------------...\nAn English professor wrote the words, "a woman without her man is nothing" on the blackboard and directed the students to punctuate it correctly. \n\nThe men wrote: "A woman, wi
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This one is on the front page at eBaumsWorld.com: \nMike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown." Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK??" In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around!'"
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JOKE TO UPLIFT YOUR SPIRITS:\n\nThere is this guy in a hospital bed just coming out of anasthetic haze.\n\nThe Doctors asks him: "Do you want to hear the GOOD NEWS or the BAD NEWS first?"\n\nPatient thinks for a while then says: " Let's hear the BAD NEWS."\n\nDoctor: "We had to cut BOTH YOUR LEGS!"\n\nPatient starts sobbing and then after a few minutes asks: "Doctor what is the GOOD NEWS?"\n\nDoctor: " The guy in the next bed has offered to BUY YOUR SHOES for 10 Dollars"
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I'm ROFL!!!  *here's one for you! (since I can't give you points)........\n\nA Story with a Moral\n\nIn the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake.\nThe hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular, "Gosh... if I go down three inches, I will feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed."\n\nThere was a fish in the water thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches, I can eat him."\n\nThere was a bear on the shore thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches that fish will jump for the fly... and I will grab him."\n\nIt also happened that a hunter was farther up the bank of the lake preparing to eat a cheese sandwich.\n\n"Gosh," he thought, "if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish leaps for it... that bear will expose himself and grab for the fish. I'll shoot the bear and have a proper lunch."\n\nYou probably think this is enough activity on one bank of a lake, but I can tell you there's more...\n\nA wee mouse by the hunter's foot was thinking, "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish... the dumb hunter will shoot the bear and drop his cheese sandwich."\n\nA cat lurking in the bushes took in this scene and thought - as was fashionable to do on the banks of this particular lake around lunch time - "Gosh... if that fly goes down three inches... and that fish jumps for that fly... and that bear grabs for that fish and that hunter shoots that bear... and that mouse makes off with the cheese sandwich... then I can have mouse for lunch."\n\nThe poor fly is finally so hot and so dry that he heads down for the cooling mist of the water.\nThe fish swallows the fly...\nthe bear grabs the fish...\nthe hunter shoots the bear...\nthe mouse grabs the cheese sandwich...\nthe cat jumps for the mouse...\nthe mouse ducks...\nthe cat falls into the water and drowns.\n\nThe moral of the story is:\n\n\nWhenever a fly goes down three inches, some p*ssy is in serious danger.
459029
Got this in the mail last week\n\nA blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each\n> other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if\n> she would like to play a fun game?\n> \n>   The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap,\n> politely declines and rolls over to the window to\n> catch a few winks.\n> \n>   The lawyer persists and explains that the game is\n> easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a\n> question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay\n> me $5.00, and vise versa.\n> \n>   Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.\n> The lawyer, now agitated, says, Okay, if you don't\n> know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't\n> know the answer, I will pay you $500.00. This\n> catches the blonde's attention\n>   and, figuring there will be no end to this torment\n> unless she plays, agrees to the game.\n> \n>   The lawyer asks the first question. What's the\n> distance from the earth to the moon? The blonde\n> doesn't sa a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out\n> a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.\n> \n>   "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn."\n> \n>   She asks the lawyer, What goes up a hill with\n> three legs and comes down with four legs?\n> \n>   The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer\n> and searches all his references, no answer. He taps\n> into the air phone with his modem and searches the\n> net and the library of congress, no answer.\n> \n>   Frustrated, he sends e-mail to all his friends and\n> coworkers, to no avail.\n> \n>   After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her\n> $500.00. The blonde says, Thank you, and turns back\n> to get some more sleep.\n> \n>   The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed,\n> wakes the blonde and asks, Well, what's the answer?\n> \n>   Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse,\n> hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
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hahahah......agreed the joke is long, but worth reading it......hilarious one......LOL\n\nYou can make this joke a bit short by editing . I have tried with the first para and see the difference....you can save  one line.\n\nJack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
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A koala is sitting up a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"\n  The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."\n  So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a\n  few joints.\n  After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to\n  get a drink from the river.\n  But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls\n  into the river. crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to\n  the side, then asks the little lizard:\n  "What's the matter with you?"\n \n  The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a\n  joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned\n  and then fell into the river while taking a drink.\n \n  The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain\n  forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting\n  finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"\n So the koala looks down at him and says:\n "Dude ... how much  water did you drink?!!"\n\n~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~\nA gynecologist wants a change of pace so she decides to become a\nmechanic. After two weeks' training, there's a test. Each student\nin the class is required to take apart an engine, and put it back\ntogether again.\n\nWhen the results come back, another student sees the gyno's grade\nand complains,\n\n"How did she get a 150% if 100% is a perfect score?"\n\n"Well," the teacher says, "you got 50 points for taking the\nengine apart and 50 for putting it back together again."\n\n"So, how did she get 150?"\n\n"Well, she took it apart right, so there's 50, she put it back\ntogether right, another 50. But, she got an extra fifty for doing\nit all through the muffler."\n\n~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*\nA little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.\n \n"Not yet," said the little boy.\n \nHis mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. \nWell, he's a little pissed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken.\n \nHe goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow.\n \nHe goes to feed the pigs and he kicks a pig.\n \nHe goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.\n \n"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.\n \n"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."\n \nJust then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.\n \nThe little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"\n\nAll of these jokes, with all due respect.
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wow simply superb and awesome. i loved it. its really a good one and very interesting. it sounded to me like a short and a sweet story about a man and the gorilla. that was really a unique one never heard it before. i would like to hear more of these kind of jokes. do post more pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.....
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Whenever the black fox jumped the squirrel gazed suspiciously. \n We promptly judged antique ivory buckles for the next prize.  \n How razorback-jumping frogs can level six piqued gymnasts!  \nHere's a dozen of them (the ones that fit your limitations).  For more of these "pangrams" check the link below.\n\n *Whenever the black fox jumped the squirrel gazed suspiciously. \n *We promptly judged antique ivory buckles for the next prize.  \n *How razorback-jumping frogs can level six piqued gymnasts!  \n *Crazy Fredericka bought many very exquisite opal jewels.  \n *Sixty zippers were quickly picked from the woven jute bag. \n *Amazingly few discotheques provide jukeboxes. \n *Heavy boxes perform quick waltzes and jigs. \n *Pack my box with five dozen liquor jugs.  \n *The five boxing wizards jump quickly. \n *How quickly daft jumping zebras vex.  \n *Quick zephyrs blow, vexing daft Jim.  \n *Sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow.     \n\n(By the way, I assume the second one you listed was supposed to be "Jackdaws love MY big sphinx of quartz. ")
486601
'Honey hop to it!  You know if you are late all the good lily pads are taken!  Besides, at this time of day the intersection is so busy by the big pond!  Here's your morning fly - now get going and no stopping with the toads for a croaking session on the way home!"\n\nFred Frog zapped his morning fly and hopped out of the home reeds to join the others heading for the big pond.  Fred hated going to the big pond during the day.  If he had a chance he'd be rapping with the boyz down at the Mud Pit at night so he would be sleeping right now, but he'd made the mistake of falling for Kimberly with her beautiful slimy green legs and now he had to support all those tadpoles!  While he thought of the life he could have had, he hopped closer to the intersection.  He could see Jack Rabbit rapidly drumming his hind leg in the tall grass at the road's edge as he waited for the light to change.\n\n"Morning Jack."\n\n"Good morning Fred.  How's Kim and the tadpoles?"\n\n"Ah you know, everything is good, but I..." \n\nJust then the light changed and Jack, ever in a hurry, made a huge arcing jump just a UPS truck ran the red light.  Fred Frog watched in horror as Jack Rabbit was crushed by the grill of the UPS truck which kept going and going...\n\nSuddenly from the other side of the road Winona Wolf leaped out and grabbed the lifeless corpse of Jack Rabbit in her muscular jaws.  Stepping daintily over to Fred Frog she sat Jack Rabbit down and said, "I never believed those commercials where they ask what can brown do for you today, but hey, I'm a believer now!"  So saying she picked up Jack again and ran off.\n\nFred Frog mused that he would have said the lesson is look before you leap as he started out into the intersection.\n\nJust then the light changed.
581269
Blonde in hayfield\n\n\n\nA Blonde was driving down the road, and spotted another\nBlonde in the middle of a hayfield rowing a boat. She stopped the car,\ngot out\nand went to the shoulder of the road, and yelled, "You know, it's\nblondes like\nyou that give blondes a bad name!, and if I could swim I would come\nout there\nand kick your ass!"\n------------------------\nPUT ON TWO COATS.\n\nThis blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these\nblonde\njokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to\nshow her\nhusband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at\nwork, she\ndecides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.\n\nThe next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down\nto the\ntask at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the\ndistinctive smell\nof paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on\nthe floor in\na pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur\ncoat at\nthe same time.\n\nHe goes over and asks her if she is OK. She replies yes. He asks what\nshe is\ndoing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde\nwomen are\ndumb and she wanted to do it by painting the house. He then asks her\nwhy she has\na ski jacket over her fur coat. She replies that she was reading the\ndirections\non the paint can and they said....\n\n\n(scroll down)... I love this one ...\n\n\n\n\n\nFOR BEST RESULTS, PUT ON TWO COATS.