Finally after four years of blah blah blah I feel like I'm finally ready to be with this guy, but he does weed and basically that's the ONLY thing I really couldn't stand about being with someone. I didn't ask him to quit drinking and I didn't say he had to quit smoking. (Although I joke around about it and say that I will steal all of his money for smokes, lol.)\n\nIs it really so wrong to ask someone to choose between me and something as stupid as drugs? I just know that I can definitely NOT deal with a drug addict. He addmitted that he has a problem and said that he will quit, but he's said so many other times before and never done it. \n\nSeriously, is it worth it or should I just give up on him?
200137
[Edit: When I started answering, there were no other answers so PLEASE DON'T ACT ON THE NEGATIVE ANSWERS; they're all pessimistic & negative & don't really care about your problem! Be optimistic & the sun will shine eventually! [I'd hoped that you'd read my answer first]]\n\nI've been in the same situation recently (I'm a guy) and I realized that if I wanted to keep my fiancée, I had to give up the weed, it was as simple as that. She had the same line of thought as you did and I think that she had every right to think like that.\nFrom a personal point of view, I didn't find it that hard at all BUT everyone is different.\nIf you feel that he really cares for you & that he wants to spend the rest of his life with you, you could probably ask him to check into rehab or something. I don't know the laws in your country but he could possibly get some sort of concession from the government - pls DO NOT quote me on that, I'm in Aus & I don't even have a clue about the drug rehab government concessions in here! - and I'm sure he could find an anonymous one...\nThe bottom line I guess is that, personally speaking, drugs are not good!\n\nP.S. Don't alienate him (point fingers) as it can make matters worse. Instead, try to understand where his addiction comes from. In many cases when the root of the problem is found, the solutions start to spring up almost by themselves!\nAll the best & wish you well with your love; if you want it, you gotta fight for it!
4364
Two points to this....first, he won't change for you.  He may change eventually but he won't be doing it for you. Second, it's unfair of you to ask him to change. Did he suddenly start drinking and smoking midway through the relationship? Accept him for what he is or if you are unable to do so, move on. And, hon, love has nothing to do with it.
529785
i live with a recovering drug addict and alcoholic..its not heavy drugs but over the 10 years of using they have made him very paranoid and very angry. i love him and respect him for getting help and am very proud of what he has achieved so far but its been very very hard. the first month was horrible the anger inside him boiled over..my feelings however have been pushed aside... i feel very low as all my energy goes in to keeping him happy so he dont go back..i work and am a mother also so i look after him and our daughter...it does take over but there is light at the other end.he doesnt stress outso much and is more loving..the pain at the moment is going away....i hope you stick with him..why not get your self out a bit go do an evening course i do floristry its very relaxing for me and im acheiving some thing...
25294
I like Toby's grow some nuts advice. If he's afraid you'll hurt him he souldn't be with you in the 1st place. Usually the "i'm afraid you'll hurt me is a bunch of bs anyway, he's keeping his options open. Bottom line is you're more commited than he is. If the guy really has had some kind of fear for the 3 years of his relationship with you he sould have taken ownership and fixed it for YOUR sake because he loves YOU.\n\nSuggest counseling for him as a couple to help him with his "fear". If he says no you need to find someone else who suits your needs and goals in life because as it stands now you have a 3 way relationship- Him, his last gf, and you. Notice you're 3rd in the pecking order?
280307
No, your concerns are gunuine..  Your boyfriend might already have an addiction...  Talk to him and let him know your concerns, especially for his health.  If he does not want to make a change, then let him go...  YOU CAN'T HELP THOSE WHO WON'T HELP THEMSELVES...\n\nMy boyfriend used to drink  a lot when he was younger, now he has a liver disease and only has a certain amount of time to live..\n\nYou care for him, but he has to care for himself before he can care and make a change for someone else...  I'm not saying don't be there for him as a friend, if he needs it, but don't waist your time either on something and someone that you know is only going to be a road of heartache...\n\nThe Lord in time will bless you with someone special...\n\nGOOD LUCK!
91821
First of all, don't tell him right off the bat to quit. Usually people on drugs feel threatened by others if they know their intentions are to get them off their "habits". \n\nJust show him little by little the other stuff he could be doing, or try to talk to him about your concerns. Usually people use drugs to hide their emotions, or simply try to get the thrill of taking a risk and feeling a great high. \n\nHonestly, running brings out the same high that most drugs bring out. It's just when you use drugs your wasting money because you're paying someone to release a stimulant in your brain that you could do on your own. \n\nIt's like paying for a free car, and you have had the keys in your hands the whole time.\n\nDon't take full responsibility to try to make him quit. In most cases, people who try to help a person free themselves from an addiction usually become enablers. It has to be his choice, not yours. It's his life, and he can do whatever he wants, but if you care enough to ask this question on line, try guiding him in the right direction. Good Luck!
41810
sure sounds like a drinking problem's probably the 'real' problem. He sounds inhibited, and the drinking at least for a time lowers his fears, nervousness, insecurity, inhibition, guilt or whatever levels ... addictive behavior...do you honestly believe that your honest feelings are at fault? Sounds difficult, complicated...and, perhaps, getting worse. Whether he's having 'commitment phobias' or just expecting you to do as he says, or whatever he's perhaps not discussing, he sounds 'out of control', but he wants to 'be in charge'...something in him might be feeling ashamed, low self-esteem/image, and, he's demanding that you follow his routine, with implied not much room for spontaneity, let alone you feeling love(-d), safe (at peace, unperturbed) and valued -- but, how can he value you, if he's troubled about who he is -- or, why else drink/escape, and then try to use sex with such timing, like drunk clockwork. It sounds like your feelings are good, clear, trying to communicate...your feelings are innocent, your true companions/guides...BEST WISHES...in finding (out) your way(-s)
141957
I don't know why you put up with that kind of treatment my lady.  First thing, if you have not yet done it, is to give up your drug habit.  Next, get rid of him completely.  He is a bad influence and you will not be able to reestablish your life again until you rid yourself of bad influences.  There is nothing wrong with starting over\n\nI also would suggest that he, and maybe you, get some treatment or at least see a doctor about depression.  I am a depressive and I know that I have felt the same way about myself and asked my wife the same questions, and often depression is masked, or dealt with at least with alcohol and/or drugs.  In my case it was alcohol.\n\nDo these things, a rehab if necessary, but at least a circle of people who you can talk to and share your problems with and get the support you need to help you along the way.\n\nYou are not masochistic, you are probably depressed and just need to feel better about yourself and get your life back on track.  You have taken the first step by reaching out for advice, that proves you want help.  I wish you all the luck and perserverance in the world.  remember, you are not alone.\n\nPeace and love
618099
As hard as it may be, I think you should steer clear of this guy.  If he is using and you move in you will more than likely give in to temptation.  You have been clean for four years why jeopardize that for a man?
153210
honestly i think its too early for a friendship...because of the fact that you still arent over him and obviously not ready to TRUELY handle it as a friendship w/o thinking of the past. and him being a dickweeeeeed.\n\n\nlol weeeeeeeeed.\n\n\nwrong word to elongate...i dont care\ni dont smoke weed...so i can if i want\n\ni love you!
44929
you are married so i think you musrt be mature enough. there is only one true answer to  this. he doesent want to argue with you.he says he stoped smoking,but he is not strong enough to do it yet.but still,he doesent want to hurt you or he doesent feel goog to admit he is too week and cannot stop so easy. but if you are not repressing him with that,and if you support him and show him you love him no matter if he smoke or not, it will be different. so,show some empathy here.its not easy to stop smoking for some people. you'll see ,he may be stronger when see you wont make a big deal from it
121307
Think about the future. Sweet is nice, but it doesn't get the bills paid. If he's a hard worker, makes good money, takes good care of you, is nice, then leave him alone and shut up. If he's basically useless, and just wants to do his own little smoking thing, dump him.
188385
People change naturally... but for good or for bad is up to that person...\nIf your man is really intent on continuing to do the right thing, then he should eventually grow out of it... if not, then my guess is that he'll fall back into what he used to do...\njust try to keep him on the right track and if he really does go back to drugs and drinking... dump him
550230
He seems to have put you in a dilemma so just how much is he worth ,,,, You are only 19 ,,,, You are too young for this kind of crap and you don't need it either ,,,, A relationship should be fun and exciting and certainly NOT like what you've just explained ,,,, As far as the drug problem is concerned ,,,,  In my experience I've learned that once a user then always the user ,,,, This is his problem and there's nothing you can to do remedy it ,,,, It's more than obvious that he doesn't really care about you anyway ,,,, If he did he'd be bending over backwards to show you how much he cared for you ,,,,,  You explained that you can't even find him ,,,, Do you want to be his baby sitter for the rest of your life ?? ,,,,  You need to cut your losses and run ,,,, You need to drop this guy like he was a hot rock or something ,,,,  And stick to your guns ,,,, Don't let him talk you out of it no matter what he says or how he acts ,,,, Guys can be good actors too up to and including tears ,,,,,  Don't let him fool you ,,,, He's chosen his path ,,,, You need to worry about your own life ,,,, Don't let this guy drag you down ,,,, Start looking for someone that is concerned about you and is willing to do what it takes to make you happy ,,,,  Yoda said this ,,,,,
648133
Amazing. Boys! Can't live with them, can't live without them. What he did to you is not only emotionally and physically draining to you, it's just plain wrong. Deep down, I think you know what you need to do. You have a lot of what I call "but" statements. "I dont like it, but....," "I left him behind, but....,"  "I really love him, but...." For every good, I would venture to guess that you can count 10 bad. He smokes pot, so that tells you he is killing his brain cells, and doesn't respect himself as well as you. He engaged in sexual intercourse with another woman. Therefore, not only is he a pothead, loser, deadbeat, and moron, but he is also unfaithful. Because he is willing to engage in risky sexual behaviors, if you continue to be with this loser, you too could possibly contract a nasty std. \nNow, it's easy for me to play armchair quarterback. When you love someone it's difficult to let go. Here is a man that you spent 2 years of your life with. However, you stated yourself that it was "off and on" for the last two years, which is an indication of an unstable relationship. He lives in Florida, you live in Georgia. Not to say that long distance relationships do not work, but this one cannot work for the fact that this loser is too immature to be in a relationship, nor deserving of your love, time and attention. Take a moment to write a list of all the qualities that you desire in a boyfriend and stick to it. Have stringent requirements. Why? Because you're worth it. When you end the relationship with your boyfriend, state to him the reasons listed, and inform him that "NO" you two cannot be "just friends." Once you end the relationship, do not take his calls, do not reply to his emails, and do not see him in person. It's time to begin the healing process and move on........ Best of wishes to you.
460567
Your boyfriend has an addiction; one that is just as strong as an addiction to drugs, smoking, or alcohol. He will have to recognize that what is going on is an addiction and you will have to help him through it. If your boyfriend decides he wants to quit his addiction, there will mostly likely be relapses; you should be prepared for such.
271202
What you are feeling is natural, because you love him.  But think about it, he is putting the drug as his lover instead of you.  This is a big issue, and I'm sorry that you have to go through it because you guys have been dating for five years.  Should you be put second "NO", and do not put yourself in the situation.  I know that it's easier said then done. Think about what you want!  Good Luck!