His x-wife didn't want the divorce and can't seem to move on. She is still making him feel guilty about leaving and tells their children (12, and 14) that he has abandoned them for a new family. (I didn't meet him until a year after their divorce). I have children, and we have a baby together. His x-wife is hurting the kids by speaking badly of him all the time. How can he deal with this situation? And communicate with the kids. He currently has them here on the weekends.
206793
Deal with it as best you can.  She is a manipulating woman and won't change.  The kids are old enough to come to their own conclusions.  But watch out for the kids playing "mom vs dad" to their own ends - which happens with teenagers.  They will grow.  Let his kids know both you and he love them, and never speak badly of their mom in front of them.\n\nIf you are up to it, a little polite confrontation with her may be helpful (or not), but think about it.  Good luck!
124835
ive been through hell in my life too, i was beat and raped and even stabbed, and made to go w/out food, and w/out seeing my family. its not easy to forgive someone sometimes, but for your own sake you have too. all your doing is harboring all those negative feelings. do you want to be a victim all your life? of course you dont. so you need to decide right now that your not gonna be the victim anymore, you are the overcomer,ok? you can do it. you have a wonderful spouse right now and kids. you have so much to be thankful for. why would you want to let your past ruin your future? that doesnt make any sence at all. you dont have to talk to your ex, but just say outloud "i forgive, then say his name" "and im letting it go and giving it all to god, it no longer has any control over my life". and mean it when you say it. say it as much as you need to. remember this, if you live your life like this then you let your ex  win, he's won. he's still controlling you even though your not together. let it go, and let god!!! I did. and im gonna be remarrying this summer to the love of my life and i would never let my past put a damper on my happiness. i dont care about the past anymore, it just doesnt matter.
594945
Well, how well did her parents get along when they were together?\n\nYep, she's gotta add other people into the mix, and it's NEVER easy, but she's dealing with the same thing a billion people have dealt with before. Is she wimpy? No. She just hasn't found out yet, that she can handle anything life throws her way.\n\nShe's tough enough. She just has to dig deep enough to find herself. I talked a 6 yr.-old through a nasty divorce, in about 5 minutes. She knew what was coming, and how to prepare. A 12 can handle it easy. All she needs to know is that she can handle anything.\n\nYes (don't get me wrong), it's not fair to her, or either of her parents, that they made a questionable choice. But, when she goes up to either (both) of them, and asks, "If the only way to make me, was to get married to him/her,... would you take it back?" They're her parents. The answer is no. There is no one sane on this planet who would undo their child. They made a great decision to have her, and now they've got the good sense to get apart from each other, before they **** it up. \n\nI bet she's a good kid. Look out for her, and keep her that way.
195701
Stop jumping half-cocked.  Did you push your husband to have an arguement with her . . . because it sounds like something a woman would do . . . fight with an ex- when they had a semi-descent relationship especially with the kids.\n\nBy having you husband confronting her . . . (on your behest) . . . she turned it that you two don't love his kids, whom she has major custody of.  I know it is untrue . . . but that it what it does look like by doing that . . . both to his kids and to the neighborhood.\n\nYou gave yourselves the black eye . . . \n\nWhat to do . . . live and let live . . . do not get overly involved with her . . . but since his kids are closer . . . maybe it is time for him to take a more active role with his children lives . . . . use the opportunity to repair the damage you both just did.\n\nShe could have thought . . . If I move closer to the children's father . . . maybe he will be more willing to see them . . . apparently not . . . with your reactions.  \n\nSelfish.
337617
You haven't said anything that makes it sound as if you should take him back.  And as Dr. Phil says, kids would rather be from a broken home than live in one.  Why on earth would you want to take him back if he hasn't been good to you and your kids?  And what's the story with your husband - are you still with him or planning on leaving him?
505937
I am so sorry that you and your children have to deal with this man. I was married to a sociopath/narcissist man for 15 years. I thought I was going crazy. I've heard that the way to handle custody issues with a sociopath is to not let them know that they are upsetting you, they get some kind of thrill from hurting people who are wise to them. You've become a threat. Remember, to them, they are never wrong. They will never admit defeat. Know in your heart that a sociopath won't want to be tied down with the responsibilities of raising children. Their need for thrills is too strong and he will sabotage himself because they never learn from their mistakes. Try not to show how much he upsets you. There are a lot of resouses out there who can help you. Call the local mental health facility because you'll likely need support. I know that I've benefited from information about how they think; I have a hard time understanding it though. I've learned that I just have to accept the way they are and to keep my distance. They are their own worse enemy. A counselor would likely be helpful for you and your children. I wish you all they luck and lots of prayers. Be thankful that you saw who you were dealing with when you did!
290437
Here is the BIG PICTURE ON THIS; I was reading the newspaper this morning on the Boston Herald and there was a front page article on Polygamy.  Because of the 20/20 news story.  Why is this relevant?  Because IT ALL BOILS DOWN TO INTIMACY.  There are so many emotionally dysfunctional people in this world and that dysfunctionality starts at SUCH an early age.  Heck, I notice when my 7 year old niece had been watching programs that are too old for her because she'll want to kiss me on the lips and I say, no, that's not for Aunts, that's for mommy's and daddy's.  Kids DO NOT KNOW boundaries (and nor does he) and if parents don't do an effective job at establishing those boundaries, you don't develop properly and psychologists ALL agree that if your brain doesn't develop properly in certain areas by a certain age, it never will.  So with ALL the issues that parents have from being married too young, to unwanted pregnancies to bad relationships to controlling parents or the other millions of issues, you better bet your sweet cheeks that people, including your friend's husband, are going to have weird emotional and sexual hang ups.  And it's all because of a lack of healthy boundaries and healthy intimacy.   It isn't normal for him to do this, of course not but I'd be SCARED TO DEATH to find out what the average american is doing in bed.  And the huge fight they had is totally predictable.  It's her feeling frustrated and angry because she can't control his behavior and is scared of it and then belittling him and shaming him which is probably EXACTLY what his mother did to him to set boundaries, she shamed him and guilted him like lots of parents do without even knowing.  Do you see the pattern?  So her reaction is subconsciously what he expects from her and subconsciously that could be the reason he wants to do it, the shame and guilt is his dysfunctional way of getting attention and love.  He married someone who would shame him in a severe situation and she did exactly that.  he doesn't have the intimacy skills to try and become more emotionally healthy because he is essentially afraid of her reaction.  Make sense?  So it's easier for him to act out his hang ups and try not to get caught.   It's very deep but very true.  If you've been to therapy or studied psychology, this would make perfect sense.  and you may have!  Bottom line, there are serious unhealthy patterns here and it's not just on his side.  She shames and guilts and he behaves in a way that will be shamed and guilted.  They both need counseling.
29778
He sounds like a dirtball. Sorry to hear it. Get a good lawyer and take his a*s to court again. DONT listen to friends and family...get a lawyer. Your kids well being is worth it. GOOD LUCK!
491087
I'm divorced, with 2 kids of my own, that live with me, and I'll tell ya, until HE is right with himself, there is NOTHING you can do.  He has to figure out what the deal is himself.  And you may need to find an alternative.
222188
He will never leave his ex.My mom went through the same thing except it was 13 years she was with him like that she finally found a old friend they got together and they have been together since.I don't know how she could stand knowing that when he was not with her that he was with his wife.He had given my mom a wedding ring 2 years before they broke up and he kept saying he was leaving and never did.He is still with his wife to this day.
409366
you're his wife, now and given the past I would demand that they only talk when it involves their child and with you there.If he has a problem with that I would wonder what those two are REALLY talking about\nHe left you for her once,so beware, sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too.\nI hate to tell you, cause it hurts, but in my opinion, he's clearly not over her. If I was in your shoes I would be angry and insecure as well.I won't tell you ,you should leave cause that's easier said than done, when you love some one. But at least talk to him.\n\nyou can't control what people do, but you can control what you let them do to you.
649918
Time has a way of taking care of things.  You might be looked at right now a road block in him and his ex getting back together.\nHang in there, with all the kids and love in the family, it will not take long for their wall to come down.  Kids are a good starting point, they are honest and can't help being trusting and open.\n&#92;They will love you !
659316
An angry ex-wife is hell. My sister went thru the same thing, and let me tell you, it affects everybody in the family. They need to be strong to be able to safe their relationship.
294849
Sorry to hear of your problems. My 2 oldest sons have a step mom & dad. It gets hard but over time it's been the best thing ever. My boys weren't aloud to call me mom in front of him. After a few months of being remarried, the step mom put her foot down on that subject as well as a few others. Her & I have went out with the boys & spent the day together. With the dads was very hard for my boys at first. My 2nd husband would try to hard & it pushed them away. Once he realized this he started talking to them like he does to our daughter we have. Now they call him dad,ask his opinion on things & have much respect for him. But only pointing only the things that are wrong on the kids part is damaging. They will think they are nothing but screw-ups & will cause problems in the years to come. Tell the man to tap into his boyhood along with the kids & just let loose. Ensure him he's not always wrong,but he has to let them be kids to. Let him know that he needs to compliment them on good things to earn their respect.Hopefully things will get better because no man is worth loosing your children over. Good luck my friend. In our families, the STEPS are blessings.
244405
I am a doctor and while having wild trouble with my wife, I decided to never be with here again.  I have 2 kids. A few months later, 4 to be exact, I started living with one of my patients, who is 40, and had a wild drive for me since 2 years ago. While being my patient nothing happened, but we started talking after I left my wife, never to return I thought. I lived with this woman for over a year, and that was the happiest time of my life. Nevertheless, my kids were having very serious trouble, and even though I did not wish to see my wife again, I decided to return to my kids and get them out of trouble. I will never stop loving my patient, she was the sweetest girl I've never known, but I cannot live happily with her while my kids are going down hill. I may be damned, but I need my kids to be OK for me to be happy, and they demand my presence. I could never feel happy while being with the woman I love while my kids are going through trouble. You being a virgin is not an issue to me, it should not be an issue to you, it should not be an issue for anybody loving you. What worries me is to find you left aside because this guy is married. I am not saying it is right or wrong, I am saying I doubt he will feel absolutely and sincerely happy with you while thinking about his kids. Been there, done that, don't go there, yo don't want to go there. You'll be happy for a while, and then you will know hell. Excuse my honesty, but I do not wish any human being to go through my experience. Hence I have the need to speak about it. And only anonimously. Take my word: you don't want this.\nPD: I am aged 46.
616330
Been there. You didn't say how the ex feels about you. Why does she deny him seeing his child? Because I do not know if my answer will help if you don't have the same life I had. The ex hated me and didn't mind telling everyone she knew. She thought I was the root of their separation. I didn't even know my now husband at the time they 1st broke up. I had been going with him for about 5 months when I found out that he wasn't DIVORCED! So for that reason she used us being together as what was wrong with their relationship. She told everyone that Mike drank all the time and that she didn't trust him being alone with his son. When really it was a way to punch him for leaving her. The reason for not getting a divorce right away, he didn't want them to cancell their medical insurance. Dumb then...we played her game for many months. Then I started checking things out. He could get the divorce, keep insurance on his kid, pay child support (a must) and the court would let him have his son every other weekend. If she didn't produce the child..She could go to jail. So Check it out where you leave. Your man may want to make the divorce legal...Now to the other part of your question..Why does she have to be there..Just to piss you off more than likely. She will dress up and look great. As if to say..see what you are missing. Have him get a divorce..then the ball is back in your court. Only never be late on one child support payment..or you guess it..she would have him in jail..Again just to piss you off. Don't let her get you down. But, make him make a choice and get a divorce..or get the hell out now why you can.
268637
Hey I've been in that situation.  Sounds to me like the guy has a very big control issue.  He doesn't want you to have a life other than the kids and him.  I am telling you from personal experience.  It doesn't get any better.  The question is, are you willing to have no life at all, or are you ready to spread your wings and fly.  You are not doing anything wrong, so either he is doing something wrong to put the thoughts in his head that you are doing something wrong, or he wants complete control and when you go out, he is losing the control.  You need to be very careful in this situation, because it can and probably will turn violent.  Protect yourself and your children.  Right now, it is only verbal and mental abuse, but it will turn into physical abuse with not much provoking.