My mother married to 2 abusive men. I was young through her 2nd marriage & I remember it well. Aft my mother left him, she did a very good job of teaching me abt the warning signs of abuse. She wanted to assure her daughter wouldn't go through the same thing.\n\nWhen I met my fiance he was great, later things went bad. All the warning signs were there & yet I ignored them. I ignored his anger problem. I ignored it when he couldn't get along with my family. I ignored it when he isolated me from my friends & family. I ignored his controlling behavior & I ignored his verbal & physical abuse. I repeatedly lied to my mother abt him & I made excuses for his behavior for 2 yrs. It took me 3 years & the support of a very good friend to get the strength to leave him.\nLooking back, I feel like an idiot. I should have known better. I'd seen it before, was well educated & I knew it only gets worse. My mother would blame herself if she knew, but I know she did her best.\nWhy do we do this?
208514
we always look for qualities that our parents had in our future mates, consciously and unconsciously. there is alot we have no control over in attraction and who we choose. We do not want to get rid of our father, we want to change him for the better. It may have been that , you knew better, but you still did it with hope that it would all change because you loved him, he was life as you knew it. you are not stupid, but smarter from the experience. without him you would not have all of those precious moments. For it is way better than you still being single or worse having one worse. There is literature about breaking the cycle of abuse you should look into, if i find anything i will update my answers.
445874
When you say this was an "arranged marriage", I assume you are from a different culture.  I find it interesting that so many reported domestic violence cases in the USA seem to involve families that have come from other cultures/countries.  \n\nI'm not making any judgements about this; it's just an observation.  And I'm not implying that there isn't plenty of domestic violence in homes of American born families, there certainly is.\n\nBut I seriously question your belief that "there is supposed to be only one person in your life to whom u give everything...".  Look around you and you will see countless examples of people finding their second choice for romance/relationships much more fulfilling, loving and supportive than their first!  \n\nIt's because we all grow as human beings.  We aren't the people we were five or ten years ago....thank goodness!  And as we grow, we find out more about ourselves, people in general,  and our choices, and hopefully we become wiser.  So the person we might choose to be with at 20 years old isn't necessarily the person we'd choose at 30 or 35.  And this isn't only because we change, but because we become better judges of other peoples' character.\n\nAnd to think that because you found yourself with a violent, emotionally immature man the first time in a marriage, you can never have anything better is appalling!  You deserve better than that, and so does your child.  \n\nBut the feelings you are describing don't sound like depression to me.  They sound like the symptoms of grieving....greiving for a love lost, grieving for the family you thought you were creating, and grieving for your innocence that was so cruelly torn from you.  It will take time to heal these wounds, as it takes time to heal from all deep loss.  But you can heal, and you can move on, and you can find more in life to enjoy, celebrate and in which to find hope and contentment.\n\nI wish you all good things.
395354
Good for you for making the very difficult decision to leave. I don't know if you have gone to counseling. That can be a good step in moving on. Some shelters for abused women have free counseling programs even for women who have not lived there. Also there are often non-profit counseling centres. If you are in North America call 211 or your local community information center for more details.\n\nI had a bad five year relationship that began to be physically abusive by the end. In my situation, I found that talking to an experienced counselor helped. I also got involved in activities that I had let slide when I was with my ex. I spent a lot of time reconnecting with old friends. It's a good time to explore new hobbies too. If you can't think of one, think of what you most loved doing as a child (painting, singing, writing...) and maybe take something like that up again. This is your time to find out more about you. I wish you all the best!
251271
I know exactly what you mean. My husband and I separated seven months ago, and it's been really hard.\nI look forward to the day I can divorce him, not because I can't stand him (which I can't sometimes) but because that will be a day of closure for me.\nI keep reminding myself that this is a person I will be connected to forever. We have two children, and I have to see him all the time. I remind myself that I chose to be with this person and that I simply made a mistake. Unfortunately, now I have two children that will pay for that mistake, but life is what you make it.\nMy ex makes my life very difficult, but I have learned that I can't control people's behaviour, I can only control my reaction to it. I know it's easy to say that, but if you keep saying it and try not to react it will become easier as time goes on.\nNow, whenever my husband yells, swears, is rude in any way I don't just ignore the bad behaviour, I continue to talk to him in a very civil way. I don't kill him with kindness, I just speak to him the way I would like to be spoken to. It has slowly gotten better, and now he realises I'm not going to get into a screaming match with him he doesn't try and provoke me as much anymore.\nI hope I have been some help to you. It's never easy going through something like this. It is times like these when you find out who your real friends are, and you lean on them.\nFeel free to message me if you feel like it. Best of luck.
396634
I think you have made the right decision. Breaking the cycle is the hardest thing you can do in you life. I was abused mentally,sexually and physically as a child and I didn't get away from it until I got married. I think you are a very brave and special person for standing up to you dad. Because It is wrong for someone especially the man that is suppose to be your protector to hurt you like that. And your mom should put you first. You are probably missing your mother's love, that all girls need. Try to go to counselling,and find a female that can and is willing to give you "motherly love".
608082
The same thing here. My man's mother more than awful. She's one of those "christains" that quotes the bible and tell you that you're going to hell, but she does every evil thing there is to do. She stole from him, forged his income tax return, lied and manipulate every situation and she told me that if I was to concieve a child, she didn't want no parts of it. I'm writing a book about my experiences with her drama. I ignored her. I stopped playing nice with her after she attack him when he was in the ER. I told her exactly what I thought of her and I ignore her. Eventually, he cut her loose. It was his decision. It's been a year now since we last heard from her. Life has been great and less stressful without her.
94709
catgal,\nI’m so sorry that you had to go threw something so awful, I know how you feel, I went threw a similar situation but it wasn’t my uncle it was my mom's third husband, I wont get into details but I was 12 and it lasted a year. Karma_creadit hit the nail on the head. You should really take her advice. You don’t have to be crazy to go to a therapist, you just have to have some f****d up people in your life. Lol  jk\n\nThink about it this was you got all the hard s**t  in your life out of the way   ;)\n\nDon’t listen to acdc74023, he seems a little F****d up. It sounds like he has a lot of issues of his own he needs to figure out before giving advice to anyone else. Plus i think the only reason he answered your ? was to get 2points (loser)\n\nGood luck with your family\n\nHope I helped
433796
Were you aware of her diagnosis before marrying her and were you educated? I work with chronic mentally ill people and believe you me I know what you are talking about. It takes a very strong person to deal with BPD.  I have never seen anyone with BPD get better with age. They just learn bigger and better ways of getting attention. Very hard to deal with especially when they are in the world of "ME" that is how I describe them. They are worse than any 12 year old.  I think it depends on how much you are willing to put into this marriage and if you have the strength. I have a friend who stayed in his marriage for 16 years (has 11 yr old daughter he has custody of now) and I watched him suffer dealing with her being hospitalized and she was really abusive. He thought he was obligated to take care of her, therefore, neglecting himself. He is now divorced from her and still at times keeps in touch just to be sure she is safe. She is doing fine. They know how to get their way. Anyway, it just depends on you and how strong you are. Are you willing to live this way the rest of your life? Good Luck to you and God Bless!!!
571427
listen to your heart.\nmy now fiance cheated and got her prgnant and we are getting married and i know how twisted that sounds without going into detail but i di a lot of soul searching so to speak and i just couldnt give up on us. yes you have every right to be angry and you will forgive him in time if you so choose to but take it slow and figure out what it is you want. sounds to me like you really love him and dont want to give up but i don't want to go into  to much detail about my life but i do know what you are going through and you can e-mail me at crazybearnluv69@aol.com if you want and i can better explain.
109876
veena_2017satishkumar,\n\nDon’t allow anyone to treat you that way. He cannot do it without your permission. You suffer from low self esteem, or he wouldn’t even think of hitting you. The fact that you tolerate this misbehavior is regrettable.\n\nYour marriage is worth saving, but you must stop the violence, or it will only escalate. Your 2 children need to see a healthy marriage with 2 parents that love each other and love them. Set a good example for your children, so they will enjoy healthy relationships in the future. Teach them to stand against evil and win.\n\nI was married for 20 years and there were many problems for about 10 of those years, but I never hit my wife. Clearly a man has superior strength, but it is not right to use it to win an argument or to control another person.\n\nI will say a prayer for you. God bless.
129516
Bless your heart. It will take time after going through verbal abuse. Words hurt deeper than any slap, and the pain lasts far longer. Please seek marriage counselling.
524008
I'll advise you stick to hope that things will improve with time. Your friend's brother is probably still angry about something that may have happened in your relationship with your fiancee or with himself. You may need to summon courage to ask to discuss your differences. Meanwhile stick to hope and the positive - the fact that your fiancee still sticks up for you. She and mom are still on your side, aren't they? That's enough to sustain hope. Best wishes for a happy resolution.
97785
It happened to me. My husband and my sister no less.  It ruined my marriage, even after 28 years I haven't forgiven him.  He ended up with a terminal illness- Multiple Sclerosis for 15 years. He passed away in 2004. I felt like I had to stay and help him.  His actions affected my relationship with my older son and my sister...not that she was worth a second chance. But, I did try.  My mother, father, and baby sister didn't talk to me for 15 years- yea, like it was my fault. My brother and I remained estranged until he passed away. All I did was stay with the guy.  Big mistake! My younger son is not really part of the family every one shuns him because he looks like my husband. My sister's daughter ended up being an outcast and tried to commit suicide twice. What should you do?  Move on...make a life for yourself, find someone that respects you and loves you for who you are now... don't wait it will only hurt you! I am 53 back in college and making a life for myself for the first time. I have never been happier. I plan on traveling and staying alive! With as much enthusiasum as possible..If you need to have someone beside you I am sure that there will be that certain someone around the corner.  For myself, I just love being myself. One day maybe I'll meet someone but, for now my happiness and peace of mind it what counts to me.
626165
I agree with you and I don't believe we should dismiss these kind of blatant abuses under the catchall idea that the person being victimized is old enough to know better. Clearly, your mother has some serious self-esteem issues if she finds any of what you are describing as not only acceptable, but forgiveable. Until she addresses whatever inside herself tolerates such bad behavior, she is doomed to repeat the same mistake in the next relationship even if she left this guy. Unfortunately, society also forces women into this position because, truth is, an attached woman (regardless of what kind of man she is attached to) is considered to be better than an unattached one. Sad, but the reality we live in.\n\nPersonally, if I was in that situation I would move out and tell my mother that I can not bear witness to her self destruction. It might be harsh, but sometimes people have to feel the void in order to realize how their actions negatively impact those around them.
385973
i too went through this, 10 years of it, whenever we were having any discussion he would turn it around and i would be made the problem, it escalated into name calling, fat hog, slut, really bad names. whenever he did not get his way or wouldn't stick up for me to his son, no matter what the problem, he would change the subject and suddenly i became the problem. after awhile our communication suffered, actually i was too afraid to even bring anything up, did not feel safe, knew i would be the focus, and if he couldn't find a problem with me, he would make one up. just causes resentment and eventually someone will get so angry that they will stray from the marriage. think the problems stem from a more serious thing, it's never about what they say about you, or the names u get called, it runs deeper than that, think it's about something they feel they are not getting out of the marriage.
311750
Has he left before and came back?  Then You have to worry.  If He has been violent before, pack some things and You and Your Mom get out.  You know How intense He has been in the past, and what He may or may not have done, before that You need to be concerned about.  Just go to Your Mom and talk to Her, calm Her down, tell Her You are in this together.  If He has been abusive He may have made her think she can't make it without Him.  If You pray, get on Your knees and Pray with Her, that all will be OK, and that the two of You will be Safe, and You Both will make it fine, together.  My heart is with You, no one should have to go through this, especially a Child.  God Bless, and Best Wishes
673399
SERIOUSLY, GET HELP NOW AND GET OUT WHILE YOU CAN. THIS IS CALLED ABUSE, AND HE IS OBVIOUSLY AN ABUSER. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO LIVE WITH THIS. YOU'RE WORTH MORE THAN THAT. GET OUT, GET HELP, GET ON WITH YOUR LIFE. I BEEN THERE DONE THAT, AND I SPENT SIX YEARS WITH AN ABUSER. AT FIRST IT IS ONLY WORDS. THEN IT'S SLAPS, AND THEN BEATINGS. IF YOU STAY, YOU WILL END UP SERIOUSLY HURT OR DEAD. THERE IS LIFE OUTSIDE OF HIM, & YOU SHOULD GET TO IT. I KNOW IT SOUNDS LAME, BUT GET COUNSELING IMMEDIATELY. FRIENDS, FAMILY, WHOEVER. I LOST SIX YEARS OF MY LIFE TO A LOSER. HE HAD ME TOTALLY CONVINCED THAT NO ONE ELSE WOULD EVER WANT ME AND I DESERVED EVERYTHING THAT I GOT. I HAD NO SELF ESTEEM AND NO SELF RESPECT. I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS AND MOST OF MY FAMILY BECAUSE OF THAT LOSER. THE ONLY THING THAT OPENED MY EYES AND SAVED MY LIFE WAS GETTING PREGNANT, AND REALIZING THAT I DID NOT WANT MY CHILD TO LIVE WITH HIM TELLING HER THAT SHE WASNT GOOD ENOUGH, & HIM BEATING ON HER & EVENTUALLY LOSING MINE OR HER OR BOTH OF OUR LIVES  BECAUSE HE JUST WENT "A LITTLE TOO FAR" WITH THE BEATINGS ONE DAY. PLEASE TRUST ME ON THIS ONE. GET OUT NOW WHILE YOU CAN. THERE IS NO REASON ON EARTH FOR YOU TO HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THAT. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE GET HELP & GET OUT. YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN HELP YOURSELF, AND IN THE LONG RUN, IT WILL BE WELL WORTH IT. DON'T BE STUPID & WAIT LIKE I DID.