I've been married to a manipulative and verbally abusive male for 13 years, Should I go ahead and live my life without trying to make him happy, and make him go thru all the steps of divorcing me if he wants. He's changed a lot in the last couple of years. I don't know if I have the energy to pursue the issues, and he knows he has the problems. I just don't know if I want to consume my time with a 'new life' so to speak. He runs literally away when it's time to deal with things. If he can't appreciate me, is there any need to waste any effort 'obeying' his lack of sense ideas, especially his lack of money ideas. He's gotten us into a lot of trouble that way. He apparantly thinks it's time to get my approval to do more of that now. Walking out would be too easy...for him. Get my gist...been thru this with another spouse, and I did ALL the work to get him out of his marriage to me. I think God has a different plan here...could be wrong.
202456
LEAVE HIM -- you owe it to yourself to find a happier life.  Don't think that you are too old or that you have invested too much time in this relationship.  Don't let him talk down to you or intimidate you into not leaving.  He's the coward and he's trying to take his insecurity out on you.  The transition period won't be easy, but once you are away from him, you will look back and be glad that you ended it.  Better things are in store for you.  Good luck.
310601
Oh girlfriend you are much better prepared.  Since you are mutually agreeing to divorce it shows that you are aware of what it is you want in a relationship, marriage or otherwise. The next man that you decide to marry will respect you more since you don't hold any ill will to your current husband soon to be ex...It shows that you have taken your life seriously. I am soon to be divorced from an abusive cheating husband, but the man I am currently with is the exact opposite.  If it weren't for his tenderness and compassion, not to mention love of God I would not be writing this to you.  Your gonna be fine darling!
100529
Divorce sucks, but I wouldn't let the potential keep me from getting married.  Just make sure you really believe it's someone you want to spend your life with.  I know that's easier said than done, but be strong, and be honest with yourself and your partner, and you shouldn't have anything to worry about.  I wish you all the hapiness and luck in your relationships.
632614
i don't think that there is anything that anyone on here can tell you that you don't already know.you aren't going to "leave him"untill you are ready to. and unfortunetly it may take something really hurtful for you to do it.\n       i was with an abussive man for a little over a year. i loved him to death though. when he wasn't hitting me, and verbally abusing me, kicking down my door, and cheating on me, he was very funny and "loving." he was and still is the only person who can really make me laugh, but he's also the only one who can really make me cry. i put up with a lot for that year or so, and people told me to leave him alone. even the police told me to leave him alone. but i couldn't. i loved him and i knew that he would  "change." \n        one day we were arguing and he hit me down to the floor and just began kicking me in the back and stomach. that's when i realized that he actually didn't love me. he just wanted to controle me. and he was able to do that by being "super sweet" so if i ever had a doubt, i could also think of something sweet that he had done( which of course meant that he loved me). by the end of that relationship, my body would literally shake at the sight of him. even to this day, a little over a year later, if i see him walking on the street i'm terrified.\n     i don't know, all i'm saying is we can't make your decisions for you. you have to look at your future... do you see it getting better? worse? staying the same? and figure out whether that is what you want for the rest of your life. i would have married that man, if he had asked me to, i loved him that much. but if i would have, my life would be a living hell.
216057
The behavior of your husband and his family is very un-Christian-like behavior. They should be welcoming you with open arms. It sounds like you wonder why he even married you. Don't stop praying. As with any difficult situation, prayer and God can get you through. I don't know how I would have survived some of the heartbreaks I've faced in 52 years without prayer and God.\n\nIt sounds as if you feel ganged-up-on by his family and his church. Family is one thing, and bad enough for them to treat you poorly, but for his church to do the same is unconscionable.\n\nWhat I would do is to seek the advice of an attorney. Then you'll have the information you need in making the decision to stay or go. You have to balance your emotional and mental health with the money you've put into the house. Which is more important?\n\nI'm so sorry that you are so miserable in this marriage. I pray you'll continue to seek God's perfect will for you. That He will guide and comfort you. Bless you, my dear.
147686
Hmmm...I can not advocate that cheating on your husband no matter what the circustances are is right because if you are unhappy you at least owe it to him to voice your emotions and to move on. Just because you don't have a good relationship does not mean that his feelings should be neglected just to satisfy your own. Since you two have been together for quite some time don't you think that you owe him that much to be honest? You say that he treats you badly and that you are unhappy but I'm sorry that doesn't justify your cheating in anyway especially considering that you have no children involved that might cause you to be stuck in staying. As for the guy that you are seeing now, maybe you are in love and perhaps a future with him will be great but you are more or less in that fairytale stage of a relationship where they can do no wrong and this will fade. If this is something that you honestly feel is worth pursuing in order to make yourself happy then go for it by all means. Just remember that your happiness does not need to be based on a man and that you can find it yourself no matter what the outcome. I think that the betrayal and hurt is going to be worst for your husband who has no idea of what is about to surface and that for you it might be hard but that you'll make it since you have realized that this marriage is no longer what you want. I'm in no way trying to put you down or belittle you for your actions because it happens to the best of us since we are all only human but I would definitely consider your situation a little further and make sure that this guy just doesn't look like a better option because you dont really have the repsonsbilities and obligations that you share with your husband. There are no stings attached at this point with this new guy so it makes it all light-hearted and fun and if you do both embark on a relationship (especially a long distance one) there will be difficulties that will eventually come along. I would suggest taking some time out for yourself once you get a divorce and not rush into anything too quickly. I think that you need to hash out somethings with yourself instead of seeking comfort from a man that is merely supplying what is lacking in ur current relationship. Obviously if you decided to get married to your spouse, these feelings at one point or another were there with him and look at what has become of that. I think you need to just really spend some time with yourself and getting to reaquainted with your independent single self before finding an identity in someone else. I'm sure you are a good person and I hope that whatever choice you make that you will find the happiness that you seek. Just remember the feeling of everyone else involved and don't let your heart do all of the thinking for you during a time when you need to use your head. Best of luck to you:)
19865
I have been in this same situation.  This is not advice, but how it transpired for me.  My ex-wife was not good for myself and my two sons.  I left her.  I had those same exact thoughts and dilemma on what to pray for. Take her back and get the good and the really bad.  Or go solo with two young children and deal with loneliness and single parent struggles.  What I realized was that my ex-wife was not doing what I believe was the will of GOD. And that was to take care of us and do what was pleasing to GOD.  So I opted to take the less traveled road and not go back. 14 years have passed since then.  I still have my sons.  I have my second wife now going on 12 years.  I have an adopted daughter who is almost 4.  My life is tremendously better than it was back then.  Why? I found a person who REALLY loved my sons and myself unconditionally. Also, she was a real living example of a Christian.  By the way, her first husband ditched her after she sent him through numberous colleges.  Funny how GOD works. Sometimes your answers will come in the most unusual ways.  GOD gives insight and wisdom to get you through. Take Care of yourself. You will do what is right.  Just remember, there can be great gain by experiencing loss.  Also, I am not an advocate of divorce. However, it is necessary for the welfare of the children and yourself if your spouse hardens their heart with no recourse after much prayer and pleading.
524557
This book REALLY helped me examine my marriage and decide to stay or go. \n\nLOVE MUST BE TOUGH\n\nI am SO SORRY that you are basically being torn down. Please find a trusted friend that can be there for you and help you maintain perspective on what is right and wrong. And talk to them so you don't blow up like a tea kettle one day and then he says "See you ARE blalblablabl" like an asshole b/c that is what they do. So release that tension.\n\nHe is being difficult and unrealistic.\n\nThe book will help to tell you to stay or go and if you STAY how to act to potentially change how things are.
462016
well a hard question, but if you have tried everything and talked to your husband about how you feel and he wont change then its time to end it.\nbe careful the fact that he digrades you and belittles you publicly is often the early signs of an abusive man. he is on a power trip and whats you to feel bad about yourself and make you think everything that happens to go wrong is your fault. once he gets you comfortablw with the he may get physically abusive to you. or else he may threaten to or actually harm your children. \nbe careful and make a plan for your exit. once you make up your mind you need to follow through and leave and don't ever look back\nif you want to talk to someone you can email me. ive been there and im out now.
611238
Well girl I have to commend you on your patience and understanding of his illness.  It takes a Strong person emotionally to be able to stand by him through all of this.  But now that it is all said and done and he is still treating you like crap.  That should tell you some thing.  I won't tell you to stay or leave.  You will have to decide that for your self.  As my mother told me once, life is to short for one or both to live it being miserable.  And she was a firm believer in marriage, you take the good with the bad.  But when one is hurting the other so bad that it is killing them inside it's time to make a decision.  And yes God will forgive you if you leave.  He is a forgiving and loving God.   He understands what you have been through.  Pray for guidance.  God did not put us here to be a door Matt for abuse.  You have a right to be happy.  And I can see that your night.  You need to do what is right for you.  It will take time for the wounds to heal. But as long as you are with him they will never heal.  Things will just get worse.  Good luck do what is right for you.
266488
This is a complicated question.  Since you have not given any detals on why you are unhappy.  Is he abusive?  Or what.  Now we all know how God feels about divorce.  But God is also an understanding and forgiving God.  All if forgiven if asked.  No one has the right to judge except for God and there are so many religions out there that  expect you to live their way.  Well you know what there is a difference between religion and christianity.  Religion is what you believe and Christianity is what you live.  I personaly don't care what others think, only what God thinks is important to me.  God would want you to do all that you can to make the marriage work.  But in the same time he wouldn't want you to live your life being misserable.  Divorce is forgiven by God.  Pray to him he will guide you.  Put your turst in him.  Never put you trust in man or religion they will always let you down.  Go to God in prayer tell him how you feel.  Always be open and honest with him.  Even thro he all ready knows what you are thnking and feeling he still wants to hear it from you.  Good luck and God Bless you
359012
I was in love with my husband since I was 15 years old.  I am now 31 and we have 2 children together.  He chose to make some choices within himself, which affected us as his family in a very negative way. He chose pain pills over his family, which took every penny he had, then turned into an evil addiction.  We have lost homes, jobs, have had the law at our home numerous times. As his wife, I wanted to help him and be there for him...after years of struggling with this addiction..and trying to help him..the girls and I are out of energy and have had our hearts broken one too many times.  He is now in prison..and we were still there for him while he is there...but it came to a point that after being in prison for 6 months...he still showed his selfishness and EXPECTED things from us.  I have now chose it is time to move on, I love him so very much, but I have no control of him or his choices anymore, and our girls and I do not deserve to struggle anymore.  It was time for divorce.  I still think about the person that I fell in love with everyday.  I pray for him.  But this love story got out of control, and had a very sad ending.
103549
This really depends on the exact reason he left like the others said.  My opinion would be if you truly wanted him back.  No man should leave his family because he is having some personal life changing issue.  My husband and I have literally been to hell and back and not once have we ever walked out on each other.  The key is open communication.  You obviously didn't have enough open communication for him to just leave.  My husband and I talk through everything.  We always keep our kids in mind when making any life changing decisions.  Kids are too young to understand and more often than not will blame themselves for what has happend with their parents.  \n\nIf he comes back or more importantly, if you decide to allow him back after this, you both need to have a very long talk and seek some sort of counseling.  Either professional or through a church.  He seems to be too young to have to walk out or leave his family.  In my opinion, he either wasn't ready for his family, or he is too self centered to care about how you and the children would react to it.  You MUST have an open relationship!  For better or for worse!  Isn't that what you said when you go married.  He should have thought about that then.  \n\nYou shouldn't put up with it.  If I were you, I would have a change of life yourself.  Two can play the game.  Keep your head up and don't let this get you down.  Let him see you are not concerned with the fact that he is gone and that you are perfectly capable of doing it on your own.  I'm not saying it will be easy, but look at your kids and know that no matter what you will never leave them and you will be there for them until the day you die.  That will pull you through.  \n\nI pray for the best for you.  Good luck and God Bless Y'all!!
446125
I'm not sure what kind of input you're looking for but I think you got some pretty decent input.  I'd tell you the same thing.  I was married to someone like that and he got very abusive with me.  You should definitely dump him.  I wouldn't give someone like that the time of day and if you actually cared about yourself at all you wouldn't either.  You're trying to look for answers within yourself that aren't there.  You can't blame yourself for the way he is.  Hes got serious problems and you'll have the same if you don't get away from him!  Good luck!
497889
As soon as you get some self respect you'll realize he isn't worth putting yourself through all this!  You said he repeatedly hurt you (that is NOT love) doesn't care anything about your or your kids (that is NOT love).  Why bother with him?  You can go find a good man and move on.  He'll keep using you as long as you let him.  You've already given him 13 years of your life.  Thats 13 years you'll never get back--from a man you said yourself doesn't love you.  Or your kids.  They should be a high enough priority in your life that you stay away from him.  Is he the kind of male role model you want them to see?  Is this unhealthy, hurtful relationship how you want to teach them to live their lives?  They'll end up unhappy, too.  Move on for everyone's sake.  Good luck!
235127
I hear your frustration, but I also hear someone who is still in love with the person they married.  Sure, you don't feel for him the way you used but some of that is normal after 10 years, and some of that is from the financial frustration that is dragging you down.  Some times life just doesn't work out the way we had planned and we have to decide if it is best to adjust our expectations or change our lives.  This isn't easy as you have stated because you may find out that nothing changes or things are even worse without him.  Divorce is a huge step and a risk because it doesn't guarantee you that everything will get better.  I guess the big question is, can things change financially just because of a divorce?
117248
I stayed for 5 years longer than I should have.\nIt was an abusive relationship but it started slow and I kept believing his promises to stop and how sorry he was.  We found what I thought was a good church and things seemed to get better for a while but it was back to the 2-3 times a year yelling and shoving dominance establishing routine.  Nothing I ever did was good enough but I did not want my marriage to fail.  I kept hoping that this really was the last time he was going to be so horrid to me.\nSomeone eventually asked me "How much more of your life are you going to waste?" right around the time that he really lost it.  So I hit my f**k this s**t point and moved in with mom.  (Oh my god I had to move back in with my mommy.  I was an adult and I had to move back home.  How big of a loser was I?)\nAfter I moved out and all of a sudden he was really sorry and he did want to go to counciling after all and he really was going to change and we could take that trip to the mountains (3 hrs away) that we never had before.  I was angry that he was willing to change after I had left but I wasn't worth it before.  And that church I thought was so cool told me that I should forgive him amd move back in.  And they are supposed to be so supportative of women.  Guess I know better now.\nOn the up side, after I left I met the love of my life and we have been together for over a year.  Nothing like marrying your best friend.  And with what I have been through in the past I am well aware of how lucky I am to have a REAL husband and not just a spouse.