married indian man, with a daughter. I have a real serious issue, which has been bothering me for some time. I happened to meet my ex-girlfriend again and we started to be friends and ended up becoming quite close. Since she was lonely here, I started supporting her financially and emotionally. I really don't know how but we started loving each other again. My wife doesn't know anything about this and she trusts me a lot. I do deliver the best and I am sure she is very happy with me. I was a man of principles earlier, but now I've started lying to my wife and started losing my self-esteem, which is also reflecting in my work. The guilty feeling and regret is always there. I need to balance the relationships, but have found that I am unable to do so. My ex doesn't mind losing me because she knows this is not going to take us anywhere. Recently, I found her attitude towards me changing slightly; she seems to be lying. Still, I continue to be very much addicted...
206778
how do u know this friend will not cheat on u ?\ndo u trust her as much as ur wife ?\nAnswer these questions then follow ur heart.\n\nbut my opinion talk to ur wife. she loves u and will do anything to make u happy.\nTrust Me!
248979
Well, of course your going to feel this way. Having someone take advantage of your good nature would naturally scorn anyone's soul and heart. How long has it been since the divorce? Your just going to have to have time to heal. I would suggest though going out to put your mind at ease, but don't rush into another relationship quite fast.  Trust is something your going to just have to build with women again. Look back at your ex-wife were there signs that she was out for just money? If so use those signs to your advantage and beware of such signs in future relationships. DON'T EVER TELL SOMEONE YOUR DATING THAT SHE WAS A GOLD DIGGER. This may lead them to believe you could easily manipulated and taken advantaged of regardless of how long the marriage was. Simply say it was mutual and you rather not discuss it. Besides it's no body's business regardless of whom your dating or not. If there were no signs then be even more aware don't be to harsh w/ us women NOT all of us are out for money. I will pray for you strength to get back on your feet. You pray for a good Christian woman to come into your life and to be able to learn to trust again. Good Luck & God Bless. When you decide to become involved with someone again don't continue to be on the defensive either. You choose to date the woman so give her a chance, but just be aware of signs. Trust her, until you have proven it to be other wise or it's broke.  Don't allow your insecurity from a previous relationship or your ex-wife to ruin your chance for happiness.
260661
Holy crap you sound EXACTLY like me. Keep doing what you're doing. Sorry to all the wives out there, but you have no obligation to anyone except yourself. He's the married one, so he has to take responsibility for his actions if she finds out. Enjoy yourself. Life's short.
453398
Wow, the answers you got so far sure cover the spectrum! I'm always amazed by those who are so quick to tell you exactly what to do, especially not knowing you or all the details of your situation. Only you know those, and only you can decide what course of action to take. I can sympathize, I'm in the exact same situation only in reverse. I call my wife my room mate because you don't usually fool around with a room mate. We just grew apart and she has nothing to do with me. Like you, I am hurt, angry and very lonely. I too struggled with this dilemma. If you're like me, the rest of your life is probably pretty good. You're just not happy, lacking what you desperately need. You sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of your marriage, your life, and everything you've built with this man. You also have regrets, many people marry thinking the other will change. When they don't, it's a disappointment. People only force change if they want to. he is who he is. For me, I've met a very special lady. I'm tired of being miserable. I believe everything happens for a reason. Being with another woman may finally help me see which course of action to take. I honestly have no idea how this will play out. As for you, you have to decide what you want out of life.
209962
Hey, you know, I am kind of in the same boat as you are, except for I have pretty much gone through having to hear my ex-husband cry to me every single time that I spoke with him to let me know how much is missed me.  I have two young boys with him, and believe me, it has been really hard, but thanks to my dear boyfriend who I now love a lot I have made it through.  I have been thinking about living with my boyfriend too, as my divorce will be in June, but it seems like I can't wait that long.  I don't know, but I just know that women seem to want things done much quicker and we don't like to wait to get what we want.  I would say to do what your heart tells you to do.
128512
Those of you that have said no to this, but have commented on why people cheat, and judge those that do, have really got no right to judge/comment unless they have been there and done that themselves or have been on the receiving end. As for me, yes I have cheated. Nearly 5 years into my marriage, we started having alot of problems. We weren't spending quality time together or communicating and there was no sex. When I tried talking to him on a deep and meaningful level, I got no input from him. I told him repeatedly that I was unhappy in our marriage and even to the point where I asked him if he would come to marriage counselling with me. He refused! I spent more and more time on the internet chatting to my friends until I got talking to a guy from Germany. Eventually, I was telling him about my marriage problems and how unhappy I was. From what started out as a friendship on the net and someone to talk to once or twice a week, ended up developing into something more and talking every day. It got to the stage where I hardly spent any time with my husband at all and he knew I was chatting on the internet. This guy from Germany told me he had developed feelings for me and was flying down to Melbourne to meet me. I kept it quiet from my husband and told him I was going away for a couple of weeks and that we needed the break. I picked this guy up from the airport and we drove interstate together and holidayed for two weeks. Yes, we had the most wonderful time together and when it was time for him to leave, he wanted to come back to Australia again and visit me. I felt so guiltly for cheating on my husband that when I returned home, I told my husband and also told him it was over between us and I moved out of the house. The guy from Germany and myself continued on with our relationship for about a year. The second time he came here, he spent a month with me in Melbourne where I was living at the time. Sadly though it didn't work out because long distance relationships are just too hard to maintain and there was no future for us because I found out in the end that he had no plans to marry and live in Australia. Some people think that people who cheat on their partners are scum, well most often than not, the people that are the cheaters, suffer as well. I'm not condoning cheating and I'm sorry for what I did but I not only lost my house (I left it to my husband)and security, but I nearly lost my family as well because they didn't agree with what I had done and my brother-in-law disowned me for awhile. If I could take back what I did, I would, but as the saying goes, what's done is done and my advice is to anyone that is thinking of cheating on their partners, don't! He'll end up finding out and if he doesn't, you'll have to live with the guilt for the rest of your life (if you have a conscious). For 2 to 3 years after I left my husband, I was an emotional mess. I cried constantly for the hurt that I brought upon my husband and also my family. If your marriage is in turmoil, communication is the key to a long and lasting marriage, so try and talk things through, seek a marriage counsellor if you have to and if all else fails, tell your partner you are leaving before you do something you will regret later! Life wasn't meant to be easy and you have to constantly put the time and effort in to make a relationship work! I learnt the hard way.....
205198
when I was in college I was, I can't access IM right now due to my location, but I will tell you this. I sped up her divorce, which was good for him and her. I was her Rock, because her family didn't like what she was doing and basically shut her out. After the Divorce her family started to accept her again and at the point I became "to annoying to be with" and now she is living in AZ somewhere with her dream man from HighSchool. So in a sense I ended a bad relationship, Got really really heart broken (which I learned alot about myself) and now 2 other people are happier because of what I did
223147
Hi, My X use to do the same exact things! I know exactly what it feels like, unfortunately the last few lies I found out were from my children. He was hangin around with a white trash piece of shit that was his sisters friend. He swore up and down they were just friends, come to find out he had been seeing her off and on for about 12 years! I was married to this asshole for 17 of them! Please please... Listen to your heart, especially with his track record.. make sure for yourself and I hope its not true, but that there isn't another woman! I don't know how I didn't find out sooner. I guess the kids were younger..not sure.. But the things you were saying is just how it was with us.. and he didn't even care when we didn't talk I think he actually enjoyed it because there was less to cover up if I wasn't asking him questions! But please keep your eyes and ears open, and I hope you find nothing but just in case hun.. take it from someone who has been there. Take care good luck and if anything changes please keep me informed or if u need another woman to talk to email or im me anytime! Good luck & be strong! Kim
29679
That happened to me and it was the end of the relationship.  We met in college, had a long-distance relationship, then together for several months, then she moved 4-5 hours away after getting fired and getting a better job.  She wanted to marry, or at least live together openly, while I knew I couldn't marry her (too neurotic, too much fighting) and tried to hold on to the passionate girlfriend/boyfriend relationship indefinitely.  So it had been a holding pattern for several months, and her moving didn't really change it.  Soon she told me of reciprocal interest with a co-worker, which in retrospect I think was trying to drive me off, but I didn't bite and was actually friendly with the jerk.  Finally she said, "I think we ought to cool it and date other people".  I was in shock, but I remember what came out was, "You mean you want to break up?"  I don't remember what she said but the upshot was I wasn't going to share and she didn't try to work out a sharing arrangement.  Eventually she married the jerk.  I got an invitation to the wedding but I never answered and broke off contact.\n\nSo through the lens of my life experience, the relationship is on its last legs and you're looking for the kill.  I think the more honest and humane approach would be to present an ultimatum to get off of hold or break up, or just leave if you're not committed enough to force that issue.  It may seem cold, but it's better than getting into the jealousy thing with other guys.  I know being left for another man was much harder on me than being left out of general dissatisfaction, and it killed my interest in follow-up friendship (that part might be a blessing).  Someone else's story might have a different moral.\n\nGood luck,\nhouyhnhnm
359012
I was in love with my husband since I was 15 years old.  I am now 31 and we have 2 children together.  He chose to make some choices within himself, which affected us as his family in a very negative way. He chose pain pills over his family, which took every penny he had, then turned into an evil addiction.  We have lost homes, jobs, have had the law at our home numerous times. As his wife, I wanted to help him and be there for him...after years of struggling with this addiction..and trying to help him..the girls and I are out of energy and have had our hearts broken one too many times.  He is now in prison..and we were still there for him while he is there...but it came to a point that after being in prison for 6 months...he still showed his selfishness and EXPECTED things from us.  I have now chose it is time to move on, I love him so very much, but I have no control of him or his choices anymore, and our girls and I do not deserve to struggle anymore.  It was time for divorce.  I still think about the person that I fell in love with everyday.  I pray for him.  But this love story got out of control, and had a very sad ending.
467221
You can't change people.  You can try and change yourself first.    I would try and seek counseling?  It seems to me that you are at your rites end.  You do love her but for what? Some times  the heart grows fonder, if you are away?  Maybe that your wife suffers from some sort of depression?  I am sorry to hear this.  I wish you the best.
109441
I think its awesome. I know for a fact that I've missed out on many great opportunities simply because I did not think the girl was interested in me. Or even worse, I was too worried about being rejected. My wife of 10 years persued me. I never even knew she felt like that about me. Just think, if she never made "the move" we would probably not be so happy together right now. I say go for it. It was perfectly fine back then and its more acceptable now.
616999
Oh HON,\nPlease don`t feel like that. I bet it would break her heart if she knew you felt like this. Please.. SHE loves YOU, Isn`t that enough?? She chose you. She could have chosen anybody else but, SHE CHOSE YOU. Don`t dishonor that by feeling this way. Hold your head up and be proud.. Don`t worry about other folks. \n\nDO they pay your house payment?\nDo they feed you all?\nDo they take care of you?\nAre they there when you need someone?\n\nDon`t worry about other people and what they think.. Just enjoy your life with your wife and count your blessings.. Be happy and don`t worry about this stuff..\n\nGood Luck and God Bless..{:-)\n\n<><
576923
I lost my wife, loved her with all my heart, loved her enough to understand that by trying to keep her in a relationship she did not any longer desire then any relationship we continued would only be empty and non fulfilling for us both how could she be happy if she was forced to stay on account of my feelings alone?? how could i be happy if the love i had for her would never again be reciprocated??   I walked away . I have still not recovered fully  she was my soul mate yet to hope that we could some day find happiness again I had to let her go.\n\nBy the way I did not cheat or abused her after 12 years of being together  things changed and she  had the courage to tell me she no longer was in love knowing how deeply I still loved her .
299251
I have been almost in the same predicument as you, but my husband cheated on me first after 18 years of marriage. We have two children and not only did this effect me, it also had a great impact on the children as well. I did kick him out of the house and after a couple of weeks he realized that he wanted me back and to have life back to normal. Well that does not happen over night. The trust was gone, I was insecure with my self and felt that things could never be the same again. We remained living in the same house, seperate rooms, and trying to mend what happened, then he got into a bad accident as well. The accident was so bad that after leaving the hospital after 6 weeks, I had to nurture and nurse him everyday for the next year. After a complete year of this I cheated on him. I believe that I did this to fullfill the hurt,anxiety,and the insecurity I had about my self. He found out the same way by tapping the phone of reason's of suspition and confronted me. I did tell him the truth about everything. At that time I also said to him "How does it feel to have it happen to you, now we are even". Well set aside Love does hurt, and we all can be cruel either mentally or physically. We react weird to these typs of circumstances. But happy to say it has now been 7 years after this has all happened, and our love never died, it took a great deal of time for the trust factor to regain itself. I'm not saying that the trust will fully every be regained, but as your relationship heals and your thoughts and feeling are open and honest with each other this is a start. Marriage to me now is more important than I ever realized, I want to grow old together. Everyone is differant but place value on your love and family, and take baby steps. If all else fells and things can't be reconciled then be good friends for your children and yourselves. Good Luck. Good things take time.
660886
Hi there,\nI can somewhat relate to you in a sense that I was in your shoes when my boyfriend (now my husband) was doing the same thing like your wife did.  I think, I forgave him since we're not really together (I was in another state).  Yes, I was grossed out when I heard this and the thought of 2 on 1 is disgusting.  We decided that not to associate with those kind of people, which helps me to cope.  Out of sight, out of mind.   The most important thing about this ordeal is having trust in this person again and make sure that it won't happen again.  Yes, then your can feel more secure and comfortable being with this person again.\nBest wishes,
58368
Alright....I'm a reformed liar. I can admit it because I've fixed that within me. I've seperated myself from that part of my past and I have moved on. Having said that, now we can go into why he's lying. When someone lies to the one they love, they don't do so to intentionally hurt. Even tho that's usually the outcome. He's obviously been in a situation/relationship before you where his situation didn't provide for any trust structure. So to carry on some semblance of normalcy he learned to fabricate a reality to satisfy the questioning/insecurities of another JUSt so he could function on a day to day basis. What it boils down to is this: He's never known a relationship where trust is real and all-encompassing. He could fear he doesn't deserve you. Comes from past feelings of inadequecy or lack of self-worth. You're much more then he feels he deserves. Even tho you're what he wants. It's a self-destructive attitude I had. Psychologists agree. If you don't feel you deserve something, you won't treat it well. Human nature. But I digress. He needs to UNDERSTAND that in YOU he can have true faith and trust. He can confide in you like none other. Because you are his wife. And noone will ever come between that. You need to create that safe zone so he can feel safe to come to you for things and to tell you what is on his mind. As it is now he doesn't feel you can handle things he thinks and feels. He fears you'll blow up on him or overreact or even leave him if he tells you what/how he thinks and feels. You need to show him. Not only in words but also in matching actions. Say you can handle it and then actually handle it. Help him break that reflex of fabricating what he thinks you want to hear. Trust me...he's a prisoner. I was. It cost me almost everything. But most of all....have patience. This is his self-defense/preservation reflex. I say "reflex". So he automatically does it before he thinks I'm sure. So, like an alcholic in rehab you must be his friend and help him through it. Make it through and your relationship will be stronger then you've ever seen it. Best thing is: once in that habbit of total communication and honesty, he'll become addicted to the safety of it's feeling and stick with it. Because if he's the guy I was, he hates the stress and poressure of all that guilt. Best of luck to you.