Three bored boys playing 'Dare'.  One Smarty-Pants came out with a dare for Charlie to construct a story using all numbers: 1 to 10 in exact sequence:\n1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10. \n\nNot only was Charlie able to follow the forward sequence, he also managed to reverse them from 10-1 all in the one story! This was what he came up with:\n\nFORWARD SEQUENCE 1-10:\n1 day I went 2 climb a 3 outside a house just to peep.  But a couple saw me, so I panicked and 4 down.  The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.  I ran until I fell 6 and threw up.  So I went into 7-Eleven and grabbed some 8 and chucked at him.  I took a 9 and tried to stab him.  10 God he ran away.  \n\nREVERSE SEQUENCE:\n10 I quickly put the 9 back and paid for the 8 and left 7-Eleven.  Next day, I phoned my boss and told him I was 6.  He said: 5, go - jump, tomorrow don't bother to come back 4 work. He also asked to me to climb a taller 3, and jump down.  I don't understand.  I was so nice 2 him but why he 1 me to hurt myself?
207170
1s, there were 2 people, dreamwalker and miss 3na. dreamwalker was 4ing for her but tried to 5 his feelings. he 6 for her name for 7al days. he w8ed 9 and day. 10 su10ly, he saw almost the 9est mes8es for the whole day. his longing for 7al days was answered by the words he 6. he tried to 5 down, but he can't. then he 4ed all his emotions 3ple time in2 1 story.\n\nthis is the story he wrote...
360504
Larry and Bob wanted to go out drinking, but they only had $2.00\nbetween them.\nLarry said, "Hang on, I have an idea"\nHe went next door to the butcher's shop and spent the $2.00 on one large sausage.\nBob said, "Are you crazy??? Now we don't have any money left at\nall!!"\n>Larry replied, "Don't worry - just follow me."\n>\n>They went into a pub where Larry immediately ordered two double shots of Jack Daniels.\n>Bob said, "Now you've lost it! Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money to pay for this!"\n>Larry replied, with a smile, "Don't worry - I have a plan. Cheers!"\n>They downed their drinks.\n>Larry said "OK! I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you geto on your knees and put it in your mouth."\n>Said and done, the barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.\n>\n>They continued this, bar after bar, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth bar, Bob said, "Larry - I don't think I can do this anymore. My mouth is sore and my knees are killing me!"\n>Larry said, "How do you think I feel? I lost the sausage after the\n>third pub!"
539977
I had a terrible time learning the multiplication tables.  I finally made a tape of myself singing them in a song I made up.  It helped that I made the song and funny sounds for the music while in the bathtub.  Reading the tables while singing the song would help.  \n\nMy mother still has the tape.
285081
It wasn't funny at the time, but...\n\nI practice Kendo, which is a kind of martial art. It is based an samurai sword-fighting techniques. Participants use bamboo swords and armor. My armor, though I am a small person, weighs about 10 or so pounds. Practices are tough, too, especially when DS Sensei would run one. His idea of a perfect practice is when someone passes out or pukes or both.\n\nAnyway, practice in the afternoon. I normally don't eat within four hours practice in order to make sure I don't get sick, but I had been running late and missed my pre-practice snack and I was starving. My sempai (senior student ranking above me) were on the way to the dojo and he did his usual thing of stopping at Taco Bell. Usually, I didn't get anything to eat, but I was STARVING. I mean I was so hungry my stomach hurt. So I narfed down a 7 layer burritto in a bout two seconds. Then we went right to practice.\n\nAnd DS sensei was there. I hadn't known he'd be visiting. So he takes me aside and puts me through this horrible, tough workout. And about halfway through, I am like UH OH...and I turned and bolted from the match and out the door (I actually forgot to bow out--bad manners) and I am running down the hall, trying to get my full-head armor helmet off (think similar to a fencing mask) before I am sick all inside of it. I burst into the bathroom, whip off the helmet in record time, and barf up my burritto. A couple of times!\n\nI go back to practice and DS sensei realizes what happens and totally makes fun of me. I thought that was the end of it, but nooooo...\n\nApparently DS sensei thought this was so funny, he told other people about it. LOTS of other people.\n\nSo I would go to a martial arts function and DS sensei would introduce me to other martial arts folks and they would hear my name and go "Oh, you're the one that barfed up her burritto!" This went on for almost a year!\n\nI still get teased about it, but I sure learned a lesson. And I sure DO NOT eat Taco Bell right before practice anymore.
52009
One day... a girl was sick and her boyfriend had come over to fix her up and make her feel better... so he brought some soup, brownies, and a tape with some re-runs of the OC and Laguna Beach. He makes the soup and sets everything on a table next to her and pops in the tape. \n\nShe eats the soup and watches the video. Her boyfriend says that he's gotta go to meet a friend, so he leaves and she breaks out the brownies. She finishes them right as the video tape was over... right after Laguna Beach ends, it cuts to a scene with her boyfriend getting a blowjob from her best friend and she spits his cum into the bowl of brownie mix. \n\nHe looks at the camera and says, "You've just been dumped." \n\n\nI GOT THAT AS A FWD FROM A FRIEND, THOUGHT IT WAS FUNNY SEND THAT TO HIM, MAKE HIM THINK ABOUT THOSE CHOCOLATES YOU SENT HIM, THE JERK.
195558
Was that you, you son of a b*tch.  \n\nI was sneaking over to my best friends house to get some off his wife while he was at work.  \n\nShe was rather bold when she invited me over in a whisper right in front of him and their young son to party.  I thought to myself - sh*t yeah,  all my smooth well rehearshed lines combined with those years in the gym had finally paid off.\n\nI had fantasized for years about exactly what I would do  with her and was prepared to take full advantage of the situation.  \n\nI dressed in my very best clothes that I had just picked up from the tailor and started over to her place.  \n\nAs I am crawling through some bushes (her and her husband live right behind me) rather stealthily, I hear this whirling noise so I look up.  All of a sudden, literally out of the blue,  f*cking splat!!!!!!!!!!!!\n\nA godd*m cake came crashing down all over me, my clothes, my flowers, and my 20 pack of condoms.  Everything was covered.  \n\nTo make it worse,  birds started swarming down on me like locust and apparently your f*cking cake gave them a case of the sh*its.  \n\nBy the time they had pecked all of the frosting off me, I was covered with whelps and looked like one of the gargoyles on Notre Dame cathedral, completely covered with runny bird sh*t.\n\nHaving just taken half a bottle of Viagra before I began this f*cking nightmare, nothing was going to stop me from relieving my now raging erection.  I persevered only to find out the b*tch was serious when she said come over and lets party.  \n\nIt was her 5 year olds birthday.\n\nA pretty lousy day all around - thanks for nothing you f*cker.
419578
my friends, mothers, friend:\nold guy with gray hair got into car, wearing a big black coat.\nkindly got into seat and bukled up.\nI ask what his name was and he said "Paul."\nhe would not say a last name though.\nhe said he would like to go to the edge of texas wich was okay because i was heading to california from alabama.\n3 hours into the trip we stopped at a chillies and had lunch. we where in a small town. it took him a while to get out of the car. after the meal. he kindly said to me "I do not need to go any further."\nI left him there. when i got to the car i found only a note on my seat saying "I was going to kill you, I planned to do it right before you said 'r u hungery?' but you were to nice. You are lucky you remind me of my mother. Anyone else I would have killed nyway.\n-Paul"
378564
OH MY GOSH!!\nEEEEEEEEE!!!\nITS LIKE DEE BESTEST ONE EVA!!!!\nI SIMPLY LOVED IT ......totally rocking and supreme AWESOME!!!!\nSend us more jokes like these, plz. ANYWAYS IM GIVING IT A 10/10.\nCUZ IT MADE ME FALL TO THE GROUND LAUGHING And im definately gonna share this joke with my family n' friends.\nHILARIOUS!!\nI Mean freakin’ hilarious!!\nTwo thumbs up!!
386312
Cute little 5 year old Daisy ...?\nSees a group of surly workmen turn up next door 2 build a house. She takes an interest & starts to talk to them. The builders with hearts of gold adopt her as a site mascot.\n\nAfter a week they present her with a pink hat & gloves, and even a wage packet of £5. Goodness says mummy smiling, are you working there next week ..?\n\nDaisy replies:\n\n"I think so mummy, provided the cnuts from Jewsons deliver the fcuking bricks!! "\n\n This joke brought to you by Bad B in the jokes/riddles section: hope you don't find it too offensive!!!!\n\nM  :  )
209082
AHHHHHHHHH!!!! i admit 2 jumping a lil. hahaha dis game is da shit...im gonna show it 2 all my friends and scare them silly :)
72446
ok seeing as how you liked the last one....hmmm....well you can play quarters.  Make three shots in a row and make a rule like "no sliding the quarter" or "no saying drink, drank or drunk".  You can play "three man" with some dice everytime a three is rolled the "3 man" drinks, 7 = left, 11 = right, 5&1 = social...then make up a bunch in between.  You can play the "name game" you think of a famous person then the next person has to play off him/her.  Like I say George Clooney...next person has to start with the "C" from Clooney....Chris Farley....then "F"....Fred Flintstone...then because of the double "F" it reverses.  So the guy who says Chris Farley would have to go again real quick "Farrah Faucet" then it'd reverse again.  Then that guy would get stumped and have to drink.\n\nYou can play Kings if you're feeling extra dangerous.  Take all the face cards and the aces and put em all face down around a pitcher in the middle.  hehehe.  each person pulls a card (one at a time).  Oh and add the 9s too.  9 = ryhme.  That person starts a ryhem (can't spell) then each person goes around and has to keep it up.  10s are i dunno guy on left drinks...jacks guy on right drinks....queens every one drinks....King, the first three kings pour into the pitcher...as much as they want/have.  The last King has to drink it all without stopping.  Aces person who pulled has to drink.  That outta hold you over for a bit.
31903
Play 20 question. I played 20 questions but it turned into like 50 because i kept coming up with stuff i wanted to know. I asked a question then he asked a question. its 50,50. So u guys can get to know each other more/better. Believe me it works. or at least it worked with me and its fun.
617456
Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married... \n\nThe other night I was invited out for a night with "the girls". \n\nI told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!" \n\nWell, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easy. \n\nAround 3 a.m., a bit worse for wear, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. \n\nQuickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. \n\nI was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed...3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!) \n\nThe next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, and I told him "Midnight". \n\nHe didn't seem concerned at all. Whew! Got away with that one! \n\nThen he said, "We need a new cuckoo clock." \n\nWhen I asked him why he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said, "Oh sh*t.", cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, Cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted." \n\n \nDuring a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the director what the criterion was which defined whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.  \n"Well," said the director, "We fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub." \n"Oh, I understand," said the visitor. "A normal  person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup." \n"No." said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a room with or without a view?"
30908
I have alot!!\n\nThis guy was painting a tall buliding next to a church. He droped the brush, said "son of a b***h", climbed down the ladder, got the brush, then climbed back up and continued painting. This happened a few more times and everytime he said "son of a b***h". Finally the preacher came out and said "next time you drop the brush say praise the lord". So he dropped the brush, said "praise the lord", the brush floated back up to him and the preacher said 'son of a b***h"\n\n\nWhy is halloween Micheal Jackson's favorite holiday?\nFree Delivery\n\n\nA Cowboy walking into a bar and ordered a coke. He took a drink and said "this tastes funny". So the bartender got him a new one. And he said "thats better" then the bartender said\n"Me Indian, Me play joke, Me go pee-pee in your coke"\nThen the cowboy said "Me cowboy, Me run fast, Me shoot bullet up your A$$"\n\nThis next one I heard on a stand-up comedy show...\n"Drinking and Driving is fun. But getting in a wreak isn't. I was with my friends driving and we hit something. I don't know what it was, but when I woke up I was in a tree, the car was upside down in a ditch and there was a cop there"\n\nCop-Who was driving?\nMan-It wasn't me cause that's not my parking, I park on the tires.\n\nCop-I am trying to figure out who was driving.\nMan-I'm trying to figure out how I got in this tree.\n\nCop-Have you been drinking and driving.\nMan-No, I was f***ed up before I got in the car.\n\nCop-The way you are acting I think I need to give you a drug test.'\nMan- Go ahead, ask me anything. I have been doing drugs for years.\nCop-Do you have a drug problem?\nMan-No, I have planty of weed at home.\n\n\nThis one is fun to do to your friends...lol\nPerson 1- Did you blow bubbles as a kid?\nPerson 2-Yes\nPerson 1-Well, he's back in town and wants you number.\nBoth- lol lmao
335027
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man \nopposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. \nThis time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man \nseemed more amused. \nWhen on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to \nthe driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The \njudge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. \nThe man replied, Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got \non the bus, I couldn’t help but notice her condition. She sat under a \nsweets sign that said, “The Double Mint Twins are Coming” and I grinned. \nThen she moved and sat under a sign that said, “ Logan’s Liniment will \nreduce the swelling”, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under \na deodorant sign that said, “William’s Big Stick Did the Trick”, and I \ncould hardly contain myself. BUT, your Honour, when she moved the fourth \ntime and sat under a sign that said, “Goodyear Rubber could have \nprevented this Accident”...I just lost it. \n\n \n\n“ CASE DISMISSED!!”
196015
Two young guys were picked up by the cops for smoking dope and appeared in\ncourt on Friday before the judge.\nThe judge said, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a\nsecond chance rather than jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to\nshow others the evils of drug use and get them to give up drugs forever. I'll see\nyou back in court Monday.\n\nMonday, the two guys were in court; and the judge said to the first one, "How did\nyou do over the weekend?"\n"Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 17 people to give up drugs forever."\n"17 people? That's wonderful. What did you tell them?"\n"I used a diagram, Your Honour. I drew two circles like this.....\nO o\n... and told them this (the big circle) is your brain before drugs and this\n(small circle) is your brain after drugs."\n"That's admirable," said the judge. " And you , how did you do? " - the judge\nasked the second guy.\n"Well, Your Honour, I persuaded 156 people to give up drugs forever."\n"156 people! That's amazing! How did you manage to do that ?"\n" Well, I used a similar approach (he draws two circles)....\no O\n"I said (pointing to the small circle) "this is your a--hole before prison..."
462836
Jock finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial problems. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help. "God, please help me. Ah've lost ma wee store and if Ah dinna get some money, Ah'm going to lose my hoose too. Please let me win the lottery!" \n\nLottery night! Someone else wins... Jock prays again. "God, please let me win the lottery! Ah've lost my wee store, ma hoose and Ah'm going to lose ma car as weel!" Lottery night again! Still no luck.\n\nJock prays again: "Ah've lost ma business, ma hoose and ma car. Ma bairns are starving. Ah dinna often ask Ye for help and Ah have always been a good servant to Ye. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so Ah can get back on ma feet!"\n\nSuddenly there is a blinding flash as the heavens open and the voice of God Himself thunders: "Jock at least meet Me half way and buy a f#ck!ng ticket