my husband who is deployed and living in washington state has cheated on me twice with the same witch, he admitted to it about 4 days ago, and since now he has nothing to hide he's out with her not worrying that i know, but i'm not filing for divorce why? you might ask , well i'm financially stable and i have 3 kids that need that stability, if i divorce i would have to wait to get support and it wouldn't be enough so i'm sacrificing my needs so they can have enough, even though he's cheating he gives me all of his paycheck he only takes about 100 bucks every 2 weeks which is not alot but now i know he's spendin it with her, i can't go out and do what he's doing i have morals and respect for myself plus i am a christian. i do pray alot and try to keep focused but i still feel awful, i do stuff with my kids but just the thought of his inmorality gets to my gut and to the deepest of my soul and he dosen't care i need guidance on how to make the best of it if possible what do you think?
217859
First, I will pray for you. \n\nKnowing that he is with her you will never be truly happy, unless you leave. I know it will be hard like you I have 3 kids. But I will never allow anyone to hurt me like that and to do it out in the open. You will survive as a Christian you know God will provide for you. Be strong don't take his shit, you are not a door mat so don't treat yourself as that.
664883
I spent 10 years with my first love who did NOTHING but accuse me of cheating. Even after two kids and finalizing my faithfullness with MARRIAGE (which I regreat every day of my existance) YOU dont have to do a DAMN thing to prove that you are what you are, faithfull and a proud mom. Look at how awesome you are with providing for your kids no matter what curve ball life throws your way. It took me to 6 years to stop my putting up with his claims and accusations that I finally dusted myself up one day and realized, (1)How the Hell am I going to keep on putting up with this and (2) why would I put my kids through this? They are such incredible sponges and you are their role in relationships, family and love. My last straw was relationship counseling, that brought out alot of hidden insecurities that I never knew he had as well as shed some light onto several of his accusations. He actually WAS cheating for awhile and guilt wouldnt let him life it down. After 2 months of "trying for the kids" I left. Me and the kids got our stuff together, I fought for full custody and I havent been happier in a long time. There is a sole mate out there for you and HE will FIND YOU, not that you have to force it to happen just because you had kids with the guy. That is the worst reasons. You are making it alone (emotionally, and financially) you can do it without the added pressure of his stupidity. I have all the faith and prayer in the world on your side and you can get through this. You wont be alone, You will be Happy and Stress Free With Your KIDS. They need you. How old is your youngest? How old is your oldest? Dont hesitate contacting me for questions or advice. My heart goes out to you. PrncssNiki@yahoo.com
138228
it's really suspicious that he got with her two days after your affair? sounds like something was going on before then and he was just waiting for you to mess up to set you up and make you look like the bad one for court people are vicious when there about to go to court and these two are so divorce happy it sounds like a plot to me  you were the one trying to go to therapy and do all you could for the mariage while he didn't care hmm wonder was he seeing her then probably. or are you the martyr type and you want to find a reason to blame yourself for his affair because he has always blamed you for his behavior so you now take on that role by yourself don't feel guilty honey only feel guilty you didn't get rid of him sooner those two will self destruct don't worry and if they don't you won't care you'll be to busy with  your new husband that you won't need to beg to go to marriage conseling because you'll have a good marriage by then even though you did wrong God can forgive you God probably respects you for trying to do everything to save it sounds like he never tryed he checked out before you did he'll pay for that one day while your rewarded one person can't make a marriage work so it's not your fault he wasn't willing to go to conseling or probably do anything and trust me about my prediction thats what happen to me it can happen for you the worst is behind you Godbless.
74214
Well Jess, I can really relate to your problem.  I was also in a 5 1/2 year relationship with a guy who was also in law enforcement.  He cheated on me with 22 women while we were together.  He, too, lied about EVERYTHING.  He had a lot of friends in law enforcement who were married, and they were all cheating on their wives.  I don't know what it is about that profession, but all of the ones I have known have become unfaithful to their partners.  And as for this other guy you are seeing... okay, maybe you didn't sleep with him YET, but the simple fact remains that he has a wife at home and if he is calling all of the time and telling you how much you mean to him, then he might as well be cheating!!  And you never know, law enforcement personnel are some of the most biggest manipulators in the world... he may be telling you that he doesn't want to cheat so that when it does finally happen, you won't feel so bad about it!  I understand how this man makes you feel, but your emotions are getting in the way because you are going through such a hard time with your husband.  You have to make a rational decision about this.  I think the best thing you can do is to leave your husband... he is no good for you and never will be.  Also leave the other guy alone because he will be doing the same thing before long!  I hope I have helped you and if you need someone to talk to more about your situation, please don't hesitate to contact me at nisey513@yahoo.com... Good luck!
442160
when men cheat they try and lay blame for the reason on the one who is hurt, the victim. they are just trying to get u to depressed and down and believing it was your falt so u won't lay blame where it really belongs. i would divorce him, and get some alimony out of it. he is not done with this woman yet, he doesn't want to divorce u because he might have to give u too much financially, or split the assetts fairly.
361737
Oh course you have to wait. He's getting divorce and doens't matter how bad things were in his marriage, getting divorce is never easy. Let him feel free again. Let him enjoy himself. Give him time. I don't think he's ready for another relationship
128512
Those of you that have said no to this, but have commented on why people cheat, and judge those that do, have really got no right to judge/comment unless they have been there and done that themselves or have been on the receiving end. As for me, yes I have cheated. Nearly 5 years into my marriage, we started having alot of problems. We weren't spending quality time together or communicating and there was no sex. When I tried talking to him on a deep and meaningful level, I got no input from him. I told him repeatedly that I was unhappy in our marriage and even to the point where I asked him if he would come to marriage counselling with me. He refused! I spent more and more time on the internet chatting to my friends until I got talking to a guy from Germany. Eventually, I was telling him about my marriage problems and how unhappy I was. From what started out as a friendship on the net and someone to talk to once or twice a week, ended up developing into something more and talking every day. It got to the stage where I hardly spent any time with my husband at all and he knew I was chatting on the internet. This guy from Germany told me he had developed feelings for me and was flying down to Melbourne to meet me. I kept it quiet from my husband and told him I was going away for a couple of weeks and that we needed the break. I picked this guy up from the airport and we drove interstate together and holidayed for two weeks. Yes, we had the most wonderful time together and when it was time for him to leave, he wanted to come back to Australia again and visit me. I felt so guiltly for cheating on my husband that when I returned home, I told my husband and also told him it was over between us and I moved out of the house. The guy from Germany and myself continued on with our relationship for about a year. The second time he came here, he spent a month with me in Melbourne where I was living at the time. Sadly though it didn't work out because long distance relationships are just too hard to maintain and there was no future for us because I found out in the end that he had no plans to marry and live in Australia. Some people think that people who cheat on their partners are scum, well most often than not, the people that are the cheaters, suffer as well. I'm not condoning cheating and I'm sorry for what I did but I not only lost my house (I left it to my husband)and security, but I nearly lost my family as well because they didn't agree with what I had done and my brother-in-law disowned me for awhile. If I could take back what I did, I would, but as the saying goes, what's done is done and my advice is to anyone that is thinking of cheating on their partners, don't! He'll end up finding out and if he doesn't, you'll have to live with the guilt for the rest of your life (if you have a conscious). For 2 to 3 years after I left my husband, I was an emotional mess. I cried constantly for the hurt that I brought upon my husband and also my family. If your marriage is in turmoil, communication is the key to a long and lasting marriage, so try and talk things through, seek a marriage counsellor if you have to and if all else fails, tell your partner you are leaving before you do something you will regret later! Life wasn't meant to be easy and you have to constantly put the time and effort in to make a relationship work! I learnt the hard way.....
244760
I am so sorry about your PPD.  It's rough.  Do not, for one instant, allow yourself to think that you are at fault.  When something happens to one of you, it happens to both.  You are supposed to be "ONE".  He abandoned you in your time of need - he should have backed you up and been there.  He wasn't.  He went for the easy out and that's not what you deserve.  I don't want to get all religious on you, but here goes:  A man is supposed to treat his bride (his wife) like Christ treats His church.  Do you feel that you were given that?  Is he true to his vows or is he just out for himself?  I would suggest that you get therapy - either with or without him.  Preferably with.  But I know that it's not also possible with finances and insurance these days.  But sometimes you can find someone to help you sort it all out that won't cost an arm and a leg. \n\nJust think about this:  Your son/daughter will see how you are treated.  They will probably (not always) go on to treat their spouse the same way.  Do you want to continue this cycle or break it?  Do you want better for your child?\n\nI am so sorry that you had to go through PPD and had to do it alone - because face it...you were deserted.  \n\nAn affair is an affair is an affair- whether emotional or physical.  The time and consideration he gave this other woman should have gone to you in your time of need.
115737
Well ive never been threw it but ill be more then happy to give you my 2 cents with out calling you a slut, i think part of it is your husbands fault for not making sure you have what you need, now i know alot of people are going to scream for me saying that but its the truth, in a marriage part of our job is doing everything possible to make sure our partner is getting everything we need from them emotionally or sexually. Thats just the way it works for a healthy marriage, The only bit of advice i could give you not being actually in that situation is to eather pick on or the other, i can see you feeling even more torn when your feelings for this other guy are fostered even more and you cant act on it, not to mention the emotional and sexual frustrations that can easily bring. I can understand why you turned to this other man for support you wernt getting at home. But i can only see you hurting yourself in the long run if you dont cut ties with one of them. That is unless you totally dont love your husband anymore and your just in it for everything youve envested on a tangable level that you dont want to lose. But honestly do you think if you bumped this relationship up with this other guy you would be able to continue this double life, i hate to label it that way but thats the only thing i can think of to call it right off the top of my head, but i think you understand where im coming from. You need to set a game plan in your head on where you want to go in life if things with this other guy keep developing, what happens if this guy says ok ill chuck my marriage will you chuck yours? what if he talks about you guys meeting and making a full flaired affair? What if your husband finds out about whats going on how will you respond? How will your husband? Im not saying i know what you should do or what you need to do, but if i were you i would get a clear picture of what i wanted from your husband or from this other guy. Do you think there would be a possiblity you would be more happy in your marriage if your husband started to work with you on your problems with the marriage? Do you think there is any hope for you marriage now? Do you think your husband is doing the same thing you are on some sort of level? IF he was how do you feel about it? I think you need to ask yourself these kinds of questions and in deep deep detail figure out what you want to do, i dont think anyone in here can really answer those kinds of questions and give you any much more of a clear picture then you seriously thinking about this i wish you all of luck and i really hope you get something figured out on this *HUGS*
365846
This is a classic example of what porn can do to a marriage and people. Everyone thinks it is so harmless and even suggests that they see nothing wrong with sharing it with their mate as it is not really cheating. I think they are wrong because people do get addicted to it, and marriages have been ruined because of it. If you and your husband are not religious, this may be a time to find a church to go to. I know I will get thumbs down suggesting it, but you both must have morals or you wouldn`t be caring about what this has done to your marriage and would go and file for divorce. If you do not want to go to church, as least pray together so that you can heal and find forgiveness. Do you workbooks, and do not give up on one another. If he has cried and admitted to you he did something wrong, I honestly think he is sorry to have hurt you so deeply. Please forgive him, as this will set you free of the pain that it is causing you, and it will encourge him to be a better husband to you. Good luck, and God bless you both.
107808
This guy is full of it.  If he wanted to leave his wife, he would have already done it.  It sounds more like they are in an open relationship and just aren't telling anyone.  Plus why would you want to be with someone who was so needy that they have to find someone before they are willing to leave someone else.  Come on, if a person is that scared to be alone, they have some serious problems that you don't want to have to deal with.
610211
Seems to me he is a cheater who will hurt you again.  The only way to prevent it (other than dumping/divorcing him) is for him to seek professional help - and maybe you should go with him, not cuz you did anything wrong, but to support him and have it be a "together" thing.\n\nIf he doesn't want to work with you to overcome this situation and build a solid future with you, then your marriage will continue to get worse till you decide you've had enough - if he doesn't decide it first.  Marriage takes hard work and commitment, more so when you have children, so I hope you 2 work it out.  If not, learn from it, accept your sad fate, and face the future as a single mom with confidence and self-respect.
222099
Robyn,\n\nI'm sorry for your situation and I'm sure all of this is taking a heavy toll on you, physically and mentally. It's often very difficult to find acceptable reason in these cases wherein we can find some justification for what we know we need to do. I've experienced that myself so I can appreciate that you continue to feel the love you do for him and grasp for hope in saving your marriage.\n\nHowever, as difficult as this may be to accept, my suggestion is that your first priority needs to be to yourself and the children. The fact that you feel the choice was his to make regarding the direct deposit of funds to your account, it also remains a fact that you're entitled to his continued contribution to the support of the family. Regardless of the fact that he's not sure he wants to return to the relationship, morally and legally he has obligations to uphold. \n\nSo, my opinion is, that you should insist on this support from him while agreeing to his need for space in order to evaluate his feelings about the marriage. This will accomplish a number of things actually. First, it will relieve some stress of the situation in that you will have financial help during this process. Secondly, by agreeing to his wishes to not return and have the space he needs right now you are going the distance in attempting to reconcile. Third, its just possible that having to bear the additional burdens of financial support while also now having to provide his own domicile, could just send the wake up message that will help him realize the consequences of his actions before its too late.\n\nI wish you the best of luck!
299251
I have been almost in the same predicument as you, but my husband cheated on me first after 18 years of marriage. We have two children and not only did this effect me, it also had a great impact on the children as well. I did kick him out of the house and after a couple of weeks he realized that he wanted me back and to have life back to normal. Well that does not happen over night. The trust was gone, I was insecure with my self and felt that things could never be the same again. We remained living in the same house, seperate rooms, and trying to mend what happened, then he got into a bad accident as well. The accident was so bad that after leaving the hospital after 6 weeks, I had to nurture and nurse him everyday for the next year. After a complete year of this I cheated on him. I believe that I did this to fullfill the hurt,anxiety,and the insecurity I had about my self. He found out the same way by tapping the phone of reason's of suspition and confronted me. I did tell him the truth about everything. At that time I also said to him "How does it feel to have it happen to you, now we are even". Well set aside Love does hurt, and we all can be cruel either mentally or physically. We react weird to these typs of circumstances. But happy to say it has now been 7 years after this has all happened, and our love never died, it took a great deal of time for the trust factor to regain itself. I'm not saying that the trust will fully every be regained, but as your relationship heals and your thoughts and feeling are open and honest with each other this is a start. Marriage to me now is more important than I ever realized, I want to grow old together. Everyone is differant but place value on your love and family, and take baby steps. If all else fells and things can't be reconciled then be good friends for your children and yourselves. Good Luck. Good things take time.
605667
First of all, I'm very sorry about your husband. Maybe this response will cheer you up.\n\nDivorce for men is horrible! It's a lot of work and you are expected to give up half your income! YIKES! That's why you hear about missing wives. "I don't know where my wife is, officer. Please don't check the trunk of my car!" And then there's all kinds of meetings, lawyers, paperwork, arguments, blame, stressful decisions about property and kids. It's just a big mess leaving you to ask yourself why the heck did you get married in the first place?\n\nAs for death, well, sadly, whenever someone does, you feel terrible. It's a horrible experience, especially if its a happy marriage. It's like a big part of your life and your heart is gone. It's a pain beyond pain. But in all seriousness, a healthy person can recover from this situation and continue to live a happy life. Life goes on after death, and the departed spouse probably leaves you with a good chunk of change to look after you when they're gone. \n\nIn conclusion, although the emotional pain is far greater with a death, the stress and frustration that can come with a divorce, especially a rotten one, will have you wishing your former partner would have just died! In other words, I'm with your sister. God, I probably sound extremely insensitive!
116779
She is feeling betrayed. It hurt her so bad that everytime she looks at you she wants to scream. And probably throttle you. You are not an idiot though. Everyone makes mistakes. You probably didn't have the intentions of cheating at the time. I really suggest you move out for a little while. Don't jump into divorce. You can't undo the financial and emotional ruin it causes. So separate for a little while and see how that goes. I think it will give you time to think before jumping into that. Perhaps counseling didn't work because you would just come home and continue the fight. Maybe if you move out and try to go to counseling it will be more productive. Do some sweet things between now and then and let her see how sorry you really are. Although you shouldn't stay for the kids, I should warn you how painful divorce will be for your 16 year old. I am a child of divorce and it caused me alot of pain and still does. Try a seperation because your marriage can be worth saving.
260661
Holy crap you sound EXACTLY like me. Keep doing what you're doing. Sorry to all the wives out there, but you have no obligation to anyone except yourself. He's the married one, so he has to take responsibility for his actions if she finds out. Enjoy yourself. Life's short.