I WAS SUPPOSED TO HOLD A LARGE AMERICAN COCKROACH IN ONE HAND ,PLACE IT DORSALLY ON THE OTHER PALM AND LOOK AT IT ..........I DROPPED IT 10 TIMES & EACH TIME MY PROF. ASKED ME LIFT IT AGAIN ...........IWAS CRYING & I DON'T USUALLY ,INSTEAD MAKE OTHERS CRY........WAS A NIGHTMARE\n\nthe price of being a science student..........anyways wht's yours?????????\n\nthe most hilarious will get 10 points
205035
I AM PERFECT I DONT HAVE "REDICULOUS EXPERIENCES"
660209
I was cleaning my dogs kennel this morning and my dog decided to pee on my leg.   It wasn't funny then and I'm not sure if it is funny now.  \nAnyone want to buy a couple of Huskeys.
455427
That was thee FUNNIEST JOKE I have seen in a very long time!And like BatFink.......I too found myself singing along!  If you would have had this in my "10 points for funniest joke" question,  you would have gotten it.......Hands down! LOL
597926
You are such a lying stinking blowfly you made up this whole story just to make fun of the Jesus mooks here and see what kind of mush they would write. It is pretty funny though. If they would believe that from an insect like you I wonder what a swine like me could get away with. Maybe I'll auction the true cross on Ebay.
131150
How about pretty much all of the bones in my right hand?   \n\nYears ago I was changing a flat tire on my International Truck out in the parking lot where I worked.  A buncha guys were talking to me as I was doing it.  When I was putting the new tire on, my right hand was on the top of the tire, right below the wheel well...and then the jack slipped and the truck came down crushing my hand between the tire and the truck.\n\nI don't think I've ever cursed as much in my whole life, and thank god those guys were there because they were able to lift the truck up enough to get my hand out and take me to the hospital.
126275
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. \n\nThe professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."\n\nThe professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.\n\n"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.\n\nThe pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.\n\n"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."\n\nOne of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
7382
A guy took his blonde girl friend to her first football game. They had \ngreat seats right behind their team's bench... After the game, he asked \nher how she liked the experience. \n \n"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and \nall the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents." \n \nDumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?" \n \n"Well, I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest \nof the game, all they kept screaming was: Get the quarterback! Get the \nquarterback!' Hel-LLLO! It's only 25 cents!"
193661
Ahhh. I have written so much today, my hands are tired. alas, I come to a question i have so much to say about, but don't feel like typing it all out :) Yes, I'm a citizen and damn proud of it. last semester(i'm in college) I worked in the dishroom and served dinner in our school's cafeteria-style dining hall. Dishroom wasn't great, was very hot, humid, and the floor was very slippery. didn't smell too pleasant, and scraping baked-on cheese off of large pans was no fun, either. But to be honest, the job was made fun by my co-workers who similarly didn't care for the job but we made it fun together, ya know? two summers ago, I worked for the State DOT scraping road kill off the side of the road. now tell me THAT is a disgusting job. that job too was made fun by co-workers. I would say working for a hotel cleaning rooms or mopping lobby floors is at least a little more sanitary and enjoyable than shoveling roadkill carcasses, don't you? so if those are the kinds of jobs Americans won't do, am I a sac of potatoes? or worse-- an illegal Maria Chiquita? Thanks a BUNCH for bringing up the anchor baby part of the 14th Amendment, I made an argument the other day and reffered to that. right on. I like your posts and comments so far, I'm glad there are other Americans out there who are fed up with this problem like I am. It hits college students HARD if you're like me. last summer I tried applying to a Jack in the Box part time, guess what? no spots available. the guy at the register spoke no more English than my neighbors' 3 year old. I was pissed that they'd hire someone for customer service (hey come on, cashier is customer service) who spoke that little English, but whatever, it's fast food. hehe
12916
Don't laugh ok?  Really, don't even think about laughing!  I am not funny...I have not jokes, don't laugh---ok- heres a little one but dont laugh!\n\nA guy is driving around and he sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador retriever sitting there.\n \n"You talk?" he asks.\n \n"Yep," the Lab replies.\n \n"So, what's your story?"\n \nThe Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I pretty young and I wanted to help the government,\nso I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with\nspies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping I was one of their most valuable spies for\neight years running.\n \n"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I wanted to settle down. I signed\nup for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening\nin.\n \nI uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm\njust retired."\n \nThe guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.\n \n"Ten dollars." The guy says,\n \n"This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"\n \n"Because he's a liar. He didn't do any of that!"
172087
This one time, in band camp, I sat down and launched the world's most perfect sea pickle.  It was aerodynamically awesome, created effortlessly.  I had it stuffed and mounted.  It's on the wall above me, smiling down on me as I tappy tap the keyboard.  Lordy.  \n\nRemembering that day... chokes me up... brings a tear of joy to my eye. Sigh.
651100
We were out "camping" in a trailer... My cousin and I spent the whole day fixing it up and making it look nice for the next day when the family would arrive.. Late that night we were fixing something underneath the "sink" and we heard a rustling.. so we were looking around all the cabinets to see what it was.. I opened up the fridge and this HUGE flying squirrell came rushing out and it smacked into my cousin and got caught in the curtains...   it took us 4 hours to get the poor 'lil guy back outside... Then he kept trying to get back in, finally he got the idea and ran off to wherever.
262086
Llllllllllllolllllll....hysterical!!!!!!!  The best!  Wish i could contribute...im gonna check back and see what others have to say.  Thanks for the entertaining question!
363603
liked that one, more please!\n\n\nThere was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem. \n\nThe jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you". \n\nSo later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis" \n\nUnfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"
316970
This one didn't happen to me, but rather to my brother, but it was so funny that I'll have to use it as my favorite all time bathroom blunder:\n\nOne day when I was a lot younger (I was in high school and my brother in jr. high school) I was watching TV in my room and my brother went into the batchroom to take a shower. He went in, about ten minutes passed by and no sound was heard at all coming from the bathroom, until I just heard "Thump!", then my brother saying "C r a p !", then the toilet being flushed and finally my brother saying "Oh c r a p !!!" once again \nand coming out of the bathroom looking somewhere between completely confused, frustrated and pissed. \n\nWhen he came out, my mother was coming into my room and my brother told us both what happened. He went to the bathroom to take a dump. Finished, and saw a mosquito flying near the ceiling. Without closing the toilet lid, he stood on top of the toilet and started trying to swat the mosquito. While doing so, he looked down to make sure his foot wouldn't go into the toilet (remember, the genius hadn't flushed up to this point :-) and when looking down, his glasses slid of his face and fell inside the still not flushed toilet. Not knowing what to do, he was going to try to take the glasses out of the toilet, and when trying to bend down to reach for them, he slid and his hand actually accidentaly flushed the glasses (along with everything else in the toilet) down the drain.\n\nWhen he came out and told us what had happened, I had a seeeeriously hard time trying not to laugh, and it was made even harder when I saw that my mom, upon hearing the whole story got seeeriously furious and started telling my brother just how much of an idiot he was ...then I just couldn't hold myself and you had, my brother with a scared little mouse face, my mother with the most furious face you'd ever seen her with and me rooling in the floor laughing uncontrolably ...Sigh !!!! The memories :-)
385587
Bugs Life.  I used to major in Entomology so there are tons of things wrong with it, but it's a laugh.
461740
definate thunbs up from me.\n\nI really enjoyed that one. It made me laugh as i am having a really really bad day at work!!!!!!\n(I needed that)
132690
You know that funny. . . A cockroach wrote in just the other day asking why you exist.  Got absolutely no answers