Q: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a grocerybag?\nA: One is made of plastic and is dangerous for kids to play with...the other is used to carry groceries.\n\nQ: Why did the condom cross the road?\nA: Because it was pi**ed off.\n\nQ: How do you embarrass an archaeologist?\nA: Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.\n\nQ: What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?\nA: Wiped his a**.\n\nQ: What's the difference between or al sex and an al sex?\nA: Or al sex makes your day, an al sex makes your hole weak.\n\nTell me what you think of these and some of your own.
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Q) What do women and cyclones have in common?\n\nA) they both howl when they come an take you house when they leave\n------------------------------\nQ) why is 77 better than 69?\n\nA) because you get eight (ate) more\n\n------------------------------\nQ) What is the difference between a condom and a coffin?\n\nA) you come in one and go in the other\n\n------------------------------\nQ) How did the blonde die raking leaves?\n\nA) She fell out of the tree!\n\n------------------------------\nA guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only shorts made from Gladwrap. \n\nThe psychiatrist says, ''Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.''\n------------------------------\nQ. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra? \n\nA. Because when you take it off, you wonder where her t*ts went!\n------------------------------\nQ: Why did the blonde get pulled over by the police? \n\nA: Her headlights weren't working, so she was flashing people\n------------------------------\nWhat do condoms and women have in common? \nBoth spend more time in a guy's wallet than on his ****.\n------------------------------\n\nhope you like these \n\n\n\nmy appolagies if i have offended anyone :(
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1.What is your favorite computer brand? DELL\n\n1.What is your favorite B name? BEETHOVEN\n\n1.How many kids do you have? 2\n\n(if you answer any 1-2 questions please answer both)\n\n1.Whis is your shoe size? 10\n\n2.How tall are you? 5'10"\n\n1. How many tv's are in your house? 3\n\n2. how many rooms are in your house? 7\n\n1. How many kids do you want? 5\n\n2. how many pets do you want? 6
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1)Theres a blonde and a brunette walking in the park. The brunette says to the blonde "look, a dead bird". The blonde looks up into the air and says "where?"\n\n2)Theres this blonde woman driving her car down the road and all of a sudden starts swerving. A police car behind her notices this and pulls her over. The blonde says "thank god your here officer, these trees keep appearing in the middle of the road and i have to swerve to avoid them." The officer replies "thats your air-freshener."\n\n3)Why shouldnt you let a blonde use your computer? You'll end up with tipex all over the screen. (cos shes usin the word processor, inevitably makes a mistake and tries to tipex it out) [do americans have tipex?]
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How do you confuse an Archeologist?\n\nHand them an old  bloody tampon and ask them how old it is
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This one is on the front page at eBaumsWorld.com: \nMike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown." Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK??" In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around!'"
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A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding\nthe plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.\nEager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"\n\nShe turned, smiled, and said, "Business. The annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago."\nHe swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!\n\nStruggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she responded. "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really," he said. "What myths are those?" "Well," she explained. "One popular myth is that African American men are the most well endowed, when in fact, it's the Native American Indian who\nis most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men\nof Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck."\n\nSuddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry", she said. "I shouldn't really be discussing this\nwith you. I don't even know your name." "Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Goldstein, but my friends call me Bubba."
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what do you call a hooker with her hand up her own skirt??         self employed\nwhat do a gynacoligist and a pizza delivery guy have incommon?\n they can both smell the pie and niether can eat it!\n\n(Im no racist either)   what do you call a barn full of old black men?\nantique farm equipment??\n\ni tried
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The liquid inside young coconuts can be used as a substitute for blood plasma.\n\nNo piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.\n\nDonkeys kill more people annually than plane crashes.\n\nYou burn more calories sleeping than you do watching television.\n\nOak trees do not produce acorns until they are fifty (50) years of age or older.\n\nThe first product to have a bar code was Wrigley's gum.\n\nThe king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.\n\nAmerican Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one (1) olive from each salad served in first-class.\n\nVenus is the only planet that rotates clockwise. (Since Venus is normally associated with women, what does this tell\nyou!)\n\nApples, not caffeine, are more efficient at waking you up in the morning.\n\nMost dust particles in your house are made from dead skin.\n\nThe first owner of the Marlboro Company died of lung cancer. \n\nSo did the first "Marlboro Man."\n\nWalt Disney was afraid of mice.\n\nPearls melt in vinegar.\n\nThe four most valuable brand names on earth:\nWiston, Flogers, Sprite, and Hersheys, in that order.\n\nIt is possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.\n\nA duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.\n\nDentists have recommended that a toothbrush be kept at least six (6) feet away from a toilet to avoid airborne particles resulting from the flush. (I keep my toothbrush in the living room now!)\n\nRichard Millhouse Nixon was the first U.S. president whose name contains all the letters from the word "criminal."\n\nThe second ? William Jefferson Clinton\n(Please don't tell me you're SURPRISED!?!!)\n\nTurtles can breathe through their butts.
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Godd... you stink!\nQ: what language do dogs speak\nA: Barkenese\n\nA blond driver is driving and a blonde cop pulls her over, the cop asks "can i see your license"\nthe driver asks "what does a license look like?"\nCop says: "it's square and has your picture on it." then the driver pulls out a square compact mirror and hands it to the cop.\nCop: "Well, if i knew you were a cop, i wouldn't have pulled you over!"\n\nQ.Have you ever seen the movie Constipated?\nA.It never came out.
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One day a teacher had a taste test with her students. \nShe picked a little boy to do the first test. \nShe blindfolded him, put a Hershey kiss in his mouth and asked, "Do you know what it is?" \n"No, I don't," said the little boy. \n"Okay, I'll give you a clue. It's the thing your daddy wants from your Mom before he goes to work." \nSuddenly, a little girl at the back of the room yelled, "Spit it out! It's a piece of   a s s !"
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a europian man comes to america without knowing how to speak english but has good memory. he goes to new york. first he goes to a videogame shop. he hears "itsa me, mario". then he goes to a resturaunt and hears "forks and knives, mister". next he visits a plumber's shop. he hears "because he didn't flush". finally he visits a candy store and hears "goody-goody gumdrops". he then goes out on the sidewalk and finds a dead man. a policeman came up to him and said,\n"who killed this man?"\nof course, he only knew what he heard so he could only reply,"itsa me, mario"\n"what did you kill him with?"\n"forks and knives, mister"\n"why did you kill him?"\n"because he didn't flush"\n"sir, you're going to jail"\n"goody-goody gumdrops"
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1. the next man through the door is the murderer\n2. she is really a brunette\n3. the book was better\n4. why did they remake this\n5. get your arm off my shoulder\n6. I hate popcorn\n7. why is it so dark?\n8. I prefer to watch it on DVD\n9. I am missing East Enders for this?\n10. no, I do not want to snog\n\n1. is she pregnant?\n2. why is she wearing white?\n3. it will never last\n4. what does she see in him?\n5. I hate the smell of flowers\n6. can I have a beer instead?\n7. how many more pints before I have to start paying?\n8. if you get divorced can I have my gift back?\n9. she put it about a bit before she settled on this one\n10. I hear her dad owns a brewery\n\n\n1. what did he die of?\n2. Doesn't he look well\n3. what are you doing later?\n4. you look good in black\n5. why the long face\n6. all the smoke makes me want a roll-up\n7. I wonder who will be next?\n8. can I have the coffee table?\n9. what was he worth\n10. do you plan on getting married again?
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The Helpful Wife\n\n\nA male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:\nMan: What's the problem officer?\nCop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.\nMan: No sir, I was going 65.\nWife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.\n(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)\nCop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.\nMan: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!\nWife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.\n(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)\nCop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.\nMan: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.\nWife: Oh  Harry, you never wear your seat belt.\nMan: Shut your mouth, woman!\nCop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?\nWife: No, only when he's drunk.\n\n\nHere's another\n\n\nDeputy Gomer\n\nThe local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.\n"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"\n"11" he replied.\nThe sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."\n"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"\n"Today and tomorrow."\nHe was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.\n"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"\nGomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."\n"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"\nSo, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.\n"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
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liked that one, more please!\n\n\nThere was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem. \n\nThe jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you". \n\nSo later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis" \n\nUnfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"
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This one is REALLY DIRTY, so don't read unless you're OVER 18 please. It is worth the disgustingness at the end.\n\nVoodoo Penis\nThere was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her doing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. \n\nHe was browsing through the dilldos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dilldos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.\n\n"Except what?" the man asked.\n\n"Nothing, nothing."\n\n"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"\n\n"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo penis.'"\n\n"So what's up with this voodoo penis?" he asked.\n\nThe old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dilldo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big freakin deal. It looks like every other dilldo in this shop!"\n\nThe old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo penis, the door." The voodoo penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo penis, get back in your box!" The voodoo penis stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.\n\n"I'll take it!" said the businessman.\n\nThe old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dilldo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo penis, my vagina." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.\n\nAfter he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo penis. She got it out, and said "Voodoo penis, my vagina!" The voodoo penis shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.\n\nGasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo penis was stuck in her vagina, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo penis, my a$$!"
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Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.\n\nInstead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."\n\nWilling to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.\n\n"How long will this take?" she asks.\n\n"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.\n\nThe wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"\n\n"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"\n\nHe lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again..\n\n\nMan driving down road.\nWoman driving up same road\nThey pass each other\nWoman yells out her window, "PIG!"\nMan yells out his window, "B.I.T.C.H!"\nMan rounds next curve\nCrashes into a huge pig in middle of road.\n\nThought For The Day : If only men would listen. \n\nHEHE>>HAVE FUN 2 YA GUYZ READING
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*what do you call a four-hundred pound woman with a yeast infection?????            a whopper with cheese\n\n*what did one gay sperm say to the other?  \nhow we gonna find anything with all this shit around here?