The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, "Hello".\n \n"Mrs. Ward, please."\n \n"Speaking."\n \n"Mrs. Ward, this is Doctor Jones at the Medical Testing Laboratory. When\nyour doctor sent your husband's biopsy to the lab yesterday, a biopsy from\nanother Mr. Ward arrived as well, and we are now uncertain which one is\nyour husband's. Frankly the results are either bad or terrible."\n \n"What do you mean?" Mrs. Ward asks nervously.\n \n"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimers and the other\none tested positive for AIDS. We can't tell which is your husband's."\n \n"That's dreadful! Can't you do the test again ?" questioned Mrs. Ward.\n \n"Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one\ntime."\n \n"Well, what am I supposed to do now ?"\n \n"The people at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere\nin the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him."
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Probably only funny for the people aware of the Medicare situation.. but yup, I agree it definitely is the way Medicare seems like these days. Tough job.
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Bosses Wife\n\nHung Chow calls in to work and says, "Hey, boss I not come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt. I not come work." \n\nThe boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. Makes everything better and I can go to work. You try." \n\nTwo hours later Hung Chow calls again: "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
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Okay, this one time, my mom, my sister and I were on a road trip. I realized I had forgotten my toothbrush and so we stopped at a Wal*Mart to get some. So we're walking along the aisles, picking up some marshmallows and stuff while we're at it, and this old woman keeps staring at my mom! We're getting kind of creeped out by it, and when we line up to pay, she cuts in right in front of us and keeps staring. Eventually she says to my mom, "I'm so sorry, it's just I very recently lost my daughter to cancer... you look SO much like her, and it's very moving to me." My mom, my sis, and I were all very touched and we accepted her apology. She told us all about her daughter--she was a sweet woman that was valedictorian, missionary, artist and entrepreneur.... and that she still hadn't gotten over her daughter's death. The woman goes ahead and has her items checked and she says to my mom, "If you could, could you help me with some closure? When I walk out this door, will you say 'goodbye mom', just so it feels like saying bye to her as she goes to heaven?" My mom agreed. So, when the old lady is leaving, she turns around and says, "Good-bye Jenny!" and my mom says, "Good-bye mom!" and waves. We ring up our stuff and the cashier says, "That'll be $76.89." We say, "What? it's only toothpaste, marshmallows, chocolate and graham crackers!" The cashier says, "No, the woman said her daughter would pick up her check. You paid for all her groceries." You better believe my mom was furious! She dashes through the front doors. The old woman is almost finished packing the groceries into her car. The woman sees my mom and hurries to finish. My mom runs full speed to the old woman! She is so mad her face is purple. Mom catches up with the old woman just as she's getting into her car and grabs her leg to get her out of the car. She pulling and pulling her leg... just like I'm pulling yours now.
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1) Another person in your family will be next (implies killed)\n2) If I tell you who shot your Father will you meet me?\n3) If you won't, i will meet you anywhere, your husband and I are always in the same bus\n4) So, I will see you tonight at Maza, i like this, just like you do; i saw you there last night\n5)Maybe it's only your husband who doesn't know about your secret. Does he know about it?\n6) So, just leave your spouse, anyway you are just fooling him\n7) leave your husband and find a new one, where is he from?\n8) Last night i saw you, you went somewhere, i really wanted to let you know....\n9) I want you not to cancel\n10) Have you forgotten me, where do you think we can meet now?\n11) hello, how are you codlen, this is pooter your ex\n12) send me a text if you are going to the public market, i will give you a ride on my tricyle so that you will know me\n13) if you want to see me, then right there in Motor Trade, what time do you want?\n14) I will wait for you at the corner\n15) Hello how are you. if you won't, it is up to you but you will not know what i know.\n\nI hope this helps - it certainly is rather alarming.....
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liked them lol\n hows this one;\nBlonde sets herself on fire with her ghd's, she calls the fire brigade, \n"help! help!, I've set my house on fire"\n"All-right dear, try to stay calm, what's ur address?"\n"I'm not wearing a dress I'm in my bath robe?"\n"You've misunderstood me dear, where do you live?"\n"I told u already, in a house and it's burning, can u stop with the chit chat and send someone quick"\n"Ok sweetheart, for the last time, how do we get there?"\n"DUH, HELLOOO, in the big red shiny thing!!!!!!!!"
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A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said, "Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?"\n\nGrandma replied, "Honey, my TV is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all! day long. The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh. I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend."\n\nGrandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus. Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.\n\nThe little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door,and there stood Grandma's minister. The minister said, "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"\n\nThe little boy replied, "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend."\n\nThe minister fainted...
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A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to \nthe\npharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said,"I would like to buy\nsome cyanide."\nThe pharmacist asked, " Why in the world do you need cyanide?"\n\nThe lady replied "I need it to poison my husband."\n\nThe pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed,"Lord have mercy! I can't\ngive you cyanide to kill your husband!\nThat's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us \nin\njail!\nAll kinds of BAD things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any\ncyanide!"\n\nThe lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband \nin\nbed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and\nreplied,"Well now, That's different. You didn't tell me you had a\nprescription"
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A man met a beautiful woman and he decided he wanted to marry her \nright away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." \n\nHe said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." .....\n\nWhoops.\n\n\n\nOk, here is my real joke, the only other one I can remember in my flu delirium.\n\n...as told to me by my best friend when she was eight and I was ten...\n\nIf you are on the potty and you are not American, what are you?\n\nyou're-a-peein'.....
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COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT\n\nABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?\n\nCOSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.\n\nABBOTT: Mac?\n\nCOSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.\n\nABBOTT: Your computer?\n\nCOSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.\n\nABBOTT: Mac?\n\nCOSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.\n\nABBOTT: What about Windows?\n\nCOSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?\n\nABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?\n\nCOSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?\n\nABBOTT: Wallpaper.\n\nCOSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.\n\nABBOTT: Software for Windows?\n\nCOSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?\n\nABBOTT: Office.\n\nCOSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?\n\nABBOTT: I just did.\n\nCOSTELLO: You just did what?\n\nABBOTT: Recommend something.\n\nCOSTELLO: You recommended something?\n\nABBOTT: Yes.\n\nCOSTELLO: For my office?\n\nABBOTT: Yes.\n\nCOSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?\n\nABBOTT: Office.\n\nCOSTELLO: Yes, for my office!\n\nABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.\n\nCOSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?\n\nABBOTT: Word.\n\nCOSTELLO: What word?\n\nABBOTT: Word in Office.\n\nCOSTELLO: The only word in office is office.\n\nABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.\n\nCOSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?\n\nABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".\n\nCOSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?\n\nABBOTT: Money.\n\nCOSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?\n\nABBOTT: Money.\n\nCOSTELLO: I need money to track my money?\n\nABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.\n\nCOSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?\n\nABBOTT: Money.\n\nCOSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?\n\nABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.\n\nCOSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?\n\nABBOTT: One copy.\n\nCOSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?\n\nABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.\n\nCOSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?\n\nABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!\n\n(A few days later)\n\nABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?\n\nCOSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?\n\nABBOTT: Click on "START".............
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How about: I was feeding my dog Hooch when my bra stap (on the left-hand side) got caught on the edge of his dog collar (on the right hand side) and whoops! Whoa there! We were suddenly hooked together.\n\nI reached over my right shoulder to try and unhook us when the telephone, which my dog always runs to answer, rang.\n\nIn running towards the ringing sound he ripped my strap and my other bras being in the wash, I decided there and then on the spot to do an impromtu laundering.\n\nWhile the water was running into the laundry machine, the hose connected to the hot-water tap, jerked lose. Hooch had still been attached to the bra when I threw it in the machine and in tugging to get free,  he pulled the washer off it's base and yanked the hot-water connecting hose from its moorings!\n\nThe water flooded my basement, and my soggy-shirted basement tenant, surged out of it and roared, "That's it! That's the last straw! Look what you've done! I was working on my end of year report cards and now they are toast! You will have to stay home today with me and help me rewrite them. After that, you'll have to find a new tenant to help you out with your gambling debts. Didn't anyone ever tell you that betting on Chicken Little to win it all on American Idol was an extremely dumb idea! And even if it wasn't, you didn't have to get me to help you rob a bank to pay off that loser, MacDougald who only made a lucky stab at Taylor in the first place! Heck, MacDougald, hides his money in an old sock under his bed. The last time he was in a bank, you were in diapers! That's enough hiding out for me! This time, I really am going to tell everybody the truth! And I really did go to Cleveland with you guys last summer!"\n\nAnd that's the reason why I've been away all week! It's also the reason I'll never be away again, no, no, no not ever! Except for maybe ..next Tuesday! You see  my tenant died suddenly yesterday, and I've got his funeral to attend next week. By the way, it's in Cleveland.
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the Last part ho*** is H o r n e y ..\n\nThree women were all pregnant at the same time so they all carpooled to their first doctor’s appointment. On the way there one woman said, " I was on bottom during sex so I will have a boy". The second one said, "Well, I was on top during sex so I will have a girl". The third girl started to cry and said, " Oh my goodness, I’m having Puppies".\n\n1. It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. \n2. It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh. \n3. It’s important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn’t lie to you. \n4. It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. \n5. It’s very, very important that these four women don’t know each other. \n\nPaddy was walking to the pub when he saw a woman lying unconscious in the road so \nhe called for an ambulance. \nThe Operator asked for his location and Paddy told her it was Eucalyptus Boulevard. \nThe Operator said, ’ Can you spell that please.’ \nPaddy replied, ’ Hang on I’ll drag her round to Oak Street.’
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ROFL read this one...\n\nA man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men's room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside.\n\nThe buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. \n\nHe carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!".\n\nStill curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world!\n\nThe button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.\n\nWell, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.\n\nWhen she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"\n\nThe nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your p*nis is under your pillow!"
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A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.\n\n"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.\n\n"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."\n\n"Is that a record?" she inquired.\n\n"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
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There,s life in the old dog yet fidgety!\nAn old retired Colonel was invited to a reunion dinner and halfway through the proceedings he rang his wife.\n"Agnes,this reunion is turning out more than I bargained for.They've got naked girls dancing on the tables and then giving their favours to anyone who's interested. What do you think I should do?"\nShe replied,"If you think you can do anything you'd better get home straight away."
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The Helpful Wife\n\n\nA male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:\nMan: What's the problem officer?\nCop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.\nMan: No sir, I was going 65.\nWife: Oh Harry. You were going 80.\n(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)\nCop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.\nMan: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!\nWife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks.\n(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)\nCop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.\nMan: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.\nWife: Oh  Harry, you never wear your seat belt.\nMan: Shut your mouth, woman!\nCop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?\nWife: No, only when he's drunk.\n\n\nHere's another\n\n\nDeputy Gomer\n\nThe local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.\n"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"\n"11" he replied.\nThe sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."\n"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"\n"Today and tomorrow."\nHe was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.\n"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"\nGomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."\n"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"\nSo, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.\n"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"
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Quoted from the website listed at the bottom,\n\nFor Men Only, The Art of Lying to Your Wife\n\nAll right, I admit the title to this article doesn’t sound good. I’ll even use the words "deceptive" or "dishonest"; maybe "disingenuous" sounds better. But, if the male species is to survive we need to know the top five times a bold face lie to our woman is required if we are to stay in a long, loving relationship. How would you respond to the following scenarios? \n\nScenario #1: It’s 11:30, lights out, you’ve just finished watching Leno and you’ve given your wife a good night kiss. A few minutes pass… you’re drifting off…when you suddenly hear your Boo Bear say, "Honey, if I ever died would you ever remarry?" What do you do?\n\nA. Pretend to be asleep.\nB. Tell her that "A love match like ours can never be replaced".\nC. Tell her that after an appropriate mourning period you would naturally begin to socialize.\n\n\nScenario #2: You’re invited to your ten-year class reunion. Your woman squeezes into her old cheerleading outfit and remarks, "My goodness! It still fits! How do I look? Do I look fat?" Would you say:\n\nA. Maybe we need to call Jenny Craig.\nB. It’s like we’ve gone back in time. You’ve never looked so beautiful.\nC. The word "Oink" comes to mind.\n\n \nScenario #3: It’s your anniversary and your wife has surprised you with a candle lit dinner for two. As you cut into the Cornish game hen dust rises from the incision you’ve just made. As you take your first bite you’re reminded of the Sahara Desert. "How do you like it? I’ve slaved over a hot stove for four hours." What do you say?\n\nA. It’s a little dry.\nB. It’s delicious! Are you related to Julia Child?\nC. Even the contestants on "Survivor" would pass on this bird.\n\n\nScenario #4: Your wife’s best friend just completed her thesis towards her Ph.D. Your spouse ponders whether her own accomplishments in life are as worthy and asks, "Honey, in the big scheme of things do I make a difference?" Do you say:\n\nA. In this big crazy world we live in who’s to say what matters and what doesn’t?\nB. Didn’t you drop out after the 6th grade?\nC. You make a difference to me and anyone else who is lucky enough to come in contact with you.\n\n\nScenario #5: After your wife’s best friend receives her new Ph.D., her husband pops for a new rack and face-lift for her. Your wife is appalled and says, "I can’t believe it, first she tries to prove she’s smarter than everyone else and now she’s trying to look 20 years younger. Why won’t she just grow old gracefully? Honey, do I need a face-lift?" What do you say?\n\nA. Does the Mona Lisa need a new coat of paint? Of course not!\nB. No, I like the wrinkles. They show experience and wisdom.\nC. What I think we’re dealing with here is a tear down.\n\nThere are five areas where telling the truth may be detrimental to your health. Discussing your wife’s mortality, weight, age, accomplishments or her cooking. Tread softly. If the truth hurts and it usually does, keep your mouth shut or tell a lie. While honesty is usually the best policy, staying alive and your wife’s happiness is a bigger priority.\n\nby Fred Cuellar the Diamond Guy®
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An oldie_\n\n3 sisters got married on the same day and all spent the night at their mother's home one last evening.\nThat evening after all had gone to bed the mother decided to listen at each door to see/hear what was going on.\nThe next morning the following conversation took place:\n\nMother to the first daughter:\n"darling I went by your room and all I heard was screaming, what happened to make you scream?"\n1st daughter to  mother:\n"well it was my first time mom and it hurt, that is why I was screaming"\n\nMother to the second daughter:\n"and you, all I heard was laughter coming from your room, what happended to make you laugh?"\n2nd daughter replies:\n"well mom, it tickled so I was laughing"\n\nMother to the third daughter:\n"YOU, I heard not a peep come out of your room, what happened for you to be so quiet?"\n2nd daugheter replies:\n"mom, you taught us not to speak with our mouths full!"\n\nLong but I hope you enjoyed.