After 3 year affair, we stayed apart for 9 years.  We started emailing recently.  We decided to meet yesterday for a final and proper goodbye - just a hug and goodbye.  I knew it would probably go farther and it did.  We ended up having sex.  It was just like it was yesterday.  All the passion and desire was still there for both of us.  We both said that we would always love each other.  He says he can't leave his marriage because of his kids.  They are now 18 and 16.  He's been married 20 years.  I've been married 17 years.  My kids are only 9 and 5.  I am very unhappy in my marriage right now.  I know it's because I miss him so much and the emotional connection we have.  We always said we were like soulmates.  How do I get past this guy?  We live in a small town and see each other often.  Moving is not really an option.  The initial affair was found out my both spouses.  Yesterday is still a secret.  Please help.  I'm dying inside and crying so much.
208829
Go get him....do not wait another minute...do not stay married for the kids, go get him, NOW.
189705
I've been married for 14 years and have continuously thought of my first true love.  Just about 2 months ago I came across his email address and contacted him through email.  Yea, he's married but is so glad that I contacted him.  I'm still his true love although he's now married as well as myself.  We email and occassionally he calls me.  It was such a relief to finally be able to talk with him.  He lives hours away, but we email each other daily.  So, I'm telling you, contact her.  You'll be glad you did.
423207
OMG!!!  I can't believe that someone else on earth has had to go through this!!  Last year I found out my husband was having an affair for 9 months with a neighbor of ours.  I was friends with this woman before she moved into our neighborhood, so when she moved in, we quickly became best of friends.  I was very angry, I kicked him out and never spoke to her again.  I had to talk to him because when I filed for divorce, he wanted to talk a settlement in custody of our daughter.  I refused.  I told him that as long as he wanted to be with her, then he wasn't taking my child around HER.  After about 3 months of not living with our family, he decided that he didn't want to be single or with HER for that matter.  I made him jump through a million hoops to come back home (such as switching cell numbers with me, getting a better job, going to counseling, going to AA, plus many more).  Also I made it a condition that if I EVER even THINK that he is talking to her again, then it is OVER FOR GOOD.
121812
I married the perfect guy, but I still feel something for the man I was suposed to marry. I've contact him after 11 yrs and he is still mad at me, besides we have an ocean between us, and I dont want to leave my hubby! wilmary69@yahoo.com
296610
You don't have two personalities what you do have is a part of you that desires intimacy and affection. I think you are torn between your values and your emotional and physical needs. I have to commend you for your commitment to your marriage but how do you do it if he is so far away?  As much as you have all the best intentions I can't imagine having my husband in another country it would make me feel like i wasn't married. Does your husband have plans on coming home soon? If he doesn't and you do find the courage to separate from your husband it does not mean you didn't try to make it work or did something wrong. Unless the way you feel right now changes. If the need for an intimate relationship still haunts you, you have to seriously consider moving on so you can be whole again.
238474
Hello Ninjachik, my wife and I went to counsleing for several years. We had only one problem in our marriage. I wanted sex more than she did. We were great in every other way.\nWe tried 3 different counsleors and what happened to us was after a few sessions, the counselor seemed to side with one of us and then the other person felt like they were being picked on by the counselor and our spouse. We gave up with them and started e-mailing each other! We both literally spilled our guts. We were very open with our feelings and the e-mail allowed us to say what we wanted without the other person interrupting! It took a few months of doing this but within about 2 weeks, we both felt that we were on to something! We both agreed to be more positive about things in general. If one of us was down, the other person picked them up. We both made efforts to do things the other person enjoyed. We started having more sex but I was no longer pressuring her to do this. Without the pressure from me, her desire picked back up! Now after almost 11 years of marriage, we go at it like two teenagers! I am not saying that counselling won't work for the two of you but you could try what worked for us. Talk to your husband and see if he is willing. It does take time but it sounds like you still love him. I will keep an eye on this question and if you want to discuss this more, let me know.\nI wish you and your family the very best of luck!
355174
Here's our story...tell me what you think.\n\nWe originally met in 9th Grade, he was the new boy in school.  We became fast friends and soon became more than that.  We were inseperable, many crazy adventures and all that fun young love stuff.  We broke up just before the school year ended because of our friends...you know the only people you listen to when you are 15 years old.\n\nWe stayed friends over the years, going for coffe every month or so to catch up.  I had the travel bug so after high school I moved around a bit, when I was gone he met someone else and married her.  On one of my stops home I found out he had married this girl (who I knew & knew she was not a good person), I told him my concerns & in my heart I knew that if he said me wanted he back I'd go.  He didn't so I was off on my journeys again.\n\nWell when I was 31 I moved back to my home town.  As luck would have it we met up one night, he was still married to the girl but he had been living in his basement for the last 6 years and had little or nothing to do with his wife.  He was miserable. \n\nWe spent that night catching up, when it was time to go home he grabbed my hand and said he let me go once & he was never going to do that again.  He moved out the next day and we are now married and have a beautiful 3 year old little boy.  \n\nSo no, I don't worry about him leaving me for someone else.  I think it all depends on the situation, and the rest of the story.  People look for love outside of their relationships because there is usually something wrong within their current relationship.  Others are just really shallow and want a "trophy wife"...those relationships never work out.
94747
I agree...you have been brave...however...most men do not do well with ultimatums so you might lose him.  HOWEVER if it's really meant to be, he will come back after a while, once he realizes how much life sucks without you.  If he doesnt, sit back and be happy that you're not wasting anymore time on someone who's not willing to be with you the way you need and want.  \nI live by this:  \n\nIf you love something, set it free\nIf it comes back to you...it's yours\nIf not, it never was.\n\nI am currently in a very very similar situation...so I truly do understand what you feel like.  e-mail me if you wanna chat melissakct@yahoo.com\n\nAs for some of the mean rude answers you recieved...ignore them.  Men do not only cheat for no-strings attached sex, perhaps he simply made a mistake when he got married and now realizes it.  It's only natural for him to see what else is out there before getting a divorce as divorce is a painful expensive process.  Perhaps assisting him in his affair is not the most moral thing we could do...but I don't think you did anything wrong.  And just b/c he cheated on her...does not mean he will cheat on you.  It all depends on his state of mind when entering the affair.  If he truly stopped loving his wife (very very possible) and already emotionally left the marriage...chances are he will not cheat again.  Only you know the answer to that. \n\nHope to hear from you.
592633
Firstly must say you seem like a very special man. Secondary I shall say that it is time that you concentrate on yourself a bit more (to be able to move forward)\n\nBe respectful, always reliable, helpful, be understanding, be her shoulder to cry on (life is funny.. but wheel turns). But at the same time give her space at this time as you don’t want to loose her.\n\nI had a friend who his wife left him for another man. They have two kids together. He was always there for her (but had other girlfriend but did not commit 100%: in fact I was one J ). If she was sick, or needed something, or pick their kids up: he was always there, kept nice contact with ex-in laws because of the kids.. She went back to him when she was in trouble. He let her. He let her leave him again for yet another man (even married) He was her friend, warned her about the guy who ended up to be an abuser. She left this guy in the end, she matured, and they now together (but he did not remarry), He is now 48, his wife 8 year younger. He married he as she was only 19.\n\n*******************************\nJust remember:\n*******************************\n\nForming a relationship with your ex is entirely separate from the process of ending a marriage; if you work through the process to achieve your "emotional divorce," you can cultivate something entirely new. Your old relationship is over; take the steps to heal so that you can invest your energy elsewhere.\n\nGood luck.\n\nps meant to say: and you get a new hobby and have fun with other people as soon you will feel better and might make new friends and will not feel lonely. The reason why we LOVe or MISS people is beuase we miss that comunication. Once you communicate with others it will be better for you. And who knows, maybe your ex -wife seeing how popular and outgoing you are might ant to herself be your friend asap.........  show her your new side that she did not see before :-)
24454
Your children are very important, and they do need a male figure in their lives. However, you are also very important, and you can't sacrifice yourself to save your kids. I'm a Christian, and I believe that adultery is the only reason for divorce - so you are free to leave the marriage if you wish. But, you say that you still love your husband... \n\nFirst I want you to understand something about affairs. When a man has an affair, he USUALLY does not plan it, or even think that "it could happen to him". Affairs are usually brought about from a friendship with another person who offers them something emotional that they aren't getting at home. THIS ISN'T YOUR FAULT! Please don't think I'm trying to tell you that you didn't provide enough for your husband - it's his job to communicate with you what he needs. He is a human, though, and if you think of him in this way instead of as a backstabbing jerk, it may be easier to consider my advice.\n\nI would have left with the kids immediately too if I had discovered the person I trust the most had betrayed me. But, instead of using this time to ONLY lick your wounds and vent to others... use it to seriously think about your future and the future of your children. I don't know what type of man your husband is, but MOST men who have affairs make it a one time mistake. If you think you love him enough that you want him to continue being in your life (and the life of your children), then you need to consider going to a counselor immediately. \n\nHaving an outside ear listen to both sides of the story may help both of you understand each other's emotions and actions. I can't guarantee that you'll be able to look past his wrong-doings... after all, you are human too, and it's not natural to be perfectly fine after something like this. You just never know, though - that's the crazy thing about this life. Everything is always a risk...\n\nIf you choose to seek help and repair your marriage, the first thing that needs to happen is for your husband to cut off ALL further contact with your "best friend". She cannot be in your lives AT ALL anymore. If you have to move to a different state to get away from her, then by all means, move to a different state. She will be nothing but trouble for your relationship if you are trying to heal it. \n\nFinally, I just want you to know that I am soooo soo sorry that this happened to you. I'm not married, but I have been cheated on. I know, I know... you could say it's not even close to the pain you're feeling - and you're right... but I can try to relate in any way that I can. He was my first love, and I felt like killing him, kissing him, and murdering the other girl all at the same time when I found out. I was lucky because it was easy (I didn't have kids or legal stuff to worry about) for me to move on from him... but I never forgot him. Four years (and several relationships) later he contacted me and sincerely apologized for his past mistakes. We started talking as friends again, but of course feelings from the past came quickly swooshing back. I didn't trust him for the longest time - but he eventually regained my trust, and I have never had a better or deeper relationship with anyone. I know it sounds dumb, but because we went through so much together, we are even stronger than if he hadn't cheated on me. Like a muscle gets stronger if it's worked... so does a bond if it's tested. \n\nI wish you all the luck in the world with your situation and the decisions that you make. If you'd like to talk to someone, you can always email me at Mousie007_1@yahoo.com.
304798
Wow, that is a complicated issue.  Lets start with you and your marriage.  You say you are ready to end it but this other guy won't end his for three more years.  If you are serious then that fact shouldn't stop you from ending your marriage right now rather than continue to live a lie and lead your husband on.  You need to base leaving your marriage right now upon the fact that you don't love your husband and you don't want to be married to him and not the fact that you and this other guy will be together.  The reality of life is that there are no guarantees no matter how much you and this other guy love each other that things will ever work out for you two.  So you need to decide right now are you willing to end your marriage right now regardless of what happens in the future.  \n\nAs for this other guy, I understand where he is coming from and considering you two have waited already for 9 years and him and his ex are together because of his desire to be with his kids I think you have to respect that.  I don't think anything you do is going to change his mind on that.  I also don't think when his kid goes to college it will be as easy as he thinks to end things again with his ex.  Again, one never knows for sure about the future.\n\nThe main thing is you need to be living your life regardless of all this drama.  If you shouldn't be married currently then you need to end that and start building a life on your own.  That way regardless of what happens in the future you control your own happiness and it isn't dependent on anyone else.
317920
Maybe you should continue to stay separated but start "dating" again and work on your issues. Having children in the relationship I feel it could be detrimental to them to have him continually coming and going into the home. I would continue being involved in your church, praying for him and your marriage and continue marriage counselling. If after a few months and giving it 100% there are still no changes in him/willingness from him to work on his issues then I would sit down and seriously contemplate if this situation is right for you and your children. But hopefully with prayer and God in your life you will see some changes. I definitely think baby steps is the way to approach this situation. God be with you.
206747
I managed to keep a ralationship alive between Australia and uk via email, letters and phone calls, (\nOver the space of 3 months i spent the equivalent of $2000 US dollars on phone calls) .....I won't lie, it is Bl**dy hard work, bot worth it. I've now been very very happily married to that person for 2 years.\n\nYou have to be honest and open in any conversation, and you have to tell each other EVERYTHING!!!!! ( and I mean everything, bad things too!)\n\nIf it's right you'll know within weeks of being apart. If he's worth fighting and suffering for, give it everything.  \n\nI guess if you are just leaving school you are still in your teens, i'm in my mid 30's, there's a huge world out there to discover, live for now, enjoy yourself and follow your heart!\n\nGood Luck
361968
I'm sorry for you.   I'm going thru something similar, but with 20 years together.  You might never have a reason why this happened.   I've found accepting that I can't MAKE him give me an answer or tell me the truth takes away a lot of the stress.  \n\nThere must be some little things that are better with him gone, though.   Something as small as having your room the way you like it now.   You may never stop loving him, but you will move on.  If you don't, you're wasting the life you have left!   There's so much more to do and see yet.   \n\nStrengthen you relationship with your kids (if you have any), and with your friends.   If you don't have friends, get out and do something you love and you'll meet some new ones.  \n\nI don't know how longs it's been for you, but at 2.5 month for me I can say that I'm really happy most of the time.   I couldn't have imagined that only a few weeks ago!\n\nGood luck to you, and don't stay home or in bed all day!  Force yourself to get out and do things or go places
450922
it always feels empty and weird after a major break up. if you keep breaking up and its not even a year yet, you are clearly not suited. you need to break up and be strong, dont turn back. all heart breaks hurt but better now than down the track when you are married with kids. it sounds like it is first love for both of you. you have plenty more time to find a life long partner. someone that doesnt say sorry as much!
323592
Wow. Simliar to what I'm going through but except with cheating with the brother. I'm 20 and I noticed that since me and my ex bf had a age gap of nearly 12 years it was hard for us to work out our problems. He loves you and he doesn't want to lose you. Maybe your husband and his brother should talk this matter over. There might be rage but it's better then losing someone that you may never see again due to unforeseen future ahead of one. Before me and my ex ended our relationship I told him about how hurt I was that he treated me like "shit". He took the time to understand what he was doing to hurt me. You can try talking it over with him. If matters aren't resolve, I think it would be wise to end the relationship and move on. It's wrong for you to have to put up with his "shit". I'm truly sorry that you are going through this but we do learn from our mistakes. Good luck.
169854
I heard the same thing when I was dating my husband. \n\nI was 20 and he was 23 when we got married. People at our wedding said it would never last.\n\nWe've been married for 9 years this June. \n\nGood luck with him. Always communicate. Don't restrict each other (except when it is something that could threaten the relationship). Have hobbies together and apart.