I work for people who obviously make ALOT more money than I. I guess they feel their witty banter is above all the levels of Bernie Mac. I get so sick of it and I just need a quick witted response that will subtly let them know that they are not funny, they should not try to be funny and that I just want to get my work done, all without embarassing them (too much.) any suggestions?
199800
When they make a stupid joke look at them and say: "Well, I guess they can't all be winners." They probably won't even know what you mean.
281117
You might try recording one of his 'episodes', he may not realize how obnoxious that is.  You might reminding him that it's only a compliment when someone ELSE says it...\n\nGood luck, that kind of behavior gets old fast!
294599
Honestly, just ignore them. Tell yourself.. "Who cares", smile, and walk away. If you get upset by what they say, its their gain cos thats what they want. The key is not to take what they say seriously, even tho' it may be a major OUCH phrase they use. Just think of it as (the lamest and unfunniest) joke ever, and move on. :)
301540
Are they calling first or just showing up?\n\nGosh if they are just showing up, you could always say you didn't make enough for more than just you/your family.\n\nIf they are just showing up, you can simply say "tonight is not a good night".  Remember you don't have to explain to them why.  So if they ask just say, it just ins't.\n\nAnd you can always tell them you are giving them their drink in a "to go" cup. LOL. ;)
638231
Do a simple professional message. Funny messages get annoying fast or might be misinterpreted:\n\nThank you for calling the xyz company. Unfortunately we are unable to answer the phone at this time as we are assisting other clients. Please leave your name number and a brief message and we will return you call as soon as we can.\nThank you for calling the xyz company.\n\nWhen outside of business hours:\nThank you for calling the xyz company. Unfortunately you have reached us outside of our normal business hours. Our business hours are....mon through fri... sat and sunday. You are important to us so please leave your name number and a brief message and we will return you call as soon as we can or please call us back during our business hours\nWe appreciate your interest in teh xyz company\n\n\nCall different companies outside of business hours and cheat of of their message
664803
Tell them you have a hang over! That works well. You won't have go into work the day after that too.
318498
Workload - write down everything you do/need to do, and dedicate time to each one. Plan what to do. Talk to your boss - they should be able to help.\n\nOffice politics - very difficult. Don't commit comments on people.\n\nLearn some disarming phrases. For a newbie, phrases like "Oh, thanks for the warning, I'll look out for that." when people are talking bad about others are good, then quickly change the subject. As you mature into the job, don't be frightened of saying things like "Well, I've never had a problem with them, to be honest".\n\nDo NOT get involved in any massive slagging sessions, no matter how tempting. It can all come back to you.\n\nDon't get upset if someone doesn't like you. Just realise they aren't worth it. Get on with your job, forget about them, worrying about them won't do your career any good.\n\nDon't be afraid of reporting anyone if you feel they are making your work difficult or unpleasent. If you show you are tough and won't stand for nonesense from the start, it'll pay off in the long run.\n\nI'd rather be called names than be a patsie to everyone at work.
192768
lol  same ol' lame-o has worked for me for YEARS:\n\n.....Do I know you from somewhere?  You look REALLY familiar...  What's your name?  I'm Whoeveryouare.  What do you do?  blah blah blah  Did you ever work over at blah blah blah? \n\nThen you've got a whole conversation going.  Just don't do it to the three guys sitting right in a row at the bar.  :-)
182526
Stop being so nice and threaten them with dismissal if they are not productive. If you don't want to take that route then offer incentives for the best producers. Give bonuses for a job well done or hire a motivational speaker or give commissions plus salary instead of straight salary. If all this fails then hire new staff.
439057
You're only spell can be changing your attitude. If your employer is egotistical, then buy into it. Tell him ow wonderful he is (not directly), but with statement like, "What a great idea!" or "You're so smart", or "I wish I'd thought of that". If he wants things done his way - even if it's wrong - do it his way, but show him what you think is the right way, too, as though it is his idea. Everyone loves an employee who makes him/her look good. Unfortunately there are a lot of bosses who let their positions go to their head and usually they will self destruct over time on their own. The only thing you can do is laugh internally at his idiocy and become the best you can be. I've learned a lot more from bosses I couldn't stand than the ones that I loved. Good luck!
588311
Just say, "well I hate to be rude but I think we're gonna have to get together another time I have some personal errands to run or I have to get some sleep". Tell them you'll call them tomorrow as you stand up & start walking to the door. Or you could scream there's money falling from the sky & slam the door behind them & lock it as they run out. heehee...best of luck to you!
404692
When dealing with an envious co-worker, I kill them with kindness, and I'm not talking about lip service. You must be genuine when doing this for it to work. Obviously they have massive insecurities, and perceive you as some kind of threat. I would also suggest keeping ones personal, and professional life mum. In essence, do not give anyone a reason to hold you in contempt. The old saying is true, "keep your friends close, your enemies closer".
233378
Give a true answer...just don't give a direct answer.\n\nSay something like, \n\n"Honey, that outfit was made for you...all of you."\n\n"Honey, that outfit would look even better with a new pair of shoes!  Wanna go shopping?"\n\n"Oh Honey...fat? You?  In that oufit... (let your answer fade away into a pause for about 5 seconds)...let's go look at some earrings to match!"\n\nIf she is not guided into other questions by your deft maneuvers at trying to change the subject...and she continues to ask you the question...look her straight in the eyes and say..."Honey, I'll give you a thousand dollars if I don't have to answer that question."
493365
That was me and I wanted to apologize, but first I have a few things to bring you up to date on about me.....\n\nI had an employer like that, unbelievable. Actually said this at a meeting with engineers and architects:\n\n"I will not tell you how good I am" (I Was thinking, good, stop talking), then he said "but I am". I will skip the rest, you get the picture.
443145
ha! i have the same problem! they r just plain stupid if they really think that!  but, they just like to show off!!  but, just give some good comebacks!(in front of all his friends!).  thats what i did!\ngood luck!!
325577
bull$hit.\n\nno hiring staff ever said that to an interviewee.\n\nyou're so full of $hit your eyes are brown.
253478
Everybody likes to hear "nice job" once in a while.  If they are hard workers, let them know that you appreciate them.  Kind words will go a long way.  If all you ever do is point out their mistakes, well, that gets old fast.\n\nMaybe let them off early (with pay) once in a while, the day before a holiday, or just because it is a nice day.  Even half an hour makes people feel like they are getting something.\n\nTreat them the way you would like to be treated, and see what happens.