A lady came up to me on the street and pointed at my suede jacket.\n"You know a cow was murdered for that jacket?" she sneered.\n  I replied in a  psychotic tone, I didn't know there were any \nwitnesses. Now I'll have to kill you too."
212284
What do you do with a dog that has no legs?\n\n\n\n\n\nTake it for a drag!
183920
Hey how are you? the  new guy shouted. "Holy cow", the clown replied. I blew up the town as I flew over in my fighter plane and as I went down my payload exploded, you should have saw it the mushroom cloud just grew. Now I am afraid in case what is to follow, the start of a nuclear winter, in April, I may move down under to escape.\n\nall in order I must add
589994
Hi Danmarie,\nAbout the time I got into high school, I started noticing the way other people were living. I began to realize that I came from a clan of poor ingrates, breeding without concern of a pedigree. In lay terms, I was a simple S.O.B.\nI began to wonder, oh no, what in thee hell am I going to do? It took awhile to get a plan but then, one day I sold my mum for a hundred dollars to some young punk. I took that hundred and invested it into a ten-speed bicycle.\nOK, there was a king-pin who lived in the neighborhood. I didn't know his name but everyone called him, "Angel," and I got a job working for him to deliver envelopes around town. The cops were always cruising the streets and I had a fun time ducking into alleys and following my bike after heaving it over the chain linked fence.\nI finally figured out what was in the envelopes and I had enough cash saved up to try another line of work. But Angel wouldn't hear of it. He said, "You ain'ta gonna quit. See that fat guy over der? He gonna beat the crap outta ya dad if you do." If that wasn't enough to persuade me to stay he added, "See dat greasy looking guy over der? He gonna rape yer sista."\nSo, I told Angel about my sister, how she'd been giving it up for a long time and, I already sold my mum, did he think I cared about what would happen to my dad too? Angel had another card up his sleeve and said, "See da girl over there, she gonna kill you and da worst pard of it is, dey won't be any pain."\nDanmarie, I must tell you now that I became very frightened. So much so that I went to the chief of police and fessed up with the entire story. As I finished, I told him I only wanted to get out. The chief replied smug and self assured, as he drawled, "Well ok, we'll try to hep ya."\nA few days passed and my routines returned to normal. I had forgotten what wheels I had set into motion and stepped outside one morning to notice that no birds were singing. None of the regular stray dogs were roaming the streets. A tumble weed bounced out of an alley. However, I became aware of some S.W.A.T. team members scoping me from behind trees and roof tops. Then, the chief of police entered the street with a posse of cruisers. They drew their service weapons on me as a captain approached with a set of handcuffs. The chief said, "Angel's gone, the fat guy's gone, the greasy guy is gone. And now, you're going to join them."\nThe whole neighborhood got busted. As I looked out the back window of the cruiser I could see the bulldozers already beginning to level the block. I got sentenced away to perform hard labor. Taking turns between sweatshops, manual labor, milking cows, pipe irrigation. All the while always working side by side with cousins of inbreeds just like me. There is really no way out of this hell. The only moral to my story is,\nYou probably didn't read this far, did you?\n\nBrett
290111
The roach slithered down the Rex's throat and I could hear it's sharp mandibles scraping at his vocal chords. He let out a loud yelp and jumped back from the grave.\n"No, Rex," I said. "Leave the bugs alone. We have work to do."\nMy shovel plunged into the damp soil like a knife tearing into a Thanksgiving turkey. \n"You dog is choking," Mandelbaum said. "Stupid mutt."\nI turned away from the grave and glanced at Rex. The dog was indeed choking and it made me laugh. "Serves you right."\nWith a violent hack, Rex vomited up the insect. It was huge, green and slimy. It scurried away and Rex looked as though he might give chase, but I snarled "Enough!"\n"Do you think she's still alive down there?" Mandelbaum asked, wiping his sweaty brow. The man stank of onions and formaldehyde.\n"She is." I said and went back to work. \nRex eyed the grave, watching for more roaches.
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When I was standing on a country road (waiting at an unmarked bus stop) in Italy and twelve men pulled their cars over (not all at once), thinking I was a prostitute.  They waved their wallets at me and tried to get me into their cars.  I was so upset that I was in tears, crying beside the road.  Suddenly I heard a sound, and I looked down to see two lizards running across the sidewalk.  Before I could do anything one of lizards crawled up onto my foot and started crawling up my leg.  I could feel it against the skin on my calf, so I lifted my leg and tried to shake it off, but the damn thing just wouldn't come off.  All I could think was, "Everyone thinks I'm a prostitute and I'm going to have to take off my pants to get this lizard out of them!"  So I was standing beside the road, totally crying, shaking one leg around in the air.  All the cars that were driving by were honking their horns and hollering at me... it was soooo embarassing!  \n\nAfterword:\n\nEventually the lizard got scared and crawled off my leg- it didn't get past my knee and I didn't have to take off my pants.  A few minutes later the bus came.  I swear I didn't look like a prostitute- I was wearing a sweater and dress pants!  And I had a suitcase!
398030
Face like a bulldog liking p*ss off a nettle!\n(if you're talking and you get your words mixed up) - Another spoke like that and i'll have a wheel.\nYou look like the back end of a bus.\nI'll rip off your head and sh*t down your neck.\nYou fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.\n(burp) - Pardon me for being so rude, it was not me it was my food, it just popped up to say hello, and now it's gone back down below.\nThere's a party in my pants and you're all invited!
633607
CURSE YOU!!! i fell into your cunning trap\nyou have made a fool of me ... but never again! this i vow! upon my mothers soul!\n\nok a little overboard i agree, but i am so frustrated that i fell for this old trick!
245775
Harold, it's Bateman, Patrick Bateman. You're my lawyer so I think you should know: I've killed a lot of people. Some girls in the apartment uptown uh, some homeless people maybe 5 or 10 um an NYU girl I met in Central Park. I left her in a parking lot behind some donut shop. I killed Bethany, my old girlfriend, with a nail gun, and some man uh some old faggot with a dog last week. I killed another girl with a chainsaw, I had to, she almost got away and uh someone else there I can't remember maybe a model, but she's dead too. And Paul Allen. I killed Paul Allen with an axe in the face, his body is dissolving in a bathtub in Hell's Kitchen. I don't want to leave anything out here. I guess I've killed maybe 20 people, maybe 40. I have tapes of a lot of it, uh some of the girls have seen the tapes. I even, um... I ate some of their brains, and I tried to cook a little. Tonight I, uh, I just had to kill a LOT of people. And I'm not sure I'm gonna get away with it this time. I guess I'll uh, I mean, ah, I guess I'm a pretty uh, I mean I guess I'm a pretty sick guy. So, if you get back tomorrow, meet me at Harry's Bar, so you know, keep your eyes open.
362124
I would call the police... she could end up hurting you , lots of weirdos in this world!
438903
i hope she never comes back!! ppl like you make me sick, guy's who use violence on women sohuld be locked up, it's a sign of weakness. i hope you rot in hell, i don't care if you report me ,i said what i wanted too.
72870
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.\n\n"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.\n\n"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."\n\n"Is that a record?" she inquired.\n\n"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
660425
I SAID IT. You want to attack my words, you come on out and say it you coward. The only person who deserves a walk of shame is you. Reported.\n\nAdded: Oh, and for that matter you didn't even put all of what I said. You just took my words and twisted them for your own use. You need to be kicked off of here.\n\nAdded: My complaints will not cease until this insult is removed.
593456
Late last night, while we were all in bed.\nOld Lady Leary lit a lantern in the shed.\nAnd when the cow kicked it over, she blinked her eyes and said,\n"There'll be a Hot Time, in the Old Town tonight ... FIRE FIRE FIRE!"
135702
ya call the local police. that sounds like a twisted woman!!!
267768
Not a boss, exactly, but that happened to me in school with a teacher. I said something about her that I don't care to repeat in polite company. :) As I was describing, in colorful detail, what a raging b*tch this woman was, I couldn't help noticing the horrified expressions on my friends' faces. Then I turned around and saw her standing right behind me. She'd heard every word of it. Then she began openly laughing at me, mocking me, and on top of it all, correcting my English. Man, was I embarrassed. But she seemed to react to my comments with good humor, and I later came to like and respect her.
307690
Took my Mom out to a fancy restaurant. All week she's been b*tching because it's too expensive... \n\nFinally, just before she ordered her food, I said, "Well, Mom... you're just gonna have to face it... You're worth it." \n\nShe cost me a lot of money today. But... like I said, she's worth it.
117052
"..Is that a question? Seriously get a life and think some good question. You are insulting the intelligence of my cat with that question."\n\n^^^^ That is a characteristic of a Snob.