It has come out that my wife is a victim of a single incident of sexual abuse.  It occured in her late teens and was not physical, but it did involve a family member.  \n\nShe is strong and doesn't make herself out as victim, but I know that that component has to be there.  We have issues in our marriage that are severe enough for me to question whether she even loves me at all or just feels stuck with me.  I love her deeply, which is why I'm so concerned. \n\nIt seems to makes sense that our problems result from the abuse:\n\nSevere trust and control issues.\n  \nWorries a lot (often time irrationally), sometimes nearly to the point of panic attacks.  \n\nSubject to nightmares and spooks easily.\n  \nLacks affection.\n\nVery uptight about sexual matters and very selfish in that regard (has to have control too).\n\nSo the question (for professionals, victims, or their spouses) would therapy help us?  And if not would it at least help her be happier?  And please, leaving her is not an option.\n\nThanks
212264
Yes, as a survivor myself I can tell you that it does indeed help, but she has to be ready to admit that she was abused and it's not ok that it was done to her, but it wasn't her fault. Also she needs to be open to the idea that these surrounding issues that she is having may be related. I found that the more I talked about my rape, the less it bothered me to talk about it, and soon after, the nightmares went away, I was able to go out alone again, etc. Time doesn't heal ALL wounds, some wounds need to heal from the inside out, and that takes help, love and support. Thank god for my husband. You are a good man, don't give up on her, she needs you more than ever right now, it may be frustrating at times, but get her into therapy and get yourself into a support group. beg her every day if you have to, just tell her it's because you love her and you WON"T let this ruin your marriage. good luck!!
249423
I definitely would continue to pursue therapy.\nmake sure that while you in therapy that you \nget to the root cause of what made you this way\ni have found out for myself when you get down to \nthe root cause of any problem and deal with it\nhealing can begin.  I bid you Gods best\non the issue of your wife taking you back , I would\nallow time to tell where this is going.\nI personally believe however that God can turn things\naround if we trust him .
227358
after 19 yrs of marriage i can say fron a man point of view that he has a lot on his mind and it may have also to do with something you've said or done to him. but he'll hold it in and not let you in in order not to be hurt anymore. it's like closeing off his heart so he wont be hurt any more. if it's not you then it's something someone else has done to him. but unless you get him to open up it will be a dead relationship. what my wife and i do when the other cant seem to talk to us , IS WRITE A LETTER! TELLING THE PERSON WHAT YOU FEEL ,AND MISS ABOUT THEM, AND WHY AND HOW IT MAKE YOU FEEL. HE CANT RUN FROM A LETTER OR ARGUE WITH IT GOOD LUCK!!! you dont just just let go you. figure what caused the reason to hurt and not repeat them. both spouses hurt each other. but when you look at the situation you look at it from your point of view. counseling allows you to hear his side if he talks. then you get a better understanding of som of the harm you might have done also!!!Good luck daddysr2003
238474
Hello Ninjachik, my wife and I went to counsleing for several years. We had only one problem in our marriage. I wanted sex more than she did. We were great in every other way.\nWe tried 3 different counsleors and what happened to us was after a few sessions, the counselor seemed to side with one of us and then the other person felt like they were being picked on by the counselor and our spouse. We gave up with them and started e-mailing each other! We both literally spilled our guts. We were very open with our feelings and the e-mail allowed us to say what we wanted without the other person interrupting! It took a few months of doing this but within about 2 weeks, we both felt that we were on to something! We both agreed to be more positive about things in general. If one of us was down, the other person picked them up. We both made efforts to do things the other person enjoyed. We started having more sex but I was no longer pressuring her to do this. Without the pressure from me, her desire picked back up! Now after almost 11 years of marriage, we go at it like two teenagers! I am not saying that counselling won't work for the two of you but you could try what worked for us. Talk to your husband and see if he is willing. It does take time but it sounds like you still love him. I will keep an eye on this question and if you want to discuss this more, let me know.\nI wish you and your family the very best of luck!
413795
Let's break down my life:\n\nMy wife had a wonderful childhood and has very supportive parents, she is very gay. My sister and I were both molested and raped by our father, I am gay - she isn't. Sorry to be blunt, but by just three people it becomes quickly obvious that childhood abuse has nothing to do with it.
251256
I get situational ED with my wife.  It sucks, I'll tell ya and I bet you can agree.  I read a thing the other day on web md (because I am scared of ED too) that said that sleep and stress has to do with it.  Maybe your just more comfortable around your lover now, and it keeps your stress levels low, and your other lovers caused you more stress.  I think that if its not a physical problem with you, it is obviously a mental thing, so you would probably fit into this area of stress and sleep.
447393
I know it's hard, believe me! It's not something you get over in one night, or one year. It takes alot of time and you have to ask yourself if you are willing to give yourself that time? Is the marriage good now? Is it worth working on? Your wife needs to work on rebuilding your trust. Is she willing to do whatever it takes to help you along with this? It really seems to me that she is, because 20yrs is a long time that you both have invested in. I know you are in pain right now, your wife has been in pain for the last 10yrs thinking about what she did and has lived with knowing that one day you would find out and maybe end the life she really wants. And that is to be wife and a mother to YOUR kids. I am not making excuses for her because what she did was wrong! I know you need validation right now and you have every right to feel that way. You (I am sure) are a great dad. So for right now, focus on that. Time will heal...I promise!
102026
I think I might have an answer to part of your question, if I may. Of course, I can only speak from my own experience, but here goes. Maybe the reason we don't post questions about our relationships with our spouses, friends, family & other such issues is that we get our help from the Lord. We have His big book of answers, that helps guide us along our way. We also have each other, being connected by the same Spirit. We pray, asking God for guidance. We go to our Pastor's, asking for deeper answers from parts of the Scriptures that we're not acquainted quite so well with. You see, some issues need to be given into God's hands. You've seen some of the dating & relationship posts here...would you trust your relationship issue with most of the people that post on those sites? It's not intriguing when you think about it. But, one of the reasons I come to this site is to use my years of various experiences to help people. I don't always use Scripture, because it's not always required, especially when someone wants to know how to get wine stains out of their carpeting. Or how to get their two year old to talk. Things like that are practical, everyday experiences. Being that I've been married for over 28 years, raised two kids to adulthood, and have a mess of other experiences, I can help people...and I do. And yes, I am a "devout" Christian. I treat everyone with respect and answer every question carefully, even the ones that are nasty or just plain goofy. It's part of my nature to treat everyone as I would hope they treat me. For the most part, if you give respect, you get it back. This forum is a wonderful, yet scary thing. Through this site, I'm getting a different view of the world than the evening news ever could give me. There are just so many hurting young people out there, and I want to reach out to them. It's more than just the "mom" in me, it's the Lord Who is in me. Everything that gets to me has to go through Him first. I hope this helped answer your intrigues. <*)))><
16270
Hello there,well i did have to stop to this question my dera!A question that i myself use to ask myself awhile ago,but for a long time now resolved!Now I really get the feeling that this questions also is asking for help and desperate mesures!Now i Do Not Know your Case..But I can Feel it!My Name is Smaara,I am from Canada a,Quebec,I am also Glad To answer this for You..But I am Also Offering You My Help!Now your Question Is Why Do Woman Always Get abused?-Well I have To say That in My entire life abuse was part of it..since i was 2 years old,You see i do not know you,and i know that you are living things that you do not deserve at all!In a Womans Life..She Who Has been Living With abuse,either Physical Or Phsycological is even if she doesnt want it seems to be attracted to it...If You had Abused since a very young age..when you reach teenager..you have the bad gift of usiing this vicious circle..that even without knowing!I Had a Really Rough Life Of Abuse...Believe me You Need To Get Out Of IT!Stop Now and Think About It...What Has Your Life Has Been Breing You With all The abuse You have Been Experiencing!I Lived it But Also Studied It and If You Do Not Btreak Up This Circle That Is around You,Following your Eveysteps Of Your Everyday Life Well...No Maen To Scare You But some Dont Make It OUt!Lots Of Woman Will Use The Help Hotline Our Abuse line..That is Not Your Way Out,And That My Dear Is What I Know,You need TO Get Out..Not Tomorrow,Not In a WEek,But asap.....Men Love To Abuse Woman Because Thery Feel It Gives Them Power,Yes Power Over You..He has a Nee To Feel that He Controls Youre Every Move And As Far As I KNow...I think That You Do Not Need That..Especially With The Life YOu Had!Mister Feels SO Important...But Let Me Tellk YOu,,Mister si Nothing But A Looser!Break it now while its Not To Late..You Need Help..I am There For You Even If You Do Not Know me.Read Below Plesae.
106730
Hey man I know where you are coming from. My wife just told me that cheated on me with another man about 2 months ago. I went nutts, but not too bad. Luckily she told me at our preachers house. After she told me I did not know what to do. Because in the bible it states that that is the only reason for divorce. I sat down and talked with her and the preacher. We agreed that we would stay together. I wanted to leave her but then I didn't. I love her so much, and not only because we have kids. I am still having a hard time getting over it. Like I said it has already been 2 months since she told me and I still can not sleep nor trust her. There are still times when I want to leave but I can't because I love her too much. Also you don't want to go out and do the same thing she did. It won't do any good, except have a burden on your shoulders. Just hang in there man. Pray about it and see what God wants you to do. God Bless!
336615
Aww come on dude, a woman needs to feel loved (love not sex)I am always there for my wife, I talk to her, I listen, sometimes she only wants to talk out a problem and does not want me to provide the answer. I take my share of cleaning the house (I work full time to provide the best for her as well).\nShe says she feels warm and contented when with me. I spend as much time as possible with her.\n\nI know what you are worried about, if you get everything else right, then sex will never be a problem, for me it is awesome.
543780
Hello: I would like to make a suggestion. If at all possible please look for a therapist. I'm not suggesting this to be rude. You say that there was a lot of fighting in your life as a child. That is emotional abuse. Yelling, name calling, fighting, screaming matches that is abuse. If you are having flashbacks and repressed memories to me as a survivor of abuse both emotional, and other it seems like there are things that maybe you need unburden your heart with. There seems like there could be a lot of pain to perhaps work out. I have P.T.S.d and flashbacks are something that I deal with  I have anxiety and I have repressed memories. I encourage you to please talk to someone. A pastor, relative, friend, or therapist. Please for if nothing else at all then to help with your blood pressure. I have worked through many problems and still have a long way to go. If it seems like I am reading to much in to this then perhaps I could be. It just sounds like something is troubling your heart.\nGood Luck and I'll keep you in thought and prayer.
446125
I'm not sure what kind of input you're looking for but I think you got some pretty decent input.  I'd tell you the same thing.  I was married to someone like that and he got very abusive with me.  You should definitely dump him.  I wouldn't give someone like that the time of day and if you actually cared about yourself at all you wouldn't either.  You're trying to look for answers within yourself that aren't there.  You can't blame yourself for the way he is.  Hes got serious problems and you'll have the same if you don't get away from him!  Good luck!
26188
...wish to share, am a returner favourer kinda person.\n\n1.26 11:51p est Stupendous Man, silly of me to confuse you with that little guy Calvin, guess I thought he looked a little like you.\nFor me it would depend what those differences were. If we're talking about weaknesses in character, then have to say I have seen that used as a weapon, friend on friend, sibling on sibling, and of course spouse on spouse. \nI had a realization once that I turned into a caution motto, "There is no one in this world who loves you so much as to not say a negative thing about you behind your back." (yes, very familiar with feeling betrayed, but let's leave that) And I guess a similar expression would be, "There isn't likely to be anyone in this world who loves you enough, never to hold your weaknesses against you." Whether that weakness is being too emotional or not emotional enough, or having to much to say or not being able to verbalize worth a poo, ya know the contrast between one personality and it's opposite.\n\nI guess what I am getting to, is that it's possible to love someone and know they have this difference about them, and SOMETHING ELSE gets in between you, and in the course of having it out one spouse retaliates with pointed references to this "difference". IT ISN'T because they were always really bothered by it and just never brought it up before, it's more that they were running out of arguments about the actual issue at hand, and needed some grounds to prove their "right"geousness in the fallout.\nFeeling misunderstood on both sides is where the real problem is. It's not necessarily a communication breakdown, it could be the gradually ending of sympathy, feeling unequal in a relationship, feeling undervalued. Then it's "who cares if you're sensitive about this difference, I want to right no matter the cost, I want to be heard whatever might fly from my lips"\nIt's sad and unnecessary, but it comes from people's focus on theirselves. If more people tried to see it from the opposing perspective this world would be a much more peacful place.
84934
Your husband may have a mental disorder but he still has rights and if he is being released the agency must feel he can function in society.  This does not mean they are right but they are only following the rules of the agency.  If the doctor felt he should still be hospitalized they would ask for a Judicial Commitment. They can not keep him if they believe he is better.  It is unfortunate that your husband is not giving you more information or including you in the discharge plane because it may help ease some of your fears. Since you do not have any proof that your son has seen your husband acting out sexually it may be difficult to prove.  Also, I don't see how the therapist could have you son removed if he has no proof of abuse. What he has is a possible event in which your son saw your husband participating in cyber sex.  How many children have walked on their parents having sex? I am not saying your reason is not valid or a reason for concern I am just saying it just may not be consider abuse or neglect. \n\nSo where does that leave you and your son? You are his mother and if you feel he has been affected by your husband sexual voyeurism please do everything possible to protect him.  Do you have your own income, can you move out, is there a friend or family member you can stay with.  Are you afraid of your husband?  You may need to contact a women's shelter if you have run out of options.  It may also be possible that your husband has gotten better but his disorder is too difficult for you to manage.  If this is the case it may be time for you to start taking steps to dissolving the marriage and living on your own.  It is very difficult to live with someone with a mental disorder especially someone with an Axis I of DID.  I know right now you feel lonely, frustrated, and angry.  It may appear that everyone is looking out for your husband but there are know options for you son.  If I were you I would call child protection myself to start an investigation go with your guts because it is better to be safe than sorry.
125745
You say you are a Christian and so am I... one of the symptoms of PTSD is victimizing others. I believe this is what he is doing. I suggest that you insist on two things - first, that he get out of the military the next chance he gets, and two that you go to counseling - TOGETHER. God does not allow for divorce in very many cases... adultery is one of them - if he gets physically abusive, that would also be an exception. If you are interested in saving your marriage, which you seem to be, then I suggest you try this. Your husband is going through something that you cannot understand, but he is dealing with it very poorly. So the solution is for you to understand, for him to get help, and for you to get help healing your heart. You have to get back on the same page. By the way, if you don't get help and the situation escalates, you could be at risk for PTSD, too. Best of luck and God Bless.
181853
Now, this is a very interesting and intriguing question. Actually, the issues are really big since the victim would always be doubtful about your every move. She can't stop but think she could get abused again. But, if the man makes her feel real comfortable at first and gain her complete trust, there would not be any issue later. I would go out with someone like you but would want you to letme know whenever you feel insecure with me. That would, by itself, slowly get you feel secure and then move easily with me.