A mans going parachuting for the first time.  He's in the plane and about to jump when his instructor says "Now don't worry, if there's any problem detach your main chute and realease the emergency reserve chute, and if that doesn't work, pray to Allah to help you"\n\nA little worried the man jumps from the plane and after freefalling for a bit he pulls his cord.  The main chute doesn't open so remembering not to panic he detaches the chute and pulls the rip cord for the back up.  Again the chute fails and the man starts plummeting to his death.  On the way he remember what the instructor says and thinks "oh well, what's the worst that can happen?" so he prays "please help me Allah from falling to my death.  Amazingly a big hand comes out of the clouds and gently places the man on the ground. "Thank god for that" says the man, whereupon a big brown foot squashes him.
206190
My avatar is laughing.  On the inside.  Where it counts.  ;o)
631821
good one...Here's one....Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.\nThe first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."\nThe first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed.\nThe second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.\nThe first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with pineapples."
126275
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, he wordlessly picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. \n\nThe professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with an unanimous "yes."\n\nThe professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.\n\n"Now," said the professor as the laughter subsided, "I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things--your family, your children, your health, your friends and your favorite passions---and if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.\n\nThe pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house and your car. The sand is everything else---the small stuff. "If you put the sand into the jar first," he continued, "there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff you will never have room for the things that are important to you.\n\n"Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your spouse out to dinner. Play another 18. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first---the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand."\n\nOne of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor smiled. "I'm glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend."
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*Good one...here's one 4 you.....George was planning on going out with "The Boys" when his wife told him that he wasn't leaving the house.\n\nGeorge's Wife: "The last time you went out with your friends you got so drunk that you puked on your shirt."\n\nGeorge: "But Honey, I promise that I won't drink a drop of alcohol all night!"\n\nSo after begging his wife for an hour, George got the OK the go out with the guys as long as he stayed off of the booze. George met up with the guys at a local bar and proceeded to get $hit-faced. After about 3 hours of guzzling liquor, George blew chow all over his shirt.\n\nGeorge: "$hit! The old lady is going to throw my @ss out of the house for getting drunk and puking on my new shirt!"\n\nBill, George's best pal, gave drunk @ss George an idea of how to keep from getting in trouble with the wife.\n\nBill: "All you got to do is have a $20 bill in your hand when you walk through the door. Then, when she accuses you of barfing all over yourself, just tell her that some other drunk puked on you and that he gave you 20 bucks to get the shirt cleaned."\n\nSo, when George walked into the house with money in hand, his wife was waiting for him in the living room.\n\nGeorges wife: "I knew that your drunk @ss would spew bile and booze all over that new shirt!"\n\nGeorge: "Honey, let me explain! This drunken fool at the bar puked on me and gave me 20 bucks to have it cleaned."\n\nHis wife snatched the money out of his hand and observed that he was holding two $20 bills.\n\nGeorge's wife: "Is that so? Then where did the other 20 dollar bill come from?"\n\nGeorge: "Oh, That's from the guy who $hit in my pants."*
146081
A miniapolis couple decided to go to get away from the cold winter.they were going to stay in the same hotel as their honeymoon 2 because of certain difficulties the husband flew on the friday while the wife was following on the next day. \n \nthe husband checked in to the hotel and found they now had computers unlike 20 years ago. he decided to send his wife a email, however he accidently left out one alphabet in the address when sending.\n \nmeanwhile some where in huston a widow had just returned home from her husbands funeral. he was a minister who had just returnd home to glory after suffering a heart atack. \nthe widow decided to check her emails expecting messages from friends and family.\nafter reading the first message she screamed and fainted. her son came in and saw the email\n \nto my loving wife\ndate friday october 05 \nsubject: i have arrived\n \ndearest love\n \ni know you are surprised to hear from me.\nthey have computers hear now and you are alowed to send email to loved ones.\ni have just cheked in, i see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorow, and look forward to seeing you then. \nhope your jurney is as uneventfull as mine was.\n \n \nps: sure is freaking hot down hear
357445
avian flu\n\npig flu\n\nive been carjacked\n\nYou’ve been mistakenly arrested during a random bag check and transported to Guantánamo Bay, and this is your only phone call, but not to worry, you hope to have the whole thing cleared up by, oh, tomorrow.\n\nSorry but I won't be at work the next few months. You know how i'm in the reserves? We'll I'm being shipped of to Norrath in the morning for some U.N peace Keeping mission... \n\nHey boss, I'll be out of office this week, I'm going on a honeymoon with my wife, we just got married\n\nHey boss i can't work cause i...errrr... i died! Gottagobye! \n \nUm yeah...I've talked with some of my coleagues and we've determined my absence from work isn't a problem, it's a "feature". Thank you for employing me, have a nice day! *click* \n \n\n" My guns are telling me to stay home today". \n\nI've been promoted to Manager by our Supervisor, making you Assistant Manager, & I am now taking a vacation leaving you in charge...& don't look for the Supervisor to question my new promotion, he's gone scuba diving with brick shoes, mwa hahaha!...Scratch the brick shoes part, hehe, woops. \n\nIm having a religous holiday for the week. Im an Eekyoo Tooh Witness...yeah, & our long foretold prophecy is coming true, we'll be fulfilling our religious destiny...Witnessing Eekyoo Tooh. \n \n\nMy wife was in a horrible car accident....yes for the 15th time this year.... \n\n\nI just won a contest for a trip to an entirely different world.....so i'll be needing a few weeks off... \n \n\nI'm sorry, but I feel that my productivity levels will be low today. Would you rather not pay me for a day or pay me for not making my Quota, and depressing everyone around me? \n \nI'm sorry, I won't be available to work today. Oh, I'll be AT work.. with my girlfriend/boyfriend in the supply closet. Please observe the 'Do Not Disturb' sign on the door and don't check on us. We'll be fiiiiiiine. \n\nI can't come into work today. I have a fever of 85 degrees. \n\n(I tried that once many years ago with my father if I recall to avoid school. I for some reason had though 78 was the normal temperature. He calmly told me I was dead.) \n\nMe: "Hey boss, I need some time off. " \nBoss: "Why?" \nMe: "My wife in Everquest2 told me that if I don't spend more time with her, she will divorce me." \nBoss: "Oh, what about your real wife?" \nMe: "Didn't I tell you? She divorced me 4 years ago when EQlive came out because I didn't spend enough time with her." \nBoss: "Well for god's sake man, don't let this one get away! Take all the time you need." \n \nDigestive Issues" \nI can guarentee nobody wants details\n\nim sick\n\ni've been in a caraccident\n\nmy babysitter just quit\n\ni just had a misscarriage\n\nim hungover\n\ni just witnessed a robbery & will be at police station id ing the suspect
234364
This sums up the military spouse, I had it made into a scroll for my wife she hangs it up in every house we move to.....\n\nThe military wife~ \n---- Author Unknown \n\nThe good Lord was creating a model for military wives and was into His sixth day of overtime when an angel appeared. She said, "Lord, you seem to be having a lot of trouble with this one. What's wrong with the standard model?" \n\nThe Lord replied, "Have you seen the specs on this order. She has to be completely independent, possess the qualities of both a father and mother, be a perfect hostess to four or forty with an hour's notice, run on black coffee, handle every emergency imaginable without a manual, be able to carry on cheerfully, even if she is pregnant and has the flu, and she must be willing to move to a new location ten times in seventeen years. And, oh yes, she must have six pairs of hands!" \n\nThe angel shook her head, "Six pairs of hands? No way. \n\n" The Lord continued,"Don't worry, I will make other military wives to help her. And I will give her an unusually strong heart so it can swell with pride in her husband's achievements, sustain the pain of separations, beat soundly when it is overworked and tired, and be large enough to say, 'I understand' when she doesn't and say 'I love you', regardless." \n\n"Lord," said the angel, touching his arm gently. "Go to bed and get some rest.You can finish this tomorrow." \n\n"I can't stop now," said the Lord. "I am so close to creating something unique. Already this model heals herself when she is sick, can put up six unexpected guests for the weekend, wave good-bye to her husband from a pier, a runway or a depot, and understand why it's important that he leave." \n\nThe angel circled the model of the military wife, looked at it closely and sighed, "It looks fine, but it's too soft." \n\n"She might look soft," replied the Lord. "But she has the strength of a lion. You would not believe what she can endure." \n\nFinally the angel bent over and ran her finger across the cheek of the Lord's creation. "There's a leak," she announced. "Something is wrong with the construction. I am not surprised that it has cracked. You are trying to put too much into this model." \n\nThe Lord appeared offended at the angel's lack of onfidence."What you see is not a leak," He said. "It's a tear." "A tear?" What is it there for?" asked the angel. \n\nThe Lord replied, "It's for joy, sadness, pain, disappointment, loneliness, pride and a dedication to all the values that she and her husband hold dear." \n\n"You are a genius!" exclaimed the angel. \n\nThe Lord looked puzzled and replied, "I didn't put it there."
77905
A guy gets on a plane and finds himself seated next to a cute blonde. He immediately turns to her and makes his move.\n\n \n\n"You know," he says, "I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger. So let's talk."\n\n \n\nThe blonde, who had just opened her book, closes it slowly and says to the guy, "What would you like to discuss?"\n\n \n\n"Oh, I don't know," says the guy. "How about nuclear power?"\n\n \n\n"OK," says the blonde. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff--grass. Yet the deer excretes little pellets, the cow turns out a flat patty, and the horse produces muffins of dried poop. Why do you suppose that is?"\n\n \n\nThe guy is dumbfounded. Finally he replies, "I haven't the slightest idea."\n\n \n\n"So tell me," says the blonde, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"\nHope you find this one funny!!
668091
The Day I Died\n\nIt got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to \naccept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. \nPeter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first \nman, "Tell me about the day you died." \n\nThe man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an \naffair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all \nover the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out \nonto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man \nhanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a \nhammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some \nbushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony \nand it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, \nand I died." \n\nSt. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it \nwas a crime of passion, he let the man in. \n\nHe then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, \nsir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on \nthe balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and \nslipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the \napartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my \nfingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then \nthe guy dropped a refrigerator on me!" \n\nSt. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really \nstart to enjoy this job. \n\n"Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line. \n\n"OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."
630883
This one is on the front page at eBaumsWorld.com: \nMike goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this great big huge guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 lbs, 20 inch penis, testicles 3 lbs each, Turner Brown." Mike just faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, by slapping his face and shaking him. He asks, "Are you OK??" In a very weak voice Mike says, "Excuse me, but what did you just say to me?" The big dude says, "When I saw the curious look on your face, I just figured I'd give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. "I'm 7 feet tall, weigh 350 lbs, have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 lbs each, and my name is Turner Brown." Mike said, "Oh Thank God!!! I thought you said 'Turn Around!'"
230487
BOB:I EDITED IT. I'M LOGGING OUT. TYPE YOUR QUESTIONS. I'LL TRY TO EXPLAIN THEM LATER.\n\nHey "Bob". Now, you need to know that the Koran is poetic. God also said that he kept the planets not colliding with each other. But we know that it is caused by gravity.\n\nGod also said that He is closer to us than the jugular vein. There is a hadith that said that He can ve contained in a pious slave's heart. Now all these references are poetic.\n\nThere are other translations, such as Pickthall's, that translated the word into "heavens".\n \nAccording to Yusuf Ali's translation, it is referred as "rain".\n\nMaybe, just maybe, that He was referring to comets and meteors. Maybe He said "the sky" because 1400 years ago, Arabs didn't know about comets and meteors. The verse also states that it can fall by His leave, His power, it can fall. There are records that meteors have hit the earth. But this is just my opinion.\n\nEDIT: Punishment for satan is in hell. Those verses are talking about the punishments waiting for satan in hell. The words did not say comets, but FIRE.\n\nBesides, you haven't stated your thoughts on the other translations by Pickthall or Yusuf Ali.\n\nEDIT:Oh, wait. I remembered your point of "air falling on earth" thing. Now, as you read it, you do realise that the verse states:\n\n....and the ships that sail through the sea by His Command?...\n\nIf there was a storm or strong wind, rain, etc (the sky falling, as if there was heavy winds, as described poeticly),surely the ship's sailing was to be affected and face possibility of shipwreck?
105159
ME ME ME lol\n\nher is the joke ..hope u like it\n\nThe FBI had an opening for an assassin.\n\nAfter all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists.\n\nTwo men and a woman.\n\nFor the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.\n\n"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances.  Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.\n\nKill Her!"  \n\nThe man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife."  The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job.  Take your wife and go home."\n\nThe second man was given the same instructions.\n\nHe took the gun and went into the room.  All was quiet for about 5 minutes.  The man came out with tears in his eyes,  "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."\n\nThe agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."\n\nFinally, it was the woman's turn.\n\nShe was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.  She took the gun and went into the room.  Shots were heard, one after another.  They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.\n\nAfter a few minutes, all was quiet.  The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.  She wiped the sweat from her brow. \n\n"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
54927
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.\n\nThe seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."\n\n"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."\n\n"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.\n\n"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
262264
Joke: If your uncle jack was on a roof - would you help your uncle jack off??? My girl has cought me many times - It turned her on and we ended up making passionate love!! I thought that was very cool!!!
334678
A married man was having an affair with his secretary. \nOne day, their passions overcame them and they took off for her house, where they made passionate love all afternoon. Exhausted from the wild sex, they fell asleep, awakening around eight PM. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Mystified, she nonetheless complied. He slipped into his shoes and drove home. \n"Where have you been!" demanded his wife when he entered the house. \n"Darling, I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary and we've been having sex all afternoon. I fell asleep and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." \nThe wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"
312566
Wow hahahaha..... like the one:\n\nthere were two women in line to get into heaven. The first one asked the secound one, 'how did you die?' She answered, 'I froze to death.' 'Oh, that must have been horrible!' the first one exclaimed. 'Oh, it wasn't sooo bad,' she assured her,'I just was cold, and got sleepy and then I woke up here. How did you die.' The First lady replied,'I was sure my husband was cheating on me, so I came home early. He was just watching TV in the den. I was sure the other woman was there so I searched everywhere in the house. Under the bed, the closet, drier, everywhere! Finally I was just to exahsted and had a massive heart attack' 'How sad,' the secound woman replied,'If you had just checked the freezer, we'd both still be alive!'\n\nJust liked that joke
211000
True Story: \n\nI was in the basement f'ing around with a television I got out of a dumpster when I literally electrocuted myself. I fell to the ground and could not move. \n\nI prayed to God that my wife upstairs would come find me. \n\nI heard footsteps upstairs... She was headed to the basement door! I could see her shadow approaching it.\n\nI started to thank God for answering my prayer when my wife said: "No wonder it's so cold up here! Shut the God Damn Door!" and she slammed it shut.\n\nAnd I continued to lay there.