My husband and I are overseas and are going through a lot of hard points right now. We are about to move and we have been trying to find a house and jobs. We haven't really had time to be together at all, and it is driving the both of us crazy to know that this loneliness is only going to continue until we get settled when we get back to the states, which no telling how long that will take as well. The sex is good, but there isn't any passion in it for me anymore. He isn't all that happy about it either. I don't like to return the favor and I really don't care for him to go down on me. What should I do about this? I also don't talk to him like I should. Comunication isn't exactly what we are good at and are going to be doing marriage counseling but I don't want to talk about the sexual aspect of it with a thrid party that will be sitting infront of us. It isn't comfortable for me. This is my best medium. I am 21 and he is 31, but he still has a very good sex drive! lol. I'm clueless.
199936
just think about the times when you first started the relationship. reminisce and remember why you fell in love the first time. don't take each other for granted. there are TONS of things that you guys love about each other but just forgot. have a fun evening somewhere nice. don't talk about work. don't talk about problems. just laugh by remembering all the funny stupid things you guys used to do. Good luck. let me know how things work out.
238474
Hello Ninjachik, my wife and I went to counsleing for several years. We had only one problem in our marriage. I wanted sex more than she did. We were great in every other way.\nWe tried 3 different counsleors and what happened to us was after a few sessions, the counselor seemed to side with one of us and then the other person felt like they were being picked on by the counselor and our spouse. We gave up with them and started e-mailing each other! We both literally spilled our guts. We were very open with our feelings and the e-mail allowed us to say what we wanted without the other person interrupting! It took a few months of doing this but within about 2 weeks, we both felt that we were on to something! We both agreed to be more positive about things in general. If one of us was down, the other person picked them up. We both made efforts to do things the other person enjoyed. We started having more sex but I was no longer pressuring her to do this. Without the pressure from me, her desire picked back up! Now after almost 11 years of marriage, we go at it like two teenagers! I am not saying that counselling won't work for the two of you but you could try what worked for us. Talk to your husband and see if he is willing. It does take time but it sounds like you still love him. I will keep an eye on this question and if you want to discuss this more, let me know.\nI wish you and your family the very best of luck!
316605
Be honest and tell him how you feel. It has been proven that couples that were friends first really do make the best mates. Sex is not everything, and a relationship should not be built upon it, however, many are. The difference is that you two have built a caring relationship without sex. You should make an awesome couple and be really happy together. Best of luck to you. Take it from someone who married her best friend and was ecstatically happy until he passed away. Again, good luck.
104864
You need to let him know sex is not something to be ashamed of. It is an expression of the love you two are suppose to share. Try (not saying you don't) showering, feminine cleaning, lotioning, lightly perfuming, lighting candles before he gets home, fix a romantic table (in your room) with flowers & dinner & lying naked on the bed with soft stimulating music playing. If that doesn't work try getting some xxx rated movies to watch together. If that doesn't work then I'm sorry sweetie but it's time for you to move on. Oh ya I forgot to tell you to talk sexy to him & let him know you want to give him the best he's ever had. *ROCK HIS WORLD GIRL!!!!*
73992
Work it out now before you get married; things are only magnified after the marriage.  If you can't talk about things now, marriage will only make it worse, not better.  I would go to a counselor.  If he's not open or willing, is he really who you want to spend the rest of your life with?
153164
Your hormones are raging. Think about it this way. When your older and no longer care about sex that much anymore, are you going to be with someone who loves you and that you love. You want someone who will be your friend when that time comes. For love, you have to make sacrifices. You can't have everything or you might end up with nothing.
227558
I used to practically beg my ex-husband for it... then, after I asked for a divorce, he told me that he was watching movies every night after I went to bed.  (I had no clue & felt so dumb!)  He said that it was because when he was with me it didn't last long (it didn't, maybe 15-20 seconds).  When he, um, took matters into his own hands, he could prolong matters and it felt better.  Then he asked for my help.  It opened the door of communication, I helped with "exercises", but we still divorced.  I was emotionally over him and just drained.  I felt like he lied to me for too many years and he was being selfish.  Don't wait.  Get help now, before it's too late....  What a waste!  We both enjoyed sex - it could have been so much better.
282556
Ah, I am sorry to hear how much this is upsetting you, and I feel sorry for him as well. I wish I had a crystal ball to look into and find out what's really going on here. Something's fishy. \n\nAt the start of many sexual relationships, the lovemaking is hot! It's natural for sex to wane over time and you two were very busy. I sense that there's an undercurrent you need to ferret out, as it seems that he is flat-out avoiding sex with you. \n\nAsk yourself some basic questions: when did things change? Was there an incident that you can remember? Has there been a gradual decline? Has putting on weight, having children, a change in income/earnings or something like that happened? \n\nAs for the importance of this to your relationship, although national studies have shown disparate results, sex is not usually the number one issue in saving a marriage. However, if it's a top need for you and it compounds your feelings of inadequacy, erodes your self-esteem, makes you feel unloved or affects your ability to feel good about yourself in general, then it's time to have a serious heart-to-heart with him. Be gentle when you talk about it and try to understand what's bothering him. After that, you may need to seek professional help either together or alone — or give him up in the end.
450108
So if you split up, then what's gonna happen? You're gonna find somebody you can have amazing sex with but a horrible relationship? What's better? Sex isn't everything you know. You don't have to be at it every night. If you don't have sex for a while then it will be amazing when you do get down to it. Otherwise it is just like eating chocolate for the sake of eating it. Be happy that you have such a soul mate, it is so hard to find somebody like that. It is more important than sex. Think 30-40 years ahead! Do you want to be on your own or do you want to be with a real companion? I say you work at it, agree that you have sex at some intervals and no pressure from either of you. Spontaneity is, like you said before, something to be praised. Spointaneity in sex is the real key to a long relationship. Many marriages fail because the partners aren't friends at all. They are just former sex partners but they can't find each other interesting anymore. So just think about it. If it ain't broke, don't fix it!
308269
You weren't successful because you were trying to fill a bigger void than you probably thought.  Sex is an emotional event that gets better when there is an attachment.  Women are by nature also more likely to become attached.  You are going to be unhappy until you either fix your marriage or get out of it.  So many people stay married for the kids.  Be careful about that.  If you and your husband are unhappy and have a loveless marriage, your kids will notice.  And, you are teaching them how to define a healthy marriage.  When they grow up seeing little affection between the two of you, they will grow up and find themselves in relationships that are lacking and unfulfilling.  I am sure, as a mother, you don't want to pass that lesson on.  These are serious issues that you should consider talking with a professional about.  If you have extramarital sex and become attached to another man, you will make yourself really miserable and confused.  It is like test driving a Mercedes when you have no ability to buy one.  It makes your Ford seem really crappy.  Know what I mean?\n\nIf you just want the occassional physical gratification, get out of town, and find someone who is also out of town.  Again, there are issues and dangers there, so think it through.\n\nGood luck to you.
666304
I have been in the same shoes as you... and the sad thing is that no couples really like to discuss their sex lives when it isnt at its best because it's a sensitive subject and no one wants to hurt anyone.... so usually these things never get discussed and just get worse.\n\nI explained to my husband  that by his lack of initiation, I felt like he had no desire for me, and that he was only doing it out of obligation or for not wanting me to find someone else. \n\nInitiating sex is saying to your significant other "I want you, I desire you" and sometimes we want to feel that way back. Let your wife know that you need to feel that too.... \n\nIt sounds to me like she never initiated... and this could be because of the way she was raised, or she has it in her head that the man has to make all the moves. Some women think that if she takes the lead, her man will feel like less of a man etc... so she could have good reasons for not doing it. \n\nGentle talking, and explain the whole "desire" thing that I explained and who knows... maybe you will unleash something you never expected... ;)\n\nGood Luck\nTawny
252448
I really think you guys need to sit down and talk.  Tell him EXACTLY how you feel.  trust me, not talking is worse. My husband and I never talked about our feelings, and if your on here a lot you know my situation. If not, after 20yrs. of marriage, I'm looking at DIVORCE.
386580
Well... tell you what, if the gf's are not a good sub, then go out to a toy store and get a best friend, there are alot of toys that will do the trick if you miss him sexually.   If you are just missing his company then consider getting a puppy.  They really work!  I am a single mom of two and my puppy takes my mind off things, feeling lonely and so on.\n\n If your hubby is working hard to provide you and your future family with a comfortable life, be grateful!   He is not spending his time out there having an affair or partying with  his buddies and getting drunk and mistreating you.  He needs for you to be supportive.  I know it is hard sometimes, in some situations not to be selfish, we all want to be 100% happy but usually this spells out sacrifice.  Enjoy this "free time" on your own, once you start having children trust me...your whole world is going to be turned around in a 360.  Get a toy!  Get a dog!  Good luck in your marriage.  :)
251592
WElcome to marriage.\n\n"The longer your married, the longer you go without sex."\n\nNothing it's fine, so long as you still feel attracted to your man. If not, then you need to do some soul searching are you still in love or just to lazy to move on
71807
I fully understand your crisis. My EX-HUSBAND of 10 years went into the military and we basically kepted in contact by phone. He would also come home once in a blue moon and finally after completing 5 years in the Air Force, he one day surprised me by appearing at the door step. Our daughter was 5 years old at the time and I had already built a complete seperate lifestyle without him. I was working full-time and a student along with caring for our daughter, home, bills, etc. \n\nUpon his arrival, I felt so claustrophobic and found myself everyday becoming more and more frustrated. Even my boss pulled me aside and told me about the change in behavior. AND I dropped out of college, just couldn't function. Finally, after (1) year living together...I hate to say it..BUT, I left him and went back to what I knew...went to what truly made me happy. Today, he's re-married and very happy with the women who worships the ground he walks on. I don't regret what I did one bit. \n\nI'm not telling you that the easy way out of a situation is to just walk away. BUT, from the sound of things, not only are you not thinking of having a family, but second guessing on living with your husband. Apparently, you are not ready to give up your privacy nor space. A marriage counselor would be suggested in this situation...but at the same time, YOU have to also sit back and soul-search, because only YOU know what your heart desires.\n\nI would suggest that you speak with him and in a hurry, before allowing yourself to be unhappy in this marriage.   Do yourself a favor and break it to him gently. Because as a married women age (35), within a year, you will end up looking (50) from stress, frustration, and unhappiness.
312784
That is very strange...my husband and I are going through the same thing right now.  We've been married for 11 years  It has been frustrating.  Lack of passion has been the worst I think.  We are however determined to get through this funk.  He is reading a book called "For Men Only" and I am reading the companion book called "For Women Only" it's by the authour Feldman, Shaunti. Another good one is "His Needs, Her Needs" I can't think of the author off the top of my head but it's a good read too.  I hope that helps and I hope that you two will become more passionate and in love because of it.  Best wishes...   :)
287735
I actually just told my husband to leave me alone the other day,but he asked me what was wrong and I said,'hormones...just leave me alone'. He did though and I felt better after having some time to myself. I think your husband needs to realize that no one is happy all of the time. We all need time to ourselves and it is good for you and good for the marriage to be able to take this time. As for having a big blow-out about it...I would've walked away. I don't take that crap anymore. It isn't worth it to me to talk til I'm blue in the face,trying to explain 'why'. I shouldn't have to. An argument doesn't really get you anywhere. I tend to wait until things have settled down and then have a conversation about it and find out what he is feeling then. I gave up a long time ago on trying to justify myself to him. We actually have a better marriage this way. Good luck to you.