My partner went through a messy divorce a couple of years ago. Prior to him going away on Op Tour with the forces 3 months ago, he was terrified of the idea of being married and making such a big commitment again (even though we live together) to the point where we almost split a couple of times as it just hurt so much. He came home for a week's R&R and has suddenly changed his mind about everything - he knows where he wants to get married, he wants to have a child with me... obviously I am happy, but, having never been in such a situation as in the middle of a desert in Iraq, it is hard to tell what is going through his mind. Is it possible he really has seen the light, or could he just be apeasing me? I know this sounds odd, but I would never want him doing something he isn't 100% happy with, as that is a recipe for disaster.
215600
I think he just felt alone while in Iraq. And missed you. And he realizes how much he loves you and that's why he changed his mind.
43232
It (probably) means that it wasn't meant to be. You two have lived it up and have produced two lovely children. I'm sure the both of you love them more than life itself. But perhaps that's where it ends...It seems like you have tried everything. Hell, you even went to counseling. Good job on both of your parts. You two want it to work. Maybe you're going through a phase? Maybe you should spice things up a bit. Join a club together, join together in a new sport, go hiking, camping, maybe you could spend less time with each other. Mabe ALL you need is a BREAK. C'mon now...16 years together. THAT tells you something. It cannot just stop like that. Do not give up. There is a reason why the two of you are together. There is a reason why you met, why you got married, why you decided to create children. Reminisce together about the days when you were younger, the crazy things you guys did for each other, the first time you told each other 'I Love you', etc. Do not give up. If it's an attraction/physical thing, work it out (Literally). Get sexy, make him look at you like you're the hottest thing to have walked this earth. It's not over sweetie. I believe in you guys.
341730
he's acting like that because you are going to be divorced soon and I bet he is married.... just from the way he is reacting, so move on dear - and give yourself time to heal completely before trying to get into another relationship. (you have to resolve all the issues that lead to your failed marriage - if you don't you'll drag that old baggage into another relationship.) If there was anything there you two would of met in person.... you talked for a long time without meeting and that should of told you something about him. (I've only met one man online who wasn't married and he was honest with me about his personal life and that's the man I'm married to! We talked for about 2 months and then we met in person - he helped me with coming to Canada to meet him.... and we "clicked" - and got married 3 months later! We have been married for 4 yrs. as of Sept.28th).... While I was single and chatting with men online for years --- they all turned out to be married or living with someone(with whom they had kids with).
300874
When my boyfriend returned home, for the first few weeks he acted fine, a little different and jumpy, and he spent alot of money, he would just go and buy whatever he wanted, and after a few weeks, it all hit him.  he started getting depressed and wouldnt hardly leave the house. He tried pushing everyone that cared about him away.  Now after a year he still has his moments but for the most part he's doing fine.  He still has nightmares and things like that but the most you can do is be there for him, just let him know that you are there for him to talk to, but dont push him to talk, he will on his own time.  War changes people, my boyfriend will never be the same person he was when he left, but i thank god every day that he is home safe.  Your boyfriend may or may not have the same symptoms mine did, but if you need to talk about it you can im me.  Thank your boyfriend for me, all of the Soldiers are my heroes.
210982
I know what you mean.  My husband is a soldier in the Army.  We spend a lot of time apart with him in very dangerous situations. It would be really easy to get down, or be negative.  I just keep in mind that my husband is a great and brave man fighting for those too weak to fight for themselves.  What keeps me going is the pride I feel for him, and the wonderful moments come everyday when you treasure each other the way we do.\n\nGet Blessed!
432008
I don't want to be critical, but I want to be honest in my answer.\n\nI had this same fear after my 2nd marriage ended.  Thank goodness I had a dear friend who saw what I was experiencing and helped me rebuild my self-esteem and helped me "find myself".  I realized that I was not happy with myself and that I needed to be before I got involved again.  This was not a quick process.  And it was a lonely one.  But I thank God every day that I went through it.  When I quit looking and found out that I actually liked myself, I found a great guy.  He and I are no longer together, but I found that I am a complete person without a man.  This has given me a whole new perspective on life and relationships.  Since then, I have met and dated a much higher quality of men.  The man I'm seeing now is a wonderful and thoughtful man who is a good father and is concerned about the people around him.  This is want I wanted and what found me.\n\nI hope my experience can help!
100529
Divorce sucks, but I wouldn't let the potential keep me from getting married.  Just make sure you really believe it's someone you want to spend your life with.  I know that's easier said than done, but be strong, and be honest with yourself and your partner, and you shouldn't have anything to worry about.  I wish you all the hapiness and luck in your relationships.
547792
There are many factors to consider before I can adequately answer your question ---\n\n1.  How long have you been married?\n2.  Do you still love him or are you just accustomed to him being around?\n3.  What do your marriage vows truly mean to both of you?  Is divorce actually an option, or are you willing to do whatever it takes to make your marriage work?\n\nI can only imagine the emotions you must be feeling - just remember this:  even the best of partners don't wake up 'in love' with each other every single day!  There is a healthy ebb and flow to each marriage.  When my husband was still active military, we went thru this and decided to just start over.   That's right!  It only took one week of courting and rediscovering each other all over again - it truly helps to uncover the person you fell in love with and allows you to fall deeper in love with him.  Ask and see if he would consider trying this before any final decisions are made.\n\nThe bottom line is that you loved him enough to stand before God and promise to stay married until one of you died!  I truly hope you can work it out - God bless!
667623
no sure how long you two have been dating, but beware.  Guys who usually rush into marriage thinking should send up warning flags.  I was in a relationship that moved like that one, and he was very emotionally abusive, and would most likely have been physically abusive if we had gotten married.
390197
B4 my husband and I got married he was still talking/writting (really sweet emails) to his ex who cheated on him....I found out accidentally...anyway....I wanted to leave...he started begging and crying....so I stayed...like an idiot and even married him....bad mistake...he still talks to a different ex, whom he sends money to...(my hard earned money)....I am about to divorce him...and he did that crying crap again...I told him to F... off! oh and he is in the military...wonder what they do during deployments???...well some of them anyway.\n\nso yes it hurts...because I trusted him not to cheat on me....and we have 2 lil babies....anyway...they are better off without him....since he doesn't have time for them...I can conquer the world...I am smart and educated and can look after the well being of my babies....and he can go ahead and catch a STD..who cares...lol!!!  All the best!
132758
From what you are saying, it sounds like you may be all ready for a relationship, but he is not.\n\nThough, honestly, if you already have children with the guy and yet he is still not "ready" for a commitment - then you probably need to get rid of him. He is not for you. If he does not have the maturity to take responsibility in his life to care for his lady and his kids by at least becoming a legal husband and parent, then there is most likely some serious issue he needs to get over.\n\nI would recommend seeing a counseling psychologist, believe it or not. They really can help in these kinds of situations and will be able to offer some excellent, customised-for-you-and-him advice. That is probably the best route, if you cannot get anything out of him by sitting down and talking, seriously, directly with him. He needs to understand that not only do you want to be married, that you also feel that it is right to get married.\n\nSaying it's "too expensive" is a total cop-out, no questions about it. If two people really wished to (and, hey, when I marry I plan to do something along these lines), they could have a tiny wedding, and cut to the chase right away. "You want to get married? Yeah? Okay then. You're married." Not difficult at all.\n\nAnyway, you need to talk to him about this, and if that does not get you anywhere, try speaking with a personal counselor. I loathe to sound cold, but you may be with a guy who just does not deserve your time and patience.
55362
Marriage is a big decision.  Perhaps your fight has caused him to reexamine the relationship.  This is a good thing -- if more people slowed down and examined their relationships to determine whether or not they were compatible before jumping into marriage, we might have a lower divorce rate.  What he is doing is being cautious and you can't fault him for that.  He still cares for you.  He just wants to make sure you are the one.
490448
Can i answer yes to all of the above? \n\nThe reasons why i considered divorcing my husband stemmed from alot of  issues that werent cleared up through communication, the things that came after that - were like a chain reaction....but i will start at the beginning.\nMy husband and i met for the second time, about 6 years ago, (having already met him before about 10years ago.)\ninitially things went well, we had fun, went out, visited friends, generally just did things that couples do.....\n\nAbout three years ago, he and his friends were unfairly dismissed from a job they all worked at, and decided upon opening a company of their own....originally this meant long hours, but eased of after about a year, which i completely understood, i knew he had to work so that we could have the things we wanted, we also decided to get married around this time also...which meant i was also very busy, (due to the fact that i also ran a full time business myself), so aside from us both working full time, there were wedding plans to see to as well. \n\nAround the time we decided to get married, was when the problems started, he was staying later and later at work, i my calls when i asked him to come home, (mind you this is at 10.30 at night), and just generally stopped telling me anything......\n\nWe were fighting all the time, because i felt i was being kept in the dark about things, he was constantly berating me and putting me down, because things werent being done around our home(we both worked 6 days a week at this time), he was refusing to listen to me, and i never heard about what kind of day he had although i asked quite often, all in all it was a major lack of communication on his part, he was getting feedback from me about my daily life, but i was geting nothing in return.....I put up with alot from him for a long time.....hoping things would improve......\n\nTwo years ago we got married, even though i was well aware there were still issues, we did it anyway, hoping some commitment might change things....it did for a while......soon we were back to the same old issue where he just wasnt communicating.\n\nOne day about a year and a half ago, he came home early telling me he had a headache, and went straight to bed, i left him alone, for about an hour, after a while i went to check on him, and found he was crying like a baby balled up on our bed....very confused and bewildered i went to him to find out what was happening.....which is where i found that there had been hassles at work (which had been going on for sometime, but nobody knew, as he wouldnt speak to anyone about it.) , he told me that one of his closest friends was going to be getting the sack (fired), and as he was CEO of the company didnt know how to tell them.......At this point i sat him down and said to him, you need to tell *David*, what is happening so that he can be prepared.....\n\nAs it goes *David* got fired, and as he was pre warned, moved into another position straight away, with his own business, through financial backing from my husband and myself, on the premise that my husband would also leave and join him as soon as he could.......\n\nThis was just over a year ago....*David's* business is now flourishing, doing much better than my husband or his other co- workers ever thought he could......Initially i was spending the occasional day there helping out when i could so that things werent so hectic for *David*, in that time, he and i have become very close, close to the point where his girlfriend has accused us of having an affair....(it hasnt happened....) because we enjoyed each others company so much, and the fact that we felt that we were the only ones being honest with anyone.....In this time i have found myself to be deeply in love with *David*, and its not because we have planned it, or that we wanted to hurt anyone, it has just happened, out of respect for  my husband and *David* and his girlfriend, there is no way that i could over step the boundaries
380596
I'm going through the same thing. And I know someone who went through it and is happily married now. So that makes me optimistic. I guess what I'm saying is NEVER SETTLE... Don't u want to b happy.
296610
You don't have two personalities what you do have is a part of you that desires intimacy and affection. I think you are torn between your values and your emotional and physical needs. I have to commend you for your commitment to your marriage but how do you do it if he is so far away?  As much as you have all the best intentions I can't imagine having my husband in another country it would make me feel like i wasn't married. Does your husband have plans on coming home soon? If he doesn't and you do find the courage to separate from your husband it does not mean you didn't try to make it work or did something wrong. Unless the way you feel right now changes. If the need for an intimate relationship still haunts you, you have to seriously consider moving on so you can be whole again.
156744
Being a Drill Sgt, is no picnic.  They work long long hours and get no days off.  They live with these men and women.  I know it has to be hard on you being a spouse.  I've been in the military and was married to a military man and it's not easy.  There is a high divorce rate in the military and with Drill Sgt.  You sound like you are very grounded and very supportive of your husband and should be commended.  One day he will be out of the service and you will have him all to yourself but in the mean time, support him and love him.  It sounds like you have a good man and remember he is doing a great service to his country.  So many people marry military people and don't understand that it's not a 9 to 5 job, and you have alerts, and you move out, and you have duty to pull and you don't get weekends off and you get deployed..As hard as this is for some people to understand but you serve your country.  I've always believed that before someone gets married to someone in the military they really need to have some kind of counseling and some understanding of what a service member has to do and respect that and support them.  I think things will be okay for you and your husband, you sound grounded and you are aware that what he is doing is not easy for him either.  Good Luck...
301716
If you have not experienced PTSD, it's hard to explain the feeling.  If you know any older citizens who served in the Gulf War,  Vietnam War or even World War II, for instance, you can ask them about being "shell shocked", or PTSD.  For some people it never goes away.  I know from experience (an almost fatal auto accident that crippled me and took my professional life away at no fault of my own) that it's still there, under the surface, after 5 years.  However, I made myself get in the car and deal with it.  I think your b/f is on the right track and I'm impressed that he's willing to face his greatest fears.  You go ahead and encourage him every way you can and let him be a man and have a full life again without being co-dependent on anyone else.  He doesn't need to be an emotional cripple. What would he do if you weren't there to drive him??  He'll be proud of himself before long.  A pat on the back goes a long way.  So he might have stressful moment or two; he can learn to deal with it and get stronger and should continue to get professional help as long as he needs it.  He probably is feeling guilty as hell because he lived; not to mention every thing else involved.  Let him go...give him a nudge and hold him when he needs it.  Encourage him to help others with this problem.  Helping is great healing therapy for him and others.  He'll be living with this for a long time.  God bless you both.