is it to let go of your anger toward someone, or to stop dwelling on it and be like erything is ok again? do you have to tell them you forgive them?
209060
Forgivness starts within your heart and mind.  You need to let go of the anger/hate/jelousy ... what ever the negative sympton is that poisens you.  Once you've made peace with the wrong doing, you can turn to the person/thing that wronged you.  This is the tricky part.\n\nForgivness is also mutual ... You could forgive <which free's u from hate/anger/jeolosy> however, the person you're forgving may not want to be forgiven.  Example ... your spouce may have cheated on you and does not want forgivness.  They would rather get a divorce and they wanted to hurt you.  See, forgivness isn't mutual here.  You still need to find that place where you rid yourself of negativity, and remove yourself from the person who does not want forgivness.\n\nReligion does a great job of teaching us about forgiveness.  Confessions are one of the first lessons we get about forgivness.  Three acts are required from the Penitent <us sinners who WANT to be forgiven> for forgivness through the sacrament of confession.  These are Contrition, confession, and satisfaction.\n\nContrition is sincere sorrow for having offended God, the most important act of penitent.  There can be no forgiveness of sin if we do not have sorrow and a firm resolve to not repeat our sin.  See if we were married and cheated on our spouse the first step is for us to feel sorry that we cheated and to resolve in our heart not to cheat again; flip side, if your spouse has cheated on you, they willing have to be sorry and willingly have to resolve not to cheat on you again.  \n\nConfession requires confronting our sins in a profound way before God by acknowledging them aloud to a priest.  The priest is a conduit to God in confession.  In the marriage if you cheated on your spouse, you must go to the spouse and inform them of the affair; flip side, if your spouse cheates on you, then they need to come to you ... hiring a private detetive leads you down a path where you'll forgive but they aren't ready to be forgiven.\n\nSatisfaction is the "penance" the priest imposes on the penitent to make amends for sin, an important part of our healing.  Once you've cheated on your spouse, you need to make it up to your spouse <give up your computer/phone/whatever caused you to stray>; flip side, if your spouse cheated on you, they need to give up whatever was the temptation to lead them to stray.  \n\nIn today' Western culture, it seems that cheating spouses dont' heal because they don't work their way through the basic forgiveness techniques <Contrition, Confession, and Satisfation>.  Instead most are stuck at level 1: Contrition.  If the couples make it to level 3 "Penance" then victim spouse ususally does not have the courage to require a healing penance to their spouse.
616220
There is no excuse for not admitting or apologizing for something you have done to another... that is if you are truly sorry for what you have done...especially if it is someone you love...For someone to not do so is just childish and selfish...or maybe the person doesn't think he or she has done anything wrong at all...or maybe they don't realize the extent of the hurt they have caused...If that is the case you need to let them know the pain they have caused and if they still don't get it...You must know your worth and not allow that person do hurt you ever again.\n\nRemember: "Know Your Worth or No One Else Will"...Good Luck
288872
I personally think violence is something that may help the person to feel better at the time while they are being violent but at the end of the day the problem will still exist and if anything they would feel worse as they would eventually realize that the person who they were violent to may be laughing inside as the violence towards them just demonstrated that what they did has got at the other person and this may be something they were actually trying to do in the first place. In regards to being violent to someone who has hurt a loved one or friend, it is still something that may make the person feel better for a short while but then they may realize that it hasn't changed the past and what may have happened. I personally believe in using your head and words when dealing with people who make you feel like doing this. Bruises heal but words are stronger and tend to stay in the back of the other person's mind.
555892
not really understanding the question fully.  do you mean you've done something you're sorry for???    i think you're trying to forgive yourself and move past the shame and guilt for what you did by reflecting on WHY you did it.  which means you're growing not only intellectually, but spiritually as well.  good luck on your journey.  you've been blessed to have a mind that's open enough to understand.  go with it.
335511
Forgiveness is for your sake, not theirs.  If you have it in your heart to forgive, do it!
645437
Seeking professional help might be the best way to go...\n\nIf you can figure out on your own what makes you so angry...(perhaps your past...) then you forgive ((forgiving someone or everyone is for you...NOT for them. AND it doesn't mean you put yourself in the same situation to allow it to happen again)), let go of the anger and move forward in a more positive light...\n\nGrace to you and God Bless
43986
Without more information, it would be difficult for me to say. \n\nIn my own personal experience, I've noticed that the more trauma a relationship survives, the stronger it becomes. As long as the two people are strong enough to forgive eachother and move on. Sometimes minor hang-ups turn into major problems when someone won't let go of their anger.\n\nI'm not the type to encourage people to "dump him, you deserve better" If you found someone who you can love, and loves you, problems are worth working out. \n\nIt sounds like what you need now is to define the boundries of your relationship. What kind of needs does he have? What about your own? What are you both willing to offer eachother?\n\nHas he grown from his mistakes, or is he regrouping to make more mistakes? Get him to start talking, and be prepared to repair the damage or cut your losses and move on.
127988
I'm sorry that you were treated so badly. I recognise the anger you feel. I've had the same experience myself and I know how much it hurt me. \nBest advice I suggest is do nothing. \nThis person has probably long forgotton about you. Getting your vengence on this person more than likely will not make you feel any better. If anything, you may even end up feeling a little guilt. \nThe things that happened to you were wrong, but its happened and you can't change that. It might help to find a way of dealing the anger you feel in another way that could maybe help others. \nI guess this may not be what you are looking for. All I can say is, its helped me.
41899
I had that problem as well for a while so I sat down and wrote out what I thought on it from what I knew and learned.  It's long so bear with it...\n\nWhat is forgiveness?Each person has their own definition of it. To some it is never talking about it again. For others its pretending whatever it was never happened. Still others think its absolution of guilt and minimizing what happened. Still others it means giving up thoughts of revenge. Finally, some feel it is as simple as giving up the hate. Which is right?\nOK, let’s start somewhere else… Firstly, why SHOULD you forgive? Is it really necessary? That is dependant a lot of you and your school of thought. Most Christians point to the phrases in the bible and say it’s gods plan. Others are more apt to put forth the proposal that is makes you a better person. But does it? Is it truly necessary to forgive someone to grow? My personal belief is this; it depends on what you are forgiving. Some things are small and don’t really mean that much so it’s not a big deal, forgiveness is easy there. But what about bigger things? Things that affect your life and your mental health? That is where it gets more complex… Anger, hatred and rage are there for a reason some times, all of us have felt them at some point in time, they are normal. They are there to tell you something is wrong and you need to work through it. Depending on the offense forgiveness isn’t automatic. It takes time. Sometimes forgiveness is NEVER warranted, EVER. Think about it, why should you forgive someone that isn’t the least repentant for what they did to you? Then there are truly evil acts that should never warrant forgiveness. Yet as mature adults we, mostly from teachings when we were small children, feel that we have to forgive someone no matter how heinous the crime. Step back a bit and think about that… Then ask yourself why? Why are you forgiving them? Is it because that is how you feel or is it because you were once told that is the proper thing to do? Which is it? What we are never taught as a child is that anger is healthy and the expression of such is right, we sometimes have a reason to feel that anger. And to get better that anger is needed. Only after you have worked through that stage should you consider forgiveness. Even then sometimes you don’t need to forgive someone. I hear the gasp from here so bear with me… Why should you have to forgive someone when you don’t feel it is warranted? The answer is you shouldn’t. There is nothing in this world that tells you it’s a requirement. Think about it; aren’t there some things done that don’t ever warrant it? No, forgiveness doesn’t make you better than them, really it doesn’t. Forgiveness will not get you into heaven faster. Forgiveness won’t make what is done to you go away. Forgiveness truly can only come when YOU are ready for it, not before. If that never happens then so be it. Just because you don’t and can’t forgive someone doesn’t mean you are filled with hate and rage, it just means you are unable to make that step because you don’t feel it is warranted, no other reason.\nSay you are ready to forgive someone for something fairly big, OK your ready to tell them all that and shine your halo a bit. But before it goes that far mayhap you should ask what their definition of it is. If it is we will never discuss it again, it never happened or that it’s an absolution of guilt back off! That is not forgiveness, they want you to forget it happened and let them off the hook. That is not forgiveness. Just because you FORGIVE them doesn’t take away their culpability in the matter or make it so it never happened. No way, doesn’t work like that. If they want absolution send them to church, that is the only place they will get it! No one ever said if you forgive them that you can’t ever talk about it, they just don’t want to is all. Forgive and forget is all wrong because as much as you try you will NEVER
452298
The feelings that you are feeling are a form of grief.  You are grieving for the marriage you wish you could have had with him. These feelings will remain with you until you find a way in your heart to forgive him for what you feel he took from you. This is not something that people can advise you about in this limited format.\n\nI too was trained in the art of rage and hate as a child. It stayed with me for almost 50 years. I thought that the rage was in control of me until something showed me that it was a simple choice that I myself was making. At first this idea seemed preposterous. A friend suggested that I get a book called the course in miracles. I thought this sounded stupid  and I resisted the idea.\n\nEventually I gave in because I was so miserable that I would have tried anything to get free of the debilitating rage and hatred that was so much a part of my life. \n\nThe course showed me things that I had never dreamed of. It taught me that I was in control of my thoughts, and that my anger was the product of the way that I had been taught to view the world. I learned that my anger was the product of my expectations and often my expectations were illogical.\n\nMost of all the course taught me the power of forgiveness. Learning to forgive was the key to freeing myself from the self inflicted pain of the hate that I had learned to carry with me through life.\n\nI suggest you get a copy of the course in miracles and see if it can help you the way it helped me.\n\nIf you think I can be of any help email.\n\nI wish you peace of mind dear Sister.\n\nLove and blessings Don
637486
I won't bash a fellow Pagan, but I agree that we should rise above, not rise against. Why should we lower ourselves to petty insults and bashing? If we are angry or hurt because others have attacked us, we should not seek to become that which has caused us pain. To carry that negativity around with us is far more harmful than to walk away and leave it at its source.
15709
I have done that.  I hate to hurt someone's feelings and to say "I'm just plain tired of you" or I'm sick of your whining about everything", would do that so instead I've told him we need time apart to reevaluate our feelings. \n\nThe better way for me seems to be to say "I just don't feel we are meant for each other". "There are just too many issues we disagree on".  That seems to work without doing too much damage.\n\nIt isn't hard for me to make the decision to end a relationship because if I really want it to end, there is a reason and I just remember that reason is important to me.
3755
I can certainly relate to what you are going through.  I, too, am a giver, and I have felt so drained of everything after being repeatedly used by someone. Yes, it does hurt badly to be liked for only what you have or can give!  I agree that you should be quick to forgive, and not just when it feels right.  However, you can forgive someone but still keep a healthy distance from that person if they continue doing things to hurt you.  Someone who is TRULY sorry won't keep using and abusing you.  I would suggest you try reading the book "Safe People" by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. It really deals with this very issue and shows you how to safely choose people who are not going to treat you as a door mat.  In the mean time, go on forgiving, but set up some boundaries for yourself and don't allow people to walk on you.  Choose your friends wisely.  You can still love them, and pray for them, that they will come to see how they have treated you, but you don't want to give them the go-ahead for mistreating you.  If they are truly your friends, they will stop and never do it again.  If not, it's time to meet some new people.
89635
think about when somebody makes you mad.  what do you want that person to do? apologize? give you space? comfort you? what? i suggest that you try what ever would work on you.  use your own judgment.
645631
decide that you can only change your feelings. mind over matter. just decide that you're going to forgive them and move on! you can pray for help too, it'll help you gain the peace you seek.
524506
Some good answers here. If they bring you lunch, that is a nice gesture. If they sense that they have hurt you in some way, but have a difficult time apologizing or making amends, this lunch may be saying, "Please forgive me"...\n\nAlways, accept a sincere apology or gesture. Your sins or misdeeds will be forgiven as well.\n\n If they can't be sincere about an apology, don't continue to be mad. That only makes you suffer. Their lack of sincerity and compassion will give them peace of mind, while you are still upset from their insensitivity. So, if a person upsets you and coldly remarks, "sorry"...that might not give you the satisfaction of an apology. But, if you accept the "weak" apology (reluctantly) you won't have to carry the burden of that anger and frustration that they brought you anymore\n\nFunny how that works...
75385
You are ultimately responsible for your actions.  If someone wrongs you then you have to decide how to react.  If you are angry then that is your choice.  It doesn't mean that you don't have a right to be angry or shouldn't be angry, it just means that you chose to be angry.  The other person isn't responsible for your reaction, but they are responsible for having failed to meet an obligation and they are responsible for creating a situation that had a negative affect on you.  So over all you are responsible for you choice but that doesn't let them off scott free to do as they please and blame you.