My husband and I seperated 13 months ago. He moved away to another city and began seeing another woman. He recently lost his father to cancer so I felt I had to be there for him. After spending some time together we decided to make our marriage work. About a month ago I find out he has a 2 mo. old baby boy with this woman. My heart hurts so much, and i've been crying for days, not being able to concentrate on my children or my job...I've tried to be understanding and telling myself that this baby does need its father, because he wasn't asked to be brought here..But at the same time I can't let this baby into my life.. Am i being selfish, cold-hearted,or just jealous because I can't have anymore children myself..PLEASE HELP ME THROUGH THIS ONLY SERIOUS ANSWERS PLEASE..BROKEN HEARTED AND SICK TO MY STOMACH....
210721
My heart truly goes out to you and I know if I found myself in this situation it would totally crush me also.  You are perfectly normal reacting the way you are.  It would be extrmely hard to let this child into your life because its like a kick in the teeth each and everytime you see the child.  Its a constant reminder of what has happenned.  Try thinking of it this way:  You were seperated when this happenned so atleast technically it was not an affair.  Your husband thought his marriage was over and didnt think u loved him anymore so he turned to find comfort else where.  BUT he loves YOU and now u r back together and trying to work it all out.  I know it will be very very difficult for u cuz I know it would be for me but you are right- this child does need a father in his life.  You r right- he did not ask for this to happen to him- and he didnt pick his parents.  Take the time you need to sort thru your feelings and talk and confide ALL your feelings with your husband.  Let him know u need time to adapt to this major shock in your life.  You need to search your heart and soul.  If you truly love your husband and cannot imagine life without him- then some way some how you will eventually have to adjust to this child.  YOU DO NOT EVER HAVE TO ACCEPT this other woman.  In fact I suggest u never even meet the woman or see her!  Thats just TOO much to ask of your already broken heart!  But remember- this is an innocent child- after you have searched your heart- try to come to terms with this.  If you cannot you will have to end the marriage.  Remember:  U were seperated when this happenned!  Good luck to you sweetheart and my heart is with you.  Feel free to e mail me ANYTIME at cstinkerbell6969@yahoo.com  YOU DO HAVE A FRIEND and confidant out in this world!  I wish you the greatest success in all you do!
120302
HAVE YOU TRIED TELLING HIM HOW YOU FEEL!? LETTING GO IS NEVER EASY ESPECIALLY WHEN YOUR AROUND ONE ANOTHER ALL THE TIME!! BUT, AS A WISE PERSON ONCE SAID, "WHAT DOESN'T KILL US WILL MAKE US STRONGER" AN I BELIEVE THIS TO BE TRUE! I THINK YOU OUGHT TO STOP SEEING EACH OTHER ALL TOGETHER UNTIL THE BABY IS BORN(SURE LET HIM COME TO DR. APPT. AN STUFF) BUT AS FAR AS SEEING ONE ANOTHER DON'T DO IT! THIS WAY IT WILL GIVE YOU THE TIME YOU NEED TO GET OVER HIM AN HE CAN STILL BE INVOLVED IN THE BABIES LIFE!!! AN THEN AFTER THE BABY IS BORN AN IF YOU STILL FEEL THE NEED TO BE AWAY FROM HIM THEN TELL HIM! THERE ARE MANY WAYS OF PARENTS RAISING THEIR CHILDREN WITHOUT HAVING TO BE AROUND ONE ANOTHER! I KNOW THIS CAN'T BE EASY FOR YOU(BEING PREGNANT) AN ALL!! BUT, I WISH YA THE BEST AN HOPE THAT MY ADVICE CAN BE SOME HELP TO YOU! IF YA WANT YOU CAN EMAIL ME AN I'LL TRY TO HELP ANYWAY I CAN!!!\n\n\nBEST OF LUCK!!!
446565
My wife and I divorced when our sons were 5 and 2 1/2.  It was a miserable experience.  The divorce was painful because I didn't feel like I belonged anywhere anymore.  There was no normality.  Even more painful was not being with my sons everyday.  The hurt will not disappear overnight.  You probably don't want to hear this but it just takes some time.  One thing that will help is to maintain a civil relationship with your ex, but while the hurt is still there try to restrict your conversations to the children.  As for the children, do whatever you can to make sure you have as much time with them as you possibly can.  Focus your energy on making sure they know you want them around and that your home is also their's and they aren't just visitors.  I know the pain you are feeling and my heart goes out to you.  This won't make the hurt go away completely, but it does give you something to sort of hang-on to that is positive.
202355
I am the same way that you are, the guy I am with is the one for me as well, and we also have a baby on the way. But my jealousy and Insecurity did kind of hurt us, because things are not the same right now, and we are both trying to get back to the way we were, because we both really love each other, and do not want to lose one another, plus we want to because of the baby. I had to learn the hard way to not be that way, because he would never do anything to hurt me. So the best advice I can give you, is just dont let your jealousy get in the way, I mean it isnt going to go away, just dont let it get the best of you, because he will either change (not for the good), or he will end up leaving you. I had a bad past too, and this guy I am with is PERFECT for me, so just try your hardest to let go of your past, and tell yourself that this is your present, and can also be your future if you just let all the bad stuff go. Trust me, I do not wanna be the jealous type anymore either, but it is just something that is hard to get rid of. If he has been able to handle it this long, then he is a great guy, my boyfriend put up with it for a LONG time, but theres only so much one guy can take, so please stop while you are ahead. I hope this helps some.
156926
You and your husband are separating because you couldn't get along being married to each other, so there shouldn't be any problems now. You sound like you may be a little bitter, get over the fact that he has a new female friend. It was bound to happen, unfortunately it was a lot sooner than you would have liked. Learn to get along with your ex for the sake of your son, he is the only person that should matter to both of you in this situation. Don't let your anger or hurt of him having a new female friend get in your way of good parenting. If you have concerns that your son may be confused about daddy's new friend you should discuss this calmly with your ex-husband about how the two of you should approach this with him. Let him know your thoughts and concerns about how this may affect your son. Also, if him having someone else is upsetting your feelings don't be afraid to be honest with him about that. Let him know that this is not easy for you, but that you are trying and would appreciate him acknowledging your feelings during this difficult time. If the two of you can learn to get along it will make for a healthy and happy life for your son and eventually for you too. Good luck to you through this difficult time.
163086
Look I went through the same thing with my ex wife ....I started to realize it wasn't any thing I could do.... Cause it wasn't just up to me it was up to her too.....You can only carry some one for so long before you end up being the same person....I know it will be hard but maybe it is time to move on ....Don't be anybodies fool... You need to start a life that gives you some comfort and happiness..Sounds like you need it....And I know you have a child ,but wouldn't you rather have you child have all the love he/she could get from you ? Rather than you being so worried about what your husband is doing late at night.When you woory about what your husband is doing you take away the focus your child needs .... Hope that helps a little\nEXPLAYA here
423207
OMG!!!  I can't believe that someone else on earth has had to go through this!!  Last year I found out my husband was having an affair for 9 months with a neighbor of ours.  I was friends with this woman before she moved into our neighborhood, so when she moved in, we quickly became best of friends.  I was very angry, I kicked him out and never spoke to her again.  I had to talk to him because when I filed for divorce, he wanted to talk a settlement in custody of our daughter.  I refused.  I told him that as long as he wanted to be with her, then he wasn't taking my child around HER.  After about 3 months of not living with our family, he decided that he didn't want to be single or with HER for that matter.  I made him jump through a million hoops to come back home (such as switching cell numbers with me, getting a better job, going to counseling, going to AA, plus many more).  Also I made it a condition that if I EVER even THINK that he is talking to her again, then it is OVER FOR GOOD.
512709
Sweetie,,I am in your shoes as well..I have been a Mom and Dad to my 10 yr old daughter,,and for the first few yrs (we have been apart for 8 yrs) I kept asking myself "Am I not doing enough? " You fell in love with this "man" and you are doing your part 150 plus percent...there are some guys out there that love the marriage part,but not the parenting.This is a lesson we have all got to learn,and yes,I know it hurts bad,especially since you are carrying and your hormones are on a ride right now,but you are still entitled to feel hurt.And I know it is exhausting to be both parents to those lovley kids you have..but look at it this way..you have the undying love of those kids which outweighs the love that any man could think of mustering up..you are doing a great job..and just because he does'nt act like he cares..it is not the end of the world..you will heal from his heartache..and you are sure to find someone who loves you for you AND your children..good luck to you..be strong..and it's ok to cry...I sometimes still do..but over the years..the crying is more happy tears than sad.
395775
You not only did the right thing for your son, but you did it for yourself also. Dont worry, just be strong. I've been thru the break up make up over and over for 4 years, and have finally left for good about a month ago. I also have a child with this person... but I know I have to just worry about me and my daughter now. The worst thing to do is to give in when you are emotional like this and find yourself back in the same situation... possibly with one more child. So stay strong and take care of you, and stick close to family and friends for support if you are fortunate enough. Good Luck mama
137214
I'm so sorry for your loss.  There is nothing wrong with being sad about the loss of a baby.  You wouldn't be normal if you didn't grieve.\n\nI knew a couple many years ago that wanted a baby real badly.  The wife miscarried several times.  I still remember visiting them in the hospital -- I couldn't say anything, so I just sat on her bed for 20 minutes, held her hand, and then left.\n\nIt took a few months but she slowly returned to her "regular self".   I saw the couple every weekend, and what helped her recovery was:  (1)  Family support (she lived with 2 other relatives in a large home) ; (2) She got busy again, it was a family business.  I think this kept her mind off herself, and onto a regular routine.  (3) We prayed a lot.   \n\nI don't know what you think of prayer -- I know there's the connotation of it being a "last resort" or, wondering if Anyone is actually listening.\n\nBut a huge turning point in my life came when I read this: "For I know the plans I have for you.  Plans not to hurt you, but to give you a hope and a future."\n\nI was amazed the Creator actually had these thoughts for me.\n\n"How precious are Your thoughts towards me, O God.  If I could number them -- they are more than the sand."\n\nWow -- the Creator's thoughts for me are precious.   And they are so many, they are infinite.\n\nYou're having a difficult time, sis.  If you're able, just go out with your husband to a natural place.  Just gaze at how beautiful it is, and don't lose hope.   I know it's hard to read that, when everything seems hopeless.  \n\nI remember when I almost lost my wife -- I lost my temper with her and (GULP!) her parents were staying with us.  They wanted to take her away.  I just thought my world was coming to an end, and that I was falling in a bottomless pit.\n\nI was reading the Psalms, and a verse just leaped out at me.  It held promises.  "I don't feel like anything will change," I prayed.  "But I trust You."\n\nThat was 14 years ago, and I still have my princess.  (She hasn't changed the locks on the front door!)\n\nTry and eat nutritious food.   Fruits, vegetables.  Pure water, and take deep breaths.   Do simple exercises, and take walks.   If you can, listen to a song that uplifts you, and sing those songs.   (Do you have the soundtrack for "O brother, where are thou?"   Excellent bluegrass).\n\nI will remember you in prayer, sis.   And, by the way, the couple I mentioned earlier -- they now have 3 children!
112783
Stop worrying about him for a second and let him work things out in his own way.  Get yourself back together.  Losing a child is such a traumatic thing that you shouldn't even worry about what he feels right now.  It is about you and how you feel.  \n\nNow as a man, and this is strictly opinion, he may be hurt and doesn't know how to deal with it.  Believe it or not, we deal with loss harder than woman do because of the stereotypes we have been exposed to.  Give him time and just maybe he will WAKE UP.  \n\nUse this time to reconnect with family and friends and get you some help because the miscarriage will effect you for the rest of your life.  Understand you don't need any more stress in your life at this time, so look at the hubby being away as a blessing.  \n\nIf he doesn't come to his senses, then you have to do what you have to do.  But your focus should be solely on you at this time, and not the marriage.  I understand it took two to create the life you just lost, but it will be on you to get beyond this for now.\n\nMy prayers go out to you in your time of need\n\nWT
524191
You deserve someone better,of course you miss him,that's normal.Humans have feelings,you will get over it soon.Keep yourself busy so wont think of it,whenever you are free do something like spend more time with your children.Almost forget ask him for maintenance fee.
197223
the mind is a terrible thing\n\nI have been lonely for a long time and have finally found a girl to love and marry so I am very happy but I have to deal with my children who are thinking I may be rushing it has only been two and one half years since wife died. And she wants her son to be there when we get married but he is in the service and cant come home for a long time. I guess i just have to learn patience.\n\nwell i have talked probably more than my quota\n\nGood luck and God Bless!!
149724
I am really sorry that you feel the way you do. I love both my children very much. It honestly does seem like you need a professional to help you connect with your reasons why you don't have the motherly feelings for your youngest son. I am pleased to hear that you tried to get help but my heart aches for you that you couldn't find a caring individual to help you deal with your feelings. No matter what you do your family isn't going to understand your pain and your sorrow. Saying that you feel you can't get close to him and the fact that you don't want to try shows that you do have some feelings for him, not as a mother but as a human being...you don't want to hurt his feelings. I have always found that the best thing to do when family gives you advice is to take it and do what you want with it. If you are interested in attempting to connect with the feelings that you probably have that are dormant within you now that you and he are older you may want to try again finding a counsler to help you with what you have locked up deep inside. Even if you find that you cannot love him as a mother loves her children, at least treat him like a human being.....with kindness and gentleness, the same way you would treat a stranger. That at least might make things less rocky between you and him and your family. Do what is best for you and your son and I wish you all the luck and support that I can via the computer.
270168
First off, you know that he's had "UNPROTECTED" sex with at least one other woman besides yourself. . .  Think about that for a minute . . . take a few if necessary.\n \nYou do not have to justify what you are feeling.  People come into our lives for reasons, seasons or lifetimes, where does he fit into the picture...what have you learned from the situation(s) you two have shared besides two wrongs don't make anything right, it's still just TWO WRONGS (I'm talking about the cheating).  \n\nAre you willing to live with the fact that he has a child with another woman that he will have to communicate with frequently because of the child.  History between you and your 'baby's daddy' is just what it is, HISTORY.\n\nIf you're willing to chance that risk of what could happen, then by all means do what you want to do.
68450
I know its hard because Im in a similar situation. Mine left also but our baby is 9months and he's not cheating on me.  Try to get some counseling because it sounds like he's not coming back but you are not accepting it.  He's a bastard for tellling you that she is better, don't believe that, he's saying that to hurt you and your letting him.  You need to let go and move on to someone that will treat you as you deserve and love you unconditionally. Just remember, once a cheater always a cheater so he will probably cheat on "abby" too!
111416
Please do not have a second child for the sake of your 1st child at the expense of your marriage.  With all you just said about your husband not really "being around" and your life dull with you questioning if he even loves you or if you even love him for that matter, you need to figure out your marriage first and either work it out (if that's what you both want) or dont.  You don't want to go having a child when you are questioning whether you even love the father or whether he loves you.  And having a child for the sake of your other child not being alone, is not the answer.  Your focus needs to start on your marriage b/c having a child should be a joyous occasion, one blessed by both parents and wanted by both parents, b/c otherwise resentment & bitterness with build up and then you will have a real mess.  Seriously, nurture your marriage, discuss both your feelings about the marriage & whether you want it to work out and if you both do, then discuss having another child & see if you both agree b/c you BOTH need to be on the same page on both issues.  Good luck!