Let's just say that one day, I was driving in my car and you were walking with your girlfriends and got in my way. I rolled down the window and called you all a bunch of stupid bitches. Just as I do that, a witch casts a spell on me and shrinks me to 1/2 inch tall. \n\nYou all run to my car and pick me up and hold me in your hand. I am terrified. I tell you not to put me in any closed places as I am afriad of closed-in places. \n\nJust then you smile and tell me that you are going to put me in your pants (you're wearing spandex tights). \n\nNo one will ever hear me, and you will surely get away with it. Please tell me what you would answer to the following. Answer each one at a time with numbers. \n\n1) No! Please don't put me in there!! It's too tight!!\n\n2) You won't get away with this!! Someone will hear me!! Help me!! Someone!\n\n3) Why are you doing this to me???\n\n4) How long are you going to keep me in here???
215484
you have too much imagination and too much time on your hands
399961
my bro-in-law and I were drunk one night,\nhe was driving and we argued about 'fear of God'\nwhat does it mean?\nhe said he has 'No fear of God'\ni argued\nhe got ticked off\nkicked me out of his car,\ni had to walk 5 miles home\nok, ......................\n....\nwe were friends again, he my sisters husband\na few years later \nwe were going fishing up north... he was driving\nnow we were not drunk,\naccident up ahead!\ncars were all piling up ahead of us...\nhe hit the ditch going down between the southbound/ northbound traffic going 65 mph\nbut the thing is...\nhe screamed :God oh Jesus ! save us!'\nas we rolled to the other side of the ditch and came back up and got back on the highway\nwe cleared the accident\nwe got ahead of all the mess,\nand then he denied calling on the Lord\nhe said \n"i know how to drive, dude"\nbut i remember
197596
A highway patrolman pulled up alongside a speeding car on the freeway. As the officer peered through the driver's window, he was astounded to find that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting. The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, "Pull over!" at the top of his lungs. "No!" the blonde yelled back, "Scarf!"\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nA blonde and a brunette are driving down the highway in a convertible. The brunette knows that she's speeding so she asks the blonde if there's a cop behind them. The blonde looks behind her and sees a cop and tells the brunette. The brunette then asks if his he's got his lights on. The blonde replies "Yes...No...Yes...No...Yes...No"\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nA blonde went to a hair dresser's one day, listening to a walkman. The hair dresser asked her what she wanted, and the blonde replied, "I need to get my hair trimmed, just make sure that you do not take these headphones off." The woman looked at the blonde, surprised, but did as she was told. While she was brushing the blonde's hair, she accidentally bumped the headphones, knocking them to the ground. As she bent down to pick them up, the blonde fell over, onto the floor. The hair dresser was very confused. She picked up the head phones and listened. This is what she heard..."breath in...breath out...breath in...breath out..."!\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nA police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license. She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys could get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you."\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nA young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.\n\nAfter becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!" Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.\n\nLater in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nTwo blondes walking down the street.  One reaches into her pocketbook for a make up compact and looks into the mirror.  "This picture looks like someone I know" she says.  The other one has a look and says, "Of course dummy, it's ME...."\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nThere were two blondes going to California for the summer, they are about two hours into the flight and the pilot gets on the intercom and says we just lost an engine but it is all right we have three more but it will take us an hour longer. A half hour later he gets on the intercom again and says we just lost another engine but its all right we have two
195558
Was that you, you son of a b*tch.  \n\nI was sneaking over to my best friends house to get some off his wife while he was at work.  \n\nShe was rather bold when she invited me over in a whisper right in front of him and their young son to party.  I thought to myself - sh*t yeah,  all my smooth well rehearshed lines combined with those years in the gym had finally paid off.\n\nI had fantasized for years about exactly what I would do  with her and was prepared to take full advantage of the situation.  \n\nI dressed in my very best clothes that I had just picked up from the tailor and started over to her place.  \n\nAs I am crawling through some bushes (her and her husband live right behind me) rather stealthily, I hear this whirling noise so I look up.  All of a sudden, literally out of the blue,  f*cking splat!!!!!!!!!!!!\n\nA godd*m cake came crashing down all over me, my clothes, my flowers, and my 20 pack of condoms.  Everything was covered.  \n\nTo make it worse,  birds started swarming down on me like locust and apparently your f*cking cake gave them a case of the sh*its.  \n\nBy the time they had pecked all of the frosting off me, I was covered with whelps and looked like one of the gargoyles on Notre Dame cathedral, completely covered with runny bird sh*t.\n\nHaving just taken half a bottle of Viagra before I began this f*cking nightmare, nothing was going to stop me from relieving my now raging erection.  I persevered only to find out the b*tch was serious when she said come over and lets party.  \n\nIt was her 5 year olds birthday.\n\nA pretty lousy day all around - thanks for nothing you f*cker.
379148
liked them lol\n hows this one;\nBlonde sets herself on fire with her ghd's, she calls the fire brigade, \n"help! help!, I've set my house on fire"\n"All-right dear, try to stay calm, what's ur address?"\n"I'm not wearing a dress I'm in my bath robe?"\n"You've misunderstood me dear, where do you live?"\n"I told u already, in a house and it's burning, can u stop with the chit chat and send someone quick"\n"Ok sweetheart, for the last time, how do we get there?"\n"DUH, HELLOOO, in the big red shiny thing!!!!!!!!"
273958
HEY: SIMPLE GIRL:\nSO SORRY ABOUT YOUR CAR....I HOPE YOU GOT A NEW ONE...\nANYWAYS YOU CAN FIND THAT BOOK IN THE LIBRARY...'CAUSE I READ IT LAST WEEK AND IT'S COOL...
539310
"Im not againts [sic] hitting people that are gay..." \n\nYeah, we get that.\n\n"But I gave him two warnings to stop, and its not like I could go anywhere since I was stuck in the car. Was I wrong to deck him for not stopping?" \n\nWould you have hit this person if it were a woman? Or would you have found a less violent way of affirming your personal space? Somewhere, you got the idea that it's acceptable to resolve your disagreements through physical violence. Big man you are.\n\n"Do you think that he was trying to hit on me?" \n\nI don't know. Maybe he just has extremely poor boundaries. People who can't keep their hands to themselves are obnoxious.\n\n"What would you have done in that situation?"\n\nI would have removed his hand and I would have given him a piece of my mind from the start. I also would have stopped making out with the girl because, not only did watching you feel her up seem to encourage him to feel you up, it's also rather gauche to make out in mixed company.
536596
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.\n\n\nThe blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated. \n\nWhat does it look like?" she finally asked. \n\nThe policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." \n\nThe driver finally found a square mirror, looked at it and\nhanded it to the policewoman. \n\nHere it is," she said. \n\nThe blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back\nsaying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.\n__________________
92415
Fresh from her shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small.\n\nInstead of characteristically telling her it's not so, the husband uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion. "If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds."\n\nWilling to try anything, the wife fetches a piece of toilet paper and stands in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.\n\n"How long will this take?" she asks.\n\n"They'll grow larger over a period of years," he replies.\n\nThe wife stops. "Why do you think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts everyday will make my breasts grow over the years?"\n\n"Worked for your butt, didn't it?"\n\nHe lived. And with a great deal of therapy, may even walk again..\n\n\nMan driving down road.\nWoman driving up same road\nThey pass each other\nWoman yells out her window, "PIG!"\nMan yells out his window, "B.I.T.C.H!"\nMan rounds next curve\nCrashes into a huge pig in middle of road.\n\nThought For The Day : If only men would listen. \n\nHEHE>>HAVE FUN 2 YA GUYZ READING
377998
From insultathon...LOVE IT\n\nI had your mother on toast last night. Then I regurgitated her and shot her. Twice. In the spine.\nI threw her into a lake of acid, and sharks with miniguns on their heads and RPG's on their fins. I pulled her out, and then...\nI raped her soul. And she liked it.\n\nI hope you rot in the deepest part of hell while having the micropenis on your forehead ripped to pieces by obese, bald, gingerpubed French whores with more STD's than you've had dinners, hot or cold.\n\nYou deserve to bleed from every orifice and have your testicles and eyes cut out, and your testicles put in your eye sockets and your eyes in your scrotum.\n\nOh, and by the way, your father was a ferret that your mother found at the roadside and boiled in her own rancid vaginal discharge. Sexually.\n\nF*ck's sake, you suck so much half the people that come in here to insult you can't even think of any insults more than two lines long! You know why? BECAUSE YOU KILL THEIR GODSDAMN'D BRAIN CELLS WITH YOUR FUGLINESS!!!\n\nConsider yourself insulted, you cocksucking, monkeyf*cking bastard son of a rabid Italian dinnerf*ck!\n\nI could add on a bit here about how I don't really hate you and I actually think you're practically a demigod, but you know what? I just can't be arsed.\n\nIn the words on millions of people all over the world,\n\nF*ck You.
406484
"If you people want this, Then you will get it, Dont ask me my help when you are being tourtured."\n\n\nI wont. but thanks.\n\nare you playing that raging psychotic for sympothy card again?
307153
LMAO!!!! Hey PD that was a nice one!!!!\n\nHeres one for you - \n\nA police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange: \nOfficer: May I see your driver's license? \nDriver: I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI. \nOfficer: May I see the owner's card for this vehicle? \nDriver: It's not my car. I stole it. \nOfficer: The car is stolen? \nDriver: That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the glove box when I was putting my gun in there. \nOfficer: There's a gun in the glove box? \nDriver: Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns this car and stuffed her in the trunk. \nOfficer: There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!? \nDriver: Yes, sir. \nHearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle the tense situation: \nCaptain: Sir, can I see your license? \nDriver: Sure. Here it is. \nIt was valid. \nCaptain: Who's car is this? \nDriver: It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card. \nThe driver owned the car. \nCaptain: Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it? \nDriver: Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it. \nSure enough, there was nothing in the glove box. \nCaptain: Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it. \nDriver: No problem. \nTrunk is opened, no body. \nCaptain: I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that there was a dead body in the trunk. \nDriver: Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too.
315652
A man met a beautiful woman and he decided he wanted to marry her \nright away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." \n\nHe said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along." .....\n\nWhoops.\n\n\n\nOk, here is my real joke, the only other one I can remember in my flu delirium.\n\n...as told to me by my best friend when she was eight and I was ten...\n\nIf you are on the potty and you are not American, what are you?\n\nyou're-a-peein'.....
605000
HOLY CRAP! THAT SCARED THE HELL OUTTA ME!!!\nLOL!!!!\n\n\n\nI hate you
666862
Fucking Hell! She scares me.\n\nI mean, I am an atheist and a Satanist, I stand strongly in my position, but she freaks me out. Of course all Christians are not like this, but truthfully, many are.\n\nI'm sure she would attack me, if she had the posiibility.
306151
Hey this is a story I read on-line once. Sorry I can't seem to recall from where but I copied it to my e-mail. \n\nDon't Walk, Beautiful\n\n5 Seconds were left on the walk sign, the amount of time for people to daringly run across the street risking becoming splat, just to get to the other side. But there wasn’t enough time for me, not even close. I’d need her number, have to hear her voice and maybe even get her name. 4 Seconds were left, it was obvious neither me nor her were going to risk it, hell I couldn’t even risk saying 'Hi'. The last couple people dashed across the street just barely missing some cars trying to turn before the light changed. Who would’ve thought, 2000 years on this planet would result in humans being controlled by blinking lights. 3 Seconds left and at this point only maniacs or people halfway across could make it, at least this proved she wasn’t a maniac.\n\nShe had nice stylish glasses to show she’s with it, nice clean red hair to show she can keep herself clean and hygienic, she wasn’t wearing make up to show that she’s comfortable with being totally natural. She’s not skinny which shows she knows how to eat a good meal and not fat showing she knows how to not eat too many good meals. She’s not short, not tall, bee stung lips and just a degree away from perfect if I’m being completely honest. 2 Seconds left on the light blocking the way we both need to go and I’ve still got about a minute and a half to find out who she is before the next light changes.\n\nShe holds her hands behind her back and sways her body back and forth, humming a tune. Something familiar but I cant quite put my tongue on it. How perfect, the perfect opening line to at least see what kind of music this perfect girl likes and isn’t afraid to hum in public. The next light changes and the little man that means walk pops up across the street in the direction we have no desire to reach. Everyone but us leaps forward to walk across and once again it’s just me and her, standing, waiting me and her. Me with my worn out shoes cause they’re my only pair, my big winter jacket because its freezing and messy hair because I don’t know how to use a brush. Maybe its just my wishful thinking but I can swear she keeps looking at me, in a very subtle way, her green eyes connecting with my blue eyes, split seconds at a time I think.\n\nEverything about this was so stupid but I never expected something as stupid as what I was about to say to ever come out of my mouth. ‘You dropped a penny’ I said in her direction. She stopped humming, no more swaying and tilted her head down. There were obviously no pennies, no rocks, nothing but pavement. I don’t think I was carrying any pennies she replies. Holy shit do I feel stupid, why did I even begin to think that would work at all? Oh well at least I know I know her voice sounds like well played violins and she doesn’t carry pennies around, so she can’t be a bum. What stupid logic, I can’t believe I actually believe what I'm thinking. I also can’t believe it’s been about 10 seconds since she last said something to me. Soon the light will change again and she’ll be gone and I’ll just be the guy who used pennies to pick her up. ‘Thanks anyways’ she says sweetly with a smile on her face as she gives me a soft polite punch on the shoulder. My pants felt lighter, my feet felt higher, my head felt higher and my heart was at the speed of a hummingbird. She was polite, cute and didn’t even care that I was such an idiot. I was blushing but luckily it was so cold outside she’d never notice.\n\nDuring all this idiocy and over analyzing everything I completely missed the light change and by the time I did notice she was already hallway across the street. Before I could call out or even think about what to say if I did call out, a sudden shriek of tires filled the air and before my eyes or ears could make sense of what was happening the beau
150995
omg I hear the sirens monitor!! This is scary stuff. Get your pants on. You don't wanna be caught in this tornado with your pants down!! \n\nSeriously guys.......this is spooky scary!! Bang on the girl's apartment three doors down. I hear she has a roach motel!