I'm in a relationship with someone, and she has a hard time talking about her problems. She's convinced that she can handle it completely on her own, even though she knows that I WANT to help her (she's helped me a lot in the past). But she doesn't even want to think about getting help about personal issues. She stays quiet until she fixes or gets over it, so I only find out after the fact.\nAnd the reverse is true to some effect, I'm going to visit her (long distance relationship) and she INSISTS that I get a hotel room, even though we've known eachother for 4 years (most people who have been friends for that long would let them crash on the couch).\nIs there some way to break her out of this rut of self-relance? (and I don't want it completely the other way either, but there has to be a balance somewhere)
208296
All I can tell you is...Good Luck ! I'm very similar to the person you have described. Except, I would have allowed you to crash on my couch. I believe what makes us that way is because we never really had anyone that we trusted enough, to really let ourselves open up and lean on them. Sometimes it's a good thing and other times it feels like a curse. I don't think you per say can break her out of this, but don't give up on her. It's just something that she has to acknowledge and work on every day.
530319
Really your not fighting, your probably just bickering. Its like adult going pains especially if you just moved in together. My fiance and I were the same way. I even gave my ring back!!! but we went to a communication specialist (couples therapist) and learned some tricks to communicating. I know its hard and you start thinking that things won't work out, but if you are truly meant to be, you'll be OK.  We had all the same issues you mentioned.Try this, sit and talk it out, if one of you is a blabber use a 5 min timer so you don't get off track of the topic at hand. Don't allow yourselves to deviate off topic nothing gets solved that way. Each of you should list your gripes with each other and go through the list,pick a time where you can really talk( no TV, no phones).  It will take a few tries before you can get through it with out yelling. No name calling and no blameing, start sentences like "going foward  blah blah blah"Cleaning? write up all the chores that need to get done and you together, divvy them up, then once chores are committed to on paper, its a non issue. The hard thing is  understanding that you don't get everything you want anymore it's all about 50/50( which sucks sometimes, but that's life) And there is no shame in meeting with somebody once a week if that's what you guys need, its not easy, it's one of the most stressful times in  your life. In some cases your insurance will cover it under adult therapy or under the the wide range of depression (even though its not,they just bill it that way and its legit because the situation makes you sad and stressed, don't feel labeled as depressed). Best of luck to you both
353803
I think it's good that you have emotions and show them, but now maybe it is time to be a little more in touch with them so they don't sneak up on you and overwhelm you.  She means a lot to you and it's triggering some feelings of possible abandonment it sounds like--probably tapping into old baggage from childhood.  \n\nI find when my reaction doesn't match the situation it is usually because of something in my past, not the issue at hand.
300762
i know the feeling. stressful, isn't it.\n\ni finally had to realize that, in the end, people do what they want to do. when they are in that kind of mindset, they are listening to your words, but the words are not making an impact.\n\nsounds like you're a good friend, and they are lucky to have you. the best thing is to NOT say "i told you so." just be there for them, and support them when they are upset.\n\nBUT there is also a point! if they repeat it over and over and over again, there's only so much you can take as a friend. let her know you care about her, but don't let her monopolize your time when she is crying over it. when it gets to be too much, take a break from her.
147469
Tough one, I knew someone like that and they are stubborn, that is their nature.  Well, you could have close friends that  that person respecs and know that would not do anything to hurt him all sit in a room and tell him the problem, be honest, speak with love, and he may not be open right away, but it will help in the long run, it creates a lasting impression that all your friends thought it was a problem enough to get together and tell him about it.  Change is slow in a human, especially when the behavior started a long time ago.
566559
You are very strong for asking this question. You are certainly not asking for too much. This is not a problem she has with you, but a problem she has with commitment. She, for some reason, is not prepared to be as selfless and giving in a relationship as you have been with her. Maybe something is going on with her that is , creating this distance between the two of you. All though you probably already have, I suggest that you confront her and ask if their is an outside issue. If there is an outside issue and you help her through it, then you're relationship will be sstronger than ever. Best of luck to you!
558213
That's a tough one, maybe you two can hang out and try to avoid conversations that will stir up feelings from the previous relationship, but then it will seem like they are avoiding the situation, so maybe the best policy is to talk about whatever has happened and ask the person how do they think they can move forward. Maybe they may say they need sometime to themselves or something, or maybe you can suggest to them that they take up a hobby, like exercising, or jogging or something like that. Hope this helps!!!
302411
If you live 3 states away, daily communication is unreasonable under the best of circumstances. This is probably wearing him down emotionally. I know that I get completely overwhelmed at times, especially by relationship issues, and just shut down. It doesn't mean I don't care; it just means I'm overwhelmed.
441368
Sounds to me that you are either way too trusting, far too needy (wanting a relationship bad enough to accept this behavior from the person you're currently with), or seeking validation in what you've already decided you want to do.\n\nHere's what I did:\n\n"I need you to get all of your things together and leave.  I don't care where you go, but I won't be a part of your behavior any longer."\nIt sounds very psychological, doesn't it?  Well, I thought about it for a long time.  I wrote it down, I rehearsed it for hours.  When my partner came home, I was in the other room.  I repeated that line when I heard, "Hi honey."  I didn't say another word; we just stared at each other - eye to eye.  I wasn't going to offer an explanation of any kind, we both knew why I had made this decision.\n\nYou'll find someone better.  If what you know is fact, you're too nice to this person and it's probably time you cut the ropes and get back on the available list.  :-)
89534
I truly hope is not, cause it happens the same with my BF, I'm always trying to find the time to met, the time to spend some time together and when im not with him it hurts, that means im in constant pain. I just bought a book as guideline to see what i was doing wrong because he seems to be so well, the book says that independence is the key, and i'm having a struggle doing that, it says that we have to keep busy filling the blanks, the times when we are not together with other things. \n\nI guess your girl and my boy discovered the way to enjoy this before us, they know how to be independent. You know that theres many factors that are involved in a LDR specially money can be a huge thing, besides she can be having troubles and she doesn't want to overwhelm you with them or scare you away (that happens to me).\n\nTalk to her and behave like grown ups, dont assume anything
298118
All you can do is give her a hug and tell her that you are there for here.I have been in that situation where I have something wrong with me and my ex used to ask me what was wrong, I never told him, he would just get up and go into the other room. Dont do that. I know from experience even if she doesnt want to talk, she might still like you to be with her and hold her so she knows that she is not alone
78449
The only way she can be helped is if she wants to be....I don't think it matters what you do or say she's the one that wants to be helped..i think it's OK to talk to her and tell her how you feel about this and let her know that when she's ready for help you'll be there...at that point you can find her a group to go to or a hospital to go to...till then just be a friend.
340533
You can tell her, but honestly, you may just need to step back and let her deal with her issues or this thing will go on and on and on.  Sometimes things work out, sometimes they don't and that's the harsh reality. You need to ask yourself if you REALLY want someone with baggage.  It's a tough thing when you get attached, but see what happens if you just disconnect from her as well.  Disinterest sometimes can do the strangest things.
153747
I am in IRAQ as i write this.I have seen my family and girlfriend 10 days since january 22 2005.I had the option of taking leave while being here but chose not to for the fact i didn't want to go through the goodbyes again.My girlfriend hates me being here but fully supports me by being there for me.I talk to her weekly on the phone and chat just about everyday on the computer.She has sent me numerous packages with "stuff" i cannot buy here.The problem i have with her is she refuses to go out at all during my absence. I told her this is not good and it only makes the waiting worse.There is nothing wrong with going out with her friends and family(she does go to her childrens house).Of course she does worry and tells me she sometimes cries herself to sleep.\n I believe the worst thing a wife or significant other can do is burden her man with menial or trivial problems that can be solved with a little time and thought.I assure you if the man had the choice he would rather be home watching his family and dealing with day to day issues.\n I have seen grown men "freak out" because of the minor problems being repeated to them from thier wives or girlfriend.During times like these maturing comes fast and hard for both people.The ones left home alone to do EVERYTHING around the house has to make all the decisions and then get used to the man coming home and trying to readjust to helping out again. The readjusting is the hardest part of coming home.now once again you must learn to accept that things will not always be done the way you have become acustomed.Just because your man is not away anymore doesn`t mean things get easier.Supporting him and he supporting you once back in the states is vital to every relationship.
207461
We define "normal" between ourselves in relationships. She has to weigh all the factors in the relationship to decide whether or not to stay. I couldn't be with someone like that unless the conversation was fantastic.
139330
You CAN'T force help on someone who doesn't want it. That's enabling behavior which is also wrong.\nBut, you can share YOUR heart; your pain; your sorrow with him. Typically when someone wants to get another to open up, they have to make themselves vulnerable by disclosing something of significance to earn that other person's trust.\nTry it. You may get the window of oppurtunity you're looking for.
143239
I had the same problem with my present boyfriend.  Instead of trying to constantly get through to him (which can annoy the person after a while), just let him know that you are there for him and that he has no reason to keep his guard up.  This should only be told to him once, and whatever happens after that is up to him.  Though it may take a while for him to accept it and open up, it may work.