An airplane crashes in a far jungle which cannibals were living there.\nAll passengers go to hell except a beautiful young girl hanging from a tree.\nA small cannibal boy was hunting there with his father, suddenly saw the girl and called his father and said:\nHurry up Daddy let’s eat her I am very hungry!!\n“Wait my son” said father after a long stare to the girl.\nAfter a few moments the man said to his son:\nTake her and let’s go home, to night we will eat your mother. !!
208435
I think the joke has potential. I got it, without it being in your face. The line "All passengers go to hell..." seems out of context. Should it be "All the passengers die except..."\n\nOverall I think it is a nice joke.
569146
Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.\nHis birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted for his birthday.\n"Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."\nLittle Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home.\nLeroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday.\nLittle Leroy, of course, thought he did. Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.\nLittle Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.\n\nLETTER 1:\nDear God,\nI have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.\nYour friend,\nLeroy\n\nLeroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.\n\nLETTER 2:\nDear God,\nThis is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.\nThank you,\nLeroy\n\nLeroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.\n\nLETTER 3:\nDear God,\nI've TRIED to be a good boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.\n\nLeroy knew he could not send this letter to God either. Leroy was very upset.\nHe went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church.\nLeroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad.\n"Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.\nLeroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.\n\nLeroy began to write his letter to God.\n\nLETTER 4:\nDEAR GOD, I HAVE YOUR MOTHER.\nIF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.\nSigned\nYOU KNOW WHO
556580
nice one. ha ha ha ha ha ..................................\nhere are mine\nA young blind boy is being tucked into bed by his mother. The mom says "Now Billy, pray really hard tonight and tomorrow, your wish will come true!". Billy says, "Ok mommy." and goes to sleep. The next morning, Billy wakes up and screams "MOMMY! I'm still blind, my wish didn't come true!", the mom answered, "I know - April Fools!"\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nA woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If you dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nA few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.\n\nTwo hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".\n\n"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------\n\nA young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.\n\nShe confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"\n\n\n--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
545975
The bride walked down the aisle of the church toward her awaiting groom.\nPlease cancel my last order.\nThe student asked the math teacher for tutoring, as she could not figure it out.\nMany fossils are thousands of years old.\nThe large, barking dog really freaked me out.\nElton John is a gay man.\nI got this straight from the source.\nThe seeds were interspersed with the fertilizer.\nHer drink order was Patron silver tequila straight up and neat.\nWhen I win the lottery and become independently wealthy, I will quit my job.\nThey traveled to a secluded little cabin for their honeymoon.\nThe tire tracks of the truck were a very big clue in the murder case.\nPlease do not type all in caps, as it is presumed that you intend to yell.
231059
ROFL\n\nheres a joke for you\nA man traveling by plane and in urgent need to use the men's room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the men's room door, it was "OCCUPIED". The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside.\n\nThe buttons were marked "WW, WA, PP and ATR". Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. \n\nHe carefully pressed the first button marked "WW" and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, "WOW, the women really have it made!".\n\nStill curious, he pressed the button marked "WA" and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world!\n\nThe button marked "PP" yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear.\n\nWell, naturally he couldn't resist the last button marked "ATR". When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse.\n\nWhen she appeared, he cried out, "What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!"\n\nThe nurse replied, "Yes, you were having a great time until you pressed the "ATR" button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover... Your p*nis is under your pillow!"
68156
A boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?"\n\n\n\nShe told him, "because he was conceived during a mighty storm." \n\n\n\nThen he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" \n\n\n\nShe replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." \n\n\n\n"And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" \n\n\n\nThe mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"
601216
I love it! lockerridge thumbs^up to you! IMAO! Now I got for you.......\n\n2 guys are in the woods hunting and one of them has to answer the call of the number 2 nature. So they stopped beside a stream and while his buddy was doing his thing behind some bushes he stretched out underneath a tree and relaxed.\n\nAll of a sudden he heard a scream and saw his buddy running toward him with his pants around his knees , and yelling bear, bear, BIG BEAR, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!\n\nHe jumped up and started to run for all he was worth, when his buddy got his pants up enough to run he started yelling hey wait what are we going to do to outrun this bear?\n\nTo which he replied." We hell, all I got to worry about outrunning is you sucker!"\n\nThe moral of this story is always go before you leave home.
620028
Funny. I heard one today too-\n\nTwo kids were fishing in a stream. W was crossing over on a bridge, when he tripped, hit his head, and fell into the water unconscious.\n\nThe kids pulled him out, and when he came to, he thanked them profusely for saving his life. He told them he would grant each of them one wish. \n\nThe first kid wanted to go to Disney, and W agreed to take him himself in the Air Force One.\n\nThe second kid asked for an electronic wheelchair, equipped with a DVD player, MP3, and Playstation.\n\n"What for?" W asked. "You aren't crippled."\n\n"Yeah, well I will be when I go home and tell my daddy I saved your dumb *ss from drowning," he answered.\n\nSurprise, surprise, the one Neocon I work with didn't find this funny.
191221
so you want a joke?? alrighty then here's 2....:\n\nSpaghetti \n\nA wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.\nOne night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant.\nNot wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child. If she stayed in Italy,\nhe would also provide child support until the child turned 18.\nShe agreed, but wondered how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to mail him a post card, and write "Spaghetti" on the back. He would then arrange for child support.\nOne day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.\n"Honey," she said, "you received a very strange post card today."\n"Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later," he said.\nThe wife obeyed, and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.\nOn the card was written "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without."\n------------------------------------------------------------ The Good Napkins \n\nMy mother taught me to read when I was four years old (her first mistake). \n\nOne day, I was in the bathroom and noticed one of the cabinet doors was ajar. I read the box in the cabinet. I then asked my mother why she was keeping 'napkins' in the bathroom. Didn't they belong in the kitchen? \n\nNot wanting to burden me with unnecessary facts, she told me that those were for "special occasions." \n\nNow fast forward a few months .... It's Thanksgiving Day, and my folks are leaving to pick up the pastor and his wife for dinner. Mom had assignments for all of us while they were gone. Mine was to set the table. \n\nWhen they returned, the pastor came in first and immediately burst into laughter. Next came his wife who gasped, then began giggling. Next came my father, who roared with laughter. Then came Mom, who almost died of embarrassment when she saw each place setting on the table with a "special occasion" napkin at each plate, with the fork carefully arranged on top. I had even tucked the little tails in so they didn't hang off the edge!! \n\nMy mother asked me why I used these and, of course, my response sent the other adults into further fits of laughter. \n\n"But, Mom, you SAID they were for special occasions!"
499449
I always liked this one:\n\nFour men die simultaneously and go up to heaven.  As they wait at the heavenly gates, Saint Peter tells them that they've actually overfilled the heavenly quota and are going to have to be very discriminating.  He goes up to the first man, who is wearing an extremely cheap suit.\n\n"You spent your whole life hoarding money and being a miser.  In fact, you love money so much that you married a woman named Penny!  You can't come in."  He tells the man.\n\nHe approaches the second, who is grossly overweight.  "You spent your whole life as a greedy glutton eating whatever you wanted.  In fact, you love food so much that you married a woman named Candy!  You can't come in."  He tells the man.\n\nAs he's making these judgements, the third man leans over to the other and whispers "It doesn't look good, Dick."\n\nIt's cute and funny, mostly because it doesn't see anything wrong with being gay- it's taken to be natural- which is always a plus.
9368
There was a scientific research project into the world's funniest joke, this is the result:\n\nTwo hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services. \n\nHe gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
500769
A pig is walking down the street and smells something so he goes there.\n\nAnd the man throws hm out some bacon and he eats it and he hears someone screaming when he did.\n\nThen the man throws out some ballony.\n\nSo he eats it and he hears another scream!!\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\nSo finally he gets scared and doesn't know what to do until his mom comes and asks what he's doing?\n\n\nSo he tells her i ate some bacon and ballonie.\n\n\nThe mother pig faints when he goes home and takes his mom back he asks what's bad about that???\n\n\nand his mom replies that That was his brother!
151664
An oldie_\n\n3 sisters got married on the same day and all spent the night at their mother's home one last evening.\nThat evening after all had gone to bed the mother decided to listen at each door to see/hear what was going on.\nThe next morning the following conversation took place:\n\nMother to the first daughter:\n"darling I went by your room and all I heard was screaming, what happened to make you scream?"\n1st daughter to  mother:\n"well it was my first time mom and it hurt, that is why I was screaming"\n\nMother to the second daughter:\n"and you, all I heard was laughter coming from your room, what happended to make you laugh?"\n2nd daughter replies:\n"well mom, it tickled so I was laughing"\n\nMother to the third daughter:\n"YOU, I heard not a peep come out of your room, what happened for you to be so quiet?"\n2nd daugheter replies:\n"mom, you taught us not to speak with our mouths full!"\n\nLong but I hope you enjoyed.
109991
Nothing!\nHere's re two (one's a riddle the other is a joke):\n-------------\nThe FBI had an opening for an assassin.\n\nAfter all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were 3 finalists.\n\nTwo men and a woman.\n\nFor the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.\n\n"We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair.\n\nKill Her!" \n\nThe man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."\n\nThe second man was given the same instructions.\n\nHe took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."\n\nThe agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."\n\nFinally, it was the woman's turn.\n\nShe was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.\n\nAfter a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. \n\n"This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." \n----------------------\nArnold Schwarzenegger's is long and hard. Jamie Fox's is small. The Pope has on but doesn't use it. Clinton uses his all the time. Madonna doesn't have one. What is it?\nScroll Down!\n\n\n\n\n\n\n\nAnswer \n\nA Last Name \n\nHaha, what did you think it was?
611824
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.\n\nHe gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"
515210
Hey. Thats real cute.\n\nI got\n\nI MURDERED A CANNIBAL BECAUSE I ENJOY IT\n\nThanks for that so one for you to laugh\n\nSchool days\n\nA young female teacher was giving an assignment to her 6th grade class\none day. It was a large assignment so she started writing high up on\nthe chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in\nthe class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"\n\n"I just saw one of your garters!"\n\n"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"\n\nThe teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Realizing she had forgotten\nto title the assignment, she reaches to the very top of the\nchalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male\nstudent. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"\n\n"I just saw both of your garters!"\n\nAgain, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment\nis more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"\n\nEmbarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around\nagain. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of\nlaughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Little\nJohnny leaving the classroom.\n\n"Where do you think you're going?" she asks.\n\n"From what I just saw, my school days are over!"\n\nBYE - Imtiyaz G
485308
Here's one for you:\nThere's a trucker driving along the highway in Nevada, and he starts to get really horny. He then sees a sign for a Brothel (whore house) 10 miles away. He begins to get very excited when he spots a note at the bottom of the sign which says: "Beware of Sandpaper Sally." He thinks this is a bit wierd but keeps driving and gets hornier and hornier. He finally gets to the Brothel, throws money down on the table, and says: "I want a whore." to which a woman repeats: "Okay, but the only girl we have left is Sally." He decides to take the offer and runs up to the room he's told Sally is in. He opens the door and sees the prettiest blond he's ever seen in his life, throws her down on the bed and procedes to have his way with her when he notices that she is a bit rough and dry down there. He asks what's wrong with her and she gets up and goes to the bathroom. She comes back and they start again. He says that it feels great and asks what she did. To which she replies:"I picked the scabs." \n\nHere's another:\nTwo men are sitting at a bar, one turns to the other and says:"I f*cked your mom."\nThe bar goes silent as everyone looks at the two men to see what is going to happen.\nOnce again, the first man repeats:"I f*cked your mom."\nTo which the other man replies:"Shut up dad, you're drunk."