I have been seperated for 5 years going on six, and just feel it would be right to finally break the times with this man that is now, and never really was a good husband. I had an attorney that approached my (wish he were an ex!!) husband, and offered to give us the divorce we both wanted. Not signing off on it util we were both happy. Needless to say he didn't want this either. When I confronted him as to why he made the statement .... "If I get divorced then Cris will expect us to get married and that's not going to happen!" (pssst Cris is his new woman) How clear does that make it? We have children envolved, but at the ages of 13 and 14 don't you think a child should be able to say what they want ... why and be heard? I truly wish I had been warned that getting a divorce were this hard, and so damn expensive when we said I Do!! They leave that out of the vows ..... wonder why?!?! *rolling my eyes*
200996
here in Minnesota they have legal aid which does low cost divorces.if you don't have that there or they won't help you could try a paralegal to assist you,or you could get the papers and do a do it yourself divorce.if all else fails most places have women's organizations that may be able to help you.you might want to look up on your computer the laws for divorce in Iowa and then you can have an idea what direction you can take such as if you can file it yourself in the courts without an attorney,my friend did his that way.good luck
181326
"I don't want to divorce him over something this minor. (He would be left alone)"\n\nThis doesn't sound minor to me.  I'm 34 and going thru a divorce right now for similar reasons.  My wife and I have been married for 5 years, and I've never loved another person so strongly and intimately; but I've discovered that I'm not sexually attracted to her.  I tried to tell myself that it was a simple problem, and that it wasn't worth ending the marriage; but over time (and through therapy) I've learned that I was manipulating myself, and her, trying to keep the working parts of our marriage in tact at all cost – and damaging our relationship along the way.\n\nMy opinion: you are not responsible for his feelings, and you are not a bad person if you "leave him alone".  He's an adult, and can only benefit from facing this situation honestly.  How rewarding is this marriage going to be for him (or you) if your relationship isn't completely honest?  \n\nCHEAP ALTERNATIVE TO THERAPY\nTry 12 step meetings.  Not AA, but AlAnon, or better yet, CODA if it's available in your area (Codependents Anonymous).  You'll find yourself in a room full of people who are facing similar problems head-on, supporting one another without any bullsh*t.\n\nHope this isn't too preachy.\n\n:^|
114390
I am in that situation right now. I had a one night stand and got pregnant, which I was told I could never have children. The guy and I got together but we weren't in love. We made our bed so we are lieing in it. It isn't our son's fault that we didn't use protection. Besides I am happy I had my son. We feel that even though we are not happy, in order for our son to be whole with a happy life, that we are sacrificing our happiness. Divorce is really hard on the children and being raised by a single parent is sometimes difficult. All my son's friends are being raised by a single parent. Most of them come to our home to eat dinner and get dessert which they don't get at home. They hang out at our house cos their parents are out on the weekends trying to find another mate. One has gone down the wrong road, the other misses home cooked meals, the other one misses his dad doing father-son things even though there is visitation. If there isn't any abuse involved, I would say stay until they are out of high school.
69008
Children of any age resent any "outside" interference from sources such as yourself in their lives.  They always consider that maybe, the parents will return to each other and they will be "one happy family" once again.  And, if by chance, your "man" was widowed, the kids think of you as the "Wicked Witch of the West" trying to replace their mom.  After 2 years, I would think you'd have a better hold on everything, but it appears maybe you and the "man" hasn't really sat down and discussed these matters for the future. But you state, its "your feelings toward the children" that you fear, not their feelings toward you?  Evidently, you can't accept the children and only want kids between you and your man.  Now that's a major problem and if I were you, and can afford it, I'd seek professional help on this matter.  And if you can't afford it, maybe the welfare people in your state might assist in financial matters?  I'd find out ASAP and get this problem either corrected in my own mind, or split with this guy knowing you will never accept his children as yours.
272319
Divorce is a very personal thing, especially where you have three children.  If you're thinking that a public display with shame him... he left you pregnant on Mother's Day; he has no shame.  Chances are, you'll get more than you bargained for and a lot less satisfaction than you think.  Remember also that you'll be dragging your children's lives into the public eye.  Is that something they signed on for?  I wouldn't do it.
417778
easy life ?? he obviously does not have a clue to how exhausting it is to raise kids  i have 4 !  and to tell you the truth i did it all on my own although i was married notice i said WAS . i never got any help . deserve the privilage???  he is privilaged to have such a wonderful wife/mother.. also you should point out that the time he would have while you get well deserved sleep would be great bonding time for him and his daughter !!
603765
Ouch.  Sorry to hear.  Age doesn't make your parent's divorce much easier.  Things will be difficult, but try to stay neutral and take it one day at a time.  Give yourself permission to be hurt, disappointed, mad, etc.
192206
Wow, I had one of these guys too...there are so many around it is unfortunate.  In my humble opinion, real people with issues get screwed because of dead beat dad and lying mothers.  There are so many guys that ditch a girl when she gets pregnant that when the court sees a guy who wants to be involved, they don't really care why. It's financial too..they figure if the guys is sending money, the state won't have to.  And so many women lie to get back at the guy, that we have lost our credibility in the courtroom.  I really feel for your situation.  Here is what I did..I spent years and thousands upon thousands of dollars trying to do the right thing through the court, and constantly getting told that I was wrong, etc...it made me crazy.  So, I just threw the door open to the guy..said lets stop fighting, this is ridiculous, neither of us can afford this, etc.  Said, visit whenever you want...and guess what?  Since the ball was in his court, he barely comes around anymore.  I don't know if you wish your children to have a relationship with their father or not...not that I think you wish them to not have a father, but if he is abusive, etc...I don't know what your situation is there, but this worked for me.  Best of luck to you, and hang in there.
388978
Most people don't understand the situation, but I do. I also took my son and left in the middle of the night. I felt like I didn't have a choice. The thing is that I knew until we had filed for divorce that we had equal rights to the child. And I also knew I could take him anywhere I wanted to as long as I notified her as to his whereabouts. The restraining order is just to give him some leverage in court to say that you are a danger to the child, and to keep you from coming to where he is and taking the child because you  have equal rights to the child. My situation had a lot more involved than I want to talk about. Just because you can't live together doesn't have to mean that either one of you are bad people. As far as him taking the child, at least he loves his child enough to try to keep it knowing that you are not going to be together. I can't tell you that you will ever get it off your mind. If you just sit back and think about the situation and do the best you can, with the child's best interest in mind, it will be of some comfort to you. Just make sure not to do anything that will emotionally scar the child, or permanently damage your relationship with the child.
657704
I "believe" in divorce.  It's all around us.  ;)\n\nOther than abuse or infidelity, I don't "believe" in divorce.   You took vows and they have to mean something.  \n\nMy neighbors (who are our best friends) are in the middle of a divorce.  I told my 8 year old daughter about it because I knew she was probably getting bits and pieces and I wanted her to be informed.  I told her that this is something she will never have to worry or stress about...that Daddy and I truly meant our vows.  She looked at me - straight in my eyes - and said "Thank you" and hugged me. \n\nIt shouldn't be easy to divorce.  Why get married with the notion "If it doesn't work out, we'll just divorce.  I deserve to be happy".  That's not what marriage is suppose to be.
248803
just one word of advice! You sound young, i got married at 19, and am about to get divorced (i'm 20) we rushed into things wayyyyy too fast. We barely knew each other well enough to move in together and be married. Take things slow! Stay engaged awhile!
440324
Why not ask my ex-wife who thought it would be better to go out with a 53 year old married man instead of working on our marriage.  (Just a little vent here, I'll feel better, LOL.)\n\nI do believe too many folks give up too easily, or don't really try at all, or have unrealistic expectations of what marriage offers. \n\nMarriage is not give and take, it is give.\n\nI don't recall anything in my vows that said I'll be there unless I'm not happy.  They were a pledge to be there, regardless of circumstance.\n\nToo many folks either don't take traditional vows, or don't really think they mean anything, given the numbers of divorced people today.\n\nI don't know how to help folks decide that they are going to try.  All it takes if for one of the partners to bail out for the marriage to be over. \n\nSo we can coach and coach, but if one partner is selfish and chooses affairs, or abuse, or abandonment and divorce over working through the issues, I really don't know how you can solve that.\n\nI certainly wanted to work on the issues, but was unable to convince my ex-wife that her affair with a married man was a worse solution than working on our marriage.\n\nAnd the courts and society at large seems to go right along with her line of thinking.  If you are unhappy, don't bother looking at yourself, blame your partner and find another seems to be the way things are done.\n\nI agree, often they will end up with the same problems because they too are part of the problem, but failed to address that aspect of it.\n\nYou can run away from your spouse, but you cannot run away from yourself.  So if you have things that you need to address about yourself, then do that BEFORE you choose an affair or divorce.
305888
You can get a legal separation, but do everything right so your entitled to half of everything, even if you were only married for a short time.  Also they may use cruel & inhuman treatment, sounds horrible, but dont focus too much on that.  If he wants a divorce to it should be a breeze, if not, do what you have to and cover yourself financially. A good lawyer, good-luck.  They are theives...be carefull. Do some reading first, because the less you no the more they will take advantage of you and guess what that means $$$$$$$$.
93400
i would say give him a little more time cuz i understand where he is coming from getting married after a divorce is scary. every relationship you have your afraid that it will turn out like the divorce. dont leave him becuz he wont marry you explain to him you wan tto be married and you'll give him say another year and if he can't marry you by then you need to go your seperate ways. if he doesn't understand or appreciate where you are coming from then it wasn't ment to be. sorry i hope i helped.
390197
B4 my husband and I got married he was still talking/writting (really sweet emails) to his ex who cheated on him....I found out accidentally...anyway....I wanted to leave...he started begging and crying....so I stayed...like an idiot and even married him....bad mistake...he still talks to a different ex, whom he sends money to...(my hard earned money)....I am about to divorce him...and he did that crying crap again...I told him to F... off! oh and he is in the military...wonder what they do during deployments???...well some of them anyway.\n\nso yes it hurts...because I trusted him not to cheat on me....and we have 2 lil babies....anyway...they are better off without him....since he doesn't have time for them...I can conquer the world...I am smart and educated and can look after the well being of my babies....and he can go ahead and catch a STD..who cares...lol!!!  All the best!
624138
I am married and pregnant with another man's baby.  I was separated from my husband for 5 months before I got pregnant with my boyfriends baby.  My ex (soon to be ex-husband) still wants me sometimes too.  He said that if he got the chance to have his family back, he would in a heartbeat, even if he had to help raise another man's baby.  BUT......I don't feel right about that.  I should have never married my hubby because I didn't love him enough, and we were pressured because we already had one little girl together a year before we got married, so we went a head and did it.  Now, I have two little girls, already, and one more little girl on the way.  Yeah, i messed up, maybe if i would've given it a little more time after the separation, me and the ex could've worked things out, but I wanted to move on with my life with this other man.  But, anyways, the point is,,,,,,,, i am currently in this situation, and I choose to not go back to my ex husband because I have ruined everything that we could have had together.  I am still in love with my new baby's daddy, but he couldn't handle the situation, either, so we broke up.  So, make the decision that's right for you.  You are the only one that knows your whole situation. Good luck!     Praying a lot helps too!
610864
Funny I should run into this question as I was thinking the same thing about my own six year marriage.   I had just been able to get a job since our kids are at the age where they can go to headstart. I just turned around last night to look at him at his computer and blurted out the words..."will you go out on a date with me?"  He turned and gave me a weird look til he seen i was seriious.  We then proceeded to ask where the other would want to go and  when.  So three weeks from now we hve a babysitter planned for the day and we are going out to see a movie an out to eat and do whatever else we cn think of.  Good Luck.