Been married 6 years.  We've both been in therapy for the last year and a half, seperatly.  We did couples counseling a few years ago but to no avail as I was not honest in it (she knows this) and our therapist was not right for us.  We have our own individual issues but we're both in recovery from them now.\n\nI feel like I want to leave.  I don't feel that emotional love for her anymore.  I imagine that if she left I wouldn't miss her.  It is complicated becasuse I have all these fears about staying married and being a victim which I know are crap becasue no one makes me a victim but me, but I still feel them and I don't want to decide this based on those feelings.\n\nEven though I know I could live with her and be myself, really be myself, I don't think I want to.  I think I really do want to leave.  And if that's true, I need to go, becasue its not fair to either of us to stay together that way.\n\nBut I don't trust my feelings or thoughts.  What to do?
216142
It's true that you shouldn't make your decision based on your feelings. If ou find that it's really difficult for both of you to move on like this, I would advice for the divorce.It isn't the nicest thing to do but if you feel you want to, go for it.\n\nIn other words, I would suggest that both of you take another try on your marriage and try to mend it. After all, you've been married and there's a reason to that. You marry because of the love you have for each other. Think about that. Think about the reason why you did it in the 1st place.\n\nYou do not just marry her for no reason. Try using that to mend your marriage. Talk to each other and understand each other better. Counselors sometimes can't be trusted and that's where your money runs. \n\nI really hope you'll think about it. Hope you'll last together and be happy! Hope this helped! Good luck!!
395354
Good for you for making the very difficult decision to leave. I don't know if you have gone to counseling. That can be a good step in moving on. Some shelters for abused women have free counseling programs even for women who have not lived there. Also there are often non-profit counseling centres. If you are in North America call 211 or your local community information center for more details.\n\nI had a bad five year relationship that began to be physically abusive by the end. In my situation, I found that talking to an experienced counselor helped. I also got involved in activities that I had let slide when I was with my ex. I spent a lot of time reconnecting with old friends. It's a good time to explore new hobbies too. If you can't think of one, think of what you most loved doing as a child (painting, singing, writing...) and maybe take something like that up again. This is your time to find out more about you. I wish you all the best!
238429
Dave,\n\nYes, marriage is hard work for both spouses You each have to give 110% into the marriage. If you are having some issues about what is happening in your relationship and I believe that what you have written you do, I would seek the advice of a marriage counselor for both of you.\n\nFrom what I am reading into your question, it appears that your wife views that you are the cause of her unhappiness. Your discussions and arguments need to be focused on what is going on in the relatonship not about about blame and shame. There are some communication tools that you can use in your conversations with your wife that may be helpful.\n\nThis requires that you develop the skill of detachment. If you can keep your emotions under control, then you can share with your wife what you see is happening and how you feel about it. Here is an example: " Honey,I love you very much and only want the best for us. Because I want the best I am sharing this with you now, When you continually find fault with everything I do, I become frustrated, confused, angry, and hurt. I know that we are both human and that we both love each other. Can we sit down and see how we can we work things out.\n\nThis may or may not work depending on what is the cause of your wife's behavior. Regardless, you need to take control of your own behaviour and detach from your wife. If you work on yourself and become the best person you can for you, not for her then you will begin to feel good about who you are and not rely on her for your feelings of self worth.\n\nI wish you well! Surround yourself with a support system of friends who can be there for you in this time of diffculty.\n\nThere may come a day when you have to say: Honey, I love you very much and want to stay married to you. It seems however that you are unhappy in this relationship with me. If you do not want to stay married to me let me know and because I love you, I will let you go.
660718
Say...BYE  BYE.......Shes gone........Maybe during you're " confusing emotions about you're marriage, and  " figuring out what to do", You should have done them.......at home, with the actual person....You-re wife, The solution was between you and you're wife, not some other woman. Just be glad you don't have any kids dragged in.
592633
Firstly must say you seem like a very special man. Secondary I shall say that it is time that you concentrate on yourself a bit more (to be able to move forward)\n\nBe respectful, always reliable, helpful, be understanding, be her shoulder to cry on (life is funny.. but wheel turns). But at the same time give her space at this time as you don’t want to loose her.\n\nI had a friend who his wife left him for another man. They have two kids together. He was always there for her (but had other girlfriend but did not commit 100%: in fact I was one J ). If she was sick, or needed something, or pick their kids up: he was always there, kept nice contact with ex-in laws because of the kids.. She went back to him when she was in trouble. He let her. He let her leave him again for yet another man (even married) He was her friend, warned her about the guy who ended up to be an abuser. She left this guy in the end, she matured, and they now together (but he did not remarry), He is now 48, his wife 8 year younger. He married he as she was only 19.\n\n*******************************\nJust remember:\n*******************************\n\nForming a relationship with your ex is entirely separate from the process of ending a marriage; if you work through the process to achieve your "emotional divorce," you can cultivate something entirely new. Your old relationship is over; take the steps to heal so that you can invest your energy elsewhere.\n\nGood luck.\n\nps meant to say: and you get a new hobby and have fun with other people as soon you will feel better and might make new friends and will not feel lonely. The reason why we LOVe or MISS people is beuase we miss that comunication. Once you communicate with others it will be better for you. And who knows, maybe your ex -wife seeing how popular and outgoing you are might ant to herself be your friend asap.........  show her your new side that she did not see before :-)
308644
You know i have been through this situation myself.  I'm not proud.  We just kind of drifted apart after the same amount of time as you, but were only separated for about 2 months.  I really liked the feeling of freedom and meeting other people.  I still think of a certain someone now and then, especially when my husband and i get into arguments about petty stuff.  I think "why did i even come back"?  Then i realize that he has put up with all my crap and it would be so hard to start all over and put effort into a new relationship.  I also think about my kids and in today's society kids need the guidance of both parents.  Anyway, i really do love my husband, it's just sometimes its fun to think of what could have been.  \nI'm not saying all marriages are to stay together for the sake of the children, it's just if you really love each other, you need to try and get passed the other man.\n\nTry to do things with your husband, take time for yourselves.  Go to the movies out to eat, or even spend time at the park with the kids(if it applies).  And just when you feel an argument coming on think and sometimes prayer comes in handy(if you are religious). \n\nGood luck. i wish you the best.
578704
I think you already know.  You are not happy in this marriage, your husband doesn't care about your feelings at all.   You don't see any way to get him to change and you don't want to live this way.  I don't like to recommend divorce but if all you say is true than I think that would be the best thing if you want a happy future for yourself.
605212
You gotta take it, at this point, one hour at a time.  Shortly, you'll do it one day at a time.  \n\nAs bad as he was, you might think you'll still feel comfortable with him around so you miss the familiarity.  But fairly soon, you'll forget his smell, then the exact shape of his eyes and nose, and then one day you might wake up and you'll be ok.  \n\nYou are wrong...it's not that you can't go back to him...it's that he must not come back to you.\n\nso for now, let yourself feel bad.  It's ok.  It's all part of the process.  Bravo on ending it with him.  Good thing you didn't get married...divorce is expensive, and he'd likely make you pay for it...he might not care...and what about kids?  No...you're smart to let him go now before things get worse, and they would have, because he does not respect you anymore.\n\nSO go ahead...feel sad.  Give yourself the licence to mourn the loss of a relationship.  After being sad long enough, you'll feel mad...then you know you're well on your way to recovery.
36956
If you're miserable in your marriage and you have tried unsuccessfully to work things out with your husband then there is only one thing you can do--SHOW HIM THE DOOR.  Trust me...I was in a dead-end marriage and was totally miserable.  The only reason I stayed in the marriage as long as I did was for the kids. But now I look back at it and realize that I should have left him long before we even got married, because there were signs there that things weren't going to be right.\n\nSo many times us women think if we just stick things out things will change, or even we can change the man.  But sadly that doesn't happen, and for you to stay in a marriage\nwhere you feel alone is only going to hurt you.  Life is short--you deserve to be happy and feel loved and like you have a partner in your relationship.\n\nRegarding your previous split with your husband, it sounds like he was almost over-doing it in fear of losing you.  It shouldn't take the fear of losing you to make him treat you like his wife.  Cut him loose, and when he comes a wooing tell him "Sorry, you had your chance."  Then get out there and find you a good man.  You'll be glad you did.
453398
Wow, the answers you got so far sure cover the spectrum! I'm always amazed by those who are so quick to tell you exactly what to do, especially not knowing you or all the details of your situation. Only you know those, and only you can decide what course of action to take. I can sympathize, I'm in the exact same situation only in reverse. I call my wife my room mate because you don't usually fool around with a room mate. We just grew apart and she has nothing to do with me. Like you, I am hurt, angry and very lonely. I too struggled with this dilemma. If you're like me, the rest of your life is probably pretty good. You're just not happy, lacking what you desperately need. You sacrifice your own happiness for the sake of your marriage, your life, and everything you've built with this man. You also have regrets, many people marry thinking the other will change. When they don't, it's a disappointment. People only force change if they want to. he is who he is. For me, I've met a very special lady. I'm tired of being miserable. I believe everything happens for a reason. Being with another woman may finally help me see which course of action to take. I honestly have no idea how this will play out. As for you, you have to decide what you want out of life.
561864
have you tried going to counseling? there are more was to abuse someone than just physical, there is emotional and mental.  so you feel he is being that way to you? i am divorced also,i did not give up on my marriage until he did not want to be there.  he didn't want to be there because i started fighting back, he had gotten physically and mentally abusive.  i had two small boys at the time and they were effected by his behavior also, even though it was not directed at them.  it was my son was 4 years old made the comment that we should live elsewhere, that i realized everything was over.\ndo i regret getting divorced, no, because i felt i tried everything to keep it together, and was hanging in for the kids sake.  when that was said to me i realized it was better to get the kids away from him.  if you can leave with a good conscience than do it.  no one has the right to take away your self respect or self esteem.  good luck in whatever you decide.
69080
you sound just like me. i'm trying to work things out but i know the end result will be me leaving. i just want to be able to say that i gave it my all and totally mean it. sometimes we just outgrow them. have you ever tried to start some sort of hobbie with each other or do a date night? maybe that will get something going for you. i tried that. my husband didnt even care to go through with any of it. he just agreed to it and never did it. i'm writing a book on my horrible marriage. as soon as i get enough crap for my book i'm out. its not worth it to stay.
653206
You are not wrong for feeling the way you do about his infidelity.  However, you can be blamed if you are not letting your feelings known to the person(s) you are blaming for putting you in this position of mistrust, anger, sadness...  If you let this go for too long, you'll lose yourself.  Let your feelings out and you'll definitely feel better...and it will give you a sense of freedom to make choices about what to do next.  Separation can be a good thing when trying to figure it out.  Because you are married and even though he is in the wrong, he has a right to know how you feel and what you intend to do about it.  If your desire to give him another chance is there but buried with all the anger then focus on the good you two have shared and go back to those magical moments to help you remember why you were together in the first place.  No one is perfect, wife or husband, we all have faults.  Forgiveness won't be easy but it will give you both freedom whether you stay together or not.  I wish you all the best.
218566
Eight years is a long time to let go of. maybe she just needs some space. Try separating for a while. It seems that you both still have feelings for one another. Seems like she feels lost. I know, I'm going thru the same thing with my husband. I feel like I've lost myself. I'm not the same person I was when we first met. Give her some time. I'm sure she'll re-evaluate your relationship.
604430
yeah these sound like she made up her mind of geting a divorce and she want to move on this happen in marriage you just got to get ready for a divorce and make new plan in your life there are other women out there i know it real hard on you right know but when she leave you it going to take you a few month to get over the feeling you just lost the one you love but it well get better over time. i wish you the best of luck.
100278
There is no doubt you should leave.  You need to because it is what is best for you and for your kids.  It also may be the only way he will reach rock bottom and truly work on his problems.  You and the kids deserve a life as hard as it may be that isn't lived around him and his problems.  You've given all you have to this marriage but he obviously refuses to give as much of himself.  You deserve more, and your kids deserve more.
385108
You want to end your marriage with someone you supposedly love with all your heart because you can't work out money issues?\n\nSounds like there's another reason for you to be thinking about divorce.