I am a single dad and need to know why all the women I have tried to date think that they should be first in my life when I think my kids should come first. I want to be happy but it is more important, to me at least, that my children are happy, But when I tell a woman that my kids come first they dump me. I am a very loving person and treat women with the utmost respect and have enough love for my kids and a woman, but my responsibility is to my kids. Does anyone have any advice. Thank you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
216245
That's two different types of love, my friend.\n\nYour children don't necessarily come first -- They just need and deserve "you" for all of their life.. not just now but forever.\n   You, on the other hand, need and deserve, to find happiness also.\n   This really isn't so much (about the other woman)  OR the children wanting to be "first", is it?    \n    \n    You don't really appear to be ready for a lasting relationship with another adult.   And that's ok.  Maybe, now is the time to just enjoy "dates" without any commitment.  \n\n    If you are, in fact, the type of person that you say that you are, you will first take care of yourself, health and finance wise.   You will continue to always be there for your children, and you will (in time) should you choose, find another individual that shares your interests, \nand respects your opinions.   \n\n     We have in our hearts the ability to love in many different ways.. our love for parents, our mate, our children, our friends, and even our pets, are all different types of love.   We don't "run out" of love, or use it all up.\n\n    These "dates" you refer to... are being selfish, when in fact, should see you as the good person you are, caring for your children.   But if you are starting relationships and yet, giving the impression that they won't last.. what do you expect, but to be left alone..\n\n     I can't stress enough that I respect you for your question --- but I "read" more inbetween the lines... than you actually wrote ---  You are the one that is not ready.\n\n    It's sort of like why they say:  \n"If you and your child is flying and the plane loses cabin pressure --- YOU should use the oxygen first..."  the reason is so that YOU can take care of your child.. \n\n    So -- be there for them.. now and always.. AND when you are ready, find someone to share your life with, your children will grow up with a father that loves them, and will love the person that loves (them) and their father.\n\n   They will want YOU to be happy, also.
76344
Love your kids first.  Always.  An ideal man for you will love you and your kids.  I know it is hard not having a father figure around and I also know it is hard not having a spouse around to help.  Take your time with it.  Find a man that treats you and your kids like royalty.  As for the guy you kicked out...good move.  You can do better for you and your kids.  Pray about it.
349270
are you aware that not everyone has baby momma/daddy drama in their lives just because the parents aren't together.  are you secure with yourself?  if not then don't date someone with children. it's ok and don't worry about it, lots of people fee lthat way.  some people just don't like kids. but if you do decide to date some one with childen, then you have no choice but to deal with it.  that parent gets visitation with his/her kid/s and it's not about the mother/father or you.  they're divorced for a reasnon.  would you rather the parents didn't get along and the child to suffer for your insecurities? and what about the child that may not care for you, thinking you're trying to replace the natural parent? the relationship between child and parent is important, none of anyone business (unless it's abusive) and not about you.  lot at is as a positive, the parent is able to visit the kind at the kids home with maturity and knowledge that the kids mother has moved on.
169702
You have me CONFUSED here... you mean to tell me you are more interested in finding someone i.e. a date? (correct me if I am wrong) Than getting your CHILDREN back??? Finding a man should be the LAST thing on your mind I would think, if he has taken your kids, I would fight to my death for my kids?????\n\nYea... you know I really wonder what's going on here... I mean if your kids are 6 & 8 and you were only with him for 3 years... the Math doesn't add up.  Is he even the father of these kids?  And there must have been some problem if the courts took them away.  Maybe you should spend some time working on you before looking for a man or even considering getting your children.  It sort of sounds like they might be better off with their Father if that's the case or where ever the judge decided to send them.  My BEST suggestion is to work on YOU and the rest will come don't go looking for another MAN just yet.  GOOD LUCK!
112916
You sound like a "giver" in relationships and that's wonderful except you probably  haven't learned to "receive" comfortably. In fact, you likely give off subtle, non-verbal clues that you're a nurturer, which in theory seems like you would attract lots of like-minded people...but you're not comfortable "receiving", so only the takers get through. Actually you know what you want ( more to the point, you know exactly what you don't want) you just have to give yourself permission to have it. It's scary and it's hard because divorce shakes you up in ways people who've never been married can never understand, but there is life on the other side of that haze...great life! You have (3) children who need nurturing, loving support from you unconditionally...that's your duty. But your relationships should be about an exchange of fulfillment. Try to make sure that's the signal you're giving off and soon that'll be the feedback you get. With (3) children who needs extra chores? If your man doesn't help and nurture you, find another one who will. By the way, the advice I'm giving you is advice I heed myself. It all happens in baby steps...but it happens. Good luck.
618598
It sounds as though your focus is way off, & possibly because you don't want to acknowledge the real reason.  A lot of single guys look at a woman with 2 kids as having too much baggage, & they would prefer a woman who hasn't already got her life so set in stone as you do.  Add in the 2 jobs & they don't see you as someone who would ever have much time to devote to them.  Then there's the cousin with 4 kids, which would be enough to make most men run from this situation fast, because they would know the only way they could get any private time with you would be at their place.\n\nI think a lot of us single men would appreciate a woman who was willing to work & make something of herself.  However, the bulk of single men will see your past as a detriment to any chance of a serious relationship with you because they won't want to play the stepfather role.  They have worked too hard to get where they are in life to want to take on the responsibilities of a ready-made family.  As for single dads, they may feel their hands are full with their own children.  Finally, all guys are going to look at the situation you have with your cousin as you essentially living in a zoo, what with 6 kids running all over the place.  She is part of the equation, because you will be judged by the company you keep, & they will wonder why you two have what they would view as such a screwed up life.\n\nYour attitude may also scare off potential suitors.  In your effort to make it without the aid of a man, you seem to have a prejudice against men which we can pick up on easily.  Most men don't like feminists, & when you accuse them of being intimidated by your life, & use phrases like "'knight in shining armor' attitude" & "man's world", your hostility towards men bleeds through all too clearly.  It is good you have achieved what you have, but your bitter feelings towards men would be the last excuse any man would need to turn tail & get away from you as quickly as he could.  You'll need to work on seriously adjusting this aspect of your attitude if you ever wish to have a successful relationship with a man in the future, & counseling may be beneficial in this regard.  Good luck, & I hope you can get your issues in order so you can find the happiness you desire.
11797
Some people just dont want to deal with other peoples kids----I think that it would be better to find someone that already has kids--they will understand u better than a person that dont have kids.  And also the fact that the kids live with you--alot of women are bothered by that.  \nBut the best advice I can give is that--u obviously havent meet that special person--because if you had--she will love you and accept you even if you had 10 kids---so just keep looking--you will find that person.\nGood luck.
259823
If a man had 3 children by 2 ex wives and was a good father to them, then no I wouldn't be put off. If he was a single parent due to an unfortunate circumstance absolutely not I'd still would trying dating him. BUT if he's a male whose a baby daddy (regardless of race, age, or income) of 2 different women then that would definitely put me off. Especially if his 3 children are very close in age that makes me question his respect for women, his children, his views on relationships and safe sex, also if he's a man (achieved status) or a male (ascribed status).
439106
Looking for more relationships is not what you need at this point in your life. The last two failed relationships are a testament to that.\n\nYou have two children who should be the focal point of your life. If love happens to come your way, so be it...\n\nBut you are a father now. The two children you helped create should be the only thing on your mind, not your love life.\nThink of them, and once you have established yourself in both their lives, and are a more stable person, perhaps then you can search for love again.\n\nI had a father who was in and out of my life when I was young, because he has three different 'babys mommas'. \n\nI'm fine, because my mother was a stable person, and she married my step father, who ended up becoming my real father.\n\nDo you want your children to be the second most important thing in your life? Or do you want them to grow up knowing you did everything in the world for them?\n\nThink about your kids, first. Please.
114390
I am in that situation right now. I had a one night stand and got pregnant, which I was told I could never have children. The guy and I got together but we weren't in love. We made our bed so we are lieing in it. It isn't our son's fault that we didn't use protection. Besides I am happy I had my son. We feel that even though we are not happy, in order for our son to be whole with a happy life, that we are sacrificing our happiness. Divorce is really hard on the children and being raised by a single parent is sometimes difficult. All my son's friends are being raised by a single parent. Most of them come to our home to eat dinner and get dessert which they don't get at home. They hang out at our house cos their parents are out on the weekends trying to find another mate. One has gone down the wrong road, the other misses home cooked meals, the other one misses his dad doing father-son things even though there is visitation. If there isn't any abuse involved, I would say stay until they are out of high school.
22392
This doesn't just happen to men. Women get torn between two people also, but you have an obligation to your wife and your CHILDREN!!! I know it is hard, but be a man and keep your word. Good Luck!
158726
I'm in a similar situation with 3 kids (2,5,7).  At first I thought it would be better to be with a never-married single w/o kids; now I feel that it's better to be with a divorced man with or without kids because of the similar understanding and bad experience of divorce as well as the willingness and commitment to NEVER be divorced again, especially if someone has kids, there are too many people's lives our decisions are affecting.  I also need answers...thanks for asking and good luck!
164407
I am so in your situation. For a while I thought it was because I was scared of rejection or that I felt all traditional, but I really have a lot at stake. I have a son. I like a guy and haven't really decided what is best. I usually get a vote of 50/50 on this topic. I think for me, it might be best to wait. I want to see if the guy is interested, comfortable and confident enough to have the balls to make the first move. Remember, woman sacrifice more in the long run, and should never settle for second best!
304977
You have to choose between your kids and your fiance. " A woman's first social duty is towards her own family". Plan it out with the concurrence of your kids.Put this question to them.
56413
been there, done that.  your asking for a lot of grief.  just the age situation with the children is a burdon, not to mention the difference between your "going to be" and you.  you yourself said your not mature enough to make a decision...let that alone be a guide for you.  first time marrages are tough enough these days, let alone the second time around ones.  i have had experiance with taking on "the others" kids and it is very difficult to relate to them, win them over, have commonalities with them and just simply get close to them.  and if they are close to you in age i'd think there would be little for them to look up to.  kids are hard to win over when your trying to "replace" their mom or pop.  I'd think hard on this one before I jumped into the fire.  good luck.
291568
I'm sorry-- it is frustrating.\n\nSome guys have a hard time with an intelligent successful woman.  They feel threatened.  \n\nSound like you're doing the right things-- being upfront with the guys about what you want and what you don't want.  There is no reason you should feel pressured to have kids.  \n\nI hope you find the right guy for you.  And I can tell you're smart enough you don't need someone to say that you shouldn't change for them!
322672
You sound perfect - whats wrong you cant find a responsible single Dad in you area that wants the same - Im a single Dad and all the women I find want me to marry them right away and they all have asked to move in - thats why im not seeing anyone cause the moving in thing starts a fight no matter what. I just want my free time to spend with my kids