Have been married 24 years.  My wifes father died 10 years ago and she hasn't been the same.  She recently started bringing up details of that day that I can barely remember.  Of course, apparently I did some emotional damage to her then.  Again, I barely remember details, as she would.  But why now?  I do feel that things have been going DOWN hill since, but never really questioned it seriously until these death issues were brought up.  Am I THAT stupid, or is she looking for a reason to move on?  We are barely friends anymore.  Little to nothing in the romance department.  We really don't communicate as I like too.  I can ramble on subjects and just get a door slammed in my face because she's tired and doesn't have time to listen tonight.  Of course the same reason comes up next time I bring up certain subjects.  Moving, future, jobs, etc....  We have NO common goals we are working toward together.  Is this the sign of that thing they call an Emotional Divorce?
202913
Your wife needs counseling!Losing a parent is bad on so many levels that you can't comprehend!You need to do all you can to love her and be there for her.Encourage her to try counseling or join a support group before giving up on her!
530319
Really your not fighting, your probably just bickering. Its like adult going pains especially if you just moved in together. My fiance and I were the same way. I even gave my ring back!!! but we went to a communication specialist (couples therapist) and learned some tricks to communicating. I know its hard and you start thinking that things won't work out, but if you are truly meant to be, you'll be OK.  We had all the same issues you mentioned.Try this, sit and talk it out, if one of you is a blabber use a 5 min timer so you don't get off track of the topic at hand. Don't allow yourselves to deviate off topic nothing gets solved that way. Each of you should list your gripes with each other and go through the list,pick a time where you can really talk( no TV, no phones).  It will take a few tries before you can get through it with out yelling. No name calling and no blameing, start sentences like "going foward  blah blah blah"Cleaning? write up all the chores that need to get done and you together, divvy them up, then once chores are committed to on paper, its a non issue. The hard thing is  understanding that you don't get everything you want anymore it's all about 50/50( which sucks sometimes, but that's life) And there is no shame in meeting with somebody once a week if that's what you guys need, its not easy, it's one of the most stressful times in  your life. In some cases your insurance will cover it under adult therapy or under the the wide range of depression (even though its not,they just bill it that way and its legit because the situation makes you sad and stressed, don't feel labeled as depressed). Best of luck to you both
661839
Well buddy, coincidently one of my best friend since childhood is here to stay with me today.....we were best friends right from the childhood...then i shifted to some other state, but we kept in touch through mails and phone....after marriage ofcourse everybody gets busy with their life...frequency of writting mails and calling definately minimises but it never stops..sometimes i used to end up writting mail with no reply from her as she used to very busy..same thing used to happen with her...but if you are best friends and want to remain that way for life time then you need to understand each otehr....we make a point to visiting each other with family once a year...thats how our relation is growing....hope it helps!!!
507490
All I can say to you is to urge her to not dwell on the past, nothing good can come out of that.  She just needs to move on because her whole life is ahead of her.  She has many experiences to live through still, and many good memories are just ahead.  Being stuck in the past is self destructive, because there is nothing you can do about it.  I hope this helped a little, good luck!
80199
It is so odd to see how easily dysfunctional behavior and lack of conjugal dialogue can eventually lead to divorce procedures, yet only the very act of divorce itself can hammer home the agonizing emotional consequences!   Sort of like, it's all a GAME up until the moment that you actually have to sign the divorce papers.   Then it hits people like a ton of bricks - OMG what the heck have I done!   Many times a divorce is an utter letdown, and people cry, not because they lost a loving partner, but because they think they are a failure (i.e. they are besieged by a bruised ego and feeling of self-pity).   Perhaps, if they weren't in it with their huge egos to begin with, minor incompatibilities would not have culminated in a divorce.     In all, I agree with other people’s observations here, the time for simple reconciliation and baby-sitting of ephemeral sentiments has long passed.    Now is the time for individual reflections and healing – a time to move on and look to an emotionally less-codependent and otherwise healthier future.    Your ex should learn to seek psychological comfort in his own strength of character as opposed to compromising you even further by trying to find refuge in your recovering emotional state.       I’m assuming that you are not a trained mental health professional (e.g. a psychiatrist, a psychoanalyst, etc.) but even if you were you are simply too personally involved in this case to maintain your objectivity in helping your ex.    What you could do, however, in case he is suffering from anything more serious than a simple case of the “blues” is to suggest that he seeks professional help.     As it is, no doubt, you yourself have a lot of healing to as well.     Think positive, keep busy, mediate about what got you here and where you wanna go, and map out an attainable future goal in as much detail as you possibly can – then go for it and NEVER look back again.   Remember, future is the only thing that you might be able to influence and shape into your own design.     Good Luck!
288626
I have been married for just over 9 years, together for 11 and have 4 children. We faced similar trials recently, we lost our house almost the car and were behind on a lot of bills. Divorce was never an issue, it will not solve any of those problems and if you agree on everything than you agree on that also. Sometimes you just have to lose everything to see what is really important... your family and their well being. You can always rent, get extent ions on the bills if you ask for help. It has been just about 2 years since everything seemed to go wrong for us, financially, but we are stronger and more aware of our money, emotions and the important stuff that always seemed to get lost before. It does get better. Keep your head up and stick it out.
507731
well....i feel bad to....she just needs some space....\nif i was there.i would help yall.....but u know...she is having a hard time because her two most important people in her life r getting divorced......she feels horrible......maybe when things cool down....she'll probably be nicer again next time.she just doesnt want to make u feel bad because of her.......thats probably y she hasnt told u anything.......i hope things go well...\n\nI hope this works. :)
522344
Have you communicated to her that when she says these things they make you feel bad. She may not realize talking about her fun weekend with another friend was hurting you when she hought she was just making conversation. The fact that she says "you weren't important enough" really hurts! It hurts me to hear that someone you consider a friend would say that to you! It sounds like she is being really immature with her emotions, especially for soemone who is old enough to be married. You can serve as a good example by communicating with her in the way you would like to be communicated with, even to the point of being straight forward and saying, I wish you would say something to me when you are angry with me instead of withdrawing. I want this friendship to work. Try to talk to her in a way that isn't accusatory like "You do this" but talk in a "You make me feeel [blank] when you withdraw.. " or incorporate "We" into your conversation like "I feel we need to work on communicating with eachother better, I care about you and I want to work out whatever is bothering you" If she doesn't change and retains her mature attitude, I would find someone else who respects you enough to be upfront with you. When I read this, it sounded llike a "friend" I have right now who posts her thoughts on an online journal instead of telling me upfront in an appropriate time and place. I tried talking to her a while ago but she hasn't changed and I find that she just makes me more upset than happy and I am trying to find a safe and respectable way out.
222563
I have mixed feelings about this one. I fell out of love with my husband years ago. I stayed because he was all I knew and we have 2 kids. My mistake was that i didn't confront him when i began to notice I didn't love him any more. Instead, i  told myself it'll get better. But it got worse.\n\nIn my experience, once it's gone, it's gone. I am now divorced and am OK with it. You are right about there is something in a woman's eyes. My husband said the same thing to me.\n\nI'm sorry I couldn't give you something more positive to stand on.
102026
I think I might have an answer to part of your question, if I may. Of course, I can only speak from my own experience, but here goes. Maybe the reason we don't post questions about our relationships with our spouses, friends, family & other such issues is that we get our help from the Lord. We have His big book of answers, that helps guide us along our way. We also have each other, being connected by the same Spirit. We pray, asking God for guidance. We go to our Pastor's, asking for deeper answers from parts of the Scriptures that we're not acquainted quite so well with. You see, some issues need to be given into God's hands. You've seen some of the dating & relationship posts here...would you trust your relationship issue with most of the people that post on those sites? It's not intriguing when you think about it. But, one of the reasons I come to this site is to use my years of various experiences to help people. I don't always use Scripture, because it's not always required, especially when someone wants to know how to get wine stains out of their carpeting. Or how to get their two year old to talk. Things like that are practical, everyday experiences. Being that I've been married for over 28 years, raised two kids to adulthood, and have a mess of other experiences, I can help people...and I do. And yes, I am a "devout" Christian. I treat everyone with respect and answer every question carefully, even the ones that are nasty or just plain goofy. It's part of my nature to treat everyone as I would hope they treat me. For the most part, if you give respect, you get it back. This forum is a wonderful, yet scary thing. Through this site, I'm getting a different view of the world than the evening news ever could give me. There are just so many hurting young people out there, and I want to reach out to them. It's more than just the "mom" in me, it's the Lord Who is in me. Everything that gets to me has to go through Him first. I hope this helped answer your intrigues. <*)))><
227484
I was married for 20 years...got to the whole "'til death do you part" portion of the deal.  He was my absolute best friend, husband, lover...soulmate.  I do believe that in long term relationships there is no gray area, you either grow together, or you grow apart.  I have become who I am because of the life we shared and by having to survive his death...I am stronger, more independent, and hopefully one hell of a mother because of it all.
629255
I have been where you are.  it took about 4 years after the divorce,  when i realized that we could have a casual conversation without getting deep, and you could tell that, tho it wasnt forgotten, it didnt seem to be as raw a subject anymore.  I told my ex that i was sorry, and i was wrong.  That he had been a good husband, and tho we didnt survive in our marriage for other reasons, that the infidelity on my part was wrong, and it should never had been a reason for anything-it was not ok to do it.  I did nothing but hurt innocent people, and myself.  I actually know that he accepted my apology as genuine.
235127
I hear your frustration, but I also hear someone who is still in love with the person they married.  Sure, you don't feel for him the way you used but some of that is normal after 10 years, and some of that is from the financial frustration that is dragging you down.  Some times life just doesn't work out the way we had planned and we have to decide if it is best to adjust our expectations or change our lives.  This isn't easy as you have stated because you may find out that nothing changes or things are even worse without him.  Divorce is a huge step and a risk because it doesn't guarantee you that everything will get better.  I guess the big question is, can things change financially just because of a divorce?
412643
wow!  I have been married to my husband for 9 years this January.  We have overcome some horrible conditions.  I do not want to go into detail here online.  However, I love my husband despite the things we have been thru.  Infidelity was not one of the issues, but we were involuntarily separated for 3yrs 8 mos.  We have been thru things with our ex's...just about anything that could go wrong has...Now, we are best friends and know each other inside and out.  Trauma brought us closer...it is often not that way in marriages.  We're blessed that way..I had to spend Thanksgiving alone again this year...but we will get thru this.  So, the answer is yes.  Despite everything and everyone, if you want to overcome, you will.
42609
DEAR FREIND AS U SAID THAT LOTS OF PEOPLE DIVORCED THESE DAYS.....WELL HERE I WOULD LIKE TO ASK YOU QUESTION THAT DO YOU KNOW THT WHT WAS THE REASON OF GETTING DIVORCED?????? I THINK THT YOU R UNANSWERABLE FOR THIS.....COZ YOU CANT PEEP INTO ANYBODY'S LIFE AND COME TO ANY CONCLUSION........AND HERE IF V TALK ABOUT BELIEF ON LOVE THN I WOUL LIKE TO SAY THT YOU CANNOT ALWAYS BLAME LOVE ITS ALWAYS THEIR PERSONL REASONS THT THEY ALL GET DIVORCED......HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THT HE/SHE GOT DIVORCE COZ OF LOVE......THE ANS IS NO ......YOU ALWAYS MUST HAVE HEARD THT HE/SHE GOT DIVORCE COZ HE/SHE DID NOT UNDERSTAND EACH OTHER, DID NOT CARRY ON WELL WITH EACH OTHER, WERE NOT GOOD WITH BOTH OF THEIR PARENTS, GOT DIVORCE COZ DID NOT GET GOOD DOWRY, GOT DIVORCE COZ HUSBAND ALWAYS CAME LATE IN THE NIGHT, GOT DIVORCE COZ ANY ONE OF THEM HAD A HABBIT OF DRINKING ALCOHOL A LOT.....NOW U URSELF GIVE THE ANS THT IN ALL THESE REASONS WHERE THE WORD LOVE IS REPEATED....ACCORDING TO ME NO WHERE RIGHT OR ELASE M I RIGHT..........\nALL THESE REASONS INCLUDE ONLY PERSONAL MATTERS AND NOT LOVE.....SO FINALLY U CANNOT BLAME LOVE FOR ANY UNSUCCESFUL RELATIONSHIP........DONT REMOVE TRUST FROM RELATIONSHIP BUT REMOVE ALL THOSE THINGS FROM UR INNERSELF THOSE BCUM HURDLE IN THE WAY OF UR RELATIONSHIP .........UR FREINDS THEMSELVES R RESPONSIBLE FOR THEIR STRESSNESS SO GO N TELL THEM THT ITS NOT LOVE THT MAKES U FEEL STRESSED ITS UR ALL THOSE THINGS THOSE BOTHER UR LOVER.........AND ALWAYS REMEMBER THT LOVE HAS ALWAYS BEEN NICE AND THT IS Y ROMEO N JULIET R STILL ALIVE WITH US TODAY THOUGH THEY R PHYSICALLY DEAD BT TO DAY ALSO THEY R ALIVE IN MINDS OF THOSSE PEOPLE THOSE WHO HAVE LOVED ANYBODY.......ADAM AND EVE ALSO R PHYSICALLY DEAD BT ALIVE IN THE MINDS OF LOVERS.......\nGOODBYE AND HAVE NICE FEELING OF LOVE........
677127
My wife and I had the same friends all throughout high school. We didn't know each other til I competed with her friend who was supposed to get the lead in the musical. I auditioned as a joke (I was a band person) then got the part. Ironically I now teach choral and general music. \n\nTwo things that cemented our relationship: I (very immature) asked her best friend to the prom, when everyone thought I'd ask her. She chose to wait for me to mature. (Thank you, dear.) And when I always wanted to spend my lawn mowing money taking her out to dinner, she'd always tell me to put it away and come to her house and she'd cook (Ahhh. the power of the pot!). We've been married 24 years. Have three "top 10 of the their class" girls. \n\nThe same jokes, busts, memories, attitudes, outlooks, stem from those days. \n\nAnytime, there has been stress on our relationship was due to loosing focus on the other person and focusing on (myself.) The classic American overly- ambitious path, materialism, no time for family, etc.\n\nI would include her in that comment but in 24 years I honestly cannot think of a time my wife was ever selfish or self centered or overly ambitious that she was the cause of stress on our relationship. (not once, ever. I mean thinking about it now, that is incredible.) Simply put,\n\nI'm a lucky guy.
162495
I'm confused. Divorce was discussed on Saturday. Today is\nMonday. Were you in Divorce Court this morning, finalizing\nthe Decree? Are you a part of that group that says three\ntimes, "I Divorce You", and then you're divorced? You are\nnot divorced yet. Are you? Is this the way it is today?\nSay divorce once and it's over? Are you absolutely sure\nthat you're getting divorced? Could this just be a Fight,\nQuarrel, Spat, Disagreement, Bluff,Etc.?                  \n   Ask yourself, "What kind of man was he Friday, that he\nwould leave on Saturday, (he did leave, right?), after\nvowing eternal togetherness? There's something wrong with\nthis picture. Stop. Think. Can this be real? Don't invite\nreal pain in, if this isn't real. Can this man be the type\nof man that would do this to you? Could he do this to his\nchildren? If he is just that type of man, why would want to\nstay? If all of this is real, you will have to endure the\npain for awhile. How long and how painful, will be of your\nown design. If you have real, loving friends and family, it\nshould be easier. Seek the care of the good people you know.\nBut. Be sure that the sky is really falling, before you\nget yourself all lathered up. This could be a temporary\ncondition brought on by who knows what. It could be that\nyour man is a good man, and he's having troubled thoughts.\nGet professional help if possible. Or seek the wisdom of\nthe wise. God Bless You and your Family.\n  P.S. I kissed my Grandmother good-bye last week, and a\nclose friend Friday. It does get better.