could you forgive a spouse for years of taking you for granted not trying to be a friend and now they want to be. emotional abuse-no affection unless wanted sex \nmaybe I could but how about unwanted sexual forceful grabs and kisses not in a loveing way but meant to be mean at least the grabs were what if they have never hit you but did comment once maybe it would knock some sense into you. verbal abuse telling you you are nuts etc mostly about disciplining children or feelings about marriage.I am so confused I thought I married a man that would love and cherish me for who I am he says he loves me and wants to rebuild the marriage after I leave but would someone really hurt the one they love.I need to stop asking these questions but I don't want to make a big mistake he has stopped the abuse now and became more affectionate but can someone really get over the resentment of being abused by the one they thought would care for and love them and have a happy healthly marriage with them
210554
emotional abuse to me, is the worst, because emotions take a long time to heal. BUT, having said that, sexual and verbal abuse are also emotionaly abusive. i'd rather have a few cuts and bruises on my body, they heal, but emotions are who you are, and you dont want to scar that.\n\nand honestly, i don't think someone can really ever truelly get passed that resentment, it'll always be in the back of your mind. if he raises his hand just for the sake of raising it in the middle of a fight, you'll flinch, and that  shows that you haven't gotten passed it. you obviously still think about it. its not a healthy relationship. it should be good from the beginning. your relationship is forever poisoned
238883
I hate stone throwers.  \n\nOne, because I fell weak to cheating, and it started out as a great friendship. I regreted it when it reached the sexual level (even though it only happened once, because I wouldn't allow myself to go farther). I felt dirty, because by no means am I a person with no values or integrity.  My values did not change, it was my behavior; that's a big difference.   \n\nSecond, my husband found out and the problems that arised from it were just unecessary.  When my husband was faced with the reality of me being with another man, things actually changed for the better.  Our communication has improved dramatically.  He has been an abusive husband, both physically and emotionally, suddenly I became queen Elizabeth in his world; he treats me great now, and he confesses that he wants me to remain his wife because he can't see himself without me.  I had always communicated to him the neglect and abuse that I felt from him; it always went to shallow ears, until the cheating thing surfaced.  Although trust is now the present issue, I am working on regaining it.  By showing him that I want a life with him, and being there for him, doing the things that I always have in our home.  \n\nI too believe in raising our children together. You need to find a way to get to him, and sit him down and tell him how you feel.  You don't have to reach a good communication point by cheating, there are other ways.  Most husbands will leave their wife after finding out they cheated; in that sense I am fortunate.  \n\nThe problem is that you are both limiting yourselfs and shutting each other out.  There is a way to break that wall.  You fell in love with this man once before, try to do those little special things that you used to do for him, back when love was ever so strong between you; that's the way I am living today, and it is working out amazingly.  I truly fell in love with my husband again.
340094
I think your concerns are legitimate, and I think it's a good idea to consider carefully whether you want to let this abusive man back into your lives.  (I assume he abused you and the kids based on what you said.)  I think that people can change, but you should look for evidence that he is really serious about changing.  Enrolling himself in anger management classes or psychological counseling might be a good start.  Also, I think you have a right to be concerned about the timing of this "change of heart" and it sounds like you feel like he's using you, which sounds to me like a form of abuse.  I'd say, if you need help, get help from a battered women's shelter, an ecclesiastical leader, a counselor, or somebody else who can help you make a wise decision.  Remember to keep your kids in mind when you are making this decision -- think about what will be best for them.  God bless you.
641633
A lot has to do with your own self-esteem (how do you feel about yourself and what will you allow another person to do to you). You've been married to him for 10 yrs so something has kept you staying with him for so long (maybe love and/or kids or he's a good provider)....however sometimes people do grow apart and it's time to make a new beginning for yourself even if he's been apologizing after physically and emotionally abusing you --- you see, his inappropriate actions tell you all that you need to know...there truly is someone else out there who'll treat you better --- so improve your looks and attitude and go find him.
115737
Well ive never been threw it but ill be more then happy to give you my 2 cents with out calling you a slut, i think part of it is your husbands fault for not making sure you have what you need, now i know alot of people are going to scream for me saying that but its the truth, in a marriage part of our job is doing everything possible to make sure our partner is getting everything we need from them emotionally or sexually. Thats just the way it works for a healthy marriage, The only bit of advice i could give you not being actually in that situation is to eather pick on or the other, i can see you feeling even more torn when your feelings for this other guy are fostered even more and you cant act on it, not to mention the emotional and sexual frustrations that can easily bring. I can understand why you turned to this other man for support you wernt getting at home. But i can only see you hurting yourself in the long run if you dont cut ties with one of them. That is unless you totally dont love your husband anymore and your just in it for everything youve envested on a tangable level that you dont want to lose. But honestly do you think if you bumped this relationship up with this other guy you would be able to continue this double life, i hate to label it that way but thats the only thing i can think of to call it right off the top of my head, but i think you understand where im coming from. You need to set a game plan in your head on where you want to go in life if things with this other guy keep developing, what happens if this guy says ok ill chuck my marriage will you chuck yours? what if he talks about you guys meeting and making a full flaired affair? What if your husband finds out about whats going on how will you respond? How will your husband? Im not saying i know what you should do or what you need to do, but if i were you i would get a clear picture of what i wanted from your husband or from this other guy. Do you think there would be a possiblity you would be more happy in your marriage if your husband started to work with you on your problems with the marriage? Do you think there is any hope for you marriage now? Do you think your husband is doing the same thing you are on some sort of level? IF he was how do you feel about it? I think you need to ask yourself these kinds of questions and in deep deep detail figure out what you want to do, i dont think anyone in here can really answer those kinds of questions and give you any much more of a clear picture then you seriously thinking about this i wish you all of luck and i really hope you get something figured out on this *HUGS*
117248
I stayed for 5 years longer than I should have.\nIt was an abusive relationship but it started slow and I kept believing his promises to stop and how sorry he was.  We found what I thought was a good church and things seemed to get better for a while but it was back to the 2-3 times a year yelling and shoving dominance establishing routine.  Nothing I ever did was good enough but I did not want my marriage to fail.  I kept hoping that this really was the last time he was going to be so horrid to me.\nSomeone eventually asked me "How much more of your life are you going to waste?" right around the time that he really lost it.  So I hit my f**k this s**t point and moved in with mom.  (Oh my god I had to move back in with my mommy.  I was an adult and I had to move back home.  How big of a loser was I?)\nAfter I moved out and all of a sudden he was really sorry and he did want to go to counciling after all and he really was going to change and we could take that trip to the mountains (3 hrs away) that we never had before.  I was angry that he was willing to change after I had left but I wasn't worth it before.  And that church I thought was so cool told me that I should forgive him amd move back in.  And they are supposed to be so supportative of women.  Guess I know better now.\nOn the up side, after I left I met the love of my life and we have been together for over a year.  Nothing like marrying your best friend.  And with what I have been through in the past I am well aware of how lucky I am to have a REAL husband and not just a spouse.
261817
I am thinking that he's become abusive because he really isnt back to where he was....in his eyes.  And that would be something that HE needs to deal with.  Perhaps he needs some counseling on how to do that.  If that is impossible than it may be time for you to return to MT to have some form of life for yourself. But in there, you too should have some outside help, sot that you can release any feelings of guilt. I can certainly understand your frustration.  He seems no longer the person that you orginally married. However, that's not abnormal either.  We all change, both mentally & physcially, thus the high divorce rate.  I sincerly wish you luck in finding yourself again. Please include YOURSELF in your care giving! :)
299251
I have been almost in the same predicument as you, but my husband cheated on me first after 18 years of marriage. We have two children and not only did this effect me, it also had a great impact on the children as well. I did kick him out of the house and after a couple of weeks he realized that he wanted me back and to have life back to normal. Well that does not happen over night. The trust was gone, I was insecure with my self and felt that things could never be the same again. We remained living in the same house, seperate rooms, and trying to mend what happened, then he got into a bad accident as well. The accident was so bad that after leaving the hospital after 6 weeks, I had to nurture and nurse him everyday for the next year. After a complete year of this I cheated on him. I believe that I did this to fullfill the hurt,anxiety,and the insecurity I had about my self. He found out the same way by tapping the phone of reason's of suspition and confronted me. I did tell him the truth about everything. At that time I also said to him "How does it feel to have it happen to you, now we are even". Well set aside Love does hurt, and we all can be cruel either mentally or physically. We react weird to these typs of circumstances. But happy to say it has now been 7 years after this has all happened, and our love never died, it took a great deal of time for the trust factor to regain itself. I'm not saying that the trust will fully every be regained, but as your relationship heals and your thoughts and feeling are open and honest with each other this is a start. Marriage to me now is more important than I ever realized, I want to grow old together. Everyone is differant but place value on your love and family, and take baby steps. If all else fells and things can't be reconciled then be good friends for your children and yourselves. Good Luck. Good things take time.
376583
There is NO EXCUSE for a husband who hits his wife.  No matter how much his mother upset him, he had no right to beat you.\n\nA typical wife-beater will go through phases.  He will beat you, then he will be very sorry and promise to make it up to you, and tell you how wonderful you are.  You'll forgive him and decide to stick by him, then just when you think everything is wonderful, he'll start beating you again.   Until you start threatening to leave, then he'll start making up to you again.\n\nIf this describes what has been happening to you, then I'm sorry, but he is never likely to change.  He is only being nice to you, to stop you leaving him.  Once he thinks you have relaxed and given up the idea of leaving, he will go back to his old ways.\n\nOn the other hand, if this doesn't describe his behaviour, then perhaps he really is genuine.  Be patient with yourself, as it's unlikely you will rediscover your desire for him until you've rediscovered your trust in him.  A marriage counsellor does sound like a good idea.
76394
Well, when we know that a guy is married, we just got scared abouth the possible reaction of his wife, we don't want to get involved in those situations that only cause troubles 4 the couple and that everybody is hurt.\nThere's another reason: (My own experience) When two people have a friendship, even when one of them is married it doesn't necessary mean that never could happen something between them, I mean.. with the time of knowing this person U/she could fall in love or confusse the terms.\nI'm telling U this because I was in that situation, I'm not married but I live with someone since 4 years ago, I met someone, in the beginning I was just his friend and tryed to be nice, he was really nice to me too, but with the time I started to feel something really different and to see this guy not only as a friend, but also as someone who could have another kind of relationship with me, I even started to want him to make love to me..\nThat was really wrong! Nothing happened, he respected the fact I'm with someone else.\nBut my point is: is it really possible... I mean.. to be just friends?
351914
sugar, some of the above comments are simply bad bad advice. Trying to hurt him back, divorcing him, etc - they are simply bad bad choices that will only make things worse.\n\nwhat is needed is for you and your husband to seek godly counsel, to learn to forgive and be honest with each other. don't throw your marriage out the window. don't seek revenge. don't let your anger or humilation overcome you.\n\nbelieve it or not, there are many many couples who not only recover from something like this but who go on to be stronger than ever in their marriage.\n\nBut you do need to be honest with other, to seek counsel from someone you both trust and respect, to learn to pray and commit things to God, to forgive....\n\nGod bless you!!!\n\nPlease let me know if I can help at all!!!
591952
You said this just started and for no apparent reason. Maybe it is just that you have no clue to the reasoning behind it. I am not saying he is justified in treating you like crap or doing things in front of the children that he shouldn't but there has to be a reason for it. Have you tried asking him what is going on. Maybe something has happened and for what ever reason he can't or doesn't know how to share this with you so in turn his actions is a result of what ever is really bothering him. You have made it clear you won't put up with this so stress this to him again that if he can't share with you what is going on you can't try to help him with it but that he isn't going to take it out on you either. He needs to make the choice as to what to do and then you can choose what to do based on how he feels. I really feel for you hun as something happened to my ex husband and he thought he would become physical with me until I told him he would die before he hit me again and of course the final results was I left. I couldn't fix something that I had no clue as to what was going on and I was not going to be hit on or abused in any other way either. I hope he comes around before you leave him but do what is best for you and the children hun!!.
356768
Do not feel ignorant. Abuse comes in many forms, and unless your husband gets help FAST, things will escalate. He has control issues, and feels very insecure about everything. Most abusers are insecure, and feel that violence is the only way to keep the things they love from leaving. But in actuality all it does is FORCE the things they love further away from them. I strongly suggest getting help, and if he refuses...you need to leave before things get worse. Without help, eventually your relationship with him will crumble to the point of nonexistance. There is no excuse for being violent with someone, and stress happens to everyone. Not everyone gets ready to beat the crap out of their wife/ mate however when the situation gets hairy. Once again, get him some help before its too late, or leave and work on you. Huge hugs, and best of luck.
416874
There's some good articles on how to leave an abuser in lovefraud.com\n\nMy husband is a stalker too but I've gotten numb to his ridiculous accusations and constant threats. He took every dime of my retirement account and left me destitute in hopes I'd be too dependant on him to leave. I left 2 months ago to stay with family. \n\nKnow this- you are a target, not a victim. Abusers use your compassion, humanity, and commitment to the relationship AGAINST you! They are not human. They have no empathy. They are empty and hollow INSECURE people. They need to control you, own you, in the worst way.\n\nNever look back.
644677
It pains me to read this, that a man would do this to two women he loves. I pray for all involved. I'm a Catholic, deeply believing in marriage and its sanctity.\n\nYou have many questions. I"ll try to tackle them organizedly.\n\nI think, more important than a discussion of the sin, is the damage that is being done to the spouse and to the family and to him and to the OW. Those who say sin has no consequences beyond the sinner are sadly mistaken. We can talk about what the sin means and where there was sin and what punishment is merited later. Right now what matters is for him to cease in this sinful way.\n\nIt is true that the Blood of Christ means forgiveness; but HE HAS TO STOP SEEING HER in order to really and truly accept that forgiveness. Catholics seek this through Penance, non-Catholics through direct prayer or accountability groups or whatever practice they have interpreted to be correct.\n\nAll Sins are against God alone, but there are sins (small s) against several people here:\nHe is sinning against the spouse for very obvious reasons; "love, but not in love" is not a good enough reason to be unfaithful.\nHe is sinning against his family.\nHe is sinning against the OW by not loving her (love is a choice, very true).\nHe is sinning against the community by breaking his marriage vows.\n\nFirst, where is there Sin? There is Sin in the extramarital affair on its own - and this sort of Sin begins in the heart; he doesn't love the OW by choice, so the love is not in the heart, and that is the Sin of lust. There is Sin in being unfaithful in marriage, and I consider this to be the worst because it is breaking the marriage vows. I think the Church would consider breaking the vows the most grave Sin. I can go on and on, but the case is made.\n\nThe punishment for Sin is death; he may feel guilty, he may wish to repent, but it cannot be a sincere repentance until he stops seeing the OW and gives his heart time to forget her. The Sin and sins end at this point because:\n\nThe marriage has the chance to be made whole.\nThe hurt stops being piled upon the spouse.\nThe lust of his body ends.\nThe lust of his heart will fade.\nThe family has stopped being rent and can begin to heal.\nThe community sees that the vow is again being honored.\n\nIf he is not truly sorry for his Sin, whether he stops or not, this is for the Lord to know. The Lord may condemn him, the Lord may complete the good work begun in him (per Phillippians) and eventually admit him to Eternal Life, as the Lord may do to all of us. But to persist in unrepented sin is a grave decision.
124835
ive been through hell in my life too, i was beat and raped and even stabbed, and made to go w/out food, and w/out seeing my family. its not easy to forgive someone sometimes, but for your own sake you have too. all your doing is harboring all those negative feelings. do you want to be a victim all your life? of course you dont. so you need to decide right now that your not gonna be the victim anymore, you are the overcomer,ok? you can do it. you have a wonderful spouse right now and kids. you have so much to be thankful for. why would you want to let your past ruin your future? that doesnt make any sence at all. you dont have to talk to your ex, but just say outloud "i forgive, then say his name" "and im letting it go and giving it all to god, it no longer has any control over my life". and mean it when you say it. say it as much as you need to. remember this, if you live your life like this then you let your ex  win, he's won. he's still controlling you even though your not together. let it go, and let god!!! I did. and im gonna be remarrying this summer to the love of my life and i would never let my past put a damper on my happiness. i dont care about the past anymore, it just doesnt matter.
329834
Anyone can change, but only on a personal level. No one can create a change in a person, or cause reason for change. love is love and hate is hate, but only the person in question has the ability to choose how they will react to stimuli.\n\nTrust is also hard to repair, its can be hard to trust an abuser after you have been the recipient of their abuse. Besides that it is natural human behavior to want retribution for suffering, in that, if the abuser truly changed they would have to understand the complex emotional trauma that must be undone and dealt with in the people they have abused. \n\nIf you, or a loved one, is subject to physically OR emotional abuse from a spouse, parents or some other family member please encourage them to get help. Abusive behavior is the result of wanting to gain control, an that control is kept by silence. Just as much as the abuser needs professional help, so do all the recipients of that aggression.