I have been married to the same man for 26 years, and just over the past 2 years I have been catching him in little white lies.  He lies about when he has been drinking, or what friend he has been with.  I really don't think that he would ever have an afair with someone, but I don't know.  What should I do?  I love him very much, but his lies are affecting my feelings, and I don't trust him anymore.  Am I blind to the fact that my marriage is over?
200281
There really no such thing as little white lies, a lie is a lie no matter what way you look at it. He is becoming good at lying. You thinking its a little white lie, is helping cover up his actions. The people he is hanging out with could be other women, since he lies about it anyway. If you are loosing your trust in him from his lies, than how can you trust the marriage. Let him know that you love him and let him know that he needs to come clean with you or your going to separate, not divorce. But, being separated from him may make him realize what he has at home. It will also improve your feelings for him. Right now its confusing, please don't keep making excuses for him. Cause those lies will become an everyday thing for him.
46137
Wow, I'm so sorry about that.  I think you should consider your feelings for him carefully.  If it were me, I think I would call off the wedding if you were planning on getting married soon.  You definitely should confront him on this but before you do, I would try to find out if he's done something like this before and if he has indeed cheated.  You can try going through his email and his cellphone/pda/dayplanner, etc. to look for numbers that don't look familiar.  It's a shame that you have to go snooping through his personal things but if he's cheating, he could be gambling with his and your life because of STDs etc.  Best wishes to you.  Your mind and heart will help you do the right thing.
80202
put yourself in his shoes. if i were him and i really cared for someone i probably wouldnt tell them right away either. he peobably wanted you to get to know him for him and not have that thing in the back of your head that kept telling you that he was married. i think that you should believe him.
241266
Richard, I realize that you are upset and losing sleep, but you've got to simply stop posting the same question over and over and let people answer it.  Otherwise, you'll just get a lot of stupid answers from people who just want to get easy points.  Also, if you are really sure, and I mean SURE, not just suspicious about your wife lying to you and you feel she was with another man, perhaps this is not a match made in heaven and you should consider other avenues.  Like a trial separation.  Or marriage counseling.  Divorce is always an option, but as a last resort (unless you know in your heart you are in a truly loser relationship as I once was 16 years ago and made a hasty exit).  Again, try to relax and let your answer get some good responses and give some more details about why you believe she is lying to you.
434917
I think you're blowing this way out of proportion. UNLESS he murder, tortured or deal drugs to kids or worse then I don't see how bad a thing he could have kept from you that would warrant a background check. I my wife were to do that I'd dump her and try my hardest to get custody of our son.\n\nI would have helped giving you an answer if we knew what it was that he lied about.  For a few years I lied to my wife about a girl I had dated when I was secure enough with our relationship I told her. She was a little takeb aback but quickly got over it. I claimed to have dated a really pretty girl she new in passing but in reality we were just friends. You my wife is very beautiful and I don't consider myself handsome at all. So I was insecure with regards to her physical attraction to me. So I lied to make myself look better. It was silly and stupid but I did want I thought was right back then. This was 14 years ago and we are now married with a beautiful 7 year boy.\n\nTry and get some perspective on the lies and see if they're worth getting worked up over and maybe putting your marriage at risk.\n\nGood luck to you.
112106
Some people, believe that a white lie to avoid hurting the people they love is OK. So how serious was the lie. If he is hiding something he may find its to hard to talk to you about. Maybe worried that you would think less of him, or you would loose respect. You need a heart to heart and tell him the way you feel and you can't afford to lose trust.
93902
I guess this happens in alot of marriages!From what I have been reading.It has happened in mine,also!And now My husband and I can talk openly about it,even joke about it!But that takes time.As long as you love him.And he loves you!That is all that matters!The past is the past,hun.Let it be that.I know it's hard!And I know you'll think about it.But in time,the hurt will get less.And your trust will grow back in time,too!I always tell my husband,that I have forgiven him BUT I will Never forget.And he reminds me about what I have done.But we don't argue about it any longer.Because,it has been a while.And time heals.I know that cheating isn't right.But sometimes when you get together real young it's really hard to stay faithful.There is ALOT of temptations out there.And it takes two.Also,NoOne is perfect.And then some people say once a cheater always a cheater,but I do Not believe this either.Because we may have made mistakes in our past.But I feel that both my husband and I have learned from them.And it will never happen again.It sounds as though,your hubby and you have learned from yours too!Good-Luck to both of you!
206682
Everyone lies at one time or another.  It's just human nature.  I'm sure if you took an honest look at yourself you'll see that you may have told little white lies yourself.  Now, hold on...I'm not accusing you of anything.  I'm just saying that unless you catch him in something big, it's up to you whether or not you want to trust him.  Also, if you are having doubts of whether or not you're in love with him, that's a serious red flag on whether or not to marry.  Your relationship with him should not depend on whether or not your family gets along with him, but it would behoove you to ask them why they feel the way they do.  Sometimes, people on the outside can be your best gauge, especially if you keep getting the same feedback from them.  I suggest that you not walk away until you are sure of what you feel, and don't get married until you are sure either.  Good Luck!
106730
Hey man I know where you are coming from. My wife just told me that cheated on me with another man about 2 months ago. I went nutts, but not too bad. Luckily she told me at our preachers house. After she told me I did not know what to do. Because in the bible it states that that is the only reason for divorce. I sat down and talked with her and the preacher. We agreed that we would stay together. I wanted to leave her but then I didn't. I love her so much, and not only because we have kids. I am still having a hard time getting over it. Like I said it has already been 2 months since she told me and I still can not sleep nor trust her. There are still times when I want to leave but I can't because I love her too much. Also you don't want to go out and do the same thing she did. It won't do any good, except have a burden on your shoulders. Just hang in there man. Pray about it and see what God wants you to do. God Bless!
553988
I wouldn't believe him, men will tell you "anything" just for you to fall again for their lies. But...at the end is your decision if you want to continue the relationship and try again.
93730
sweetheart, it hurts alot. i've been there. you are right in not being able to trust him. it's not always the case that there always a cheater, but it's almost foolproof. if he's done it before, why won't he do it again when he finds someone else that's more attractive to him? all you can do is wait out the pain. it hurts and it sucks, but try and move on. go out, have fun, meet new guys. you don't have to get married or anything, just go out and have fun. i hope this helps you sweetie, at least a little. if you'd like to talk to someone that's been there, you can email me. poetic_disturbulance@yahoo.com
99130
I'm sorry you had to go through this, I know how much it hurts when your spouse cheats on you.  I wish I could say you could trust him and that everything will be fine but the truth is he crossed a line and now that line really doesn't exist for him.  I'm sure he regrets hurting you but I doubt if he really regrets that he was with this other woman.  I tried to forgive my ex when she cheated and believe her when she said she wanted to work it out but ultimately she did it again and I realized I could never trust her again.  Trust is one of the basic foundations in a marriage and once it is gone it isn't easily repaired.  I think you need to decide what is right for you and if you don't believe you can honestly trust him again then divorce is your only option.
191616
Please reiterate your question . . . to . . . I called it quits this morning?  Because he want to try to make it work . . . and you are trying to decide yes or no.\n\nI have a few questions about this . . . \n\nWhy did he cheat on you . . . . ?  There is always a reason.  Did you two marry too young?  Did you change?  Did he change?\n\nIf you feel that you can not trust him . . . then end it . . . and tell him why.  He may still love you . . . but the thing is . . . he might have felt that you kept pushing him away . . . and he felt lonely.  And guys has needs . . . so instead of bothering you about them (because he felt that you possibly didn't care) he went elsewhere.\n\nThe most basic reason why some people cheat . . . is because they felt pushed away.  I know that is not a good reason . . . \n\nPlus if you stay married for at least 10 years . . . he will have to pay you alimony for the rest of your life or until you remarry.
307387
I think you know he's lying, and you are here, hoping for either someone to back you up, or someone to tell you it's ok.\n\nGo with your gut instinct. He is lying and he isn't the person you want to start a family with.\n\nEven if he were telling the truth, and it is for his friend... His friend is married and he would be helping him cheat on his wife. Obviously he doesn't think much of commitment and responsibility.
153789
Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with this man knowing that you lied to him about being a virgin?? Do you really want to live with that guilt? I don't know how long you two have been together, but you have already gone this long lieing to him, why would you want to go the rest of your life continueing to lie to him? As some of the others had said it's true that not everyne bleeds the first time, but still this is the man that your going to spend the rest of your life with, if you lie to him about this, it's going to make it that much easier to lie to him about other things. Think about the decision that your making. Think about if the roles were reversed and put yourself in his shoes, if this was him and he wasn't a virgin wouldn't you want to know before you both make a life changing decision? I myself am about to get married and my fiance and I have the best communication ever, I have told him all about my past and he has told me about his and we still love each other regardless of the decisions that we made before we were together.  If he really loves you than he will accept the fact that you were honest enough to tell him.  If he doesn't accept your past then maybe he's not the right man for you.  But morally, honesty is the best policy.  Be honest with the man and see what happens, if he gets mad at you and breaks off the wedding, then at least you know where he stands. But don't lie to him, just to make life easier on you.\n\nGood luck
58368
Alright....I'm a reformed liar. I can admit it because I've fixed that within me. I've seperated myself from that part of my past and I have moved on. Having said that, now we can go into why he's lying. When someone lies to the one they love, they don't do so to intentionally hurt. Even tho that's usually the outcome. He's obviously been in a situation/relationship before you where his situation didn't provide for any trust structure. So to carry on some semblance of normalcy he learned to fabricate a reality to satisfy the questioning/insecurities of another JUSt so he could function on a day to day basis. What it boils down to is this: He's never known a relationship where trust is real and all-encompassing. He could fear he doesn't deserve you. Comes from past feelings of inadequecy or lack of self-worth. You're much more then he feels he deserves. Even tho you're what he wants. It's a self-destructive attitude I had. Psychologists agree. If you don't feel you deserve something, you won't treat it well. Human nature. But I digress. He needs to UNDERSTAND that in YOU he can have true faith and trust. He can confide in you like none other. Because you are his wife. And noone will ever come between that. You need to create that safe zone so he can feel safe to come to you for things and to tell you what is on his mind. As it is now he doesn't feel you can handle things he thinks and feels. He fears you'll blow up on him or overreact or even leave him if he tells you what/how he thinks and feels. You need to show him. Not only in words but also in matching actions. Say you can handle it and then actually handle it. Help him break that reflex of fabricating what he thinks you want to hear. Trust me...he's a prisoner. I was. It cost me almost everything. But most of all....have patience. This is his self-defense/preservation reflex. I say "reflex". So he automatically does it before he thinks I'm sure. So, like an alcholic in rehab you must be his friend and help him through it. Make it through and your relationship will be stronger then you've ever seen it. Best thing is: once in that habbit of total communication and honesty, he'll become addicted to the safety of it's feeling and stick with it. Because if he's the guy I was, he hates the stress and poressure of all that guilt. Best of luck to you.
506785
I would be more concerned about why your Husband told you in the first place, could it not be that your Husband is lying, I am not saying he is, but you have to look at it from both sides, and try to rationalize everything, Men do sometimes lie about this type of thing, to make their partners jealous