A man walk into a bar, walk straight to the bartender and ask for a glass of water. The bartender went down, turns around, pulls out a shotgun, and pointed at the man. The man said, “thank you” and left the bar?\n\nWhat happen?
206922
the guy had the hiccups and when the bartender pointed the gun at him he was cured
594253
So a duck walks into a bar and asks the bar man "you got a grape?". The man replies "sorry but we don't sell grapes", the duck sighs and walks out.\n\nThe next day the duck returns back to the pub and asks the same question, "you got a grape?", the bar man replies "i told you yesterday that we don't sell grapes here, now get lost". So the duck turns and walks out!\n\nThe following day the duck enters the bar again, but before he can ask his question the bar man shouts at him "if you ask me for a grape again i will nail your beak to the bar, you got that?".\n\nThe duck looks up at him and says "got any nails?", "no" replies the bar man.\n\nThe duck pauses, "you got a grape?"
666080
dirty but funny:\n\nThere was this businessman who was getting ready to go on a long business trip. He knew his wife was a flirtatious sort, so he thought he'd try to get her something to keep her occupied while he was gone, because he didn't much like the idea of her screwing someone else. So he went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. He thought about a life-sized sex doll, but that was too close to another man for him.\n\nHe was browsing through the dildos, looking for something special to please his wife, and started talking to the old man behind the counter. He explained his situation. The old man said, "Well, I don't really know of anything that will do the trick. We have vibrating dildos, special attachments, and so on, but I don't know of anything that will keep her occupied for weeks, except -- " and he stopped.\n\n"Except what?" the man asked.\n\n"Nothing, nothing."\n\n"C'mon, tell me! I need something!"\n\n"Well, sir, I don't usually mention this, but there is the 'voodoo dick.'"\n\n"So what's up with this voodoo dick?" he asked.\n\nThe old man reached under the counter, and pulled out an old wooden box, carved with strange symbols. He opened it, and there lay a very ordinary-looking dildo. The businessman laughed, and said "Big fucking deal. It looks like every other dildo in this shop!"\n\nThe old man replied, "But you haven't seen what it'll do yet." He pointed to a door and said "Voodoo dick, the door." The voodoo dick rose out of its box, darted over to the door, and started screwing the keyhole. The whole door shook with the vibrations, and a crack developed down the middle. Before the door could split, the old man said "Voodoo dick, get back in your box!" The voodoo dick stopped, floated back to the box and lay there, quiescent once more.\n\n"I'll take it!" said the businessman.\n\nThe old man resisted, saying it wasn't for sale, but he finally surrendered to $700 in cash. The guy took it home to his wife, told her it was a special dildo and that to use it, all she had to do was say "Voodoo dick, my pussy." He left for his trip satisfied that things would be fine while he was gone.\n\nAfter he'd been gone a few days, the wife was unbearably horny. She thought of several people who would willingly satisfy her, but then she remembered the voodoo dick. She got it out, and said "Voodoo dick, my pussy!" The voodoo dick shot to her crotch and started pumping. It was great, like nothing she'd ever experienced before. After three orgasms, she decided she'd had enough, and tried to pull it out, but it was stuck in her, still thrusting. She tried and tried to get it out, but nothing worked. Her husband had forgot to tell her how to shut it off. So she decided to go to the hospital to see if they could help. She put her clothes on, got in the car and started to drive to the hospital, quivering with every thrust of the dildo. On the way, another orgasm nearly made her swerve off the road, and she was pulled over by a policeman. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.\n\nGasping and twitching, she explained that she hadn't been drinking, but that a voodoo dick was stuck in her pussy, and wouldn't stop screwing. The officer looked at her for a second, and then said "Yea, right. Voodoo dick, my ass!"
188720
A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for\na nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through\nwhat was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the\nneedle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light\nbehind him.\n"There's no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and\nopened her up further. His needle hit 90, 100, 110. Then the\nreality of the situation hit him. "What in hell am I doing?" he thought\nand pulled over.\nThe cop came up to him, took his license without a word, and\nexamined it and the car. Finally he came to the window looking steadily\nat the driver and said, "I've had a tough shift and this is my last\npull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give me an\nexcuse for your driving that I haven't heard before, you can go!"\nThe driver blinked only once while his brain scrambled for a\nreply. "Last week my wife ran off with a cop," he said, "and I was\nafraid you were trying to give her back!"\n"Off you go," said the officer.
555027
A man walked into a bar, ordered 3 glasses of strong whisky, each glass one third full. He drank the first glass, loitered for a while, then drank the second & ten minutes later the third, after which he left quietly. Since that day, he would turn up every evening going through the same drinking ritual. One evening, the bartender said to him, “You know, I could serve you with just a full glass of whisky rather than 3”. The man said, “ Oh! The other two glasses are my brothers’. They have migrated & I’m drinking on their behalf”. Then one evening ,the man ordered only 2 glasses. The bartender asked sympathily, “One of your brothers passed on?” “Oh no!” came the reply, “It’s just that I have given up drinking.”
413035
I woulde tell the following joke and hope the punch line was understood:\nA famous English tea taster, believing he had tasted every tea known to man, decided to retire. At his retirement party, someone mentioned a tea made from the hair of a koala bear and only available in a small town called Mercy in the Australian Outback.\nWell, because he hadn't tried this tea, the tea taster postponed his retirement and set off for Australia. After his British Airways flight landed in Sydney, he switched to Qantas for a flight to Alice Springs then to a bus which took him to Mercy, deep in the Outback.\nWalking along the only street in Mercy, he found a small bar, went inside, sat down at the counter and asked the barman if he could have a cup of the famous tea made from the hair of a koala bear.\nThe barman went back to the kitchen an a few minutes later returned with a cup of the tea. The English tea taster took a sip and immediately spat it out.\n"This tea is vile, the worst I've ever tasted," he exclaimed. "It is also full of hair; the very least you could have done is strain it."\nThe barman, somewhat taken aback, said: "But sir, the koala tea of Mercy is not strained."
603896
A man is like a child with a candy bar. The child has his candy bar, but, looks at other candy bars, and wonders if he has the wrong one.\nJust like men.\nLOL
430110
Can't beat a good old irish joke mate, you can just imagine it can't you, him standing there with the gun to his head.\n\nThat made me laugh big time.  That is the good thing about this site, people sharing a laugh or two, thanks mark 1
369933
Hey!!!  How did the news of my antics reach India?  You guessed it …I am the man who won all the bets at the bar.  The best part was the pissing all over the bartender…LOL…I say.  “I bet you are not going to give me the ten points.”
231593
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman are all enjoying a beer in a pub when three flies come in through an open window and land plop, plop, plop, one in each beer.\n\nThe Englishman says, "Bloody fly." then takes a fork, genlty removes the intruder, wraps is up in a napkin and throw it away.\n\nThe Irishman says, "DIE, FLITHY FLY!!!" then smashes his mug, fly and all against the wall.\n\nThe Scotsman picks up the fly, bends on wing behind its back and says, "Spit it out you little thief!"\n\n***\n\nI saw a Scotsman sitting on a park bench crying the other day.  I asked him what was wrong and he said, "My comb lost a tooth today."  I replied, "Bid deal?  It's not like it won't work anymore."  He said, "It was the last one!"
186900
Two men were drinking in a bar when one looks at the other and asks,\n“What are u drinking?”\nThe second one looks at him and says\n“Magic Beer”\nThe first guy exclaims, “Magic Beer?!?” The second guy says:\n“Yup, I can prove it by jumping off that cliff over there and flying right back up.”\n“Yea right,” Says the first guy. The second guy jumps off and comes back up perfectly unharmed. “Do it again.” The first guy said, and the second guy did it again.\n“Well, Im drunk enough to try.” He said. The first guy takes a sip of the Magic Beer and jumps off and falls to his death. The bartender just looks at the second guy and says:\n”You know, you can be real mean when your drunk Superman.”
54927
A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and talk turns to their adventures on the sea. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, a hook, and an eye patch.\n\nThe seaman asks, "So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?" The pirate replies, "We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off."\n\n"Wow!" said the seaman. "What about your hook"? "Well", replied the pirate, "We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."\n\n"Incredible!" remarked the seaman. "How did you get the eye patch"? "A seagull dropping fell into my eye," replied the pirate.\n\n"You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?," the sailor asked incredulously. "Well," said the pirate, "it was my first day with my hook"
163696
So... the dumb man saw the blind man's wife being kidnapped by a deaf person... how will the dumb man tell the blind man? By speaking to him?\n\nA person who doesn't use spell check asks a question (riddle). Other people read it and it doesn't make any sense. It was supposed to be a riddle that made you think, an instead you had to try to figure out what was being said to beging with. Who's the idiot here?....\nobviously me for putting in any effort, let alone this much.
7822
The man had the hiccups.  He ordered the water to try and cure it by drinking it quickly.  The bartender noticed his condition and pulled the shotgun to scare the condition out of the man.
127812
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks out into a house to look for money and a gun and finds a young couple in the bed. \n\nHe orders the guy out of the bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: \n\n"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you." \n\nTo which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too!!"
260448
yeah OK I have a great 2 jokes for you here but be prepared that they are somewhat well just wrong hehehe ok here we go! enjoy!\n\n#1- A mild-mannered man was tired of being bossed around by his wife,so he went to a psychiatrist,who told him he needed to build self-esteem and gave him a book on assertiveness.\n   After reading the book on the way him,he stormed into the house and declared, "I want you to know I am the man of the house,and my word is law."I want you to prepare me a gourmet meal tonight.THen after dinner,you are going to draw my bath so I can relax ,and when I'm finished with my bath,guess who is going to dress me and comb my hair?"\n           His wife responded, "THE FUNERAL DIRECTOR."\n\n#2-A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey,could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now"He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light" NOw does it look like I have a G.E.O Logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."\n   Well then,could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right". To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have WestingHouse written on my forehead? I don't think so"."Fine," She says "Then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break".\n"I'm not a damn Carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps." "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so.I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!"\n   So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.\nHe starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife,and decides to go home and help out.As he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed.As he enters the house,He sees the hall light is working,the fridge door is fixed.\n"Honey, How'd all this get fixed? She said, "Well, when you left I sat outside and cried.Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him.He offered to do all the repaires,and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."\nHe said, "So what kind of cake did you bake him?" She replied, "HELLOOOOO..... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"\n\n#3- A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vagina lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze.Out of emabarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.\n  A wakening from the anesthesia after the surgery,she found three roses carefully placed beside her bed.Outraged,she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"\n   The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this by yourself."\n   "The second rose is from my nurse.She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."\n   "And what about the third rose?" she asked.\n"Oh,that rose is from the man upstairs in the burn unit.He wanted to thank you for his new ears.
206627
I am not sure if it was a new one but it was a good one. The new partner, whatever his name is started dating a paralegal there in the office and she kept saying vagina to him. Like, "okay, dinner sounds great and then we can go back to my place and you can see my vagina". He thought this was weird and told her he couldn't see her anymore. Well, he was so hot for her that he changed his mind and she told him quietly in the inner-office that she wanted hin to say the word and he wouldn't so she said never mind and walked away. He was so sexually frustrated that he shouted out in the office in front of the other partners, "Vagina"!\nThat was only part of it but I have to go...sorry